The Beginning of Everything
by alegnax
Summary: This will be a series of loosely connected one-shots about our favorite couple and their family. Basically: a bunch of Rollisi milestones. Check out my other stories to learn about their history! (Or don't and read this one anyways. Whatevs!)
1. Chapter 1

**AN:** If you haven't seen 19x2... SPOILER ALERT! Otherwise, enjoy. :)

* * *

They walked silently to the F train in the pouring rain.

It was seven thirty by the time they boarded the subway. Wilted and damp, they crowded inside the car with their fellow commuters. Amanda hung onto a steel pole as they began to move, her free hand scraping wet hair away from her face. The adrenaline that had coursed through her veins hours earlier had dissipated and now she was uneasy. She hated being wrong - she thought Savannah had merely been attention-seeking, she thought she could have charmed Tom - but most of all, she hated the look etched on Sonny's face.

Earlier, his expression had been one of shock, but now, away from the scene and the precinct, it was slack. His blue-gray gaze was unfocused, staring out the dingy subway window like he was in a daze. Amanda hadn't watched Tom plummet to his death, but she had seen the man's body spread out, lifeless on the pavement below. Holding one glove, Sonny had turned to them all, horrified. He had breathlessly explained what had happened - how Tom had slipped from his grip - but his words never reached his eyes. Maybe it was only Amanda who noticed, but she was certain that if the squad hadn't surrounded him in that instant, he would have fallen to his knees.

She chewed on a cuticle as she studied Sonny's profile. Two days ago she had gotten a manicure, something she rarely ever did. Now the pretty pale pink shade was chipped in two places, probably from climbing out of the window and scaling several fire escapes to chase Tom. What a waste of fourteen dollars. She sighed, dropping her hand to shove it into her wet back pocket. Usually Sonny talked incessantly during their commute home, but he hadn't said much since they had left the rooftop. Never one to stray from protocol, he had completed his work diligently but silently, fingers flying over the keyboard of his laptop until every 'I' was dotted and 'T' was crossed. Amanda had kept her distance as she pretended to be consumed by her own notes, but really she held back because she couldn't comfort him the way she wanted to in the middle of the precinct.

"Mama, look! It's a turkey outta my hand!" Jesse greeted Amanda the moment she crossed the threshold of their apartment. The little girl waved around a piece of construction paper before scrunching up her nose, suddenly amused by something. "You're all wet!"

"I know. I forgot my coat today," she told her daughter simply, peeling off her black blazer.

"Daddy, look! A turkey outta my hand!" Jesse vied for Sonny's attention instead, not satisfied by her mother's response.

He wasn't paying attention as he pulled off his navy suit jacket and draped it over the back of a bar stool to let it dry.

" _Helloooo,_ " Jesse sing-songed, waving her artwork while she hopped excitedly around Sonny.

He turned around suddenly, appearing disoriented. "Oh. Wow, Jess. That's great," he told her without even looking at her picture. His voice sounded hollow and disingenuous.

The little girl visibly deflated. She frowned, disappointed by Sonny's lackluster reaction.

Amanda talked to Audrey before she got her things to leave, but out of the corner of her eye, she saw Sonny walk to the bedroom and shut the door. She tried to focus on what Audrey was saying: Luca skipped his afternoon nap so he went to bed early, she had done her best to try to clean the new rug after Frannie's mishap, Kim had dropped by asking to borrow the vacuum cleaner... all of it was important, but she couldn't focus. After Audrey left, Amanda wasn't entirely sure she had absorbed even half of their conversation.

"What's wrong with daddy?" Jesse asked curiously.

She toed off her boots and left them by the front door. "We just had a long day," Amanda answered, because there was no way to explain what had really happened to a kid. She didn't want to, anyway: she hoped to shelter both of her children from the reality of her work for as long as possible.

"Is he sad?" she wondered, following Amanda into the kitchen.

Amanda sighed as she reached up to take a glass out of the cabinet. "Well... y'know how you get cranky when you're tired?"

"Yes."

"It's kinda like that."

"Does he need early bed time?"

She laughed. "Maybe, yeah." She crouched down to her daughter's level in order to look her in the eye. She tugged at the hem of Jesse's shirt. "I need you to do me a favor, okay?"

Jesse nodded. "Okay."

"I need you to brush your teeth and put your pajamas on, then go hang out in your room while I talk to daddy for a little bit, alright?" Amanda explained.

"Will you read me a story?" she asked.

"If you're still awake, I'll read you a story," Amanda promised her. With a smile, she took the artwork out of Jesse's hands and stood up. "And let's put this beauty on the fridge, huh?"

"Right in the middle!" Jesse demanded.

She took a magnet and hung up the construction paper almost directly in the center of the refrigerator. "How's that?"

The little girl nodded in approval. "That's good."

"Alright. Now get goin'," Amanda prompted her playfully.

Once Jesse was in her room, Amanda pulled Jack Daniel's, bitters and club soda from the liquor cabinet. She may not have been a good cook, but she sure as hell knew how to make a whiskey-based cocktail. She carefully assembled an Old Fashioned, complete with a maraschino cherry on top. She sipped it to make sure it tasted good and then, pleased with her creation, headed to the bedroom. She quietly opened the door and slipped inside, making sure to close it again behind her. Sonny had changed into dry clothes and was setting his watch on their bureau.

"I made you a drink," Amanda offered meekly, holding up the glass before setting it down on the table by his side of the bed. She crossed her arms over her chest, watching him. "I figured you could use one."

He gave her a small smile over his shoulder. "Thanks, babe."

She pulled at her damp t-shirt; it was getting uncomfortable. As Sonny moved in the direction of his drink, Amanda started peeling off layers in favor of sweatpants and her favorite Braves t-shirt. Once she was changed, she tied her hair up away from her neck and pulled off her earrings.

"I fucked up, Amanda."

She turned around to look at Sonny, who was leaned back against the headboard, appearing weary. Half of his Old Fashioned was already gone; he must have taken one, giant gulp. Setting her jewelry on the bureau, Amanda moved to sink down by his side. She placed a hand on his knee. "Don't say that."

Sonny pinched the bridge of his nose, eyes squeezed shut, then dropped his hands into his lap. He looked pained as he blinked her into focus again. "I didn't, I shoulda... if I could have just gotten his other hand-"

"No, Sonny," she interrupted him gently. "It was raining, he was wearing gloves. It was an impossible situation."

"He was lookin' me right in the eye the whole time," he insisted weakly, shoulders slumping. "His life literally depended... on me. I know he was a piece of shit, but that doesn't mean he deserved to die."

"This isn't about 'deserved.' It was an _accident_ ," Amanda said, squeezing his knee for emphasis. "I could have had to shoot him on the roof long before he ever got to you. It just... happened this way instead."

"I just wish I... I wish I hadn't seen it," he admitted quietly. He shook his head and winced. "Or heard it. Or... been involved at all."

She looked down at her lap, a thought suddenly occurring to her. She took a moment to gather her words, the subject a difficult one to verbalize. "When I... y'know, with Jeff..." Amanda started out hesitantly. She never talked about Jeff, at least not to Sonny. He knew what had happened, vaguely, and that was enough for her. Now, though, she didn't want him to feel alone in his turmoil. "I shot him. I killed him in my own living room and... and I know that at the time I thought I was doin' what was necessary and God, I hated the bastard, always had, but... but I still ended his life. He shouldn't have died that night, but he did. It's taken me a long time to forgive myself but I don't know if I'll ever forget it. So it's like, like this _thing_ that's always gonna be there but I've learned to... live around it, if that makes sense."

"Live around it," Sonny repeated, his tone empty and distracted. He was a good listener, but Amanda could tell that he wasn't retaining her words, that his head was too filled with other things to make room for her desperate attempt at comfort. Her throat felt tight with the realization that she couldn't crawl into his brain and banish it all. All Amanda could offer was her presence, which in that moment, felt woefully insufficient.

"I'm sorry," she whispered finally, because she was. She was sorry that this happened. She was sorry that she couldn't fix it, even after all of the countless things Sonny had mended for her. She slid further down the edge of the bed, as close to him as possible. With a palm pressed against his chest, she leaned in and kissed him fervently. He tasted like whiskey and sugar. Her lips strayed to his cheek, his jawline, the spot beneath his ear. "You're a good cop, Sonny. You're a good man."

He tilted his head to catch her mouth with his once more. There was a kind of intensity to his kiss that made warmth begin to creep up Amanda's chest and neck. She had been cold for hours, she realized, her bones chilled from both the rain and the circumstances. She shifted, moving so she could rest a knee on either side of Sonny, straddling his lap. His hands received her possessively, gripping her thighs, her ass, then sliding beneath her shirt. The rough way he palmed her breasts made her breath catch in her throat and an anticipatory shiver roll down her spine.

He pulled away slightly, his lips less than a centimeter from hers, eyes still closed. "Where are the-" he began to ask huskily.

"Don't worry about it," Amanda urged him. Leaning back, she pulled her t-shirt over her head and tossed it aside. "Don't worry about anything."


	2. Chapter 2

_and I never thought this life was possible / you're the yellow bird that I've been waiting for_

* * *

"Amanda? Amanda. _Rollins!_ "

She snapped her head up, tearing her eyes away from her computer screen to see Fin looming over her desk. He looked annoyed.

"What?" she demanded, like she had the right to be irritable. She was at work, but she was very obviously not doing anything SVU-related.

"I just asked you three times if you logged the evidence from the Collins case," Fin explained. He squinted at her computer. "What the hell are you lookin' at?"

"Houses. It's like her version of pornography," Sonny answered for Amanda dryly as he hovered over his own desk, organizing papers to go interview a witness.

Amanda whirled around in her chair, glared at Sonny pointedly, then looked up at Fin again. "I finished it all last night," she assured him haughtily.

Fin moved to peer over her shoulder at her laptop. "That one is nice," he observed, poking at a property on the screen.

"It's four million dollars," Amanda told him flatly.

"Damn." He indicated a listing two rows down. "Oh, look, that one is only two hundred thousand."

"That's a storage unit, Fin," she sighed, leaning back in her chair and crossing her arms over her chest.

"How about-"

"Okay, okay. Can we not do this?" Sonny interrupted weakly. "This is gonna put her in a bad mood all night and I'm the one who's gotta live with her."

Fin ignored him. "What do you need a house for anyway?" he asked Amanda. "Just get a three bedroom apartment."

"That isn't the same," she moaned.

"How about a-"

"Hey! Enough with the house talk," Sonny said loudly. He roughly gathered up his paperwork. "Jesus. Fin, are you gonna join me in interview one or am I on my own here?" he asked irritably before stalking away.

Amanda and Fin exchanged wide-eyed looks.

"What's up his ass?" Fin grumbled, making his way over to his desk.

She closed the various internet tabs on her laptop with a sigh. "I don't know. You know how he gets with work sometimes."

"Y'mean, neurotic?" he offered sarcastically.

Amanda smirked. "Yeah, that."

* * *

Amanda scrubbed mascara off of her eyes over the bathroom sink that night. It was amazing how powerful make-up was: when her eyelashes were back to blonde and her skin was pink and clean, she looked rather ordinary. She sighed, leaning in closer to the mirror to inspect her features. Her mother didn't have any wrinkles even at her age and it was the one thing Amanda hoped to inherit from the woman. Even so, she poked and tugged at her eyes in an effort to make herself appear less tired. Not that it mattered at the moment - she was about to crawl into bed.

"What are you doin'?" Sonny appeared in the doorway in a St. John's t-shirt and basketball shorts, a miniature Snickers bar in his hand. It was the very last of Jesse's Halloween candy, which had some how lasted till mid-November.

"I'm just... assessing," she told him vaguely. She moved away from the sink and nudged him out the door and into their bedroom.

Sonny raised his eyebrows in amusement. "Assessing," he repeated thickly, mouth full of chocolate. "Okay."

"Hey," Amanda said suddenly as she began to tug her wedding band and engagement ring off of her finger. She set them in the little porcelain dish she kept on their bureau, the one she reserved for her most precious jewelry. "What was with you earlier today?"

"Huh?" Sonny stretched out long on the bed. Frannie followed him, standing up and resting her front paws at the edge of the mattress so he could scratch behind her ears. "What are you talkin' about?"

She gave him a pointed look. "You bit Fin's head off."

He shifted uncomfortably, eyes focused on Frannie. "Oh, that."

"Yeah, that."

"I was just annoyed. We had shit to do and..."

"And?"

"And... you don't need to advertise the fact that we can't find a house we can afford."

"I'm not! I'm... I'm just looking," Amanda insisted, pulling the gold studs out of her ears.

Sonny didn't say anything. He looked a combination of irritated and self-conscious.

She sighed. "I didn't know it would bother you."

"It's just, I'm just as frustrated as you are," Sonny admitted, sitting up so he could lean back against the headboard. "And I know how important it is to you. Hell, everybody does. So it sucks that I can't... make it happen."

She frowned, suddenly understanding that for Sonny, this was a matter of old-fashioned pride. "It's not your job to make it happen. It's both of ours and..." Amanda cringed, continuing sheepishly, "I haven't exactly been the best with money over the past few years, so that doesn't help..." She moved to crawl onto the bed, laying on her stomach. She rested a turned cheek on her folded arms, looking at him. "I'm sorry."

"S'alright," he murmured, reaching out a hand to lovingly ruffle her hair. "I shouldn't have freaked out."

"Something'll come up," she said quietly, hopefully. Frannie jumped up onto the bed, laying down between them. Amanda fiddled with the red bandanna around her neck. "And I know it's not the end of the world if we don't find something, but..."

"I know," he sighed, rubbing his forehead. "You don't wanna have another baby in this apartment."

Amanda had stood firm in that opinion for months. Luca was thirteen months old and still resided in their living room - something had to change before they could possibly have another one. "There's no room and I know we could rent something bigger but... I want our kids to grow up in a house. A real one." She paused, then suggested tentatively, "we could ask my dad for-"

"No," Sonny interrupted her curtly. "I already told you, I don't want his gamblin' money."

Amanda winced; she had anticipated his answer. "Alright, alright."

"You and me, we're gonna figure it out," he told her firmly, giving her a knowing look. "You'll see."

* * *

"I'm hungry," Sonny grumbled, slumped in his seat on the N train.

"This is the last one of the weekend. After we see it, then we can eat," Amanda assured him, keeping her eyes on the station stops to make sure they got off at the right one.

They had spent the past two days roaming around New York City looking at properties. Their real estate agent, Laura, was impossibly chipper and optimistic - which had been encouraging when they had first met her months ago. Now, after weeks of fruitless searching, it was getting a little grating. They had found several houses they had liked, but before they could even make an offer, another person beat them to it. _It's a seller's market!_ Laura kept lamenting with a sad grin. Amanda and Sonny had started making dollar bets on how many times she would utter that phrase in a single interaction. So far that weekend, Amanda was up five dollars.

Initially, they hadn't had any open houses or tours scheduled for that Sunday. With Jesse and Luca at Sonny's parents' till the evening, Amanda and Sonny had planned to enjoy the temporary peace. That was until Amanda got a call from Laura, asking them to meet her in Astoria at a 'perfect' property that 'just went down twenty-six thousand in price!' Only twenty minutes away from their apartment in Long Island City, Amanda hadn't allowed Sonny the opportunity to protest. If she could muster the energy to see one more place, so could he, and they definitely were not in the position to pick and choose.

"Aren't you a little suspicious about this place? All of a sudden it's twenty-six grand less in _a seller's market?_ " Sonny asked her with a knowing smirk.

"We have to at least look at it," Amanda challenged him. She stood up as the train slowed. "C'mon. This is us."

Huddled in their coats, they walked down a tree-lined sidewalk to 9416 44th street. The cottage-style house was the palest shade of yellow with white trim and an elegant-looking dark wood door. Laura stood at the front gate, waiting for them.

"Hi! I'm so glad you could come!" Laura exclaimed, swinging open the gate and charging toward the front steps. "Okay, so: three bedrooms, two and a half bathrooms. The kitchen was just done over with granite and stainless steel appliances... you're gonna love it, I'm sure of it. The school district is great - you're still in Queens, obviously."

Inside, Amanda's eyes widened in surprise. She had been bracing herself for something old or hideous, but instead she was greeted by shining wood floors, muted walls and warm lighting. Slowly, she wandered through the large, bright living room and into the kitchen: it was pristine, very clearly just re-done with gleaming appliances and espresso-colored cabinets that complimented the subtle gray, brown and deep blue tiling beneath them. The bedrooms were spacious, all on the second floor; the master even had its own bathroom. There was an office that the current family was using as a nursery, making the descriptor of 'three bedrooms' somewhat misleading. The yard in the back was almost non-existent, but there was a small patch of grass and a single tree, which was a lot more than Amanda had ever seen in Manhattan. She barely listened to Laura's commentary as they moved in and out of the house, lost in her own fantasies about what it would be like to live there.

When they reached the living room again, Amanda was buzzing with growing excitement. When she looked over at Sonny, however, he appeared less than convinced.

"Why'd the owners lower the price?" Sonny asked Laura suspiciously, arms crossed over his chest.

"They're moving to California; the husband got a job offer there pretty suddenly," Laura explained easily.

He still looked skeptical. "How much down?" Amanda could practically hear the anticipatory cringe in Sonny's voice.

"Three and a half percent," Laura answered. "So, given the recent price reduction... a little over nineteen grand."

"That's it?"

"Mhm."

Sonny turned to Amanda. "What do you think?"

"I love it," she breathed earnestly. "It's the nicest house I've ever been in." Which probably wasn't saying much, but it was the truth.

"It is pretty nice," Sonny agreed, looking around approvingly.

"Are other people looking at it? How many? I want it. What do we do?" Amanda demanded anxiously of Laura. She was alarmingly attached to the house even though she had only been inside for twenty-five minutes.

"They don't have any offers yet," Laura told her. She reached inside of her bag and pulled out a folder, which she handed to Amanda. "If you're interested-"

"We're interested," Sonny and Amanda interrupted her in unison.

"-fill out this paperwork as soon as you can and I'll draft an offer letter," Laura continued. "I'm advising you not to do anything wild with your finances right now - spend on only the necessities. They're gonna look at your entire financial history. _Everything._ "

* * *

Amanda sat across from Sonny at Bareburger, a restaurant two blocks from their current apartment. The table was crowded with beer, burgers and fries, as well as the offer paperwork from Laura that Sonny was reviewing.

"You realize what this means, right?" he said eventually, peering up at her.

"What?" Amanda replied thickly as she eagerly ate french fries.

He leaned back in his seat and quirked an eyebrow. "No more spendin' money."

"Why are you tellin' me that?" she laughed.

"Let's see..." He wiped off his hands and pulled out his phone. After a moment of swiping, he read off of the screen, "this month you bought a new coffee table, a rug, like seven things on Amazon, a jacket-"

"That coat was on sale!" Amanda interrupted passionately. She had worn it that very day: a simple navy blue swing jacket with a cowl neck collar.

"For two hundred dollars?" he asked skeptically. "And haven't I been tellin' you for years that you have more coats than anybody I've ever met?"

"We're outside a lot," she challenged him indignantly. "And you told me you liked it."

Sonny took a swig of his beer. "You're missin' my point, 'Manda."

"Okay, okay," she sighed, holding up her hands in defeat. "I get it. I'm gonna stop."

"You are. 'Cause now you're on a budget," he concluded with a satisfied grin.

She furrowed her brow in confusion. "Huh?"

"A _budget_ ," he repeated slowly. "Y'know, it's that thing people have when they don't wanna go broke?"

"I hate when you do this shit," Amanda moaned dramatically.

"What shit?"

"This... condescending responsibility crap. It drives me nuts."

He looked smug. "Don't get all pissed off 'cause I called you out on how you spend like a drunk."

"Fuck you," she scoffed childishly, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Hey, you wanna do this or not?" Sonny asked her with a crass chuckle.

"Of course I do," Amanda mumbled, toying with her napkin. "More than anything."

"Then I need you to trust me on this."

"I do trust you, it's just..."

"Just...?"

She offered him an impish grin, peering up at him through long eyelashes as she requested sweetly, "just don't make me return the coat?"

* * *

Exhausted from a ten-hour day, Amanda cut up rigatoni into tiny little pieces and placed them on the tray of Luca's high chair. Almost immediately, he grabbed at the pasta and shoved some of them sloppily into his mouth with a squeal of delight. Even though Sonny and Jesse were sitting around the table with them, it was quiet except for the baby's babbling and sound of their forks encountering their plates.

"Mama?" Jesse said.

"Hm?" Amanda replied distractedly, keeping her eye on how much food actually got into Luca's mouth, not just onto his face.

"Where do babies come from?" Jesse asked her curiously.

Sonny suddenly and audibly choked on his food, coughing a little as he attempted to collect himself.

"What?" Amanda demanded, hoping she had misheard the toddler's question.

"Where do babies come from?" her daughter repeated deliberately.

She looked over at Sonny for assistance, but he was very intently focused on his plate. "Uh..." Amanda began awkwardly. "Well, um. You and your brother, you were in my belly. I told you that, remember?"

"I know that," Jesse huffed. "But how'd we _get_ there?"

Sonny's phone began ringing and buzzing loudly on the kitchen counter, sending a wave of relief through Amanda. She was not at all prepared to have this conversation with her overly-inquisitive almost-five-year-old, especially not at the dinner table.

"Oh! The phone is ringing!" she exclaimed unnecessarily to avoid answering Jesse's question. She ignored Sonny's expression of amusement as he got up to retrieve it.

Jesse was unfazed by the distraction. "But where-"

"Shh. Daddy's on the phone," Amanda reprimanded Jesse. She turned to Sonny. "Who is it?"

"It's Laura," he answered grimly, blinking down at the screen.

"Oh no," Amanda groaned, anticipating rejection. It had been two days since they had put in their offer for the little yellow house in Astoria. If it had been accepted, they should have been given a response within twenty-four hours. Without any word for more than forty-eight, it left them both believing that the current owners weren't interested. "Just pick it up so we can get this over with."

She actively tuned out Sonny's voice as she poked at the food on her plate. The process of looking for - and ultimately not finding - a house felt like being broken up with over and over again. The glimmer of hope followed by seemingly inevitable disappointment was exhausting. Amanda suddenly felt herself getting emotional, her jaw clenching as she tried not to let frustrated tears fall from her eyes. She had really liked that house; she had laid in bed that same night and caught herself imagining where a Christmas tree would look best in the living room. And sure, the yard was sort of pathetic, but Frannie would love to have her very own patch of grass...

Amanda looked up from her dish just as Sonny was tossing his phone back onto the counter. His eyes were big but he wasn't smiling; he appeared stunned.

"Uh... she said... she said they accepted it," he told her flatly. "She said they accepted our offer."

Dropping her fork in shock, Amanda leapt up from her chair. "What?!"

"We were the first ones in. It's been on the market too long, they need to move soon," he explained excitedly, his expression now bright and animated.

She slapped her hand over her mouth, eyes wide with disbelief. "Are you sure? Totally sure?"

"Yes, Amanda! She just told me!" he laughed.

Her heart was in her throat. Five minutes ago she had been thinking about how to tell Sonny that she didn't want to look for houses anymore, that it was too depressing. Now he was informing her that all of the frustration and heart ache had been worth it - their money was good enough for 9416 44th street. The disheartened tears that had burned Amanda's eyes were transformed into a symbol of her utter joy; she had waited her whole life for this moment. To Amanda, a house was the ultimate luxury. She knew that there were more hoops to jump through before they truly owned the property, but for right now, this was enough. This was progress.

She flung her arms around Sonny and kissed him. On her own, she would not have been in this position. On her own, she would have been in her old apartment with Jesse. It would have been fine - but that's all it would have ever been. In the years that Amanda had known Sonny, he had taught her that it was okay to want for more than mediocre, to put up a fight for better. His faith and fortitude never wavered, even when challenged by Amanda's toxic cynicism.

She only pulled away when she needed air; her heart was beating rapidly in her chest. She momentarily forgot that her children - the two small people she had really wanted this house for - were still in the room as she met Sonny's gaze. He took her face between his palms adoringly as he grinned down at her. "I'm so happy," Amanda croaked breathlessly as tears still rolled down her cheeks. "I really thought she was callin' to tell us something bad."

Sonny shook his head. "It's a good thing," he smiled. " _Our_ good thing."


	3. Chapter 3

_when I'm with you / I'm standing with an army_

* * *

If everything went smoothly, they would be able to move into the house by the fifteenth of December.

Initially, Amanda had refused to pack anything until the official closing came and went successfully on the eleventh. Ever the optimist, Sonny had worn her down in the weeks prior, gradually lugging boxes home in an effort to convince her that this was both real and very necessary. She couldn't help but remain at least a little cautious, knowing that nothing was legal until they signed on the dotted line, but eventually Amanda agreed that they had too much stuff to keep putting off packing. She supposed they could go through the depressing act of putting everything back again if things fell through.

On a frigid Saturday afternoon, Kim had come over to help Amanda organize. The two sisters sat on the living room floor, surrounded by odds and ends that they were either throwing away or setting aside to bring to the new place. Close by Amanda's side, Luca played happily with a bunch of crumpled up newspaper. Sonny had taken Jesse to the movies, because it was impossible to get anything done with her curious fingers constantly reaching into already-packed boxes.

"So," Kim said, carefully wrapping up a framed photograph of Frannie when she was just a puppy. "Are you pregnant yet?"

Amanda rolled her eyes at the blunt nature of her sister's question. "No, I'm not."

She set the photograph aside and moved on to the next one. "I thought you said you stopped takin' the pill."

"I did, but it's only been a couple of weeks," she explained, setting books inside of a box.

Kim let out a wistful sigh. "I wanna have a baby."

Amanda stopped what she was doing, surprised - and not in a good way. She frowned. "Kim..."

"So does Connor," her sister added cheerfully, ignoring Amanda's obvious expression of disapproval.

"You guys haven't even been together that long," she reminded Kim nervously.

"He moved in."

" _Moved in?_ To the apartment daddy got you?"

"Yeah, where else would he go?"

She squeezed her eyes shut then blinked Kim back into focus, trying to keep her cool. "Kim, you've gotta be careful, you're still on parole, there are conditions-"

"Oh my God, 'Manda," Kim interrupted her irritably. "Can't you just act like my sister and not a cop for like, one second?"

"I'm sorry, but sometimes you get these ideas and you don't think them all the way through," Amanda said quickly.

"Maybe you think too much." Kim reached out and squeezed one of Luca's hands. "I think I'd be a good mom."

"You would, Kim," Amanda agreed cautiously. "It's just a lot of work and... you and Connor need to be ready."

Her younger sister's eyes narrowed. "You weren't ready when you had Jesse."

Amanda sighed. "That's different."

"How?"

"I wasn't _trying_ to have a kid. It just happened. I had no idea how hard it would be." She shook her head. "And I'm tellin' you: it's hard. They need your attention all the time, they're expensive as hell... Jesse's pre-school costs almost twelve grand a year and kindergarten is even more. They are always hungry or tired or sick or something..."

"If they're so terrible, why do you want another one?" she asked snidely.

She rolled her eyes. "Because they aren't _terrible,_ Kim. They're great, they're amazing, but they aren't easy. That's all I'm saying. If y'all want a baby, just... think it all through first."

"I just think it'd be nice, havin' something to take care of," Kim confessed.

"Get a plant. Or a cat," Amanda suggested flatly.

Surprisingly, Kim didn't protest. Amanda watched her younger sister's face: she looked disappointed, even a little embarrassed, as she continued to carefully wrap things in newspaper.

"I'm just tryin' to look out for you, Kim," she reminded her quietly. "So you don't-"

"What? Mess up again?" Kim snapped, glaring at her. Any softness in her features was gone, replaced by icy annoyance.

She pressed her lips together. "I didn't say that."

"It's what you're thinkin', though," she accused.

"It isn't," Amanda insisted, even it was only half-true. "Sometimes you just want stuff and-"

"Stop tellin' me _about_ me!" Kim said loudly, slamming a picture frame into the carpet. "You aren't the only one who had a screwed up family, Amanda. I was there, too, remember? Maybe now... maybe I wanna make a better one."

"Okay, okay," she resigned nervously, surprised by Kim's impassioned response. She added begrudgingly, "I won't say anything more about it."

* * *

On moving day, Amanda was up before Sonny, too anxious to keep her eyes shut any longer. Luca had slept between them last night, his crib disassembled, but he looked perfectly content spread out like a starfish in the middle of their mattress. Before the alarm went off, she carefully maneuvered herself out of bed with plans of running across the street to get coffee and breakfast, since everything in their kitchen was packed. Quietly, she pulled on leggings and a t-shirt before shoving her feet into old black Uggs.

When she entered the living room, her eyes widened in horror: two large boxes had been opened and their contents spilled everywhere. The room was littered with toys and books, all of which had been neatly packed by Amanda the night before. A very obvious trail of of dolls, Legos and puzzle pieces led directly to Jesse's room.

"Jesse Anne Carisi, get your ass in here!" Amanda yelled. She was too annoyed to care if her voice woke Sonny and Luca.

Timidly, Jesse emerged from her room. Still in her pajamas, she clung to a bright pink plastic horse with a blue mane.

"Did you unpack this box of toys?" she demanded of her daughter, hands on her hips.

"I wanted My Little Pony!" Jesse whined. "She was all the way at the bottom!"

"The movers come in an hour!" Amanda cried. "I told you not to touch anything that was in a box!"

She swayed back and forth sweetly. "Oopsie..."

"Put it all back - now - or else you and My Little Pony are stayin' here," she told her sharply, her nerves causing her frustration to boil over.

Jesse's eyes grew big at her mother's idle threat. "No! I want my new room!"

Amanda heard Sonny's foot steps come up behind her before he was at her side. "Hey, why are we scream-" he began to ask, then paused when he saw the scene. He grimaced. "Oh, okay."

" _I wanted My Little Pony!_ " the little girl moaned.

She slapped her hand to her forehead, still aggravated. "I _told_ you-"

"Okay, okay. Everybody calm down," Sonny interrupted, stepping in between them like he was refereeing a fight. "Jesse, put everything away, now. While you do that, how about I go get us some breakfast, huh? I think we're all a little on-edge."

"Can I have a blueberry muffin?" Jesse requested eagerly, immediately distracted. "And a chocolate milk?"

"Sure," Sonny agreed, stepping over toys as he walked across the room. Shrugging on his coat, he looked at Amanda expectantly. "Mama?"

"Just a large coffee. Please," she mumbled. Sonny was either motivated by a genuine desire to diffuse the situation or the hope of getting out of cleaning - Amanda guessed it was a bit of both.

"You got it." He strode over to her and gave her a peck on the lips. " _Relax,_ " he murmured, squeezing her arm before he headed out the door.

Once Sonny was gone, Amanda sunk down onto the floor and joined her daughter in tossing things back into a box. Yesterday it had all be organized, but now she didn't care so much, just as long as it was contained.

"I'm sorry, mama," Jesse said meekly.

"It's okay, Jess," she sighed, feeling a twinge of guilt for her outburst. "I'm sorry I yelled at you. I'm just..."

"In a _mood_ ," her daughter finished her sentence.

She raised her eyebrows. "Excuse me?"

"That's what daddy says when you're mad," Jesse explained lightly.

"I see..." Amanda murmured, making a mental note to bring this up to Sonny later.

* * *

Moving with two small children and a dog proved to be a challenge unlike any other. Getting all of their belongings to the house was the easiest part of the day. It was when their help left that Amanda felt like she was herding cats: with both Jesse and Luca mobile, keeping an eye on them in a new, larger space was more difficult than ever. Frannie ran around in excited circles, sniffing everything and rolling on floors to mark her territory. Even despite the endless distractions, Amanda was immensely grateful for the chaos. Even as their familiar furniture filled the new rooms, it was surreal to remember that this was not just another overpriced apartment that they were begrudgingly paying rent on. This was something they owned, together, and something they could be proud of.

As afternoon eased into evening, Amanda's biggest concern was making sure Jesse and Luca's rooms were set up enough for them to be able to sleep. While she and Sonny's mattress was haphazardly left in the center of their floor, the two of them worked to make sure Jesse's bed frame was assembled as well as Luca's crib. It had been a long day, and neither of them wanted it to end with a tantrum. With the dishes and silverware still buried deep in unopened boxes, they ordered pizza for dinner and crowded around the box in hopes of containing the mess. After they were done, it only took fifteen minutes of the baby playing with discarded containers for his eyelids to grow heavy. Amanda took advantage of the opportunity to put him to sleep in his new room without a struggle, but it was Jesse she was really worried about. The little girl had been excited to move for weeks, but by now Amanda knew that a temperamental toddler often didn't do well with change.

As she got her daughter ready to go to sleep, Amanda made sure to explain that she and Sonny's bedroom was right down the hall and that her brother was right next door. Sonny had dug Jesse's nightlight out of a random box and plugged into an outlet by her bed and Jesse's stuffed rabbit, Bunny, was waiting for her as the toddler climbed beneath fresh sheets. Seemingly too tired to be afraid, her daughter requested that Amanda lay with her for 'just a little while' - but fell asleep only minutes after her head found her pillow.

Amanda lingered until she was satisfied that Jesse was out for good - or at least for the next few hours. She tip toed away from the bed and carefully shut the door, then walked down the hallway to her new bedroom. The space was a disaster of half-empty boxes, contents spread out everywhere, all of their furniture only partially assembled. Their bed frame and headboard rested against the far wall, neither of them ambitious enough to put anything else together that day.

"I thought you fell asleep in there," Sonny mused as he folded an empty box in half and set it aside.

She shook her head. "Nah. I just wanted to make sure that she was really asleep, not just doin' that thing where she closes her eyes for awhile then opens them the second I move."

"I think she's pretty worn-"

The doorbell rang, causing both of them to raise a curious eyebrow.

Sonny looked at his watch; it was after eight o'clock. "Did the movers forget something?"

"Maybe... I'll get it," Amanda offered before she quickly and quietly bounded down the stairs. It was strange to have to journey so far to the front door.

Without a peephole to peer out of, she unlocked the door and cracked it open cautiously. A FedEx driver stood on the front steps.

"Mr. and Mrs. Carisi?" the driver asked.

"Yes..." she answered him.

"Delivery for ya." He thrust a rectangular black and gold box wrapped in cellophane toward Amanda.

"Oh, uh, thanks," she replied, taking the package and signing her name on the electronic screen he offered to her next.

The box was surprisingly heavy as she carried upstairs to Sonny. He looked confused when she brought it into the bedroom.

"What's that?" Sonny asked curiously.

"I dunno..." She set it on the mattress and sat down beside it before tearing into the squeaky cellophane. Her eyes grew big when she read the ornate gold label on the black packaging: _Dom Perignon._ A small card attached declared: _Congrats on the house! Much love, Liv & Fin._

"Whoa," Sonny exclaimed as he hovered over her, then added excitedly, "let's crack it open!"

"I can't believe they did this!" Amanda breathed. She carefully broke the elegant seal to the sturdy box, revealing the champagne and two flutes. She slid her phone from her back pocket and began to text both Fin and Liv with quick thumbs, anxious to let them know how much she appreciated the gesture. They had witnessed she and Sonny's quest for a house from the very start and had tolerated all of the ups and downs in between; Amanda thought _they_ were the ones who deserved a gift.

Sonny sunk down next to her and pulled the bottle from its confines, analyzing the label. "This is really nice."

"Open it!" She nudged his shoulder anxiously. "I've never had it before."

"Me neither." He unwrapped the black foil from the neck of the champagne and started to loosen the wire cage around the cork. "This is some classy shit."

"Perfect timing, too. I haven't found any of our liquor and I'm tired of opening boxes," Amanda admitted.

Sonny snatched a t-shirt off of the floor and draped it over the bottle. Pointing it away from them, he held the cork with one hand and twisted the bottle with the other until it was open with a loud 'pop.' Amanda jumped and let out a little yelp of surprise at the sound and the way it foamed up so rapidly. Laughing, she reached behind her to quickly grab the glasses it came with. She held the flutes close to Sonny to allow him to pour out the champagne, the golden liquid bubbling right up to the rims.

After Sonny set the bottle onto the floor, Amanda handed him a flute. Crowding close to his side, she clinked her glass gently against his. "Cheers," she said happily.

He grinned at her. "Cheers."

Simultaneously, they both took sips of their champagne. Amanda was instantly sure that it was the best alcohol she had ever tasted, but she was soon distracted by the delighted expression on Sonny's face. "You look just like Luca the first time he ever ate cheese!" she laughed.

"Y'mean, like my entire existence has been changed forever?" he quipped.

"Just like that." She let out a contented sigh and leaned back on to the bed. She allowed her bent knees to drop to one side and spread her arms out in a 'T,' chin tilted to the ceiling. "This is the best day of my life," she declared with a little wave of her glass.

He looked over his shoulder at her with a charming pout. "Hey, I thought marryin' me was the best day of your life."

"Oh, did I say that? Whoops..." she joked casually.

In a quick act of retaliation, he gave her ass a playful slap while wearing a mischievous grin.

"Hey! Watch the champagne!" she cried with a laugh, even though her glass was mere centimeters from the floor. She just didn't want to put it down yet.

Chuckling, Sonny turned around and laid beside her on his stomach, his weight resting on his forearms. He leaned his head in and kissed her.

"Hmm, I like kissin' you when you taste like expensive champagne," Amanda purred approvingly against his mouth.

"Don't get too used to it," Sonny murmured slyly. Setting his glass down on the floor, he rested a cheek on his folded forearms with a wince. "Ugh, why'd you let me carry that stupid book shelf all the way upstairs? Isn't that what we paid the movers for?"

She rolled her eyes. "Hey, you insisted. I didn't want to insult your manhood."

He replied with a groan.

She took another gulp of champagne before she set the flute on the floor by the mattress so she could sit up. She straddled his lower back, sitting on her haunches as her hands smoothed over the warm, soft fabric of his old t-shirt. "Y'know..."

"Hm?" he grunted.

His muscles relaxed beneath her touch as her palms worked his back slowly and methodically. "This is the _other_ best day of my life. I wouldn't have this day without the other one."

"I think that's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me," Sonny murmured.

Amanda smirked. " _Don't get too used to it._ "


	4. Chapter 4

**AN:** Some fluff and some crazy hormonal Amanda 'cause it's fun to write. There'll be some angst in the near future, knowing me :)

* * *

 _you taught me_ _what a life is for / to see that ordinary, isn't_

* * *

Amanda never anticipated how amazing it was to have more than one bathroom.

To have one attached to her bedroom? That was the ultimate luxury. She wasted no time in making sure that the modern space was void of anything child-related - when she was through, there wasn't a bath toy in sight. If Sonny had any delusions about taking up counter space with some of his belongings, he was sorely mistaken: Amanda's products and hair tools occupied the expansive marble. She admired her collection like a work of art, relishing in the opportunity to finally have the space to keep things organized. It was hardly huge, but to Amanda, all that mattered was that it was superior to the cramped place she had come from.

At six feet tall, Sonny had barely fit in the small shower stall in their Long Island City apartment. Now, their shower was big enough for two, which they took advantage of on a cold and dark Thursday morning. Her palms pressed against the tile wall, she stood up on her tip-toes, calves straining to remain at the perfect height as Sonny moved in and out of her. The collision of their bodies echoed in the space, muffled by the hiss of the steaming hot shower. He grabbed her hair, tugging her head back to cajole her with the kind of lustful, lewd language that he saved for their most fervent private moments. Her back arched for him willingly, greedy in more ways than one. When his pace became forceful and fast, Amanda cried out her sudden orgasm hoping the sound was contained to the small room. It was only when Sonny finished that the muscles in her body relaxed, her frame slumping against the slippery wall as he pressed close to her one last time.

They had to go to work. After drying off, Amanda wrapped herself up in her gray jersey bathrobe and stood in front of the mirror to run a comb through her hair. She felt Sonny come up behind her, a towel wrapped around his waist, his arms encircling her. He was warm and damp from their shower, his skin smelling of soap and his hair slicked back from his forehead.

"Y'think it worked?" he asked into the side of her head.

She laughed, her fingers squeezing his forearms. "You've asked me that every time we've had sex for the past month and every time I've told you: it's not like I can tell."

"I'm just waitin' to see if one day the answer changes," Sonny told her playfully.

"You're gonna be waiting awhile," she smirked.

"That's okay." Wearing a lazy smile, his hand slid beneath the short hem of her robe to palm the flesh of her ass. He gave it lingering, appreciative squeeze. "We'll just keep tryin'..."

"You're insatiable." She gave a purposeful wriggle and whacked the back of her hand against his shoulder deliberately. "Put some clothes on, we're gonna be late."

He raised an eyebrow as he pulled away from her. "Since when do you care about bein' late?"

"I've always cared, it's just that I rarely do anything about it," Amanda admitted, reaching for her moisturizer. She smoothed it over her face, which was still pink from both the heat of the shower and her orgasm.

Sonny lost interest once she started seriously getting herself ready for the day. She heard him padding around the bedroom and by the time she emerged, hair straight and dry, he was clothed and buttoning up his shirt. As Amanda contemplated the blouse she would wear that day, their door suddenly opened to reveal Jesse, who had gotten herself dressed for school. Wearing rainbow tights beneath a plaid dress, Amanda cringed at her daughter's outfit choice. She knew better than to challenge Jesse on her clothing selection, though, especially when time was of the essence.

"Hey, what'd I tell you about bustin' into rooms?" Amanda reminded Jesse.

"Oops." Jesse walked back out into the hallway, shut the door and knocked. A second later, she opened the door again and reappeared in their bedroom. "Okay! I knocked."

Amanda rolled her eyes. It was a close enough attempt at politeness.

"Mama, will you do my hair like Elsa?" the little girl requested.

"That means I have to brush it," she warned.

"Okay," Jesse sighed.

Grabbing her own brush, Amanda sat on the edge of the bed and motioned for Jesse. Facing away from her, Jesse stood between her mother's legs. Amanda began to gently comb her daughter's long, light brown hair. It was still baby-soft, and while she could have played with it all day, Jesse had a low tolerance for any activity that meant she had to remain motionless.

"Is your brother awake?" she asked her as she carefully worked out a tangle.

She nodded. "Uh huh."

With practiced fingers, Amanda started French braiding Jesse's hair. "That's good. Audrey'll be here soon."

"Can't you and daddy bring me to school?" she asked sweetly.

"No, baby," she told her gently, securing the braid with an elastic. "School's not right down the street anymore, we don't have time."

" _Please_ will you bring me?" Jesse whined, turning around to look at her mother with a pout.

"Hey, wanna help me pick out a tie?" Sonny offered brightly as a distraction.

"Yeah!" the little girl agreed, her features lighting up. She ran toward him, her little braid bouncing at the back of her head.

Sonny hoisted Jesse up onto his hip with a grunt. "Either you're gettin' too big or I'm gettin' old."

"Old," Amanda offered as the answer.

"This one. We match!" Jesse pointed to a dark blue and green tartan plaid tie that hung from the rack on the back of their closet door.

Sonny heaved a dramatic sigh as he pulled it from the hook. "I don't have anything rainbow, so this'll have to do."

* * *

"This is the biggest tree _ever!_ " Jesse declared as she stood in the middle of their living room, gazing up at the balsam that now sat in front of their window.

Christmas to Sonny Carisi was sacred - and not only because of the religious aspect. All of the fanfare and excitement around the season was extremely important to him and it commenced the moment Thanksgiving ended. Initially, Amanda hadn't understood his obsession. Conversely, when Sonny had first met her, he couldn't believe that she didn't go home for the holiday or have a tree in her apartment. For years, Amanda had only seen the day as an opportunity for time-and-a-half pay at work, since all of her colleagues preferred to take the shift off and celebrate. Since having Jesse, though, Amanda made a little more of an effort. Even when she was too young to really understand it, she got a small tree and of course bought her daughter presents. When Sonny moved in, things escalated. He had hauled the biggest balsam that would fit into her cramped living room and insisted on stockings being hung from the mantle over her non-functioning fireplace. It was his enthusiasm that made Amanda realize that the holidays weren't _inherently_ miserable - she had simply been in the wrong company before she had met him.

That year, with much more space to work with, they were able to get a seven-foot tree. On a frigid Monday evening they hauled it from a lot four blocks away. After a half an hour of arguing about where to position it, they set it in a corner by a window and left it alone to allow the branches to fall. Frannie sniffed it curiously while Jesse was buzzing with excitement, eager to decorate. Amanda and Sonny began the work of untangling the lights until Luca demanded a snack. Sonny took over while she got him some milk and settled down on the couch with their son. On her lap, Luca curled against her chest, sleepily drinking from a sippy cup. Even if he was tired, the baby's eyes were focused on the strings of multicolored lights in his father's hand, as if he was mesmerized.

"Did you send my letter to Santa?" Jesse asked.

Sonny frowned. "Oops, I think I forgot..."

"No!" she moaned, her limbs flailing with her distress.

"Of course I sent it," Sonny chuckled.

"Does Santa know we moved?"

"He knows. C'mon, help me with this. You hold this end for me."

Obediently, she took hold of one end of the lights while Sonny traveled around the tree, nestling the string between branches until all of the spaces were filled. Jesse could hardly wait to open the first box of ornaments, her hands diving into the contents the second Sonny was finished.

"A lot of those are glass, Jess. Be careful," Amanda reminded her, setting the baby's cup on the coffee table once he was finished.

Given how short she was, the majority of Jesse's ornaments hung right at her eye level - leaving the top half of the tree to Sonny and Amanda. With a groggy Luca against her hip, Amanda used to free hand to decorate, trying to be thoughtful about how she distributed the bobbles. In the process, the baby suddenly reached chubby fingers out to touch a shiny blue ball that she hooked onto a branch.

"Pretty, huh?" Amanda cooed.

Luca strained forward to grab it.

"Ah, we look with our eyes, not with our hands," she reminded him, gently guiding his hand away from the tree.

Too tired to protest, his fist curled against Amanda's chest as his head lolled back onto her shoulder. She looked down at his long eyelashes resting atop pink cheeks and was struck by how quickly Luca was growing, seemingly all of a sudden. At his last doctor's appointment, they had been informed that he was in the 90th percentile for height. It wasn't a surprise given how tall the Carisis were, but Amanda had grown attached to his chubby limbs and soft features and didn't want him to look like anything other than a baby just yet. Maybe that was why she was so eager to have another child, even though logically she knew that they all grew up. Despite how much work babies were, there was something so simple and innocent about them that Amanda found oddly comforting.

They worked until the entire tree was glittering with ornaments that twinkled in the glow of the multicolored lights. It was an impressive sight, especially in comparison to the little ones they had made do with it the past. Stepping away from it, Sonny surveyed their work with hands on his hips.

"Looks pretty good, huh?" he asked her proudly.

Amanda smiled as she stood by his side. "It looks great," she assured him honestly. She stood up on her toes and leaned in to kiss him on the cheek. "It's perfect."

* * *

Sonny's mother had always been opinionated and overbearing. These traits were typically offset by her otherwise generous and kind nature, but Amanda hadn't been prepared for the onslaught of judgement the second her mother-in-law stepped foot into their new house. It was like she had been waiting her whole life to be able to critique something of this magnitude; Mrs. Carisi had so much to say about even the smallest things. She was shameless as she commented on the flaws she perceived in every room, her tone light and cheerful despite her seemingly endless criticism.

In the living room, she took issue with the furniture placement. _"I don't know if I'd have the couch like that. I'd move it to the other wall."_

Poking through Jesse's closet, she scowled. _"You should get her different hangers, none of these match!"_

Wandering around Luca's room, she had taken special interest in the positioning of his crib. _"Doesn't that window get too drafty for the baby?"_

She even made a very obvious noise of disapproval as they walked down the hallway. _"This carpet_ has _to go. You're getting rid of it, right? I know a guy who'll do it for a great price."_

Amanda had bitten her tongue even though she wanted to scream. Lately, she had been especially irritable, which she attributed to going off of her birth control. She was trying to be mindful of her new tendency to fly off the handle, so she didn't feed into any of her mother-in-law's cutting remarks. She kept waiting for Sonny to say something, though. She wanted him to challenge her, but he just made little noises of curiosity and agreement as if the woman was being perfectly reasonable. It only served to infuriate Amanda further. By the time Sonny's mother was gone, her blood was practically boiling. While Sonny retreated to the living room to watch the hockey game, Amanda angrily slammed dishes and cabinet doors as she put things away in the kitchen.

"Hey, 'Manda? Can you grab me a beer?" Sonny called from the couch.

Begrudgingly, she pulled a bottle from the refrigerator, cracked it open and strode into the living room. With a passive-aggressive flourish, she set the beer on to the coffee table before walking away.

"Uh, thanks..." he told her tentatively. Moments later, he appeared in the doorway to the kitchen. "Are you okay?"

"No, I'm pissed off," Amanda admitted curtly, back to him as she roughly dried off silverware and shoved it into a drawer.

"I can see that. What's the matter?"

She whirled around on her heel. "Did you not witness your mother come through here and critique every inch of this house an hour ago?"

Sonny shrugged. "You know how she is, she's-"

"You didn't even _say_ anything!" she interrupted.

"What was I gonna say?"

"You could disagree with her for once in your life, maybe?"

"She's my mother."

" _So what?!_ " Amanda shrieked. "I'm your wife and you're thirty-seven years old! When are you gonna stop pandering to her?"

He roughly rubbed his palms over his face, groaning, "oh my God, this hormonal shit is killin' me."

Ignoring him, she kept going. "I don't want to change the carpet, I don't want to move Luca's crib, I'm not puttin' the couch against the other wall and I'm not buying new fucking hangers! They're hangers! Who the hell cares what they look like?" she exploded.

Years ago, Sonny's eyes would go wide whenever Amanda raised her voice. He would look like a deer caught in headlights, unsure if he should run away or stay frozen in place. Now, he appeared relatively unfazed, his facial expression relaxed, probably because he was used to her outbursts by now. "We don't have to do any of that," he assured her levelly.

She turned back around began to put the silverware away again. "Then she'll come over here and keep talking shit about it until we finally do. You know, she's just like my mother, except when your mother criticizes something she says it in a nicer voice and gives you a hug after."

"No, no way. Your mother is crazy," Sonny exclaimed with a surprised laugh.

Amanda turned around again, this time pointing a fork emphatically in his direction. "So is yours, Carisi. You just don't see it because y'all think she's the goddamn patron saint of Staten Island." She tossed the fork into the drawer violently. "We might as well move. Hell, why don't we just move into her house? 'Cause nothing is ever gonna be better than that, right? She irons bed sheets, for Christ's sake. Who can compete with ironed beds sheets?"

The words echoed through the kitchen and she winced. Her heart was pounding in her chest, partly from anger, partly because she was embarrassed by how intensely she felt things these days. At least it was only Sonny bearing witness to her insanity this time.

Sonny cleared his throat. "You done?" he asked dryly after a few moments of silence.

Gritting her teeth, she didn't say anything.

She heard his footsteps approach her. He set a gentle hand on her lower back as he asked, "y'think maybe you're overreactin' just a little?"

"No, I'm not," Amanda retorted stubbornly. "This is... we've spent... this is something really important and she just picked it all apart and... and you could have at least challenged her on some of it and made it seem like-"

He tilted his head curiously. "Seem like what?"

She stopped fussing with the silverware and swallowed thickly. She thought of what Dr. Lindstrom told her fairly often: _anger is like an iceberg, what's on the surface can be misleading. Think about what's hidden below the surface._ As childish as it was, beneath her fiery irritation, she was hurt. "Like what we have is good enough for you. For us."

"Aw, 'Manda, come on," Sonny said softly. "Of course it's good enough."

She crossed her arms obstinately over her chest, gaze focused intently on the shiny stainless steel of the sink.

Sonny kissed the side of her head and spoke into her hair, "I love you and I love our house. I don't care what anybody else has to say about it, not even my mother."

Amanda screwed her eyes shut, heat creeping into her cheeks as she realized how reasonable Sonny was and how crazy she had just sounded. "Sorry, I'm a little..."

"Yeah, I know," he murmured.

"It did, uh, hurt my feelings a little bit, though," she admitted sheepishly. The words felt immature to say, but they were true.

"She doesn't get it, 'Manda," Sonny explained gently. "She thinks she's bein' helpful. She doesn't understand how much all this means to you." He tilted his head to get a better look at her face. "But _I_ do."

Amanda nodded.

"C'mon, leave this stuff. Come watch the game with me," he suggested.

"Okay," she grumbled.

She still hated when he was right.

* * *

Their backyard was tiny and relatively barren given the time of year, but Jesse wanted to play out there anyway. It was fenced in, which gave Amanda a little peace of mind, but she was too paranoid to allow her to go out there totally unsupervised. She wrapped Christmas presents - the ones that weren't from Santa, of course - on the island while she watched Jesse entertain herself through the window over the kitchen sink. The little girl was bundled up in her coat, hat and gloves as she played with imaginary friends, dug around in the dirt and attempted cartwheels. Once she came inside, she would be filthy, but she would hopefully be exhausted, too.

Amanda was carefully folding up a sweater she had bought for Kim, tucking it neatly into its original box, when she heard Jesse scream: "Mama! Mama!"

Dropping everything, she bolted to the door at the back of the kitchen. "What? What is it?" she asked anxiously.

"Look what I found!" Standing in the middle of the yard, Jesse held up a tiny, fuzzy creature which Amanda quickly realized was a gray kitten.

"Oh, lord," she mumbled, chewing on her thumb nail.

"It's a kitten!" Jesse shrieked, galloping toward her.

"Where did you get that?" Amanda demanded.

"He was in the yard! Hiding!" she explained with a grin.

She grimaced. "I'm sure he belongs to somebody..."

"Please can I bring him inside?" Jesse begged. "Please?!"

"Your father is gonna be home soon and he doesn't like cats," Amanda warned. "And that might be somebody's pet and they're gonna be real sad if we take him. Wouldn't you be upset if somebody took Frannie?"

"Mama, please. Please! It's cold out!" she whined.

Amanda frowned. Jesse looked so excited and, goddamnit, the cat was adorable. She didn't have the heart to tell her 'no' _or_ to allow a defenseless animal to freeze to death in their yard. "Okay, bring him inside. Come on," she grumbled begrudgingly.

"Yay! I want to name him Fluffy!" Jesse exclaimed, running into the house.

"No, he probably has a name already," she said sternly. "We're just keepin' him until we find out who he belongs to."

"Fluffy, Fluffy, Fluffy..." Jesse sang giddily, gazing adoringly down at the kitten in her arms.

"Listen, we're gonna put him... in the closet for right now. We'll make him a little bed and get him some water. But don't say a peep about it to dad, y'hear me?" Amanda explained quickly. "Not until I talk to him."

"Okay. Not a peep," she repeated with a serious nod.

Grabbing several towels from the laundry, Amanda piled them onto the floor of one of the hallway closets. She gave the kitten a small bowl of water before setting him down onto his nest and closing the door almost all the way. Sonny would be home soon, so she hoped the cat wouldn't have to be hidden away for long. She instructed Jesse to get cleaned up, but when she reappeared, she kept hovering by the closet to peek inside.

When Sonny came through the front door, Amanda let him take off his coat and kick off his shoes. They greeted each other normally, but when he began to climb the steps, he paused when he heard an odd sound.

 _Meow._

Amanda cringed in the downstairs hallway, hoping he would ignore it and keep going.

 _Meeeooowww._

Sonny turned around slowly and walked back downstairs. In the hallway, he narrowed his eyes and looked at Amanda. "Why is the closet meowin'?"

"Uh..." she began stupidly. "Well..."

Sonny pulled open the door to reveal the kitten, who was sitting obediently atop his towel-bed with wide, curious eyes. _Meow._

"Oh, Jesus, Amanda. Where the hell did this thing come from?" he groaned, arms flopping uselessly at his sides.

"Jesse found it in the yard," she explained meekly. Jesse was only barely containing herself next to her mother, wriggling around in anticipation.

"Well, back to the yard it goes," Sonny concluded.

"No! No, it's cold out and he'll die," Amanda said desperately, flinging herself in between Sonny and the closet.

"Natural selection, 'Manda. That's the way the world works," he reasoned crassly.

Her mouth fell open. " _Sonny!_ " she exclaimed. "It's almost Christmas! Have some compassion."

"I have compassion. Just not for cats," he grumbled.

Amanda quickly picked up the cat and cuddled the warm little body to her chest. "Look at him. Come on," she urged her husband. Grinning sweetly, she waved the kitten's small paw in Sonny's direction.

He shook his head. "Nope, they are evil."

"Daddy, please! Please, _please_ ," Jesse howled, attaching herself to Sonny's leg dramatically. "He doesn't have a mom or dad!"

"I'll call animal control downtown Monday and see what they can do," Amanda promised Sonny quietly. She kept her blue eyes wide and innocent. "Just let him stay here till then. Please?"

Sonny looked at her, the cat and then finally down at Jesse. He was still trying his best to appear stern, but Amanda could see his expression beginning to soften. "Fine," he grumbled. "Until Monday. But not a _second_ later."


	5. Chapter 5

_piece by piece / he restores my faith / that a man can be kind / and a father could stay_

* * *

"Wake up! Wake up!" Jesse shrieked as she threw herself in between Sonny and Amanda on their bed.

Sonny woke with a start. "Jesus, Jesse," he yelped. "You're gonna give me a heart attack."

"Santa came! Presents!" the little girl explained, only focused on one thing.

"What time is it?" Amanda grumbled, still curled on her side beneath the sheets.

"It's morning time!" Jesse answered. She shook her mother's shoulder. "Mama, get up, please! Please!"

"Okay, okay, go sit out in the living room," she yawned with a dismissive wave of her hand.

Jesse tumbled off of the bed and pounded down the stairs. Amanda flopped over onto her back with a groan, still tired. They hadn't gotten back from Christmas Eve dinner and mass with Sonny's family until two in the morning. Getting Jesse in bed at that hour had been a task, even after several reminders about Santa's preference for only delivering presents to sleeping children. Eventually her excitement gave way to exhaustion and Amanda could sneak into her own room unnoticed.

Sonny's forearm was flung over his eyes. Above him, nestled close to his hair, was the kitten that he had sworn would be back on the street just one week ago. Amanda hadn't kept her promise; she never contacted Animal Control. She swore she would do it after Christmas, but secretly she had no intentions of ever giving up the cat. She had grown up around stray animals in rural Georgia and now found herself more attached to the new pet than Jesse was. Fluffy was a ridiculous name, but Amanda called him that anyway until she could think of something better. It didn't go unnoticed: every time Sonny was in the same room as the kitten, he took the opportunity to rehash all of his past traumatic cat experiences. _Once when I was seven, I went to pet my neighbor's cat and he practically clawed my face off!_ he would lament melodramatically. His stories did nothing to deter her; she only responded with pointed eye rolls. The very best part was that the harder Sonny fought to resist Fluffy, the more adorably interested in him the animal became.

Sitting up, Amanda hovered over Sonny. "Merry Christmas," she said, poking at his bare chest. She reached above his head to retrieve the cat. "Merry Christmas, Fluffy!"

"Oh, God, is it in my hair?" Sonny exclaimed nervously, eyes flying open as his hands immediately gripped his skull.

"Relax, your precious hair is fine," she assured him snidely as she rested a cheek atop Fluffy's little head. She climbed out of bed with him. "C'mon, get up."

"I'm comin'," he yawned, long limbs untangling from the sheets.

Bleary-eyed, Amanda pulled on an old NYPD sweatshirt and padded into the hallway. She gently set the kitten at the top of the stairs. "Go have some breakfast," she encouraged the animal with a nudge, before Fluffy was bounding toward the food and water that now sat beside Frannie's in the kitchen, much to Sonny's chagrin.

"Nobody opens anything until I have a cup of coffee," she called down the stairs. In Luca's room, she found him standing up in his crib. "Merry Christmas, baby," she cooed to him enthusiastically, even though he was still clueless about the holiday. She lifted Luca out of his crib so she could change his diaper.

"Daddy, please make fast coffee!" Amanda heard Jesse moan.

"I'm goin', I'm goin'," Sonny grunted.

The next hour was a flurry of wrapping paper, ribbon and boxes. Jesse had to be physically restrained from opening her brother's presents as well as her own. Amanda and Sonny sat on the couch and watched the controlled chaos with mugs of coffee until everything beneath the tree had seemingly been torn apart.

"Well, that's it. No more presents," Sonny announced a bit too cheerfully.

Jesse pouted. "None?"

He shook his head. "Nope."

Amanda squinted at the tree. "Wait a second... what's that thing under the tree? By the wall?"

Still on her knees on the carpet, Jesse whirled around to look. "What thing?"

"I dunno, Jess, go grab it," she urged her daughter. "See it over there? It's red. It looks like it's an envelope."

Jesse moved past her brother, who was rolling a plastic Fisher-Price police car all around the floor and crawling after it. She reached her arm beneath the tree and snatched the red envelope in her hands. Looking down at it, her eyes widened. "It says my name! And Luca's! Doesn't it?"

"Hm, looks like it," Amanda said from over her coffee cup. "Open it up!"

She wasted no time in ripping open the paper and tossing it to the ground. She jumped to her feet when she discovered the card inside. "Mama! It's Minnie Mouse! And Mickey!" she squealed, running to the couch. "What's it say?!"

Amanda took the card from her daughter. "Hmm, let's see. It says... 'Merry Christmas, Jesse and Luca! You're going to Disney World! We're excited to see you in June! Love, Mickey and Minnie Mouse.'"

"We're... going to Disney World?" Jesse stammered. "That's what it says?"

"You bet we are," Sonny answered.

Amanda's father had asked her what she wanted for Christmas that year. He had asked Kim, too, and while she submitted a list of requests like a kid writing to Santa, Amanda only wanted to figure out a way to get Jesse to Disney World before she started school full-time. She and Sonny had tried to save for the trip for awhile, but after buying the house, they lost some momentum. The Happiest Place on Earth was more expensive than their honeymoon. While Amanda and Sonny could manage the airfare and other expenses, the lodging was absurdly priced. She shuddered at the thought of dragging two little kids on buses or shuttles every morning and night just to get to and from the park, so Peter Rollins' Christmas gift to his eldest daughter was a five-day hotel stay in the Magic Kingdom.

Jesse started to fidget with growing excitement as the realization dawned on her. "With... with... Mickey and Minnie? And the princesses? Disney World?"

"Psh, of course. They all live there, don't they?" Sonny replied easily with a grin.

"Ahhhh! I can't believe it! _I can't believe it!_ " Jesse shrieked, jumping up and down. "When is it June? How long till June?"

"Five months. It'll go by real quick," Amanda assured her with a laugh. "We'll start checkin' days off on the calendar."

"How did Santa know?" she gasped, looking between the two adults. "I didn't write it on my list!"

"Ah, c'mon. Santa's a pretty smart guy," Sonny explained. "He knows how much you love Elsa and Ava-"

" _Anna!_ " Jesse and Amanda corrected him simultaneously.

He rolled his eyes good-naturedly. "Yeah, those two."

* * *

At one o'clock on a cold January morning, Amanda couldn't sleep. She felt off, strange, and every time she closed her eyes they automatically blinked open again. Careful not to disturb Sonny, she maneuvered herself out of bed and walked to their bathroom. Shutting the door almost all the way, she turned on the light. She dug through the medicine cabinet, pushing aside old prescriptions, NyQuil and children's cold syrup until her fingertips settled on a box of pregnancy tests.

It was just a feeling.

Amanda couldn't explain it - she wasn't more tired than usual or vomiting (yet) - but something was different. It had been on her mind for the past few days, and that night, it was starting to drive her crazy. She had never been good at existing in the unknown. Opening up the box, she slid the test from its confines and quickly read over the instructions. Peeing on a stick wasn't complicated, but she didn't want to mess it up. When she was done, she carefully put the cap over the tip and set it on the countertop. It would be ready to read in three minutes.

She walked back out into the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed next to Sonny. He was sleeping peacefully. For a moment she debated leaving him alone - but that moment passed quickly.

"Sonny," she whispered loudly, hoping that would rouse him.

He didn't move.

"Sonny," Amanda repeated a little louder, nudging his hip. "Wake up."

"Hm, what?" he grunted, flopping onto his back. He rubbed at his eyes as he blinked her into focus in the dark. "What are you doin' up?"

She picked at the fabric of the comforter. "I couldn't sleep..."

"Y'wanna fool around?" he offered with a sleepy smirk.

Amanda rolled her eyes. "No. I couldn't sleep because, because I have this feeling... I think I'm pregnant."

He eyed her like she had three heads. "Huh?"

"I think I'm pregnant," she repeated. "I just have a feeling. I took a test."

"And you had to do this now? At... at one in the mornin'?" he asked incredulously.

She nodded. "I just want to know."

Sonny sighed as he pulled himself up to a sitting position, a long arm reaching out to turn the light on the bedside table on. He ruffled his hair and yawned. "Okay. But... what if you're not?"

"Then I'm not, but, we've been trying for months." She frowned. "I got pregnant with two kids on the pill, why's it taking so long now?"

"We must not be havin' sex enough," he mused.

Amanda furrowed her brow. "Nice try. I'm being serious."

"You worry too much. I've been tellin' you, it'll happen," Sonny insisted.

"What time is it?" she asked him anxiously.

He picked up his phone and looked at the screen. "Five past..."

She jumped up and sprinted into the bathroom. Snatching up the capped test, she anxiously squinted at the little window that displayed the results. There, she saw two dark pink lines. Her eyes widened in surprise before she was flooded with irrational anxiety, afraid she was misreading or hallucinating. Rushing over to Sonny's side, she shoved the test in his face. "Is that two lines? Do you see two lines or one line?" Amanda demanded.

He squinted, leaning forward. "Yeah. I see two lines. Is that a good thing?"

"I knew it!" she exclaimed victoriously. "It means I'm pregnant!"

Amanda watched his face change, from confused to surprised to elated, his gray-blue eyes growing larger by the second. "What? It does?!" he sputtered.

"Yes!" she squealed. She jumped on top of him, knees bouncing into the mattress on either side of his lap. Grabbing Sonny's face between her hands, she kissed him passionately.

"I told you! I told you it'd happen," he chuckled against her mouth, his hands squeezing her sides.

"I'm so happy," she whispered, resting her forehead against his. She dropped her palms to his bare chest, soothing them up and down his warm skin. "This... all of this... I've never been so happy."

Sonny kissed her again, long and slow, then lolled his head back against the headboard. He gazed at her with a warm, appreciative smile. "Oh man, Amanda..." he breathed quietly. "This is the best feelin' in the world for me, y'know that? It's like... bein' a dad, it's amazing - and you gave that to me."

"Don't make me cry," she croaked softly with a grin, her hands stilling. "You always do that."

He squeezed her again. "Do what?"

She pouted. "Make me all... mushy."

"Hey, at least nobody else knows that deep down, you're the biggest sap of 'em all'," he reasoned smugly.

"It better stay that way," she threatened idly.

"It will," Sonny promised. "I'd rather keep it all for myself anyway."

* * *

Almost three months pregnant, Amanda and Sonny revealed the news to family first. On a snowy Friday night, they went to dinner at the Carisi home with both children in tow. Sonny's mother cried - she was always the best audience - and his father beamed proudly as he wrapped them both up in tight, bear-hugs. Despite their intensity, Amanda truly loved both of Sonny's parents. She was immensely grateful for the way that took care of her and her children unconditionally. Even if they could be overbearing, they all felt safe in the Carisi household.

With the weather deteriorating and the Rangers game on, Amanda and Sonny planned to stay over. Amanda took care of Jesse and Luca when it came time to put both of them to bed, leaving Sonny in the living room with his father. Jesse could barely keep her eyes open through her bath, she was so exhausted from an afternoon of playing in the snow. Luca was a little more challenging: at almost sixteen months old, he was impossibly stubborn and clung fiercely to Amanda. By the time she finally got him relaxed, she was ready to go to bed herself.

Padding downstairs, she got herself a glass of water in the kitchen. She had originally told Sonny and Dominick Sr. that she would watch the game with them, but now she just wanted to lie down. Over the rush of the faucet and the sound of the television, Amanda heard Dominick's voice mention her name.

"So, Amanda's pregnant again," Dominick said lightly.

"Uh huh," replied Sonny.

"What are you gonna do about that?" his father asked.

Filled cup in hand, Amanda's brow furrowed as she inched closer to the doorway to listen.

"What d'you mean?" She could hear the confusion in Sonny's voice.

"I mean, one of you has gotta start earnin' some real money here," Dominick explained.

"Amanda got promoted to Sergeant and the city gives us two raises a year, we're okay."

"I think you're seriously underestimatin' what it's like havin' three kids, Sonny. You just bought a house, you guys insist on goin' to Disney World this summer-"

"Jesse's wanted to go since she could talk. We wanted to do it before she's in school full-time."

"I get that, I do, but... you really gotta think long-term here."

"I do, dad. I think about it all the time."

"You always want your wife makin' more than you?"

Amanda cringed, fingers toying with her lower lip anxiously.

"What is this, 1950?" Sonny laughed in disbelief. "Amanda's been at SVU longer than me. She and our lieutenant have worked together for seven years. She's earned it."

"I'm definitely not disputin' that," Dominick assured him. "But, c'mon, Sonny. Three kids? This is serious now. Maybe it's time you start thinkin' about gettin' into law."

"The law I wanna do pays worse than what I make now," he retorted. "I don't wanna do real estate or tax attorney stuff for a buncha yuppies."

Dominick sighed. "Well, maybe this can't be about what you _want_ to do. It's about what you _have_ to do. So if you have to explore other options..."

"I've been through this already. I like bein' a cop," Sonny insisted, annoyance now evident in his tone.

"I'm tellin' you right now, Sonny: bein' a cop isn't gonna put three kids in good schools. "

"C'mon, dad. Why are you bein' such a hard ass about this right now?"

"Haven't I always taught you how important it is to take care of your family?"

"Of course you have-"

"So I'm just remindin' you now - as somebody who's already raised four kids - the reality of the situation."

"Can we just watch the game, please?" Sonny asked irritably, and Amanda skittered back up the stairs.

* * *

Curled beneath the covers, Amanda read a book of poems her yoga instructor had given her several months ago. _Milk and Honey_ was a collection of pieces about all different stages of love and relationships - family included - that she had been slowly working through whenever she got a moment to herself. Even though she was enjoying it, she had to fight to keep her eyes open beneath the warm blankets.

The door eventually creaked open and Sonny appeared.

"How was the game?" Amanda asked, struggling to sit up. She set her book aside.

"Total blowout. Rangers sucked." He sunk down on the edge of the bed next to her, angling his body toward hers. "I thought you were gonna watch it with us."

"Yeah... I just got kinda tired," she explained with a shrug.

He set a hand on the small swell of her stomach. "You feel okay?"

She smiled. "Yeah, I'm fine." She laid her palm atop his as she admitted, "I, uh, heard you and your dad talkin' a little."

"Oh?" Sonny remarked casually.

"He was bein' kinda hard on you."

"Yeah, well, you know he gets stuck on things and he still thinks it's 1952, so..."

Amanda squeezed the hand that sat on her abdomen. "Don't take it to heart, Sonny."

His eyes drifted from their hands to her face. He looked almost nauseous. "I mean, it got me thinkin'... you don't, y'know, think any of that stuff, do you?"

"Of course I don't," Amanda insisted, sitting up a little straighter and leaning in slightly. She gave him a small, sincere smile. "The life I live - _we_ live? It's better than anything I ever could have imagined. I mean, growin' up, some nights Kim and me... we didn't get to eat dinner. So if our biggest problem now is we both have jobs we love and can't put our kids in private school? I'm okay with that."

Sonny looked mildly disturbed. "Our kids are always gonna eat dinner."

She nodded. "I know that. I've never doubted that for a second. With you, I know that everybody is always gonna be taken care of..." She grinned as she added sweetly, "even Fluffy."


	6. Chapter 6

_if you let go / i'll float toward the sun / i'm stronger 'cause you fill me up_

* * *

Amanda sat on the edge of the exam table, fingers tapping anxiously at the sides as she waited for the ultrasound technician to appear. Sonny was in a chair beside her, eyes focused on his phone as he assessed his status in Words with Friends.

"How the hell is _Kim_ beatin' me in this game?" he lamented, squinting at the screen with an amusing sort of desperation.

Amanda smirked. "She's smarter than she looks."

Sonny sighed and shoved the phone back in his pocket, his arms crossing over his chest as he leaned back in his chair.

"You still think it's a girl?" Amanda asked him curiously.

"Yep," he told her with confidence.

"I still don't really know what I think," she admitted. "With Jesse and Luca, I had a really strong idea - even if I wasn't right." She waggled her eyebrows provocatively at her husband. "Wanna bet on it?"

"No, I do not. You're a shark," Sonny refused.

After a quick knock on the door, a female ultrasound technician appeared before Amanda could convince Sonny to make a wager.

"Hi! I'm Tara," the tech said brightly. "Dr. Miller sent me in to do your ultrasound. He'll be in when we're done. Ya ready?"

"Ready," she assured her with a nod.

Leaned back with the cold gel on her four-month-pregnant stomach, Amanda's eyes watched the screen of the machine. The blurry shape of a fetus appeared, its little profile distinct despite the fuzzy nature of the picture. Tara maneuvered the wand expertly until the steady sound of the baby's pulse filled the room. Hearing the heartbeat was a relief to Amanda; it was the first tangible indicator that her baby was healthy.

"Heartbeat's good..." Tara observed. "Do you wanna know the sex or is it gonna be a surprise?"

"We wanna know. She hates surprises," Sonny explained.

"Hmm, alright." She pressed and wriggled the probe, eyes on the screen. "Ah, there it is. It's always easier to tell when it's a boy."

"It's a boy?" Amanda exclaimed, genuinely surprised.

Tara nodded. "It is!"

"No way. We've got you outnumbered!" Sonny chuckled happily to Amanda, reaching over to squeeze her hand.

"Do you have a boy already?" Tara asked curiously as she began to clean Amanda up.

Grinning, Amanda nodded. "Yeah. A girl, too."

"Well, congratulations," Tara told them with a kind smile. She offered a hand to help Amanda sit up. "I'll go grab Dr. Miller for you."

"Thanks," she murmured, adjusting her t-shirt. With Tara gone, Amanda looked over at Sonny, who was smiling. "You were wrong."

He shrugged. "Ah, well. Had a fifty-fifty shot."

"Are you happy?" Amanda asked eagerly.

"'Course I am." He kissed the knuckles of the hand he was holding. "I woulda been happy no matter what."

She grinned again. "Me too."

There was another knock at the door before Dr. Miller let himself in and greeted the couple.

"Amanda, Sonny, how are you?" Dr. Miller asked cheerfully, shaking both of their hands as he dropped down onto the stool by the desk in the small exam room.

"Good," they answered in union.

Dr. Miller flipped through Amanda's chart, eyes scanning the pages. "Alright, blood pressure is good. I'd like to see you gain a little more weight..." He looked up at her pointedly. "And you know the drill: you'll be on bedrest for the last month. Longer if your blood pressure starts to do anything funny."

"Yeah, I know," she grumbled, tucking her hair behind her ears.

The physician closed her folder and set it aside. "How do you feel about the possibility of having a c-section?"

"I'd really prefer not to have one. I mean, bein' cut open is even worse than bein'... well, ripped open." Out of the corner of her eye, Amanda saw Sonny grimace.

"I understand. Well, I know Jesse gave you trouble, but Luca went smoothly. As long as no issues crop up, you should be alright." He sighed. "But you can't miss _any_ appointments, okay? Just like last time, I really wanna monitor you."

Amanda looked sheepish. "It's just, my job, I-"

"She'll be here," Sonny assured Dr. Miller firmly. "I'll make sure of it."

* * *

"How are you gonna decorate it?" Bella asked, standing seven months pregnant in the spare room of Amanda and Sonny's house.

"I have no idea," Amanda admitted with her hands on her hips. She looked around at the dusty space, which was only occupied by a pile of baby clothes Sonny's mother had bought a week ago - even after Amanda reminded her that she still had Luca's things to pass on. There was no arguing with Mrs. Carisi, though, so she had gratefully taken the cute new outfits and set them aside. "Nothing crazy. I might paint it gray and blue."

"Gray is _so_ in," Bella responded approvingly, snapping her gum. "What was in here before?"

"Before the other owners lived here it was an office, then the last couple made it into a nursery," she explained. "When we moved in, Sonny was keeping all of his law books and crap in here but I made him find a new place for all of it the other day."

"What happens if you have another kid?" Sonny's sister asked.

Amanda shook her head. "We compromised at three. Sonny would have ten but he doesn't have to give birth to them, so he doesn't get to decide."

"Mm, that's fair," Bella mused. "I always wanted four. Y'know, like the four of us. Then I had Angelina and realized how much work they are."

"I never wanted any," she admitted to her sister-in-law.

Bella's eyes opened wide, like she had never heard of such a thing. "Really?"

"Nah. I thought they were a pain in the ass."

"What changed?"

"I had Jesse, and she was a pain in the ass but I loved her so much I couldn't imagine a life without her. Then I had Luca and... same thing, really." She set a palm on her small stomach thoughtfully. "I never understood how great it was till they happened to me. You can't really tell from seeing other people's kids. They've gotta be like, a part of you to get it..."

Amanda heard heavy footsteps bounding up the stairs before Sonny appeared in the doorway, sweaty and flushed in gym clothes.

"What are you guys doin' in here?" he asked breathlessly.

"You smell _disgusting_ ," Bella observed, cringing.

"Hello to you to," Sonny answered her sarcastically. "I was just out playin' basketball."

"We're just talking about how to set up the room for the baby," Amanda explained to him.

"What's to set up?" he asked, wiping his forehead off with the back of his forearm. "Stick a crib in the middle of it and call it a day."

"I wanna put in a little more effort than that," she insisted. "This is the first time I've had the space to do something."

Sonny gave her a pointed look. "You mean _I'll_ be puttin' in the effort."

Amanda patted his cheek innocently. "You've always been so smart."

* * *

Amanda yawned at her desk. She blinked at the watch on her wrist; it was after nine o'clock at night. Sonny and Fin had left two hours ago, but Amanda still had work to do. She had finally closed a week-long case involving an eleven-year-old girl and her horseback riding instructor. The details had made her stomach turn, but it was the first time Liv had allowed her to lead an investigation as a sergeant. As competitive and eager-to-please as ever, Amanda hadn't taken the opportunity lightly. Each night that week, she had been the very last person to leave SVU, determined to solve her case. At home, she piled her files up by her laptop in the living room, sorting through notes and evidence when she was supposed to be crawling into bed. Like clockwork, Sonny lectured her: _you shouldn't bring this crap home, you're over-extending yourself, you always do this..._

Liv would ground her soon, because she was pregnant. Amanda understood Sonny's point - each and every damn time he brought it up - but she still wanted to do her job and do it well. It didn't help that in the past week, both Jesse and Luca had been especially difficult. Luca had a double ear infection, which meant he was cranky, clingy and barely slept. Jesse, on the other hand, was acting more like she was fifteen instead of five. She was stubborn, dramatic and too clever for her own good. _Jesse's turnin' into you,_ Sonny would groan - and he wasn't complimenting her.

"You're still here," Liv's voice observed.

Amanda looked up to see the lieutenant hovering over her desk, coat and purse in hand. She offered her a little smile. "Yep."

"Well, don't stay too late," Liv said with a pat on Amanda's shoulder before she began to walk away. "I'll see you in the morning."

She nodded, about to turn back to her computer, then had a thought. "Hey, Liv?" she called.

Liv stopped and turned around, looking at Amanda expectantly. "Yeah?"

"Can I ask you something?" Amanda said timidly.

The lieutenant nodded. "Sure."

She pulled in a deep breath. For a second, she wished she hadn't said anything, afraid that what she wanted to ask made her seem incapable or too sensitive. But recently she and Liv had been on good terms, occasionally bonding over their roles as mothers. Despite her stubborn pride, Amanda valued her superior's opinion. "You ever think, or... you ever feel like it's impossible to do this job and be a mom?"

Liv gave her a wan small as she approached Amanda's desk again. "All the time."

"It's not that I can't do it," Amanda insisted nervously. "It's just-"

"It's a lot sometimes," Liv concluded easily.

"Yeah. It's a lot," she agreed meekly. "Everybody needin' you all the time..."

"It's sort of... seductive though, isn't it? Knowing so many people count on you, that they think you're capable," Liv mused, toying with the framed photograph on Amanda's desk. "I think that's what gets us into trouble, that vicious cycle of enjoying being needed but taxed by it at the same time, over and over."

That was it. Even if it was exhausting, Amanda liked being the one others counted on because it made her feel special. The realization was humbling and even a little embarrassing, but at least Liv had been the one to verbalize it. She offered her lieutenant an appreciative grin. "Yeah. That makes sense."

"Why don't you head home? Paperwork can wait," Liv suggested.

She sighed, glancing over at her messy desk, hesitant.

Liv gave her a knowing smile before beginning to walk away again. "How about this: that's an order, Rollins."

* * *

On Sunday, Amanda woke up feeling like she hadn't gotten any sleep at all. She was nauseated and her muscles ached and it made her wonder if her busy week had somehow made her sick. Like they did on so many Sundays before, she and Sonny were supposed to go to his parents' house with Jesse and Luca for an early dinner. Amanda usually looked forward to it: his mother made something warm and decadent and after eating they all lazed around for hours watching television and talking. It was mindless, comforting, and she had grown to appreciate the importance of the occasional uneventful day.

Her stomach twisting at the mere thought of food, Amanda decided to send Sonny to his parents' house with the kids on his own. Ever the germaphobe, he had grilled her about her symptoms five times before he conceded to go without her.

"Y'sure you're okay?" Sonny asked her anxiously, again, as he shrugged his coat on.

"I'm okay, Sonny," Amanda insisted, crouched down as she zipped up Jesse's jacket. "It's just been a long week and I think I'm coming down with something."

"Alright," he sighed. He picked up Luca. "I'll text ya when we get there, okay?"

She nodded and smiled as she stood up straight. "Love you guys. Everybody be good."

"Bye, mama," Jesse called as she bounded toward the front door.

"Bye-bye!" Luca said from Sonny's arms, waving his little hand.

"Bye-bye," Amanda repeated. She leaned in to kiss Sonny.

"Ugh, now I'm contaminated," he scoffed, but he was smiling at her. "Love ya."

Once they were all gone, Amanda curled up on the couch beneath her favorite plush throw blanket, Frannie on one side and Fluffy the kitten on the other. She flipped through the television channels, eventually settling on a Lifetime movie about high school kids cheating on the SATs. It was hardly a cinematic masterpiece, but she was only looking for background noise as she absently scrolled through her phone. Lost in the world of e-mails, news sites and celebrity gossip, she took turns scratching behind Frannie's ears and stroking the kitten's soft little head.

"Hm, Fluffy, what are we gonna call you? You can't be Fluffy forever," Amanda sighed randomly, looking at the animal like she expected him to respond. "Although you've been Fluffy for four months now, maybe it's too late to change it..."

Fluffy batted at Frannie's floppy ear; the dog did nothing, seemingly unfazed. Frannie was most the most patient creature on earth, besides Sonny Carisi.

Nestling further beneath the blanket, Amanda's eyes drifted closed. She wasn't sure how long she slept for before she was awoken by a dull cramping sensation that radiated from her back to her abdomen. It was intermittent, but enough to make her nervous. Picking up her phone again, she went to text Sonny - then thought better of it. It was probably nothing and if she told him about it, he would most likely overreact and come rushing home all flustered. She decided to call the nurse line at her doctor's office instead, knowing that they could offer her the reassurance she needed to get back to her nap.

"Hi, this is Amanda Carisi," she greeted the female voice on the other line, phone cradled between her ear and shoulder.

"Amanda, hi. How can I help you?" the nurse replied.

"I'm a little... well, I'm four and a half months pregnant and I haven't been feeling great today and I've started to feel kind of cramp-y..." she explained.

"Are you bleeding?"

"No, no, I'm not. The cramps just started. I just feel... off. Tired, nauseous, warm... I think I'm coming down with something and I just wanna be sure that..."

"Y'wanna come in?" the nurse offered. "Dr. Miller's at the clinic at Bellevue. We'll do a quick check-up and make sure everything's okay."

"Yeah. Yeah, I'll do that," Amanda agreed.

"It'll give you some peace of mind," the nurse explained. "I'll let him know to expect you."

Pulling herself up off of the couch after hanging up, Amanda felt better already. After her experience giving birth to Jesse, she had needed near-constant reassurance with Luca. Now, she needed it with this baby, too. She tried to make herself look halfway presentable before leaving the house: she tied her hair up into a ponytail, put a bra on beneath her t-shirt and brushed her teeth. She layered a zip-up beneath her leather jacket, grabbed her purse, then headed out into the pleasant April afternoon.

At the Bellevue OB-GYN department, Amanda checked in at the front desk before taking a seat in the waiting room. As she sat, she felt her face growing warm. She pressed her palms against her cheeks, assessing the heat there curiously and silently cursing whatever illness she had contracted. She didn't have _time_ to be sick.

"Amanda?" a nurse called fifteen minutes later, waving her back into the office.

Amanda got up from her seat and almost lost her balance, the entire room shifting before her. She blinked a few times, caught off guard by the sudden bout of dizziness. A darkness began to creep in from the corners of her eyes before her entire field of vision went black, her muscles going slack as she collapsed to the floor.


	7. Chapter 7

_my bones are shifting in my skin / and you my love are gone_

* * *

Lately, Luca's favorite game was to build a tower of Legos up as high as possible and wait until it inevitably wobbled and crashed to the floor. Every time it happened, he howled with laughter and clapped his chubby hands until he started gathering the blocks up again. That Sunday afternoon, he played this game with the help of Sonny on the Carisi's living room floor. So far, the tower they were constructing was only ten blocks tall. _More!_ Luca kept demanding of his father, seemingly unimpressed with their progress each time Sonny clicked a Lego into place.

"Go 'head," Sonny prompted him after he finished his turn.

Luca, with as much caution as he could muster, set a blue Lego atop his father's red. "More!"

Sonny adjusted the block on the tower so it was aligned with the rest, then went to pick up another. He paused when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, but when he pulled the device out, he didn't recognize the number on the screen. He groaned, anticipating something work-related.

"More! More!" Luca kept chanting.

"Carisi," Sonny answered, balancing the phone against his shoulder so he could add a yellow Lego to the tower.

"Hi, is this Dominick?" an unfamiliar female voice asked.

"This is."

"Hi, my name is Holly, I'm calling from Bellevue OBGYN-"

"Oh, you probably want my wife's number-"

"No, no. I need to talk to you," Holly insisted. "Your wife is here."

Sonny's brow furrowed, confused. "Huh? It's Sunday. She doesn't have an appointment."

"I know," Holly said slowly. "She came in a couple of hours ago complaining of some fatigue and cramping. While she was waiting in our office she passed out-"

"Is she okay?" he demanded, his blood suddenly running cold in his veins.

"More, dada!" Luca whined, but Sonny ignored him.

Holly continued, "She's in surgery right now-"

"Surgery?" he exclaimed, jumping to his feet. "What are you talkin' about? What kind of surgery?"

"The doctor can explain more to you," Holly told him levelly. "He just asked me to call you and have you come here as soon as possible."

"I, okay, yeah. I'm comin' right now," Sonny stammered before hanging up and running into the kitchen. There, Jesse was making cookies with his mother. "Ma, I need you to watch the kids."

His mother raised an eyebrow. "Where are you running off to?"

He snatched up his coat and yanked open the door. "I've gotta go to the hospital."

"The hospital?" she said. "I thought you were off today?"

Sonny looked between Jesse and his mother. Jesse was standing on a stool at the counter, covered in pink and green frosting from decorating. She was enthusiastically tossing multicolored sprinkles onto her flower-shaped creations. He didn't want to worry the five-year-old, even if he was boiling over with anxiety himself. "Ma, I can't... I'll tell you later, okay? Luca's in the livin' room. Just stay here with the kids, would you?"

"Yeah, of course I will," his mother assured him.

He had a foot out of the door when he heard Jesse call, "Dad-"

"I'll be back soon," he promised her loudly, hoping it was true.

* * *

Sonny skidded into the OB-GYN department at Bellevue. Breathless with his haste and his nerves, he approached the young woman behind the front desk.

"Hi. I'm looking for my wife, Amanda. Amanda Carisi," he told her as pleasantly as possible.

She glanced up at him. "Are you her husband?"

"Yeah, I am," he asserted. "Where is she?"

Her eyes flickered to her computer screen and Sonny could have sworn he saw her mouth twitch into a split-second frown. She stood up. "Let me get Dr. Miller for you."

He crossed his arms over his chest, pacing while he waited. In his head, he tried to replay the hours before to get a clue as to what was going on: Amanda hadn't felt well that morning. The description of her symptoms had been sort of vague, but Sonny assumed that was because she was exhausted by his nagging.

"Sonny," Dr. Miller said, appearing in the waiting room. He waved him over. "Come have a seat in my office."

Sonny followed him, but he didn't sit down, not even when Dr. Miller took his place behind his large desk.

"Where's Amanda?" Sonny demanded, trying his hardest to keep the anxiety out of his voice.

He watched Dr. Miller pull in a breath. "Amanda came in with some fatigue and mild cramping. Before I got to see her, her blood pressure plummeted."

"That's happened to her before."

"I know, but, this time she started hemorrhaging."

His eyes widened. "Hemorrhaging? What? I just left her three hours ago, she was fine-"

"We rushed her into surgery and I'm told that they just finished," Dr. Miller continued gently. "She needed over a liter of blood. She's okay, but..." He sighed, looking down at his folded hands before meeting Sonny's gaze. "There's no easy way to tell you this. She had a miscarriage."

Sonny felt his heart drop into his stomach. He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head, like maybe he had misheard, or maybe he wasn't actually in that office at all. "No. No, that's not possible. We were _just_ here... three weeks ago and everything was fine-"

"The baby didn't have a heartbeat when she got here, Sonny," Dr. Miller told him grimly.

He blinked the physician back into focus on again. He opened his mouth to speak, then shut it, his throat too tight to say anything.

"We had to do a procedure called a dilation and curettage to stop the bleeding," the doctor continued. "Amanda is just coming out of anesthesia now and she's on pain medication, so she's a little out of it."

"Does she know?" Sonny asked bluntly, his voice low and foreign to his own ears.

Dr. Miller shook his head. "No, not yet. It all happened very quickly. I was planning to go in and talk to her now."

"Wait. Just... let me do it. Let me tell her," he requested quietly.

"Alright... she's in recovery room five on the third floor. I'll come up in a little while and check in," Dr. Miller agreed. He frowned as he added solemnly, "I'm really sorry, Sonny."

"Yeah. Thanks." The words sounded angrier than he had intended them to but he didn't apologize for his tone.

He moved through the hospital mindlessly; he had been there so many times for work, he probably could have drawn a detailed map of the place. On the third floor, he walked down the hall with nauseating apprehension. Sonny breezed past the nursing station and slipped through the door to room five to find Amanda in bed. She looked paler than usual, but not much different than how she appeared when he had left her at home earlier. He felt a rush of relief, immensely grateful that she was alive, but that did not quell the growing pit in his stomach. As Sonny approached her, she blinked at him in confusion for a minute before her glassy blue eyes widened.

"Baby," Amanda drawled, reaching out for him. "What are you doin' here?" She struggled to sit up straighter. "What am... what am _I_ doin' here?"

Sonny mustered a small smile. She always sounded her most southern when she was intoxicated or angry - he just wished she was either of those things outside of this situation. He sat on the edge of her bed, as close to her as possible, and set a hand atop her blanket-clad thigh. "You don't remember anything?"

She squinted, very obviously trying to think through her haze. "I remember feeling kinda funny and coming in. I got really dizzy. Don't be pissed, I just wanted to be sure everything was okay and I didn't wanna worry you." Her lower lip puffed out slightly in her disorientation. "Everything is okay, isn't it?"

He was having trouble looking her in the eye. Maybe Dr. Miller should have done this himself, in his clinical, well-practiced way. Sonny tried to remember what he learned at the police academy so many years go: _when you're giving difficult news to somebody, intellectualize it. You're stating facts, not feelings._ But he had never been good at that, he had always been the person with the lump in his throat or the hitch in his voice. He had always felt too much. Now, it was impossible not to be consumed by both grief and dread. There was not a stoic bone left in his body.

"No, Amanda," he began quietly. "You passed out in the waiting room. Something happened, you lost a lot of blood and they had to bring you into surgery and..." He pulled in a deep, steadying breath before adding almost inaudibly, "the baby. The baby didn't make it."

Amanda studied him as if he had sprouted an extra head. "What?"

 _Oh, God, don't make me say it again,_ he pleaded with her silently. "You had a miscarriage-"

"No, everything was fine," she interrupted, suddenly animated and fierce. "You were with me three weeks ago, everything was good-"

"I know, Amanda," Sonny told her weakly. "It was, but... but somethin' happened. Dr. Miller is gonna come up later..."

Wild-eyed and chest heaving, she looked at him. Selfishly, he wanted to avert his gaze because it was painful to watch the devastating realization wash over Amanda's features. It was like witnessing her crumble into a million trembling pieces. As seconds passed, she looked like she was struggling for air.

He reached up for her hand and squeezed it hard, hoping to ground her. "Hey, take a deep breath, you're-"

"I-I don't feel good," she stammered breathlessly, wriggling beneath his grasp. "I'm gonna be sick. I'm gonna be sick." She suddenly leaned over and vomited into the trash can by her bed; it was only bile.

Sonny winced, his heart clenching in his chest at the sight of her suffering. "Let me get the doctor, okay?" he said quietly, getting up from her side to walk quickly out of her room.

It was a perfectly-timed yet cowardly excuse to step out into the hallway. There was so much pain in that small space that Sonny suddenly felt as if he was being suffocated. He swallowed thickly, staving off the tears that were burning his eyes, then strode over to the nurses' station to do what he said he would.

* * *

 _"Second trimester miscarriages are very rare,"_ Dr. Miller had told her, as if that was something to be impressed by. _"But the good news is this doesn't mean you'll have trouble conceiving again in the near future, and your risk of another miscarriage is much lower."_

It hadn't felt like good news; it hadn't felt like anything. In fact, if she hadn't been trapped in that hospital bed until eight o'clock that night, Amanda probably wouldn't have known that anything had happened to her at all. She had been a little sore and woozy, but aside from some slight bleeding, there was no evidence that the life that had grown inside of her for four and a half months no longer existed.

Everything was blurry. Sonny had driven them home in silence that evening. He clearly hadn't known what to say to her, but Amanda hadn't known what to say to him, either.

"Y'want something to eat?" he had offered her timidly once they were back. The default Carisi response to any situation.

Amanda had refused. Instead, she promptly took two of the sleeping pills she had left the hospital with and fell into a dreamless slumber.

Curled beneath the sheets of their messy bed the next morning, she stared into space for an hour. She could hear Sonny watching television downstairs; their walls were thin. She had called out of work, feigning illness, while Sonny wasn't scheduled till the evening shift. The doctor had advised her to stay home for the next few days and Amanda was debating what was worse: to go into the precinct no longer pregnant or to hide out at home plagued by her own miserable thoughts. In her head, Amanda looked back at the past four and a half months, trying to pinpoint what she had done wrong. _We'll send the tissue out for testing to see if this can be explained,_ Dr. Miller had told her. If she hadn't been so exhausted, she would have screamed, _that isn't_ tissue _, that's my son!_

Sitting up, Amanda got out of bed. She felt a little light-headed, most likely from whatever she had taken the night before. She didn't bother looking at herself in the mirror, certain she would cringe at her reflection. She began to pad down the hallway with the intention of going downstairs, but she paused outside of the spare room like her feet had suddenly gotten trapped in wet cement. The door ajar, she felt her fingertips pushing it all the way open. The space was still empty save for the messy pile of baby clothes from Sonny's mother and a can of unopened gray paint in the shade 'reflecting pool,' both sitting on the wood floor.

She walked further into the room as if her legs were working on their own accord, then carefully shut the door behind her. Amanda lowered herself down against a wall and reached for the clothes. She hadn't washed them yet - she figured she had plenty of time to do that - but they were soft to the touch. A little green dinosaur on the front of a white onesie grinned up at her and she smoothed her hand over it before she folded it neatly. She set it down at her side. Amanda didn't know why, but she felt compelled to do that with all of them, and soon she had an orderly stack of clothing that nobody needed.

Her eyes settled on the near-by can of paint. 'Reflecting pool' was such a stupid name; it was just light gray. Even so, Sonny had opened it up a few days earlier to make sure that she liked the very particular shade. Amanda did and he remained impartial, only concerned about whether or not it made her happy. It had - in her past apartments, she hadn't been allowed to paint Jesse's room and Luca had never even had his own space. Now she had the opportunity to make something special out of the dusty old office.

A hot rush of anger coursed through her. With surprising strength, Amanda kicked out a leg so her heel could send the paint flying across the hardwood until it hit the opposite wall with a loud 'crack.' The re-sealed top popped open, 'reflecting pool' slowly seeping out to stain the molding and floor. Her foot throbbed immediately, tears springing to her eyes as she pulled her knees to her chest. Through her blurred vision, Amanda watched the paint continue to ooze from its container, uncaring.

The door swung open suddenly and Sonny appeared panicked in the doorway. He had heard the noise from all the way downstairs. "What the hell was-" His gaze dropped to the mess on the floor by his feet. "Oh." He looked at Amanda again, concern etched deeply into his features. "What happened?"

Her arms tightened around her knees. "I kicked it."

"Why?" he asked tentatively.

It felt like too much of an effort to answer.

Sonny moved toward her cautiously. "Let's get out of here, huh?" he suggested gently, reaching out his hand to her "C'mon."

"I like it in here," Amanda told him.

His brows knitted together. "Why?"

She rested her chin on top of her knees. "Because in here, everything's the same. It's just how I left it."

He looked uncomfortable, anxious. "Well, I don't wanna be in here."

There was an obvious edge to his voice; he was hurting. She didn't say anything.

"Amanda..." he sighed. "D'you wanna talk?"

She shook her head. _I don't know how to talk about this._

"Maybe I should tell Liv that I can't come in tonight," Sonny continued. "My parents'll keep the kids till tomorrow, we can just hang around..."

Amanda shook her head again. "No, it's alright. I'm fine." She pulled herself to her feet and brushed past him, her hand giving his bicep a squeeze as she walked out the door. "I'm gonna go get something to clean this mess up."

* * *

 **AN:** Ahhh sorry, I know I'm the worst! But at least I got these chapters out to you quick! ;-)


	8. Chapter 8

_dear heaven / I hope you're up to something / 'cause dear heaven / this just can't be for nothing_

* * *

"Mama?"

Amanda rolled over atop her bed on Wednesday afternoon. April sunlight poured through the crack in the curtains, but otherwise the room was dim as she stayed huddled beneath a throw blanket. She squinted through her disheveled bangs to see Jesse with her arms full.

"The mailman came," the five-year-old announced.

"Yeah?" she answered her groggily. She didn't even know what time it was.

Jesse approached the bed and dropped her armful of envelopes and magazines, climbing up onto the mattress after them. "Here."

"Oh. Thanks," Amanda mumbled.

"Mama?"

"Hm?"

"D'you want me to rub your back?"

"Huh?"

"Rub your back," she repeated timidly. "Like you rub my back when I'm sick."

Amanda couldn't decide if she felt like smiling or crying. She attempted the former. "That's nice of you to offer, baby." She shifted to sit up against her pillow. "Y'wanna lay down with me?"

"Okay," Jesse agreed.

"Hand me all that stuff, too," she added, reaching for the mail. She might as well do one productive thing that day.

Jesse gathered up the letters and set them on her mother's lap before settling her head against Amanda's chest. She wrapped an arm around the little girl, the hand there toying with Jesse's long hair absently. The addition of her daughter's warm weight was reassuring. With her free fingers, Amanda started shuffling through the mail.

"Are you sick?" Jesse asked.

Amanda's hands paused. "No. I'm okay."

"Are you sad?" she tried.

"I'm a little sad," Amanda admitted cautiously.

Jesse squirmed. "Because the baby's in heaven?"

Her brow furrowed as her heart squeezed in her chest. "Who told you that?"

"Dad," she answered easily.

She nodded, relieved that Sonny had said something so she didn't have to broach the subject on her own.

"Who's gonna look after him?" Jesse wondered.

"What do you mean?" she asked her daughter.

"In heaven," the five-year-old clarified. "Who's gonna take care of him?"

Amanda swallowed over the lump forming in her throat. "I'm sure that... I'm sure there's a bunch of angels around who'll do a real good job." When the words left her mouth, for a brief second, Amanda understood why Sonny found faith so comforting. To believe in God was to know that he was taking care of things behind the scenes, even as you suffered on earth.

Her reply seemed to satisfy Jesse's curiosity, at least for the moment. Amanda was glad, because she didn't want to cry in front of her, and she could feel tears welling up in her eyes as she was struck by Jesse's innocence. While she may have had the attitude of a teenager on occasion, she was still so young, still so blissfully clueless. None of this made sense to Jesse, but in a very different way.

With a sigh, Amanda looked at the remaining mail in her lap. She opened up the next envelope with Bellevue listed as the return address, cringing as she anticipated a massive bill. Instead, Amanda found a single sheet of paper inside titled _Bellevue Pathology_ _._ Her eyes anxiously scanned the laboratory report for anything she would understand.

 _MOTHER: Amanda Rollins Carisi_

 _Age at the time of this delivery: 37 years old_

 _FATHER: Dominick Carisi Jr._

 _Age at the time of this delivery: 37 years old_

 _CONCLUSIONS:_

 _Length of pregnancy: 15 completed weeks_

 _Fetus died: x before labor _ during labor/delivery _ unknown_

 _Time of death: Intrauterine death at approx. 13 weeks_

 _Main disease/condition of fetus: Inconclusive_

 _Main disease/condition of mother affecting fetus: None_

 _Other relevant circumstances: None_

Thirteen weeks.

 _Thirteen weeks._

Amanda felt her stomach turn, nauseated by the knowledge that somehow, she hadn't known that the child inside of her had died fourteen days prior to her miscarriage. Had he been in distress? Could she have done something to prevent such a horrible outcome? A heavy combination of guilty and anxiety pressed against her chest making her breaths painful. At least if he had been too sick to live outside of the womb, Amanda would have had some kind of peace. Now, she just felt culpable and incompetent. Mothers just _sensed_ these things, didn't they? Like how she had simply known she was pregnant without any of the classic signs; it had been an indescribable feeling of certainty. How could her instincts have ultimately failed her so terribly?

She thought of Sonny, who was a bystander to this tragedy but no less impacted by it. They hadn't talked much over the past few days; whenever he went quiet, that's how Amanda knew he was hurting. Now she felt responsible for his pain, which only made the ache inside of her more crippling. Looking down at the pathology report, she chewed her lower lip to suppress a moan. How would she ever be able to tell him that this was her fault?

* * *

She couldn't spend another second in bed. Desperate for a distraction, Amanda set herself up on a bar stool at their kitchen island with her laptop. When Sonny came home from work, she was there, pounding away at the keyboard, throwing herself back into her job as if her world hadn't been turned upside down just three short days ago. There were always e-mails to read and paperwork to be done - especially since she hadn't been into the precinct since last Friday. As a sergeant, she had other people's work to review, too. It was a convenient excuse to compartmentalize the terrible discovery she had made that afternoon - she could overwhelm herself with SVU-related tasks until she was too tired to think of anything else.

"I texted Liv. I'm going in tomorrow," Amanda told Sonny, eyes still focused on her screen. She could feel him hovering.

Sonny sighed. "Amanda, I really don't think you should."

She looked up from her laptop. "Why not? I'm fine."

"The doctor said-"

"I know what the doctor said, Sonny," she interrupted him briskly. "I have a lot of work to do that's just been sittin' on my desk..."

"The work can wait," he insisted, sounding exasperated.

Amanda snorted. "For who? I'm just gonna have to do it all later, on top of whatever else piles up."

"It doesn't matter, it's not that important."

"It _is_ important! It's my job and I care about it."

"You always do this. When are you gonna learn to slow down?" he demanded, now visibly irate. "You always push yourself too hard and..."

There it was: the tiniest implication that maybe Sonny thought this was her fault, too. In her current state of distress, she didn't need much fuel to ignite her fire. "And _what_ , Sonny?" She slammed the top of her computer shut and got to her feet. Icy blue eyes narrow, she glared up at him. Sonny was five inches taller than she was, his lanky frame looming over hers, but in that moment he couldn't have appeared less threatening. "Go on, just say it. You think it's my fault we lost the baby, don't you?"

His mouth fell open. "Amanda, I never said that."

"You're thinking it though," she snapped. "You've barely spoken to me in three days."

"You won't talk to me!" he exclaimed.

"Well, what do you want me to say?" she cried. "I don't know what to say!"

"You could at least try," Sonny asserted. "You aren't the only one impacted by this, you know!"

She began to stalk into the living room, desperate for space - but not necessarily wanting to be left alone, either. There was that feeling again: the crushing guilt weighing on her heart and lungs. "Oh, I'm so sorry. I forgot _you_ were the one who was unknowingly carrying our dead son around for two weeks. I've been _so_ insensitive," she sneered, because it was too much to keep inside anymore. There was venom in her tone, her words biting and harsh, but it wasn't Sonny she was angry at.

"Wait, what?" Sonny sputtered, right at her heels.

Amanda whirled around. "I got the pathology report in the mail. It says that they think he died two weeks ago. They don't know why, but it was only a matter of time."

The color drained from his face. "How? Didn't you-"

"I don't know!" she attempted to shout, but instead her cry came out hoarse and strangled. "I have no idea! You think this was some big secret I was keeping from you, like I knew all along?"

He took a long stride toward her and grabbed her upper arms with each of his hands, as if he was afraid she might run away. "No, Amanda, of course I don't," he said steadily. His eyes were big and sad. "But I'm not in your head and I'm not in your body and I am tryin' _really_ hard to understand all this, okay?" She went to yank her arms away, but he held her tighter, fighting for eye contact. "Hey, look at me."

She clenched her jaw as she studied the wall behind him, trying to keep her mouth from quivering with impending tears. _I'm so sorry that I did this to you, to us. I'll never fucking forgive myself,_ was what she meant to say.

"I know this isn't your fault," Sonny told her firmly. "This is _not_ your fault."

Swallowing thickly, she chewed the inside of her cheek. He said the words with enough confidence that Amanda felt the tiniest bit of relief; it grounded her just barely. She took a trembling set of fingers and hastily wiped away the hint of tears beneath her sore eyes. "I just feel so... so betrayed. Betrayed by my own body. I-I... how couldn't I know that something was wrong?" she sunk down on to the couch as she scraped tremulous fingers through her messy hair. "If I had maybe, maybe I could have done something and we wouldn't be here and..."

Sonny sat down close beside her. "Don't do this to yourself. Don't take responsibility for something even doctors aren't sure of," he urged her quietly.

She looked over at him and whispered, "but he was a part of me. I knew he was from the start, even before I should have. How could I not know this?"

He bowed his head in silence; of course he couldn't answer her question. Nobody could.

"I know that you're disappointed," she continued softly. "I didn't want to talk to you about it because, because I was too afraid you'd blame me... or that you'd ask me questions I couldn't answer, or..."

"I don't blame you. I haven't for a second," Sonny insisted. "That would never even cross my mind and I hate that it would cross yours."

Amanda chewed at her thumb nail as she tried to accept what he was saying without argument. "What's... how do you feel?" she asked him timidly, voice barely audible.

"I dunno," he said quietly as he leaned forward to rest elbows on his knees. "It's... it's, I don't know what it is." He studied his entwined hands intently, thinking. "I guess that it's grief that I feel. Somebody died, somebody I loved already, even though I hadn't even met him."

Her chest tightened. "Hollow."

Sonny looked over at her expectantly.

"That's what it feels like," she clarified. "An emptiness you can't really describe."

"Yeah." He nodded. "That's it."

"How am I supposed to tell people?" Amanda croaked helplessly. "Your parents... mine... everybody at work..."

Sonny sat up straight again and turned toward her. He rested a hand on Amanda's lower back and another on her knee. "I think it's gonna be hard."

His honesty was appreciated but still painful: _I think it's gonna be hard._ She nodded slowly. "I think so, too."

"But... it's gonna pass, like everything does," he continued quietly, giving her knee a squeeze. "We'll get through it together."

Amanda nodded again. She covered his hand with her own and hung on.

* * *

On Thursday morning, Sonny arrived at the 16th precinct before anyone else - Amanda included. He had told her that he was going to the gym, which he had done, but he hadn't been totally honest about the rest of his plan. He knew that Liv was always in early and he wanted to talk to her without an audience. After he dropped his things off at his desk, he approached the lieutenant's office, her door ajar.

"Hey, Lieu, can I talk to you?" he asked, nudging the door open a bit further.

"Sure," she replied easily from her spot behind her desk. She pulled off her reading glasses. "You're here early."

"Yeah, I know." He sunk down into the chair in front of her.

"Is Amanda here, too?" Liv asked curiously.

"No. She's, well, that's what I came in to talk to you about," he explained.

Liv gave him a pointed look. "If she sent you in to plead her case for putting her back in the field while she's pregnant-"

"No, it's not that," Sonny interrupted.

"Oh. Okay. She usually likes to do that herself anyway," she said with a little smirk. "Is she feeling better? I know something is going around."

"She wasn't sick," he admitted. "That's why I wanted to talk to you."

"What was she, then?" A look of nervous dread passed over the lieutenant's face. "Please don't say 'gambling.'"

"No. She, uh, well, this past Sunday, things kinda... took a turn," he started out awkwardly. "She had a miscarriage."

Liv's gaze widened. "What?"

"Yeah. I know she's comin' in today, she insisted. I tried to talk her out of it but she's not havin' it." He met Liv's gaze. "Don't tell her I told you this or anything, it's just... she's kinda worried about people askin' stuff and treatin' her different. Fin knows, but nobody else does."

"Carisi, I... I am so sorry," Liv said quietly, her brown eyes shining. "How are you holding up?"

"I'm okay," he answered with a shrug, not interested in elaborating on his own feelings at the moment. "Amanda's feelin' guilty even though there's nothing she could have done. But, you know her, she doesn't talk to anybody. I didn't think she'd come to you on her own and I didn't want it to come up and she'd be caught off guard and-"

"Understood," Liv told him firmly.

Sonny stood up, satisfied. "Thanks, Lieutenant," he said gratefully. "I appreciate it."

He slipped out of the office before the conversation could go any further.

* * *

A bagel wrapped in parchment paper and two small, white containers dropped onto her desk in front of Amanda. She looked up curiously to see Fin hovering beside her.

"Got you a bagel," he stated bluntly.

She quirked an eyebrow. "Cinnamon raisin?"

Fin nodded. "With extra cream cheese."

"My favorite," Amanda said with a little grin.

He walked over to his desk and sunk down into his chair. "I know."

"Thanks," she told him quietly.

"Uh huh," Fin responded casually.

This was more than breakfast - this was Fin's _I'm sorry this shit happened to you_ gesture. Amanda had always appreciated the way her partner knew just what she needed: she didn't want to talk about her miscarriage at work, but his small act of thoughtfulness assured her that she was on his mind regardless. Looking up from the bagel, she saw Fin poking lazily at his keyboard - exactly how he started every other morning. He wasn't gazing over at her with sad, sympathetic eyes or trying to take paperwork off of her desk to lighten her load - he was normal even if Amanda wasn't.

She glanced over at Sonny, who was stirring his coffee quietly at his desk. He looked up just in time to catch her staring and offered her a wan but encouraging smile.

Sitting between the two men she trusted the most, Amanda felt some semblance of peace.


	9. Chapter 9

_if we're strong enough / to let it in / we're strong enough / to let it go_

* * *

 **April 15th, one year earlier.**

"I'm _starvin'_!" were the first words out of Amanda's mouth once she and her new husband were alone.

It was three in the morning when the newlyweds stumbled out of their post-reception celebration and up to their seventh-floor hotel room at Lotte New York. Amanda was flushed pink and happy, drunk from hours of cocktails and champagne toasts. Sonny was, too, loud and clumsy behind her as she let them into their suite.

"Me too. I barely ate." Sonny took off his gray jacket and dropped it onto the floor, then tugged at his tie and tossed that aside, too. With uncoordinated fingers, he struggled to undo the first few buttons of his shirt beneath his vest.

She kicked off her heels, her aching feet instantly grateful for the plush carpet. "Me too." Amanda hitched up the delicate, silky fabric of her expensive wedding dress to crawl across the massive bed like an eager little kid. Her manicured fingers snatched up the leather-bound room service book on the nightstand. Flopping onto her back, she held it above her, the small font blurring before eventually shifting into focus. "They have pizza!" she exclaimed gleefully.

Sonny was yanking open the balcony door, distracted. He hadn't been up to the room yet, but she had spent last night there with Kim. "I want french fries," he announced, out of her line of sight as he presumably investigated the view.

Squinting, she pulled the menu closer. "They have those, too!" she slurred enthusiastically before accidentally dropping the book onto her face. "Ow," she squeaked as she fumbled to pick it up again.

"Call 'em!" he called from outside. "Do the have any cookies? Man, I could really use a cookie."

Amanda rolled over onto her stomach. A few hours ago, before all the booze had kicked in, she was anxious about the state of her dress, hair and make-up. Now, alone with Sonny - and very much married to him - she couldn't have cared less about her appearance. She reached an arm out and picked up the phone before she pressed the the button for room service. She rested one cheek atop her folded forearm as her other hand held the receiver to her ear. Someone picked up after the second ring. "Um, hi. I'm, well, my name's Amanda - oof, hey!" Sonny had taken a running leap and belly-flopped on top of her, his lanky frame practically smothering her own. Through her breathless giggling, she continued, "and my _husband_ and I are hungry and, uh, can we order something?"

"Sure, ma'am," the kind female voice on the other line responded. "We serve till six in the morning."

"Oh, good! I'm so hungry..." Amanda felt Sonny shift a little of his weight off of her, but only to allow a palm to rove over a thigh and her ass - _this is so soft!_ he observed loudly, despite her very obviously being on the phone - "...we just got married and there was a lotta food but I only had like, two bites, y'know?"

"Congratulations," the stranger chirped. "Yeah, I know how it goes. You get so distracted by having a good time that you forget to eat dinner."

"Yeah! Thanks! Aw, you're so sweet," Amanda gushed, in the type of blissfully intoxicated state that meant she found every kind person especially wonderful - and every asshole deserving of her wrath. Thankfully, she had only encountered the former that night. "I'm so glad I'm talkin' to you. What's your name?"

"Amy," the woman replied.

"Hi, Amy," she drawled.

"So... you want to order something?" Amy prompted.

"Oh yeah! Um, what do I want? What do I want..." she mused. She felt Sonny roll completely off of her. "I want a pizza. Pepperoni pizza. And an order of french fries. And a cookie. D'you have cookies?"

"We do," Amy answered easily. "Anything else?"

"No, that's it."

"I'll have it sent right up."

"Thank you so much. I, uh, don't know what room we're in," Amanda admitted.

"705, ma'am," Amy reminded her.

"Sure," she agreed amicably. "Thanks!"

After she hung up, she hauled herself into a sitting position. She started pulling bobby pins out of her hair, which had been in a perfectly-undone, half-up style thanks to the talents of one of Amanda's oldest friends. After so many hours, it was finally starting to give her a headache. Blindly, she began to yank the pins away from her scalp, then tossed each one aside haphazardly.

"How many thingies are in there?" Sonny asked curiously, sitting up next to her.

"I dunno, but... I can feel them... stabbin' me..." she grumbled, nose scrunched with her frustration.

"I'll get them," he offered eagerly. "Y'know, how monkeys are always pickin' at one another, helpin' each other out and shit? Like that."

She dropped her hands down into her lap and acquiesced. He was just as drunk as she was - if not more so - so she was skeptical about his fine motor skills. "Ow, shit!" she yelped almost immediately when he pulled at her hair instead of a bobby pin. She swatted his fingers away and tried again on her own. "A monkey could do this better than you."

"Well, a monkey probably didn't have... a lotta drinks," Sonny retorted with a smirk.

Feeling her head, Amanda ran her fingers through the wavy blonde strands, assessing. "I think they're all out." She shook her head side to side to loosen any that may have been hiding, and when she stopped, the room spun. "Much better," she hiccuped.

Through half-lidded eyes, Sonny looked at her wearing a dopey grin. He was rumpled and flushed, a lock of hair free from the otherwise neat style and hanging over his forehead. The festivities had taken their toll on his attire, but to Amanda, he was no less handsome now than when he had been waiting for her at the altar. In fact, she thought she preferred him this way. "Y'have fun?" he asked her.

She nodded, matching his smile. "'Course I did." She leaned in until her mouth encountered his in a kiss. "But I'm _so hungry_ ," she added in a moan.

Amanda felt the rumble of his laughter in the sloppy kisses that followed.

When there was a knock on the door, both of their eyes widened in excitement. Sonny clambered to answer it, and the moment the concierge left, they pulled the food onto the bed. Their legs bent beneath them, they sat atop the mattress and began tearing open containers anxiously. For a few minutes, they were silent as they shamelessly dove into everything they had ordered.

"Are we gonna have sex? I think we're supposed to," Amanda asked curiously, mouth full of greasy french fries. She licked ketchup off of her thumb.

Sonny snorted as he watched her and waggled his eyebrows. "I mean, lookin' at this, I'm pretty turned on..."

She burst out laughing, flopping back onto the mattress with the force of her amusement. When she collected herself, she sighed dreamily. Lolling her head to one side, she smiled at Sonny. "You're my best friend."

He popped a fry into his mouth. "You're _my_ best friend," he told her thickly.

"No matter what?" she asked.

Sonny nodded. "No matter what, Rollins."

* * *

On the fifteenth of April, Amanda woke up slow. Blinking her eyes open, she saw that Sonny's side of the bed was empty, the covers rumpled in his wake. The alarm clock on his bedside table read nine a.m. - it was Sunday, but it was still the latest Amanda had slept in a very long time. Lazily, she flopped over to her other side. Her groggy gaze settled on her own nightstand, where she found a large bouquet of sunflowers and daisies - her two favorite flowers. Pulling herself up to sitting, Amanda leaned in to smell them, a grin tugging at her lips. She touched careful, curious fingertips to the soft petals of a sunflower.

It was she and Sonny's first wedding anniversary. They had agreed not to do anything or buy one another gifts given their massive investment in their house, but Amanda wasn't surprised that Sonny couldn't help but do something for her anyway. Still smiling, she got out of bed and shrugged on an old gray zip-up. She hugged the familiar fabric around her body as she walked downstairs, Fluffy right at her heels. She found Sonny in the kitchen by the stove, where he was gently prodding scrambled eggs in a frying pan. Luca was in his high chair eating pieces of what appeared to be a cut-up waffle.

"Mama!" the baby chirped when he spotted her, fist full of his breakfast.

"Hi," Amanda greeted Luca in the special voice she reserved only for him.

Sonny turned around and gave her the kind of grin that she first fell in love with - the sort that let her know that he was genuinely pleased to see her. To this day, Amanda had never met another person who could warm her up so instantaneously without a word. Her bare feet carried her to the stove before she stood up her toes, pressed a palm into his chest and kissed him. "Happy anniversary," she murmured. It was a special Sunday in the wake of a tragic one, but she didn't want the day to be clouded with sadness.

"Happy anniversary," Sonny repeated.

Pulling away slightly, she toyed with his t-shirt. "Thank you for the flowers."

"You're welcome." He held up the spatula in his other hand. "Y'want some eggs?"

"Sure." She slipped past him to move toward the coffee pot. "Where's Jesse?"

"She's in the livin' room playin' something on the iPad," Sonny explained, turning back to the stove.

Amanda filled her mug, now both Fluffy and Frannie at her feet, looking for attention. She crouched down to pet them each, one at a time.

"So, don't get mad..." Sonny continued.

"Don't start a sentence that way," she grumbled, straightening up again.

He kept his back to her, busy with the eggs. "...I know we agreed not to do anything today..."

" _Sonny_ ," she warned.

"No, it's nothing, really," he insisted quickly, glancing briefly over his shoulder at her. "I just thought... it's a nice day out, we could go down to the Botanical Gardens."

Amanda smiled over the rim of her cup at the sweetness of his suggestion. She peered into the living room. "I don't think that's gonna hold Jesse's attention for long..."

"I already thought of that," Sonny told her easily, turning around to look at her. "Audrey's gonna swing by."

She raised her eyebrows. "So, what you're tellin' me is, is that you already made up both of our minds?"

"Kinda." He offered her a charming grin and a full plate. "Here, have some eggs."

* * *

While other women may have spent all day getting ready for a big date to celebrate their first wedding anniversary, Amanda looked ordinary that afternoon. In jeans, sneakers and a teal plaid shirt, she ran a comb through her straight hair and rolled clear gloss over her lips. Given the mild weather, she wore a leather jacket - only to come downstairs to find Sonny wearing his, too, over a black henley. That made her smile; somebody once told her that old, married couples eventually started to look like one another.

The Botanical Gardens were just as beautiful as they had been a year ago: dogwood trees bloomed bright pink and green and shaded new daffodils, while waterlilies floated atop the ponds. They walked hand-in-hand down a path flanked with azalea bushes, quiet for awhile, but it wasn't uncomfortable. It was enough to simply be with one another.

"I can't believe I didn't know about this place before you," Amanda finally said.

"You didn't?" Sonny replied.

"No. I only found it on some wedding website that I will never again admit to going to," she explained with a smirk.

"You lived in New York for like, four years before you met me. How'd you never know about it?"

"I was... preoccupied."

He grunted.

"I'd rather it this way, though," Amanda concluded, glancing over at him. "Y'know, 'cause now it makes me think of us getting married."

"I like that, too," Sonny agreed.

She squeezed his hand. "This was a good idea."

He gave her a wan smile. "I thought it'd be good to get outta the house."

She nodded in agreement and bowed her head thoughtfully, watching her feet keeping a leisurely pace with her husband's. "Y'know, I've been thinkin'..."

"'Bout what?" Sonny asked her curiously.

With her free fingers, she tugged at her lower lip. "The baby."

He didn't say anything.

"I feel guilty saying this. It's just..." Amanda had practiced verbalizing her nagging thought aloud, but now it just felt jumbled and trapped in her throat. She glanced over at Sonny again, who appeared to be waiting patiently for her to finish her sentence. In the past there had been so many times when expressing her inner most feelings to him - to _anybody_ \- would have been the last thing Amanda wanted to do. It had taken years, but now she trusted Sonny with everything, even the ugly, uncomfortable stuff from the darkest corners of her mind. "I'm not, it's not that I'm looking to replace him, but... I do wanna have another one."

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Sonny nod. "I know you do."

"Do you?" she asked him meekly, almost afraid to look at him.

"Yeah," he told her quickly, then added with a little more restraint, "of course I do. It's just, for the past couple of weeks I've been tryin' to... give you space. I didn't want to bring it up and upset you. I know how hard this has been for you."

They hadn't talked about what they would do next. In the days immediately following her miscarriage, Amanda couldn't, and she had come to realize that Sonny couldn't, either. He was hurt, too, even if it was in a different way. As weeks passed, the pain dulled but didn't disappear completely. Broaching the subject now seemed right, although she wasn't sure why. She hadn't wanted to cast a pall over their anniversary, but at its core, the discussion was rooted in hopefulness.

"I'm afraid it'll happen again," Amanda admitted quietly. "I know Dr. Miller said it usually doesn't, but... it's just, I wonder... I don't think I have it in me to go through something like this another time."

Sonny nodded.

"But I... I want to have another baby. I'm afraid, but I want it," she continued honestly.

He exhaled. "Don't get mad-"

" _Don't start a sentence that way_ ," she warned him weakly, for the second time that day.

"-but you keep forgettin' the part of this where you lost almost two liters of blood," he reminded her grimly. "If you hadn't gone in when you did, if it had happened at home by yourself, you could have died."

"I would rather hemorrhage a million times - or have whatever other horrible thing happen to me - than know what it's like to lose a baby," Amanda asserted.

"You're missin' my point 'Manda: I don't wanna lose _you._ " There was a hitch in his voice and he cleared his throat. "Two outta three times that you've been pregnant, you've scared the shit outta me. As much as I want more kids, I think about that a lot."

So consumed by her own grief, she hadn't considered the situation leading up to the loss of their baby. It had all happened so quickly: all she knew was that she had woken up in the hospital, no longer pregnant. "I mean, I..." She closed her mouth, not sure what she was trying to say. "If I go back to the doctor and they tell me the risk is too high, we won't do it," she eventually conceded.

"Yeah..."

"I just, I want to see." She sounded almost like she was pleading. "I used to think kids would ruin my life. But now, they _are_ my life. They're the best part. You've told me that they would be all along."

A smile played at his lips as he glanced over at her. "So what you're sayin' is: I've been right all along," Sonny concluded smugly.

Amanda was relieved to hear his familiar humor. "That's what I'm saying." She tugged at his hand, stopping the both of them in the middle of the otherwise empty path so she could look him in the eye. "I just... I don't know when I'll actually be ready, but... eventually I do want to talk to the doctor and try again."

"Okay." He looked down at their entwined fingers before meeting her gaze. "Just... keep talkin' to me, would you?"

She nodded earnestly. "No matter what."


	10. Chapter 10

**AN:** Some slightly nsfw stuff in here. I also couldn't resist tossing in another especially heinous crime. Sorry, not sorry.

* * *

 _all these voices in my head get loud / I wish that I could shut them out_

* * *

On the first warm and sunny May Saturday, Amanda sat on the bleachers at Forest Hill Park. With a faded blue Braves cap on her head and Luca in her lap, she watched as Jesse's co-ed t-ball team took over the field. Frannie sat obediently at her feet, while Sonny stood tall by the dugout with two other parents, all of them charged with getting the group of five and six year olds to successfully complete a ten-inning game. Amanda freely admitted that she didn't have the patience for the task, but Sonny lived for the challenge every spring. His enthusiasm for teaching kids baseball was not only endearing but it influenced Jesse, too, who wanted to 'practice' almost constantly. If a major league game was on television, sometimes Amanda would find them sitting side-by-side on the couch, Sonny explaining rules and plays to the curious little girl as if she was studying.

It was hardly an organized operation - how could it be, when the players were so young and easily distracted? There were a lot of 'time-outs' to refocus the group, which meant that the game was fairly slow-moving. Amanda didn't mind, she enjoyed the opportunity to sit in the sun. She let Luca play on the grass at her feet in front of the bleachers when he got too fidgety to sit on her lap, his little fingers gleefully ripping up chunks of weeds and dirt to toss around. He would need a serious bath later.

Amanda's phone rang in the pocket of her hoodie - it was her mother calling. She let it ring a few times before she finally decided to pick up.

"Hey, mama," she said, eyes flickering from Luca to the field.

"Hi, Amanda," Beth Anne Rollins drawled. "How are you doin'?"

"I'm alright," she answered honestly, because she was. She wasn't good and she wasn't bad. She was alright. "I'm at Jesse's t-ball game."

Beth Anne sighed. "She doesn't wanna do ballet or something? Something more... feminine?"

Amanda rolled her eyes. "We've been over this. She likes sports."

"Well of course she does, she doesn't know any different. Between both her of parents, you guys have more sports memorabilia than eBay."

She pinched the bridge of her nose and closed her eyes, mustering up every shred of patience. "It makes her happy."

"Alright, alright," her mother replied. "Anyway, I've been thinkin'... I know you're going to Disney World next month..."

Amanda opened her eyes again. "Yeah..."

"Well, I was hoping maybe before you all go back to New York, you could stop over in Loganville," Beth Anne suggested sweetly.

She snorted at the ridiculousness of her mother's statement. "Why would we ever want to do that?"

"Because this is your home, Amanda, and you've never even brought Sonny here."

"Uh, yeah, for a reason."

"None of my friends have even met my grandchildren-"

"They can look at pictures."

"Amanda, just think about it, would you?"

Amanda looked out at the field; Jesse was waiting on deck, adjusting her helmet. "Look, mama, Jesse's about to be at bat, okay? I'll think about it," she said hurriedly.

"Really think about it," Beth Anne urged.

"Uh huh. I will. Bye." She hung up before the conversation could go any further.

She eagerly shifted her focus back to the game. "C'mon, Jesse!" Amanda called to her daughter enthusiastically.

Jesse looked over at her, grinning proudly as the tee was set up. When she turned back around, she hit the ball with such surprising force that even _she_ looked stunned by her own ability. Then, she stood frozen at home plate.

Amanda jumped to her feet, frantic. "Go! _Run_ , Jesse!" she shrieked amid the chorus of other voices who were prompting Jesse to do the same.

After a few more painful seconds, the five-year-old dropped her bat and began to sprint around the bases, her two braids flying behind her beneath her helmet. Jesse was fast, her little cleats kicking up dust as she rounded the field with obvious determination. Amanda couldn't believe it, but given the other team's level of disorganization, her daughter was soon successfully skidding into home base. Amanda jumped up and down on the bleachers like she had just won the World Series herself. She could hear her daughter buzzing with excitement, asking anyone around her who would listen, _did you see me? Did you see me run?_

Amanda grinned. For the first time in several weeks, a little jolt of genuine happiness broke through her fog.

* * *

Amanda watched television in the living room with her head on Sonny's lap. Slumped into the couch, his feet rested on their coffee table while his fingers toyed lazily with long strands of her blonde hair. Curled onto her side, Amanda felt warm and comfortable, all of her muscles loose and relaxed. Every now and then her eyes fluttered closed as she flirted with sleep, encouraged by the rhythmic movement of Sonny's hand. It was only nine o'clock - hardly a wild Saturday night - but Amanda hadn't been interested in socializing much lately. She didn't think she was depressed, but she also didn't feel quite like herself. She was still Amanda, but muted somehow. It had been just a little over a month since her miscarriage and she couldn't seem to shake it off - sometimes she felt guilty for even _wanting_ to. She knew that it was starting to take a toll on her relationship with Sonny, even if he hadn't said anything about it to her. Amanda was unintentionally distant and he didn't encroach on her space; lately she noticed that when they went to bed, Sonny kept his hands to himself.

"My mother wants us to go to Loganville after Disney World," she offered randomly.

"Yeah?" Sonny replied.

"I don't want to," she sighed.

"I already assumed that."

"It's just..."

"You hate it there, I know."

"Yeah, that."

"Don't you want the kids to see where you're from?"

She chewed her lower lip. "It's kinda embarrassing."

"I've always wanted to go," Sonny admitted.

"You have?"

"Yeah, I mean. It's a part of you," he explained. "I've always been curious about it."

"I mean, nothing is worse than being from Staten Island-"

"Hey!"

"I'm kidding. Kinda." She rolled over so she was facing up, her eyes to the ceiling. "It's not gonna feel like much of a vacation..."

"You think any part of this is gonna feel that way?" he chuckled. "We're subjectin' ourselves to a gigantic theme park crawlin' with overstimulated kids."

He had a point. "I know."

Sonny gently toyed with her bangs against her forehead in silence for a few minutes. "Don't worry about it right now."

Sometimes Amanda felt like all she did was worry, like she had been born perpetually anxious. First it was her parents, then her sister, then school, then all of the stupid shit she gotten herself into in her adult life. She was aware that sometimes she came off as abrasive and callous even on her best days, but anybody who knew her understood that her attitude was the direct result of frayed nerves. Two weeks ago, Dr. Lindstrom had suggested that she go on medication temporarily given her recent loss, but Amanda had patently refused. That option was fine for other people, not her.

"Okay," Amanda answered him simply. She rolled back over onto her side and pretended to watch television.

* * *

Panting and sticky with sweat, Sonny collapsed on top of her. "Fuck, that was good," he breathed into the crook of neck.

Amanda let out a breathless laugh beneath him. Knees bent up close to her chest, she gingerly straightened them out onto the mattress. "That's only because I haven't let you touch me in like, four and a half weeks."

It wasn't an exaggeration - she hadn't. At first it was because medically, she wasn't allowed to have sex after her miscarriage for two weeks, but her abstinence hadn't ended there. Typically a sexual person, lately Amanda felt too muddled and conflicted to get out of her own head and enjoy anything physical. Of course, Sonny had made valiant attempts at convincing her otherwise before he finally gave up trying. She knew her rejection hurt his feelings (among other things) but she didn't know how to explain how disconnected her body and mind felt.

Sonny may have stopped coming on to her, but there was no hesitation in his response when Amanda's interest resurfaced again that night. After he turned off the lights so that they could both go to sleep, Amanda had stared up at the dark ceiling, restless. Despite their proximity, she felt very far away from Sonny. For the first time in a few weeks, her stomach began to coil up with desire, knowing that she was mere inches away from the only person she wanted to soothe the ache. She hadn't bothered with being subtle or coy: she simply rolled over, pressed her body into his side and whispered _fuck me_ hotly into his ear. His mouth didn't say anything, but his body responded instantaneously. It was quick and dirty, the type of coupling that had absolutely nothing to do with romance and everything to do with getting their mutual needs met. Fifteen minutes later, the sheets were damp and tangled and everything smelled of sex.

"Good things... come... to those... who wait," he murmured slyly, his words punctuated by kisses against her neck, collarbone and sternum.

Amanda smiled, then let out a low hum of discontent at the sensation of him pulling out of her and rolling off to her side. Looking smug, he propped himself up on an elbow with his head in his hand, his free palm trailing down the flat plane of her abdomen to slide between her thighs. His fingers slipped around leisurely, as if he was surveying his work. Hypersensitive, she twitched beneath him, but she didn't tell him to stop. "I'm sorry," she sighed.

"For what?" He sounded distracted.

"For being..." she began tentatively. "Not... myself."

He stopped playing with her. "Don't apologize for that," he said huskily.

Head lolling to one side, Amanda gazed at him sheepishly in the dark.

Sonny leaned over and kissed her slowly, gently. "C'mon, babe. It's fine."

It was not fine. She wanted to talk to him, even if how she was feeling was hard to explain, just like he had asked her to do weeks ago. Maybe _that_ would make her feel better. "Remember... remember those old Zoloft commercials?" she said randomly. "With that little egg floatin' around under a dark cloud?"

His brow furrowed. "Yeah..."

"I feel like him, sometimes, lately."

"You think you're depressed?"

"I dunno. No? Maybe," Amanda told him tentatively. "It's more like... I feel fuzzy. I'm not always sad or whatever, but I'm just... not me. I feel disconnected."

"Fuzzy," he repeatedly slowly.

"I know it doesn't make any sense."

"What'll help?"

She shrugged bare shoulders. "I don't really know."

"Maybe it just takes time," Sonny suggested gently. "I know how you are, how you always want a solution, to fix stuff, but maybe... maybe there isn't necessarily anything to be done."

Amanda nodded thoughtfully. "Maybe."

* * *

May had just begun, but early mornings were still chilly. Zipped up in her NYPD jacket, Amanda trudged down the muddy riverbank with Fin by her side. The Eleventh Street basin was flooded with police officers and Crime Scene Investigators; despite the hour, it was already attracting the attention of runners and dog-walkers. Spotting Liv talking to CSI, Amanda lifted up the yellow tape to enter the area with her partner.

"An E.R. doc was running with their dog after a night shift," the lieutenant explained quickly. "The dog stopped to smell what they thought was just a bag of trash on the shore but it turns out, there was a kid inside. A little girl."

At their feet, a deceased child was laying atop the black garbage bag she had been found in. The circumstances had rendered her almost unrecognizable: her skin was blotched shades of blue, gray and white, her features bloated and distorted from her time in the river. Her clothes were soiled but intact: she wore polka dot leggings and a pink t-shirt.

"She's already started to decompose and it's going to be nearly impossible to get fingerprints after being in the water. We can't tell by looking how old she is, not like this," one of the CSI technicians explained. He held up a dirty zebra print blanket. "She was found with this blanket..."

Reaching into the pocket of her coat, Amanda snapped on a latex glove. Crouching down next to the small body, she gently pushed aside matted hair to tug at the little girl's t-shirt collar. She held her breath and tried not to look at her face; it never got easier. Her fingers eventually encountered a tag at the back of the child's shirt. Amanda rubbed her thumb against the once-white fabric, trying to clean it off just enough to see the size printed there.

"4T," she concluded, straightening up again to look between the tech and Liv. "I'd bet she's three years old, or a small four-year-old."

"Makes sense. An autopsy will reveal more, but I'm not sure how much it'll help in identifying her," the tech said.

"We'll be in touch with Missing and Exploited Children, but it's going to be hard to match a description to this," Liv agreed, motioning down to the corpse.

Amanda cringed. _This._ She wondered what the little girl's name was.

"So, she was either put here, or she washed up from somewhere else," Fin mused before adding grimly, "the dive team is on their way to see if there was anybody else in the water with her."

"She belongs to somebody, and somebody's responsible for this," Amanda said firmly, invigorated by the desire to bring about justice for an innocent child. Selfishly, she was oddly thankful, too: this was the distraction she had been waiting for.

* * *

Two days later, a photograph of the little girl's decomposed body hung on the bulletin board in the squad room. With no way to properly identify her yet, she was referred to as Baby Doe. Sonny, Fin and Liv hovered around the circular table while Amanda paced before them. She stole glances down at her phone while she recited the preliminary autopsy results to her colleagues.

"'Natural cause of death excluded,'" she began. "No traces of bleach, drugs, alcohol... Warner thinks she's between the ages of three and five. Race is white, brown hair, she estimated that Baby Doe is between three feet one and three feet six tall. No birthmarks, no scars. She's got pierced ears. No signs of malnutrition or abuse. Warner says she looks like she was healthy and well cared for." Amanda walked over to her laptop in between Sonny and Fin, which was hooked up to the large computer screen at the front of the room. She pulled up a photo of a pretty, chubby-cheeked little brunette. "Missing and Exploited children reconstructed her face with that information to see if anybody recognizes her. This is it. It's been all over the news since last night."

"Well cared for, huh?" Sonny repeated skeptically. "How'd she end up dead in a garbage bag, then?"

"Somebody who knew her put her in that trash bag, I'm almost positive," Amanda asserted. She was buzzing with too much caffeine; she hadn't slept more than three hours a night in two days. The case had consumed her. "She was in there with her blanket. A stranger wouldn't do that. And how come nobody's claimed her yet? I know the picture has only been circulating since yesterday, but doesn't that seem a little bizarre that nobody's concerned relatives have come forward? We've only heard from strangers thinking they saw her at the park one day."

"Maybe her family is dead, too," Fin offered bluntly.

"Wow, that's depressin'," Sonny mumbled.

Fin shrugged. "Just sayin'. If this a drug-related, revenge thing, there could be more vics involved."

"I'm gonna enter her in the National Missing and Unidentified Persons System and see if she matches anything," Amanda added.

"Amanda, there are like, forty thousand people in NamUs," Sonny exclaimed. "You're gonna have to rule out a lot of cases."

"I didn't ask you to do it," she retorted irritably.

"Rollins is right," Liv interjected. "We can't rely on tips at this stage. We've gotta start somewhere. People are going to want to know that we're doing everything we can." She added cynically, "this is a dead kid. You know how people get about dead kids."

Amanda felt a hot flash of indignation. "Rightfully so. This is somebody's... she's just a baby..." She caught herself just in time, regaining her composure in an instant as to not appear emotionally involved. She continued levelly, "it's our job to figure this out."


	11. Chapter 11

**AN:** Sorry for the delay, I've been super sick!

* * *

 _I know this whole damn city thinks it needs you / but not as much as I do_

* * *

The fertility specialist Dr. Miller sent Amanda to had a corner office on Lexington Avenue - a far cry from the health center in Queens she had been going to for her entire time in New York City. She had been able to schedule the appointment a couple of hours before she and Sonny had to attend a mandatory field training for SVU that day. When they arrived, everything was shiny and modern; ironically she was instantly glad that she had not brought either of her children there, as Jesse would have been tearing through magazines and Luca probably would have to be restrained to keep him from digging up the potted plants. Sonny kept asking her, _how much is this gonna cost, exactly?_ in a nervous but resigned kind of way - and truthfully, Amanda didn't know the answer. She would handle this how she approached most other things in life: she would do it, then deal with the consequences later.

Dr. Lombardi ( _Oh, good, he's Italian,_ Sonny had sighed, as if that was some kind of indicator of his competence) sat behind his chic glass and steel desk wearing a sharp navy suit beneath his white coat. Amanda and Sonny were positioned on the other side, in two chairs, waiting to speak until spoken to while the physician reviewed Amanda's information.

"So, you're a patient of Dr. Miller's," Dr. Lombardi observed, looking up at Amanda.

"Yeah. I've been seeing him for at least six years," she replied.

He nodded. "Jeremy and I, we went to medical school together."

"Oh. Okay."

Dr. Lombardi set Amanda's paperwork down and folded his hands atop his desk thoughtfully. "The research shows that conceiving in the first six months after a miscarriage means a lot fewer complications with the resulting pregnancy. It's when you have two miscarriages consecutively that it's cause for real concern."

Amanda was glad that he got right to the point - she wasn't in the mood to shoot the shit about the personal relationship between her two physicians. "So, you're saying that if I get pregnant again and I miscarry..."

"You can always keep trying, but after two, the likelihood of having more goes up exponentially," he explained. "Emotionally, it really starts taking a toll. That isn't to say people don't successfully have children after multiple miscarriages, but the road is difficult. At that point, I'd advise you to seek alternate options, but of course it's ultimately up to you."

"I know Amanda isn't as worried about this as I am," Sonny interjected. "But uh, I'm kinda concerned that two outta three times she's nearly bled to death."

Amanda's eyes flickered over the doctor's face nervously.

Dr. Lombardi nodded. "There's really no surefire no way to predict if that'll happen again. We can book you for a series of ultrasounds and procedures to try to detect any uterine abnormalities, but-"

"I'll do it," she told him eagerly. "Whatever tests y'all wanna give me, I'll do them."

"We can arrange all that." The physician gave her a knowing look. "But, Amanda, I really need to stress to you how important it is that you take care of yourself."

"I do!" she blurted. "I mean, the first time, I know I overdid it. But after that, I've been on restricted duty at work and everything."

"Just because you're on desk duty doesn't mean you're not overdoing it," Dr. Lombardi reminded her. "You routinely work ten, twelve, thirteen hour days. You're not twenty years old; these are things you have to consider now."

If Sonny had said that to her, Amanda's head probably would have exploded. But since she was sitting in a very nice office with a very nice doctor who was going to help her do something _very_ important, she pressed her lips together and bit her tongue.

"Yeah, I know, it's just... it's a busy job," Amanda answered eventually.

"I get that," the doctor insisted gently. "But once you're pregnant again, I'm advising you to slow down. Maybe work a normal eight hour day, that's all. I know you have a lot of responsibilities. That little girl in the river, I saw on the news... is that your case?"

She nodded. "Yeah. Both of ours."

"Very taxing work." He sighed. "Well, on your way out I'm going to have you set up some follow-up appointments with the receptionist out front."

"He called me old," Amanda snapped to Sonny the second they were alone in the elevator.

"Oh, Jesus, Amanda, I knew you were gonna say that," Sonny groaned, head leaned back against the wall in his exasperation.

"Well, he did! _'You're not twenty years old,'_ " she mimicked him snidely. "First of all, I was a mess when I was twenty, second of all-"

"Who are you tryin' to convince, exactly? There _is_ a big difference between being twenty and being thirty seven," he challenged her.

"Except if you're a man," Amanda snapped. "Then nobody cares."

Sonny raised an eyebrow. "You are very cranky."

"I need a bagel," she admitted, because she had been too anxious to eat earlier and now she was starving.

"Ah," he responded with a knowing nod as they exited the elevator and walked through the building lobby. "Let's get one before we have to do this stupid training."

"You just think it's stupid 'cause I'm a better shot than you," Amanda told him with a smirk.

"Not true," Sonny insisted. "I think it's stupid because we only get a fifteen minute break for lunch, which is an unrealistic time to enjoy anything."

"Uh, maybe because most people don't live their lives just waiting for their next meal and have other stuff to do besides eat," she laughed.

He offered her a sly grin. "Those people have clearly never had good food."

* * *

Between Amanda, Fin and Sonny, they had ruled out almost one hundred and fifty missing persons cases. Bleary-eyed on a late Wednesday night and slumped in her chair, Amanda poked at her take-out container of Pad Thai, feeling defeated. There were so many children in the national database and while some of them vaguely matched Baby Doe's description, there were barely enough similarities to make them worth pursuing. The composite photograph was circulating on the news, but had yet to garner any useful tips.

Amanda looked over at Fin, who was sitting across the round table from her, very obviously playing a game on his phone. To her right, Sonny was scribbling shapes on a legal pad. She rolled her eyes and huffed out a sigh.

"Uh, hello? Y'all getting paid overtime for this?" she asked at the two men sarcastically, dropping her Pad Thai back onto the table in front of her keyboard.

Fin gave her a guilty look. "Sorry, Sarge, but I'm not getting anywhere."

"Look, 'Manda. I've been thinking," Sonny interjected.

"You've been doodling," Amanda corrected him.

"I mean, while I've been doin' that, I've been thinkin'," he insisted. "What if this girl was never reported missing?"

"Who loses a three year old and doesn't do anything about it?" Fin asked.

"I dunno, pieces of crap. But it happens." Sonny yawned and stretched out his long limbs with a groan before letting his arms flop back down to his sides."I'm just sayin', we're spendin' all this time lookin' for missing people but, come on. I'm willing to bet that the majority of the parents to these missin' kids would call up in a heartbeat if Doe looked even remotely like the child they lost, even if it was years ago when it happened. But instead, we've got nothing. Only a bunch of jackasses callin' in and sayin' stuff like, 'oh I saw her in a laundromat once' or, 'some lady in a burka took her to a park two Fridays ago.'"

The wheels in her tired mind began to turn. "Maybe, maybe it's not just somebody she knows that did this, then," Amanda began slowly. "Maybe that's why the parents haven't called. Maybe _they_ did it."

"Some good that does us, when we don't know who the hell her family is," Fin grumbled.

Amanda frowned; he was right. She picked up her Thai food again and dug her fork around the noodles, then looked up at the two of them. "So, what? We stop looking?"

Neither of them said anything.

Her eyes widened with a sudden idea and she put her food down once more. "I think we need to try a different approach. Ask people for help. You know, the community." She opened a new internet tab on her laptop and went to Facebook. "The internet community."

"You gonna post a status update?" Sonny quipped with a smirk.

She gave him a stern sideways glance. "No." Her fingers flew over the keyboard, logging into the NYPD Facebook profile. "Over seven hundred and fifty thousand people follow this Facebook page. So..." She quickly began to compile a public post with Baby Doe's reconstructed image at the very top. Below it, she added a few sentences about the investigation and where to call with information. "...think of all the eyes this will reach."

"Are you gonna ask Liv about this?" Fin asked her tentatively.

"We don't have time for that," Amanda told him briskly as she re-read the phone numbers she had typed beneath Baby Doe's photograph, then pressed 'post.'

* * *

A few nights later, Sonny and Fin left the precinct without Amanda to go to the morgue; Forensics was trying to salvage any bit of hair or teeth from Baby Doe's body in order to figure out where she had come from. At SVU, Amanda spent hours on the phone chasing down a tip that ultimately went no where. She thought she had found a girl in NamUS matching Baby Doe's description, but in the end it was determined that the person listed was actually alive in another country. Frustrated, she spent another hour poring over criminology articles until her eyes went blurry and her head started to pound. Stuffing everything she had printed out into her purse like she needed some grim bedtime reading, she finally left the squad room.

By the time Amanda got home, it was past ten o'clock. She made an effort to slip through the front door as quietly as possible, but found Sonny on the living room couch. He was watching television with a drink dangling from his hand, his long arms stretched out lazily across the back of the sofa. He had changed out of his suit into more comfortable clothes and somehow appeared both exhausted and wide awake at the very same time. Fluffy was curled up on a cushion by his side; the animal still followed him around almost constantly, but Sonny had finally stopped putting up such a fight.

On the subway ride home, Amanda had wondered about his trip to the Medical Examiner's office. Amanda had seen Baby Doe's body on top of the crumpled garbage bag she had been wrapped in, flies swarming her bloated features, her skin an unnatural combination of blues, greens and grays. Except for some photographs, Sonny had not - until that evening. They were all accustomed to looking at dead people, but there was something especially disturbing about a decaying three-year-old. It turned Amanda's stomach every time she thought about it, but she was certain that after Sonny saw Baby Doe in person, it would keep him up at night.

"Hey. I was wonderin' when you'd get outta there," Sonny said once he realized she had come home.

"I didn't think you'd still be up," Amanda admitted. She set her bag down on an arm chair as she shouldered off her jacket, then pulled her gun and her badge off her hip to set them on the coffee table.

"Yeah. Can't sleep," he told her before taking a sip from his glass.

She frowned before her expression brightened. "Well... I got ya something."

Sonny looked over at her curiously. "Hm?"

Amanda dug through her purse and produced a small, white bakery box. "Gianpiero's. Caught them just before they closed."

His eyes lit up like a child's on Christmas morning. "Cannolis?"

"Mhm." She nodded. "I figured if you were asleep, you could have them for breakfast, but you can have them now." She sank down onto the couch next to him and set the box on his lap.

"What's the occasion?" Sonny asked, leaning in to put his drink down so he could start picking at the red and white twine.

She shrugged. "I dunno. I just, walked by on my way home and thought of you."

He grinned. "Aw." Leaning in, he kissed her gently. "Thanks, 'Manda."

"You're welcome." Her explanation was partially true: she knew that he loved that particular bakery, but she _also_ knew that his day hadn't exactly ended on the most upbeat note. Pastry wouldn't make the case any less traumatizing, but at least it tasted good. Pulling her knees up by her chest, she leaned her side into the back of the couch and watched him open up the box. She had gotten a giant chocolate chip cookie for herself and reached in to retrieve it. Breaking off a piece, Amanda asked him quietly, "how was it?"

Sonny shook his head, cannoli in hand. "I hate goin' there. You know I hate goin' there."

Amanda nodded solemnly; that's why he had despised working homicide. "Yeah, I know."

He set the box down on the coffee table. "It's shitty enough when kids are alive and we have to talk them about what some son of a bitch did to them. To see them dead..."

She picked at her cookie in silence. Fluffy crawled over Sonny's lap to settle next to her.

"They didn't find anything substantial," Sonny continued bitterly. "They said judging from some pollen on her body, she 'may have spent most of her life in the tristate area.' Yeah, real helpful. Really narrows it down."

She sighed. "I think that may be as good as it gets."

"Mama!" a familiar voice called. "You're home."

Looking up, Amanda saw Jesse standing at the base of the stairs in her pajamas, cheeks pink and hair a mess from sleep. "Jesse, what are you doin' out of bed?" she asked.

"I wanted to say g'night," she answered her mother sweetly.

She waved her over. "C'mon."

"What are you eating?" Jesse asked excitedly, positioning herself in between the two of them. "Can I have some?"

"A bite. Then back to bed," she bargained. She held out the cookie and Jesse took the biggest bite her little mouth could manage. "Hey! That's way more than a bite."

Jesse giggled.

"Alright, c'mon. Gimme a hug and go back upstairs," Amanda told her.

"Can't I sit with you for just a little while? Please?" Jesse whined.

Too tired to argue and suddenly very grateful that her own child was alive and well, Amanda sighed. "Okay."

The five-year-old plucked Amanda's badge from the coffee table before she sat on Sonny's lap, curled into him on her side so she could face her mother. Her little hands toyed with the shield; to her, it was a cool piece of jewelry. She often begged Amanda or Sonny to play with one of their badges and had to be reminded on several occasions that it wasn't just a pretty accessory.

"What'd you do today?" Amanda asked her curiously.

"I played with Robbie next door," the little girl answered as her finger traced over Amanda's badge number: 0458.

"Yeah? Did you have fun?" Sonny asked, attempting to eat his cannoli around Jesse.

"Yeah. But he was sorta funny," Jesse said.

"What d'you mean?" Amanda raised an eyebrow.

Brown eyes wide as she looked at her mother, she giggled, "he thought Audrey was my mom! So I had to say, 'no, silly, she's not my mom!'"

Amanda felt her heart sink into her stomach. _Ouch._ She was surprised how hurt she felt over a conversation between two five-year-olds. Over the years she had always been nervous about how well she fulfilled her role as a mother, not because she didn't love her children, but because her job sometimes meant that she spent more time at the precinct than at home. Sonny did, too, but a man working hard to take care of their family was admirable - a woman trying to juggle parenthood and a career was an invitation for judgement. Even with all of the outside opinions, nobody was harder on Amanda than Amanda herself was.

"Robbie must need glasses, 'cause you and your mother are like twins," Sonny chuckled..

"I told him my mom _and_ my dad are so cool," Jesse continued excitedly. "You shoot people!"

The color drained from Amanda's face. "Hold up - you didn't actually say that, did you?"

"Yeah!" her daughter told her lightly.

"We don't shoot people, Jesse," Sonny said weakly. "We try to get other people to stop shootin' each other."

"But, you have guns," the five-year-old challenged him, sounding confused.

"Well, yeah, but we don't like to use them because they're real dangerous. Not cool at all," Amanda explained quickly. "Remember how I told you that they aren't toys and you should never, ever should touch one?"

Jesse shrugged. "Robbie thought it was cool."

"I'm sure his parents were thrilled with that dinner time conversation," Sonny remarked cynically. "'Hey, mom! Our neighbors shoot people!'"

"Jesse, you shoulda told him we were police officers," Amanda said gently. "That's kinda important."

"I forgot." Jesse bashfully looked down at the badge in her hands. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay. Just, well, maybe no more talkin' about guns, huh?" Sonny suggested, tilting his head to get a better look at the little girl's face. "Today's been depressing enough."

* * *

The heels of Amanda's boots dug into the mud where Baby Doe had washed ashore two weeks ago. This time, she was accompanied by a large portion of the 16th precinct, Chief Dodds and other NYPD higher-ups; they were giving a press conference. Liv stood at a makeshift podium to address the reporters that swarmed the Eleventh Street Basin. On a screen behind her, the reconstructed image of Baby Doe was displayed, along with photographs of her clothes and the zebra print blanket she was found with. Liv explained that this information was being televised to ask the public for assistance identifying the little girl.

"Lieutenant!" a reporter shouted. "What steps have you taken to narrow down her identity?"

"I'm going to let Sergeant Rollins answer that question," Liv replied easily.

Amanda's mouth went dry. She had been prepared to stand silently and stoically by Liv's side, not talk to hoards of anxious media. Her heart rate quickening, she watched her lieutenant step down from the podium and motion for Amanda to take her place. Nervously, Amanda tucked her hair behind her ears. She was glad she had put a little extra blush on that day. Hovering over the microphone, she looked out at the crowd: the reporters looked like were ready to pounce on her at any given opportunity. She tried to pretend she was debriefing her colleagues - something she did almost every day - instead of a bunch of television cameras. "In addition to working with the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, we've been comparing what we know about Baby Doe to the thousands of cases in the National Missing and Unidentified Persons System," she began. "So far, we've ruled out two hundred and seven missing people. We've also started a twenty-four hour tip hotline; officers and trained volunteers will be taking calls around the clock and every tip will be vetted. So far, officers have done 'well-being checks' at twenty different homes. In each case, the girls have been found safe."

"Given that it's been two weeks with no leads..." a loud, male reporter interjected. He shoved his microphone as close to the front of the group as he could manage. "...should parents be afraid that their child is at risk? Is there a child murderer on the loose?"

"At this time, we do not believe that Baby Doe was murdered by a stranger," Amanda responded slowly.

"But you can't be sure, right? You can't be a hundred percent certain this child wasn't killed by a random predator," a woman challenged.

She adjusted the black blazer she was wearing over her white blouse. "I can't be a hundred percent certain, no, but-"

"So it is possible that a stranger-"

"Loved ones - specifically parents - are responsible for more than half of all the murders of children," Amanda interrupted firmly. She felt like she was back in college, giving a presentation on her late-night research. Except this time, the stakes felt much higher. "For children under the age of five, the figure is seventy percent."

"So you believe it was the parents who murdered this little girl?" another voice asked.

"That's one theory, yes," she responded diplomatically.

"Sergeant!"

"Over here!"

"One more question-"

"If you know this child, please come forward," Amanda concluded, ignoring the chorus of voices vying for her attention. "Clear your conscious and help us identify her. Nobody, especially not an innocent child, deserves this kind of ending. Thanks."

* * *

Early the next morning, Amanda went on a run. She had a lot on her mind: what would all the fertility tests she was doing ultimately tell her? Was she even cut out to be a mother of three if Jesse's friends weren't even sure she existed? Would there be any valuable tips about Baby Doe when she went into the precinct that day? She needed to finish her notes from the night before. Did she remember to turn on the coffee pot before she left? There was a pile of the kids' clothing just sitting in the upstairs hallway, needing to be washed...

At Hunters Point, her right calf began to ache. She paused on the pier to stretch it out, digging the heel of her sneaker into the ground and leaning forward to rest her weight on the railing to elongate the sore muscle. It was a beautiful morning: the sun was just beginning to rise over the New York City skyline...

"Hey, you're NYPD, aren't you?" a female voice to her left said.

Amanda looked over to see a pretty woman in her mid-thirties by her side on the pier. She was dressed in leggings and a tank top, clearly breathless from a run. If Amanda was supposed to know her, she definitely did not. "Yeah..."

"I saw you on television yesterday," the woman explained.

"Oh. Yeah," she responded awkwardly.

The woman eyed her almost suspiciously. "Such a shame that you haven't figured out who that little girl is yet," she sighed, like it actually gave her a little pleasure to say it. Her tone saccharine, she added, "how do you sleep at night?"

Mouth agape at the stranger's audacity, Amanda resisted the urge to respond in the snide, sarcastic way she wanted to. She offered her a tight-lipped smile. "We're doing everything we can."

"Hm," the woman hummed disapprovingly. "Well, good luck."

She jogged away, leaving Amanda alone on the boardwalk. "Ugh," she murmured to herself before she continued her own run.

By the time she made it back home, panting and sweating, the newspaper was at the front door. Picking it up, the front page headline read boldly: _Baby Doe Baffles Cops._ "Oh, come on," Amanda groaned, eyes scanning the massive article as she let herself inside. Barely looking up from the news, she pounded up the steps and into her bedroom. Amanda barged into the bathroom where Sonny was taking a shower, the space filled with steam. She hopped up to sit on the counter, legs dangling, and pressed the newspaper to the glass of the stall.

"Look at this!" she demanded.

Appearing confused, Sonny stuck his head out the door. "Jesus, can't a person just take a shower in peace?"

Amanda shook the paper at him. "No. Read this headline."

He dutifully squinted at it before returning to stand beneath the stream of water. "I mean, I've definitely seen more creative-"

"No, Sonny. This is embarrassing," Amanda interrupted him. She went on to read an excerpt, "'a sketch of the face of the toddler found dead at the Eleventh Street Basin has been seen 42 million times on NYPD's Facebook. So why can't police identify her?' Do they think we haven't been trying?"

"You know the media. They love to villainize us," he suggested.

"Well, it isn't fair. They have no idea how much time and energy we've put into this. I'm doing everything I can."

"Who said it was your fault? Not everything has to be personal, 'Manda."

"How can it _not_ be personal?" she exclaimed. "This kid... this _baby_ , washed up outta the river with nobody. Except us."

She heard Sonny heave a sigh, even over the hiss of the shower. "You're doin' it again. You're gettin' way too invested."

Amanda looked down at the paper in her hands, Baby Doe's photograph staring back at her. She was about to challenge Sonny with an impassioned _no,_ but she didn't want to lie.


	12. Chapter 12

_all that I know is I'm breathing / all I can do is keep breathing_

* * *

At eleven fifteen, Amanda crept through the front door. Everything hurt: her feet, her legs, even her face. She had spent the last twelve hours going door-to-door with other officers doing well-being checks on the seemingly endless stream of tips that had flowed into the precinct. The press conference combined with a wider distribution of Baby Doe's photograph had caused outrage, not only in New York City, but beyond, too. Suddenly everyone had theories, everyone knew how to do the police's job better, but still nobody could offer any concrete clues to the little girl's identity or the manner of her death. Amanda had never been under so much scrutiny before; this was her very first major case as a sergeant. Liv was at the forefront, too, but she was used to eyes on her by now. Amanda much preferred to keep her police work away from television cameras and newspapers, but Baby Doe's case had become too massive to investigate under the radar.

She had only seen Sonny for a total of twenty minutes that day: their paths had crossed briefly in the squad room. Sonny was charged with the same task Amanda was - canvasing neighborhoods for information - except he had started earlier and therefore returned home first. Both of her children were obviously asleep by the time she showed up, which made her stomach turn with a guilt that had been simmering there for weeks. Even though SVU provided a great distraction from the trauma of her miscarriage, their working theory about Baby Doe's parents murdering her had Amanda looking at her own role as a mother.

The first floor was dark as she kicked off her boots and walked into the kitchen. She flipped on the light to illuminate the space, everything spotless except for the island, which was covered in what she recognized as some of Sonny's law books. Clearly he had been researching something before he had gone to bed. Amanda shrugged off her blazer and pulled her white t-shirt out of the waistband of the olive green pants she had worn that day. Sighing, she pulled open the refrigerator and gazed inside. She spotted a Tupperware container filled with what she knew to be chicken piccata - of course, Sonny had made dinner. Suddenly starving, she popped open the top, grabbed a fork and dug into the pasta cold.

Eating, she sunk down onto a stool at the island and began to curiously finger through one of the books Sonny had left out: _Contemporary Criminal Law_. As she ate, her eyes roamed over the text: _...in 1969, five motives that explain why parents kill their children were described (see table 5). These motives include fatal maltreatment, partner revenge, unwanted child, altruistic, and acutely psychotic. The most common reason a child is killed by a parent is fatal maltreatment, the end result of abuse or neglect._ She flipped to the next page, simultaneously intrigued and disturbed. _The least common is partner revenge, in which a parent kills the child in order to make the other parent suffer emotionally. An unwanted child is killed because that child is seen as a hindrance to the parent's goals. Alternatively, in altruistic child murder, the parent kills the child out of love. These parents may kill their child in association with their own suicide or to protect the child from a fate worse than death..._

"Thinkin' of a career change?"

Startled, Amanda turned around to see Sonny walking into the kitchen wearing a tired smirk. His hands were buried in the pocket of his old, threadbare Saint John's hoodie as he shuffled over to her side.

She grinned. Her heart warmed at the sight of him; after hours of talking to strangers, she hadn't realized how much she had missed the familiar until that very moment. She tugged the fabric of his sweatshirt gently, tilted her head up and kissed him. "Not a chance," she murmured.

When he pulled away, Sonny rested a hand on her thigh. He raised an eyebrow at the food she was eating and looked pained. "I'm gonna heat that up for you," he told her, taking the half-eaten container away from her.

"It's good cold," Amanda assured him even though he was already putting it in the microwave - he got offended whenever she mistreated food. She turned back to what she had been reading, tired eyes going over the words again. Her gaze kept drifting back to the term _unwanted child_. She had felt unwanted as a kid, but even despite their insanity, her parents had never tried to _kill_ her. She had been hit and yelled at, sure, but her mother and father had never been so repelled by her existence that they had brutalized her. And _her_ children? Jesse and Luca hadn't been planned, but Amanda loved them so fiercely that she would only ever consider murdering _for_ them. Her last baby, the one she was trying very hard not to think about anymore, the one who she still privately fantasized about in any quiet moment she could steal - he would have been precious to her, too. Frowning, she looked up. "Sonny?"

He set her now-warm meal back down on the island. "Hm?"

She sighed as she turned toward him in her seat. "Am I a bad mom?"

Sonny looked confused. "What? Why would you think that?"

Amanda picked a caper out of the pasta and shrugged.

He walked toward her, her legs parting slightly so he could stand between them. His hands roamed up and down the sides of her thighs slowly. "Is this 'cause of what Jesse said the other day? About Audrey?"

"That's part of it, yeah." She took a bite of her food and chewed thoughtfully. "I just... I've been having this thought lately..."

"What kinda thought?" he asked curiously.

Amanda hesitated. She wasn't sure how to properly articulate what was on her mind, but she also didn't want to keep it from Sonny. Lately it felt like a betrayal to shut him out, even if he didn't always know when it was happening. Amanda figured that was growth; she had finally come to appreciate the value of open communication. "Like maybe, if I'm already strugglin' working and being here with the kids now..." she began carefully. "If the baby had been born..."

"What are you sayin'? You don't want another kid?" Sonny demanded anxiously, blue eyes wide.

"No, no, I do," she promised him, squeezing one of the hands that was resting against her thigh. She concluded sheepishly, honestly, "it's just lately I feel like maybe I don't deserve one."

His features turned sad. "That's a terrible thing to think, 'Manda," he told her quietly.

She shrugged. "You're always bothering me to tell you what's on my mind..."

"No, I mean, I'd rather you to talk to me but, ah, that's just not true," he insisted. He squeezed her legs. "Don't let this case... don't let it get you thinkin' all crazy."

Amanda nodded. "Workin' on it."

Sonny leaned and kissed her. "Come to bed," he murmured. "I haven't seen you all day."

"You're seeing me right now," she reminded him, grinning.

"No, I haven't _seen_ you," he clarified, his smirk evident in his tone as his hands crept up her legs so his palms could slide beneath her t-shirt.

"Ah." She wrapped her legs around Sonny's, trapping him, and her arms hung loosely around his neck. "I _have_ missed you," she sighed into his mouth, as if she was only just realizing it. "How is it possible that we live _and_ work together, but never see one another?"

His fingers splayed over her ribcage. "Because we're both nuts."

She hummed a little noise of agreement and touched her lips to his again.

* * *

Gantry Plaza State Park in Long Island City was unnervingly close to where Baby Doe had washed ashore, but Jesse and Luca loved it there. It was a warm and sunny Saturday that was too beautiful to spend inside and their small backyard felt woefully insufficient for all of the children's energy. Instead, they went out to breakfast before trekking across the street from the restaurant to the modern, colorful playground by the water. Wearing sunglasses and sipping iced coffee, Sonny and Amanda hovered around the equipment as Jesse sprinted from activity to activity and Luca toddled closely behind her. Frannie, donning a new blue bandana, followed them all.

Sonny pushed Luca on the swings one-handed. "Look at you! You're flyin'!" he exclaimed enthusiastically as the baby shrieked with laughter.

"Up! Up!" Luca would say every time he slowed down, his little arms and legs flailing eagerly.

"Mama, why can't we take Fluffy to the park?" Jesse asked as she swung beside her brother.

"I don't think he'd like being on a leash," Amanda mused.

"I don't want him to be sad," the little girl explained.

"Sad? He lives the life in our house," Sonny scoffed. "Your mother carries him around like he's too special to walk."

"That was one time, and he had something stuck in his paw!" Amanda told him indignantly.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Rollins?" a male voice behind her said.

Amanda turned around to see an unfamiliar man standing near by. He was dressed neatly in a button down, blazer and dark jeans. She took a curious step closer to him. "Hi, yeah..."

"My name is Justin Levy," the man began.

"Do I know you?" she asked, confused.

"No, but I've been following your Baby Doe investigation very closely," he said smoothly.

She crossed her arms over her chest, suspicious. "Are you a reporter?"

"I work for the Ledger, yes," Justin admitted hesitantly, as if he had hoped that wouldn't come up.

"How'd you find me here?" Amanda demanded.

He shifted in his spot. "I've been lingering around this area."

Amanda quirked an amused eyebrow. "You always make a point of hangin' out at playgrounds?"

"No, but you know this is close to where Baby Doe was found," Justin answered her. "The area is crawling with media."

She had only been talking to him for two minutes, but she could feel herself getting annoyed. "Well, I've got a Saturday off and I'm here with my kids, so-"

That appeared to pique his interest. "You have kids?"

Her brow furrowed. "Yes..."

Justin peered over her shoulder at the swing set behind her. "That them?"

"What exactly do you want from me?" Amanda asked brusquely, immediately unsettled by the turn in the conversation. "I can't comment on the investigation."

"I'm just wondering if you've gotten anywhere with that expensive laboratory test-"

"I just told you, I can't comment."

"A uniformed officer mentioned to me-"

"Look, some people in NYPD have big mouths, but I don't," she snapped.

She felt Sonny appear at her side; her tone of voice must have gotten his attention. "Hey, can I help you with something?" Sonny asked Justin sharply.

"Who are you?" Justin said.

"Who are you?" Sonny retorted.

"Justin Levy, from the Ledger." Justin stuck his hand out, but Sonny didn't shake it. "We're just talking about the Baby Doe investigation."

"No, _you_ were talking about it," Amanda corrected him. "I told you that I have nothing to say."

"You heard her, she's got nothin' to say," Sonny reiterated irritably.

"Anything you say can be kept anonymous," Justin insisted eagerly.

"Yeah, right. I was born at night, but not last night, buddy," Sonny remarked sarcastically. "Get lost."

Justin appeared unfazed. "You must realize that this has gotten nationwide attention. People deserve to know what's going on in their community."

"You're right, they do. But our job is to serve the public, not you, so we'll serve them how we see fit," Amanda retorted. "Now get outta here before I arrest you for harassment."

Wearing a tight smile, the reporter put both of his hands up in a symbol of defeat. "Sorry to interrupt your Saturday, Sergeant," he offered insincerely before slowly walking away.

* * *

Amanda dug through her desk drawer in search of Advil for her headache. The pain throbbed at the base of her skull and down the muscles of her neck, making it nearly impossible to concentrate. Her hands pushed aside years of pens, post-it notes, business cards and paper clips in hopes of encountering the bottle she stashed there. In the process, out of the corner of her eye, she saw Fin and Sonny appear by her side. She looked up at them expectantly through her bangs.

"That speciality lab in Utah responded with the results of their testing," Fin told her.

"And?" she asked anxiously, sitting up straight.

Sonny passed her a large manila envelope before settling his hands on his hips. "It says they wrapped the hair samples in silver capsules, then heated them until they turn into a gas. I guess they put the gas into a machine, then that machine turns it into numbers. The numbers don't mean anything until they're compared with maps showin' where the chemical elements in Baby Doe's teeth and hair would most likely be found."

"Okay, and?" Amanda prompted him again, trying to avoid actually having to read the scientific gibberish herself.

"Basically, they told us stuff Warner's office already found: that she had spent some of her life in 'other east coast states,'" Fin concluded bluntly.

She slumped in her chair, defeated. "Damnit."

"Glad the city spent three grand on that garbage," Sonny mumbled as he walked away to go to the break room.

Rubbing the back of her neck with her palm, she sighed. Liv wasn't going to be happy; Chief Dodds would be even less thrilled. She reached for her phone to text her lieutenant, but it rang in her hand. She recognized the number as Jesse's school.

"Hello?" she answered.

"Hi, Amanda? This is Kate from Queensview," a woman's voice replied.

"Oh, hey, Kate." She balanced the phone between her ear and shoulder as she resumed searching for medication. "What's up?"

"I'm going to guess you're at work so I'm sorry to bother you, but uh, there's been a little incident," Kate explained.

Amanda froze. "An incident? Is Jesse okay?"

"Yeah," she told her tentatively. "But... she punched a boy in her after school program on the playground."

"What?!" she blurted, shocked. "She did _what?_ "

"I didn't see what happened, but there was some kind of disagreement," Kate told her. "Ben said Jesse started it, Jesse said he did. She wouldn't talk to anybody. Since it was the end of the day anyway, Audrey took her home a minute ago and I told her I'd let you know."

"Oh my God, I can't believe this." Amanda caught Fin's eye; he looked confused. "Is he okay?"

"Ben's got quite the bruise beginning on his face but he's okay. Nothing serious," Kate insisted.

"I am so sorry," Amanda moaned, both embarrassed and concerned. "I, well, her father and I will be home soon and we're gonna give her a talkin' to."

"Do you think you could bring her in tomorrow morning? We can all meet to make sure that everybody is gonna get along."

"Of course. Yeah. Absolutely," she agreed anxiously. "Thanks, Kate."

When she hung up, she tilted her head back and closed her eyes, momentarily overwhelmed. She dragged her fingers through her hair with a groan.

"What happened?" Fin asked curiously.

"Jesse punched some kid in her after school program," she told him weakly as she blinked him into focus.

Fin raised his eyebrows, looking amused. "Good thing she doesn't have your squirrel gun."

* * *

"Jesse! Get down here," Sonny hollered at the base of the stairs. Amanda stood beside him, arms crossed over her chest, Luca holding onto her leg.

Holding Fluffy, Jesse slowly made her descent. Her brown eyes were wide with fear.

Looking stern, Sonny pointed at the living room couch. "Sit."

She put the cat down gently, padded into the other room and obediently sat down on the sofa.

"What happened between you and Ben today?" Amanda demanded once she was standing in front of her daughter. Luca followed her, and she picked him up even though her attention was focused elsewhere.

Jesse shrugged and avoided her mother's eyes. "I dunno."

"You don't know?" she repeated incredulously.

"Miss Kate said you punched him. Are you callin' Miss Kate a liar?" Sonny asked dryly.

"No..." Jesse said.

"So, you punched Ben. Why would you do something like that?" Amanda exploded. "You are going into kindergarten in four months, you're a big girl and you need to act like one."

"He was being annoying," the five-year-old whined.

"Well, guess what? You got a long life of boys being annoying and you can't deal with it by punching them," she snapped.

"He said dumb stuff!" Jesse insisted.

Sonny sighed. "What kind of dumb stuff?"

She wriggled around in her seat. "He said, he said that his dad said that police officers are stupid and don't know anything," she told them hurriedly. The little girl looked between the two of them. "You know lots of things."

Amanda and Sonny blinked at her, then glanced at one another, both temporarily speechless.

"So I punched him and he cried like a big baby," Jesse concluded proudly.

Sonny sat down next to her. "Jesse, sweetheart. I understand what you were tryin' to do but, you went about it the wrong way," he explained gently. "You should have walked away."

"Miss Kate said that too," the little girl mumbled.

He nodded. "She's a smart lady."

"Uh huh."

"You know that in this family we don't hit people. Ever," Amanda said, still standing with Luca on her hip. "That is not how we solve problems."

"Yes, mama," Jesse responded quietly, looking down at her lap.

"Maybe what Ben said wasn't so smart, but you still shouldn't have hit him," she continued.

"I know," Jesse grumbled.

"So tomorrow, you and me, we're gonna go into school and apologize to Ben. Understand?" Amanda concluded sternly.

Jesse nodded. "Yes."

"Now give me a hug and go up to your room, please," she told her daughter, her firm expression softening. "We'll call you for dinner."

The little girl got up, head bowed, and walked over to her mother. Amanda crouched down and hugged her, smoothing a hand over her head before standing upright again to allow her to continue to the stairs.

"Bye-bye!" Luca called, waving his hand at his sister.

"Mama?" Jesse said suddenly.

Amanda turned around. "Yeah?"

"Are you going to go back to work now?" she asked timidly.

A jolt of guilt squeezed at her heart. "No, I'm not."

"Okay." With that, Jesse disappeared up the stairs.

Still carrying Luca, she walked into the kitchen and popped the cork out of a wine bottle one-handed. She dumped the dark red liquid into the nearest clean glass.

"Juice!" her son chirped, grabbing at her cup.

"Ah, no, mama's juice," Amanda scolded him, holding the wine out of his reach. "And she really, really needs it."


	13. Chapter 13

_would you be mine forever / just in case it exists?_

* * *

With Luca clinging to her fingers for stability, Amanda made her way downstairs on Sunday morning, matching her son's slow, deliberate steps. In his free hand, he held a plastic SWAT van - one of several police vehicles Fin had gotten him for his birthday months ago. The moment he was at the base of the steps, he dropped onto his knees to roll the van toward Sonny in the kitchen and crawled after it. Frannie appeared: she liked to chase his toys, and every now and then Amanda would hear Luca yell _doggy, no!_ to keep her from interrupting his game.

She pulled open the front door and picked up the heavy Sunday newspaper from the stoop. She sighed at another unflattering headline: _'Baby Doe' Saga Breaking Hearts of Millions in the U.S., Still Mystifies Authorities._ Walking back inside, she continued to read, _...Sergeant Amanda Rollins, lead detective in the investigation, has worked with the NYPD Special Victims Unit for seven years. Rollins, along with Lieutenant Olivia Benson, were last in the headlines when it was suspected that their children - both fatherless and of unknown origin - were obtained in exchange for helping covering up a child sex trafficking ring..._

"What the fuck is this fucking shit?" Amanda exclaimed angrily.

"That is a lot of 'fucks' for so early in the mornin'," Sonny mused as he dumped cream into his coffee mug.

"Read this shit!" She threw the paper across the island at him.

"Sit!" Luca repeated innocently in an obvious attempt to repeat his mother's curse word.

"Real nice," Sonny mumbled sarcastically, glancing up at her pointedly. His eyes suddenly grew wide as he read the article. "What the... wasn't that story redacted from that garbage website years ago? And how is it relevant now?"

"Uh, yeah, it was. That asshole in the park must have known about it." Leaning her elbows onto the island, she cradled her skull in her hands. Her fingers gripped at her hair. "God, I just. I'm not cut out for this, Sonny. I want to go back to just doin' my job and teaching Fin how to use the computer and... I don't know. Not this."

He sighed.

She stood up straight again. "It's just too much. Being in the paper, the attention, it's too much for me."

"You could tell Liv," Sonny suggested carefully, sliding a mug toward her.

Amanda reached for the coffee and took a sip. It was perfect: a little cream and one sugar. "She'll take me off the case."

"Well, yeah..."

"I wanna work the case. I just wanna do it without an audience."

"It's a little late for that, 'Manda. It's too big."

She sighed as she watched Luca navigate around their feet with his SWAT van. "You know, when I first came to SVU, I read up on all of Liv's casework-"

"Nerd," Sonny interjected with a smirk.

"-and I thought to myself, 'man, I can't wait to be like her, to have people reading about me.'" Luca drove his toy vehicle aggressively over her socked foot. "Ow, Luca!" she yelped, then shook her head. "But now... ugh. Fin went about it the right way: he took the Sergeant's exam but nothing has changed."

"Because he didn't want anything to change," he reminded her. "You did."

"Yeah, well, that was dumb," Amanda grumbled. "I don't know why you didn't talk me outta it."

"You aren't the best at takin' feedback. Plus, you _do_ want this, I know you do." Waggling his eyebrows and wearing a charming smile, Sonny added, "you get a real thrill outta readin' all my DD-5's."

She rolled her eyes. "Why don't you take the exam?"

He snorted. "Uh, no."

"Why not? You love studying," Amanda challenged him.

"I do not _love_ studying," Sonny scoffed. "Besides, it's about more than studying. I'm not good at delegatin'. I mean, I've thought about it, and I'll do it someday but... not now. Now, things are good the way they are. It works, you bossin' me and Fin around..." He paused thoughtfully. "Although, now that I consider it, you did that way before you were ever a sergeant..."

* * *

In the bathroom alone, Amanda paced. She could hear Jesse pounding up and down the stairs, the jingle of Frannie's collar as she trotted behind her and the muffled sound of Sonny pulling dishware from the kitchen cabinets. Everybody assumed she was finishing getting ready for work, and she was, but she was doing something else, too.

When her phone alarm buzzed, she paused. She looked down at the counter top.

One line.

Not pregnant.

All those fancy ultrasounds and screenings hadn't indicated a single structural abnormality. There was no explanation for her miscarriage and no reason she couldn't get pregnant once more. She was finally feeling like herself, finally beginning to trust her body again, but maybe she had gotten her hopes up too soon. Amanda thought about about mentioning the test to Sonny, but then she figured - why should _both_ of them feel disappointed? Instead, she simply threw it into the trash and walked away.

* * *

Bella had gone into labor in the middle of the night. Amanda's phone lit up through out the evening with updates via a group text message; eventually she turned the device over to hide the screen so she could get some semblance of rest. Maybe she should have been more involved with her sister-in-law, but every time Amanda typed out a message to send, she deleted it because the words felt stilted and disingenuous. She was happy for Bella, but also incredibly resentful. The last thing Amanda needed was the Carisi family suspecting she was unstable, or worse - jealous.

At six in the morning, Bella gave birth to a healthy baby boy named Gabriel. After work, Amanda and Sonny went to Bellevue to meet him. Truthfully, it was the very last place she wanted to go after a long day, and not just because she was tired. In the maternity ward, they found Bella sitting up in her bed, Tommy at her side and Gabriel in her arms. She looked exhausted but happy; she was wearing the wide, familiar Carisi smile that crinkled the corners of her eyes. Hovering around her, they all exchanged hugs, congratulations and loving glances down at the baby.

"Wanna hold him?" Bella offered Amanda.

Amanda did, actually, surprisingly. Maybe she was a glutton for punishment, or maybe holding a baby was just a nice thing to do after weeks of investigating tragedy - both personal and professional. "Yeah, sure."

She sat gingerly at the edge of the bed so Bella could pass her the warm bundle of swaddled blanket. Holding him close, she looked down at the little human in her arms: he was chubby and pink, one tiny hand free from his wrappings. When Amanda reached over to touch him, his fingers curled automatically around one of hers. She ran a thumb over Gabriel's small digits, his skin smooth and soft. His nose wriggled before he yawned contentedly. "He's beautiful," she breathed, eyes focused intently on the sleeping newborn.

"He came out screamin'. He was so loud I thought he was gonna break glass," Bella told her proudly.

"He just wanted to make sure that everybody knew he'd arrived. Didn't you, baby?" Amanda cooed at the infant, giving his hand a gentle squeeze.

"Anybody want coffee? I'm gonna get some coffee," Sonny announced abruptly.

The three of them looked up at him just as he slipped out the door. Amanda didn't dare meet Bella or Tommy's eyes, because she knew what she would see there: pity. Instead, she peered back down at Gabriel.

Bella began to stammer awkwardly, "I hope this isn't... I know that this must be... well, I really wanted you guys-"

"Don't worry about it," Amanda interrupted her, to put her out of her misery. She unnecessarily but gently adjusted Gabriel's blue hat. She continued easily, "we would have been here sooner but, you know. With this case..."

"Yeah, I know..." Bella didn't seem convinced.

"I'm glad everything went okay. He really is perfect." Even as the words left her mouth, Amanda could feel envy squeezing at her insides. She wanted to be in Bella's place. She wanted to be exhausted and sore with a tiny new life in her arms. She wanted to be fussing over her son's little outfits and waking up every hour to feed him. Instead she was just a visitor, a relative, and she would leave the hospital as empty-handed as she had arrived.

"Thanks," her sister-in-law murmured sheepishly. "I hope Angelina gets along with him."

"She will. Don't worry." Amanda carefully and reluctantly handed the newborn back to his mother. "I'm gonna go help your brother. You need anything?"

Bella shook her head. "Nah, I'm good."

"Be right back," she promised before she left the room.

The hour was strange, so the cavernous cafeteria was mostly empty except for lingering staff. It was easy to spot Sonny at a table by himself, hands clasped on the surface, staring absently out of one of the big windows. Amanda quietly approached, then slipped into the chair across from him.

"Where's the coffee?" she asked curiously, even though she already knew the answer.

"I didn't get any," Sonny admitted sheepishly.

Resting an elbow on the table, she set her chin in her palm and studied him. "You okay?"

"I'm fine," he insisted.

She gave him a small, knowing grin. "Don't go all Rollins on me, huh?"

A smile flickered across his features before he turned serious again. "This is just kind of... a bummer."

"Yeah, it is," Amanda agreed quietly.

"I feel kinda guilty. It's not that I'm not happy for her, I am, it's just weird," he explained.

Taking her chin out of her palm, she reached across the table and squeezed his hand instead. "I think she feels weird about it too, she just doesn't know how to say it. I mean, I can't blame her. Even we don't know how to say it."

Sonny sighed. "I should talk to her. I don't want her to worry."

Amanda shook her head. "Not now. Don't mention it now. Just... say hi to Gabriel and then we'll get a beer."

* * *

When they crawled into bed that night, Amanda settled her head on Sonny's chest. His arm slid beneath her shoulders, accommodating her. A knee bent over his and a palm on his abdomen, she felt him pull in a deep breath before exhaling.

"We have a good life," Sonny said quietly, earnestly.

"Of course we do," she whispered.

"Sometimes I just, I gotta say that sort of stuff out loud, as a reminder," he admitted.

Lifting her head slightly, she placed a kiss against his chest before settling back down again. "Love you."

"Love you," he murmured.

Closing her eyes, Amanda tried to relax. She wasn't typically one for cuddling in bed: she found it hard to sleep soundly with their limbs all tangled together. That night was different. Maybe it was seeing the baby, or maybe it was the realization that Sonny hurt more than he let on, but Amanda simply wanted to be close to him. She knew the Baby Doe case wasn't helping matters either; he was working just as hard as she was. Consumed by the most grim of subject matters, sometimes the quiet moments they shared in the dark were more effective than therapy.

In the next room, she heard a _thud_ followed by the sharp sound of Luca's distinct wailing. Amanda eyes flew open, startled, and she threw off the covers to jump out of bed. Sonny was close behind her, both of them bursting into the fifteen-month-old's room to find him sitting on the floor next to his crib. Red-faced and crying in blue dinosaur pajamas, his arms were extended upward, reaching for one of his parents.

Shocked, Amanda flew over to him, scooping Luca up into her arms."Oh my God, Luca! What the, what did you do? How did you get out of your crib?"

Sonny flipped on the light and looked around the room, confused. He peered into the crib. "Did you climb outta there? How the hell did you manage that?"

Now that she could see, she soothed a hand over Luca's head. There was a red lump forming on his forehead. "Oh, no, he's gonna have a bruise..." she moaned.

Sonny leaned down to look at Luca with a smile and cupped his cheek with his hand. "You're alright, buddy, aren't ya? Just a little bump."

Luca's cries slowly dissolved into a wet sniffles. Despite his attempt at adventure, he had obviously both scared and hurt himself in the process. Amanda was frightened, too: Jesse had never escaped her crib, not even when she was almost two years old.

"Get his bear, huh? Let's take him into our room," Amanda suggested, her heartbeat beginning to slow.

He reached into Luca's crib to retrieve the well-loved stuffed animal. "I can't believe he managed to get out. I'm kinda impressed."

"He's taller than babies his age, that's the problem," she said as she walked into their bedroom.

"You bet he is. Can you say, 'college basketball scholarship?'" Sonny asked Luca brightly from behind Amanda.

"Sonny, c'mon. He could have really gotten himself into trouble..." she chided him as she sunk down onto their bed.

Sonny sighed. "Maybe I'll put the mattress on the floor, then the crib around it," he suggested. He turned on the light on his nightstand. "At least that way if he gets out, he won't fall..."

Leaning back against the headboard, Luca sat in her lap, the side of his wet face resting against Amanda's chest. He took his bear from Sonny when he joined them, pulling the animal close to his body.

Eyeing the ratty bear, Sonny remarked, "we gotta wash that thing."

"We?" she repeated skeptically.

"You."

"Uh huh."

Propping himself up on his arm, he leaned in to kiss her.

"No, dada." Luca shoved his hand in Sonny's face, stopping him halfway. "No."

"Hey, she was mine first," Sonny exclaimed with a chuckle. He tried again, inching over.

" _No_ , dada," Luca asserted.

This time he mouthed at Luca's outstretched hand, pretending to bite him, which prompted giggles from the baby.

Amanda tried to conceal her smile. "Don't get him all worked up, he'll never go back to sleep," she warned Sonny halfheartedly.

He flopped back down onto his side and gave Luca's foot a squeeze. "He's got all day to sleep. That's the best part about bein' a baby."

Normally, she would have launched into a lecture about how they had to get up in the morning, how much work they had to do, how she hadn't gotten more than five hours of sleep in weeks... but at that moment, none of that mattered. The world shrunk down to their room, to their bed, and nothing else had ever seemed so important. Sonny was right: despite their struggles, they had a good life.

* * *

Disney World sent her more e-mails than NYPD. Everything could be pre-planned, from dinner reservations to spots in line for rides and attractions. Amanda found it incredibly overwhelming; all she cared about was that they all made it to Florida in one piece at the end of June. She had never been to the park before - and truthfully, she had never imagined a life where she would have to go. Even though it wasn't her idea of a vacation, knowing how excited it made her daughter was worth it. Sitting at her desk that afternoon, she clicked through the latest messages, most of them urging her to spend more money. Did Jesse _really_ need a princess makeover for two hundred dollars?

"'Scuse me, Sergeant?"

Amanda looked up from her laptop. Officer Murray, a young rookie cop would had been helping to work the tip line (and eagerly taking on any other task Amanda bestowed upon him), was hovering over her desk. "Hm?"

"Um, something kinda weird," Murray began. "I've got it on hold but um, I just got an automatic call from Rikers, asking me if I'll accept a call from an inmate."

She furrowed her brow. "On the tip line?"

"Yeah," he nodded.

Amanda sighed. "Accept it, I guess. It's probably some guy bored out of his mind, looking for a thrill."

"Okay."

She looked back at her computer once Murray was gone. Was alcohol allowed in Disney World? She probably should have considered that sooner, before she had booked the trip. If it wasn't, maybe they could smuggle it in...

"Sergeant?" Murray said again, reappearing at her side.

"Yeah?" she responded distractedly.

"He wants to talk to somebody in charge," Murray explained.

"Oh, lord," she grumbled, standing up and following him back to his desk. She picked up the phone, took it off hold and cradled it between her ear and shoulder. "This is Sergeant Rollins."

"Uh, hi. I know who that little girl you found at the Eleventh Street Basin is," a male voice on the other line said.

Amanda raised her eyebrows, skeptical. "You do? Who is it?"

"She's my daughter," he replied.

"Excuse me?" she scoffed. "Who is this?"

"My name is Adam Wheeler. She's my daughter," he repeated. "I never met her, but she's my daughter."

She chewed the inside of her cheek. "How do you know that, if you never met her?"

"My ex-girlfriend, Ayla, is her mother. I've been in here for three years, I've only ever talked to Casey on the phone."

"Casey?"

"That's my daughter's name-"

"Hold up. How do you know this is Casey? And where is Ayla?"

"The picture you cops put on TV looks nothing like her but I know it's her. Uh, Ayla came to visit me a week ago. Y'see, she's with another guy but we've known each other since high school and... yeah. We're really close. She visits."

"And?"

"She told me. She told me that she and her boyfriend, they killed Casey."

The blood in Amanda's veins went cold. "She told you that?"

"Yeah," he said. "She said it was an accident."

"What's Ayla's last name?" she demanded, trying to keep the excited tremor out of her voice. Waving her hand wildly, she got Sonny and Fin's attention. "Where does she live?"

"Alya Turner. I don't know where she lives anymore, she moves around so much... she's using heroin, sellin' herself..." Adam explained sheepishly. "I know she lives with her boyfriend, Mike Shaffer, somewhere in the Bronx."

Amanda frantically scribbled the names onto a notepad. She tore off the sheet and thrust it at Sonny, who took it readily from her hand. "She told you all this a week ago?"

"Yeah. I've been rackin' my brain, trying to decide what to do. I didn't wanna be a rat. Ayla's my girl but, Casey... Casey's my daughter. Even though I haven't met her, she's still my daughter," Adam told her quietly.

"Did she tell you anything else?" she asked anxiously.

"I just asked her how Casey was doin', and she told me that there was an accident. So I asked her, 'what kinda accident?' And she said she was dead, but that they hadn't meant to hurt her."

"Okay. And you... you're at Rikers?"

"Yeah. I'm here on a drug distribution charge, five years. Not proud of it-"

 _"This call will end in one minute,"_ an automatic voice interrupted.

"Ah, shit. I, okay, we're gonna follow up on this right away," Amanda said quickly. "Right now."

"Okay. Okay, yeah, good," Adam replied tentatively.

"We'll be in touch," she assured him before hanging up.

Sonny came rushing over to her, notepad in hand. "Ayla Turner, thirty one years old. According to our records, she's got a history of multiple arrests for drug possession and prostitution. Got four reports here about complaints that she was neglectin' her daughter... looks like the Department of Social Services opened two neglect cases on her, but they're closed now." He added grimly, "Ayla's also got two other kids, but her rights to them were terminated. They're in the foster care system. The last address we have is an apartment in Hell's Kitchen."

"Michael Shaffer, thirty five years old," Fin went on, standing next to Sonny. "He's got a buncha drug charges and two for domestic violence. Last one was six months ago, report says both Shaffer and Turner were arrested after he punched her in the face and she stabbed him in the arm with a kitchen knife."

"Where?" Amanda and Sonny asked in unison.

Fin was already getting his coat. "The Bronx. 537 East 139th Street."


	14. Chapter 14

_I'd rather be a lover than a fighter / 'cause all my life I've been fighting_

* * *

Ayla Turner was a mess. Her dark hair was disheveled and stringy; she must not have washed it for a week or two. Her brown eyes were big but hollow, sunken in against sallow, pocked skin. Somehow she looked both very old and very young simultaneously, aged by her drug use but scared enough to appear child-like. Separated from her boyfriend and alone in an interrogation room, she tugged at the sleeves of her too-big sweatshirt. As Amanda watched her through the glass, she assumed Ayla was nervously trying to cover up track marks, but her efforts were futile: she had them between her fingers, too.

"Without her boyfriend breathing down her neck, she'll talk," Liv murmured to Amanda as they eyed Ayla from her office. "I want a DNA sample ASAP."

"This Michael dude looks pretty comfortable in there," Sonny observed from the other side of the room, peering in on Ayla's boyfriend.

"Let's shake him up a little," Fin suggested to Sonny. "See if he talks."

While Fin and Sonny went in to interrogate Michael, Amanda slid into a metal chair across from Ayla. She crossed her arms and leaned back, watching the woman fidget in silence. She could be pretty, if she took care of herself, Amanda thought. She reminded her a little of Kim, when her sister was at her worst: a mere shell of a human being. "You know an Adam Wheeler?"

Ayla gnawed on a thumb nail; there were remnants of lime green polish there. "Yeah," she responded hoarsely. "He's my ex-boyfriend."

Amanda sat up straighter before she leaned over the table. "Any reason why he'd call me from jail and tell me you killed your kid?"

She nodded in response, but didn't say anything.

Amanda was surprised. Usually people were passionately defending themselves at this point, even if they were guilty - _especially_ when they were guilty. Ayla looked skittish, but she hadn't protested, not even when they had brought her into the precinct from her hovel of a walk-up. Her boyfriend's behavior had been more typical: he was brash, loud and insulting the entire ride into Manhattan. Amanda almost felt badly for Ayla; she had taken the word of a faceless Rikers inmate and this could all turn out to be a mistake. The woman's life had clearly been rough and Michael was definitely an asshole, but that didn't make either of them killers. Still, Amanda had to do her due diligence.

"Why would he do that?" she prompted Ayla.

Ayla looked at the table. "Because... because that's what I told him."

"You told him you killed your daughter?" Amanda clarified slowly.

She nodded.

"Did you?"

"Yes."

The word was quiet, but it rang though out the interrogation room. Amanda could feel her heartbeat quickening in anticipation. She hadn't really expected this lead to go anywhere, but now she could be staring her perpetrator in the face.

"What did you do?" she asked Ayla.

"I, um. Okay. Casey was havin' trouble going to bed. She kept screamin' and cryin'... I tried to calm her down but she wouldn't listen to me. I swore at her, I did, but I only hit her one time!" she babbled frantically. "I was sick, you know? I was so sick, I hadn't... I didn't have any money for... stuff and I was feelin' bad and it was hard to listen to her being so loud. And she's always been that way. Since she was born, she's been so hard. If I told her to do one thing, she'd do the opposite. She was always hanging on me, following me, wanting stuff." She was nearly breathless; she looked more irritated than guilty. The expression she gave Amanda was one of pleading, as if she was desperate for some sympathy. "So that night, she was really bad. I couldn't do it. So Mike says, he says, 'let me try.' So I left the room and let him try."

"Then what happened?"

"When I went back in... she was all swollen and gray." She briefly met Amanda's eyes, then they flickered back down to the table. "I freaked out, I... I started panickin'. Mike said if I called the police he'd murder me-"

"What did Michael do?" Amanda interrupted her.

"He said he punched Casey in the stomach a few times, that she was being too difficult and that she had always been a bad kid. And I wanted to call 9-1-1, but he said 'no.' So I..."

"You what?"

"I didn't want to get in trouble," Ayla cried. "I-I didn't know what to do. I wrapped her up and... I put her in a trash bag and put her in the extra refrigerator we have in the basement."

Amanda's anticipation was replaced by a steadily growing anger. She had heard people admit to plenty of terrible things over the years as a police officer, but this struck a raw, painful nerve. It was quickly becoming difficult to keep up her usual stoic facade. "You put her in the _refrigerator?_ "

"Yes. And then I, well, I had this bigger bag..." she went on meekly. "I didn't know what else to do, so I put her in that. Michael had the idea of putting a couple of weights in it and putting it in the water..."

"And... and you did this four weeks ago," she intoned.

Ayla nodded.

She sat up straight again. "Let me be clear," she began, her voice louder than before. "You and your boyfriend beat your three and a half year old to death because you were annoyed and dope sick-"

Ayla's eyes widened. "You make it sound like-"

"I'm not 'making it sound like' anything!" Amanda slammed her hand against the table as she leapt to her feet, making Ayla jump in her chair. She glared at the younger woman. She barely knew her, but she hated her. It was sudden and it was fierce, but Amanda was livid. "You killed your daughter, kept her in your refrigerator, wrapped her up in a trash bag and tossed her in the East River! And for four weeks - four _fucking_ weeks! - while the entire city was wondering who this little girl was, how they could put her to rest properly, you knew. You knew that was your daughter. You knew exactly what you had done."

Somebody in Liv's office knocked forcefully on the glass, signaling that she should stop. Amanda heard it, but she had no intention of acknowledging it. The jealous rage bubbling up inside of her was too prominent; she was going to act on it. It was only a matter of time.

"I didn't mean-"

Amanda got up and walked to Ayla's side of the table. "No," she interrupted her loudly. "You had two other kids and you threw them away, didn't you, Ayla? Lucky for them, they made it out alive. That must've been nice, right? Bein' able to do drugs and screw around without having to worry about them crying and wanting to be fed. Except then you had Casey and she messed everything up for you," she continued menacingly. Palms pressed against the cold metal, Amanda loomed over her, crowding closer and closer into Ayla's side. "You had Casey and you didn't even fucking deserve her. Do you realize that? You didn't deserve her, you didn't deserve any of them. You are so fucking _selfish!_ " Her last word was punctuated by her hand colliding with Ayla's thin shoulder, shoving her. It felt good. Her resentment was powerful and this young, careless mother was the perfect target. She could have knocked Ayla right off of her chair, could have pummeled her until she looked worse than she did when she came in...

Ayla winced at the blow and curled her arms up close to her face and body, trembling. "Please don't hurt me. Please."

The door to the interrogation room burst open. Liv appeared, wide-eyed and angry. "Rollins!"

Chest heaving, Amanda stared at her lieutenant, the sight of her jarring her back into reality. She could feel her face growing hot as her mouth hung open, unable to speak. Had she really just done that? Had she really just attacked a suspect - a very important suspect - in front of Liv? How could she have let herself get so out of control?

"My office, now!" Liv barked.

Still appearing as stunned as she felt, Amanda's legs carried her out of the interrogation room and into the office. She was horrified to find Chief Dodds standing by Liv's desk, arms crossed and face stern. The color that had rose to her cheeks now drained away and she stopped, frozen, in the middle of the room.

"What the hell were you thinking, Sergeant?" Dodds exclaimed angrily.

"I, uh, I..." she stammered uselessly, scraping her tremulous fingers through her hair.

"Is this how you allow your detectives to interrogate people, Lieutenant?" he demanded the second Liv returned.

"No. Absolutely not," Liv responded irritably. "Rollins, you are _way_ out of line. As of now, you're on leave till I say you aren't."

Amanda swallowed thickly. All she could do was nod quickly, wordlessly, and slip out of the door.

* * *

"'Manda?"

She heard Sonny's voice in their bedroom. Covered head-to-toe in sheets and blankets, Amanda opened her eyes in the dark. She made a low noise of acknowledgement but didn't move from her position curled up on her side.

She felt his weight shift the mattress as he sat next to her. "'Manda, hey, I've been really worried about you." His hand rested on her hip. "I texted you ten times, so did Fin."

"My phone's off," she mumbled.

"What the hell happened today?" Sonny asked her anxiously. "Fin and I were with the boyfriend for an hour and when I came out, Liv wouldn't tell me anything. "

Amanda flung the covers away from her face and stared up at the ceiling. It was only eight thirty at night, but once she had put Jesse to bed, she had immediately retreated to her own. The room was illuminated only by the small lamp on their dresser, but Amanda wasn't trying to sleep. Any attempt at rest would have been futile - her head was spinning and her heart was racing. "I just... lost it."

"What do you mean?" he coaxed, shifting closer to her.

She could feel it: she was going to cry. She was angry, embarrassed, afraid. Blinking quickly, she tried to fight it, but the muscles in her cheeks were twitching and her lip was trembling. She put her palms over her face and screwed her eyes shut in an attempt to keep herself together.

Sonny reached out to squeeze her arm. "Hey, it's alright," he assured her quietly. "Talk to me."

Pulling in a deep breath, she dropped her hands back down at her side. Looking over at Sonny, she could tell he was worried. He always wore his concern all over his face. "I fucked up. I just, I couldn't take it. I got so... I got so fucking angry at her."

"Okay..." His hand soothed slowly up and down her arm. "What happened?"

"She was just, she was talking about what she did and I just kept thinking about how unfair it was." It sounded so juvenile, so petty, as it came out of her mouth.

"To her daughter, you mean?" Sonny clarified.

"Yeah but... but more than that," Amanda admitted softly. She blinked back up at the ceiling. "It's not fair that she gets to have three kids that she treats like shit, that have to be kicked around the foster system, that don't get to _live_... when there are plenty of people who want kids and can't have them or..." _This felt personal_ , she was trying to say. _I made it about me._

There was heaviness in Sonny's tone. "Amanda..."

"I shoved her. I don't know what I was thinkin'. I wasn't, I guess." She glanced over at Sonny and asked timidly, "is she... okay?"

"She's fine. She was arrested as an accessory to murder and is withdrawin' from heroin at Rikers, but other than that, she's fine," he explained sarcastically. "We sent cadaver dogs to her apartment - they signaled at the extra refrigerator, just like she confessed."

Amanda nodded. "Liv suspended me," she whispered.

He cringed. "For how long?"

"I dunno. And... when I came outta the box, Dodds was there."

"Did he see?"

"Pretty sure he did, yeah."

"That's... that's bad."

"I didn't mean to," Amanda croaked. "I swear. I didn't go in there plannin' on doing that to her..."

"I know you didn't. I know," he insisted.

"I've never done that before. I mean, I've come really close, but I've never actually done it."

"You lost your cool. It happens. I almost broke that dog of a dentist's hand a few years ago, remember?"

"But Liv and Dodds weren't watching when that happened."

"No... but, look. You'll talk to Liv and you'll explain. She'll understand."

"I'm so tired of bein' like, the bad kid in the principal's office with her. I know in the past I've done stupid stuff and I've even defended whatever dumb shit I did. But this..." She struggled to sit up and looked at Sonny desperately, like it was him she was trying to convince. "I really didn't mean it. You were right: I got way too invested and..."

"And?"

"And..." Amanda slumped back against the headboard and frowned at Sonny. "You know," she eventually whispered, hoping he would understand what she was implying: that she thought she had been fine, but clearly her lingering grief over her miscarriage had fueled her explosive reaction.

Sonny nodded solemnly. "I know."

* * *

Two days at home and Amanda was going stir-crazy. By the time Sonny returned from work, she peppered him with questions, desperate to know what was happening in her absence. He claimed ignorance: Liv hadn't spoken to him about Amanda's suspension. All he could tell her was that the case was going on as it usually would, with Ayla and Michael in custody and Barba now intensely involved. The media coverage was non-stop, all of the news outlets frantically delving into the pasts of their two perpetrators, looking for any bit of information to publish before their competitors. Instead of being at the forefront of the excitement, Amanda had earned herself a frustrating position on the sidelines.

She didn't know how long she would be grounded and that made her nervous. She could endure being bored for a little while, but only if she was certain her job was secure. Amanda was sure she had never seen Liv look so angry - and God, had she pissed her lieutenant off before. The expressions on her superiors' faces, that was what was keeping her up at night. Maybe Liv was tired of giving her chances. Maybe this time, she thought Amanda to be more of a liability than an asset. She had never been sure that Dodds had liked her; now he definitely wouldn't.

Sitting close to Sonny on the couch that night, her legs draped over his lap, Amanda tried to distract herself. _Worryin' about it isn't gonna change the outcome_ , Sonny kept preaching to her. It wasn't, but she was a consummate over-thinker. In an effort to maintain normalcy, they shared popcorn as they watched television. Both children were successfully asleep as rain tapped against the windows of their little yellow house.

"How d'you think they select the ingredients on Chopped?" Amanda asked curiously as she picked at the contents of the bowl Sonny had set on her knee.

"I dunno. I'd like that job, though," Sonny mused.

She rested her head against his shoulder. "Wouldn't you run out of ideas?"

"Nah, not if it was my whole job to think of stuff," he reasoned, crunching on some popcorn.

"You should be a contestant," she murmured, reaching in for another handful. "I'd like to see you try and make everything Italian."

The doorbell rang and Amanda and Sonny glanced at one another, confused. Frannie trotted to the front of the house, tail wagging and ears back.

"I'll get it," Sonny offered, untangling their limbs to get to his feet.

Amanda curled back up in his absence, taking hold of the bowl of popcorn. She watched the television with feigned interest, but was almost immediately distracted by the sight of Liv standing in her living room next to Sonny.

Taken aback, she sat up straight and put the bowl on the coffee table. "Liv, hi."

"Hi... okay if I sit?" she asked, looking between the two detectives.

"Yeah, of course," Amanda said, gesturing to the arm chair closest to the couch. Sonny sank back down next to her.

"What's goin' on?" Sonny asked Liv curiously.

Liv looked at Amanda intently as she informed her quietly, "I need to let you know that I'm going to have to report you to IAB."

"What?" Amanda sputtered, her eyes wide with shock.

"I'm sorry, but I have no choice," Liv said steadily.

She sat on the edge of the couch, anxious. "You don't have to do that-"

"I have no choice."

"You do have a choice!"

"No, Amanda, I don't. Even if Dodds hadn't been there, it would still be protocol. Now, I'm going to do my best to keep this out of the media..."

Amanda's mouth fell open. "I just got a little pissed off, Liv. Everyone's done it, everybody has overreacted in there-"

"That doesn't mean I can turn a blind eye to it, and that doesn't mean it's okay, especially when a case has this much publicity," Liv interrupted.

"Liv, I am beggin' you. Please don't tell IAB," she pleaded desperately. She was starting to grow nauseous with dread. "They're gonna crucify me, with my file..."

Sonny finally spoke from his spot at Amanda's side, his voice low but strained, "Lieu, isn't there any other-"

"Carisi, you have to stay out of this," Liv ordered harshly. "You shouldn't even be here for this conversation."

"Yeah, well, this is my house and she's my wife," Sonny retorted sharply.

If she hadn't been shocked before, Amanda certainly was now. Sonny typically had so much reverence for Liv; he never challenged her. His tone of voice was irritable, defensive, and she was sure their lieutenant wouldn't appreciate it. "Sonny, leave it. Stop," Amanda whispered feebly, setting a hand on his knee.

Liv cleared her throat. "I came by as a courtesy," she told Amanda curtly. "I didn't want them to contact you without a heads up."

"Thanks," she mumbled insincerely, tucking her hair behind her ears.

"Amanda," Liv sighed, rubbing at her forehead like she was exasperated. "I'm not trying to make your life difficult. It's not like you're the first person this has happened to. God knows Amaro used to spend more time at IAB than Tucker."

She caught herself glaring at her lieutenant, her features turning to stone. "Me and him aren't the same," she asserted icily.

"I'm not saying you are. I'm just telling you, you aren't the first and you won't be the last. It's happened to me, too."

That did not make Amanda feel better. "When can I come back?" she asked brusquely.

"I don't get to decide that. IAB does," she explained, then added quickly, "you have to understand that with all of the press around this case, the last thing we need is Ayla crying 'police brutality' to them-"

"I get it, you're coverin' your ass, making sure everybody knows you're doing your job," Amanda mumbled cynically.

Liv sighed. "Don't make this personal, Amanda. I know you didn't mean to do it."

"If you know it, then why are you taking it this far? To make sure your job is safe if shit hits the fan, even if it means mine is in jeopardy?" she snapped.

The lieutenant got to her feet. She looked exhausted. "Protocol is protocol."

"Fine." Amanda crossed her arms over her chest and stared coldly at Liv. "You can go now."

* * *

Legs crossed, Amanda jiggled her foot impatiently as she sat in a stark white room at the Internal Affairs Bureau offices. They had asked her to meet two days after Liv informed her that she would be making a report. Amanda was glad it happened sooner rather than later, so she didn't have to spend weeks dreading an impending interview.

When the door finally opened, Sergeant Cole Draper appeared. In one hand he held a file folder, in the other, a small camera. "Rollins, long time no see."

She couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic or not; she grunted.

"So," Draper sighed, sitting in his chair and flipping open the folder. His eyes scanned over the documents there before he looked up at Amanda. "You know the drill by now."

Amanda crossed her arms over her chest.

Draper turned on the camera that now rested on the table between them. "Tell me what happened last week."

She looked at the camera, then at Draper, then at a spot on the wall behind his head. "I was interrogating a suspect and things got out of hand."

"Out of hand?" Draper repeated skeptically.

"I got a little too... involved," Amanda told him vaguely.

"You need to be specific," he reminded her.

"I shoved her," she snapped. "I overreacted to the details of her confession and I shoved her shoulder. I regret doing it. It was a mistake."

"Do you understand how inappropriate that was?" Draper scoffed.

"I do," she said quietly.

He eyed her. "Detective-"

"Sergeant," Amanda corrected him.

"Sergeant, I'm sure you're aware that your record isn't exactly spotless," Draper explained.

"Yeah."

"I'm also sure you're aware that this case has received nationwide attention."

"Yes."

"That being said, I'm inclined to put you on administrative leave for the next month."

"What?" she exclaimed incredulously, hoping she had misheard.

"If this gets out to the press, I have to be able to show them that we've taken action," her responded coolly.

"'Taken action?'" she repeated with a crass laugh. "Are you... are you kidding me?"

"Calm down, Detect-"

"Sergeant!" she repeated loudly, getting to her feet. "Let me tell you somethin': I came here from Atlanta seven years ago and have given everything to NYPD. I have... I've, I've put it before my kids, my marriage, my... everything! I do the work of three detectives every damn day and I do it well. So if you wanna suspend one of your best officers and have some rookie take my place for a month, fine. Make an example outta me because I got emotionally involved, go ahead. But I promise you, the only thing that's gonna suffer is SVU and the people I protect and serve." She stalked over to the door and yanked it open. "It sure as hell isn't gonna be me."

"Where do you think you're going? This interview isn't over," Draper exclaimed, jumping to his feet.

"It is now," she told him curtly before boldly walking away.


	15. Chapter 15

_my baby's fly like a jet stream / high above the whole scene / loves me like I'm brand new_

* * *

 **March, five years earlier.**

Sonny made his way down the sidewalk, hunched over in his coat against the biting winter wind. He couldn't believe he had just spent three hours of his life on a date with his law school classmate - and every minute had been a special kind of torture. He had asked Lindsey out impulsively last week, after their study group had disbanded and they were alone in the library together. Attractive and intelligent, Sonny had assumed she would most likely reject him with the typical 'I have a boyfriend' excuse, but instead, she agreed. It was only over dinner that Sonny discovered that Lindsey's looks didn't make up for her intensely self-centered personality. By his second glass of wine, he had stopped listening to her. By his third, he texted Amanda while Lindsey was in the bathroom: _You up?_

She was, in fact, up. Amanda was awake more often than not; an infant required that of a person. Since Jesse had been born, Sonny spent an abnormal amount of time at Amanda's apartment. At first it was because he felt like he could be useful - her mother had abandoned her right when she needed her the most - but now it was more than that. Now, Sonny just liked being there. With her. For the past few months, they had spent many nights on her couch, talking, watching television and eating, tending to sweet little Jesse in between. In addition to being an extra set of hands, he was also her inside source: Amanda was still on maternity leave and wanted to be kept updated about what was happening at SVU. She pretended like her hiatus from the squad was slowly killing her, but Sonny knew that the time she had with Jesse was precious to her. Sometimes when he was at work, Amanda would text him photos or videos of the baby and he would smile privately, like Jesse was something he could be proud of, too.

The word 'crush' was juvenile, but that was sort of what his insides felt like whenever he was around Amanda - as if all of his organs were squeezing and twisting at the mere sight of her. Sonny had been quietly enamored with the blonde for at least a year. At first, Amanda had been abrasive and standoffish with him. Back then he assumed she wanted to make sure that he knew his place as the newest SVU detective. Even so, he kept talking to her, kept maintaining a sincere interest in her life, and one day things shifted. No, she wasn't warm and fuzzy; Sonny eventually learned that Amanda's heart was big but scarred by a difficult past. She was a lot of other things, though: passionate, funny, clever as hell...

Now things were different. They amount of time they spent together had less to do with Jesse and more to do with their genuine desire to be around one another. Sonny didn't know when _that_ changed, but now Amanda Rollins knew more about his life than his own family did - and he knew a whole lot about hers, too. It just _happened._ He made her dinner, she finished the crossword puzzles he couldn't. He would text her about cases or recall some ridiculous Fin anecdote, she would call him and ask _hey, how's your day?_ at ten in the morning like they hadn't just spent five hours together the night before. Sonny didn't know what any of it meant, but he knew he liked it.

Knocking at Amanda's door that night, Sonny heard her shout _it's open!_ from somewhere inside of her apartment. He opened up the door to find her familiar space in disarray: there were toys, bottles, burp cloths and tiny little socks strewn everywhere. When she emerged from Jesse's room, she was empty-handed; the baby must have been sleeping. Amanda's bright blonde hair was free from its usual ponytail and hung wavy and loose around her shoulders. She wore a too-big Atlanta Braves t-shirt over leggings, a combination Sonny had seen a thousand times by now, but never got tired of.

"Hey," she greeted him.

He always had the urge to hug her. He never did it. "Hey. How's it goin'?" he replied casually.

She yawned. "S'alright." Barefoot, she padded into the kitchen. "How was your date?"

"It was good," Sonny lied, sinking down onto her couch in the adjoining living room. Frannie sniffed him.

"Good, huh?" Amanda pulled open the fridge.

"Yeah."

"Couldn't have been that good."

"Why do you say that?"

She turned around and eyed him with a smirk. "'Cause you're here with me and an infant instead of trying to get into her pants."

"Maybe I'm just a gentleman," Sonny retorted.

She snorted. "'K." Turning back to the fridge, she asked, "y'want a beer?"

"I'd love one," he said, hoping that was the end of her line of questioning.

Amanda returned to his side with two opened bottles, one of which she handed to him. She sunk down onto the couch and curled her legs beneath her. She was close, but not too close. "She was boring, wasn't she?" she mused.

He raised an eyebrow and played dumb: "who?"

"Your date."

"I mean, no, she was fine."

"She's in law school too, right?"

"Yeah. She's in my Law and Social Justice class."

"Does she wanna _help people?_ " Amanda simpered, waggling her eyebrows.

"I think she just wants to make a lotta money," Sonny admitted.

"Charming," she mumbled sarcastically into her beer.

"She sucked, alright?" he conceded, exasperated. "It was a bad date. Well, actually, I think _she_ had a good time 'cause I let her talk about herself for two hours..."

When Sonny looked over at Amanda, she appeared smug. Had she been sitting at home, wondering about Lindsey? Had she hoped he was having a terrible time? His heart leapt in his chest at the idea of her pining over him - instead of the other way around.

"Sorry," she eventually sighed insincerely. Her blue eyes flickered over his face in silence before she smiled. "Your hair looks good."

"Thanks," he mumbled into his bottle, willing his cheeks not to turn pink.

"Let's watch something," Amanda suggested, grabbing the remote from the coffee table. "We have, like, two hours before Jesse's up and wailin' for food." She pulled the fuzzy throw off of the back of the couch and tossed it over them both haphazardly. " _Bachelor in Paradise_ is on. I'm so behind."

Sonny really fucking hated reality television. What he did not hate, however, was the easy way she shared her blanket and how she had shifted just an inch closer to him on the couch. "Okay, sure."

Amanda successfully stayed awake until she finished her beer. He pretended to watch the screen, but out of the corner of his gaze, Sonny saw her heavy eyelids flicker. Gradually, she began to slump over - her knees curled up beneath the blanket, the side of her head encountering his shoulder. For a minute, he sat frozen, unsure of what to do. She was definitely asleep: her breathing was rhythmic, her muscles were slack. It was nice, except his arm was caught awkwardly between their bodies and he wanted to move it.

Holding his breath, Sonny slowly and carefully slid his arm back and around Amanda, his hand boldly resting on the small of her back. He winced when he felt her shift, but all she did was curl closer to him. Exhaling, he looked down at her. Her hair smelled like coconut and she had a very faint smattering of freckles across her little nose and pink cheeks. Her well-practiced facade of harshness was gone. Sleeping, Amanda was soft and vulnerable, and for the moment - his.

* * *

Amanda sat at a small corner table at Black Fox Coffee Company, waiting for Sonny to meet her on his break. She had already gotten their drinks: for her, a flat white, for him, a cold brew coffee with an excessive amount of cream and sugar. She toyed with the airy foam with her spoon, ruining the delicate design the barista had created. She felt a hand graze her shoulder and arm, and when she looked up, Sonny was brushing past her.

"Hey, babe. How'd it go?" Sonny asked her breathlessly as he sunk down into the chair across from her. He seemed distracted; he must have been having a busy day.

She went back to fiddling with her spoon. "I walked out."

He went to lift his glass to his mouth, but paused half way, very obviously shocked. "You did _what?_ "

"I walked out," Amanda repeated before taking a sip of her coffee.

"Amanda!" he exclaimed, sounding every bit the chastising parent.

"I'm not gonna just sit there and take Draper's bullshit," she retorted irritably.

"It's an internal investigation," Sonny reminded her wearily. "You don't have a choice."

"I do have a choice. And I chose not to tolerate it," she said haughtily. She leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms over her chest. "You would think I beat the girl up or something. It's a total overreaction. Y'know what I heard? I heard that back in the day, Liv's old partner, Stabler, got away with doing way more than I ever did."

"Okay, but, it's not 'back in the day.' It's you, it's right now, and Draper can take your shield," he insisted.

She rolled her eyes. "I'd like to see him try."

"Amanda, stop. Jesus Christ, just _stop_ ," Sonny blurted. "You have got to stop thinkin' like your pride is all that matters here." He leaned in, his finger jabbing at the surface of the table as he spoke. "We have a mortgage and two kids. Not to mention, this is your career we're talkin' about, something you've been workin' on since you were twenty-two years old. All of these very important things hinge on how you respond to IAB."

She hadn't expected such a passionate outburst from him. Her cheeks began to heat up, embarrassed at how blatantly he had called her out. Clenching her jaw, she asked him through gritted teeth, "are you saying I'm being selfish?"

He took a swallow of coffee. "A little bit, yeah."

 _Ouch._ Sonny was nothing if not honest. Amanda gave him her iciest glare, hoping that would convince him to take it back. "I see."

"I strongly suggest you go back to the office, apologize, and finish the interview," he went on levelly, seemingly immune to her wordless attempt at cowing him.

"Are you my husband or my lawyer?" she scoffed.

Mirroring her posture, Sonny crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back in his chair. "Right now? I'm both."

* * *

Her walk back into the IAB offices was slow and painful. Amanda sat outside of Sergeant Draper's closed door, fidgeting. She did not want to be there, but as Sonny had so blatantly pointed out, this wasn't about her ego. She pretended like she was resentful of him, but really, it was herself she was annoyed with.

"Rollins, come in," Draper said curtly once he appeared in his doorway.

Amanda walked into his office, head down, and sat down in front of his desk. She picked at a hangnail around her thumb. "I, uh. I want to..." _God, I hate this shit. And I_ really _hate when Sonny is right._ "I want to apologize for walking out."

"Okay." Draper seemed unconvinced as he returned to his seat behind his desk.

"And I'd like to talk about the terms of my suspension," she added steadily, meeting his eyes.

"You think that after that display, I'm going to reconsider your suspension?" he laughed.

"Look, I know I come off as... well, I can be aggressive. Impulsive. It's... those aren't my best attributes," Amanda told him quickly. She sighed and slumped her shoulders in defeat. "Can I just be... real with you, for a second?"

Leaning back in his chair, Draper eyed her. "I'm listening."

"I've got two kids. Jesse, she's five, and Luca, he's almost fifteen months old. But my oldest, she got in trouble a few weeks ago for clockin' some kid in the face on the playground. I was so mad at her, I said something like, 'you don't solve problems by hitting people.' That's what I want to teach my kids, that violence doesn't solve anything. Then I turn around and I... do what I did," she rambled sheepishly. She almost couldn't believe she was being so honest with somebody at IAB, but she was hoping some context would help Draper understand that her actions weren't malicious. "I've been having a, well, a hard time lately and I took it out on a perp because she... she struck a particular nerve. It didn't solve anything. More than anything, I'm really embarrassed."

For a few minutes, he watched her in agonizing silence before he finally asked, "may I be real with _you?_ "

Amanda nodded. "Yeah."

"Lieutenant Benson speaks highly of you," Draper began. "You are an asset at SVU; your passion for your work is obvious. I'm not looking to take one of NYPD's finest out of commission. But you _have_ to understand that in this current political climate, the police are under an immense amount of scrutiny. Maybe in the past we could have turned a blind eye to something like this, but not now." He sighed, looking almost pained. "Two weeks. You can go back to work in two weeks. That's the best I can do."

* * *

"He looked beyond the thorn bushes, out into the big dark night. 'Nothing could be farther than the sky,'" Amanda read to Luca from _Guess How Much I Love You_ , his warm, sleepy body curled in her lap as she sat in the chair in his room. Out of all of the books she had amassed with both of her kids, this was one of her favorites. She never imagined that she would ever become a connoisseur of children's literature, but with countless bedtimes to organize, it was inevitable. Luca liked the story, too; when he was more awake he would eagerly point at the illustrations of the leaping bunnies. Now, he was too tired to do anything but listen. "'I love you right up to the moon,' Little Nutbrown Hare said, and closed his eyes."

Glancing down, Luca was contentedly sucking his thumb, his eyelids flickering but not yet completely closed. Sonny's mother was always commenting on the little boy's habit, moaning about how Amanda and Sonny would be paying for braces if they didn't redirect Luca's self-soothing. Amanda didn't care: he was a child - no, a baby - and he was healthy and happy with his thumb in his mouth. "'Oh, that's far,' said Big Nutbrown Hare. 'That is very, very far,'" she continued softly, carefully turning the page. "Big Nutbrown Hare settled Little Nutbrown Hare into his bed of leaves." Her lips grazed the top of Luca's head as she murmured into his blonde hair, "he leaned over and kissed him goodnight. Then he lay down close by, and whispered with a smile, 'I love you right up to the moon - and back.' The end."

Amanda closed the book and tucked it against her side. "I love you right up to the moon and back," she repeated quietly with a little smile, head tilted slightly so she could look at Luca's face.

"Me too," came Sonny's quiet voice from the other side of the room.

She looked up at see him leaned against the door frame, smiling; she didn't know how long he had been standing there, but she assumed he had just gotten home from work. She grinned. "Hey."

He took a few long strides over to the chair she was in, then leaned down to give her a kiss. "Hi."

"Say 'night-night,'" Amanda gently prompted Luca.

Luca gave a tired wave up to his father with his free hand and mumbled something unintelligible.

"Night-night, buddy," Sonny told him, leaning down farther and using a hand to give the baby's back a comforting rub.

Carefully, Amanda stood up to carry Luca over to his crib. She gave the side of his face a kiss before she set him onto the mattress amid stuffed animals and the fuzzy blue blanket emblazoned with his initials that Sonny's mother had given him when he was born. When she was satisfied that he wouldn't make a fuss, Amanda slipped out of his bedroom with Sonny close behind her. Alone in their room together, she wrapped her arms around his torso and hugged him tightly.

"What's this for?" he chuckled, his arms encircling her.

"Can't I just hug you?" she mumbled defensively into the fabric of his shirt.

"What did you do?" Sonny asked suspiciously.

"Nothing!" Still holding on to him, she leaned back to look at him with wide, innocent eyes. "I just... I did what you said and I went back to IAB and apologized," she admitted.

Sonny raised an eyebrow. "Yeah?"

"Draper agreed to only suspend me for two weeks."

"Sounds a little more reasonable."

"Yeah. So... thanks for givin' me a little... kick in the ass," she mumbled sheepishly.

"I only did it 'cause I happen to love your ass," he explained with a smirk, a hand sliding downward to squeeze that particular part of her.

Amanda grinned. "I know." Standing up on her toes, she kissed him. "I love you."

"I love you." His hand gave her a pat. "You think you're gonna be able to tolerate hangin' out at home for two weeks?"

"I'll try," she sighed.

* * *

On her knees on the wood floor at Yoga Agora, Amanda carefully rolled up her teal green mat. She was dripping with sweat; the temperature of the studio had reached one hundred and five degrees. While the heat made for a challenging workout, after class was through, Amanda felt loose and relaxed. Upright again, she threaded her damp ponytail through the back of her baseball cap and zipped herself back inside the too-big gray hoodie she had stolen from Sonny. She was one of the last to leave the room, but since she didn't have to go to work, she wasn't in a special hurry.

"Amanda!" a familiar voice called once she was out in the lobby.

She paused to see another teacher of hers, Cora, waving her over to talk. Amanda had been taking Cora's classes for a few years now; she was young but knowledgeable and kind. Turning around, she walked over to the desk where her teacher was lingering.

"Hey," Amanda said, smiling giving her a hug. "Where've you been?"

"I was at a conference on the west coast, then this amazing retreat in Peru," Cora explained enthusiastically. "I just got back two days ago."

"Wow. Awesome," she breathed.

Cora's expression turned serious. "Did you just take Linda's Bikram class?"

"Yeah," Amanda said with an eager nod. "It was great."

"You really shouldn't do hot yoga when you're pregnant!" she exclaimed.

It felt like a leaden anchor had dropped right into the pit of Amanda's stomach. She hadn't seen Cora since before she had lost the baby and her baggy sweatshirt didn't give any indication that her abdomen was taut and flat again. Amanda didn't know what to say, but her face must have been enough of an indicator, because Cora appeared instantly horrified.

"Oh, I, um, I didn't know that - wow, I'm really sorry, I really didn't-" Cora stammered, her face turning bright red with embarrassment.

"It's okay," Amanda interrupted with a tight, forced smile.

"I am so sorry," she moaned.

"I gotta get goin'. Nice seeing you, though," Amanda lied.

* * *

 _Death of Casey Turner: Blame Game Begins,_ read the online CNN article. Submerged up to her shoulders in bubbles, Amanda's eyes flickered over the screen of her phone as she relaxed in her oversized bath tub. _To hear police and prosecutors tell it, Michael Shaffer killed three-and-a-half-year-old Casey - perhaps by repeatedly punching her in the stomach, perhaps by suffocating her - and Ayla Turned helped him dispose of the body. They both stand charged in her murder. Lawyers for Shaffer and Turner present starkly different accounts: Shaffer alleges Turner told him Casey was in state custody and he had no reason to doubt her until police informed him Casey was dead, while Turner claims Shaffer killed the girl and then injected Turner with heroin, threatening to kill her if she tried to contact police._

"What lying sacks of shit," Amanda mumbled, taking a sip from the glass of red wine that rested on the edge of the tub. As she continued to scroll, she contemplated texting Barba, anxious for inside information about the trial, resentful that she had a week left of sitting on the sidelines. The ADA probably wouldn't be inclined to leak details to a suspended detective, though - he never had been a fan of her investigation tactics, unless they directly benefited him, of course. No doubt he had heard about her outburst; no doubt he deemed it classless.

"I see your SVU hiatus is treatin' you well," grumbled Sonny as he appeared in the doorway of the bathroom.

Amanda looked up from her phone and rolled her eyes at his disgruntled expression. "You wanna come in?" she offered sweetly.

He began to peel off layers: first his gray suit jacket, then his vest. "You know I think baths are stupid."

"But I'm naked under here," she reminded him with a seductive smirk.

"That is tempting..." he murmured, waggling his eyebrows.

"It's nice and warm," she went on. "It'll make your back feel better, old man."

"My back isn't botherin' me today," Sonny insisted.

"It'll make me happy," she tried.

He gave her a pointed look.

She heaved a sigh. "You go to court today?"

Sonny sat on the edge of the tub and glanced over his shoulder at her. "No, I did not."

"You talk to Barba?" she pressed.

He took a sip of her wine and asked sarcastically, "what, you mean, in all my free time?"

"Ugh," Amanda huffed.

"Can we talk about somethin' else besides this dead kid, please?" he pleaded.

Amanda scowled. When he put it like that, she was reminded that maybe the subject matter wasn't the most appropriate for casual evening conversation, not even between two detectives. Everybody needed a break - she just wished she hadn't been forced to take hers.

"Jesse was missin' you tonight," she offered, toying with some bubbles.

"How come?" he asked curiously.

"She said I don't tuck her in right." She rolled her eyes, but was smiling.

"It's an art," Sonny replied haughtily. He began to get up. "I'll go say goodnight to her."

"No..." she whined childishly. "Stay with me."

He raised his eyebrows and sat back down.

"It gets kinda lonely, not going to work," she mumbled, reaching a hand out to rest on his thigh.

"Lonely, huh?" he repeated with a smirk.

"Mhm," Amanda hummed. She shifted so she was leaned up against the edge of the bath, blinking innocently up at Sonny before she flicked a wad of suds toward him. They landed on his sleeve.

"Hey!" he yelped, jumping. "What do you think you're doin'?"

"Nothin'," she replied sweetly.

Scowling but obviously fighting a grin, Sonny quickly scooped up a palm full of bubbles and slathered them onto her face in retaliation.

" _Hey!_ " she sputtered, moving away from him while using the backs of her hands to rub soap away from her eyes.

When she blinked him back into focus, he looked smug. _Too_ smug.

Sliding toward him again, Amanda reached up, wrapped her wet arms around his clothed torso and pulled him backward. Caught off guard, Sonny couldn't keep his balance on the edge of the tub - and fell back into the water with a substantial splash. " _Amanda!_ " he hollered, limbs flailing.

"Oopsie daisy," she cooed, all Georgia peach before she started laughing uncontrollably. She maneuvered herself to straddle him in the water with a smirk. "Looks like you're takin' a bath whether you wanted to or not."


	16. Chapter 16

**AN:** Here's a little smut interlude for ya, 'cause I never wrote out this scene a million stories ago. I finally got around to it a couple of weeks ago but only just edited it. I hope this improves your Monday!

* * *

 _I'll be your quiet afternoon crush / be your violent overnight rush / make you crazy over my touch_

* * *

 **May, five years earlier.**

What the hell was she doing?

Amanda looked down at the tattered notebook in her hand. It was filled with scribbles about legal statutes, torts and reading assignments in books she had never heard of. It belonged to Sonny Carisi, but he had left it at her apartment days ago. He hadn't asked her about it, so Amanda assumed that he either forgot it existed or didn't know he had lost it. Either way, she figured it wasn't all that important to him. Why, then, was she hovering outside of his apartment door that evening, eager to return it? She could have brought it to him at work, left it on his desk without a word. Or she could have let it sit on her kitchen table for months, along with all the other crap she had piled up there.

When Sonny pulled open the door, he appeared surprised before he offered her a smile. "Hey, 'Manda. What's up? Everything okay?" he asked anxiously.

Her heart squeezed in her chest. Amanda had never met another person so genuinely interested in her day-to-day well-being. Not even her own mother cared as much as Sonny did. "Yeah, yeah, everything's okay," she assured him.

Sonny opened the door wider. "Come in."

Once inside his familiar studio, Amanda thrust the notebook toward him awkwardly. "You forgot this."

"Oh, hey, I was wonderin' where that went," he replied eagerly, eyes bright like it was the best thing he had seen all day. He took it from her. "Thanks."

"Sure." She shifted in her spot, watching him set the notebook aside on his coffee table. She tugged at her lip nervously. "So... whatcha doin'?"

"I'm just reviewin' some stuff. The bar exam is next week, y'know, so..." he trailed off. "Uh, what are you doin'?"

Amanda shrugged. _Good question; I have no idea._ "I just thought maybe..."

He looked at her expectantly and she stared back. Amanda was used to being in control. When it came to men, she knew exactly how to bat her eyelashes and stroke their egos _just right_ until they were foolish enough to think that they had the power. She found that game to be intoxicating, validating, if only for a little while. Sonny Carisi, however, made her feel like a fumbling, clueless teenager. _He's just a man,_ she told herself repeatedly. _Like all the others you've conquered._

Conquered, yes, but never kept. Her relationship with Nick had been toxic. Nate had publicly made an idiot out of her. And Declan? Amanda had seduced him to affirm that beneath his precious lieutenant's shield, he was merely a red-blooded male, putty in a pretty woman's hands. Everybody in between those encounters was blurry and half-hearted. It was different with Sonny: they hadn't slept together, but she had given him so many of the vulnerable parts of her already. They had shared one drunken kiss weeks ago, after she had exploded about his relationship with a too-attractive law school classmate. Even through the haze of whiskey and anger, Amanda knew she liked his lips on hers. They never spoke of it again, because although Sonny had made an attempt to, she had brushed him off. Lately, she found herself thinking about it all the time.

She took a step closer to him, so there were mere inches separating their bodies. Her fingers reached out to toy with the fabric of the plaid shirt he was wearing open over a gray tee. Fiddling with a button there, she peered up at him almost bashfully and sunk her teeth into her lower lip. "I thought maybe you'd wanna hang out."

For a second, Sonny didn't say anything. He didn't move. He didn't touch her. Panic started to set in for Amanda: _this'll be embarrassing as hell tomorrow morning_ , she lamented internally. _Why do I always have to fall for the guys I work with?_

Then he kissed her, his mouth crushing against her with so much intensity that it took her breath away. Instinctively, her arms encircled his neck. She pressed herself against him, he held her waist, his hands pressed into the exposed skin between the top of her jeans and the hem of her t-shirt. Amanda felt him hook his fingers into her empty belt loops, tugging her along with him as he moved backward. With a breathless noise of surprise, she dropped down onto the couch with Sonny, her knees splayed on either side of his lap, her lips still on his. She only broke their kiss to pull her shirt up and over her head; she wasn't wasting any time. She felt one of Sonny's hands crawl up her bare back before he unhooked her bra with the kind of skill an overeager fifteen year old boy would marvel at. Amanda let the straps fall down her arms and cast it aside blindly.

"'Manda," he murmured against her mouth. His hand slid up her torso, a thumb circling her nipple. "I don't have a-"

"I'm on the pill," she interrupted him. She arched her back, chin pointed up toward the ceiling and eyes closed as she reveled in the sensation of his fingers toying with her breasts. She breathed, "it's fine, it's just, don't... don't stop doin' that."

Then there was his mouth. The scratch of newly-formed stubble against extra-sensitive skin sent shivers down Amanda's spine. Her hands gripped Sonny's biceps as she savored the sting of his teeth and the heat of lips all over the curves of her chest. She could have came just from that - God, had it been that long since she had had sex? An infant wasn't exactly the most attractive accessory to a man, so yeah, probably.

Suddenly, he moved her. On her back against the couch cushions, Amanda watched him shed both of his shirts and toss them carelessly aside. His torso was all lean muscle, exactly how she had imagined it - but better, because now she could touch it. Sonny practically tore her jeans down her legs, leaving them to pool at her ankles. She missed him in those few seconds of separation, but as if he was reading her mind, he was soon on top of her again to kiss her hungrily. Clad only in the barest excuse for pink lace underwear, her hips rolled upward greedily, a leg hooking around his waist like she was afraid he might go somewhere. He ground down into her, his low groan vibrating against her mouth. Blindly, her fingertips slipped between them and sought out his belt buckle with urgency.

But he pulled away, and in the process, he took her underwear with him. He lifted one of her legs to rest over his shoulder, the other dropped to press her foot into the floor. For a split second, Amanda was convinced she was in the middle of a very vivid daydream, but when she felt his mouth at her center, it was much too real to be a fantasy. She pulled in a sharp breath, muscles going rigid in the moment before she melted bonelessly into the cushions of the couch.

"Oh my fucking _God_ ," she moaned wantonly, her hips straining upwards even though his grip was tight and unrelenting on them, trying to keep her still. Whatever he was doing with the flat of his tongue had her coiled up like a spring, trembling for release. "Jesus, fuck..." she panted. This wasn't some half-hearted attempt at turning her on so he could fuck her - he wasn't going to stop till she came. It didn't take long: she dug her heel into his upper back and let out a sharp squeak of approval before her orgasm ripped through her. When she had recovered and was able to blink her eyes open, Sonny looked smug between her thighs.

Dizzy and out of breath as she struggled to get up, Amanda pushed Sonny backward so he was sitting up against the opposite arm of the couch. Crawling toward him, she shoved aside the thick fabric of his jeans, then his boxers, just enough to be able to palm his hardness. She watched the muscles in his abdomen twitch as she stroked him with a satisfied smirk. She could have teased him, taken him into her mouth and done positively sinful things with her tongue, but she was too impatient for that. She could tell he was, too - his breathing was already shallow and ragged and all she was doing was touching him. Moving forward, she straddled him, her eyelids fluttering shut as she sunk down on to his length. She let out a sigh that was more like a moan, her fingers digging into Sonny's shoulders as she started to rock against him, slowly at first. His hands palmed her ass as they found a rhythm, moving against each other like this was something they had always done.

Amanda's forehead dropped against his as she hung her arms from around his neck. She caught his mouth in a series of sloppy kisses, then his jaw, then his earlobe. She couldn't resist nipping at the flesh there, teeth sharp and breath hot, and in response, he jerked beneath her with a groan. Her knees dug into the cushions of the couch as she ground back into him, their pace becoming quicker and more desperate by the second. Panting against the crook of Sonny's neck, she squeezed her eyes closed. At this rate, she was going to come again - she could feel the ache building in the pit of her stomach, growing more and more intense the harder he met the roll of her hips. He was setting the rhythm now - she was just along for the ride. His palm collided with her ass before he possessively gripped the flesh there again, eliciting a sharp cry from Amanda, all of her muscles tensing around him in surprise.

"You like that, don't you?" he breathed hotly into her ear. "Are you gonna come for me again?"

The Staten Island lilt in his voice somehow made every word he said that much more provocative. He was the kindest person she had ever met- and she could have never anticipated how attractive it was to have him rough and lewd. "Mhm, yes," Amanda whined, because she was and in the moment she didn't care that he had all the power. Her hands moved to grip the arm of the couch behind him, knuckles white as she tried to maintain just the perfect angle atop him. Pressing closer and closer, her hair was falling in her eyes - these days it was longer than she had ever allowed it to get before, and now it was damp with sweat around her face. "Right there, ah, yes..." Her next orgasm shuddered through her only seconds before Sonny's; he groaned into the side of her head, his body tense and grip vice-like on her hip and ass.

Slowly, after a breathless minute of quiet, she uncurled herself from against him to sit up a little straighter. Her chest heaving, Amanda watched Sonny's head loll backward, chin to the ceiling as he panted. Gradually, his hold on her loosened, but he didn't let go. She was struck by the urge to kiss his exposed throat, but now that they weren't in the throes of passion, she wasn't sure he would appreciate the affection. Instead, she pressed one hand to his chest, atop his heart, and another to hers. His beat rapidly beneath her palm and hers fluttered frantically, too. She grinned, pleased.

Sonny lifted his head up to look at her, his cheeks pink and his hair disheveled. "Are you checkin' to see if I'm still alive?" His voice was husky but playful.

Amanda shook her head and carefully climbed off of him. She wasn't sure how to explain that for the first time in a very long while, she felt _connected_ to somebody. To him. It wasn't merely some superficial, physical experience - it was deeper, running hot through her veins, and she wished she knew if he felt it, too. _No_ , she thought to herself suddenly. _He's just like all the others: a man who got what he had wanted all along. Don't waste time trying to read his mind; there probably isn't much there._ She had to prepare herself for the very real possibility that Sonny would regret this later. He would most likely give her some stupid speech about 'ruining their friendship' or 'making things weird at work.' Even worse: they would keep having sex but he would find better women to actually _date._ Of course, Amanda would take any rejection in stride - but she wasn't sure how she would ever look him in the eye again.

"Well, I should go," she said awkwardly, acutely aware of her nakedness now. On her feet, she hopped into her underwear.

Sonny looked confused as he fumbled to get fully back into his boxers and jeans. "Hey, wait. Why? Where?"

She pulled her own jeans on and then found her bra. "Home, Carisi."

"I'll come with you," he told her, standing up quickly.

Amanda quirked a brow as she hooked her bra on. "Don't you have to study?"

"I'll do it later," Sonny insisted. "I mean, you need to eat dinner, don't you?"

Of course: everything with Carisi came back to food eventually. "I guess so, yeah..."

He pulled on his t-shirt, further disrupting his hair. "I'll make us something."

She blinked at him, still shirtless, in momentary awe. Amanda had half-expected something to shift between them immediately, like having sex with Sonny meant he would turn into some asshole who started coaxing her out the door the second he was no longer inside of her. Instead, he stood before her, totally and completely _himself._

Amanda grinned cautiously. "Okay, yeah, that sounds..." _Perfect, wonderful, like exactly what I want._ "Nice."


	17. Chapter 17

**AN:** Some floofy fluffy stuff. Let me know what else you wanna see (of course I have some more ideas of my own ;-)).

* * *

 _the two of us / we dream like one_

* * *

One week before they were due to leave for Florida, the annual New York City Police Foundation gala arrived. Amanda had only been back at SVU for five days, but she had planned to go to the event long before the Baby Doe case had fallen into her lap. Even if Draper had suspended her for a month, she _was_ going to attend the event, no matter what. Thankfully, the timing worked out, but Amanda was prepared for any whispering that would inevitably happen behind her back that night. In the past it would have eaten her alive to know she was the topic of NYPD gossip - now, Amanda had more important things to focus on.

With Jesse and Luca at Sonny's parents' house for the night, the two of them were able to get ready to go to the gala in relative peace. While the officers getting particular recognition wore their dress blues, everyone else was instructed to attend in black-tie attire. Amanda's gown was all black, sleeveless, with a halter neck. The form-fitting hem grazed her mid-thigh - but what made the dress special was the sheer overlay of black lace that covered the entire garment. It created an illusion skirt that hung long, puddling perfectly at her feet, the dark lace allowing her toned legs to been seen through the gauzy swing of the fabric. She wore high-heeled sandals with skinny black straps that criss-crossed up to her ankles; she did her hair in a loose knot atop her head, a few blonde tendrils softly framing her face.

They shared a round table with the rest of SVU in the gigantic waterfront ballroom at Pier Sixty in Chelsea. With floor-to-ceiling windows, the venue provided an amazing view of the Hudson river. Everything was decorated in shades of NYPD blue and yellow, from the decorations to the lighting to the seals on the rings that kept their napkins neatly rolled. The first half of the evening, their eyes were on the stage in front of the dance floor as awards were presented and recognition was given to those who had gone above and beyond the call of duty. The event was filled with New York's most influential individuals, including famous journalists, socialites and musicians - many of whom had donated generously to the foundation. Amanda had only attended the gala twice before. During her first few years with NYPD, she couldn't be bothered to go - she had gambling to do. Now, she liked celebrating the achievements of her colleagues (and the opportunity to wear something pretty).

As speakers and presenters came and went from the podium, Amanda's eyes kept flickering across the table to Liv. They hadn't spoken much since the night Liv informed her that she would be reporting her to IAB. Amanda felt guilty for her irrational response, especially since prior to the Baby Doe case, they had been getting along more like co-workers than superior and subordinate. As the commissioner rattled on about notable benefactors of the Foundation, Amanda felt Sonny's hand settle atop her lace-clad thigh. She covered it with her own palm, fingers settling between his. With her free hand, she took a sip of her wine, then looked at Liv again. _I should apologize,_ she thought to herself, distracted. _I don't want things to go back to the way they were._

So lost in her own head, Amanda didn't even realize when the speaking stopped and the music began. It was only when Sonny leaned in and murmured _c'mon, dance with me_ that she realized that everybody was leaving their seats, anxious to stretch their limbs after an hour of sitting. Fingers still tangled with Sonny's, she followed him onto the dance floor. She hung her free arm from around his neck and pressed herself close as they easily swayed to the slow beat of the band. With high heels on, she could almost look him right in the eye.

"You look beautiful tonight, did I tell ya that?" Sonny said in her ear.

She smiled. "You did, but you can tell me again."

"You look beautiful tonight." He squeezed her hand; his other palm rested appropriately at her lower back.

"Thanks." She added with a coy grin, "you look very handsome in a tux."

"Why, thank you," he responded with a smirk.

Amanda's eyes roamed around the room: there were so many familiar faces, but it was funny to see them out of uniform or without a badge and gun at their hip. The couples on the dance floor were just two people enjoying the evening, one another, and it made her wonder how much of their personal lives all of them had sacrificed to be a part of NYPD. How many kids were in daycare? How many marriages were strained? How many affairs, psychological evaluations, excessive hours of overtime were shared between all of the police officers in the venue that night? _A hell of a lot_ , Amanda figured.

She pressed closer to Sonny.

* * *

Later in the evening, Amanda found Liv outside on the expansive Pier Sixty balcony. The night air was cool but pleasant, a welcome reprieve from the warmth of the crowded venue. Wringing her fingers together, Amanda cautiously approached her lieutenant by the railing. "Hey, Liv."

Liv turned and smiled. "Hi."

"I wanted to tell you, I love your dress," Amanda said honestly, because she did. It was bright red, long and off-the-shoulder: elegant and classic.

"Thanks. I love yours, too.," she told her.

"Thanks," Amanda murmured appreciatively. She brushed hair away from her eyes and looked out at the Hudson river. "I, uh, I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to apologize, for... what happened."

"It's the past, Rollins. You did your time," Liv assured her quietly.

"I know but, it's just... I don't want you to start thinkin' you can't trust me again," she went on, looking over at Liv nervously. "I know things between us have always been a little rough, mostly 'cause of me, but, uh... I don't want things to go back to the way they were."

Liv nodded. "I do trust you." She cleared her throat before adding, voice low, "and I can't say I completely blame you, for your behavior."

"I got a little... too involved," she mumbled sheepishly. "And I know you just did what you had to do."

Liv gave Amanda a wry smile. "What you said in there that day... that jealousy, that outrage, resentment... I've felt it, too. A hundred times."

She swallowed, surprised that her lieutenant had admitted such a thing to her. Liv was intensely private - even more private than she was - and typically gave Amanda very little insight to her personal feelings. Her unexpected disclosure was a relief. Meeting Liv's eyes, Amanda nodded slowly, for once feeling understood by the person whose opinion she valued the most.

* * *

Water rolling off of her skin, Amanda stretched out in her simple olive green bikini on a lounge chair underneath the hot Florida sun. The Grand Floridian resort in Disney World had a gigantic pool, complete with waterfall, slide and most importantly - a bar. For the past hour, she and Sonny had played in the water with Jesse and Luca, both of the children brimming with excitement and enthusiasm. Eventually, everybody emerged except Jesse. She had been filled with boundless energy since they landed in Orlando two days ago. Thankfully, she had made friends with another little girl who was keeping her sufficiently entertained that afternoon. At the end of Amanda's chair, Luca sat playing contently with Fisher-Price police cars underneath the shade his floppy sun hat. He rolled them over her shins and feet occasionally like his mother's limbs were all a part of his make-believe scenery.

"Alright. I need a drink," Sonny suddenly announced from the chair beside Amanda's. Hauling himself up to sitting, he shoved his feet into his flip-flops. "What can I get the hottest mom in all of Disney World?"

"Those are words I never thought I'd hear," she mumbled with a smirk. After a moment of contemplation, she decided, "margarita, no salt. And make sure it comes with one of those little umbrellas."

She couldn't see behind the dark lenses of his sunglasses, but Amanda was sure Sonny was rolling his eyes.

"You aren't watching, mama!" Jesse shouted from the pool.

"Look!" Jesse's new friend yelled to the woman in the chair on the other side of Amanda.

"Yes, I am, baby. Show me again," Amanda called to Jesse, turning her attention back to her daughter once Sonny disappeared.

"I'm looking!" the woman promised enthusiastically.

In the shallow end, Jesse and the other girl dove beneath under the water. Soon their feet appeared, legs wobbly and akimbo in an attempt at a handstand before they both fell over with a splash. Jesse's head broke the surface first and she looked at her mother eagerly.

"Wow!" Amanda exclaimed, eyes wide. "How'd you get so good at that?"

"Madison taught me!" Jesse answered, indicating her friend who was upright and next to her once more.

"You have a beautiful family," the woman beside Amanda said.

Amanda looked over at her. Around her age, she was tall and pretty, her brunette hair tied up in a bun atop her head as she lounged in a black one-piece suit. She had a glossy fashion magazine draped over her stomach. "Thank you," Amanda replied sincerely with a smile.

"I'm Lacey," she introduced herself. "How old are your kids?"

"Amanda. Jesse's five." She poked her son with her toe playfully. "Luca over here is sixteen months old."

"They're so sweet. Madison is five, too," Lacey shared. "Where are you guys from?"

"New York City. How about you?" Amanda asked curiously.

"Boston," she replied.

She nodded. "Your daughter's got a lotta energy. As much as Jesse."

"Oh, she's not my daughter. She's my niece," Lacey explained. "This trip is my birthday present to her."

"That's really nice," Amanda smiled. "You have any kids?"

Lacey shook her head. "No," she sighed. She paused thoughtfully before continuing, "my ex and I wanted them, but..." She shrugged. "I can't have them. Took us awhile to figure it out... it's expensive, you know? All those tests..."

Amanda frowned. "I know."

"I did them all, though. I could have had surgery but by that point, the whole process of trying and being disappointed was kind of a marriage-killer." She gave Amanda a wry smile. "Madison is my younger sister's daughter. Being her aunt is great. It's... different, but great."

A short glass containing a margarita and a little blue umbrella hung in front of Amanda's face, dangling from Sonny's fingers. It momentarily distracted her from the pang of sadness that had struck her. "Thanks baby," she said, taking it from him. She looked between Sonny and Lacey. "This is my husband, Sonny. This is Lacey. The little girl Jesse's playin' with, that's her niece, Madison."

Sonny swallowed a swig of beer, glanced at the two five-year-olds in the pool, then smiled. "Hey, nice to meet you."

"You too," Lacey nodded. "I was just telling your wife that your kids are beautiful."

"Yeah, they're okay," he responded sarcastically, grinning as he sunk down on the edge of his lounge chair.

Amanda rolled her eyes.

"Are you a lawyer?" Lacey asked Sonny curiously, gesturing toward the copy of the _New York Law Journal_ at the end of Sonny's chair.

"Ah, kinda," he replied.

"Kind of?"

"I passed the bar and everything, but I'm not practicin' as one."

"We're both cops," Amanda explained after a sip of her drink.

"Are you a lawyer, too?" Lacey asked her.

"God, no," she scoffed.

"She doesn't like lawyers," Sonny added dryly.

Amanda cast a glance at him over her bare shoulder. "'Cept for this one," she smiled.

* * *

Their hotel room had a massive California king bed as well as a full-sized pull-out couch. Jesse was supposed to take the futon, while Luca would sleep between Amanda and Sonny. Amanda hadn't predicted what a tantrum this arrangement would incite their very first night: Jesse sobbed until her mother relented and allowed her in the bed, too. In the nights following, she crawled onto the giant mattress and ignored the couch entirely. Thankfully, Disney World was so exhausting for both children that they fell asleep quickly and easily between their parents. That evening, Jesse lay next to Amanda, curled up tight on her side. Luca was on his back, spread out like a little starfish by Sonny.

"Sonny?" Amanda said randomly into the darkness.

"Hm?" he grunted, his back to her.

"That woman by the pool today..." she began quietly.

"Huh?"

"Lacey. That woman by the pool. She told me she can't have kids."

"Okay."

"Isn't that sad?"

"I mean, yeah, it's sad..." Sonny replied into his pillow.

"It's bothering me," Amanda admitted in a whisper.

He heaved a sigh. "Why?"

"I don't know. It makes me feel sorta guilty," she told him meekly.

"For what?"

"Because we have kids, and I've spent the past couple of months wanting more, when she can't even have one..."

"Gratitude," he mumbled. "S'important."

She glanced between them to watch Jesse and Luca's sleeping forms, their limbs slack and faces chubby, warm and relaxed because they knew they were safe. Amanda felt a swell of pride, because she had never had that security as a kid, but she was able to give it to her own. That was definitely something to be thankful for.

* * *

" _Mooooommmm_ , I can't _wait_ any longer!" Jesse whined, bouncing around Amanda's feet.

"We're almost there! Elsa and Anna are right around this corner," she promised her daughter, although she had absolutely no idea if what she was saying was true.

The wait to meet Anna and Elsa from _Frozen_ was painfully long. Amanda had secretly hoped Jesse wouldn't ask to go, but that was a foolish desire: those particular princesses were one of the main reasons the five-year-old had wanted to go to Disney World in the first place. That afternoon Jesse was dressed head-to-toe in icy blue Elsa garb even despite the Florida heat, her crown lopsided as she fidgeted around impatiently with each passing minute. Amanda stood next to Sonny, who had initially tried to weasel out of enduring the wait by using Luca as an excuse - _he's gonna get cranky, I'll take him for a walk!_ \- but Amanda had absolutely no intention of suffering alone. Instead, she settled Luca into a stroller with snacks and toys and hoped for the best.

"My legs are tired," Jesse moaned. "I want a Mickey ice cream." She scrunched her nose and added dramatically, "my mosquito bite is itchy."

"That's a lotta complaints for somebody at the Happiest Place on Earth," Sonny remarked sarcastically.

Jesse only groaned and flailed in response, tilting her head so far back that she almost lost her tiara.

"I'll put ya on my shoulders, c'mon," he offered her.

Adjusting her crown as she stood up straight again, Jesse mumbled, "okay" before Sonny hoisted her up onto his shoulders. She settled her hands atop his Mets hat and surveyed her new vantage point. "I don't see them!" she announced shrilly, sounding panicked, as if she was afraid this was all some cruel trick.

"Out!" Luca demanded from his stroller.

"Oh, lord," Amanda murmured.

Luca kicked his legs and reached out his arms. "Out!"

"You've gotta stay in your stroller," she told him gently. "There are too many people here, I don't wanna lose you."

That was not a sufficient answer: Luca's face contorted into the expression he saved for right before he was about to scream.

"Okay, okay!" she said to him hurriedly before he could begin to cry, pulling him from his confines to rest him against her hip instead.

"No! Down!" Luca whined, wriggling in her grasp.

Rolling her eyes, Amanda set his two feet onto the ground and gripped his hand firmly. "You have to hold onto me."

Luca bent at the knees to pick up some stray gravel on the ground with his free fingers, momentarily distracted.

"Can I have your phone?" Jesse asked Amanda.

She furrowed her brow. "What for?"

"To play," she said innocently.

"No," she told her curtly, already imagining the screen smashing after tumbling downward over six feet.

Jesse tilted her head. "Dad, can I have your ph-"

"Nope," Sonny cut her off.

"Can I get into the stroller?" Jesse tried.

"What? No!" Amanda sputtered, laughing at her ridiculous request. Luca attached himself to her leg, then tried to force his way through them. She tried not to trip over him in the process as the line moved slightly and they inched forward. They paused again, and with Jesse's knees resting over Sonny's shoulders, Amanda used it as an opportunity to retie her blue Converse.

"Mama, look! A princess!" Jesse shouted suddenly pointing in the distance.

Looking up, she saw a woman in a voluminous tulle wedding gown accompanied by a man in a tuxedo and a photographer. She cringed - this would be the _last_ place on earth she would ever want to get married. _To each their own_ , she figured. "She's gettin' married, Jesse," Amanda explained.

"Wow!" the five-year-old breathed, awestruck. "I'm gonna get married at Disney World."

She raised her eyebrows. "I mean, maybe..."

"I have to!" Jesse exclaimed. "I wanna be special!"

"You don't have to get married to feel special," Amanda insisted indignantly. "You don't need a husband for that."

"Oh, here we go," Sonny mumbled under his breath.

"But all the princesses, they all have a prince," Jesse challenged her.

"Well, they don't need them, s'all I'm saying." Amanda picked Luca up again, but this time he didn't struggle to get down. "You can be whatever you want without one."

"Relax with the social commentary, would you? At least until we leave the Magic Kingdom," Sonny pleaded, sounding both amused and exasperated.

"I just don't want her growin' up thinking that you _need_ a man," she went on, ignoring him. "The world tells little girls that marriage is some kind of special achievement that they need to strive for. It's really not. It's not like it takes any skill. Doing well in school, having a good career... _those_ are impressive things."

"To some people, marriage is enough of an achievement," Sonny responded diplomatically. "They put a lot of value on it."

"Yeah, well, not my daughter," Amanda told him stubbornly. "I'm not gonna have her thinking her worth is measured by what's on her finger. No way."

"I don't have anything on my finger, mama," Jesse interjected, confused.

"Exactly," Amanda told her proudly. "And look how awesome you are!"


	18. Chapter 18

**AN:** Somebody messaged me and asked for more crazy Kim - I aim to please!

* * *

 _we all have wings / but some of us don't know why_

* * *

Amanda woke up at five in the morning with the intense urge to vomit.

Flinging the covers off of their bed, she sprinted into the bathroom and closed the door a little louder than she had intended. Bare knees encountering cold, hard tile, she got sick into the toilet - three times in a row. In a moment of reprieve, Amanda shakily leaned against the wall, her stomach coiled in an uneasy knot as she pulled in a few steadying breaths. Looking down, her legs stood out as tan against the bright white marbled floor; they had only returned to New York from Florida a few days prior.

After a few minutes, she felt well enough to stand. Carefully getting to her feet, Amanda flushed the toilet and fumbled for her toothbrush. She opened the medicine cabinet for a fresh tube of toothpaste - Sonny had the infuriating habit of leaving an empty one rumpled on the counter instead of simply throwing it away and replacing it. She brushed her teeth, returned it to its ceramic holder when she was done, then went to shut the cabinet door again. She paused mid-way, tired eyes settling on the box of pregnancy tests that sat behind a bottle of NyQuil. There was one left inside - she had used the other one long before they had gone on vacation.

Amanda took inventory of how she was feeling in that moment: she was queasy, but her muscles didn't ache and her head didn't hurt. She pressed the back of hand to her forehead - her skin was cool to the touch. She could have had a strange virus - or maybe this was morning sickness. Her heart leapt at the latter option, even though by now, she knew better than to get her hopes up. Even so, Amanda couldn't resist pulling the remaining test from the box and taking it. Seconds after she flushed the toilet and capped the tip of the stick, there was a quiet knock at the door.

"'Manda? You okay?" came Sonny's voice from their bedroom. He only waited a beat before he creaked open the door. He was sleepy, disheveled; his brow furrowed when he looked at her. "You don't look so good," he observed huskily.

"Gee, thanks," Amanda mumbled with a roll of her eyes.

"You know what I mean," he grumbled. "What's the matter?"

"I threw up a few times." She swallowed thickly, trying to combat another wave of nausea. She pressed a palm to her sternum and used her other hand to point to the test sitting on the countertop by the sink.

"Ohhh, _that_ kinda throwin' up?"

"I don't know, maybe."

Sonny sunk down on the edge of the tub.

"Don't get your hopes up. My period has been all jacked up since April, so it's hard to keep track. With my luck, Jesse gave me somethin' she caught from one of her germ-y little friends..." The speech was mostly for herself, not Sonny, like it would help her manage her expectations.

"My hopes aren't up," he insisted. "I didn't say anything."

Amanda went into the medicine cabinet again and shook out several Tums into her hand. She popped the chalky tablets into her mouth, chewed and swallowed them gingerly. She had a feeling they wouldn't last long in her stomach.

"Well... when can we look at it?" Sonny asked her timidly.

"It only takes three minutes." She inched closer to the sink and picked up the test, holding it between two sets of fingers. Looking down, she saw a set of bold, blue lines. Instead of immediate elation, she felt a jolt of dread. As badly as she wanted a baby, she was terrified of the possibility of another miscarriage and what it would mean for her, for Sonny, for their marriage. She had spent so many nights lying awake wondering if all of the ultrasounds and blood work she had endured - the ones that had assured her that she was 'normal' - had been incorrect. Sonny took them all at face value, inherently trusting of physicians and science, but now Amanda was too skittish to feel confident. As she blinked down at the test, tears welled up in her eyes, blurring her vision.

Sonny got to his feet and quickly walked over to her. Frowning, he said gently, "ah, Amanda, it's alright. It's only been a couple of months, we'll keep-"

"No, no," she interrupted him hoarsely, shaking her head. "It says I'm pregnant."

"It does?" He sounded genuinely confused.

She met his gaze and nodded.

A slow grin spread across Sonny's face. "Why are you cryin'? Aren't you happy?" he asked with a chuckle, his own eyes bright with excitement.

"I am, it's just..." Amanda whispered. "I'm afraid. I don't wanna get too excited..."

His smile faltering, he soothed his hands up and down her sides slowly. "It's okay. You'll talk to the doctor and we'll go from there."

"I am glad, I am," she promised him, sensing his growing concern. She set the test back down on the counter. "I just don't think I'm gonna feel... totally okay about it until I'm actually holdin' a baby."

Sonny nodded, fingers toying with the soft fabric of her old t-shirt.

Amanda felt like she needed a hug - because she was happy, because she was scared - so she wrapped her arms around him and squeezed. He embraced her, steady, sturdy and warm.

* * *

"How have you been feeling?" Dr. Miller asked Amanda.

"I'm exhausted and I've been throwin' up pretty much all day, every day for a few weeks," she replied grimly from her spot sitting on the edge of the exam table.

"I'm going to put you on some nausea medication," the physician told her, scrawling out a prescrption. "We can't have you losing weight."

"But, the ultrasound and all that... is everything okay?" Amanda asked nervously.

"Heartbeat is perfect - 160 beats a minute," Dr. Miller said. He looked down at the report in his hands, "you're eight and a half weeks, so the size is right on, too, about 6.4 inches. No uterine abnormalities noted... everything looks normal."

She wished that was enough to ease her anxiety. "Yeah, but it did last time, too..."

"When you're eleven weeks or so, we'll do some screenings and a special ultrasound just to be sure nothing is happening in there that we have to worry about, both during your pregnancy or after the baby is born," the doctor explained. "I'm also going to have you come in more frequently. Every few weeks."

"That often?" Sonny asked curiously from Amanda's side.

"It's standard procedure for a high-risk pregnancy," Dr. Miller answered. He looked at Amanda pointedly. "Make sure to get enough rest, eat regular meals... try to limit your stress as much as possible."

Amanda and Sonny exchanged glances.

* * *

Sonny tapped diligently at his keyboard as he tried to finish two days worth of paperwork. Spring and summer were SVU's two busiest seasons, and since the squad was perpetually down-staffed, they rarely got enough of a break to complete all of their notes and documentation in one sitting. As much as he despised this part of police work, at least he had been raking in the overtime lately. When Amanda had tossed their credit card statement in front of him a couple of mornings ago, Sonny immediately felt himself morphing into his father: he followed his wife around for ten minutes, dramatically reading back all of her charges, looking for an explanation that would make paying it all off less painful. In typical Amanda-fashion, she had only grinned coyly and said, _what's mine is yours, remember?_

"Sonny, hi."

Looking up, Sonny was surprised to see Kim Rollins hovering over his desk, wearing her familiar pageant smile. He peered around the squad room for Amanda, but remembered that she was at a meeting with Liv. "Hey, Kim. What are you doin' here?"

"I was just... can I talk to you?" she asked, fiddling with the pens in the container by his laptop.

"Sure." He leaned back in his seat and looked at her expectantly.

"In private," Kim explained.

"Oh. Okay," he responded slowly. Getting to his feet, he motioned for her to follow him into the break room. He shut the door behind them both before perching himself on the edge of the table. "What's up?"

Kim rocked back and forth on her heels. "I need your help."

"With what?"

"I was wonderin' if maybe you were free later today."

"You askin' me out on a date?" he joked.

She grinned, but it faded quickly and her expression turned solemn. "No. I, um, need you to come to the parole office with me."

Sonny furrowed his brow and crossed his arms over his chest. "Why?"

"Y'know how I'm in school?"

"Yeah..."

"Well, um, between workin' and studyin', I was havin' trouble staying awake the other day and..."

"And..."

She tucked her hair behind her ears and told him innocently, "I might've done a little cocaine..."

"Oh, God, Kim," he groaned, wincing at her confession. He hadn't been prepared for this.

"I can't tell Amanda, she's gonna kill me," Kim went on hastily. "You know how she gets-"

"Yeah, for a reason!" he exclaimed.

"Okay, okay, that's fair," she replied diplomatically.

"What exactly do you think I can do for you, Kim?" he demanded. "You know usin' drugs violates your parole."

"Well, you went to college with Mark, didn't you? Couldn't you just... come with me and explain how good I've been doin'?" she suggested sweetly.

"You haven't been doin' well - you've been doin' coke," he challenged her.

"Just one time!" Kim blurted. "It was a mistake and I'm not gonna do it again. I just... I can't go back to jail, Sonny. I've got a job, and my apartment, and I'm doin' real good in school and..." Her lower lip puffed out in a pout as she added quietly, "Amanda's gonna lose her mind if I get sent back. She's gonna get all stressed out, and she's pregnant again..."

Sonny's heart clenched in his chest. He could already picture Amanda's reaction to her sister violating the terms of her parole; she would be so disappointed. Amanda cared for Kim fiercely and unconditionally - almost as if her younger sibling _hadn't_ once attempted to entangle her in a deadly insurance fraud scheme that could have cost her her freedom. Or like Kim hadn't been a prostitute, a hustler, an attempted-murderer... none of it seemed to matter, because Amanda stuck by her through every scheme and scam. Sonny knew it was because she was desperate to keep their familial connection, the one she had protected since they were both little kids - not because Amanda was naive. She knew that Kim could be manipulative and cruel, she just loved her anyway.

Photographs of the sisters together still sat on the mantle above their fireplace, Amanda edited Kim's college essays and took her shopping, and Jesse often begged to hang out with her cool aunt. The longer Kim stayed on the right the path, the more relaxed Amanda was. It would break her heart to know that her sister had returned to her old behaviors - all of the worry and fear she used to harbor about Kim's fate would undoubtedly return. _Try to limit your stress as much as possible,_ the physician had told her. Dr. Miller clearly wasn't acquainted with Kim Rollins.

"What time is your appointment?" Sonny sighed.

Kim grinned. "Six-thirty."

* * *

The office of Probation and Parole was a dingy, decrepit building on Broadway. Sonny never had to go there. Being a detective meant his relationship with criminals ended after the arrest - unless, of course, one's sister-in-law happened to be a felon. Kim's parole officer, Mark Bailey, was a college classmate of his. Bailey was a big, burly guy who could be goofy and fun-loving if he liked you well enough. That wasn't to say he was soft: after seven years of working in Parole, he had the reputation of being firm and by-the-book. Sonny never heard Kim complain about him, which made him wonder if she had successfully charmed Bailey into going a little easier on her than he did others.

Leaving Kim in the waiting room, Sonny flashed his badge to the receptionist who let him into the office with a wordless smile. He found Bailey's door open, the man himself reading a file with his feet propped up on his desk. When he looked up, he grinned widely.

"Carisi, what's up? How are ya?" Bailey greeted him enthusiastically, getting up suddenly to shake Sonny's hand.

"Hey." He walked over to his desk and grasped Bailey's hand. "I'm good, I'm good."

"What are you doin' here?" Bailey asked him curiously. "You give Kim a ride?"

"Not exactly." Sonny rubbed the back of his neck with his palm. "I wanted to talk to you about her."

Bailey sunk back down into his desk chair. "Okay... what's goin' on?"

"Kim's been doin' pretty well, right?"

"Yeah. She hasn't caused me any problems."

"She's in college, takin' classes, and workin' at the diner full-time..."

"I know. I'm impressed at how she's turned things around over the past couple of years."

"She made, uh, a little mistake," Sonny concluded awkwardly. "So I'm wonderin' if maybe we could... overlook it."

Bailey's expression turned serious. "What kinda mistake are we talkin' about here, Carisi?"

"She told me today that she did some coke the other day, to stay awake," he explained. He felt ridiculous saying it out loud. "Now, I know that's an obvious violation of her parole but I think given how well she's been doin'-"

"You a parole officer now?" the other man interrupted, tone sarcastic.

"No, no, not even close," he remarked sheepishly. "I just, she's my sister-in-law, y'know? I care about her and I think she deserves a second chance."

"Parole _is_ her second chance, Carisi. The court sets the terms, not me," Bailey reminded him.

"But you get to decide whether or not to violate her," he shot back, getting nervous.

Bailey stared at him. "Rollins' sister know about this?"

"No, and I'd like to keep it that way," he admitted, voice low.

He sighed. "Just cocaine?"

"Just cocaine. Nothin' else," Sonny promised him eagerly.

"Fine, I'll let it go this one time, but she's goin' back to mandated AA and NA meetings. If she shows up here without that attendance list signed off on, I'm violating her," Bailey said sternly. "Understood?"

* * *

Amanda's intention had only been to lie down for a few minutes. Amid piles of laundry strewn across the mattress, she had wanted to fold it after both kids went to sleep. After assembling the tenth pair of tiny socks, her eyelids grew heavy and she couldn't resist the urge to curl up on her side. Between work, throwing up and taking care of Jesse and Luca, the day had been long and her body was begging for a reprieve. Everything went warm and fuzzy as she lost interest in the clothes and surrendered to her exhaustion.

She woke up slowly when the bedroom door creaked open. Perfectly comfortable exactly where she was, Amanda didn't move, but she blinked open her eyes to see Sonny. She didn't know what time it was, but he was still in the suit he had been wearing all day.

"Where've you been?" she mumbled curiously.

He pulled of his jacket and loosened his tie. "Oh, uh, paperwork."

"I thought you finished and were goin' to play basketball?" Amanda yawned.

"Yeah, I got distracted." Sonny sat on the edge of the bed and angled his body so he could look at her. "How ya feelin'?"

"Tired. My boobs hurt," she murmured.

"Want a massage?" he offered with a smirk.

"Get away from me," Amanda grumbled, giving his thigh a swat.

"Worth a try," he sighed.

Amanda studied Sonny's profile curiously; he looked worried. "Whatsa matter?"

"Huh?"

"You look like something's on your mind."

"Nah, I'm just tired."

"Promise?" she pressed.

He smiled and reached out to squeeze her hip. "Yeah, I promise."

* * *

Two weeks later, Sonny's phone vibrated atop his desk. Without looking at the caller ID, he answered it. "Carisi."

"Hey, it's Bailey," a familiar voice responded.

"Hey, what's up?" he replied distractedly, trying to multi-task as he read his e-mail off of his laptop. He assumed that Bailey was going to ask him for a favor, because that's how the culture of NYPD operated - _you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours._ Bailey had helped Sonny with Kim and now he probably needed a parking ticket dismissed.

"Where the hell is Kim?" Bailey demanded. "She missed her check-in with me this morning."

That got all of Sonny's attention; he sat up straighter. "She probably just forgot."

"Yeah, well, I already cut her some slack once and my chief isn't gonna like this." Bailey's tone was curt. "I want her down here by seven tonight or else I'm issuing a warrant."

"Don't worry, I'll find her," he murmured quietly, stealing a furtive glance around the squad room to make sure nobody looked too interested in his conversation. His eyes flickered over to Amanda, who was scribbling something in a notebook at her desk. "I'll call you once I do." After hanging up, Sonny abruptly got this feet and announced, "I gotta run to Barba's office."

Amanda turned to look at him, her blue eyes piercing. "Why?"

"I, uh, left some stuff there," he fibbed. He knew he didn't sound convincing; he was an awful liar. It was one of the many reasons why he never told anything but the truth. "I'll be back in an hour."

"But-"

Sonny hurried away from his desk, pretending not to hear her. Too anxious to wait for the elevator, he pounded down the stairs.

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, Sonny banged on the door of Kim's TriBeCa apartment. Since her father began paying her rent, she lived better than he and Amanda did. "Kim! C'mon, open up," Sonny hollered.

"It's open!" came Kim's voice from the other side.

Letting himself inside, his eyes widened at what he found: Kim was draped across her couch, cigarette in one hand and glass of amber liquid in the other. Atop her messy coffee table sat a glossy magazine with a neat line of cocaine down the center, a credit card covered in residue by its side. From what Sonny could see, the rest of her one-bedroom apartment was in total disarray, too, with clothes strewn everywhere and dishes on every available surface.

"Oh, for fuck's sake, Kim. What are you doin'?" Sonny exclaimed, horrified.

"What?!" She struggled to sit up. Her eyes were glassy. "It's my day off!"

"You told me you weren't doin' this stuff!" he shouted. He couldn't believe how intensely betrayed he felt by such a discovery.

"Oh, c'mon, loosen up, Sonny!" Kim snorted. "You're just like my sister."

"What, you mean, a law-abiding citizen?" he replied sarcastically. He snatched the magazine off of the coffee table and stalked into the adjoining kitchen.

"Hey, gimme that!" she demanded.

He ignored her and dumped the powder down the drain of the sink, turning on the faucet immediately after. "I should arrest you, you know that?" he told her angrily, ripping off the cover of the magazine and tearing it into little pieces, just in case she tried to salvage any last bit of the drug.

"You'd never arrest me," Kim simpered.

Jamming the remnants of the magazine cover into the trash, he walked back into the living room. "You missed your check-in with Mark this morning. He's pissed off."

She shrugged her slim shoulders and took a drag of her cigarette. "Oops."

"Yeah, 'oops' is right," he scoffed. "He wants you in the office by seven tonight." He shook his head, exasperated. "I don't know how you're gonna pass a tox screen like this."

"I'll drink a lotta water," she replied simply.

Sonny rolled his eyes. "That doesn't work."

"Can you talk to him again? Please?" Kim pleaded, then added with a giggle, "tell him I'm real sick."

"I'm not lyin' for you, Kim," he said firmly.

"Fine. I'll lie myself. I think he's got a little crush on me, he'll believe anything I say," she told him haughtily.

"How long has this been going on?"

"A couple months."

" _Months?_ " Sonny sputtered. "How have you been gettin' this past Bailey?"

"I have my ways," Kim smirked.

"Does your boyfriend know about all this?"

"Connor and I aren't together anymore."

"Why not?"

"None of your business," she snapped, then she pressed her lips together. Her blue-green eyes became doe-like as she asked meekly, "you're not gonna tell 'Manda about this, are you?"

Sonny roughly rubbed his palms over his face, his stomach twisting with internal conflict. "Kim..."

"I'll call Mark and tell him I've had the flu. I've gone to all my meetings, he won't think twice," she insisted. "There's no reason Amanda has to know, it's not like she's my guardian or somethin' even though I know she thinks she is."

"Amanda has done a lot for you, Kim," he reminded her through gritted teeth, suddenly annoyed that she would be so cavalier about her sister's role in her life.

She waved her cigarette around dismissively. "Because she doesn't know who she is unless she's savin' somebody," Kim told him crassly. "Where's that gotten her, huh? All she does is worry. I make my own choices, and knowin' how my sister gets, right now I'm just tryin' to spare her a little more stress."

He felt torn between sparing Amanda and being honest. In a way, Kim was right: Amanda had always worried about everything, but only a few months into a high-risk pregnancy, now the consequences of her anxiety could be higher. "I won't tell her, but don't ask me for anymore favors," Sonny decided angrily. "I'm not gonna be complicit in all this."

Kim gave him a wolfish grin. "You already are."


	19. Chapter 19

_what's left of my heart's still made of gold_

* * *

 **December, five years earlier.**

The room slid in and out of focus. Amanda was vaguely aware that her body hurt, but she felt oddly disconnected from it. She was tired, so, so tired. With great concentration, she forced her eyes to focus. Everything was white, sterile and unfamiliar. She was in bed, but not her own. Beside her sat a very tall person.

"Carisi?" Her voice sounded hoarse and foreign to her own ears.

"Hey!" He jumped to his feet. "Hi, yeah, it's me. How are you feelin'?"

Wide-eyed, Amanda looked around. She was in the hospital. She remembered that part: she went into labor. It had hurt like a bitch, but... "What happened? Where... the baby, where's the baby?"

"She's okay. She's alright," Sonny promised her. "They are gonna bring her by soon."

She swallowed thickly; her mouth was really dry. "But I, I don't remember..."

"You had a... well, uh, I can't remember what it's called," he explained. "Something about the placenta detachin' from your uterus..."

Why did Sonny Carisi have so much knowledge about her reproductive organs? It would have concerned her more if she hadn't been so wholly preoccupied by a new sort of emptiness. Amanda was acutely aware that the child that she had been carrying for nine months was no longer a part of her. She didn't remember much after the searing jolt of pain that had seized her back, making the contractions she had experienced moments prior seem almost pleasant in comparison. Then there was the blood, bright and red and terrifying, more than she had ever seen at one time. The machines she was attached to had started beeping and blinking before she was being swarmed by medical personnel, all of them moving with urgency. It was then that her vision became pocked with black and her body went limp.

Amanda wanted her baby. She didn't recall giving birth to her. She didn't remember hearing her cry, being assured that she had ten fingers and ten toes. This very important part of her, the one that had lived right under her heart - she didn't even have a name.

"Liv's here. Fin's watchin' Frannie," she heard Carisi say.

"Can you get her? The baby. I haven't seen her. I need to see her," Amanda pleaded. She hated how helpless she felt, but she was so heavy and foggy that she couldn't move even if she wanted to. "I need to see her."

Sonny nodded. "I'll get the nurse," he told her. He gave her blanket-clad leg a reassuring pat before he disappeared into the hallway.

Unaccompanied, a nurse eventually rolled a clear plastic bassinet into Amanda's room. Inside lay an infant swaddled tightly in a receiving blanket, wearing a pink and blue hat with a bow knotted at the front. The nurse picked up the bundle and set her carefully in Amanda's arms. Amanda looked down at her child in awe; she was a real, little human being. Her baby was breathing, eyelids fluttering, a tiny hand curled up by her flushed cheek. Amanda's eyes filled with tears - she was relieved, she was grateful, she was totally terrified - and she tightened her hold around her daughter.

"Hi," Amanda whispered to the infant. "I'm your mama."

The baby yawned, her small, chubby face scrunching then relaxing. Amanda smiled.

"What's her name going to be?" the nurse asked Amanda gently.

Amanda stroked the infant's cheek with a careful knuckle. "Jesse." She had read somewhere that it meant 'gift.' While she had never thought that she would want a child, somehow Amanda already knew that her daughter would be the very best thing to ever happen to her. "J-e-s-s-e."

"Pretty," the nurse murmured approvingly. "Why don't you look over this registration paperwork and tell me if it seems okay? Then I'll leave you two be." She set down a few sheets of paper and a pen on the table attached to Amanda's bed.

It was hard to tear her eyes away from her new little girl, but Amanda's gaze flickered over what the nurse had left behind. _Proof of Live Birth_ , read the top form. Much of it was filled out by computer already, except for where the nurse had just written in Jesse's name. She was born at 4:01 p.m. and weighed seven pounds, two ounces. All of Amanda's information was completed, too, but the section for the father remained blank. She thought of Declan - where was he now? She couldn't believe how little she actually cared.

Still holding Jesse, Amanda picked up the pen. In the box that asked for the paternal information, she wrote out slowly: _none._ It didn't feel painful or hard, it just _was._

When the nurse eventually returned, she took the paperwork without commentary, which Amanda was thankful for. Instead, the woman launched into a discussion about breastfeeding, which lead into a rather uncomfortable tutorial - but even _that_ was better than talking about Declan. Amanda had never felt so out of touch with her own body - and simultaneously amazed by it - in her entire life. As Jesse nursed for the first time, she found herself briefly wishing that her mother was there. She didn't even know why - Beth Anne Rollins was the most selfish, critical person on earth. She had abandoned her when Amanda had needed her the most. Emotionally and physically exhausted, she still clung to the hope that her mother was capable of change.

Jesse fussed a little when Amanda re-did her swaddle, but quieted once the blanket was secure again. Filled with milk, the baby looked almost drunk with satisfaction, which made Amanda grin. At least she knew she was capable of feeding her; the rest of parenthood would be a whole separate challenge. Even though Amanda was tired, she couldn't stop staring, and for awhile she sat in silent appreciation of her sweet, unexpected Jesse.

There was a quiet knock on the door before Sonny reappeared in the threshold.

"You're still here," Amanda observed, surprised.

"Yeah, I just... y'know, wanted to make sure you're okay." Sonny shoved his hands into his pockets sheepishly as he walked toward her. "Liv had to run to the squad and get something but she's gonna come back and see you, if that's alright."

She nodded. "Yeah, that's alright."

He hovered by her shoulder as he gazed down at the bundle in Amanda's arms. "She's got all her fingers and toes," he told her cheerfully, as if he had read her mind earlier.

"Wanna hold her?" she offered.

His eyes widened in obvious surprise. "Oh, uh... well, yeah. Yeah, I do."

She sat up a little straighter and leaned in so Sonny could carefully take Jesse from her. He took her tiny hand between two of his giant fingers, his thumb running up and down her delicate knuckles. "She's beautiful, Amanda," he breathed, and she knew he really meant it.

Amanda suddenly felt sad. Watching Sonny lovingly cradle Jesse reminded her of just how alone she was. In another life, maybe she could have shared this moment with her husband - or at least somebody she would be proud to have as the father of her kid. Instead, her relationship with Declan was non-existent. Her mother was furious with her and her sister was incarcerated. It was Amanda's _co-workers_ who had been by her side since the day she had told them she was pregnant. She was lucky to have them, but in the private depths of her heart, she yearned for more. She wanted the stability that she never had as a child, not only for herself, but for Jesse, too.

She met Sonny's eyes and offered him a small, shaky smile.

"You okay, Rollins?" he asked her quietly.

"Yeah." Amanda nodded, thinking, _I have to be._

* * *

Sometimes in the middle of the night, Amanda would wake up with Sonny's arm flung over her, his chest against her back. She found it funny, because they would begin at two opposite sides of the bed, but his body would somehow end up pressed close to hers in the dark anyway. She didn't know if he knew he was doing it or if it was unconscious, but even if she got too hot or uncomfortable, Amanda secretly liked the reassuring feeling of his frame against hers.

"'Manda?" Sonny murmured into her hair late one night.

"Hm?" she hummed groggily. She had been caught between asleep and awake for an hour.

She felt his hand settle against her abdomen, warm and reassuring. "Love you."

"Love you, too," she replied.

"Why are you awake?" he asked her curiously.

Amanda smiled. "Because you're talking to me."

Sonny chuckled quietly before he tightened his arm around her. She heard him yawn, felt his muscles relax, and she wriggled around to get comfortable in the position he had decided upon for the both of them. Lately she was so tired all of the time that it didn't take long for her to fall asleep whenever she had the opportunity.

She wasn't sure how much time had passed when her phone rang loudly by her head and jolted her awake. Amanda felt Sonny twitch, then groan into her shoulder. With minimal movement, she snaked her hand out from underneath the blankets to blindly grab hold of her phone. She picked it up and pressed it to her ear. "Rollins," she croaked.

"Hi, my name is Dr. Rowan, I'm one of the attending physicians at Bellevue emergency department," the voice on the other line greeted her.

Immediately, Amanda was annoyed. "Oh, no, I'm not on duty tonight. You wanna call-"

"No..." The doctor sounded confused. "I'm calling about your sister, Kimberly?"

Her eyes flew open and she quickly struggled to sit up. "My sister? What happened?"

"A friend brought her in," Dr. Rowan continued. "She had a coronary spasm which led to a small heart attack."

"What?! She's thirty-two!" she exclaimed. She felt Sonny sit up beside her.

"If you're able to come down here, I'll discuss it with you further," Dr. Rowan said vaguely. "We admitted her to a medical floor for observation."

Amanda scraped her fingers through her hair as she untangled her limbs from the sheets. "Yeah, I can be there. Give me thirty minutes."

"Have me paged once you arrive," Dr. Rowan instructed.

"I will. Thanks." Hanging up and on her feet, Amanda began to dig through her dresser to find clothes to throw on. She felt nauseous from both her pregnancy and anxiety, but she didn't have time to be sick right now.

"What the hell is goin' on?" Sonny asked, turning on the light by the bed.

"Kim. Bellevue said, they said she had a _heart attack,_ " she explained quickly, pulling off her shirt so she could put on a bra.

Sonny sat up straighter. "Huh? Is she okay?"

"I guess so, I don't know. I've gotta go down there, there's nobody else..." She tugged her t-shirt back over her head before she hopped into a pair of leggings. "Stay with the kids, please? I'll call you when I know what's goin' on."

"I..." he began, then paused. "Okay."

In such a hurry, Amanda barely noticed how uneasy he looked.

* * *

The last place Amanda wanted to be was the third floor of Bellevue hospital on a Friday night, rumpled and exhausted at the reception desk. She did as she had been told: the moment she arrived, she paged the physician who had contacted her earlier that night. In a matter of minutes, the young, female doctor appeared and pulled Amanda aside in the bustling hallway.

"Thanks for calling me. What happened?" Amanda asked the physician anxiously.

"A few hours ago, a male friend brought Kim into the emergency department. She was dizzy, her speech was slurred and she reported intense chest and shoulder pain," Dr. Rowan explained. "She went unconscious briefly. We needed to use the defibrillator on her - in other words, restart her heart."

"How is this possible?" she blurted, dumb-founded. "She's only thirty-two."

"Well... that's the other thing," the doctor went on carefully. "We did standard blood work and a toxicology screen and... there was a massive amount of cocaine in Kim's system. Even in young, healthy people, cocaine can stress the heart muscles pretty quickly and cause something like this."

"Wait a second, hold up - no," Amanda sputtered, holding both of her hands out. "Kim's been, she's been sober. She's been sober for awhile now. She's on parole, she knows if she fails a urine screen she'll be violated."

"I'm afraid the lab report doesn't lie," Dr. Rowan replied, appearing somber. "If she's been sober for a period of time and relapsed, it would explain why her heart became so stressed so quickly."

Her throat tightened. She couldn't decide if she was more shocked, angry or frightened - maybe it was some nauseating combination of all three. "I don't understand, I..." Amanda screwed her eyes shut and shook her head. This busy doctor wasn't interested in her family drama. Looking at the woman again, she asked quietly, "can I see her?"

Dr. Rowan nodded. "Of course. Room six."

Amanda walked briskly down the hallway. In the moment, she was too anxious to be furious - but she knew the anger would come soon. First, she needed to see that her sister was alive and well.

"Kim?" she said, giving room six's door a knock before walking slowly inside.

Kim's lead lolled to one side on her pillow and she gave her older sister a crooked smile. Her eyes were glassy; beneath them there were dark circles. In the large bed, she looked tinier than usual - or maybe Amanda simply hadn't noticed that she had been losing weight again. "'Manda."

"How are you feeling?" Amanda asked anxiously, hovering at Kim's side.

"Not so bad. Something good's in here." She lifted up her arm to indicate the IV she was attached to.

"Kim..." she whispered gently, her gaze searching her sister's face. "What's going on?"

"I was just havin' some fun," Kim told her innocently.

"'Having some fun?' You gave yourself a heart attack," Amanda exclaimed. She ran her fingers through her hair, nerves frayed. Her obvious, growing aggravation was rooted in fear; she stupidly never thought Kim would be in this position again. "I can't believe you're using again, Kim. I can't fucking believe it. You've been doing so well-"

"Maybe I do this better, alright?" she interrupted indignantly. "Livin' life like you want me to, I'm no good at it. It's boring and it's hard."

"And this - this is better? Blowing so much coke you nearly kill yourself?" Amanda demanded, her voice cracking with emotion. She had spent so many years worrying about Kim. Now, that old anxiety flooded Amanda like it had never even left.

She shrugged. "I messed up. I didn't do it on purpose."

"Who brought you here?"

"Eric."

"Who the hell is he? Where's Connor?"

"He's a new friend. Connor and I broke up."

"I'm telling dad that this is what you're using his money for," Amanda blurted, beginning to pace. She could feel her cheeks heating up as outrage began to boil her blood. "And I'm calling your P.O., and you're not steppin' foot around my kids again until you-"

"God, Amanda!" Kim shouted with surprising force. "Stop it, would you? This is _my_ life, not yours! At least when I asked Sonny for help, he just did it without givin' me a lecture."

She froze. "Wait, what?"

Her sister averted her eyes, studying a spot on the wall in front of her.

"What do you mean, you asked Sonny for help?" Amanda pressed.

"A few weeks ago, I knew I was gonna fail my drug test," Kim explained coolly. "Sonny talked to Mark for me. He actually _helped_ me, instead of just yellin'."

Amanda's mouth fell open. She was immediately so shocked and hurt that she thought her legs might give out from underneath her. Sonny was involved in Kim's downward spiral? Even worse: he had kept it from her? She felt her stomach twist in her gut. "Are you fucking kidding me?" she exploded. "He... he did that? You told him you were using, and he got you a free pass from your P.O.?"

Kim sighed. "It wasn't a big deal. You make everything a big deal."

"This _is_ a big deal, Kim!" she shouted. "Look at you! Maybe if Bailey had violated you, you wouldn't be in this position!"

"No, I'd be in jail," her sister snapped.

She clenched her fists at her sides, digging her nails into her palm to ground herself. "Maybe that's where you belong, Kim," she hissed. "At least you're safe there."

"Get outta here," Kim scowled.

Amanda rolled her eyes. "Kim-"

"Get out!" she yelled.

A concerned-looking nurse poked her head in the doorway. "Is everything okay in here?"

"I want her to leave," Kim explained firmly, indicating toward Amanda.

"I'm sorry, but if the patient doesn't want visitors, you should go," the nurse told Amanda gently.

"She's my sister, she's just pissed-"

"I want her outta here now," Kim interrupted with a pout. "I don't feel good."

"You have to leave," the nurse insisted, now sounding stern. "Do I need to get security?"

"What? Are you kiddin' me?" Amanda cried. She looked desperately at her sister; even though Kim was totally irrational, she wanted to be with her. Maybe that made Amanda irrational, too. "Kim!"

Kim crossed her thin arms over her chest and refused to look Amanda in the eye. She appeared more like a stubborn little kid than a grown woman taking control of her own choices.

Amanda felt the nurse's prompting hand on her shoulder and shook it off immediately. "I'm goin'," she growled before charging out into the hallway. Burning up with anger, she headed home to confront her husband.


	20. Chapter 20

**AN:** Sorry this took forever, friends! Wacky week!

* * *

 _we turned our back on ordinary from the start / we looked for stranger things / 'cause that's just who we are_

* * *

" _Amanda? What the hell is goin' on up there?_ " Beth Anne Rollins' voice blared through the speaker of Amanda's phone as she walked down a dark sidewalk in Queens. It was only a voicemail, but her mother's tone was powerful as if she was standing right beside her. " _Your sister called me, woke me out of a dead sleep. She told me she's in the hospital and that you went down there and_ yelled _at her, threatening to turn her in! She messed up, Amanda. God knows you've done it. I was really beginning to think you had finally figured out the value of family, but you're more concerned with bein' a cop than lookin' out for your own sister-_ "

Immediately deleting the message, Amanda then shoved her phone back into her pocket. Beth Anne only had Kim's version of events, but unsurprisingly, she took her youngest daughter's side without question. Even though Amanda recognized the irrationality of both women (was that genetic?), she still felt heavy with guilt. She was so angry at Kim, but she was so scared for her, too - it was the same sickening combination of emotions her younger sister had elicited in her for the majority of their lives. Then there was Sonny's involvement in it all: how could he keep such a thing from her? His deception felt painful, confusing; Amanda wasn't used to experiencing anything but honesty from her husband.

Moving quietly through her dark house, Amanda climbed the stairs and entered her bedroom. She boldly flipped on the light; Sonny groaned beneath his tangle of sheets and said something unintelligible into his pillow.

"Get. Up," Amanda ordered through gritted teeth.

Struggling to sit up, Sonny blinked groggily at her before his eyes widened and he suddenly became alert. "Amanda-"

"What the hell do you think you're doing, doing Kim favors?" she spat, tearing off her leather jacket and tossing it carelessly on the floor.

He blanched and put both of his hands up in a sign of surrender. "I was going to tell-"

"Oh, were you? When, Sonny? When did you think would be the _most appropriate_ time to tell me about what was happening with my own sister?!" Amanda demanded as she crossed her arms tightly over her chest.

His Adam's apple bobbed nervously in his throat. "I thought she was bein' honest," he remarked sheepishly. "I thought she just slipped up-"

"That's the thing, Sonny!" she cried. "That's what she does! She fucking charms you into thinking she's got good intentions but she is always up to something and it's always fucking self-serving. She never feels the consequences of her actions, ever. You should have let her get violated. If you had just minded your own damn business, she would be in jail right now, not on a run that's probably going to kill her!" She was yelling now, not caring that it was two in the morning, not caring that her children were both asleep down the hall. She didn't know how else to get her feelings across.

"Okay, Amanda, calm down," Sonny pleaded, scrambling to get out of bed so he could stand before her. "I fucked up, I shoulda told you. I'm sorry, I just... I thought I was bein' helpful. I thought it would be one time and it'd be done, that it would never come up again."

"My mother called me," Amanda croaked, her voice beginning to tremble as she became more and more overwhelmed. Her head hurt, she was exhausted. She was starving, too - to the point of nausea. Her stress response was clearly exacerbated by her pregnancy. "Kim already got to her, tellin' her I'm being a bully and how I don't care about her, that I'm a police officer first and her sister second." She dropped her arms to her side uselessly. "So, great. Kim's either gonna disappear or go back to jail and my mother hates me again. Yeah, really fucking helpful, Sonny."

"Amanda, I'm really sorry," he insisted weakly. "I didn't want you gettin' all stressed out. I was just tryin' to look out for you."

"Well, _don't!_ " she shouted, an old nerve struck. "I've been telling you for five damn years not to coddle me. I didn't appreciate it then and I don't appreciate it now!"

Sonny reached out for her. "I'm really-"

"Don't, okay? Don't," Amanda snapped, jumping backward. She dragged her fingers through her messy hair, then met Sonny's anxious gaze. "You're the only person I ever trusted not to lie to me, and now... now this. It makes me think: what else are you keeping from me, huh?" She could feel her throat beginning to tighten, a sure sign that she was going to start to cry. It was then that she realized that Sonny's lie hurt even more than Kim's relapse.

The muscles in his face went slack, obviously shocked by her words. "Nothing, I swear to God. I've always been honest with you, I always will be," Sonny promised her, voice low and firm. "You've gotta believe me, 'Manda. I just, I know how you get with Kim. Whenever she goes off the rails, it eats you up inside. It becomes all you think about." He cautiously took a step toward her again and added quietly, "you may not like it, but all I wanted to do was protect you. You worry about Kim, and I worry about you."

Chewing on her lower lip, Amanda studied Sonny. He looked so damn sincere; deep down, she knew that he was. She never had a reason to doubt his love for her, his intense desire to make her happy, so as much as she loathed being coddled, Sonny didn't have a malicious bone in his body. Her shoulders slumped: she was so fucking tired and hungry that she could feel the fight draining out of her with each passing second. Sonny must have sensed her defeat, because he took another step forward and wrapped his arms around her. Her own arms curled and caught between them, she dropped her forehead against his chest, then felt his hand soothing up and down her back.

"I'm sorry, it's just... I'm hungry," she eventually sobbed into his t-shirt, because it was the only emotion out of all of the feelings coursing through her that managed to make it out of her mouth.

The movement of his hand paused. "What?"

"I'm just so, it's just, I can't deal with any of this right now... I'm hungry!" Amanda moaned shamelessly.

"Uh, okay," Sonny chuckled quietly, cautiously, like he wasn't sure if this was better or worse than her screaming. "Why don't we get you something? What d'ya want?"

She wanted a lot of things. "Pancakes," she eventually grumbled.

"Okay," he laughed. "Let's go downstairs."

Shuffling behind Sonny, Amanda followed him down to the dark kitchen. She dropped her body onto a barstool at the island and rested her chin in her hand. The lights on, she watched Sonny open cabinets and drawers as he obediently assembled pancake mix in a large bowl. Any of the anger that she had originally harbored was dissipating. While Sonny's deceit had stung, Amanda knew that he was still the good man he always had been. She had to trust in his reason for keeping her in the dark - as always, he wanted to take care of her. And, as always, Amanda's first reaction was to fault him for that, when in reality, it was the best gift she had ever been given.

"Look, 'Manda. I am sorry, alright?" Sonny told her quietly, glancing at her over his shoulder as he stood at the stove. "It didn't feel right keepin' this from you. I know I shouldn't have." He sighed. "I guess I never thought she'd take advantage of me."

She frowned. "Kim's burned me so many times. I guess now you know how it feels."

"It feels pretty shitty," he mumbled.

She nodded, suddenly sad for him. "Yeah. I know."

* * *

The next day, Amanda called the hospital to talk to Kim - except she was greeted only by a stern employee who informed her that her younger sister had revoked consent to share information about her status. They refused to confirm or deny if Kim was even still admitted there; Kim had undoubtedly used the healthcare privacy laws as a spiteful way to keep Amanda guessing. Amanda called her sister's personal phone repeatedly, but unsurprisingly, she never picked up. She contemplated going to Bellevue in person, but if Kim _was_ still there, her visit would most likely be thwarted by medical staff or erupt into conflict.

As afternoon melted into evening, Amanda took up a spot on the couch with Jesse tucked into her side and Fluffy purring in her lap. The five-year-old was watching _Brave_ for the fifteenth time, but Amanda was simply staring distractedly at the screen in the moments between dialing Kim's number. It was pathetic, but every time it rang, she briefly convinced herself that _this_ would be the call she answered.

The sound of Sonny's heavy footsteps coming down the stairs preceded him. When he appeared in the living room, he had Luca against one hip and his phone in his free hand. He didn't look happy.

Amanda's brow furrowed, concerned. "What?"

He exhaled audibly. "Bailey just texted me," he explained quietly. "He's violatin' her. He put a warrant out."

Her heart dropped into her stomach. All she could do is chew her bottom lip and shrug.

"Have you heard from her?" Sonny asked.

She shook her head solemnly. "No. I bet she's already running. I just wish I knew where."

* * *

 **July, two and a half years earlier.**

With Frannie at her feet, Amanda folded laundry in her Long Island City apartment on a hot July night. Perched on the edge of the couch, she had cleared off the coffee table and separated out the items into piles. In the past, there were only two: one for her and one for her almost-three-year-old, Jesse. Now, there was another collection of clothing, and those belonged to Sonny.

Ever since he had been discharged from the hospital after being shot, Amanda had insisted he stay with her while he recuperated. Months had passed and he had healed, yet he remained in her apartment more nights than not. There hadn't been an explicit discussion about it, but in the rare occasions he returned to his own place, Amanda found herself practically begging him to come back. It wasn't just because he cooked for her or cared for Jesse like she was his own - it was because Amanda loved him. She felt like he belonged there, like he filled some empty space she never even knew existed until they woke up together in the morning and fell asleep intertwined at night.

It was a serious shift in Amanda's perspective. She had never lived with a man before, although she had been intimate with many. To her, sex was different. She knew she was attractive and could keep a guy's attention with the physical, but she wasn't so certain that any of them would be willing to tolerate all the dark corners of her private life. So she kept them all at a distance: they could have certain parts of her, but not the ones that really mattered. Then there was Sonny: warm and thoughtful and kind. He changed everything for Amanda in all of the best ways, once she let him.

She ran her fingers over the soft fabric of a burgundy Fordham t-shirt; one of Jesse's little polka dotted socks was stuck inside the sleeve. Amanda grinned as she separated the two vasty different items. Carefully, she folded the shirt and set it atop his others before she plucked another one from the basket.

The front door clicked open, revealing Sonny, and Frannie jumped up from her spot on the living room floor to run and greet him. Dressed in a gray suit, he was carrying a plastic take-out bag, which he immediately set on the kitchen counter. "Hey, babe," he called. "I got Thai."

"Hi," Amanda smiled, letting the shirt settle in her lap." "How was the night?"

"Eh, not bad. Slow." He shrugged off his suit jacket it and slung it across the back of a barstool, then walked over to join her on the couch. "The baby asleep already?"

"Yeah, she was pretty overtired," she explained. "She was fixin' to throw another epic tantrum."

Sonny nodded, sinking deeper into the couch. He leaned in and kissed her, long and slow. When he pulled away, he quirked an eyebrow as he caught sight of the laundry. "Hey, is that... is this my stuff?"

"Yeah, you just left it all in piles on the bedroom floor, I figured I might as well wash it," she responded coolly, returning to fold the shirt resting on her thighs.

He looked surprised, but pleasantly so. "Oh, well, thanks."

After a moment of quiet, she continued, "so, I've been thinkin'..."

"Yeah?" he yawned, loosening his tie and relaxing back into the cushions. "'Bout what?"

Amanda suddenly felt nervous. This thought had come to her impulsively, but maybe it was for the best. Maybe for once, she would listen to her heart instead of her head. She focused her eyes on the clothes she was working on. "Y'think maybe... maybe, you'd wanna stay?"

"Huh? Of course I'm stayin' tonight. That's why I'm here," Sonny answered her, sounding confused.

"No, I mean, like..." Amanda ran her fingertips over the neatly folded shirt. " _Stay._ "

"I don't - oh. _Oh_." She could practically hear the gears in his head turning as it all clicked into place. "You mean _live_ here?"

She looked over at him timidly, shy. "Yeah. Live here."

"Oh." He sat up straighter and watched her intently. "Okay."

She raised her eyebrows; he had answered her question like she had simply asked if he had wanted Thai for dinner. "Okay?" she repeatedly skeptically.

"Yeah. Okay," Sonny insisted. "I'd like that."

"You would?"

"Of course. I mean, it doesn't make sense, goin' back and forth all the time."

"No, it doesn't..."

"And..."

"And?"

"And..." He shifted closer to her, the sides of their thighs pressed together, and settled a hand on her knee. "And I spend every day waitin' till the moment I can get back here."

Amanda felt a smile pulling at the corners of her mouth as a warmth blossomed in her chest, radiating outward. "I know you have to figure out what to do with your place and everything, but..."

"I'll figure it out," he promised her easily. "I'll sublet it to a student or something, they'll all be back in the city soon."

Abandoning the laundry, Amanda curled up into Sonny's side and snaked her arms around his torso to hug him. His arms wrapped around her, squeezing her close into his body. "I'm happiest when you're here," she admitted in a whisper.

She felt his lips against the top of her head. "I love you," he murmured into her hair.

"I love you, too." She had only told him that for the first time a few months ago; it still felt new and the best sort of scary. She stayed tucked into his side, eyes closed as she listened to his heart beat with her ear to his chest. He smelled familiar, like coffee and Dial soap and the Burberry cologne he wore every day.

"Amanda Rollins, 'doin my laundry. What a time to be alive," Sonny sighed dramatically, the smirk even evident in his voice.

Smiling, Amanda pulled back just slightly to punch him directly in the ribs.


	21. Chapter 21

**AN:** Jesse's first day of school! Oh, and I never wrote anything about the "easy ass Amanda" tidbit from "No Good Reason" and I wanted to. So, there's a 20 year flashback in here. Maybe it'll foreshadow something. Maybe it won't. Who knows! This story is an on-fire garbage can of Rollisi sooo just go with it.

* * *

 _they say I'm too loud for this town / so I lit a match and burned it down_

* * *

"You swear you haven't heard from her?" Amanda asked her father on the phone as she climbed the stairs to Kim's TriBeCa apartment.

"No, I wouldn't keep that from you, darlin'," Pete Rollins insisted.

She rolled her eyes; she wished she could believe him. "Okay..." She stuck her hand in her pocket and fished out Kim's key. "I'm lettin' myself in."

"Alright. Maybe she's in there," Pete said hopefully.

She didn't bother knocking. Bracing herself, Amanda unlocked the door, swung it open and looked around. Instead of finding her sister's place in its usual state of disarray, she saw nothing: no furniture, no dishes, no clothing, no Kim. The apartment was as empty as it had been the day her sister had moved into it. Mouth hanging open, Amanda ran frantically from room to room to find all of them dusty and barren. Her heart began to beat rapidly in her chest, remembering how Kim had left her own apartment in the exact same state years ago. It was not a good sign.

"Mandy? Are you still there?" Pete asked anxiously.

Amanda momentarily forgot that she was holding her phone to her ear, her father waiting on the other end of it. "I... yeah, I'm here," she managed. "She's gone. Everything is gone."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean she cleaned the place out, daddy. It's empty."

"What?! That can't be. I bought her all that stuff, it meant a lot to her. I know that she wouldn't do that."

Suddenly, she was furious. Her father had only been back in their lives for a year but was acting as if he knew his youngest daughter - when in reality, he had missed all of the events that made Kim, Kim. He had skipped over the hard stuff and made his grand reappearance as a mere bystander. "You don't know Kim, dad. I know you think you do, but you've only had a relationship with her for a year," Amanda told him irritably. "She took advantage of you."

After a long pause, he asked meekly, "but, I... where would she go?"

"I don't know, but there's a warrant out for her arrest so if she contacts you, you have to tell me."

"You're gonna turn her in?"

"Yeah."

"Mandy-"

"Her bein' paroled was a mistake," she interrupted him curtly. "She's doing drugs, she's probably not taking her meds... somebody needs to contain her. I need you to promise me you'll tell me if she calls."

"Alright," Pete resigned. "I will."

* * *

On a sunny September morning, Amanda savored her latte in the kitchen. Four months pregnant, that was all the caffeine she was allotted in one day, which was a stark contrast to her usual three cups of coffee. It was better than nothing, though, so she tried to make it last more than five minutes. Constantly energized without requiring a stimulant, Luca ran around the kitchen and living room, a push-and-pull wooden giraffe on wheels trailing behind him. Amanda made the mistake of taking her eyes off of him for one minute to read something in the newspaper, and when she looked up again, she saw him attempting to scale the stairs.

"Hey, Luca, no. No stairs," she called sternly.

Luca stopped, turned around and looked at her with big, blue eyes. "Up! Jethee!" He had trouble pronouncing the 's' in his sister's name.

"Jesse will be downstairs soon," she promised him. "Come have some Cheerios."

He scowled and plopped down defiantly on the bottom step. "No."

Amanda rolled her eyes. "Fine, I'll eat them," she told her son cheerfully, plucking cereal from the tray of his high chair and popping them into her mouth.

Sonny came pounding down the stairs, narrowly dodging the new obstacle at the end of them. "Whoa! Watch out, big guy," he warned Luca as he moved around him. Sonny held his prized Canon up for Amanda to see. "Camera's all set."

Jesse came skipping down the stairs next, brandishing a comb. "Mama, I have the brush," she announced when she reached the kitchen. Her brother toddled after her, abandoning his giraffe in the process. Dressed in a blue chambray skirt, a pink top and brown boots, Jesse was almost ready for her first day of kindergarten. Her light brown hair was still unsurprisingly unruly, which was why Amanda had instructed her to come downstairs with a comb.

"Look at you, you're gonna be the prettiest girl in kindergarten," Sonny remarked, pulling open the refrigerator.

"Mhm," the five-year-old agreed confidently as she climbed atop a bar stool at the island.

Amanda stood behind her and went to work taming her hair. She picked up the barrette Jesse had brought with her in order to clip half of it up and back, away from her face. "Are you excited?"

Jesse nodded. "Uh huh."

"What d'ya think you're gonna learn?" she asked her daughter.

"School stuff. Recess. I have to bring lunch in my backpack," Jesse rambled.

"You got it." Sonny held up her _Frozen_ lunch box then peered inside, checking its contents. "Peanut butter and fluff on white bread, no crust, an apple cranberry juice box and a cheese stick."

"No dessert?" Jesse frowned.

He made a show of appearing confused. "I didn't think big girls needed dessert anymore..."

"I do!" she insisted.

"Ah, okay," he resigned with a sly grin. "How about some Oreos?"

"Yes, please," Jesse agreed sweetly.

While Sonny completed Jesse's lunch, Amanda wrangled Luca into his jacket and stroller. Once the little girl had her backpack on and had said goodbye to both Frannie and Fluffy, they all headed out the door. Jesse held Sonny's hand as they walked beside Amanda, who pushed Luca along.

"Are you gonna pick me up?" Jesse asked them both curiously.

"Audrey will," Amanda replied.

"Why not you?" she moaned dramatically.

Amanda sighed. "'Cause we have to go to work."

"But it'll be night time," Jesse challenged.

"I know, baby. But we had to go in in the afternoon instead, so we could be here with you this morning." she explained. "But I promise I'll call you and you can tell me all about your day."

"Okay," she pouted.

Elm Tree Elementary school was a walkable distance from their house. Sonny had begged to send Jesse to Catholic school instead, but unsurprisingly, Amanda had refused. _I'm not gonna put my kid in a cult before she is old enough to choose for herself_ , she had told him brashly. When he had worn her down enough to get her to at least research places, once they both saw that tuition cost ten thousand dollars a year for a parochial education, the issue died on the vine.

Once they reached the school, Amanda started to get nervous, but Jesse seemed fine. Pausing on the sidewalk, Sonny instructed Jesse to stand in front of the school's sign for a picture. The five-year-old loved having her photo taken, so she eagerly struck a pose and grinned widely as the camera clicked.

"Now one with your mother," Sonny said, waving Amanda over.

Moving away from the stroller, Amanda crouched by Jesse's side so she was about her daughter's height. Wrapping their arms around one another, they both grinned obediently.

"Ah, perfect. What a coupla beauties," he observed approvingly.

The next ten minutes were spent trading places with each other for different photo combinations. Once every option was exhausted, they all made their way inside the quaint building. As Amanda had been instructed, they entered the main office for guidance. Just as she was pulling paperwork out of Jesse's backpack, a young brunette appeared to greet them.

"Hi, I'm Jenny!" the woman said cheerfully. She looked between Amanda and Sonny, then down at Jesse. "Who do we have here?"

"This is Jesse," Amanda told her. "She's here for her first day of kindergarten. Miss Lucy's class."

"Jesse! It's so nice to meet you," Jenny grinned.

"Hi. That's my brother, Luca. He's still a baby so he can't go to school. Just me," Jesse explained proudly, gesturing to Luca in his stroller.

"Oh, no, of course not. Not till he's big like you." Jenny made a show of nodding seriously in agreement. "Y'want me to show you to your classroom?"

"Yes, please," Jesse said.

"Okay! Why don't you say 'bye to your mom and dad and I'll drop off this paper work. Then I'll come back and get you in a second," Jenny suggested as she took the forms from Amanda's forms and disappeared into another office.

Amanda crouched down in front of Jesse, Sonny doing the same at her side. "Okay, baby. Have a great day," she told her daughter, anxiously straightening her pink top over the waist of her skirt. "No yelling, no hitting. Remember to listen."

"Yes, mama," Jesse replied obediently.

"What do I always tell you? 'Do unto others...'" Sonny prompted her.

Jesse scrunched her nose, remembering. "'...as you would have... them do to you.'"

He nodded. "Right."

"I love you so much," Amanda croaked. She had promised herself that she wasn't going to cry - at least not in front of Jesse. "I'm gonna call you when you're done, okay?"

"Okay." Jesse leaned in and gave her mother a hug. Amanda squeezed her close. "Love you, mama."

"You're gonna do great," Sonny insisted confidently. "Love you, Jess."

"Love you, too," Jesse told him when she moved to give him a hug next.

When Jenny reappeared, she took Jesse's hand, the little girl now fidgeting with excitement. She wriggled her free fingers in a wave as they began to walk away. "Bye, mama! Bye, daddy!" she called.

"Bye!" they replied in unison.

Amanda thought that Jesse would at least cast a timid glance over her shoulder for reassurance as she headed down the unfamiliar hallway to her new classroom. She didn't, though - she just skipped along side Jenny like they had known each other for years. Amanda felt tears begin to well up in her eyes at how easily her daughter had transitioned from toddler to elementary school student. Wasn't it just yesterday that Jesse was drooling against her shoulder with a belly full of milk, the top of her fuzzy little head warm against Amanda's cheek?

"Aw, 'Manda, it's alright," Sonny chuckled quietly, putting an arm around her shoulder.

"I know, I know," she squeaked, voice catching with emotion. "It's just... she used to be so small."

He squeezed her. "But hey, look! You kept her alive for five whole years."

Amanda grinned with a sudden realization: " _we_ did."

* * *

"Hey, baby, how'd it go?" Amanda asked Jesse from her desk in the squad room, the little girl's face displayed on the screen of her laptop.

"Hi, mama!" Jesse wiggled around in her seat; she was at the kitchen island. She shoved a handful of Goldfish crackers into her mouth and said thickly, "I had a good day."

Fin came up behind Amanda and crouched down to wave at Jesse. "Hey, little J."

"Hi, Fin. Where's daddy?" Jesse asked curiously.

"He's the only one doin' work," Fin remarked with a smirk. "You get all A's today?"

"No, I don't know what that is!" she snorted, then widened her brown eyes. "I got a gold star for being a helper."

"That's awesome!" Amanda told her. "Did you make any friends?"

"Everyone is my friend," her daughter said easily.

"You got a boyfriend?" Fin wondered.

"No!" she squealed, like it was the funniest thing she had ever heard. "Dad says I can't have a boyfriend till I'm thirty."

"Sounds about right," Fin muttered.

"When are you comin' home?" Jesse asked Amanda.

"Late," she frowned. "You'll be asleep."

"Will you say g'night?"

"Of course."

"Hey, slugger, don't forget: I'm comin' to your T-ball game this weekend," Fin added.

"Yeah!" Jesse exclaimed.

Amanda glanced at her watch. "Alright, baby, go finish your snack," she instructed her daughter. "I gotta get back to work."

"Will you tell daddy to call me?" she whined. "Don't tell him about my star. I wanna."

She nodded. "You got it," she promised.

* * *

 **April, twenty years earlier.**

Amanda drove her decrepit red Mazda to the empty Loganville High School parking lot. Saturday morning track practice was always painful, but it was especially awful hungover. Though she was dizzy and nauseous, it wasn't the physical consequences of her Friday night that bothered the seventeen-year-old the most - it was the hazy fog that interrupted her recollection of the entire evening. With the ignition off, she tilted her head back and closed her eyes, trying to remember exactly what had happened in the hours prior.

Jason Prescott had a house party. She couldn't believe that he had invited her; she had had a crush on him for months. Jason was the prize of Loganville High: tall, handsome and athletic. As the Red Devils' precious football captain and the class president, he was the human embodiment of an after-school special. He charmed his peers and teachers alike; he had a smile that spread honey-slow and lopsided whenever he spoke. When Jason paid her any attention, it made Amanda feel like she was the only person on the planet that mattered. Of course, he always had girlfriends who oozed the kind of sex appeal no high school kid should possess: hour-glass figures, pouty lips and big, promising eyes. Amanda was pretty but she had sharp edges, features that could be cold and guarded. Her life had not been easy and it was written on her face.

Two months ago, she had been enough for Jason's best friend, Taylor. He was cute, too, but everybody knew his real appeal was attributed to his proximity to Jason. Or, at least that's why Amanda had gravitated toward him one night. Hungry for the attention she never got at home, she had hovered around Taylor at a party after the winter dance. It didn't take much: a few wine coolers and slurred sweet words and she found herself in the back seat of his parents' Buick. She barely remembered the interaction now, except for how fleeting the sense of validation had been. Once it was over, Amanda felt hollow and used. Much to her relief, they never spoke of it again, although it sometimes stung how easily Taylor looked right past her in the hallway each day at school.

Pulling in a deep breath, Amanda hauled herself out of her car and made her way over to the track that encircled the football field. Her inner thighs ached as she walked. Closing her eyes again, the temporary darkness was quickly flooded with a flash of bare skin, a room filled with gleaming athletic trophies, a distinct crooked smile. Her nostrils were suddenly filled with the smell of cheap beer and bad cologne and that's how she knew - she had slept with Jason Prescott last night. Eyes flying open, her heart began to race in her chest; she could feel her feet continuing to carry her toward the rest of her track team, but her mind was very far away. How had it happened? How had she gotten home? Had Jason called her that morning and her mother was simply too flaky to give her the message? Amanda's heart leapt at the idea of the most popular guy at Loganville High being genuinely interested in her. It was still possible, if only she could talk to him...

"Rollins, nice of you to join us," Coach Lesley barked at her sarcastically.

"Sorry, I... my car. Car trouble," Amanda mumbled lamely, dropping her gym bag on the grass and avoiding the stern woman's gaze.

"Uh huh," Lesley grumbled with obvious skepticism. "I want y'all to give me ten laps as a warm-up. Now!"

Amanda tied her hair up into a ponytail before joining the other girls on the track. As they began to run, her good friend, Grace, kept pace beside her.

"How was it, Mandy?" Grace asked excitedly.

"It was... it was fun," Amanda replied tentatively, eyes focused straight ahead. Moving her legs felt surprisingly good; the cool morning air in her lungs was refreshing. "You shoulda come."

"I had to babysit, I couldn't get out of it," she groaned. "Did you talk to Jason at all?"

"Uh, well-"

"There she is!" a familiar male voice hollered in the distance.

It was loud enough to get her attention. Amanda looked over at the bleachers: Jason, Taylor and another boy she didn't know were watching them all from above. Jason was pointing to the team as they ran by.

"Easy ass Amanda!" Jason whooped, wearing a lecherous smile.

"Oh, yeah! I heard if you liquor her up real good, she'll do anything you want!" Taylor added boldly.

"What the hell are they talkin' about?" Grace sputtered, sounding outraged and confused.

"Hey, Amanda! How about a threesome, huh?" another voice in the stands chimed in provocatively.

All of the girls on her team began casting looks over their shoulders: first at the boys, then at Amanda. Next came their rumbles of laughter and not-so-subtle whispers as they all exchanged amused glances; this was high school entertainment at its finest. Amanda felt her heart jump into her throat, sweat forming along her hairline not from exertion but from red-hot embarrassment. Whatever brief fantasy she had entertained about Jason being interested in her disappeared, now replaced by a heavy, sinking feeling of shame. Soon everybody would know what she had done - even if she barely remembered it. She tried to keep running, tried to pretend she was unaffected by their taunting, but it was all so loud in her ears. Distracted by her growing panic, Amanda collided into Sarah, the girl in front of her.

"Hey, watch it, _Easy Ass!_ " Sarah snapped before erupting into giggles.

Mouth too dry to apologize, Amanda stumbled but managed to separate herself from the rest of the team. Alone on the grass, she watched them effortlessly continue their run. Her chest was rising and falling rapidly as she looked up into the bleachers; all three boys waved before bursting into laughter. Amanda felt her stomach turn, a combination of humiliation and her hang over. _Easy ass Amanda._ That name would undoubtedly stick; it would probably even get back to her mother. The label would follow Amanda everywhere. Nobody would remember her for her good grades or her athletic ability, just her pathetic, sloppy attempts at feeling special.

"Rollins!" Coach Lesley shouted, jogging over to her. "Get back on the track! What's wrong with you?"

Amanda shrugged her thin shoulders and swallowed thickly. "I... got a cramp."

Lesley looked at her, then glanced up at the bleachers, to the three guys still leering. "You better watch how you conduct yourself outside of school," she advised quietly, cold judgement in her tone. "You're gonna end up makin' a name for yourself."

Cheeks burning, Amanda cast her eyes downward and nodded obediently. _Too late._

 **Four months later...**

"Are you sure you wanna do this, Mandy?" Grace hiccuped.

"I'm sure," Amanda insisted, clutching a blue water bottle filled with whiskey as she and her best friend walked down Main Street at midnight. The liquor was almost gone by now; they had stolen it from her mother hours earlier.

"It's gonna hurt!" Grace squeaked.

Amanda rolled her eyes and reminded her mischievously, "that's why we're drinkin'."

"I dunno..." she sing-songed as she traipsed along the sidewalk.

"C'mon! It's my birthday!" Amanda whined, knocking her shoulder against Grace's. "It's all I want."

"Alright, alright. We're here already anyhow," she sighed. "No turnin' back now."

The sign for the Compass Rose Tattoo shop buzzed in pink neon before them. There was a chubby Bassett hound tied up out front, lazing on it stomach, its long ears spread out on the pavement. The dog only watched them as Amanda pulled open the front door, a bell jingling to signal their arrival. Inside, the small studio was bathed in bright fluorescent light. The only two people were presumably the artists, two burly and heavily-tattooed men who both had their feet propped up on the messy front desk.

"Can we help you?" one of them asked, barely looking up from the car magazine he was reading.

"Hi. I'm here for a tattoo," Amanda said. "My friend, too."

Both men appeared skeptical. "How old are you, darlin'?"

She pulled her license from the back pocket of her jeans and held it up. "I'm eighteen. Today's my birthday," she told them proudly.

"And you?" one of the men asked Grace.

"I'm eighteen, too," she drawled, her I.D. in her hand.

The men exchanged glances. "You got cash?"

Amanda dug around in her other pocket and tugged out a wad of crumpled bills - fifty dollars that she had saved over the course of nine months. She set it down on the desk.

"You know what you want?" he asked.

"Yeah. I want my name in pretty writing. You know, fancy. Cursive. In white ink." Amanda held out her left arm and pointed to the inside of it. "Right here."

"White?" he repeated.

"So my mama doesn't see it easy," she explained. "But I'll know it's there."

He looked at Grace. "How 'bout you?"

"I wanna flower on my ankle," Grace told him sweetly.

Standing up, he handed each of them a heavy binder of lettering and designs. "I'm Rodney," he introduced himself. He motioned to the other man. "This here is Jake. Pick out what y'all want and we'll take care of you."

Grinning, Amanda exchanged excited glances with her friend. For ten minutes, they tittered over their options, Amanda finally settling on a thin, elegant script and Grace choosing a dainty daisy. They paid, then Jake took Grace to one station and Rodney took Amanda to another. The two girls giggled at each other from opposite sides of the room.

Sitting in a big leather chair, she set her elbow on wide surface of the arm, pale forearm facing upward. She watched as Rodney prepared the area with a cool swipe of an alcohol pad, then set the stencil against her skin. When he pulled the transfer paper away, her name stood out in blue-black ink. With Amanda's nod of approval, he started up the tattoo gun. Her heart began to quicken in her chest, drunk off of the alcohol in her veins and the thrill of making such a permanent decision. She smiled down at the script. _This is who I am,_ she thought victoriously. _I'm never gonna forget it again._

"This is gonna sting," Rodney warned her over the buzz of the device in his hand, hovering the needle just barely over her arm.

"That's okay." Amanda's icy blue eyes narrowed. "I'm not scared."


	22. Chapter 22

**AN:** Hey all, I hope those who celebrated had a good Thanksgiving! Here is a holiday-themed update for ya.

On a different note, in the interest of transparency, I must admit something: I've contemplated ending this series sooner rather than later. Not because I don't love writing them (they are like my little pets), but because I get the sense that interest might be waning. And that's okay, that happens! Writing is an outlet for me that doubles as entertainment for others when it's made public, so this is something I have been thinking about lately... for whatever that's worth.

* * *

 _you think that you know my heart / and you probably do_

* * *

"Oh my goodness, Jesse, don't you look pretty!" Sonny's mother cried as they all crowded into the house on the afternoon of Thanksgiving. She wrapped the little girl up in a hug before stepping back to admire her outfit again: a simple evergreen dress with a pleated skirt that twirled over cream colored-tights. It had been a battle for Amanda to get her into anything other than her _Frozen_ pajamas, but the end result thankfully didn't indicate any of the previous struggle.

"Thank you," Jesse replied sweetly, making a show of holding out her skirt daintily. "Nana, can I have some pie?"

"Not till after dinner," she chuckled, smoothing her palm over her granddaughter's neatly braided hair.

Distracted almost immediately, Jesse asked, "is Angelina here?"

"Of course," Mrs. Carisi nodded. "She's out in the yard."

Abandoning her parents and brother, Jesse sprinting to the back of the house.

"There's my sweet boy," Mrs. Carisi cooed, pulling Luca from Sonny's arms. She moved to Amanda to give her a hung, pulling away to eye her just as she had done with Jesse. She grinned widely. "You're glowing, Amanda. You look great."

"Thank you." Amanda smiled gratefully. For as much as Sonny's mother could nag, at her core, she was consistently the warmest person she had ever met. After they had lost the baby, she had lit so many candles at the Carisi family church that it was a wonder Saint Clare's had any left over. As always, his mother treated Amanda like she was her own daughter - never anything less - and that was a wonderful thing to be.

"How about me, ma?" Sonny asked with a goofy grin as she shook off his coat.

His mother rolled her eyes good-naturedly. She reached up and patted her son's cheek adoringly. "You look very handsome."

"Do you need help with anything?" Amanda asked curiously, peering around the kitchen.

"No, no. Not a thing," Mrs. Carisi insisted. "Why don't you sit down and relax? Dinner's almost ready. Dom's in the living room with everybody... all the appetizers are in there, too."

'Everybody' was the appropriate descriptor: the Carisi's living and dining area was packed with people. Unsurprisingly, there was a long table set up with elaborate autumnal decorations, from foliage centerpieces to gilded napkin rings. Sonny's mother lived for entertaining - especially when the focus was largely on food. Nobody was sitting down yet: they were milling around with glasses in hand, talking and laughing. It was hardly just relatives, because over the years the Carisi family had collected a lot of people who weren't related by blood. It had taken Amanda a little while, but she had finally figured out who was married to who, how this one knew that one, all of them bound by their common appreciation for a wonderful family. Their sheer mass and volume was overwhelming on occasion, but as she watched her children be hugged and kissed and fawned over by every adult in the room, Amanda felt lucky.

When it was time for dinner, Amanda sat Luca on her lap and his fingers eagerly grabbed at the contents of her full plate. He shoved a piece of cut-up turkey into his mouth before Amanda could put his plastic fork in his hand. It was more of a formality than anything else: most of the time he was so hungry that he got frustrated with his limited motor skills and tossed it aside. As he earnestly attempted to maneuver some mashed potatoes onto the prongs, out of the corner of Amanda's eye, she saw Jesse picking up a chunk of stuffing to eat with her fingers. She was sitting on the other side of Sonny, who was too involved in his own dinner to notice.

"Hey, Jesse, use your fork, please," she chided her daughter, peering over Sonny, wearing her most 'mom' expression. "What are you thinkin'?"

"Luca eats with his fingers," Jesse whined.

"He's not a big kid. You are," Sonny added, suddenly aware of Jesse's transgression.

"Don't forget: Santa's watchin'," Dominick Sr. reminded her from his place at the head of the table.

The five-year-old's eyes widened. "Already?"

Dominick nodded seriously. "You bet. He always is."

That was all the convincing Jesse needed: she sat up straight, picked up her fork and knife and began delicately cutting up her food. Beside her, Bella's daughter Angelina mimicked her, most likely equally as concerned about Santa's opinion.

"So... do you know what you're havin' yet?" Gina asked Amanda from across the table above all the other chatter.

She shook her head. "No, I wanted it to be a surprise."

"I thought you hated surprises," Gina laughed into her wine glass.

Amanda shrugged sheepishly; she wasn't wrong. She glanced over at Sonny and smiled. "I dunno. I guess I figured this would be a good one." Beneath the table, she felt Sonny set a hand atop her knee.

"Is everything goin' okay?" Bella asked, her tone light. People had tip-toed around her miscarriage and subsequent pregnancy in the beginning, which was profoundly awkward. Now, Amanda appreciated Bella's commitment to moving forward.

"Everything is good," she assured her sister-in-law. "I'm tired, but I mean... I'm always tired. The baby's good, though."

"Are you still working?" Bella asked curiously.

"She's on desk duty," Sonny answered, mouth full but still somehow managing to sound amused.

Amanda scowled. "And I'll be on bed rest for the last month."

"I wish I could lay down for a month," Bella sighed.

"It's torture," she insisted melodramatically. "It's like bein' on house arrest. You aren't supposed to stand up for more than five minutes."

"You're due in February, right? It'll be cold out anyway," Bella reasoned.

"That's the only plus side. Then Sonny has to be the one to take Frannie out when it's below zero," Amanda smirked.

Dinner went on for hours, but that was the norm for a Carisi family holiday. When the food was gone and the dishes were cleared, people simply relocated to the living room to continue with dessert and coffee. Amanda helped Sonny's mother clean; it was the only thing in the kitchen Amanda was competent at. When she eventually returned to the rest of the group, she hung back in the doorway, observing. Sonny's father was showing all of the kids magic tricks, their eyes wide with amazement every time he made a quarter disappear - then turn up behind one of their ears. Her gaze drifted over to Sonny, who was laughing with his sisters, an arm squeezing Teresa's shoulders as he undoubtedly teased her. Amanda felt a tug at her heart, thinking of her own younger sibling. She hadn't heard from Kim since the night she had thrown her out of her hospital room. She didn't know where she was, what or how she was doing. Kim had a knack for disappearing, and while Amanda used to be able to tolerate it, these days her absence weighed heavily on her. She had gotten used to her sister's active role in her life.

Slipping away unnoticed, Amanda moved down the hallway. She shrugged on her coat, then crept outside onto the empty patio, the yard illuminated only by the warm light pouring from the windows of the house. It was cold out, but not freezing. She reached into her pocket and pulled out her phone. Pressing Kim's name on her speed dial list, she held the phone to her ear and listened to it ring. Amanda's cheeks began to warm in anticipation as she wondered if she would finally be able to talk to her sister. Just as quickly as she had been filled with hope, her heart then sunk when only the voicemail answered.

"Hey, Kim. It's me. Happy Thanksgiving," she started off cheerfully, then a lump rose in her throat at her lame attempt at normalcy. "Listen, I hope you're alright..." she continued quietly. She toed at a piece of loose brick on the ground. "Call me or text me or something, would you? You don't have to tell me where you are. I just wanna know you're okay, Kim. The kids are missin' you and I don't know what to tell them. I'm sorry about how things went, just... let me know you're okay. I, well, I love ya. Bye."

Amanda looked down at the screen of her phone as the call ended. _Maybe she'll call me back,_ she thought. Frowning, she gave a little shake of her head, as if to physically banish such a ridiculous thought. She considered contacting her mother next, but Beth Anne was still hostile toward her for what she believed took place between the two sisters. Her mother could be petty and passive aggressive; she would give Amanda the silent treatment until she begged for forgiveness. Foolishly, after the past year or so, Amanda thought she would never have to play that game with her again. Now she found herself right back in the middle of it.

She dialed her father's number and he picked up after three rings.

"Hey, daddy," she greeted him.

"Mandy? Hey, how are ya?" Pete Rollins slurred. His voice was loud over whatever was going on in the background: Amanda could hear a lot of laugher and talking mixed with music, like her father was standing in the middle of a giant party.

"I'm good. Happy Thanksgiving..."

"Yeah. Yeah, you too."

"Where are you?"

"Huh? Oh I'm... I'm in Miami. Look, darlin', I can't really talk right now."

"Okay, well-"

Her phone beeped twice, indicating that her father had already hung up on her. She chewed the inside of her cheek as she shoved the device back into her pocket. She was almost embarrassed by how disappointed she felt. It was an odd thing to long for, but Amanda wished she could go back in time and regain some of her well-practiced coldness. Nothing ever used to bother her; now everything did. She had learned that being numb was no way to go through life, but when it came to things like this, it had proven to be helpful.

"'Manda?" Sonny's voice called suddenly from behind her. "Whatcha doin' out here?"

She turned around and watched as he shut the back door behind him. He hadn't put his coat on over his gray sweater. "I just thought I'd try to call my family," she explained.

Sonny nodded slowly, crossing his arms tightly over his chest for warmth as he stood near her. "You get any of them?"

Amanda shook her head.

"Well, you're missin' more dessert," he coaxed, knowing better than to press the sensitive subject. "There's tiramisu and my ma forgot all about this banana cream pie she had in the fridge. Who forgets about an entire pie? Ah, whatever... and, yeah, people are askin' for you, too."

She couldn't help but smile. "I love banana cream pie."

"I know, c'mon." Sonny reached out for her.

Still grinning, Amanda went back inside with her family.


	23. Chapter 23

**AN:** Thank you all for your kind reviews and messages. If there is still interest in these two (four... almost five!), I won't be abandoning the Rollisi ship! Honestly, I just didn't want to bore you guys with my little hobby.

Coming up, full disclosure: I stole a bit of dialogue from the "Sheltered Outcasts" episode (one of my personal faves) to set the scene. Nobody sue me, I ain't got time for that.

* * *

 _close my eyes and think of you / go to sleep and dream of you / we don't get to be here long_

* * *

 **Four and a half years earlier.**

"You want me to smack Carisi around a little bit, make his cover look good?" Fin asked Liv hopefully.

The lieutenant rolled her eyes. "Fin, we had two rapes in Inwood this month. That's why Carisi volunteered to live in that shelter undercover." She added with a smirk, "would you like to take his place?"

Fin held up both hands in wide-eyed surrender. "No, copy that," he assured her before slipping out of her office.

Amanda lingered. Chewing on her lower lip, she watched Liv fuss with papers on her desk. There were anxious words trapped behind Amanda's teeth, threatening to escape. She rocked back and forth on the heels of her boots, knowing that she should leave, but wanting relief from her mounting worry. "Carisi does look like hell..."

"Well, I think he's just trying to fit in. Right?" Liv responded breezily. "If he wants out, he'll let me know himself."

"See, I don't think he would," she blurted, then winced when she watched a shadow cross her lieutenant's face. Yep, she should have left with Fin. _God, fuck, why can't I ever just leave well enough alone?_ she cursed herself internally. "Never mind," Amanda stammered stupidly. "I'm glad you're back, you're the boss and uh, like you said... we just have to trust each other."

Liv's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Exactly."

The next morning, Amanda slid an envelope across the sticky surface of a table at Westway diner. "Here's a letter from your 'P.O.' for Robin," she murmured, then added with a small, sly smile, "we made you the coverboy for Probation Magazine."

Sonny took the document and quickly shoved it inside of his coat. "Thanks," he smirked. With a sigh, he pulled off his beanie, revealing a mass of unruly hair. He carded a hand through it then slumped back into the booth.

She wrapped her cold palms around her warm coffee mug the second the waitress put it in front of her. It was six in the morning and Amanda was fresh off of a brisk run. Usually, she went right home to get ready for work, but that day she had planned a detour: she had offered to personally deliver Sonny his fake probation letter to bolster his cover. It was totally unnecessary - he could have come by the precinct - but Amanda didn't want to share him with anybody. It had been five days since they had been alone together - yes, she had been counting. That was one of the problems with sleeping with a colleague, particularly one who was working a case that forced him to reside at a homeless shelter. Their jobs came first.

Their relationship - whatever it was - was brand new. It was their unspoken, shared secret. Amanda had quickly become infatuated with Sonny, so much so that she often felt like she was losing her mind. It made her nervous and itchy and terrified, but she still couldn't seem to get enough. A few weeks ago, she had allowed him to sleep over for the first time, instead of awkwardly escaping his apartment or having him leave hers at two in the morning. It hadn't been planned; it was the seductive combination of warm, tangled limbs, Sonny's scruffy face nuzzling the crook of her neck while his rough palms mapped out her body like he was doing his very best to memorize it. To memorize _her._ Amanda found a different sort of need satisfied when his breathing got slow and even, his weight sturdy and sure behind her half-asleep frame. _Y'want me to go?_ he had rumbled into her hair obediently. As usual, Sonny didn't sound angry or even annoyed by her commitment to keeping emotional distance between them. Amanda didn't know what made her shake her head and tell him _no, stay_ that night, but now when she was in bed, she couldn't remember why she ever preferred to be alone.

"How ya doin'?" Amanda asked him.

He shrugged. "Okay. Hungry. The food at the shelter blows."

Amanda nodded and took a thoughtful sip of her coffee. "How are your roommates?"

"Whaddya think? They're all scumbags," Sonny scoffed. Gaze downcast, he toyed with his mug, brow furrowed. "But like, it's weird, y'know? We shoot the shit in between groups and talk about sports and play cards and I find myself... almost enjoyin' their company, which makes me feel... well, like a scumbag."

She frowned. "You want out?"

"Nah. I'm good," he insisted. His eyes brightened as he asked, "how's Jesse?"

"She's good," she smiled. "She's just starting to teethe, which is kind of a nightmare."

"She cryin' all the time?" Sonny guessed, cringing.

"Pretty much, yeah," Amanda sighed.

Sonny nodded slowly. For a moment, neither of them said anything, but it wasn't uncomfortable silence. He sat up straighter, then leaned in, resting his forearms on the table as his hands wrapped around his coffee. "I miss ya."

Like a love-struck teenager, she felt heat rise in her cheeks at his words. "I miss you, too," she murmured, eyes on the liquid in her own cup before she flickered them back up to Sonny's face. He looked a combination of earnest and shy, which was only intensified by how wonderfully ridiculous his hair looked sticking up in every direction. A grin tugged at the corners of her mouth. "Here, you've got, let me..." Leaning in, Amanda reached across to gently tame some of the wilder strands. Her fingers lingered at the gray at his temples before dropping down onto the table once more. "There."

He smiled, then his hand crept across the surface between them to interlace their fingers. They sat like that for awhile.

After they finished breakfast, they both shrugged their coats back on and pulled hats over their ears. Huddled against the cold morning air, they walked side by side, shoulders bumping occasionally. Once they arrived outside of the bustling entrance of the Rockefeller Center station, they stopped on the sidewalk. Amanda stared up at him expectantly through the sweep of her bangs; with only her sneakers on, he was five inches taller than she was.

"We probably shouldn't get on the train together, huh?" Sonny suggested, then added with a smirk, "if somebody sees me... these guys gossip more than teenage girls."

Amanda nodded in agreement. "I'll get on at Bryant Park."

"No, I will. You gotta get to work."

"Okay."

Sonny cast a furtive glance around, then tugged at the sleeve of her jacket to prompt her to follow him into the small alley between a near-by jewelry store and Starbucks. Confused, Amanda stepped aside with him into the dingy space, people moving past them down the sidewalk. She was about to ask what, exactly, he was doing - until his rough palms were cupping her face and her mouth was suddenly occupied by his in a kiss. He tasted like coffee and cigarettes and syrup, all of it warm and exciting on her tongue. Amanda's fingers tugged at the fabric of his coat, simultaneously bracing herself and pulling him closer. She had to actively suppress a whine; she wished he could come over. She couldn't recall the last time she felt so helplessly desperate for another human being, all Amanda knew was that when she was around him, the clouds in her world lifted.

"I'll call ya later," he murmured against her lips.

She pressed closer to him. "Promise?"

He kissed her again, slowly and deliberately. "I promise." His hands dropped from her face to cover hers at his chest. "I gotta go."

Amanda nodded, fingers slowly uncurling their grip on his jacket. "Yeah, alright."

With one last brush of his lips against hers, Sonny left her there, burning hot and fervent despite the biting winter wind.

* * *

"Pass me the tape, will ya?" Sonny asked Amanda.

She rummaged through shreds of wrapping paper, bows and ribbon strewn across the comforter of their bed to unearth the tape dispenser. One of the few rooms in their house with a lock, it was the safest place to wrap Christmas presents without fear of Jesse or Luca barging in. Both of them were asleep, but that didn't guarantee anything, especially since Luca had only recently transitioned from his crib to a bed. It had been an interesting process: sometimes she would wake up to him hovering by the edge of their mattress, demanding, _get up, mama!_ at four thirty in the morning. So even though she and Sonny had a lot of things to get through, it was oddly relaxing, sitting quietly with him while they worked.

Amanda carefully tied a red ribbon around a wrapped toy for Bella and Tommy's son, Gabriel. He was only a baby, but she still took care to make the box attractive. Satisfied with its appearance, Amanda set it at the end of the bed with the other completed gifts. Next, she pulled a Lego Duplo construction set from the big bag beside her; it was for Luca. She chose wrapping paper covered in little cartoon penguins to begin to cover the box with it. On the gift tag, she scrawled, _To: Luca, Love: Santa._ Out of the corner of her eye, she caught sight of Sonny's profile, his brow furrowed in concentration as he worked to pick off the backing of a bow. Amanda smiled to herself; he consistently tackled every task he was handed with all of his effort.

"What d'ya want for Christmas?" he asked her randomly.

Amanda set Luca's present next to Gabriel's. "Knicks tickets."

Sonny grinned proudly. "I knew I married you for a reason."

She smiled, too, until she felt a sharp jab in her ribs that made her wince. "Ow, shit."

"What's the matter?"

"I just got kicked in the - ah!" The sensation struck her again and she curled forward around her six-month-pregnant stomach, her face scrunched in discomfort.

"Lemme feel," Sonny said eagerly, shifting closer to her.

Amanda slumped back so her shoulders rested against the headboard, the swell of her stomach protruding. She reached for Sonny's hand and set it at the top of her abdomen, toward her right side. "Feel it? I think that's, ugh, a foot in my ribs."

"Oh yeah, there it is. So cool," he gushed excitedly.

"Hurts," she grunted.

Sonny's hand slowly soothed over curve of her belly, a welcomed contrast to the intense spasm-like feeling taking place inside of her. "Y'think maybe it's time to move some stuff into the baby's room?" he suggested gently. His gaze flitted from her stomach to her face. "I can paint it whatever color you want, maybe put Luca's crib back together..."

She looked over at him: his expression was so eager, so hopeful, that Amanda couldn't help but grin. The nursery had remained empty in the months after her miscarriage; she hadn't even gone in there since discovering she was pregnant again. She knew it was silly, but even six months later with a healthy child rolling around inside of her, she still feared getting her hopes up. She would never forget that feeling of crushing grief, how disappointed and confused she had been after losing that baby. The experience had made her grateful, but wary.

"I still like light gray," Amanda told him tentatively.

He nodded. "Maybe we can go to the store this week. Get some stuff."

After a thoughtful moment of silence, she concluded, "elephants."

Sonny quirked an eyebrow. "Huh?"

She chewed on the cuticle of her thumb nail. "I saw this... cute blanket with little elephants all over it," she admitted shyly. "I thought it'd be sweet to make it, y'know, kind of a theme."

"Okay." Sonny gave her stomach an approving rub. "Whatever you want."

* * *

"Those were the most lights I've ever seen in my _whole entire life!_ " Jesse exclaimed as she skipped ahead of them on the sidewalk.

"Your whole entire life, huh?" Sonny repeated skeptically, amused that she thought that was a particularly long time.

Pelham Gardens in the Bronx was the home of the Garabedian estate: a sprawling mansion with gardens that the affluent family decorated lavishly for Christmas. The light displays, nativity scenes, angels and animated figures drew hoards of New Yorkers beginning the day after Thanksgiving. It had taken some convincing to get Jesse to want to go, but once she was on the property, her eyes were wide with wonder. The cold was irrelevant; she probably would have slept there if Amanda would have allowed it. Even by the time they were back on their street in Queens, the five-year-old was still buzzing with excitement.

"Does Santa live there?" she asked Amanda and Sonny curiously.

"No, silly. Santa lives in the North Pole," Amanda reminded her as she fished around in her purse for her house keys.

"That's his Bronx vacation house," Sonny added from his spot behind Luca's stroller.

"Do we have a vacation house?" Jesse wondered.

Sonny snorted. "I wish."

Once she had unlocked the door, they all clambered inside of the warmth of the house. They took off their coats and hung them up, then Sonny freed Luca from his stroller to allow him to toddle around the living room. With a satisfied sigh, Amanda pulled off her gray beanie and smoothed her hand over her hair to straighten her disheveled bangs. Her feet and hips were sore from standing and walking around, but before she could sit down, she was desperate for a snack. She padded into the kitchen and pulled open a cabinet, on the hunt for the container of peanut butter filled pretzels that Sonny loathed.

"Mama, where's my iPad?" Jesse called to her from the living room.

"You left it on top of my laptop on the coffee table," Sonny's voice responded.

"Your laptop's not here," the five-year-old insisted.

"Huh? It was there when we left..."

"Nope."

"Are you _really_ lookin'?"

Amanda rolled her eyes and closed the cabinet door. "They're probably both in our room," she told them, shoving a handful of pretzels into her mouth. She walked out of the kitchen and began to climb the stairs. "I'll look."

On the second floor, she flipped the light on in the hallway, then their bedroom. Instead of finding the space as (surprisingly) neat as she had left it, she was met with a disaster. Everything was ransacked: all of their dresser drawers were open, clothes strewn about haphazardly. Her jewelry dish and stand were both tipped over, as were her perfume bottles - one of them was shattered, leaking Marc Jacobs all over the shiny wood surface. The contents of their bedside tables were displaced all over their king bed, like someone had dumped them out onto the comforter to better sort through the items. It didn't stop there: their closet was a messy tangle of blouses, suits and shoes. Beneath the piles on the floor that the burglar had created, Amanda could see the wrapped Christmas presents she and Sonny had hidden had been unearthed, the paper torn to reveal the boxes.

"Sonny!" she shouted from the doorway.

"What?" he called back lazily from the living room.

Immediately distracted by her growing concern, she ran across the room to the closet and attempted to maneuver over the mess to reach up for where she knew their gun safe was. Her eyes widened at the realization that the old black box was gone, too. "Oh my God," she moaned, dragging her tremulous fingers through her hair. Unarmed, she ran into the hallway and into Jesse's room, then Luca's, then to their bathroom. All of it appeared undisturbed, windows in tact and locked. Nobody was lurking, but Amanda's heart was still racing. She flitted back to their bedroom and assessed the dresser: the majority of her earrings and necklaces were very obviously gone, as was the gold watch she had given Sonny for his birthday. She clutched her left hand, palm pressed hard into the diamond on her ring finger, momentarily thankful that she hadn't left her most precious piece of jewelry at home that night. Next, she dug around the messy top drawers to look for the spare cash they usually kept hidden there - and found that to be missing, too.

"What the hell happened in here?" Sonny's anxious voice came from behind her.

She whirled around on her heel to see Sonny with Luca on his hip in the doorway. He looked justifiably alarmed. "Somebody's been in here," Amanda told him breathlessly. "Almost all of my jewelry is gone, the money in the dresser, your watch... they went through the Christmas presents and the gun safe... it's gone, too."

His eyes widened. "Did you clear the other-"

"Yeah, yes," she interrupted him hastily. "No signs of forced entry. Nothing. Just in here."

"Ah, Jesus," Sonny groaned, roughly rubbing a palm over his face. "What the hell is wrong with people?" he asked rhetorically. He waved her over. "C'mon, let's go downstairs."

Back in the living room, Jesse was rolling around the couch impatiently, blissfully unaware.

"Jesse, sit on the couch with your brother and don't move or touch anything," Sonny ordered, setting Luca down beside her.

The little girl scrunched up her face and wriggled up into a sitting position. "Why?"

"Because I said so," he responded curtly before walking away with his phone in his hand.

"Mama, what's going on? Where's my iPad?" she whined.

Amanda crossed her arms over her chest as she hovered in front of the coffee table. "I just need you to sit tight, alright?"

Pregnant and without her gun, Amanda felt useless. She could hear Sonny in the kitchen, undoubtedly calling dispatch. She milled around the living room, checking the locks on the windows, all of them securely in place.

"Dad said not to touch anything," Jesse sneered haughtily.

Amanda ignored her daughter. Her eyes scanned the familiar space: except for the two missing electronics, everything looked the same. The tree was still upright and adorned with ornaments, the television sat on the stand and all of their framed photographs remained intact. Frannie was lounging on the rug, lazy and unfazed. She was all bark and no bite, so whoever had broken in probably escaped unscathed.

It didn't take long for two uniformed officers to arrive at their front door. Sanchez and McCarthy were familiar faces, two long-time cops who preferred to work patrol than climb up the NYPD ranks. Both Sonny and Amanda had worked with them countless times before, but it was different now that it was personal.

"Anybody have a key?" Sanchez asked Amanda as McCarthy went upstairs. "The lock is totally in tact."

"I know, I used it fine to let us in. Sonny said the back door is normal, too. But... I mean, yeah," Amanda responded distractedly, crouching down to pick up Luca, who was tugging insistently on the hem of her sweater. "Sonny's parents have a key, our babysitter, Audrey..." A horrible thought struck her suddenly, as shockingly uncomfortable as somebody dumping ice cold water over her head. _Kim._ Kim had a key.

"Rollins?" Sanchez prompted.

With her free hand, she rubbed at her forehead anxiously. She was suddenly very warm and nauseous; she didn't want to tell Sanchez what she was thinking. She didn't want it to be a possibility. Meeting Sanchez's eyes, Amanda swallowed. With her luck, withholding this information would come back to bite her in the ass someday. "My sister has a key."

"Oh my God, she still has one?" Sonny exclaimed from her side. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see his face contorting with his shocked outrage.

"What's your sister's name?" the officer asked.

"Kimberly Rollins..." Amanda sighed. "Don't bother radioing in, I can tell you right now she's got a warrant. I haven't seen her in a few months."

"Amanda, why does she still have a key?" Sonny demanded; he wasn't going to let this go.

"I mean, what was I gonna do? Rip it from her hands while she's in a hospital bed?" she snapped at him incredulously, glaring in his direction.

"No yell," Luca requested sweetly from her arms, his little hand grabbing at Amanda's face.

"Would she do something like this?" Sanchez asked her. "I mean, to her own sister?"

"Oh, please," Sonny scoffed, angry and sarcastic, his arms crossed tightly over his chest as he paced. "She'd do this - and more. I'm tellin' you, it's her."

"Wait, wait. Hold up a second," Amanda pleaded. "Just because Kim's done stuff like this before doesn't mean it's her. She doesn't need to steal, she would ask my dad-"

"It's not about _need_ , 'Manda," he insisted. "It's never been about that. She likes the thrill-"

"I don't even know where she is, Sonny!" she cried. She was behaving like the witnesses and victims that always frustrated her the most: passionately in denial, making an investigation more challenging then it needed to be. She couldn't help but want to protect her sister's name, even if it had been tarnished for years. "She could be... I dunno, in another country or something."

Sonny rolled his eyes. "Yeah, well, I-"

"Okay, okay," Sanchez interrupted loudly, clearly wanting to avoid a domestic dispute on top of a burglary. "We'll check it all out. You guys know how this goes. We'll look for prints in case whoever did this is a total moron and didn't wear gloves. But the odds of clearing this-"

"Yeah, we know," Sonny said flatly. "They aren't in our favor."

Amanda sunk down on the couch, hot and dizzy with mounting anxiety. It had been a long time since she had felt so violated, so foolish. She wished she had forgotten that Kim had a key, because as much as she wanted to defend her, it seemed more and more likely that her sister was the perpetrator. Kim knew where everything was: she had seen her put her gun away and stash money in the top drawer of the dresser. She had played with Jesse on her iPad and learned that Sonny brought his computer home from the precinct almost every day. She had vocally envied Amanda's small but valuable jewelry collection. In fact, Kim was jealous of almost everything her older sister had. _You know, I wanted to be a police officer first, before you,_ she used to sneer, wild-eyed and buzzing from cocaine. Kim wanted a house and a family, too, but she could never seem to get ahead and make it happen. Maybe that's what she had meant that night in the hospital when she had told Amanda that 'her way' was too hard; maybe Kim truly believed the only way she could have anything was forcibly taking it from somebody else.

Even if that person was her own sister, over and over again.


	24. Chapter 24

**AN:** A little Sonny comfort, 'cause God knows he needs it on occasion, and some fluffy Christmas stuff.

* * *

 _squeeze my hand three times in the back of the taxi / I can tell that it's gonna be a long road_

* * *

 **One year earlier.**

Amanda's eyes flew open, startled. Her heart in her throat from being suddenly jolted awake, she struggled to sit up to look over at Sonny in the dark. The only light was the moon streaming in through the window of their Long Island City apartment, but it illuminated his profile enough that Amanda could see a sheen of sweat on his forehead and his chest rising and falling rapidly. Her mind instinctively went to her gun, which was locked up in their closet. Before she had children, it had always been within arm's reach.

"Hey, what is it? What's the matter?" she asked Sonny anxiously, a hand gripping his bicep as she leaned over to get a better look at his face.

"I'm fine," Sonny told her breathlessly.

As a person who should have had a disingenuous _I'm fine_ tattooed on her forehead, Amanda was skeptical. She reached over to her beside table and flicked on the light. Sonny's hands roughly rubbed at his face, his palms digging into his eyes like he was trying to un-see something.

"Tom again?" she guessed.

He filled his lungs with air, then exhaled audibly. "Yeah."

Amanda frowned and shifted closer to him. Pressing her chest into the side of his arm, she wrapped her own arms around him in a sideways hug and squeezed. She rested her chin atop his shoulder. "Same dream?"

Sonny nodded, eyes staring blankly ahead. She could tell his breathing was slowing by the slowing movement of his chest, but he didn't look any more relaxed.

"It's not your fault, Sonny. You gotta let this go," she urged him in a whisper, lifting her head again and tilting it to look at him.

"It _is_ my fault, though," he insisted weakly, for what had to be the thousandth time. "I mean, the circumstances weren't, but in the end..."

She dropped her arms that were encircling him but remained close, a folded knee resting atop his thigh, a palm soothing up and down the back of his damp t-shirt slowly. For the past few weeks, Sonny's sleep had been interrupted by Tom Williams' death. Sometimes Amanda woke up to an empty space beside her, because he had relocated to the living room couch. Luca still slept out there, so Sonny put headphones in his ears and played around on his laptop for hours. Other nights, Amanda was startled awake by his nightmare, the one where his hand gripped Tom's tightly - just not tightly enough.

"Sonny..." she said gently. "I know you feel like you coulda done something, but... thinkin' about this doesn't change the outcome. _Torturing_ yourself doesn't change the outcome."

"His mother..."

"I know, I know. But, she's a nut. You said it yourself."

"Still. Your kid dyin' before you? Like that? I can't even imagine what that's like..."

Amanda sighed. "What do you always tell Jesse about forgiveness? That it's 'a virtue of the brave.' You're so good at that. You never hold grudges, you always give people second chances. How come you can't give yourself one, huh?"

He looked down at his lap.

She kissed his shoulder. "C'mon, I've gotta good point, don't I? Give me some credit for once," she said playfully in an attempt to lighten the mood slightly.

"You do. It's just..." Sonny rubbed the back of his neck with his palm. "Every time I think I've moved passed it, it comes up again, like this. I just wish I could get it outta my head."

Amanda wanted that, too. For him, for herself. Even with over a year of therapy, she hadn't figured out the trick yet, except to engage in a distraction that eventually made the sights and sound a little less vivid. After a minute of quiet, she asked him, "y'wanna back rub?"

"Huh?" he responded distractedly.

"A back rub," Amanda repeated, nudging his shoulder. "C'mon, turn over. It'll help put you back to sleep."

Without protest, Sonny flopped onto his stomach. He folded his arms beneath his head and rested a cheek on top. She climbed over him, a knee on either side of his body, then sat back on her haunches. She tucked her hair behind her ears and began to work on the tense muscles in his shoulders. Her hands weren't particularly strong, but she figured whatever she did was better than him lying awake and staring at the ceiling.

"When I was kid, we used to have this thing in town. A sunflower festival," Amanda mused as her palms moved, the memory suddenly and randomly surfacing. "It was at this big old farm and they brought in tilt-a-whirls and ferris wheels and stuff. My mama never wanted to pay for me and Kim to go. She said it was a waste, spending money for a few minutes on some junky old amusement rides. So Kim and I would wait till the sun was just starting to set and sneak under the fence."

"Tsk tsk" Sonny mumbled.

She smiled. "We didn't have any money to go on the rides or anything, but we'd run through this massive sunflower field, chasin' each other and hiding. We'd do that for hours. I remember looking up every now and then and being amazed at how tall the sunflowers were, like maybe they were even touching the sky. Then, when it got dark... that's when the fireflies always came out."

"Those are really a thing?" he asked curiously.

"'Course they are. You're such a city boy," Amanda scoffed, giving his ribs a playful poke. Her hands then soothed over the taut muscle beneath his shoulder blades. "In Georgia, they come out every summer. You've never seen anything like it. They blink in all different patterns, so it looks like... I dunno, magic. Like the air is sparkling. We used to try to catch them in jars. We'd poke holes in the top and bring them home, keep them in our room like special little lamps."

"Didn't they die?"

"Nah. We only kept them for a day or two, then let them back go at night," she explained. "I loved it, I couldn't wait till it got warm out to see them, even when I was older. It's definitely a country thing, though. When I was a freshman in college, I had to take some science class in order to graduate, y'know, to fill a requirement. I picked an environmental science and I'll never forget the day we learned about fireflies and how they glow. I was so excited, I think because I was homesick - for Loganville more than the people there. Atlanta was the big city to me." Amanda smiled wistfully at how wide-eyed and eager she had been to impress her peers, who she had perceived as sophisticated and intimidating. Her fingertips trailed down Sonny's spine. "Enzymes and proteins, they convert chemical energy into light. Isn't that cool? Tiny creatures that make their own light whenever they want to..." She paused thoughtfully and realized she had been rambling. She quirked an eyebrow, her hands stilling. "You asleep?"

"No," Sonny murmured. "I just like the sound of your voice."

She grinned. With the tip of a finger, she began to lazily trace letters onto his back. _A... M... A... N... D... A..._ "Feel any better?"

"Uh huh," he grunted.

Climbing off of Sonny carefully, she flopped onto her stomach next to him. She wriggled around until his arm was across her back and her nose was practically pressed against his cheek.

Sonny turned his head and closed the tiny space between their faces to kiss her. "Thanks."

Amanda rested her forehead against his. "You're welcome, baby." She reached the hand between them up to cup the side of his face, a thumb grazing his cheek. Her fingers then wandered, carding through his hair slowly. "I love you, y'know."

A tired smile tugged at the corner of Sonny's mouth. "I love you."

"It'll get better," she promised him quietly. "It always does."

* * *

Long after Sanchez and McCarthy left, Amanda cleaned up the aftermath of the robbery. With a towel in her hand, she slid the broken glass of her perfume bottle across and off of the surface of the dresser, then into a trashcan. She was momentarily flooded by the powerful scent of the lingering pool of fragrance and it made her queasy. Scrunching her nose and swallowing thickly, she set the garbage aside and exhaled audibly. She straightened out the two bottles that remained, then untangled the necklaces that had been left behind.

Moments later, the bedroom door creaked open and Sonny walked in.

"They asleep?" Amanda asked about Jesse and Luca.

He nodded. "Yeah."

She turned back to her remaining jewelry and fiddled with her earrings. At least not all of her stuff was gone.

"So..." Sonny began. "I guess the neighbors across the street have a camera."

Her brow furrowed, trying to remember who owned the house on the other side of the road. "Melissa and...what's his name? Dan?"

"Yeah." She heard the mattress creak; he must have sat down. "They sent all the footage from tonight to McCarthy."

"Those residential cameras are crappy quality. It won't do us any good," she grumbled.

"He just finished goin' through it..."

Amanda turned around to see Sonny perched on the edge of the bed. "And?" she prompted him.

He thumbed through his phone then held it up for her, his expression solemn as he waited for her to take in what was on the screen.

Taking a cautious step forward, Amanda squinted at the picture. It had been magnified and enhanced, and while it was still dark and grainy, the image was clear as day to her: a tall, thin woman was glancing over her shoulder on their front step, blonde hair down her back. Beside her was a male Amanda didn't recognize, but the other perpetrator was obvious. She felt her chest and throat tighten. Even if she had had a suspicion about Kim, seeing the evidence was like getting punched in the gut.

"It's her, Amanda," Sonny said quietly, as if she had any doubt. "Lettin' herself in like she owns the place."

Amanda's teeth chewed on the corner of her lower lip. She shrugged helplessly; she didn't know what the appropriate response was when your husband proved you little sister robbed your house.

"We lent her a key once, like, nine months ago to watch Frannie," he reminded her slowly. "You told me you were gonna get it back."

She tugged at her bangs. "I know, I... she was doing so good, and... I guess forgot," she admitted meekly.

He stood up and tossed his phone haphazardly onto the bed. "Yeah, it looks like it."

Dropping her hand away from her face, she rubbed her stomach slowly, nervously. "We'll change the locks."

Sonny's blue eyes went icy and his features sharp. "Was she casin' our house? How'd she know we were gone?" he demanded.

It was then Amanda realized that he wasn't just angry - he was angry at _her_. "I don't know," she insisted. "You know she hasn't answered any of my messages in months."

He shook his head, exasperated. "We're pressin' charges."

Her mouth fell open. "Sonny..."

"Don't defend her," he said curtly.

"She's obviously having a hard time, she-"

"You're unbelievable," Sonny interrupted. "How many times does she have to fuck you over for you to see that you can't save her? You told me yourself, this is what she does. She uses people."

She had, in fact, lectured him about Kim's manipulative tendencies. It had been so much easier before, when it was only Sonny getting duped. Now, it was their house, their kids, and it felt so much more hurtful. Amanda lowered her eyes to the floor wordlessly.

"She crossed a line, 'Manda," he continued. "You know I've always tried to see the best in Kim but, robbin' our house? I'm done with her."

"She's my sister," Amanda pleaded.

"And?" Sonny exclaimed. "Is that some kinda excuse? You don't see my sisters breakin' and entering!"

She felt a hot flash of anger and crossed her arms over her chest. "Congratu-fucking-lations, your family isn't nuts," she snapped. "You want a parade?"

"Oh, this is beyond nuts, Amanda," he laughed crassly. "This is like, pathological fucking-"

"I get it, Sonny!" she shouted, interrupting him. "Jesus Christ, I get it. Stop yellin' at me like I could have done something about this."

"I don't think you coulda done something about it," Sonny told her, stalking over to their still-destroyed closet. He began to rummage around the aftermath. "But it's just, every time I think Kim can't get crazier, she does. It's fuckin' mind-blowing."

Amanda felt wounded. It wasn't like she necessarily disagreed with Sonny, but she wanted him to understand how conflicted she was. She wanted him to be more sensitive toward the fact that for the majority of her life, Kim had been more like her kid than her little sister. Of course, he never had to experience the challenge of caring for someone so chaotic. As he had just pointed out, his siblings were normal. His siblings didn't rob, cheat, prostitute or murder. They were easy to love.

She wanted to get angry and yell at Sonny, but she felt heavy and tired from her shock and sadness. A screaming match wouldn't change anything; it would only raise her blood pressure, which had already fluctuated enough that night. For a few minutes she went back to silently tinkering with the items left on her dresser, then she announced feebly, "I'm gonna go watch some TV."

She padded downstairs to the living room. Ousting Frannie from her spot on the couch, Amanda took her place only to have the dog curl up into her side. Fluffy purred behind her from his perch on the back of the sofa. Amanda adjusted herself beneath at throw blanket then turned on the television. She idly scratched behind Frannie's ears as she settled on a tacky Hallmark Channel Christmas movie. She didn't really care what was on - the activity was more about taking space from Sonny, whose aggravation was palpable and unsettling. Was it unjustified, though? Probably not. It had been a long time since Amanda had wondered if he wished he had married somebody else, somebody with baggage that was a little less tumultuous.

Amanda wished for that, too, but she never got it. She hadn't experienced a pleasant childhood or had a family that took care of one another. Even though she was many miles away from her upbringing in Georgia, remnants of it lingered. She wasn't proud of it, yet Amanda clung to pieces - pieces like Kim. If it hadn't been clear before, now it was obvious that their relationship was toxic. The longer she hung on to it, the more poisonous it became, the more hurtful Kim's actions were. It was like a tiny chip in a sheet of glass: over time, with stress, the crack spread. If one didn't replace the entire pane, it would eventually shatter.

To let go of Kim was to untether herself from the one shred of family she had been trying to salvage her entire life. Amanda shouldn't have needed it: she had a husband, children, a mother and father in Sonny's parents. Why, then, was it so hard for her to cut ties with her sister? All Kim ever did was take advantage of her. Amanda was so tired of feeling used, of giving her all for her sister only to get cheated in return. Her hopes had been so high in the past year that she had lowered all of her boundaries, only to be left in pain and resentful.

Amanda sunk deeper into the couch cushions, further beneath the blanket, and closed her eyes. Cringing, she realized, _I've become Kim's doormat._

It was time to get off of the floor.

* * *

From behind a window of bullet-proof glass, Amanda watched with envy as Sonny tested out his new gun. The Department had a rule: no woman more than twenty weeks pregnant was allowed on the shooting range. Her replacement firearm would be locked away at the precinct until she was off of desk duty. With arms crossed over her burgeoning stomach, she practically pouted as she waited for him to finish. Sonny was a good shot, but Amanda knew she was better, which bolstered her jealous ego just slightly.

When he was done, she put her coat back on and pulled her gray cashmere beanie low over her ears. December in New York City meant that once the sun set, the air turned too harsh and cold for Amanda's thin southern blood. With his new gun in the holster on his hip, Sonny shrugged on his own jacket before they both headed outside. They walked wordlessly next to one another down the busy sidewalk. Things between them had been tense since discovering Kim had robbed their house several days prior. They hadn't talked much, just went through the motions of trying to make everything as normal as possible for Jesse and Luca. Christmas was in five days and that was their focus; nobody wanted the holiday tarnished.

"Y'wanna go to that place you like?" Sonny asked her randomly.

She buried her hands deeper into her coat pockets; she had forgotten her gloves. "What place?"

"Y'know, the fancy French one," he elaborated. "We're right around the corner."

"If you want," Amanda agreed with a shrug.

"I bet it's all decorated for Christmas," he added enthusiastically.

She cast a sideways glance over at him. He had a familiar look on his face - one of cheerful eagerness. Sonny hated conflict, so Amanda assumed that this was his olive branch. MarieBelle was a SoHo chocolate shop and cafe they had gone to for years, mostly at her insistence. Amanda would have loved to go to France, but MarieBelle would probably be the closest she would ever get.

Sinking down into the booth inside of the shop was a relief. She took her coat off but kept her hat on, her ears still cold. She ordered a cinnamon hot chocolate which arrived in a large, elegant mug topped with a swirl of whipped cream.

Sonny toyed with the saucer beneath his own beverage. "McCarthy called me. They need an inventory of what's missin'."

Amanda poked at the whipped cream atop her drink, hesitant to respond.

He leaned in closer. "Look. I'm sorry I freaked out about Kim," he apologized quietly. "I know she's got... issues."

Lifting her eyes, Amanda met his gaze. "It's easy for you to write her off, Sonny," she began slowly, making an effort to keep emotion out of her voice. "But she's my sister and she's always gonna be. My mama's hot and cold, my dad's well... y'know, so Kim's all I got for my family."

"I know," Sonny insisted. "And... I've been thinkin'. If you don't wanna press charges, we won't."

Amanda shook her head and looked back down at her cup. She used the cinnamon stick garnish to stir her hot chocolate, suddenly wishing it was a beer instead. "Not following through with the charges isn't doing her any favors." She looked at Sonny across the table. "I can't let her hold me hostage forever. I gotta just... go with what I know the right thing is, even though it sucks. And the right thing is pressing charges."

His brows knitted together. "Are you sure?"

Slumping back in her seat, she sighed. "Yeah." She put her hands up in a sign of surrender. "I'm not gonna make the same mistake twice. She's outta chances."

* * *

The living room was an explosion of wrapping paper, ribbon and boxes. Christmas morning had started at a somewhat reasonable time that year: seven a.m. After each child had torn through every package with their name on it - and some that didn't - all that was left was what Amanda and Sonny would eventually have to clean up. From her cozy spot on the couch, Amanda smiled as she watched Jesse enthusiastically assemble her Disney princess play set in the middle of the floor. Beside her, Luca suddenly dropped his toy hammer and saw from his Fisher-Price tool box and picked up a small, wrapped rectangular box triumphantly, clearly proud that he had discovered one last gift.

"Oh, yeah," Sonny said, sitting up straighter next to Amanda. "Hey, Luca. Give that to your mother, buddy."

The toddler wobbled his way over to Amanda obediently and held the present out in front of her.

"Thank you, baby," Amanda told him gently, taking the skinny box from his hand. She read the tag: her name was scrawled obviously in Sonny's handwriting, so she glanced over at him with a coy, suspicious smile. Turning back to Luca, she offered, "here, y'wanna help me open it?"

With clumsy fingers, Luca tugged at the wrapping paper with Amanda's assistance. Once it was discarded, she held a velvet jewelry box in her hands.

"What is it? What is it?" Jesse asked excitedly, tripping over boxes to get over to her mother's side.

"I don't know yet," she laughed.

"Open it!" her daughter pleaded.

Amanda slowly cracked open the box. She expected to see a bracelet or necklace resting on the interior cushioned lining, but instead there were glossy New York Knicks tickets staring back up at her. Not just one pair - but a stack. Her eyes widened in shock as her mouth fell open. "Sonny!" she exclaimed in disbelief, turning in her spot to look at him. "How, what... how many are in here?"

Sonny gave her a smug smile and rubbed at the stubble along his jaw absently. "Six."

"Six?!" she blurted excitedly. Gripping the box tightly in her hand, she flung herself across the couch to hug him, her stomach taking up space between them. "I can't believe it! Thank you!"

He chuckled into her ear and kissed the side of her head. "You're welcome. Merry Christmas."

When she pulled away, she gawked down at the tickets again. She remembered telling Sonny that she had wanted them, but she hadn't expected him to follow through _and_ buy her six.

"Oh man, you were so afraid I tried to buy you jewelry, weren't you?" he laughed with an amused waggle of his eyebrows.

"I mean, a little, but this is so much better," Amanda babbled gleefully. "I can't wait!"

He yawned lazily. "The first game isn't until February."

"How come?" she asked curiously.

"So you can drink a beer," Sonny explained, then added with a smirk, "everybody's a lot happier that way."


	25. Chapter 25

**AN:** A Christmas flashback, 'cause tis the season. Drunk Sonny, 'cause that amuses me.

* * *

 _after everything you've done / I can thank you for how strong I have become_

* * *

 **December, four years earlier.**

"Sonny, the elevator's been broken for a week. We're _really_ gonna haul that thing up seven flights of stairs?" Amanda huffed, her breath making clouds in the chilly December air.

"You're damn right we are," Sonny replied confidently. "Y'think we're just gonna leave it on the curb? We just carried it from 22nd street!"

Hugging herself in her big winter jacket, Amanda eyed the gigantic balsam that was now leaned up against their building. Sonny had only been willing to wait until the first of the month to get a Christmas tree; he had been practically vibrating with excitement the moment Thanksgiving was over. Amanda was not as enthusiastic - it was just another day to her. Jesse was two years old now, only just becoming aware of the holiday, but Amanda still couldn't muster up as much zeal as Sonny. It made sense, because while his Christmases had been warm and happy, hers had been cold and disappointing. It wasn't just about her opinion anymore, though - Sonny had moved into her apartment three months ago. Now, Amanda felt compelled to compromise.

"It's too big, it's gonna take us forever," Amanda told him.

Sonny looked at her like she had three heads. "Where's your Christmas spirit?"

"I don't have any," she mumbled.

"That's the problem." He waved her away, toward the entrance of the building. "Now prop the door open and help me."

With a dramatic sigh, Amanda did as she was instructed: she used the wooden doorstop to wedge it open before she hoisted up the front end of the tree. On the other side, Sonny carried it from the trunk. She had to walk backwards up the stairs, her gaze flickering from the massive tree to her feet to make sure that she didn't trip and fall. For the first few steps, they moved slowly but efficiently - until Sonny stumbled and Amanda received a face full of scratchy pine.

"Ow, fuck, Carisi!" she yelped. "Watch it!"

"Sorry! I tripped," he apologized innocently.

"This is a Pagan tradition, y'know," Amanda informed him after a few more stairs.

"What the hell are you talkin' about?"

"I Googled it. Pagans used to bring Christmas tree branches inside durning the winter to remind them that spring was coming."

"Are you tryin' to deter me from bringin' this inside the apartment?"

"I just don't want you to get _smote_ or anything."

"I think me and billions of people doin' this year after year are gonna be just fine."

"I'm sweating," she groaned.

"You're okay," Sonny insisted.

She stopped moving. "Can you take my hat off? My hands are covered in sap," Amanda asked him sweetly.

He rolled his eyes. "Oh my God. C'mere." Leaning in, he reached over the tree, snatched her beanie from off of her head and shoved it into his coat pocket. "There. Now get movin'."

"I'm goin', I'm goin'..."

They squabbled and bantered for the next six flights, until panting and covered in needles, they finally made it to the front of the apartment. With one final shove, they got the balsam inside, where Audrey and Jesse were watching television in the living room. The toddler's eyes went wide at the sight and she immediately jumped off of the couch.

"Twee!" Jesse announced.

"That's right, it's a Christmas tree. _Tree,_ " Sonny told her proudly.

"That's huge," Audrey breathed, getting to her feet. "Did you guys just carry that all the way up here?"

"Yeah," Amanda answered as she tried to catch her breath.

The babysitter nodded, impressed. "Wow."

Amanda crouched down to pick up Jesse, squeezing her into a hug. The little girl was warm and smelled of soap from her bath. For what seemed like the millionth time, Amanda silently thanked whatever powers that be for sending her Audrey. The young woman was so energetic and helpful, always willing to come in early or stay late whenever Amanda's schedule strayed from the traditional - which was often. Most importantly, she loved Jesse and Jesse loved her.

"Okay, so, we gotta wait for the branches to fall before we decorate it," Sonny explained once Audrey had left for the night.

Amanda pulled the Christmas tree stand from the closet, then set it down in the corner of the living room they had decided upon earlier. With Frannie and Jesse looking on, she and Sonny hoisted the tree into the red metal contraption. They crouched down in front of it and maneuvered through the thick bottom branches to secure the trunk in the stand with the big screws on either side. It wobbled and swayed as they fought to keep it straight.

"I think we got it..." Sonny said from beneath the tree.

"Wait, it's not... hold up, hold on..." She struggled with her screw, trying to get it to tighten. " _Frannie!_ " Amanda suddenly cried, when out of the corner of her eye she saw the dog run past too closely and wag her tail so sharply that the entire tree teetered.

The balsam quickly fell forward, and in their effort to simultaneously scramble out of the way and catch it, both Amanda and Sonny were knocked backward. They both clumsily landed on their seat, the tree crashing between them. The wide spread of the branches scratched at her arms, legs and face.

"Uh oh," she heard Jesse lament solemnly as she watched.

Breathless with surprise, Amanda glanced over at Sonny through the thick greenery. He looked genuinely stunned, pine needles attached to his disheveled hair, and she burst out laughing. She flopped onto her back in amused defeat.

Jesse began to giggle, too, most likely because her mother was. "Mama! What you doing?" the toddler asked curiously before she crawled on the floor to join her. She flung her little body atop of Amanda's and put a hand on her face. "You're silly!"

From the other side of the tree, Sonny began to chuckle. He fell backward, joining her laying on the floor. He used an arm to rustle some of the branches of the balsam between them, to get a better look at her. "Y'know why this happened, right? That Pagan remark of yours."

Amanda's abdominal muscles began to ache with the intensity of her own laughter, even with Jesse smothering her. "Oops." Turning her head, she gave Sonny a grin. "Well, you did say it needed to fall..."

* * *

" _I feel so happy. I think I'm gonna leave here with what I hoped to leave here with - a husband!_ " _Bachelorette_ Rachel gushed.

The young woman smiled brightly from the screen of the living room television while Amanda dug her spoon around a pint of Cherry Garcia. "Pick Peter," she urged Rachel, as if the reality star could hear her. "Bryan's a chiropractor. That's not even a real doctor."

Amanda's Friday night consisted of television, eating and laundry. Once both children were asleep, she deposited herself onto the couch in sweatpants and a t-shirt to savor some rare time alone. Sonny was out for beers with Fin, and while she was envious, she appreciated how quiet the house was. Her husband and partner had vague plans to meet up with some other police officers, but Amanda didn't bother hounding either one of them for details. Sonny was fiercely loyal; she never worried about where he was or what he was doing.

Two hours later, she hadn't moved an inch except for the five times her bladder had forced her to. Then there was a knock on her front door, and she gingerly hauled herself up from the couch to answer it. She pulled it open to find Fin on her steps. Behind him, Sonny was stumbling down the walkway. A yellow cab sat idling at the curb.

"Rollins, I think this belongs to you," Fin said with a grin, emphatically gesturing to the tall man clambering toward the house.

"'Mandaaa!" Sonny called jovially.

"Oh, lord," Amanda murmured, both entertained and mildly concerned. She wrapped her arms around herself as best as she could, bracing herself against the cold night air. "Get over here," she coaxed Sonny with a little wave, then looked back at Fin. "What were you guys doing?"

"Just playin' a few games of pool with some of the guys from VICE," Fin responded innocently. "We lost track of time and..."

"Your drinks?" she finished his sentence for him with a skeptical waggle of her eyebrows.

"Well, that's my cue. I'm out," Fin concluded quickly, practically jumping off of the front stoop. He jogged toward the waiting taxi. "See you guys Monday!"

"Thanks a lot, Fin," she shouted after him sarcastically.

"I'm home!" Sonny announced, as if it wasn't obvious. His cheeks were flushed and his eyes were glassy as he gave her a lopsided grin.

"I can see that." Amanda tugged on his arm to bring him inside the warm house, then locked the front door behind them.

"Man, I am _starvin'!_ " he told her loudly, flinging off his jacket. His voice echoed through the foyer.

"Keep your voice down, will you?" she pleaded, acutely aware of Luca and Jesse asleep on the second floor of their small home. With her hands on his back, she nudged him toward the kitchen. "I'll fix you something. How about a grilled cheese?"

All lanky, wobbly limbs, Sonny collapsed onto a stool at the island. He roughly rubbed at his face with his palms before slumping over. "I lost."

She put a pan on the stove top before pulling butter from the refrigerator. "Lost what?"

"Pool," he clarified.

"Shocking." Amanda glanced over at him as she worked: the first two buttons of his navy shirt were undone and part of the tail was untucked from the waist of his gray slacks. His dark tie was comically loose, as if he had considered taking it off but had given up half-way. Curls of hair hung over his forehead, dislodged from the typically-perfect style. "You look like you've been shot out of a canon."

He snorted with laughter. "'Shot outta a canon.' That's funny."

She went back into the refrigerator, pulling open one of the plastic drawers. "What kind of cheese d'you want?"

"All of 'em."

"All of them? You're gonna end up with half your arteries blocked like your father."

"Nah," he hiccuped. "What'd you do tonight?"

Amanda raised an eyebrow. "Laundry."

"Ugh." He made a face of disgust which quickly dissolved into a mischievous grin. "Y'look great."

"I'm a whale," she grumbled as she set two pieces of bread into the simmering, buttered pan.

"Whales are great," Sonny insisted.

She bit back a smile. "I advise you to stop talking now."

"Y'know what was kinda funny?" he went on.

Amanda set three random slices of cheese atop a piece of bread, then assembled the sandwich in the skillet. "This better not be a whale story."

"It's like, we're in O'Hara's, right?" Sonny rambled. "And we're playin' pool and all that and I'm lookin' at the bar and it's just filled with all these guys hittin' on girls. It was like watchin' animals in a zoo, all of them circlin', tryin' to keep their attention. Ready to pounce."

She rolled her eyes then smirked at him over her shoulder. "Were you jealous?"

"Nah, 'course not." He gave an emphatic wave of his hand and swayed in his seat. "The opposite. I'm glad I'm me... and we're us... and y'know, not them..."

"Mm," Amanda hummed with a small smile. "That's very sweet."

After another minute, the grilled cheese was golden brown and melting - it was one of the only things she could cook well, although 'cook' was a generous verb. She used the spatula to set it on the near-by cutting board, sliced it in half on the diagonal just like she did for the kids, and dropped it onto a plate. She filled up a large glass of water and set both in front of Sonny.

His blue eyes lit up. "Ah, yeah, thanks," he breathed excitedly before tearing into the sandwich. His mouth almost immediately fell open and his brow furrowed. "Ah! Too hot, too hot!"

"Maybe you should give it a second," Amanda suggested with an amused shake of her head as she stood next to him.

"Uh huh." Sonny haphazardly wiped his hands on a napkin before taking her stomach between his palms. He gave it an affectionate rub. "What's goin' on in there?"

"Not much," she sighed. "There's no more room."

He leaned down and kissed the swell of her abdomen before turning his cheek and resting his ear against it, like he was listening for something.

Amanda ran her fingers through his hair slowly. "You gonna be too hungover to finish painting the baby's room tomorrow?"

"Nah."

"I dunno, you've been struggling to hold your liquor in your old age..."

Sonny lifted his his head and offered her a goofy, lopsided grin. The corners of his eyes crinkled. "Hey, I promised ya, didn't I?"

She nodded. "Uh huh."

He reached over and took a bite of the grilled cheese. "Then I'm gonna do it," he insisted, mouth full. "This is really good."

Amanda's eyes widened and she crossed her arms over her chest. "Can I get that in writing? I want a permanent record of you complimenting something _I_ cooked."

* * *

Mid-January meant her last week at SVU before she was put on bed rest. Winter was their slower season, but that didn't mean one less detective wouldn't impact the squad. Chronically understaffed, SVU was used to the struggle by now, yet Amanda wished she could have stayed until she went into labor. She was exhausted and sore and moody, but dragging herself through the work day was more appealing that toiling away at home on bed rest. It wasn't even as if she could truly relax, because everything about being so far along was uncomfortable. Sonny and Fin didn't understand - _wanna trade places? I'll lay down for a month! Hell, I'll lay down for two!_ Sonny had offered - but Amanda had long given up trying to explain anything pregnancy-related to either of them.

"Rollins, I gotta talk to you." Fin appeared, looming over her desk on Tuesday. He seemed uneasy.

Amanda raised her eyebrows, curious as she looked up at him. "Yeah?"

"It's Kim," he told her quietly, casting a furtive look around the squad room. "She's been arrested."

"What?" Amanda exclaimed, eyes wide with shock. "How do you know?"

"She was busted by Narcotics," her partner went on. "My buddy Miguel was doin' a sting and-"

"Where is she?" she demanded.

Fin grimaced. "Down at the nineteenth precinct. About to be off to Riker's. Y'want me to drive you down there?"

She jumped to her feet as quickly as her pregnant belly would allow. "Yeah. Right now. Thanks."

* * *

"Kim."

Amanda's voice echoed inside dingy interrogation room one at the massive Midtown precinct. Arms crossed above her stomach, she remained standing as the heavy door slammed shut behind her, leaving the two women alone. Her younger sister fidgeted in a metal chair, her thin wrists shackled to the table in front of her. She looked like a skinny, skittish animal caught in a hunter's trap.

"'Manda," Kim breathed, her eyes lighting up with relief. "I knew you'd come."

All Amanda could do was shake her head; she was speechless.

"I know this looks bad..." her sister went on.

She blinked silently in response.

"I'm sorry about the stuff."

Amanda cleared her throat and rolled her eyes. She gingerly sat down in the uncomfortable chair across from Kim.

"I was gonna replace it all, once I made some money," Kim insisted.

"Made some money? Doing what?" Amanda finally spoke.

"With Eric," she explained brightly. "He's a very good business man."

She remembered that name - he had been the one who had abandoned Kim at Bellevue after she had overdosed on cocaine and had a minor heart attack. She assumed he was also the person who had accompanied her sister in burglarizing her house. Amanda's gaze narrowed. "What kind of business is Eric in, exactly?"

"He's an entrepreneur, he's got all these big ideas, he wants to-"

"Stop, Kim. Just stop," she interrupted loudly, suddenly realizing she couldn't tolerate hearing another one of Kim's deluded fantasies. "Y'all were caught dealing ten thousand dollars worth of cocaine outta his upper east side apartment. He's no entrepreneur, he's a criminal, and so are you."

Kim pouted. "Will you just... will you help me with a lawyer?"

She swallowed thickly. Her eyes flickered to her sister's hands bound by somebody's shiny cuffs; the sight made her queasy, even if she had seen it before. Kim's nails were covered in chipped blue polish - exactly the shade she used to paint her niece Jesse's fingers with, too. The first time she gave the little girl a manicure, she didn't ask for Amanda's permission, but Jesse had been so thrilled that Amanda didn't have the heart to forbid it. "No."

Her sister looked baffled. "What?"

"No, I will not help you," Amanda repeated quietly.

Kim fidgeted anxiously. "But, 'Manda, I really need-"

"I have always been there for you, Kim," she continued, voice stern. "Ever since we were kids. I can't do it anymore."

"Why not?" she whined.

"Because... because I have a family, Kim, and I gotta look out for them first," Amanda reminded her, her words catching in her throat. "And me always bailin' you outta stuff, it's only gotten you here. I should apologize to you for that."

She shook her head furiously. "No, no, it has helped me, it has-"

"It hasn't."

"What am I supposed to do?"

"You'll qualify for a public defender."

"They suck!"

"There are some good ones."

"But... the baby. You're gonna have the baby and I'm gonna be in jail."

"Probably. It's too bad you didn't think of that while you were blowin' coke or robbin' my house."

"Amanda..."

She carefully got to her feet. "This one's on you, Kim," Amanda whispered. "You've gotta figure it out." Before walking away, she squeezed a set of Kim's fingers and looked her in the eye. "Love you."

* * *

"This is my favorite, daddy," Jesse announced with a mouth full of chicken parmesan.

"I know." Sonny adjusted Luca on his lap as he supervised the toddler's use of a fork while simultaneously trying to eat his own meal. Lately, Luca refused to sit in his high chair without a massive tantrum, so they had resorted to a new technique. With Amanda's stomach, she didn't have room to hold either of her children for anything. "I'm glad you like it."

"Miss Lucy says we're having a bake sale next week," Jesse continued as she chewed. "And everybody's gotta make something."

"What do you wanna bring?" Amanda asked from her seat at the kitchen table next to her.

Jesse scrunched up her nose in aversion. "You're not gonna make something, are you?"

Sonny snickered into his pasta and Amanda rolled her eyes. "No, I'm not, I was _just asking._ "

Jesse swiveled back to Sonny. "The cookies with the rainbow sprinkles on them. The ones you and nana make."

"We can make 'em this weekend," he agreed with a nod.

Amanda felt a sudden cramp seize her stomach and winced. She set her fork down, leaned back in her chair and exhaled. She ran a palm over the curve of her belly in an attempt to sooth the tense muscle there.

"What's wrong, mama?" Jesse asked her.

"Nothing, I just gotta stand up for a little." She struggled to pull herself to her feet, hoping the change of position would relieve what she knew to be a Braxton-Hicks contraction. As she leaned against the near-by island, she caught sight of her daughter's face: the little girl's brown eyes were wide and frightened. "Jesse, why do you look so upset?"

She wriggled in her chair. "I'm nerve."

"Nerve? Y'mean nervous?" Sonny chuckled with a quirked eyebrow.

"Yes," she nodded solemnly. "Nerve... nervous."

Amanda's brow furrowed. "About what?"

"That the baby's... gonna make you sick," Jesse explained meekly. "Like the other baby."

Her heart squeezed in her chest and she frowned; it was such a sweet and innocent concern. Her eyes flitted over to Sonny, whose expression had gone somber. "Aw, Jesse," Amanda began softly. She forgot about managing the pain in her stomach and sat back down in the chair beside her daughter. She fussed with Jesse's hair unnecessarily, fingertips gently pushing it away from her face. "Baby, everything is gonna be alright. Don't be nervous."

"Are you sure?" she asked.

She nodded. "'Course I am."

"You got nothing to be worried about," Sonny added.

"Is the baby a boy or a girl?" Jesse wondered timidly.

"We don't know yet," Amanda explained. "What do you think it is?"

"A girl, probably."

"How come?"

"Because I already have a brother."

"Oh, okay."

"What if it's another brother?" Sonny asked.

Jesse shrugged. "That's okay. Brothers are cute, too."


	26. Chapter 26

**AN:** Here is a smutty flashback reward for all of the Rollisi shippers who had a small heart attack Wednesday but are also kinda confused and annoyed we didn't get the money shot. Even if we never do, at least you know fanfic will take care of ya. Also, I'm somewhat ashamed to admit "Delicate" by Taylor Swift came to mind while writing this. Listen to it if you have no standards (I definitely don't at this point).

This tidbit is NSFW, obv.

PS: Angst is coming (and so is the baby!) because I can't help myself. Consider this my preemptive apology.

* * *

 _this ain't for the best / my reputation's never been worse so / you must like me for me_

* * *

 **Five and a half years earlier.**

Six beer bottles littered Amanda's coffee table. Three belonged to Sonny and the others were hers, her forth almost empty and dangling from her hand as she sat comfortably on her living room couch. With her legs curled beneath her, her knees rested gently atop Sonny's thigh as both of their eyes focused on the television showing the evening news. A drunk driver had crashed into a convenience store in Brooklyn with a prostitute in the passenger's seat of his Honda Civic. Both individuals were unharmed but sufficiently mortified.

"Poor bastard," Sonny muttered into his beer, eyes bright with amusement as the fifty-something-year-old perpetrator's homely mugshot appeared on the screen.

Amanda quirked an eyebrow. "Karma."

Her phone buzzed on the table; the screen was bright in comparison to the dim lighting of her apartment. It made the message from Nick Amaro stand out perfectly clear: _thinking about you. you up?_ Amanda bit back a grin as she leaned forward to retrieve it, the collar of her over-sized t-shirt falling down her shoulder in the process. She experienced such a sick thrill out of knowing that years later, she still crossed her old flame's mind. Sex had been the cornerstone of their tumultuous half-relationship; Amanda had to assume that she was naked in whatever fantasy now occupying Nick's head three thousand miles away. Truthfully, she couldn't say that she missed him.

"You still talk to him?"

Oh, right. Sonny was sitting very close to her, their sides squeezed together on her couch like they were a single beer-drinking unit. Amanda arranged her face - she was non-plussed, cool - as she glanced over at him. He looked something between confused and disturbed. She shrugged, her shirt creeping even lower down her arm. "Sometimes."

There was a beat of silence before he asked, "about what?"

Amanda fiddled with her phone in her lap. The notification vibrated again, the sound loud between them. "I don't know, stuff."

"Like what kinda stuff?" Sonny pressed.

"I don't know, Sonny," she blurted irritably. "Like stuff you talk about with friends." She added unnecessarily, "like stuff you and me talk about."

"We're friends?"

"Of course we are."

"So that's what we're doin' here? Bein' friends?"

"Why are you being so weird?" Amanda clambered up from the couch, suddenly warm and antsy. She could feel her heart rate increasing as she stalked over to the adjoining kitchen.

"I'm not bein' weird." Sonny stood up and followed her, remaining a few paces behind like he was hesitant to get too close. "I'm askin' you a question."

"Well, it's a stupid question." She yanked open the fridge. The rush of cold air felt good on her hot face. "Y'want another beer?"

"Don't change the subject."

"What subject, Sonny?" She whirled around with two fresh bottles clenched in her fists and set them on the counter. She couldn't meet his eyes, so she focused on popping the tops off of the beers. "God, just... say what you're thinkin' already, would you? You're like a teenage girl with this vague, passive-aggressive bullshit," she scoffed, the words leaving her mouth thoughtlessly. They were sharp, cold, and Amanda didn't really mean them. She didn't really mean them, but... now she felt committed to her role as aloof and annoyed. "You think we're _more_ than friends? You think we're dating?"

"Well..." Sonny cleared his throat. "I mean, maybe..."

Amanda lifted her icy gaze. Sonny looked serious and it made her nervous; she was hoping that he would be stuttering and shy. She curled her fingers around the bottle caps, the jagged edges biting into her palm. "You haven't taken me out on a date."

"I could." He shrugged, standing in front of her in the kitchen. He added earnestly, "I would."

"I don't want you to. I can buy myself dinner," Amanda snapped. She threw the caps away and crossed her arms over her chest tightly. "Sonny, look. I know that in your Staten Island white-picket-fence universe if you have sex with somebody you feel like you should act like you're interested in more than that but, you don't have to," she assured him. "It's just a thing to do. A fun thing to do."

Sonny took another step closer. "I am havin' fun. It's just... I like you."

Her eyes widened in what most would mistake for shock, but really it was terror. _Oh, no,_ she lamented internally. _No, no, no._ She didn't want to have to reject Sonny in the middle of her kitchen, but now it was a necessity. Now, a line had been crossed. Amanda had turned down plenty of men, but this felt especially painful. That was part of the problem: she _felt_ too many things with him. Best to end it before her heart got all warm and vulnerable and pathetic. "No, you don't."

His brows knitted together. "Don't do that."

"Do what?"

"Tell me how _I_ feel."

Amanda went to turn away from him, to pretend to busy herself at the sink. "I just know -"

His strong hand reached out and gripped her upper arm, preventing her from moving. "You don't know," Sonny insisted quietly. "That's why I'm tellin' you."

Her heart jumped into her throat at the way just one set of his fingers kept her so firmly in place. It didn't hurt, but there was enough force to still her. She shifted just slightly until her lower back encountered the edge of the counter. Her eyes moved from the base of his throat up to his face. "Okay," she heard herself reply.

"Y'know, you're always on me about how much I talk," he went on, letting go of her arm but standing so close to her that there were only centimeters between them. His fingers toyed with the hem of her t-shirt. Meeting her gaze, a smirk pulled at his mouth. "You talk just as much. The difference is, when you do it, it's not really about what you have to say."

Her face contorted in outrage. "Hey-"

"You just like the distraction," Sonny interrupted, his voice low and gruff but somehow smooth, too. "You're hopin' people are hearin' you but not listenin'. There's a difference, you know." His hand slid beneath her shirt, the pads of his fingertips encountering the bare skin above the waistband of her leggings, followed by the warm expanse of his palm as he traveled upward. "When you're hearin' it's all noise. When you listen, there's more."

The hair at the back of Amanda's arms stood up, and not just because Sonny's hand was now enveloping her breast, which was only clad in a thin, relatively useless bralette. Her impulse was to arch into his touch, but she didn't want to give him the satisfaction. "And what do you think you're listening to?"

His hand dipped beneath the swath of lace, freeing the flesh there so he could roll a thumb over her nipple. "I'm listenin' to you bein' scared."

Her breath caught in her chest and she squirmed. "I'm not scared of anything."

"Mm, that's not true," he murmured with a special sort of smugness. His breath ghosted over his lips; his mouth was hovering over hers in an almost-kiss. "I think you're scared of me."

Amanda let out a gasp of laughter, tilting her head back and giving in to the urge to curve upward toward his fingers. "Not a chance."

"I know things about you by now, the stuff you don't offer up to other guys 'cause that would mean you'd be more to them than a warm body." The pad of his thumb continued to toy with her in infuriatingly slow circles. "I know that you brush your teeth with warm water and still have all your old track and field medals under your bed. You take your coffee with a little bit of cream and exactly one sugar. Sometimes you sing Tom Petty to Jesse to put her to sleep. The smell of honey reminds you of your grandmother and nobody's ever bought you flowers, not even a crappy corsage on prom night."

"So?" she breathed. She was trying to sound oppositional, but it was contradicted by the way she strained against Sonny's frame, wordlessly pleading for more. She didn't know what was making her blood run hotter: the way Sonny was expertly strumming her nipple or how he could identify the private pieces of her she hadn't even realized he had been collecting.

"So..." Sonny's hand dropped from her chest so he could set a palm on each of her hips. "That freaks you out." The muscles in his forearms flexed as he gripped her waist and lifted her just slightly so she was sitting on the very edge of the counter. Instinctively Amanda helped him, standing her tip-toes to shorten the distance. "You know no guy would ever turn down fucking you," he went on, his hands splaying over the tops of her legs, his thumbs grazing over her inner thighs. "But what if they learn about all the other stuff and they don't want it, huh?"

Amanda felt a tug of desire in the pit of her stomach at the way his fingers explored but neglected to touch her where she wanted. It distracted her enough to admit hoarsely: "there's a lot of other stuff."

"Yeah..." He lifted a hand to cup her cheek. His thumb grazed over her lower lip. "I've learned it. I want it."

A flush blossomed across her face and chest. Whatever speech she had been silently preparing to keep Sonny at arm's length was failing both literally and figuratively. Amanda raised her eyes to meet his gaze and found that something was different about the color of his - they had gone from bright blue to steely gray. "Then take it," she prompted him quietly, provocatively, before nipping at the pad of his thumb with her teeth.

A hint of a smile flickered across Sonny's features before he finally closed the tiny space between them and kissed her. She let out something like a sigh into his mouth, both relieved that he was touching her and still yearning for more. She spread her legs to wrap them around his waist, simultaneously pressing her body as close to him as possible without losing her balance on the edge of the counter. She felt Sonny's fingers anchor themselves in her hair, his grip tight against her scalp like he was afraid she might attempt to escape. He never handled her like she was delicate - he didn't see her strength or grit as the antithesis of femininity, either.

She slipped a hand between them to palm him through the rough fabric of his jeans, satisfied by the arousal she found there. She felt Sonny exhale into her mouth, then his fingers were tugging blindly but insistently at the waistband of her leggings. With an arm slung over his shoulder, Amanda was able to get enough leverage to lift herself up and allow him to drag the stretchy black fabric down one thigh, then her calf and foot. That was good enough for her: she hooked her bare leg around Sonny again the moment it was free.

Her trembling, anxious fingers fumbled with his belt buckle and yanked at the leather, but Sonny grabbed her wrist and stopped her. Chest rising and falling rapidly in anticipation, she gaped at him, wide-eyed. He licked his lips like he was enjoying the expression of surprised desperation on her face, then hoisted her up off of the counter in one, swift movement. With her feet back on the floor, he turned her around and pinned her against the counter, this time with her lower abdomen pressed into the edge. Behind her, Sonny dragged the rest of her leggings down toward the tiles, along with the lacy fabric of her thong.

Amanda heard his low noise of his approval at her half-naked body, felt his rough palms squeeze her ass appreciatively. She felt high off of his attention; she couldn't help it. "Mm, fuck," she breathed as she leaned back against his frame. She rolled against him, arching her back to press her ass very deliberately into his crotch. "Tell me something," she purred, fingertips reaching up to blindly graze over the stubble along his jaw.

"What?" he replied huskily, a hand slipping to her front. His fingers spread her apart with slow, firm circles.

"At work, ah... at work, d'you think about this?" she gasped, heat pooling in her stomach when he brushed over her clit once, twice. "About me, like this?"

"Y'mean, do I think about bendin' you over your desk in the middle of the precinct?" Sonny murmured hotly into her ear, still toying with her. "All the time."

Maybe that should have bothered her - that in a male-dominated field, her colleague fantasized about her naked instead of admiring her police work. Instead, it made her feel powerful. "Good."

The torturous movement of his fingers stopped and for a second, she thought he was punishing her for being too smug. Of course, Amanda would have turned the tables back in her favor with her sticky-sweet Georgia-peach act - except that never seemed to work on Sonny. She was just about to turn around when she heard the jingle of the metal of his belt buckle. Her heart rate quickened when he dragged her hips back and she sunk her teeth into her swollen bottom lip when he suddenly filled her. Her palms pressed against the cheap formica of her countertops, bracing herself against the force of his thrusts. His grip on her was hard; maybe there would be marks left to admire tomorrow.

Her hair fell messily in front of her face as she uttered his name in a gasp at the deliciously rough way he was taking her. There was no more patience for teasing; he was on a mission. She didn't dare glance over her sweaty shoulder to look at him, even though she loved the sight of his face flushed and eyes dark especially for her. It was almost as if Amanda was afraid that Sonny might read her mind, and even if he had her bent over her own kitchen counter half-naked and inside of her, still nothing made her feel more vulnerable than a man privy to her emotions.

But Sonny wasn't _just_ a man. He was so many other things - a partner, a friend, a trusted confidant...

Her orgasm crept up on her. First it was simply a tight coil at the base of her spine, then it was a hot explosion of muscles contracting and releasing, her arms shaking as she fought to keep herself upright against the counter.

Amanda sealed her eyes shut as the aftershocks coursed through her. _This feels too good._ _The sex. Sonny. Sex_ with _Sonny_. Had she ever fucked somebody she actually cared about before? Was that what this was? Her, caring for him?

Nick left for California and she shrugged. Declan opted to stay undercover overseas and she was relieved.

If Sonny disappeared, Amanda's little world would go cold.

She needed his warmth.


	27. Chapter 27

**AN:** Snowy weekend = more updates!

* * *

 _hold on to the memories / they will hold on to you / and I will hold on to you_

* * *

Sonny stood in front of the spare room, door closed, his hand on the knob. "Okay. Y'ready?"

Amanda yawned; she was always tired now. She nodded. "I'm ready."

He swung open the door dramatically. "Ta-da."

She peered inside: the little room was decorated in all cool grays and clean whites, with the crib at the center. A big, overstuffed chair sat in one corner and a dresser and changing table lined the opposite wall. All of the small details Amanda had collected over the past few months were included: the sheer curtains were draped over the window and the polka dotted linens were on the crib's mattress. The _Guess How Much I Love You_ illustrations she had found at a Staten Island antique store were framed and hung, three jumping, happy bunnies situated in a row. Simple white shelves were affixed by the door, lined with colorful new books as well as the ones Jesse and Luca had outgrown.

"Oh, Sonny," she breathed, pressing a palm to her chest. "It's so nice. It's all neat and clean... and nice."

He crossed his arms loosely over his chest as he surveyed his work proudly. "I figured you were gonna rearrange it all once you're allowed to move stuff, but this is okay for now, isn't it?"

"It's perfect." The words caught in Amanda's throat. Tears stung her eyes as she remembered struggling to assemble Jesse's crib, very much alone as she squeezed it into the tiny space in her Long Island City apartment. She thought of Luca's, too, how it awkwardly sat in their old living room along with the majority of his books and toys. Now she was here, in a house she never thought she would own, having her third child with a man she never thought she would be worthy of.

Sonny set a hand on her lower back. "Don't cry, 'Manda," he chuckled.

"I'm not! I'm not," Amanda insisted hurriedly, clearing her throat. She hated how hormones made her a blubbering mess. "I'm just... it looks great." She turned and reached up to cup the side of his face with her hand. Standing on her toes, she kissed him softly. "Thank you."

* * *

She tossed and turned in the dark. How could a bed that had cost she and Sonny so much money be so damn uncomfortable? It didn't matter if Amanda was on her back or on her side - within seconds of changing positions, her hips ached or her back tweaked or she swore she could feel an annoying bit of rumpled sheet beneath her knee.

"Rollins, you're killin' me," Sonny groaned from his spot beside her. She hadn't realized he was still awake, but it was unsurprising given how much she was flailing.

"You try sleeping with a bowling ball inside of you!" Amanda hissed without even a hint of sympathy.

She felt him roll over, then put a warm hand on her hip. "Well... now that we're both awake..." he began suggestively.

" _Do not touch me,_ " she growled. "Do not ever touch me again."

His palm lifted immediately. "Got it."

"I want this baby outta me," Amanda moaned, flopping onto her back. Immediately it felt like her lungs were being squished, so she struggled to sit up and prop herself against a stack of smushed pillows.

"I know," Sonny yawned.

"I can't wait three more weeks," she insisted melodramatically.

"I don't think that's up to you." He rolled over onto his stomach, his cheek against his pillow as he studied her profile in the dark. "How can I help?"

"Stop looking so comfortable," she grumbled.

He sighed. "Why don't you go watch TV or somethin'?"

Offended, her mouth fell open. "You're just trying to get rid of me."

" _No,_ " he told her. "It'll put you to sleep. And you can put your feet up."

As much as she hated to admit it, Sonny had a point. Making a show of getting out of bed, she mumbled, "fine."

"And take this damn cat with you, would ya?" he added, motioning to Fluffy, who was curled up close by his head.

Amanda rolled her eyes but padded over to Sonny's side of the bed. Gently, she plucked Fluffy from his spot. He mewed in protest but didn't put up a fight; over time it had become clear that Amanda was his favorite human, probably because she was the one who had fought for his place in their household. She carried the animal down to the living room, where she flipped on a light and dropped heavily down onto the couch. The television options at two in the morning were slim, but she eventually settled on an old AMC movie. It took her a little while, but she was finally able to curl up on her side and close her eyes. Fluffy purred rhythmically by her stomach.

At four a.m., she was woken up gradually by a distinct tightening in her stomach. She groaned and wriggled around against the cushions, annoyed that her rest was being interrupted. It was only when she felt a warm wetness trickle down her thighs that her eyes flew open, suddenly aware of what was actually happening. "Shit," she breathed, pulling herself up to a sitting position. Jostled, Fluffy leapt from the couch and ran to his food dish.

Back upstairs, she hovered over Sonny and nudged his arm. "Sonny? Sonny, get up."

"C'mon, 'Manda," he groaned, barely awake but obviously annoyed. "I know you can't sleep but-"

"I'm leaking," she interrupted matter-of-factly.

"Ew," he yawned, burrowing deeper beneath the covers.

She shoved his shoulder with all of her force - which was a surprising amount, given her condition. "My water broke."

Startled, Sonny failed under the sheets in his effort to sit up. "Huh? Are you sure?" he demanded, wide-eyed. "You aren't due for three weeks."

Amanda eyed him with exasperation. While she typically liked Sonny's commitment to gathering all of the facts, what was happening inside of her pregnant body was not his area of expertise. "Of course I'm sure!" she assured him. "Call your mother."

* * *

"Oh my fucking God, I am never doing this again," Amanda moaned into the starched hospital pillow. Laying on her side, one arm was bent beneath her head, the other hand gripped the guard rail of the bed with all of her strength. With her eyes screwed shut, she could feel Sonny's strong palm at the small of her back in an attempt to soothe the crushing pressure of labor. While it had been helpful three hours ago, now it was futile.

As the minute-long contraction subsided, she gingerly uncurled her fingers from the rail but didn't let go completely. She was hot and sweaty, a perpetual lump occupying her throat that threatened to have her vomiting at any moment. Slowly, she peeled her eyelids open to blink her room into focus. Sonny was sitting at the edge of her bed, as close to her as possible, but nobody else was there besides a nurse fussing with supplies at a cabinet. Amanda was relieved; she didn't need an audience. "Your mother and sisters," she croaked breathlessly. "They can't come in here. I love them but... but... they are gonna talk and talk... I can't..."

"Nobody's gonna come in," Sonny assured her gently. "Audrey's at home and brought Jesse to school. My parents have Luca and they're gonna head over in a bit. I told Liv and Fin to hold off for awhile."

Amanda nodded, appreciative of his calm nature and the way he was trying to placate the anxiety he knew lurked beneath her pain.

"Y'want some ice chips?" he offered.

She sealed her eyes closed again, bracing herself for a new onslaught of contractions. "Do I look like I want ice chips?" she replied through gritted teeth.

"Well, I mean, does anybody really _want_ ice chips?" Sonny went on lightly. "Of all the things to have-"

"Shut up, Sonny!" she begged. Hot tears sprung to her eyes, but not necessarily because of Sonny's incessant need to offer color commentary; she was just intensely uncomfortable.

"Okay, okay. No ice chips," he concluded nervously. "Y'want me to leave?"

She shook her head furiously, released the bed rail and gripped his knee. "No. Don't you dare."

He nodded, his palm resuming its slow circles against her back. For a few minutes, the only sounds were the beeping of the machines Amanda was attached to and her occasional, breathless declarations of pain.

"Hey, remember that time we were chasin' the Riverside rapist down West 96th?" Sonny said suddenly.

Amanda quirked an eyebrow, momentarily distracted by the memory. "Yeah," she mumbled. She shifted gingerly in her spot and grimaced. "That son of a bitch was fast."

"And we lost him right at the corner of Broadway. Or we thought we did, but he was crazy enough to jump out at you from behind this giant dumpster... and you turned around kneed him right in the balls," he recalled gleefully. "He dropped to the ground like a sack of potatoes. A grown man, rollin' around, cryin' for his mother..."

Despite her discomfort, a grin tugged at Amanda's mouth. She distinctly remembered the look on the scumbag's face: a combination of sheer shock and pain as he collapsed onto the sidewalk. She had proudly cuffed him while he writhed. "That was pretty satisfying."

"Yeah. You were a real badass." He gave her hip a reassuring squeeze. "Still are."

* * *

Ten hours of labor had made her nearly delirious; she hadn't expected it to go on for so long. Jesse's birth had been a frightening blur, but Luca's had progressed rapidly. Foolishly, Amanda had assumed that her third child would be the easiest of them all. Instead, it had proven to be the most challenging. Sonny had stayed true to his word and kept everybody at bay for ten hours, probably partly motivated by embarrassment, because eventually Amanda was nothing less than wild-eyed and screaming. She had really and truly tried to keep her composure for as long as possible, but she reached a point where she was so exhausted and miserable that her reputation at Bellevue Hospital was no longer a concern for her.

It was all worth it when Dr. Miller finally exclaimed, " _it's a girl!_ "

Six pounds, eight ounces with a button nose and full head of light brown hair, Ruby Isabella Carisi finally entered the world at 2:03 in the afternoon. Sweaty and tremulous, Amanda burst into tears as Sonny counted the baby's fingers and toes excitedly over the nurses' shoulders while they worked to clean her off and administer the standard tests. "She's beautiful, Amanda," Sonny had called to her. "She's perfect."

A half hour later, Amanda was in pain but it was all irrelevant with Ruby swaddled in her arms. Sitting close by her at the edge of the bed, Sonny had one of his big fingers trapped by the instinctive, tiny grip of the infant. His gaze lifted from the newborn to Amanda's eyes. Grinning, he leaned in and kissed her. "You did such a good job," he murmured approvingly.

She smiled at him weakly. She was so tired, but even her exhaustion couldn't distract from this moment. "I tried."

His thumb grazed over Ruby's small knuckles as he studied Amanda's face. His brows knitted together. "You feelin' okay? You look kinda pale."

"It might have something to do with pushing a human outta my body for ten hours," she joked. She kissed him again before mumbling playfully, "don't worry, you can't catch it."

Sonny smirked sheepishly as he glanced back down at the baby. "She looks like you," he observed. "She has your mouth."

"What color do you think her eyes will be?" Amanda wondered.

"Blue, 'cause we both have them," he answered. "It's the law of genetics. Although I did read an article about blue-eyed people carryin' the gene for passin' on brown eyes..."

She smiled again. It would have never occurred to her to research such a thing, but as always, Sonny was an avid learner. "Why don't you go get something to eat and talk to everybody?" she suggested. "Your parents are gonna lose their minds if they don't hear something soon, plus they've been wrangling Luca this whole time."

"I am hungry..." he admitted - unsurprisingly. He used gentle fingers to brush damp hair away from her face. "Y'sure you're okay?"

"I am," she promised him.

"Alright, I'll be back soon." He gave her another kiss before freeing his fingers from Ruby's and getting to his feet to walk away.

"Love you, Carisi," she called to him with a coy grin before he disappeared.

Sonny poked his head back around the curtain, wearing the familiar smile that crinkled the corners of his eyes. "Love ya, Rollins."

Alone, Amanda peered down at the sleeping infant in her arms. It was warm in her hospital room; her skin felt flushed and sticky. The heat was making it hard to keep her eyes open. Every few minutes, her eyelids drooped and everything went fuzzy before she eventually jerked back awake just in time to avoid letting go of Ruby. The forth time it happened, she dug the heel of one of her hands into an eye and shook her head, trying to keep herself alert. It was then that she noticed a nurse watching her, which made Amanda even hotter with embarrassment.

"Here, why don't I take her for a bit?" the nurse suggested.

"I just can't stay awake," Amanda chuckled. Gently, she passed the newborn over. "I probably shouldn't be holdin' her half-asleep, huh?"

The nurse offered her a small smile. "I'll be back in a minute," she assured her.

Amanda's head lolled back onto her pillow. Another wave of warmth overtook her and she succumbed to it, her eyes shutting. When she blinked them open again, a female face slid into view and a hand squeezed her arm.

"Amanda. Stay with me," the woman - a nurse - implored. "Amanda?"

"I'm just... I'm tired," Amanda insisted, confused by the hint of anxiety in the nurse's voice. Her abdomen ached, searing hot and throbbing, but she kept drifting off even despite the pain. Why wouldn't anybody just let her get some sleep? She had just been in labor for over ten hours...

"You're not. You're passing out," the nurse explained. "We think you're bleeding internally, okay? The doctor is on his way."

More nurses appeared in what felt like a mere instant, but it was getting hard for Amanda to keep track of the time. The team began to quickly pile blankets onto her body. Amanda wanted to ask questions, but she was so hot and dizzy and weak, all she could do was writhe beneath the heating device and layers in protest. Sweat rolled down her face as she moaned, "God, please, get all of it off me. It's so damn hot. I'm so hot."

"No, Amanda. Your skin is ice cold," another nurse by her head insisted. "Your blood pressure is really, really low..."

Darkness swallowed her again, but when she blinked the room back into view, she was surrounded by even more medical staff. She could feel them touching her, prodding her, all of them wearing serious expressions and talking in urgent tones. It was difficult to understand what they were saying - processing their words felt like trying to cup water in her open palms, it all slipped away too quickly. When the strange doctor pushed the blankets aside and pressed down on her abdomen, Amanda let out a yelp of pain; it felt like someone was ripping her internal organs to shreds. Even when he pulled away, the horrible sensation remained.

Out of the corner of her blurry gaze, she saw Sonny reappear. The color had drained from his face as he took in the scene. She fought to keep her eyes open, wanting desperately to see him.

"What the hell is goin' on?" he demanded. He sounded angry, but Amanda knew he was only scared.

"You can't be in here," a nurse replied sternly. She put her body between Sonny and the rest of the room, handing Ruby back to him in the process, and coaxed him backward beyond the partition. "You don't want to see this."

After much protest, the three of them disappeared. Ruby was crying; Amanda could hear Sonny trying to soothe her. They were only behind a curtain but it felt so far away. She wanted to call for him, to beg for the nurses to let him hold her hand, but she was in agony now and what little energy she possessed was being siphoned out of her by the second.

"We've got to bring her into surgery," the obstetrician on-call concluded from the end of her mattress. "Now."

The sharp sound of the railings being pulled back into place on either side of her echoed in Amanda's head. The bed jostled as a nurse expertly kicked the gurney wheel brakes, swiftly releasing them.

 _I'm going to die_ , Amanda realized with a strange kind of certainty. _I'll be nobody to Ruby. Luca is barely two years old, he isn't even going to remember me. Jesse will need me and I won't be there. Sonny is going to have to take care of three kids all alone. Please, God, I hope he forgives me. Help him forgive me._


	28. Chapter 28

_even if you cannot hear my voice / I'll be right beside you, dear_

* * *

"What the hell is goin' on?" Sonny demanded.

Twenty five minutes ago, he had left Amanda for the waiting room. His parents had been buzzing with excitement and anticipation after such a long labor and his sisters had trickled in through out the day. Audrey had picked Jesse up from school and the little girl was itching to meet her sister, while Luca was ripping pages out of magazines underneath his grandparents' watchful eyes. Sonny had been proud to announce the news: Ruby Isabella was born happy and healthy. He kept forgetting that he hadn't eaten in twelve hours; his elation was all-consuming. Sonny had intended to return to the recovery room to ask Amanda if it was okay to have some very enthusiastic visitors, and instead he encountered an alarming flurry of medical staff.

"You can't be in here," a nurse told him, handing Ruby back to him. "You don't want to see this." She coaxed Sonny backward and he was stunned enough to let her. She pulled the heavy curtain closed, separating them from the rest of the room.

The baby in Sonny's arms scrunched up her little face and let out a wail. He looked down at his brand new daughter and felt a sudden rush of protectiveness. "It's alright, you're okay," he murmured, giving the bundle a loving little jostle. He tore his gaze away from Ruby to look at the nurse, who appeared to be guarding the curtain like she was afraid he might dive through it. In fairness, that was a very real possibility. "Are you gonna tell me what's goin' on?"

Her expression softened, but she looked uneasy. "Sometimes if the uterus doesn't contract quickly enough after labor, the blood vessels there bleed... a lot," she explained. "We think that's what's happening. Her blood pressure is low, her body temperature is, too. The OB on call is bringing her into surgery."

"Surgery? What?" Sonny sputtered. Maybe he was so tired and hungry that he had misheard her. He held out a hand like that would put a pause on everything. "Wait a second, wait a second. Can I see her? I need to see her."

She shook her head solemnly. "You can't, I'm sorry. She's already on her way. We had to send her immediately. They may not even be able to wait for the anesthesia to kick in before they start working on her." She went on to offer gently, "if you want, I can bring the baby to the nursery, so you can go talk to your family."

A wave of anxiety gripped his chest and throat. He took a step forward and with one arm, Sonny yanked the curtain open, causing the nurse to jump out of the way in surprise. The space where Amanda's bed had been was gone. In its place, the floor was littered with discarded blankets and the plastic wrappings from medical supplies. There was a bright red splatter of blood on the linoleum.

Sonny felt a hand on his arm; the nurse was eyeing him sadly. "Let me take her," she suggested again quietly. "Go talk to your family. We'll clean all this up."

* * *

Everyone was grinning when Sonny returned to the waiting room - except for Luca, who had fallen asleep curled up in a chair. Jesse immediately jumped up from her spot by Audrey, running toward Sonny excitedly.

"Can we see her? Can we go in now?" the little girl asked.

Sonny swallowed thickly. "No, not right now."

His mother took a step closer to him, her smile faltering the longer she looked at his face. "Sonny, what's wrong?"

His eyes flickered to Jesse, then to Luca, then back to his mother. "I don't really know, I..." he started off quietly. He tried to keep the emotion out of his voice, afraid the kids would realize something bad had happened. "I went back to the room and they wouldn't let me in. The nurse said they had to rush her into surgery, she's bleedin' really bad."

"Oh, God," his mother whispered.

"I don't know anything else," Sonny admitted weakly. "It all happened so fast."

"Call her mother," his father instructed him, voice low. There was concern etched in his features.

Sonny dragged his fingers through his hair. "They aren't really on the best terms lately..."

"Why can't we go now?" Jesse demanded at his feet.

He looked down at her; he never thought he would have so much trouble meeting a child's gaze. "Mom's not feelin' so good," was the explanation that left his mouth.

Jesse's brown eyes grew wide. "You said!" she shouted with surprisingly force. "You said she wouldn't get sick! You said I didn't have to be... have to nerve! N-nervous!"

Sonny crouched down to Jesse's level. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Audrey get to her feet, like she was debating whether or not to intervene. "I know, Jesse, I know. But sometimes things don't go as planned and-"

"I wanna see mama!" she insisted loudly.

The funny thing was, Jesse never looked more like Amanda than she did in that very moment: her little fists were clenched at her sides, her eyes were narrow with determination. She was fiery, passionate, but she was still just a kid. Her lower lip began to tremble and Sonny's heart clenched in his chest. He glanced over at his sisters, at Luca napping peacefully, at Audrey biting her thumb nail. His parents still hovered close, but Sonny couldn't rely on any of them to fix this. Nobody knew what to do, but if there was one thing he was certain of, it was that he was going to shelter all three children from the situation as much as he possibly could.

"How about... how about, you and me, we go take a look at your sister, huh?" Sonny suggested with all of the enthusiasm he could muster.

Jesse's pout remained as she contemplated his offer. "Okay," she eventually mumbled.

Standing upright again, he saw his parents nod in encouragement. Sonny and Jesse walked side-by-side down the hallway and around the corner until they encountered a long window that looked into the nursery. Sonny's eyes scanned all of the plastic bassinets until they settled on the one in front with the label _Carisi, Ruby I._ written in pink. Ruby was asleep again, wrapped up in her receiving blanket with a hat on her head. Jesse was too short to look in, so Sonny picked her up, balancing her on his hip so she could see.

"There she is." Sonny pointed through the glass at the baby. "See her? Right in front."

Jesse leaned in, pressing a palm to the window. "She looks kinda like... like my baby doll."

A small smile tugged at his mouth. "Yeah, except she's a real one."

"Can I hold her?" she pleaded.

He supposed he could take her inside the nursery and let Jesse sit with Ruby, but he couldn't stomach the idea of Amanda not being there to see her two daughters meet. "Later you can," Sonny promised, swallowing down an onslaught of anxious nausea. "When your mother is feelin' better."

She rested her forehead against the glass. "When's that gonna be?"

"I don't know," he admitted.

"How come?" Jesse pressed.

Defeated, all Sonny could do was shrug.

* * *

One agonizing hour later, a physician appeared in the waiting room wearing green surgical scrubs. Everybody's heads swiveled around in anticipation, but he only gestured for Sonny. Sonny passed Luca over to his mother, his heart in his throat. He had been so desperate for information, yet now that he was about to get it, he was terrified. He had tried to pray, but he couldn't concentrate. His thoughts kept straying to Amanda, to the joy that had overtaken her features just a couple of hours ago, how she had told him, _love you, Carisi..._

"Hi, I'm Dr. Sinclair. I'm the OB on call tonight," the physician introduced himself once Sonny met him at the threshold of the waiting room. He gave a small wave of his hand and murmured, "walk with me."

Sonny glanced over his shoulder at his anxious family then matched the slow pace of Dr. Sinclair as they moved down the hallway. "Hi. Dominick. What's goin' on?"

"Your wife is out of surgery. She lost just about half of her blood volume," the physician explained.

Somewhere in the darkest corner of his mind, for the past couple of hours, Sonny had entertained the idea that Amanda could be dead. It was only when the doctor spoke of her in present-tense that he realized how horrific that thought was - and how relieved he was that it would remain only a terrible what-if. "What... what does that mean?" he asked tentatively.

"She's going to need several blood transfusions," Dr. Sinclair said. "As many as it takes to get her red blood cell and hemoglobin levels to go back up. Each transfusion will take two hours, with an hour waiting period in between to assess her." He glanced over at Sonny. "We have her on morphine now, to manage the pain from the surgery to contract her uterus."

The crushing weight of his worry began to lift. "Okay, so, you're gonna replace the blood she lost and she'll be alright? She'll be fine?"

"As long as her levels return to normal consistently. The next couple of days will be crucial." Dr. Sinclair stopped walking; so did Sonny. The doctor crossed his arms over his chest, sighed, and continued quietly, "I'm going to be upfront with you: this is... well, a potentially life-threatening situation. Hemorrhaging is the leading cause of postpartum maternal death. Without enough blood, organs don't get enough oxygen and they can't function. So we can't move her to postpartum or a lower level of care like this - we can't do anything at all until her blood volume is restored. "

 _Life-threatening. Death. Can't function._ The words were like shards of glass, sharp and stinging in their ominousness. Whatever small flash of relief Sonny had felt moments earlier was gone, replaced now by more dread than he ever could have conjured up on his own. He opened his mouth, then shut it, because talking wasn't going to change anything. Sonny was good at that - blabbing until the other person put their hands up in defeat, exasperated, and let him win - but this was not the precinct or a courtroom. This was the physician's area of expertise. Sonny had to believe that the man knew what he was doing, because as much as he wished for all of this to be a mistake, one didn't just casually imply a person's wife was very close to dying.

"Until she's in the clear, we can't allow any visitors except immediate family. Adults only," Dr. Sinclair said. "Would you like to see her?"

Amanda had been returned to her original room. Her bed was angled for her to sit up, but she hardly looked alert. Her pallor was alarming - her porcelain skin usually had a healthy, rosy tint to it, but now she appeared paler than Sonny had ever seen her before. Her hospital gown hung off of her shoulder; how could she look so terribly thin just hours after giving birth? He saw that an intravenous port was positioned by her collarbone, the tubing filled with dark red blood flowing from the bag hanging off of a metal stand by her bed. Another line protruded from her hand, taped thoroughly into place up her arm.

Sonny approached her bed cautiously. The closer he got, the worse she looked. He was glad she wasn't allowed many visitors, because he was certain her state would traumatize Jesse. Sonny wasn't even sure if _he_ would ever be able to get it out of his head. He pulled in a deep breath to steady himself. "Hey, you."

Amanda's eyelashes fluttered but the rest of her barely moved. "Hi," she exhaled.

He sat gingerly on the edge of her bed and covered her hand with his despite all of the IV material. Her skin was ice cold and he squeezed, as if he was hoping to transfer some of his own warmth to her via osmosis. "How are you feelin'?"

Amanda's eyes opened further, but it seemed like an effort. "Not so good," she whispered.

"You're gettin' a lot of blood. You're gonna feel better soon," Sonny promised her with certainty he didn't really possess.

"They won't let me see the kids," she croaked. She was visibly tremulous; he gripped her hand tighter. "I need to talk to them and tell them..."

His brow furrowed. "Tell them...?"

She swallowed. "To tell them that if something happens to me-"

"Hey, no. Don't be crazy," Sonny interrupted her, panic rising inside of him again. "You're gonna be alright."

Her chest began to rise and fall quickly. She licked her lips, which seemed dry. "I'm scared."

The Amanda Rollins Sonny knew was never scared. She was all fight, all resilience and _I'll show 'em_ , and she would do anything before she ever let anybody know she was anything less than fine. Sonny had watched her kick open doors in high-heeled boots, knock out men three times her size and now give birth to three children - she was strong and that was beautiful to him. Amanda had always been so unflinchingly tenacious, but in her hospital bed, she was very different.

She was fragile and frightened. She was looking at Sonny desperately, like a wounded deer caught in headlights, waiting for the inevitable crash. It was then that he realized that her fear was truly justified; something was very wrong and she knew it. She knew it with enough certainty that she couldn't even be bothered with her usual mask of strength, maybe because she thought there was no time for it.

"I know," he whispered. His voice sounded oddly strangled. "But it's gonna be okay. You're gonna be okay."

"What if... what if I'm not?"

"Amanda, please. C'mon, don't... don't talk like that."

"I heard them talkin'," she insisted hoarsely. "They won't transition me to the postpartum side because they know I'm, that I'm too messed up to go. I have to stay here so they can watch me."

"And they're gonna do that. They're gonna watch you and they're gonna take care of you. So am I," he promised her earnestly.

She studied him in silence, appearing almost thoughtful even in her distress. "You always take care of me," she whispered with the barest hint of a smile. "You're so good at that, takin' care of people. But... who's gonna take care of you?"

Sonny felt a lump rise in his throat. "You are." He mustered a grin, but it felt too painful to maintain. "Just like you always do."

* * *

Sonny was startled awake by his phone buzzing in his pocket. Eyes flying open, he looked around: he had been awkwardly crammed into an armchair in Amanda's hospital room in a feeble attempt to get some rest. The room was almost dark now; it was eleven o'clock at night. Amanda's eyes were closed, but he guessed that she wasn't sleeping. She was weak and fatigued, but the loss of blood had made her heart rate quicken. The two-hour transfusions made her itchy and nauseous and a nurse had come in to replace the bag with a fresh one just forty-five minutes ago.

Untangling his long limbs, Sonny walked out into the the hallway before answering the call. "Fin. Hey."

"Carisi, what's goin' on? How's she doin'?" Fin asked.

"Uh, well, not great," he murmured honestly, beginning to pace. He rubbed the back of his neck with his free palm, hoping to ease some of the tension there. "They've been givin' her blood every couple of hours and her levels go up, then they go back down again."

"What's that mean?"

"I dunno. They're supposed to be up consistently, I guess."

"Ah... Liv is gonna help Audrey with the house and Frannie. The kids okay?"

"Yeah, my parents have them. Ruby's fine."

"You need anything?"

"Nah, I'm good." He exhaled audibly. "Thanks, Fin. But uh, actually, if you could pick Amanda's mother up from the airport in the mornin'..."

"On it," Fin assured him. "Text me her flight info."

"I will."

"Hang in there, Carisi."

Stretching his legs felt good. Sonny began to wander down the hall aimlessly, contemplating another cup of coffee. He thought of Jesse and Luca and hoped they were okay, that they had all done a good enough job keeping the situation from them. Luca was too young to understand, Sonny figured. He would fall asleep after a bath and a story. Jesse would be more difficult: she was smart enough to read into the expressions on their faces, to piece together that 'not feeling well' at a hospital was never a good thing. Sonny was grateful for his mother, who was the most comforting person in the world. He hoped she could soften all of this for the little girl.

"Mr. Carisi, hi."

He stopped suddenly in his tracks and looked up. He had unknowingly made his way back the nursery around the corner, and the young nurse who had kept him behind the curtain in Amanda's room earlier that day stood before him. Her name Gina; he remembered because so was his sister's. Gina hovered in the doorway, smiling at him.

"Call me Sonny," he insisted automatically. He quirked an eyebrow. "You're still on, huh?"

"Yeah, double shift till seven in the morning," she sighed. "How's your wife doing?"

"Okay," was the answer he settled on. He glanced over her shoulder into the nursery. A few nurses and parents milled around the bassinets, speaking in hushed, adoring tones. "This must be a good gig, huh? Hangin' out with babies all the time?"

"Everybody says that. It's not as happy as people think it is, I think," Gina replied sheepishly. "I mean, a lot of the time it is. But then you have those other times... when things go wrong. It's one thing when regular people get sick or die, but... everything seems somehow even worse when it happens to an infant or a new mom."

Sonny nodded solemnly. "Well, uh, I appreciate everything you guys are doin'." _That sounded... insufficient,_ he thought. _'Thanks for taking care of two very precious people' is probably more accurate._

"Of course." She motioned him into the room. "Y'wanna come in?"

He followed her to the front row where he knew Ruby to be. She was asleep, a small fist curled against her pink cheek. He looked up at Gina, standing on the other side of the bassinet. "Y'think it'd be okay if I brought the baby down to see her?" he asked carefully.

Gina shifted uneasily. "I'm not supposed to... not when women aren't stable." She cast a glance around the space then met Sonny's eyes. "Just... well, don't tell on me, alright? The charge nurse tonight's a real bitch."

He grinned, appreciative of the nurse's flexibility and sense of humor. "Not a word."

She scanned Ruby's tiny hospital bracelet before passing her over to Sonny. The baby made a few squeaks of protest but never opened her eyes. As he walked back down the hallway with her, the motion seemed to settle her down almost immediately.

"You've got a visitor," Sonny announced once he was back in Amanda's room.

Amanda turned her head against her pillow and smiled. "Oh, there she is." Her voice was hoarse but happy; she wasn't allowed to drink anything in case she needed surgery again.

He sat close to her on the bed. "She wanted to see ya."

"She told you that? Talking already, she must be related to you," she teased quietly.

It was an immense relief for Sonny to hear her sense of humor. Amanda reached her arms out for the baby, but the lack of blood and fluids in her body meant she was still weak and tremulous. He carefully passed Ruby to her despite the way she was shaking. Sonny's eyes flickered to Amanda's face - she looked both determined and alarmed by her own struggle to keep a secure hold on a six pound infant. "Here..." he offered as he adjusted the baby into the crook of Amanda's arm, so her little cheek was pressed against the bare part of her mother's chest. Sonny set a hand under one of Amanda's elbows, both steadying her and urging her to relax.

"Thanks," she sighed.

"Feelin' any better?" he asked hopefully.

Her eyes remained on the sleeping infant. "It makes me so itchy. And I feel like I'm gonna puke, but there's nothing to throw up..." Looking up at Sonny, she wondered anxiously, "are the kids okay?"

"They're fine," he promised her. "They're with my parents. Your mom is flyin' in first thing in the morning."

"Beth Anne Rollins, getting up early to fly here? Wow, things must be really bad," Amanda joked crassly.

His stomach coiled in revulsion. "Amanda..."

She shrugged, then frowned.

Sonny squeezed her elbow. "You're gonna be alright soon."

Her arms began to tremble and she winced. "Can you take her? I thought I, I can't..."

"Yeah, I got it. I got her," he assured her gently, doing his best not to look concerned by how weak she was. The moment he took Ruby from her, Amanda's arms dropped to her side like she had been carrying one hundred pounds of weight.

Amanda watched him cradle the infant with a sad kind of envy. "I can barely hold my own kid. I can't even..." There was a distinct hitch in her voice. "I can't even feed her..."

He swallowed thickly, for once unsure of what to say. He realized that she must be terrified. In the course of a day, Amanda had gone from fiercely independent and capable to totally reliant on the medical care she was receiving. After having both Jesse and Luca, she had been out of bed in an absurdly short amount of time, demanding to leave Bellevue. When she had been shot or injured, she was still feisty and opinionated. She didn't want medication, or a wheel chair, or people incessantly asking _are you okay?_ Of course she was okay. She was Amanda Rollins. Whatever happened, she had endured worse.

Except now, this was the worst.


	29. Chapter 29

**AN:** Sorry this update took forever - the holidays are crazy both professionally and personally! Also, a nice guest reviewer asked for a one-shot about Amanda and Sonny after the whole almost-kiss thing from "Intent" so I'll probably be posting that next. It'll have nothing to do with this ridiculous saga I've created and of course, after it's done we will return to our regularly scheduled Rollins-Carisi family drama. ;-)

* * *

 _tell me you love me / I need someone on days like this_

* * *

Amanda blinked open her eyes; they were heavy and dry. She was so damn thirsty that swallowing was uncomfortable. The room wobbled and shifted before her, dark except the glow of medical equipment and some low lighting by the windows. She turned her head against the pillow, which sent a rush of dizziness through her. It was a similar sensation to when she drank too much and she tried to lay down and go sleep - except unfortunately she hadn't had a drop of alcohol. Her heart was pounding in her chest even though she hadn't moved in - wait, how long had she been there for? Time was so hard for her to grasp; there wasn't a clock on the wall and she had no idea where her phone was. She hated how jittery she felt, like her skin was crawling and her insides were trembling, but most of all Amanda despised how helpless her condition had rendered her.

With her bed angled upward, she didn't have to move much for Sonny's form to shift into her view. Slumped in an arm chair a few feet from her bed, he was staring out the window. Fingertips grazed over his mouth absently, a habit he had when he was thinking deeply about something. Amanda was sure that he was wearing exactly what he had been when they first entered the hospital: jeans and a faded black henley sweater. Either not much time had passed at all, or Sonny had yet to leave her side.

"Baby," Amanda called, although her voice lacked power. It didn't even sound like it came from her, but then again, she had never felt more out of touch with her own body.

Sonny's head jerked to look over at her. "Hey. You're awake."

"Mm." She couldn't quite make out his face, but he sounded tired. She felt a sudden swell of longing, like she hadn't seen him in days, like he was too far away. It was both humbling and terrifying not to be able to get up to greet him. "Will you lay with me?"

"'Course." Getting to his feet, he walked over to Amanda and sat down at her side opposite of where her IV lines were protruding. He toed off his sneakers, then stretched his long legs out parallel next to hers atop her blankets. An arm went around her shoulders.

Amanda tucked herself into his side, her head settling against his chest. She rested a palm against Sonny's abdomen and watched it move up and down gently with the rhythm of his breathing. She tried not to focus on the IV material jutting out from the top of her hand and trailing up her arm. The bump of skin where the needle sat underneath made her nauseous.

"You okay?" she heard Sonny ask her.

He sounded timid; Amanda wondered if he was afraid. Tears stung her eyes when she realized that, yes, of course he was. She felt guilty that he had to endure this, that she needed him so badly. _I love him so much,_ she thought. _He loves me, too. Sometimes I forget it. How could I forget it?_ She chewed the inside of her lip to keep from sobbing into his sweater. "Uh huh."

"Y'know, the more I see Ruby, the more and more she looks like you," Sonny mused, a hand soothing up and down her arm slowly. "Her little nose and mouth... it's crazy."

A smile flickered across her face. Instinctively, she shifted closer to him, but experienced a sharp twinge in her abdomen in the process. In addition to everything else, she was still sore from both childbirth and her surgery. The pain medication must have been wearing off, but whatever they had pushed through the IV hours ago made her queasy. It reminded her of something. "I had this thought..."

"Hm?" Sonny replied curiously.

"After all this... I mean, if this..." Amanda began awkwardly. It was hard to organize her thoughts, as weak as she was. "I think they're gonna tell me I can't have anymore kids."

"Well, we can't have this happenin' to you again," he reasoned.

"I know, it's just..."

"We said three kids, remember? Now we have three."

" _I_ said it," she reminded him. "I said three kids."

"And I agreed."

"Because I ended the conversation."

The silence that followed sent a surge of dread through an already-frazzled Amanda. She had always had the tendency to worry, but she had never felt so fragile before. She tried to remind herself that whatever was going on inside of her physically was the culprit, but it was hard to harness the energy trapped in that hospital bed. The situation felt so tenuous, all of the most precious things to her threatened by her flawed body, and Amanda's mind was so hazy it was as if she wasn't actually awake at all. Part of her wondered: if everything was so blurry, maybe this _was_ just a horrible nightmare... "I just... I really need you and I, I don't know what I'd do without you and..." she croaked, beginning to cry again, suddenly desperate. "I don't want you to resent me-"

"Whoa, Amanda, hang on," Sonny interrupted hurriedly. He shifted in his spot, maneuvering himself onto his side, trying to get a clear view of her face. "This isn't what you should be focusin' on right now. At all."

She rolled onto her back and sucked her lower lip into her mouth, her teeth sinking into the flesh there in an attempt to ground herself. _I feel like I'm going crazy,_ she thought to herself wearily. _No - I was crazy before. Now I'm fucking psychotic._

"All I care about is you gettin' better, bringin' you and Ruby home, and gettin' on with life. _Our_ life," Sonny went on, tone gentle but firm. He reached over her lap and squeezed her hand. "We got a good thing goin', don't you think? I need you, for all of it. When God gives you something, you don't ask why or if there'll be more, you just take care of it. He gave me you and three perfect kids. I even got a dog outta the deal."

"Don't forget Fluffy," she sniffed.

"Yeah. And Fluffy," he chuckled quietly. "D'you understand what I'm sayin', 'Manda? I've got everything I need and it's all because of you."

Turning her head against her pillow, Amanda looked at him. His expression was serious and it calmed her anxious heart. "I understand," she whispered. With the hand closest to him, she reached up so her palm could graze his cheek. He was so warm - or maybe she was particularly cold. "You really are my best friend."

* * *

When Beth Anne Rollins showed up in her hospital room at nine o'clock the next morning, Amanda wasn't sure what to think. She was exhausted: she only got disjointed sleep in between transfusions and subsequent blood tests. Defeated, she was too tired to protest her presence. Her mother stood silently by as a nurse restarted one of Amanda's IVs before quietly excusing herself, most likely sensing the wordless tension. Beth Anne then took one cautious step toward her daughter, like she was afraid Amanda had some kind of communicable illness. In a tailored blue dress, a cardigan draped over her shoulders and her pearls around her neck, her mother was dressed like she had just come from the country club and was merely stopping by as a courtesy.

"Mama," Amanda murmured in acknowledgement.

"Amanda," Beth Anne replied coolly. She took another step closer, eyes flickering over Amanda's face and form in the bed. "You look terrible."

If it didn't hurt to laugh, she would have. "Thanks," she replied sarcastically. "I'm surprised you came."

Her expression turned into one of well-practiced surprise. "Why wouldn't I?"

"You're pissed at me," Amanda reminded her. "About Kim."

"Well, Sonny said..." Her mother looked uncomfortable as she fiddled with her necklace. She concluded quietly, "I've just never heard him sound so worried." She cleared her throat. "How are you feeling?"

She picked at the sticky residue left over from old medical tape by her IV site. "As good as I look."

"Well, you know, this is woman's cross to bear," Beth Anne sighed. "The pain and suffering of childbirth."

Amanda blinked at her, awestruck by the woman's aloofness. She wished her throat wasn't so dry, so she could scream properly.

"The baby is beautiful. Ruby is a nice southern name," her mother continued. Another step closer. "Glad to know you haven't totally forgotten where you came from..."

Amanda's eyes flickered to the call light attached to her bed. She remembered how Kim had gotten a nurse to throw her out of her hospital room and contemplated following her younger sister's lead, no matter how dramatic.

"It hurts me that you think I wouldn't come," Beth Anne simpered.

"I can't get Kim outta jail so you're wastin' your breath, if that's what this is all about," Amanda told her with as much power in her voice as she could muster. Her pulse was already racing due to her lack of blood, but she swore it was elevating every second her mother was by her side.

"No, it's not. I know you can't. What's done is done," she assured her quietly. "When can you leave here?"

"I don't know."

"Alright. Well, I was thinkin' maybe, if Sonny's parents want a break, I could watch the kids for awhile."

Her mouth fell open. "What?"

"I never get to see them," she went on timidly. "You never come to Georgia and I'm never here, so, I thought maybe it would be a good opportunity..."

It was then Amanda realized that this was probably her mother's attempt at an olive branch. Beth Anne floundered when it came to apologies; she preferred the pettiness of the silent treatment. Now, circumstances had changed and even though her emotional intelligence was notoriously minuscule, Amanda wondered if this was the only way her mother knew how to express caring or concern. As selfish as she was, even Beth Anne Rollins couldn't sip her martini in peace knowing one of her daughters was in jail and the other was seriously ill.

Amanda's eyes narrowed. "Just... don't talk about Kim, and don't talk about Declan," she instructed curtly. "And please, God, don't talk about me. Just... be their grandma, alright? Can you do that?"

Her mother nodded earnestly. "I can. I will."

* * *

Amanda's phone buzzed beneath her sheets. Bleary-eyed, she fumbled for it and squinted at the text: it was from Sonny's mother. The message contained a video of Jesse and Luca on the couch, shouting, _love you, mama! Miss you, mama!_ at Mrs. Carisi's prompting. They looked cozy together, probably about to watch a movie with the hot chocolate Sonny's mother made from scratch. Longing tugged at Amanda's heart; she watched the short video three times just to hear their voices and see their faces. Eventually, she pressed her phone to her chest and closed her eyes like she could somehow transport herself to their side. Earlier that day she had begged the physician to allow her to see them, but the doctor had stood firm in his order to maintain the limited visitor policy. Amanda's lab work was still too inconsistent to call her condition 'improved.'

"I got you something," a familiar female voice announced.

Amanda opened her eyes and let her phone fall into her lap. The room swayed before her; she was always dizzy now. Gina, the nurse that had been working with her since Ruby had been born, was walking toward her bed. "Hm?"

From behind her back, Gina brandished a styrofoam cup. "I snuck you some ice chips. I figured you were thirsty."

Her eyes lit up; it was the best thing she had ever seen. "Oh my God, thank you," she gushed, taking the cup from her eagerly. She could hardly wait to tip it back into her mouth and she did so shamelessly, crunching down on the deliciously cold ice.

"You're welcome. Enjoy," she grinned. She fiddled with one of the machines Amanda was attached to. "Where's your husband?"

"He's with my crazy mother," Amanda replied thickly. "Going to pick up our kids."

Gina nodded. "Gotcha."

The ice popped and snapped in her mouth, soothing her parched throat when she swallowed. She never though she would be so happy to consume something so basic, but the past few days had successfully reminded her to take nothing for granted. As she chewed, she watched Gina move around the room. Her memory was patchy, but from what Amanda could recall, the young woman certainly worked a lot. "This job must be tough, huh?"

"It's funny you say that," the nurse responded, meeting Amanda's eyes with a small smile. "Your husband said the opposite."

"Mm. Doesn't surprise me," Amanda murmured into her cup. "He's the softest cop you'll ever meet."

"That's kinda nice for a change. Most of them are racist assholes," Gina scoffed.

She quirked an eyebrow, amused. "We're not all bad."

Gina's brow furrowed. "You're a cop too?"

Crunching on some more ice, she nodded. "Yeah."

"Oh, I'm sorry," she babbled frantically. "I didn't mean to-"

"Nah, it's alright," Amanda insisted. She had heard far worse.

Color was high on her cheeks as she admitted, "you just seem so..."

She tilted her head, studying the nurse. "So...?"

"Human," Gina concluded sheepishly.

Amanda smirked. "I'm one of those, too."

"If you don't mind me asking..." she went on cautiously.

"You've been between my legs. Ask me whatever you want," she mumbled jokingly.

She grinned. "How do you... how do you guys manage everything, with your work and all that?"

"A good babysitter. Coffee." She shrugged, jostling the remaining ice in her cup and watching it shift. "Sonny's my partner, at work and at home. I don't think you can do it all unless you're a team." Amanda thought of Sonny making dinner, of their unmade bed, of Luca's toy cars tripping her on the way up the stairs and Jesse's lopsided snowman in the backyard. She sighed and looked up at Gina. "When am I getting outta here?"

"You can barely walk," the nurse reminded her gently.

"Am I gonna... everything's gonna be alright, right?" Amanda asked her, almost embarrassed by the hint of fear creeping into her voice. "Everybody keeps givin' me these weird, sad looks..."

Gina offered her the exact expression she had just described. "You're gonna be fine."

"You have to say that to everybody, don't you?" she guessed.

"No, it's just... you seem tough," Gina explained.

 _See, that's the thing. I'm not,_ Amanda wanted to reply. _I can shoot a gun or throw a punch but this is different. I've never been so scared._ Instead, she simply nodded and hoped for Sonny's quick return.


	30. Chapter 30

**AN:** ALERT! As I said last chapter, this quick lil update has *nothing* to do with the ridiculous saga I've created. Consider it a suspense tactic ;-) but somebody requested a one-shot of the aftermath of whatever that Rollisi was in "Intent" last Wednesday and I felt inspired to try. We'll be back to our regularly scheduled Rollins-Carisi family drama for the next chapter!

* * *

 _I know that it's hard to give up your cards / and show me what's underneath / we've all got our scars over our hearts / but that ain't gonna make me leave_

* * *

 _We have to talk._

Amanda's thumb hovered over the 'send' key before pressing it. It was an ominous message, but an honest one. Things between she and Sonny had been awkward for the past week since they had returned to New York City from West Virginia. She had employed her usual tactic in an effort to get things to shift back to normal - icy cynicism disguised as confidence - but it hadn't seemed to work. Now, it was all she could think about; it kept her up at night. For years, Amanda had tossed Sonny bits and pieces of her feelings like breadcrumbs. He had followed the trail all the way to her dingy motel room, pink-cheeked and hopeful, but found that it only led to the same flighty, unsure woman he had met when he had first joined SVU. Nothing had changed and she did not want him.

Amanda did not want him.

She needed him.

It was precious to her, whatever it was that they shared. It was a relationship unlike anything Amanda had ever experienced before and sometimes she caught herself hoping Sonny felt that way, too. She remembered exactly when their dynamic had shifted - at least in her own head. Four years ago she and Amaro had been trailing Sonny as he drove undercover in a van, following a sex trafficking suspect. _He'll lose him,_ Nick had declared irritably from the driver's seat next to Amanda. _Give Carisi a break,_ she had blurted in response, stung by Nick's comment even though it had absolutely nothing to do with her.

She wasn't an idiot: Amanda had known for awhile that Sonny had feelings for her outside of their friendship and role as partners. He was obvious. He was also so terrifyingly _good_ that she was convinced that after the haze of lust cleared, he would see her for what she really was: bad. Damaged. Reckless. To keep Sonny at arm's length was Amanda's pathetic gesture of selflessness, depriving herself of what she desired for the sake of preserving Sonny's soft heart. She yearned to explain it all to him, to admit that she didn't know what to do with his kindness and honesty or the way he made her feel beautiful because she was smart and strong, not just blonde-haired and blue-eyed. Instead, lately every time they spoke something crass and defensive came out of Amanda's mouth and it scared her. Had she guarded her heart so fiercely for so long that she had forgotten how to listen to it?

 _About what?_ Sonny replied a few minutes later.

Quick thumbs sent back: _West Virginia..._

 _Ok. When?_

 _Now._

 _Now? Where?_

 _My place. Jesse is asleep._

 _Ok._

Amanda tossed her phone onto the couch before she skittered into her bedroom, tripping over one of Jesse's dolls in the process. She studied herself in her mirror: no make-up, wearing leggings and a white t-shirt. She prodded at the crown of her head in a feeble attempt at making her hair look better. It didn't do much, so she arranged her side-swept bangs into place carefully. Should she put mascara on? Or maybe some real pants? Squeezing her eyes shut, Amanda shook her head to quiet her thoughts. Sonny would never believe she was lounging around all dressed up; he had spent way too much time with her off the clock.

She moved from the bed, to the couch, to pacing in the kitchen in the half hour it took for her doorbell to ring. Amanda walked the few paces to the front of her apartment slowly before answering the door. _Don't be mean, be honest,_ she kept telling herself. _Just be honest._

Hands shoved into the pockets of his leather jacket, Sonny seemed to be studying his sneakers or something particularly interesting on the hallway carpet in the second before he realized that the door had opened. Lifting his head, he gave her a smile that didn't reach his eyes. "Hey."

"Hey." Amanda stepped aside. "Come in."

He did. He sat down on her couch and took off his coat, but he slung it over his knee like he was anticipating having to make a hasty exit. Frannie sniffed him curiously, familiar with his scent by now. "So..."

"So..." she echoed as she sat carefully beside him.

"What's up?" he asked lightly.

"I wanted to talk to you."

"Yeah, I figured that part out."

"Well, I, I thought maybe last week I came off a little..."

"A little..."

"A little cold. Maybe."

"Okay..."

She cleared her throat, suddenly disoriented by Sonny's apparent lack of enthusiasm for the conversation. She sat up straighter and arranged her face, never one to be caught vulnerable. So much for spilling her guts. "I just, I don't care what people think of me," Amanda concluded briskly.

He relaxed back into her couch, appearing almost bored. "Right."

"But I just thought I should apologize," she went on hastily. "Y'know. For how I talked to you. Not for what I did, because I can do whatever I want."

Sonny nodded. "Noted."

"And it's not like, I mean, like I told you: I'm a human being. I work all the time, I've got Jesse, it's just... I was havin' fun, that's all. I don't even have his phone number. Hell, I don't even have his last name," she rambled. Why did she feel compelled to keep talking? Suspects always inevitably fucked up their stories when they talked about it too much. "I don't intend to ever see him again. I mean, he lives in West Virginia and-"

"Can I ask you something?" he interrupted suddenly.

It was a relief to hear him talk. "Yeah."

His eyes searched her face in silence for what seemed like forever. "Why are you tellin' me this, if you don't care what people think?"

It was hard to keep eye contact with him when she could feel her cheeks coloring with embarrassment. This was what she had wanted, right? An honest conversation? "I don't know. I just thought..."

Sonny stared at her expectantly; clearly he was not going to make this easy.

"I guess I care about what you think, a little," she admitted quietly.

His expression remained unchanged. "Why?"

"You're a good person. The best person I know, probably," she mumbled. "Wouldn't anybody want the best person they know thinkin' the best of them, too?"

"Yeah." He sighed and looked sheepish. "But, ah, that bein' said... I guess I should apologize, too."

Amanda arched an eyebrow. "Y'mean, for acting like a pissy teenage boy?"

"Yeah," he chuckled. "For that."

She narrowed her eyes. "You were jealous."

Sonny dropped his gaze and picked at a hangnail on his thumb

"Of a guy named _Buck?_ " Amanda prompted him. She couldn't help the hint of amusement in her voice.

 _Pick, pick, pick..._

It was driving her fucking nuts. Impulsively, she covered his hands with one of her own and squeezed. His fingers stilled immediately, skin warm and calloused beneath her touch. "I'm not sure... how to do this," Amanda admitted softly. "To make it so, so it doesn't get messed up."

He remained perfectly motionless, but lifted his eyes to meet hers. "So what doesn't?"

 _Now or never,_ she figured. "It's easy to jump right into sex. It's fun, too. 'Cause it's exciting, y'know?" she began to explain. "But then the excitement wears off and you get to know who the other person really is, and that's where it all starts going to hell." Tilting her head, she offered him a timid smile. "It always goes to hell with me. I don't know why. Maybe I attract it. Not to get all 'woe is me' on you, 'cause I hate that shit, but..."

She looked down at their hands, momentarily distracted by the sight. Faint blue and purple blotches stood out against her pale knuckles, the remnants of their bar fight one week ago. _We could have taken all those guys, you know?_ Sonny had announced gleefully that night. _You're a helluva partner._..

Amanda contemplated lifting her palm, but couldn't bring herself to move. If he rejected her, at least she could remember this, close her eyes and pretend she knew what it was like to have his hands roaming over all the places she kept hidden from him. She had a very vivid imagination; she could concoct hours of fantasies prompted by the simplest of touches.

When Amanda lifted her gaze again, she found him watching her. Suddenly shy, she scrunched up her nose and concluded, "I don't want it to go to hell with you."

Sonny's expression softened. When he nodded, something about the way he was looking at her let Amanda know he understood. His fingers twitched beneath her palm so his thumb could graze over the back of her hand gently. An odd combination of relief and anticipation washed over her. She had been truthful about her feelings and the world hadn't ended - at least not yet.

"D'ya wanna maybe... stay?" she offered. "I was gonna start re-watching _The Office_..."

A slow grin eased over his features. "Yeah. Yeah, I do."

Amanda leaned forward to grab the remote off of the coffee table, then sunk back into the couch next to Sonny. She bent her legs in and let them drop to one side, resting them against Sonny's thigh. He settled a warm palm atop her knee, prompting a smile to tug at the corners of her mouth. Just like that, it was easy again, even despite the hints of newness. It felt so sweet and chaste, so very far from any interaction she had ever had with a man, that Amanda wished she could bottle it up and save it for the days she felt isolated or unworthy.

Or maybe they could just keep doing this.


	31. Chapter 31

_though I falter / you got me walking on water_

* * *

"See here? That number is great, but next to it..." a male voice said.

"It goes back down again," Amanda heard Sonny reply. "Why?"

"The dehydration we're treating with IV fluids could strain her kidneys, or the trauma of both childbirth and surgery... all of it reduces red blood cell count."

"So what do we do now?"

Amanda opened one eye to see the physician, Dr. Moore, and Sonny huddled together over a piece of paper - obviously discussing what was going on with her. She had been napping, but she didn't sleep very deeply lately, not with people poking and prodding at her all the time. "Hey," she called to the two men irritably. "I'm not brain dead."

Looking up, Dr. Moore offered her a surprised but sheepish smile. "I was just explaining to your husband possible reasons for your fluctuating hemoglobin. We need it to be steady."

She struggled to sit up straighter, even if the quick change in position made her woozy. She was tired of people talking about her like she wasn't lucid - she may have been sick, but as time passed, she was mustering more and more of her self-determination. "I've been here for three days, I'm getting blood all the time..."

"The life span of the red blood cells we're giving you may not be too long. We can't tell," the doctor went on. "My hope is in a few more days, everything will even out."

"A few more days?" Amanda repeated, mouth agape.

"I know it's not ideal..." Dr. Moore replied grimly.

"Can I please see my kids?" she pleaded. "I can't... I can't stay here any longer and not see them."

Sonny grimaced. "No offense, Amanda, but-"

"Don't start a sentence that way," Amanda snapped. It was one of her biggest pet peeves.

"You don't look so great," he continued, as if she needed a reminder. "You really want the kids seein' you now?"

"Well, I don't feel so great but I'm not gettin' any better without them," she retorted, although she sounded more sad than angry. She looked at the physician with wide, hopeful eyes. "They're really well-behaved. I mean, Luca is kind of... well, he's a little boy, so... but he'll be good."

After a moment of thought, the doctor sighed, "alright, alright. They can come by for a few hours."

* * *

"Mama!"

Jesse's voice was clear as a bell as she galloped into Amanda's hospital room. A grin spread wide across Amanda's face and tears sprung to her eyes at the sight of her daughter, although she was determined not to cry. Jesse was still bundled in her purple puffy winter coat and pink hat as she climbed onto Amanda's bed; she wasn't going to wait for an invitation. She flung herself into Amanda's side, oblivious to any of the wires and tubing her mother was attached to, and wrapped her little arms around her in a hug.

"Hey, baby. Oh, I'm so happy to see you," Amanda said brightly, although there was a quiver of emotion in her voice. She kissed the top of her head and squeezed her with all of the strength she possessed. She smelled like her fruity shampoo and home.

Next, Sonny appeared carrying Luca. The two-year-old strained to get out of his arms, wriggling around excitedly until his father set him carefully onto Amanda's bed. "Hi, mama," Luca greeted her, his chubby face pink from the bitter winter air.

"Hi, Lu. I'm so glad to see you," she told him, offering him a big smile. With her free arm, she pulled him close to her side. He planted a sloppy kiss on her cheek.

Jesse started wiggling out of her jacket. "What's wrong with you? Do you feel better?"

"I feel better," Amanda replied carefully. She had been adamant about shielding both children from the details of her situation, even though Jesse was definitely smart enough to figure out that something was amiss.

"Are you coming home?" her daughter wondered.

"Not yet."

"When?"

"Soon. How's grandma?"

"Fine." Distracted by Ruby in her bassinet by the other side of Amanda's bed, Jesse asked, "can I hold the baby?"

"Sure you can," Sonny agreed. "Remember, you gotta hold her head up. She can't do that yet." Leaning over, he pulled the sleeping baby from the bassinet before he gently passed the infant to Jesse. He arranged her arms to hold the bundle properly.

Amanda looked down at her two daughters and smiled. She kept her own arm around Jesse, steadying her. For the first time since she was admitted into the hospital, she felt relaxed. Even though there were IVs hanging from her arms and machines keeping track of everything happening inside of her body, it felt so much less terrifying with all of the people she loved close by. They were the living and breathing reasons why she had to get better.

"Baby," Luca observed.

"That's right," Amanda nodded. She smoothed out his massive amount of unruly blonde hair, which greatly resembled his father's.

Jesse prodded Ruby's cheek. "She's soft."

"Me! Me see!" Luca demanded, beginning to crawl over Amanda's lap.

Jesse moved Ruby from his reach. "No, she's mine."

Afraid of a two-year-old tantrum getting both children kicked out, Amanda set a hand on Luca's back and told him, "here, Luca. Come closer. Jesse'll let you see. Won't you, Jess?"

Begrudgingly, Jesse tipped her arms forward so her brother could see Ruby. Luca reached a hand out to touch her.

"Gentle," Sonny reminded him, hovering close.

Luca stole glances at his father, waiting for approval as his fingers cautiously grazed his new sister's face. "Baby."

"Ruby," Amanda told Luca.

The little boy's face screwed up in concentration, like he was really working hard to repeat what his mother had just said. "Ruby," he chirped, proudly looking between his parents for an indication that he was correct.

A two-hour visit together felt like ten minutes to Amanda. She found herself disappointed as Jesse began to pull on her coat so Sonny could drive them back to Beth Anne in Queens. When he held out Luca's jacket for the two-year-old to take, his face scrunched up aversion. He pressed his back against the bed and dug his heels into the mattress in protest.

"C'mon, buddy. It's time to go," Sonny sighed.

Luca shook his head. "No."

"Yeah, we gotta." He took a step closer. "Grandma's waitin' for you. She's makin' dinner."

"No! I stay here!" Luca shouted, flinging his little body dramatically into Amanda's side.

Amanda frowned, her stomach twisting with guilt and sadness. She wanted so badly to leave with them all and for a split-second, she contemplated demanding to be discharged. She didn't, though, because she had a feeling that kind of impulsivity would not serve her body well. She ran a reassuring hand down Luca's back and peered down at his face. He was pouting against her chest, half-hiding from his father, his eyelashes dark with tears.

"We can't stay here, pal," Sonny insisted gently.

Luca shook his head furiously.

She tilted her head to try to look Luca in the eye. "C'mon. No crying," Amanda urged him. She offered him the biggest grin she could manage. "You takin' good care of Frannie for me?"

He nodded and sniffled. "Uh huh."

She quirked an eyebrow and asked him playfully, "when I come home, are all the treats gonna be gone?"

An impish smile flickered across Luca's boyish features. "No..."

" _Reeeally?_ " she sing-songed before tickling his stomach and beneath an arm.

"No!" he shrieked with laughter, limbs flailing at her touch.

Amanda wrapped her arms around his squirming body and kissed his blonde head. "Uh huh," she murmured. "Gimme a kiss and be a good boy."

Luca obediently lifted his head, wiped his nose with the back of his hand and pecked her on the lips.

"Atta boy," Sonny told him approvingly before beginning to help Luca put on his coat.

"Mama, I'm gonna wait to do my Valentine's day cards for my class till you come home, okay?" Jesse said from the side of her bed.

She smiled. "You don't want dad to help you?"

Jesse scrunched her nose up and shook her head. "No, he has ugly writing."

"Hey..." Sonny frowned, offended.

"You'll be back in time, won't you?" her daughter asked, looking worried.

Amanda took Jesse's chin between her fingers and promised, "you bet."

* * *

"What's a ten letter word that means 'bad manners?'" Sonny asked, peering up from the Ledger from the armchair next to Amanda's bed.

Amanda looked up from her phone; she was deeply involved in a game of Solitaire. "Hmm. 'Disrespect?'"

He scribbled in the answer, the paper resting on his knee. "Good one."

"You're losing your touch," she murmured, eyes back on her virtual cards.

"I'm tired," Sonny retorted.

She sighed. "I told you to go home and get some rest."

"I know, and I've told _you_ that I'd rather be here," he insisted.

Truthfully, Amanda didn't want him to leave. The hours she had spent alone in the hospital had been uncomfortable and scary; Sonny was familiarity and safety. It wasn't necessarily fair: even though her mother was with Jesse and Luca, they wanted Sonny, too. She hoped that another night without either of them at bedtime wouldn't traumatize them too severely.

There was a knock at the door of her room before Dr. Moore appeared, prompting both Amanda and Sonny to look up.

"Hey, doc. How are ya?" Sonny greeted the physician casually.

"Hey, guys. Not too bad... Amanda, how are you feeling?" Dr. Moore asked.

Amanda shrugged. "Alright. The itching has stopped and my hands aren't so swollen. I'm not as weak. My head is still kinda fuzzy."

Dr. Moore nodded as he took a seat by the bed. "Well, I have good news and I have not-so-good news."

"Okay..." Amanda glanced over at Sonny. "What's the good news?"

"Your lab work has improved. Assuming nothing changes, you can go home tomorrow," the doctor explained.

"Oh, thank God," she breathed, relaxing back into her pillow with obvious relief. "What else?"

"You probably saw this coming, but, fertility is negatively impacted by postpartum hemorrhaging. Your case was - is - very serious." Dr. Moore looked at Amanda, then Sonny, then back at Amanda again. "It's likely that you'll have trouble conceiving in the future, and if you do conceive, it will be a high-risk pregnancy."

She had anticipated the doctor's speech before he came to give it, but it still stung to hear out loud. "Yeah, I understand," Amanda responded stoically.

"S'long as Amanda and Ruby are healthy, that's all that matters to me," Sonny said.

"I'm not a fertility specialist, but I can always refer to you one. I just like to be transparent about these things," Dr. Moore continued. He offered her a wan smile. "I'm guessing you'd like to be out of here as soon as possible. I'll have your discharge paperwork ready for first thing in the morning."

* * *

Being in her own bed was wonderful, but she wasn't doing a lot of sleeping with a newborn just a few feet away. She and Sonny barely stole an hour or two of rest before they were eventually awoken by Ruby's cries. Amanda still savored the brief quiet, buried deep beneath clean sheets with Sonny's arm slung over her hip, blissfully unattached to medicated solutions or somebody else's blood. Five days in the hospital had addressed her sudden medical issue, but she was still enduring the aftermath of giving birth. The doctor had explained that her loss of blood would exacerbate all of the usual postpartum symptoms, but as long as Amanda could experience them at home, she didn't care. She would gladly be sore, sweaty and irritable in Queens.

Ruby fussed before she let out a full wail. Amanda's eyelashes fluttered at the sound. "Mm, Sonny," she murmured into her pillow. "Can you go..."

She felt Sonny roll away from her, the mattress shifting as he untangled himself from the sheets. "Yeah, I'm up," he grumbled. "I'm goin'."

Because she was prescribed various medications, Amanda wasn't allowed to breastfeed. She found it somewhat disappointing, but after the ordeal she had just been through, she wasn't going to defy the doctor's orders. In a way, it was a blessing, because at least now Sonny could get up and make a bottle just as well as she could. She heard him shuffle out into the hallway, then she gingerly sat up and flipped on her bedside light. Frannie was laying on the floor of their room, watching her lazily. When Jesse used to cry as a baby, the dog would run around frantically in response. At this point, she couldn't be bothered.

Amanda padded over to Ruby, who was red-faced and squirming in her bassinet, her hands dislodged from her swaddle. "Alright, alright. Your snack's coming," Amanda assured the infant, reaching in to pick her up and hold her close. Her lips grazed the infant's head, encountering the soft brown hair there. Her little body was trembling with the force of her cries. Amanda wandered around the room slowly as Ruby shrieked in her ear. "Shh, shh..." She winced. "Girl, you are _loud._ "

Sonny reappeared moments later, shaking up a bottle. He thrust it toward Amanda before flopping back onto the bed, face first as he bounced against the mattress. She navigated the nipple into Ruby's eager mouth before asking Sonny, "what do you think you're doing?"

"Sleeping," he rumbled into the pillow.

"I don't think so," she laughed crassly. "I'm not gonna be the only one tortured."

With a dramatic sigh, he rolled over onto his back. He looked sort of pathetic, all rumpled and disheveled. "I'm tired."

"Poor thing," she simpered sarcastically. A smirk took over her features. "Giving birth is so - oh, _wait_ , that wasn't you."

He rolled his eyes.

"D'you love me?" she asked sweetly.

Sonny smirked. "Do I have a choice?"

Amanda scowled.

"That was a joke," he chuckled. "'Course I love you."

"You should know better than to joke with me for the next... six weeks, approximately," she mumbled. She looked down at Ruby, who was draining her bottle with enthusiasm, her blue eyes focused intently on her mother's face. Amanda's heart swelled with love for her daughter - and with gratitude that _she_ had been the one to fall ill, not Ruby. She would have endured a million hospital stays if it meant she could spare any of her kids any kind of suffering.

"I got ya something," Sonny yawned after a few moments of blessed silence.

Amanda looked up and quirked an eyebrow. "Huh?"

"I got you something," he repeated, sitting up.

"What is it?" she asked curiously.

His long arm reached over to the drawer of his bedside table. "I was gonna give it to you when Ruby was born, but, well... y'know," he explained. Sitting back up again, he brandished a small navy box, held it out to her and offered, "I'll trade ya."

Curious, she carefully passed over Ruby and her bottle to Sonny and took the gift from him. Eyes on Sonny, Amanda cracked open the box, then dropped her gaze to look at the contents. Inside sat a delicate ring consisting of a thin yellow gold band and three small, round diamonds in a row. Amanda's eyes widened in complete surprise; she had not been expecting jewelry at four-thirty in the morning. "Sonny," she exclaimed breathlessly. "What..."

"Three diamonds for three kids," Sonny explained with a lopsided grin.

She met his eyes and frowned, but not because she was sad. She was overwhelmed - by Sonny's thoughtfulness, by how consistently he was committed to making sure she knew that she was loved and appreciated. "It's beautiful," she told him huskily. If she hadn't been overly emotional before, she definitely was now. "I love it."

Sonny continued to smile at her. "I'm glad."

Amanda pulled the ring from its confines, set the box on the bed and slid it into place right above her engagement ring. Thankfully, the swelling in her fingers had gone down significantly. She held out her hand and admired the dainty stack of jewelry proudly, then used that palm to cup the side of Sonny's face as she kissed him. "Thank you. I love you," she whispered. "I'll never take it off."

"It looks great," he murmured against her lips.

She sunk down onto the edge of the bed next to Sonny. Pressing in close to his side, she squeezed his bicep gently. "Thank you for everything, for the past week. I know it wasn't easy." She set her chin atop his shoulder and fiddled with the blanket around Ruby. "We're all so lucky to have you."

"Nah." He shook his head and glanced over at her almost bashfully. Carefully, he pulled the empty bottle from Ruby's mouth and set it aside. He grabbed a burp cloth that had gotten tangled up in their sheets and slung it over his shoulder, then maneuvered the baby to rest upright against it. "Honestly, it was just... the scariest part was leavin' you for twenty minutes and comin' back to see all those people freaking out around you..."

Amanda nodded. Bits and pieces of the memory lingered, but she had actively tried to suppress the details. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Ruby spit up all over Sonny's shoulder and grimaced. She got up and grabbed a fresh cloth from underneath her bassinet before returning to Sonny's side to help clean the baby up. "I'm just glad it's over," Amanda concluded quietly, wiping off Ruby's face gently. "I never could have imagined that anything like that could happen to me."

Sonny adjusted the baby against his shoulder to accommodate Amanda as she swapped out the cloths. "The past year's been..."

"Yeah." She didn't need him to finish his sentence. She knew what he was implying: there wasn't just one word to adequately to describe the past thirteen months, but at least they had made it through together.


	32. Chapter 32

**AN:** Hi, friends! I'm back from vacation so here is some domestic bliss. As always, let me know if there's any scenario in particular you'd like me to write for the new year!

* * *

 _got your back if you got mine / one foot in front of the other_

* * *

Luca's hand clung to his mother's fingers as they walked down East 47th street. Amanda pushed the stroller containing almost-two-month-old Ruby, who was bundled up in a cream-colored fleece coverall. It was a sunny but brisk Tuesday afternoon in early March and Amanda had needed to get out of the house. With Luca not quite in preschool, his energy was boundless and exhausting in combination with having to care for a newborn. A trip on the subway fascinated him well enough, although it did nothing to quell his incessant babbling, which Amanda was convinced could be attributed to his Carisi genes. Once they were downtown, she kept a tight grip on his small hand as they traveled down the familiar sidewalk, paranoid as ever. He narrated their journey to the 16th precinct with his observations of _firetruck! Doggy! It's cold!_ up until the moment they were inside.

Alone in the elevator, the shiny silver doors slid shut. "You wanna press the button?" Amanda offered Luca.

The little boy nodded. "Yes."

She pointed to the '3.' "This one."

Luca jabbed the button with enthusiasm.

"Remember what I said before?" Amanda asked him as she pulled off her hat and put away her sunglasses. "No running around like wild man here, okay? Hands to yourself."

"Okay..." he agreed sweetly.

When the elevator stopped and the doors opened, Luca launched himself into the busy squad room, yelling, " _dad!_ "

A few heads swiveled around at the sound of the child's voice and his scampering as he tried to locate his father among the desks. As she navigated the stroller further into the precinct, Amanda cringed and mouthed a _sorry_ to the familiar faces that were quirking eyebrows.

Obviously surprised, Sonny got up from his desk and intercepted Luca, picking him up to give him an enthusiastic hug. "Hey, buddy! How'd you get here?" he exclaimed.

"Mama train," Luca explained. Almost immediately distracted, he strained his little body downward, reaching for the pens in the cup on Sonny's desk. "Have this?"

"No, I need those," Sonny told him gently, shifting his body back upright again. He grinned at Amanda as she approached his desk and leaned over the stroller to kiss her. "I didn't know you guys were comin'."

"I couldn't stay inside for another minute," she admitted. "Luca drew all over the downstairs hallway wall in crayon and I spent an hour and a half scrubbing it off." She moved to the front of the stroller to carefully rearrange the blankets surrounding Ruby so she wouldn't get too hot now that they were inside. "I don't even know how he got the crayons. He must have scaled the kitchen counter to get them. Then once I'd cleaned everything, I asked him to pick up his trucks in the living room and he had a meltdown and hid in a corner for a half hour crying and moaning and bein' dramatic..."

"He seems fine now," Sonny observed lightly, looking between her and Luca.

Pausing as she slid Ruby's hood off of her head, Amanda glared at him wordlessly.

"'Manda, I didn't know you were stopping by," came Fin's voice from behind her.

She turned around and smiled. "I didn't know either."

"How's Miss Ruby doin'?" Fin asked as he hugged her.

"Fine," Amanda sighed, settling her hands on her hips when they separated. "She isn't the issue."

"Come to Uncle Fin before somebody puts you to work around here," Fin cooed to Ruby as he reached into the stroller to pull her from her confines. He cradled her lovingly in his arms, the baby appearing even tinier than usual against his larger frame. He looked up at Luca, who was still balanced against Sonny's hip, and held out a palm for a high-five. "What's up, little man?"

"High-five," Luca said as his palm met Fin's.

Liv appeared over Fin's shoulder. "Oh, the baby's here!" She beamed down at Ruby, then at Amanda. "Amanda, she's so beautiful. She gets cuter every time I see her."

"Spittin' image of her mother," Sonny said proudly.

Amanda smiled at the compliment, although she did not feel especially beautiful. She dug her hands into the pockets of her too-big zip-up, hiding her chewed fingernails from her lurking coworkers' gaze. She had lost a drastic amount of weight in the past two months, although not because she was trying to. Since leaving the hospital she had been anxious and uninterested in a lot of things, including food. The term 'baby blues' made her cringe, but seeing as she didn't have a lot to be sad about lately, she had no choice but to attribute her mood to postpartum depression. This time around, she felt the loneliness of being at home more intensely. Sonny went back to SVU almost immediately after Ruby's birth and absorbed all of the overtime Amanda had left in her wake. _Did you know it costs $600,000 to raise three kids from birth to age 17?!_ he had informed her repeatedly. She was incredibly nervous, too, in a way she had never felt before. It prompted her to try to control everything, as if that would relieve some of the lingering dread she was hanging on to since her stint in the hospital. Amanda hadn't experienced many changes to her mood with her first two children, but maybe her body was especially dedicated to letting her know that this should be her last pregnancy.

"When are you comin' back?" Fin asked her.

 _Not soon enough,_ Amanda wanted to say, but as she looked between two of her sweet children, she resisted the urge. "May."

"Hey, Lieu, is it alright if we go out and grab some lunch?" Sonny asked, facial expression hopeful.

"Sure." Liv smiled between the two of them. "I'll text you if something comes up."

* * *

Amanda poked at her salad seated across from Sonny at Genuine Superette in Little Italy. Removed from her stroller, Ruby slept peacefully in her carrier set on the booth next to her. Luca was secured into a booster seat at the end of the table, smushing french fries into his napkin with intense fascination.

Sonny peered up at her from his half-eaten sandwich. "What's the matter? You love this place."

"I do, yeah," Amanda insisted before adding honestly, "I'm just not that hungry."

His brow furrowed. "You're gonna disappear on me at this rate."

"Don't want this," Luca declared suddenly, shoving his plate away.

"You loved grilled cheese," Sonny reminded him, as if the two-year-old had suddenly forgotten.

Luca shook his head. "Nuh uh."

"You have to eat something," Sonny insisted.

"No!"

"Luca-"

"Don't start with him right now, please? It's gonna go bad," Amanda pleaded wearily. "We go through this every day lately."

"We do?" Sonny looked genuinely confused.

Amanda crunched on a green pepper. "Yeah, we do."

"I guess I haven't been around for meals much lately," he admitted sheepishly.

She responded only with raised eyebrows.

* * *

" _Vroooom_!"

Somehow wearing only one sock, Luca raced around the living room and kitchen holding a toy airplane high, making all the appropriate sound effects as loudly as his little vocal chords would allow. Every so often he would drop to the ground and roll around, sliding along the wood floor or tile on his belly as the plane skidded out in front of him. He scrambled after it with enthusiasm before hauling himself to his feet again to make more laps around the island. Sonny appeared unaffected by the two-year-old's theatrics: he was stretched out on the couch, feet on the coffee table as he drank a beer and watched the hockey game. Next to him lay the cat he claimed to despise, fuzzy stomach exposed in hopes of getting a rub.

While Sonny was the picture of week-night relaxation, Amanda was not. She was attempting to multi-task: she had Ruby in one arm as she went to switch what felt like the millionth load of laundry from the washer to the dryer. The baby shrieked every time she put her down, so as not to add to the volume level of their home, Amanda toted her around. As she began to walk down the hallway, her bare foot encountered a Lego and she stumbled. She caught herself before she fell, but there was nothing quite like the pain of encountering one of those damn blocks - her heel immediately began to throb. Looking down, she saw an obstacle course of toys that she had begged Sonny and Luca to pick up a half hour earlier. It made her both furious and anxious all at once; lately things being out of order only added to her perpetual state of unease.

"Sonny!" she yelled.

"What?" he called back lazily.

His bored tone infuriated her, although that wasn't particularly difficult to do these days. She stalked into the living room, free hand pointing back toward the hallway. "Didn't I ask you to help Luca pick up the blocks from the hallway?"

Sonny's eyes flickered from the television to her, then back to the screen again. "Yeah... you did..."

"Well, I just stepped on a stupid fucking Lego and nearly killed myself!"

"I think you're bein' a little dramatic."

"Is it that hard? Really? Is it _so_ much effort for you to put a handful of blocks away?"

"I was gettin' to it," he insisted after a sip of beer.

Amanda rolled her eyes. "You know what? Don't bother."

"Oh, Jesus, Amanda, come on-"

"Here." She strode over to him and plopped Ruby down into Sonny's empty lap. The baby yawned, lost her pacifier in the process and immediately began to whine. "Take your kid and make yourself useful, would you?"

"Hey, wait, I'm watchin' the game!" he moaned.

She was already scooping up the Legos and tossing them into the basket of toys in the living room, determined to ignore Sonny's complaining. She returned to the washer and dryer to switch out the clothes, hoping the task would keep her from saying something she would regret.

"I don't appreciate the insinuation that I don't do anything around here," he called to her.

Amanda shoved an armful of towels into the dryer. "Uh huh."

"It's not like I sit around eatin' bon-bons all day," Sonny went on irritably.

Amanda felt hot, angry tears sting her eyes. Of course she knew what he did all day. Of course it was important and meaningful and difficult in its own rite. None of this was _really_ about what Sonny was or was not doing, but she hadn't figured out how to say that yet. Instead, she responded curtly, "I know this is a real challenge for you, but please stop talking."

* * *

"It just feels different this time." Amanda shrugged in the big armchair of Dr. Lindstrom's office, her eyes focused on a spot behind the psychiatrist's head. She was actively suppressing the urge to chew her fingernails; the habit had gotten worse lately. She hadn't been to therapy in weeks and while she blamed her absence on lack of time, truthfully she was just avoiding it.

"How so?" Dr. Lindstrom asked in his gentle, curious way.

She sighed. "I'm more anxious. I don't let the baby out of my sight. I worry about Jesse at school. I'm nervous about taking Luca to the park, like somebody is gonna snatch him up..."

"Do you think your traumatic birth experience has something to do with how cautious you are now?" the doctor suggested.

"I guess." Amanda shrugged again. "I was so afraid to be without them, or for them to be without me. I still just want them all to be okay..."

Dr. Lindstrom nodded. "How's Sonny doing?"

"Oh, he's great. He's working all the time but he's happy. Nothing makes him happier than being with the kids." She toyed with the string of her navy NYPD sweatshirt and admitted, "it makes me feel guilty for feeling off. I'm always taking everything out on him. I don't know why. It's like, it overwhelms me even more being around him because he's so damn... _okay_. He doesn't get worked up about anything, ever."

"How you're feeling is perfectly normal," Dr. Lindstrom assured her. "With postpartum depression, most of the time by the third month after giving birth, mood improves on its own. For now, it's important that you try to get out of the house every day. I know it's hard for you, but ask for help. Don't try to do everything on your own."

"Sonny's mother always wants to help," Amanda explained. "I just feel badly asking, like I'm not doing something right if I need somebody else to step in..."

"You aren't being a hero by struggling alone, Amanda. How effective will you be as a mother if you're exhausted and anxious? Think of asking for help as doing you and your family a favor."

"I get it, yeah, but that doesn't make anything feel less..."

"Less?"

"Sort of like everything is barely being held together. Like at any second it's all gonna fall apart."

"Have you talked to Sonny about how you're feeling?"

"Of course not. I'm not gonna sit around and whine while he's bustin' his ass at work fourteen hours a day. We barely see each other anyway."

Dr. Lindstrom quirked an eyebrow, appearing almost amused. "Isn't he always 'nagging' you to talk about your feelings? Isn't that what you've told me for over a year now?"

"Well, yeah," Amanda mumbled.

"And haven't you also told me that when you put things out in the open, you tend to feel better more often than not?" he went on.

She cleared her throat and gave in to the desire to gnaw at her thumb nail. "I mighta said that, yeah."

* * *

Amanda spent Saturday afternoon out of the house, as she had been encouraged to. She went for a run, met a friend for coffee and completed errands - all without a child in tow. Sonny was working the evening shift at SVU, so she made a point to get back to Queens by six, but not before she stopped off at the New York Historical Society. It certainly wasn't a place Amanda frequented, but she had read about a United States Constitution exhibit there and wanted to buy tickets for Sonny.

As she walked through the front door, she was surprised to find Sonny at the stove cooking. "Hey." She shrugged off her jacket and hung it up. "What are you doing?"

"Makin' dinner," he replied easily.

She walked into the kitchen. "I thought you were going into the precinct?"

"I gave up the shift," Sonny explained as he moved to the sink to rinse off a bunch of spinach. "Some rookie was lookin' for the OT."

"Oh." Looking around, she noticed it was eerily quiet. The lights were down low and the television wasn't blaring. Nobody's toys were making any noises or blinking right under foot. It immediately made Amanda suspicious. "Where is everybody?"

"Well, actually..." He glanced over his shoulder with a smile. "My parents came and got the kids."

A rush of anxiety coursed through her. "Did you make sure to pack up all of Ruby's stuff? Jesse has these worksheets-"

Sonny wiped off his hands and walked over to her. "Everything is under control. Trust me," he urged her gently. He took her chin between his thumb and forefinger and kissed her. "I'm makin' pasta with spinach and ricotta. I've opened not one, but two, bottles of wine and we're gonna sit and have an adult conversation for more than five minutes."

Her eyes widened in genuine surprise. "Oh. Wow. That's... really nice, baby," she told him sincerely, a smile pulling at her mouth despite the unnecessary worry that had gripped her seconds earlier. She toyed with the buttons by the collar of his henley, then wrapped her arms around his torso in a hug. "I'm glad you're not going to work," she mumbled into the fabric of his shirt. She closed her eyes and appreciated how sturdy and familiar he felt, glad that for once there wasn't a child tugging at either of their legs for attention.

"Me too," he admitted, palms soothing up and down her back lazily. "I need a little break from bein' a cop."

Arms still around him, Amanda leaned back to peer up at Sonny. She arched a mischievous eyebrow. "I got you something."

Sonny looked confused. "Huh?"

One hand slid into the back pocket of her jeans to pull the tickets out, then she brandished them between their bodies. "I thought we could go together."

He took the tickets from her carefully and studied them. "You hate history," he sputtered once he realized exactly what they were. They were hardly expensive or difficult to come by, but Sonny looked like he had just won the lottery.

Amanda shrugged, then smirked. "Yeah, but... maybe I'm missing something. The constitution does have almost eight thousand words, y'know..."

"How the hell do you know that?" he chuckled, awestruck.

"I have no idea." Moving a few inches away, she reached for the open bottle of white wine on the island and poured some into a glass beside it. Taking a sip, she waggled her eyebrows provocatively at him as she leaned her back against the counter. "Maybe your knowledge of history is sexually transmitted."

He laughed and shook his head. "You're _really_ gonna go to this with me?"

"Yes!" Amanda insisted. She looked sheepishly down into her wine glass as she thought. "I'm just, well, I'm sorry I've been kind of a bummer lately. To be honest, after being in the hospital and everything, I've just felt sort of... down, I guess. Nervous. I can't explain it, but it's been different after Ruby than it was with the other two."

Furrowing his brow, Sonny took a step closer to her. He set the tickets on the island. "Nervous? About what?"

"I guess I just got so scared that something was gonna happen to me that now it just feels so... real. Like something could happen to any of us at any time. I've always known that, of course, but..." She shrugged and met Sonny's eyes briefly before shyly studying her wine again. "Y'all are the most important things in the world to me. I just can't seem to shake how scary it felt to be so close to losing it."

"'Manda..." Sonny reached out his hands and ran them slowly up and down her sides. "Why didn't you tell me before?"

"You've been doing so much. I didn't want to bother you... and I'm sorta embarrassed." She scrunched up her nose and gave her head a little shake. "Like I should be over it already, y'know? And I've been such a bitch to you 'cause I'm all wound up and it isn't fair." She sighed, her free hand rubbing at her forehead which was always sore and tense these days. "You always take care of us. I know I don't always say it, but it does mean a lot to me."

He grinned mischievously. "Wow, you _must_ be feelin' guilty if you're offering to go to a museum with me..."

Setting her wine glass down, she punched his arm. "I'm bein' serious! I didn't want you to think it was you."

Sonny flinched, laughed and shook his head. "Oh, I know it's not me," he assured her easily, as if she was totally overthinking the impact of her recent behavior.

Amanda pouted and crossed her arms over her chest. "This heart-to-heart doesn't feel as cathartic as I imagined it would..."

"No, no," he said quickly. "Thank you for talkin' to me. For tellin' me this stuff. It's just..." He offered her a boyish grin as he admitted, "I kinda figured it had something to do with the baby and gettin' sick, but you're sorta terrifying, so I didn't want to bring it up..."

"Aw, you're still scared of me?" Her blue eyes widened almost hopefully.

Sonny took a sip of her wine. "Yep."

Amanda beamed like she had just been crowned Miss America. "I feel _so_ much better."


	33. Chapter 33

**AN:** The first bit is smutty, since I have had multiple requests for this particular scene. ;-)

* * *

 _I woke up just in time / now I wake up by your side_

* * *

 **Two (ish) years earlier.**

The side of her head against the window, Amanda yawned. She hated when Sonny drove, mostly because being a passenger was boring. The five and a half hour journey back to the city from Rochester wasn't even scenic - it was all abandoned factories and long stretches of tree-lined roads. Two hours in, it was pitch black except the occasional glare of passing headlights in the opposite direction. Amanda was hoping to at least see a deer, but so far, no such luck.

Her eyes flickered downward when she felt Sonny's hand on her knee. She watched his fingers slowly creep up her thigh and a shiver of excitement rolled down her spine. Blue eyes narrow, she studied Sonny's profile: he was watching the road intently. "Don't start something you can't finish." Her tone was more seductive than threatening.

Even in the dark, Amanda saw a smirk cross his features. His palm paused, but his other hand flipped the blinker to veer the car toward an off-ramp very clearly marked _no service exit._ Suppressing a smile, she felt her heart begin to beat quicker in both surprise and anticipation. Off of the highway, everything was dark and desolate; it was clearly just a reprieve for tired drivers who needed a break. Sonny maneuvered the city-issued sedan off of the road onto the grass, just far enough away from any occasional traffic.

Putting the car in 'park,' he glanced over at her, and Amanda stared back. Simultaneously, they unbuckled their seat belts and flung open their respective doors just to pull open the two back ones. Their bodies met in the center of the backseat, a quick tangle of long limbs until she was straddling him and her face was trapped between his palms as he kissed her. The excitement of doing something they shouldn't and the force with which Sonny's mouth met hers took Amanda's breath away. His hands fell from her cheeks so he could blindly fumble with the button of her pants and she let out a little gasp of longing. His hips canted upward and she met them, both impatient in their search for stimulation.

"You look so hot today," he growled into her mouth.

"Just today?" Amanda breathed coyly. Maneuvering her fingers around his, she felt the cool metal of his belt buckle and unclasped it before she popped open his button. She shoved aside material just enough to free him from his boxers.

He groaned at the contact. "Every day."

The way he hardened beneath the teasing strokes of her hand was satisfying. If they had been anywhere other than the car, she would have taken her time with him until he was begging for it. An ache began to throb between her legs, knowing he would be inside of her soon. "Good answer."

Her touch was enough to prompt Sonny to begin to tug insistently at her clothes. In the dark, small space, it was a true test of flexibility to get her shoes, pants and underwear off without elbowing him in the face or kicking him in the crotch. Given the circumstances, there was no time for Amanda to undress at her leisure; her blouse remained on despite how warm she was getting. It was amazing how quickly desperation could start simmering in her blood when she was close to getting something she knew she shouldn't have - at least not at the side of the road on NYPD's time. She was barely out of her pants before Sonny was pulling her back to him, over him, her knees digging into the leather seats on either side of his thighs. Curled forward as not to slam her head against the roof of the car, Amanda pressed their foreheads together as she sunk down onto him.

"Yeah," he murmured approvingly as he grabbed her hips to encourage her movements. "You're all wet for me, huh? Couldn't even wait till we got home. You gonna show me how bad you want me?" he asked hotly, his tone gruff and provocative.

A shudder of arousal blossomed in the pit of her stomach at the sound of his voice. Her fingers hastily undid two buttons of the gauzy blouse she was wearing, revealing the beginnings of cleavage and nude lace, more to tease than anything. Even though it was a little confining, sometimes more clothing was sexier than none. "Mm, yes, baby," she whined, starting up the steady rhythm her body wanted. She wished she could have stretched upward, allowed his hands to feel her and his eyes to watch her, but there was still something incredibly sexy about knowing he had to have her right then and there. Having sex in a work vehicle was like a triumphant _fuck you_ to their colleagues and superiors who looked down their noses at their inter-office relationship. Her teeth sunk into her swollen lower lip. "I want you so bad."

It was fast out of necessity: she grabbed at the back of the seat for leverage and he met her thrusts beneath her. With all of the tinted windows closed, the glass became muggy quickly with the heat from their combined exertion. Vaguely aware that they were still technically in public, both of them kept their voices quiet as to not attract any attention from passing cars. Amanda loved the sensation of Sonny's hot breath in her ear, saying her name in the voice he saved for when they were alone this way. It made her feel desirable and special (yes, she still needed to feel special). Only once did her mind stray - _did I take my birth control today? Hell, did I take it yesterday?_ she wondered fleetingly - but Sonny's teeth against the soft flesh of her neck and chest distracted her wonderfully.

Sweaty, panting and spent, Amanda rested her sticky forehead against Sonny's. For a moment they both remained perfectly still, enjoying the aftershocks of their orgasms. He caught her mouth in a languid kiss, then the sound of something vibrating cut through the quiet. Sonny's phone was lodged between the seat by Amanda's knee and when he freed it, Liv's name shone brightly on the screen in the dark. He scrambled to pick it up.

"Hey, Lieu," he answered the call noticeably out of breath.

Amanda could have moved, but she didn't. Instead, she wriggled leisurely against him, her mouth trailing kisses against his jaw and neck while Sonny listened to whatever their lieutenant was saying. She paid special attention to his free ear: she nipped at the lobe before soothing the sting with her lips and tongue; Sonny twitched beneath her at the feeling. Insatiable and mischievous, her mind was reeling. "When we get home," she whispered huskily, giving her hips another slow, deliberate roll. "I want you to fuck me so hard I feel it in the morning."

Sonny exhaled shakily, a hand painfully tightening its grip against her ass and she wasn't sure if it was intended to be punishment or reward. "Oh, yeah, I'm fine," he promised Liv hastily, who had clearly sensed something was off. "Just tired. Yep. Okay. Copy that." When he hung up, he tossed his phone aside and looked pointedly at Amanda, very clearly pretending to be exasperated by her antics.

A smirk spread honey-slow across her features. "Hey, you started it."

* * *

Amanda dropped her bare feet into Sonny's lap with a flourish. She wriggled her toes - painted hot pink - expectantly.

"Can I help you?" Sonny asked her with a quirked eyebrow, turning his attention away from the living room television.

With a dramatic yawn, she stretched her body out in either direction like a cat before relaxing closer to him on the couch. "My feet hurt."

He gave her a look. "You'll live."

"Could you rub them?" Amanda asked sweetly.

"Are you serious?" Sonny chuckled.

"Come on, I rub your back all the time." She lifted a foot and waved it in front of his face. "Please?"

Sonny sighed, but eventually wrapped strong palms around one of her feet. She grinned, victorious, and snuggled in close to his side. The side of her head resting against the back of the couch, she watched Ruby in her swing, who had been lulled asleep by the gentle movement. Both Jesse and Luca were already in bed, and while the baby should have been in her crib, neither Amanda nor Sonny was foolish enough to disturb her when she was so peaceful.

Amanda toyed with Sonny's hair, her fingers grazing over the strands at his temples absently. "Audrey said she can babysit tomorrow, for the Knicks game."

He ran a firm thumb up her arch and appeared skeptical. "Is she sure this is where she wants to spend her Saturday night?"

"She and her boyfriend broke up," she explained." She said she'd rather be with the kids than sittin' around at home."

"Oh. Well, in that case... happy to be of service," he concluded easily.

She closed her eyes and enjoyed the sensation of his hands working tired muscles and joints. Curling in closer, she nuzzled her face into his shoulder affectionately. He smelled like soap from the shower he had taken after work and his t-shirt was soft from years of wear; little details that signified _home_ to Amanda. "You're good at this," she murmured.

They were both surprised when the doorbell rang, then they simultaneously cringed in anticipation of Ruby waking up from the sudden sound. She remained quiet, however, barely even fidgeting beneath her blanket. Sonny hauled himself to his feet to answer the door while Amanda waited curiously on the couch.

"Tommy. Hey, come in," Sonny exclaimed once he saw who was on the front step.

"Sorry to just drop in on you," Tommy said, entering the living room. His eyes flitted to Ruby in her swing, then back to Sonny. "But I was in the neighborhood after work and..."

"Everything okay?" Amanda asked Tommy while Sonny shut the door.

"Yeah, everything's good. I just wanted to talk to you. Well, Sonny. The both of you. But, Sonny," Tommy babbled nervously.

Sonny quirked an eyebrow and sat back down next to Amanda. "Okay..." He muted the television in preparation.

Tommy dropped into a near-by arm chair. "I already talked to your pops but, ah, I wanted to ask you..."

"What, you need a kidney or something?" Sonny joked, relaxing into the sofa, long arms stretched across the back of it lazily.

"No. I mean, I don't think so." Tommy appeared something between hopeful and terrified as he looked intently at Sonny. "But I wanted to ask Bella to marry me."

The moment of silence that followed was painful. Amanda's eyes widened, but she said nothing, knowing her opinion wasn't really relevant. She eyed Sonny's strong profile: he appeared genuinely shocked.

"I finally saved enough to get her a ring," Tommy went on eagerly.

"What'd my dad say?" Sonny finally spoke.

"He said 'okay.'" Tommy added hurriedly, "but, y'know. You mean a lot to Bella-"

"She means a lot to me," he interrupted curtly.

"I know." He nodded furiously. "So, I thought maybe I'd run it by you, too..."

"That's real sweet," Amanda interjected gently. Tommy looked positively tortured with anxiety and she wanted to save him even an iota of agony. "Isn't it, Sonny?"

"Yeah, real sweet," Sonny repeated flatly.

"So...?" Tommy squeaked.

"Well, uh, I mean..." Sonny ran a hand through his mass of hair.

A flicker of fear took over Tommy's features as he most likely considered the possibility that Sonny would voice his disapproval. Amanda subtly knocked her knee against Sonny's, hoping to coax him into saying something.

"Sure, yeah. Go ahead," Sonny finally concluded.

It was hardly the most enthusiastic response, but Tommy appeared elated anyway.

* * *

"Amanda?"

Amanda's eyes fluttered open. She had been feeding the baby one last time from the big arm chair in the nursery when she heard Sonny's voice from the doorway. The comfortable seat combined with the late hour and Ruby's warm weight in the crook of her arm had her drowsy, but she managed to blink Sonny into focus anyway. "Hm?"

He looked uneasy as he crossed his arms over his chest and perched himself on the oversized arm of Amanda's chair. "I don't know about Bella gettin' married."

She rolled her eyes. "Oh, please, Sonny."

"I'm just sayin'," he went on. "Tommy's kind of..."

"He's fine. He does the best he can. He loves your sister and the kids."

"Yeah, but, he's still got legal stuff, he's been workin' at the same moving company he-"

"Congratulations, you officially sound like your father," she snorted crassly.

Sonny scowled. "Y'know, for somebody who's been goin' to a shrink for awhile, I woulda thought you'd learn to be a little more _therapeutic_."

She sighed and looked down at the baby, who was now asleep with the bottle in her mouth. She removed it slowly and set it aside. "Go on."

"They've broken up and gotten back together like, ten times."

Amanda settled Ruby against her shoulder and patted her back gently. The infant whimpered and hiccuped. "Tommy was drinking then."

"Bella is very... well, she doesn't think stuff through..."

"They've been doing this for years, Sonny." Standing up, she carefully passed Ruby to him so she could have free hands to fuss with the bedding in her crib. "Somehow they always work it out. And if they don't work it out, that'll suck, but aren't you always tellin' me to let people make their own choices? This is no different. They're two decent people who-"

She paused when she turned around to see Sonny cradling Ruby, a gentle knuckle grazing over the baby's soft cheek as he gazed down at her lovingly. Amanda felt her heart swell in her chest. She took a few steps to stand in front of him and set a hand on his shoulder. When he looked up, she smiled. "You're a good brother. Nobody's ever gonna be good enough for any of your sisters. Or your daughters, probably. I love that about you, because I know it's because you only ever want the best for the people you care about." Leaning in, she cupped Sonny's cheek with her palm. "But I think you did the right thing. It'll mean a lot to Bella to know you trusted her enough to make this decision."

Tilting his chin, he kissed her. "Y'think?"

"I've been tryin' to make Kim's decisions for years and look how well that worked out," she reminded him sarcastically.

* * *

Sonny liked making dinner. He found it relaxing, despite the relative chaos in their household lately. Watching Amanda attempt to cook was equal parts torturous and entertaining, although even with her competitive nature, she rarely ever attempted it. This was most likely due to the squabble that always erupted when Sonny couldn't bite his tongue and _not_ critique the way she chopped up garlic like she was millimeters away from amputating a finger or how she always managed to cook chicken in such a manner that it ended up tasting like wood. She was much better at drinking and eating.

That night, he minced parsley on the cutting board at the kitchen island for shrimp scampi. He could hear Luca watching _PAW Patrol_ in the adjoining living room, so mesmerized by the cartoon that he was actually silent. When Sonny heard little footsteps scamper into the kitchen, he looked up to see Jesse followed by the ever-curious Frannie.

"Can I have somebody over?" she asked. "It's not a school night."

"Sure," he agreed.

"Can they sleep over?" Jesse went on.

Sonny added the parsley and garlic into the pan he had ready on the stove. "Yeah, as long as you don't turn the whole house upside down."

"We won't!" she promised.

"Which friend is this?"

"My boyfriend."

He stopped what he was doing and quirked an eyebrow, certain he had misheard. "Excuse me?"

"My boyfriend," Jesse repeated. "His name is Jamie."

"You do not have a boyfriend," Sonny chuckled.

"Yes I do."

"You're in kindergarten."

"We hold hands and sit together every day."

He stared at the little girl, and she stared back. "Hey, Amanda?" Sonny called nervously.

"What?" Amanda appeared, reading something on her phone.

"Jesse has a boyfriend," he informed her.

To Sonny's horror, Amanda smiled as she looked up. "Oh, that's sweet."

"Absolutely not," he blurted. "No. He can't sleep over."

"But you just said!" Jesse whined.

"I take it back," Sonny told her.

" _Not fair!_ " she shouted, stamping her foot.

"Hold up, everybody just calm down a second," Amanda interrupted.

"There's not gonna be any guys sleepin' over this house," he declared with a definitive wave of his spatula. "Not now, not ever."

"They are six years old, Sonny," Amanda laughed, as if he was being ridiculous.

"I don't care how old they are," he exclaimed. "You think it matters? Have you not been investigatin' sex crimes for the majority of your career?"

"What are sex crimes?" Jesse wondered. "What's that?"

"Nothing," her mother said hastily before turning back to Sonny. "If she wants to have a little friend stay over, I don't think it's that big of a deal."

Setting down the spatula, he rested his palms on the island and leaned in. "Look, Jesse," he said steadily, eyeing the little girl. "Boys and girls do not have sleepovers."

Jesse pouted. "You have a sleepover with mom every day!"

"That's different," he insisted. "We're married and very old."

"Excuse me? Speak for yourself," Amanda scoffed.

The kindergartener crossed her arms over her chest. "Jamie and I are getting married. That's what boyfriends and girlfriends do."

He shook his head. "Nope."

" _Mama!_ " Jesse shrieked, arms and legs giving a dramatic flail.

"What if Jamie sleeps in Luca's room?" Amanda suggested. "In the trundle bed? I think that's a good compromise."

"We wanted to make a b-blanket fort," Jesse moaned, face red with emotion as she was on the brink of tears. "And tell ghost stories with the, with the big flashlight!"

"You can still do that," she assured her daughter gently.

All Sonny could do was roll his eyes.

* * *

"You totally undermined me."

At the sound of her husband's voice, Amanda paused halfway through pulling her shirt over her head. Her fingertips released the hem as she looked at Sonny, momentarily confused. She watched him stalk around their room, getting ready for bed, but his forehead was creased and his lips were turned down in a frown. It only took another minute for her to understand why he was pissed off.

"No, I did not," she responded slowly. "I disagreed."

"You disagreed and did what you wanted to do," Sonny retorted.

She rolled her eyes and yanked her shirt over her head. "This is dumb," she mumbled, because she really thought it was.

"It's not dumb," he insisted. "I don't want boys sleepin' over."

"You're fixin' to start an argument over a kindergartener," Amanda scoffed, rummaging around the top drawer of their dresser for a comfortable t-shirt. "He's a sweet little boy. What do you want me to do? Go across the hall, yank him from the bed and send him home?"

"No," Sonny told her curtly. His tone softened as he added, "it's just, she's my kid, isn't she?"

Her fingers froze, surprised by his question. They rarely explicitly discussed Jesse's parentage, mostly because for the longest time, Sonny had been a father to her. It was legal now and nothing had changed, but Amanda wondered if sometimes Sonny still worried that it wasn't enough. Frowning, Amanda turned around. "Of course she is."

Sonny appeared sullen as he stared at her. "Then I want to be able to have a say in what she's doin'. Or not doin'. Or... whatever."

She felt a twinge of guilt; what he was telling her wasn't necessarily untrue. Amanda tended to make decisions quickly and impulsively - then consult Sonny later when it all went to hell. She was independent to a fault, except parenting was something best tackled as a partnership. Amanda supposed she felt a special sort of protectiveness over Jesse in particular; she was the baby she never knew she wanted, the child that had taught her so many important things about herself. But in many similar ways, Jesse had changed Sonny's life, too, long before he had ever adopted her. Crossing her arms over her chest, Amanda sighed. "You're right."

His eyes widened in obvious confusion. "Huh?"

"I said 'you're right,'" she repeated. As much as it pained her, she added, "I'm sorry."

Blinking quickly in surprise, Sonny appeared to relax. "Oh. Wow. Okay."

"I mean, don't get me wrong, I still think you're being kinda ridiculous," Amanda assured him, unable to resist holding on to a bit of her self-righteousness. "But I should have talked about it with you before telling Jesse it was okay."

Sonny nodded, pacified by her apology, and sunk down on the edge of the bed. "It freaks me out."

Plucking a shirt from the dresser, Amanda freed herself from her bra and tugged it over her head. "What does?" she asked when her head popped through the collar. Reaching for her brush, she ran it through her hair while she studied Sonny.

"Knowing all the shit kids do to one another. Or adults do to them," he explained grimly. "She's the age we always see it happening, 'cause they are impressionable and curious and wantin' approval... I just... she's always been a baby to me and it felt easier to protect her then."

"Sonny... I'm sure as hell not naive to what's out there, but we can't keep her in a bubble," Amanda sighed. "Or any of them."

"I know that. Of course I know that," he insisted. "It's just easier in theory than it is in practice."

"No daughter of mine is gonna be a shrinking violet. She's gonna learn to take care of herself," she declared firmly, setting her brush down and pulling the gold studs out of her ears. "Until then, she's got you. If you wanna start cleanin' your gun every time a boy comes over, go right ahead, but we at least have to give her a chance to socialize with her peers."

He grumbled, "can't she socialize with girls?"

"She does. Look, if this was Luca who had a little girlfriend, you'd be high-fiving him - and don't tell me that isn't the truth," she challenged him bluntly.

Sonny glowered wordlessly.

"You've got no idea what it's like to be a girl in the middle of all these double-standards," Amanda went on. "Both Jesse and Ruby are gonna get enough of that outside of here, I don't want it happening at home."

He put both of his hands up in surrender. "Alright, alright. I'm not tryin' to keep the playing field uneven. I just want her to be safe."

Amanda frowned; she believed him. "I know it's hard to put aside all the crap we see at work. I think about it all the time," she admitted. She sat down next to him on the edge of the bed. "Sometimes I want to talk to Liv about it, but she's... she isn't always very open about bein' a mom with me. I have to wonder if that's on purpose, y'know? Like she's really trying hard to keep both worlds separate."

He shrugged. "Yeah, probably. She's always been really private, though."

Studying his profile in silence, a small smile tugged at her lips. He had always worn his heart on his sleeve, but sometimes Amanda forgot to appreciate how rare and wonderful that really was. Turning toward him, she wrapped her arms around Sonny in a sideways hug. Chin on his shoulder as she squeezed, she murmured in amazement, "you're so good. Please don't ever stop being so good."

* * *

 **Another AN:** I don't think Tommy and Bella were married during "Parole Violations" but if they were _that's too dang bad_ this series is already so off the rails who cares!


	34. Chapter 34

**AN:** There is the teeniest tiniest touch of barson in this.

* * *

 _follow me when it's dark out / I will be your lighthouse_

* * *

 **One year earlier.**

Sitting in his high chair in the Carisi dining room, one-year-old Luca was covered in homemade yellow cake and chocolate frosting. Sonny's mother had helped Amanda throw a dinosaur-themed birthday party for the now-toddler and the Staten Island home was filled with people who had come to celebrate. There was no way Amanda and Sonny could have hosted such an event in their tiny, Long Island City apartment and Amanda had wanted to give Luca something special for his first birthday. She could always count on Mrs. Carisi to go above and beyond for the people she loved - and especially for her only male grandchild.

Amanda watched everyone crowd around Luca, enamored by the way the little boy gleefully smashed cake around his tray and clumsily shoved it into his mouth. Sonny was armed with his Canon camera; there had to be a hundred pictures taken already that afternoon. Jesse sat between Noah and Angelina at the table, all of them eagerly digging into their plates and tittering excitedly amongst each other. The rest of the room was occupied by adults - even Fin's son, Kenny, and his husband Alejandro came with their young son in tow. For the years Amanda was alone in New York, Fin's family had been hers, too, and she was still appreciative of the part they played in her life.

She nursed her beer as she surveyed the bustling dining room. Liv appeared at her side; she looked relaxed outside of the SVU environment.

"Thanks for coming," Amanda said to her lieutenant. "I know Staten Island isn't the most convenient."

"Wouldn't miss it. Noah loved the ferry," Liv smiled. She looked around the busy room. "Sonny's family is so kind."

"Tell me about it. Nobody ever made me a birthday cake or threw me a themed party," she quipped sarcastically.

"Me neither," Liv agreed.

Amanda watched Dominick Sr. adjust Luca's colorful birthday hat, straightening it gently atop the little boy's round head. She felt a pull at her heart at how simple but sweet the gesture was. Every time she witnessed how cared for her children were, Amanda was flooded with gratitude. She glanced over at Liv, who was still smiling, but her eyes looked almost sad. It made Amanda think: even despite the joy Noah brought her, maybe Liv was lonely. While Amanda had somehow found herself in the middle of a family that was large both in quantity and in heart, Liv only had her son. The role the squad played in both of their lives was huge, but she had to wonder, did her lieutenant ever long for more?

She wasn't bold enough to bring up such a loaded topic now, so she filed it away at the back of her mind. Maybe one day Liv would open up to her enough to let her know how she was feeling herself. If they had anything in common, it was that they were both two very guarded women. Amanda understood her lieutenant's pension for privacy, but she still quietly hoped that one day the two of them could be closer. She didn't have many female friends in New York City - mostly because NYPD consisted of more men than women and that's who she did all of her socializing with - so she would appreciate the opportunity to have Liv as a confidant. Their relationship had been rocky for years, but Amanda had been working like hell to try to redeem herself.

"But that's the idea, right?" she eventually mused, gaze flickering back to Liv. "To give your kid something better than what you had?"

Liv nodded, then offered her a knowing grin. "You're doing a good job of that."

She felt a flush creep up her neck, suddenly sheepish. "I'm tryin'."

* * *

In the hallway outside of Liv's apartment, Amanda was about to knock when the door opened in front of her instead. She expected to see her lieutenant, but it was Rafael Barba who stood before her. Dressed casually in jeans and a navy sweater, his jacket slung over his arm, he clearly hadn't come from court or the office. Her blue eyes widened in surprise and the ADA looked uncomfortable for barely a split-second before his features turned stony and cool.

"Barba," she greeted him.

He gave a little nod of acknowledgment. "Rollins."

Amanda tried to suppress a grin. "Uh..."

"I'm just leaving," he told her, as if it wasn't obvious.

"Right..."

Barba slipped past her out of the doorway. Glancing over her shoulder, she watched him walk briskly down the hallway toward the elevator. Eyebrows raised with her piqued interest, Amanda walked cautiously into Liv's apartment to find her lieutenant at the stove in her kitchen, putting the kettle on. When she turned around, she seemed surprised to see one of her detectives in the middle of her living room.

"I'm just running these up to you for Sonny," Amanda explained hastily, giving the manila folder in her hand a wave. "He's downstairs in the car but said you left them on the seat during his shift earlier..."

Liv's expression softened. "Oh, yeah. Thanks, Rollins," she said, walking toward her.

The sound of quick little footsteps preceded Noah, who emerged from his bedroom with an armful of action figures. "Hi, Auntie 'Manda," he greeted her cheerfully.

Amanda grinned; he was a sweet little boy. "Hey, buddy. How's it goin'?"

"Good." Noah peered around her curiously. "Is Jesse here?"

"Oh, no, she's at home. Maybe this weekend we can all go to the park with Frannie, though," she offered.

He dropped his toys on the coffee table and nodded. "Yeah!"

Looking back over at Liv, Amanda quirked her eyebrows. "So... Barba was here."

"Yes," she responded simply.

She slid her hands into the back pockets of her jeans and rocked back and forth on the heels of her boots. "Were you guys like..."

Liv thumbed through the contents of the folder Amanda had brought, but peered up at her as if she had six heads.

" _You know_..." Amanda prompted her with a provocative grin.

"No, I don't know." Liv's tone was curt; she wasn't smiling.

 _Well, this is awkward,_ Amanda thought to herself. _So much for a little girl talk._ She raked a hand through her wavy hair. "Well, I should get goin'," she blurted. "We've got Knicks tickets, so..."

"Have fun," her lieutenant said coolly.

"Thanks." She gave the little boy a little wave. "See ya, Noah."

"Bye!" Noah chirped.

Back outside, Amanda clambered into the passengers' seat of the waiting car. "Guess what?"

Sonny pulled away from the curb once she was safely inside. "What?"

"I just caught Barba leaving Liv's apartment," she breathed excitedly.

He raised an eyebrow. "Okay."

"They were looking very casual."

"Like, not in work clothes?"

She rolled her eyes. "God, Sonny, no! I mean, yes, but I think they're like... seein' one another."

"Oh..." Sonny shook his head and held up a hand. "I don't wanna know about it."

"I do. God knows they both need to get laid," she mumbled.

"Amanda!" he exclaimed, grimacing. "Jeez, please, don't..."

"What?" she asked innocently. "It's not like I'm talking about your parents banging-"

His face screwed up in disgust. "Agh, stop!"

Amanda smirked. "You're such a prude sometimes."

* * *

Luca scooped up a handful of bubbles as he sat in the bath. "Eat this?"

"No, we do not eat bubbles," Amanda responded from her spot on the bathroom floor, equal parts exasperated and amused. She pushed her bangs away from her face with the back of her hand. "I know your daddy tells you different, but not everything is a meal."

The toddler resumed splashing contently, his colorful toys floating around him in the warm water. Knees up to her chest, Amanda leaned her back against the wall as she watched Luca play. She yawned before she allowed her eyes to close briefly; she didn't know if it was more tiring staying at home on maternity leave with three kids or going to work. She was leaning toward the former, although finally, for the moment, everything was relatively quiet. She could hear Jesse watching television in she and Sonny's room across the hall, most likely tucked into their bed like it was her own. Ruby was asleep in her crib after a bottle.

Her phone buzzed on the tile floor and she opened her eyes. Sonny was calling her.

"Hey," Amanda greeted him, cradling the device between her ear and her shoulder.

"Hey." There was rustling, then Sonny sighed, "I'm gonna be here for awhile."

"What's goin' on?" she asked curiously.

"An inmate escaped from Sing Sing. Some guy named Antonio Morales, he's got like, three charges of violent sexual assault against a kid and has a history of stealin' a buncha firearms from Westside Rifle."

Amanda cringed. "That's not good."

"And get this: he climbed a basketball hoop to reach the roof, cut through the fence up there and then climbed through a buncha razor wire."

"Didn't anybody notice?"

"Yeah, like two hours later. You know those C.O.'s can be lazy as hell. So they want everybody on it. We're gettin' debriefed by the brass soon."

"Oh, man. I miss everything!" she moaned, oddly envious of the excitement. "Couldn't this have happened in two weeks?"

"Yeah, yeah," Sonny grumbled. He yawned. "What's everybody doin'?"

"Jesse's watching television before bed. I'm givin' Luca a bath... he's covered in peanut butter, it's even in his hair. But it's all he'd eat for dinner: waffles with peanut butter." Her eyes flickered to the baby monitor on the counter. "Baby's sleeping."

"I wish I was home with you guys," he murmured, obviously not wanting to be overheard by the busy squad room.

"Y'think you'll still be able to get off at eleven?" Amanda wondered.

"Eh, depends on what happens with this guy... doubtful."

She frowned and picked at one of the intentional holes in the knee of her jeans. "Will you call me later?"

"'Course. Kiss the kids goodnight for me?"

"I will," she promised. "Y'all be safe, okay?"

"We will. Love ya."

"Love you."

* * *

Amanda fell asleep on the couch with the television on. Her eyes flew open at a familiar sound: Chief Dodds' voice filling her living room. Yawning, she sat up, her gaze focusing on the screen. The Chief was speaking into multiple microphones in front of a section of highway quadruped off by yellow police tape. It was dark except the bright camera lights and the red and blue flashes from parked squad cars. _Escaped inmate shot by police after high-speed chase_ , read the headline scrolling below him.

" _NYPD officers spotted a white Ford F150 driving 'erratically' in the city and attempted to pull the driver over_ ," Dodds explained. " _The truck stopped, but when the officer got out of his car, the driver - believed to be Antonio Morales - took off. The truck swerved, made illegal turns, and sped past stop signs evading the police. They were going so fast that they were endangering their lives and the lives of others._ "

The camera cut away from the Chief and shifted back to a newswoman. " _The chase ended in front of the Queens-Midtown Tunnel._ _Officers converged, guns drawn, on the white pickup truck,_ " the female announcer said. " _After his path was blocked by squad cars, Morales shot two times out of the passenger side window, prompting at least six officers to fire upon the truck at close range. Two officers and one bystander were critically injured by the gunfire. Morales is said to be dead._ "

A jolt of anxiety gripped Amanda's stomach. _Sonny never called me_ , she realized. She scrambled for her phone between the couch cushions and quickly pressed Sonny's name in her contact list. It rang several times before his voicemail picked up: _hi, you've reached Dominick Carisi Jr., please leave..._ She hung up before the familiar message ended and dialed him two more times with no success.

 _What's going on?_ she texted him.

She stared down at the screen, waiting for his reply. After ten minutes passed, her anxiety had mounted, and she called him again. This time, she left him a voicemail: "Sonny, ugh. Pick up your phone. Call me, please?" Then she texted Fin, even though he was notorious for not answering messages. Lastly, as she wandered around the living room nervously, she dialed Liv.

"Liv? Uh, hi," she said awkwardly into the lieutenant's voicemail. "Hey. Not tryin' to be a crazy person but uh, I was just watching the news and I saw what happened and I just wanna make sure... everybody's okay... call me back?"

For fifteen minutes, Amanda's phone remained silent. She gnawed at her thumb nail as her mind reeled. She probably didn't need to be so worried; she did have the tendency to overreact lately. Her eyes flickered to the television screen as the news covered the same vague facts over and over again amidst flashing lights and distant shots of the accident scene. The media would never be allowed to get close enough to see the details, so no matter how intently Amanda watched, the television still wouldn't help her. If she could just get a little reassurance...

Stopping in front of the television, she thumbed through her contacts again to call dispatch.

"Communications," a woman's voice answered.

"This is Sergeant Rollins." Amanda's voice was higher-pitched than usual as she resumed pacing. "I'm calling about the 444 by the Queens-Midtown tunnel. Who was injured?"

"I can't release names, ma'am," the woman replied smoothly.

"Okay, but, this is Amanda Rollins from the 16th precinct," she reiterated. "Badge number 0458. I'm out on maternity leave but-"

"I still can't release names," the dispatcher interrupted.

"This is, this is crazy," she sputtered, pressing her free palm to her forehead. "I'm a police officer. So is my husband. He was working tonight. I'm just trying to find out if he's okay."

"It's against protocol," the woman responded.

"Don't tell me about protocol," Amanda spat angrily, her fear fueling her anger. "While you've been sittin' behind a computer screen we've been out there puttin' our asses on the line to keep you safe at your little desk."

She hung up and threw her phone back on the couch. Frannie hovered by her feet, sensing her owner's distress, as Amanda stalked into the kitchen for a change of scenery. Crossing her arms tightly over her chest, she leaned her back against the counter. She had spent the past three months frustrated that she was left out of the loop with everything going on at work, but now her lack of knowledge scared her. What were the odds that something had happened to Sonny? What would she do if he wasn't okay?

Amanda had never played this role before. She had been a concerned colleague and girlfriend, but never a terrified wife and mother. Now, it was as if she had forgotten all of her police training and cool logic. All she could think about was the man she loved so much and how far away she felt from him. There were so many horrible possibilities: what if he was hurt so badly that his career was over? Or he could never walk again?

What if he was _dead?_

How could she go on living her life without him? And the kids - they needed him so badly. She could never raise them on her own; she could never make up for his loss. Amanda may have loved her job, but her family was the real center of her universe. Without Sonny, she truly didn't know how she could ever feel whole again.

Back in the living room, she looked at her phone. There wasn't a single notification even though an hour had passed. Chewing on her lower lip, Amanda was officially despondent, unable to think beyond the grim catastrophes she had so easily concocted. Everybody always had their phones on them; only something awful would prevent them from replying to her. Were Liv and Fin okay, or had one of them been the officers hurt? Were they avoiding her, trying to figure out how to give her devastating news about her husband? If something happened to Sonny, Amanda would have to quit SVU. She would never be able to walk into the squad room again. It would be as if she had died, too.

Every bone in her body was aching to leave the house and drive down to the scene or the precinct, but Amanda had three sleeping children to consider. She couldn't take matters into her own hands without upsetting them all...

The sound of the lock on the front door clicking stopped both Amanda's racing mind and heart. When it swung open, Sonny appeared, still wearing his NYPD jacket with his badge hanging lopsided from a pocket. He looked worn down, lines of obvious stress and concern etched onto his face, but he was seemingly unhurt.

"Sonny!" she cried. Dropping her phone carelessly, she ran to him and flung her arms around him the instant the door shut behind him. She screwed her eyes closed as she held on to his lean, sturdy torso.

Sonny wrapped his arms around her shorter frame and held her tightly. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry I didn't call," he breathed into the top of her head, squeezing her closer. "It was so crazy, it was a total mess. I knew you'd be watchin' the news and gettin' worried."

"I'm so glad you're okay," she whispered into his shoulder, voice hitching with emotion.

He kissed her hair. "I'm alright," he promised her quietly.

Amanda couldn't seem to make herself let go of him. She was clinging to his body shamelessly. "What happened? Who got hit?"

"Jenkins from ESU took a bullet in the knee," Sonny explained. "But... y'know that rookie, Murray? From Jersey, barely thirty years old?"

"Yeah. He was really involved with the Baby Doe case," Amanda recalled. "Or he wanted to be, at least."

"He was too eager. He got too close and Morales panicked. Bullet grazed his neck," he told her grimly. "He was bleedin' everywhere. It must've hit an artery. I don't think he's gonna..." Sonny trailed off, seemingly unable to finish his sentence.

"Damn," she said softly.

"Yeah."

"Everybody else?"

"Liv and Fin are okay."

Slowly, Amanda pulled away just slightly, keeping her arms around Sonny. She looked up at him, at his blue eyes and his strong brow and the dimples in his cheeks. She felt badly for the two officers and the innocent bystander who had gotten injured, but God, was she so immensely grateful that it hadn't been Sonny. Tears pricked her eyes, which she found slightly embarrassing, and she used shaky knuckles to try to quickly brush them away. She sucked her lower lip into her mouth and bit down.

"Hey, don't be upset," he urged her gently. She felt his fingers curl at her lower back. "It's okay."

"I know it's okay, I know," she croaked unconvincingly. Exhaling audibly, she toyed with the zipper of his jacket. "D'you... you wanna drink or something?"

Sonny shook his head. "I'd rather just look in on the kids and lie down. Comin' with me?"

Amanda followed him through the house and upstairs. Sonny poked his head into Luca's room first: the toddler was sound asleep, his thumb in his mouth, the same arm wound tightly around his favorite stuffed dog. Next, Ruby was found to be resting just as peacefully in her crib across the hall. Lastly was Jesse's room, where Sonny carefully opened the door to find the little girl tucked into her bed. Her eyes fluttered open at the sliver of warm light that poured in from the hallway.

"Daddy," Jesse called sleepily.

"Hey, you. Sorry I woke you up. I just came to say goodnight," Sonny explained, voice quiet.

"I was awake. Waiting for you," she murmured, although clearly that was not the case. She scrunched up her nose. "You still have your policeman stuff on."

Sonny looked down at his jacket and badge. "Oh, yeah. That's 'cause I ran right home to say goodnight to you." He perched himself on the edge of her bed. "You gotta get some rest. You've got t-ball in the mornin'."

Without moving from beneath the sheets, Jesse held her arms out expectantly for a hug.

Smiling, he leaned in and embraced her. "Love you, kiddo."

"Love you, too," she yawned.

Sonny adjusted Jesse's stuffed animal, Bunny, against her side before getting up and slipping out the door with Amanda. The two of them walked across the hallway to their bedroom and shut themselves inside. Sonny began to shed layers, muttering that he was going to take a shower before disappearing into the bathroom. Amanda flopped onto her back onto the bed and exhaled, her muscles relaxing into the mattress. Listening to the water running, she closed her eyes before covering them with her hands. The hour of unbridled panic she had just stirred up within herself had drained her of energy. How was it possible to feel so profoundly terrified by only the possibilities she had conjured in her own head? Maybe it was because her fears hadn't been so far-fetched - the work she and Sonny did _was_ dangerous. It always had been, though. Amanda would be a liar if she said part of the allure of being a cop wasn't the adrenaline rush. It made her wonder: maybe the struggle of wrestling with her identity - was she a bold detective or a married mother? - was over. Maybe she was finally just the right amount of both, and that meant she would inevitably feel things from both perspectives.

Dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt, warm and damp from his shower, Sonny eventually crawled onto the bed with her. He stretched out half on top of her, distributing his weight between her frame and the mattress, his nose nudging against her temple. His sturdiness and the rhythm of his breathing was reassuring.

"You really scared me," Amanda whispered to the ceiling.

"You're not scared of anything," Sonny mumbled, a teasing lilt in his voice.

Her lips twitched in a smile. "I am."

The arm laying across her abdomen bent and his hand toyed with strands of blonde hair at the side of her head. "I shoulda called," he said. "I'm sorry."

"No, it's not that. It's just... I made up all this stuff in my head." Amanda scrunched her nose. "All this awful stuff..."

Sonny shifted closer, nuzzling his face into the crook of her neck. "You do have a very vivid imagination," he murmured mischievously. He kissed the spot just below her ear once, twice. "I've always loved that about you..."

"Sonny, c'mon," she giggled quietly, wriggling at the sensation before swatting his arm. "I'm bein' serious."

He sighed. "You were really freaked out, huh?"

"I was."

"I'd go crazy sittin' behind a desk."

"I don't want you to sit behind a desk. _I_ don't want to sit behind a desk."

After a minute of quiet, Sonny concluded, "I know what you're sayin'."

Amanda turned her head slightly, curious. "What am I saying?"

Weight on his forearm, he lifted himself up slightly to kiss her. When he pulled away, he looked serious as he studied her. His other hand smoothed over her head, gently pushing her bangs away from her face. "You're sayin' that there's a lot at stake for us now."

"Yeah," she agreed softly. "That's what I'm saying."

Sonny nodded thoughtfully, but he didn't respond. He settled himself back down, head resting against her chest, one long leg between hers. Amanda's fingers toyed with his damp hair in silence. They stayed like that for awhile.


	35. Chapter 35

**AN:** There's... all sortsa stuff in here.

* * *

 _I used to run at first sight of the sun / now I lay here waiting for you to wake up_

* * *

 **Four-ish years earlier.**

" _Maaaamaaaa._ "

Jesse's moans were just loud enough to rouse Amanda. She blinked the room into focus and rolled over: Sonny was snoring contently beside her, cheek against one of her pillows, long limbs akimbo. He had only recently begun to sleep over regularly, instead of either of them stealing a few hours at the other's apartment, but he certainly seemed comfortable enough. Amanda shifted from beneath the sheets as carefully as possible before tip-toeing across the floor to the hallway. Dressed only in an over-sized NYPD t-shirt and bleary-eyed from hours of rest, she opened up the door to her daughter's room.

"What's the matter-" Amanda froze in the doorway at the sight of Jesse in her bed, covered in vomit. The toddler looked so frightened and pathetic, sitting in a tangle of messy blankets, her hair sticking up in five different directions. Even in the dim glow of the night light, she could see Jesse's cheeks were streaked with tears. "Oh, Jesse..." she groaned.

"I throwed up," Jesse sniffed, as if it was not obvious.

She rubbed her forehead and sighed as she contemplated the best plan of action. "Oh, lord..."

"Mamaaaa," the toddler whined.

"Okay, okay." Amanda rushed to the side of the bed to begin to pluck Jesse from her mess.

"'Manda? What's goin' on?" came Sonny's voice from the hallway.

She paused, immediately horrified. "Sonny, don't come in here," she ordered nervously.

"Why not?" he asked curiously.

Gingerly, she gathered Jesse up into her arms. "Jesse threw up."

Sonny poked his head in the doorway. His hair was just as disheveled as Jesse's. "Oh, that's all?"

Amanda was weirdly embarrassed. It wasn't as if her daughter getting sick was her fault, or something all that out of the ordinary, but it wasn't exactly the most attractive scenario to walk in on when you were dating somebody. There was absolutely nothing cute or sexy about a toddler covered in puke. Despite Amanda's cover of confidence and independence, she wanted Sonny to want her, to enjoy being a part of her life. She was not like the women he went to law school with, who were only tethered to their studies. She was a mother, and that was a role that was more challenging and time-consuming than anything. Sometimes it was soft and sweet, but other times it was frustrating and, frankly, gross. Either way, it was a lot, and she held on to a lingering fear that one day Sonny would not be willing or able to cope.

"Alright, Jesse. Let's get you in the bath, huh?" Amanda suggested gently, essentially ignoring Sonny as she slipped past him to the bathroom. She shut the door behind her and exhaled audibly, shifting her focus from her own anxieties to her ill daughter. "How's your tummy now?" she asked Jesse, setting her carefully on the tile floor.

"Okay," the little girl mumbled, then hiccuped.

Amanda pressed the back of her hand to Jesse's forehead in a crude attempt at assessing whether or not she had a temperature - she was warm, but not abnormally so. She began to run the bath before she began helping Jesse strip out of her damp pajamas. When the tub was filled with warm water, she hoisted the toddler in before settling on her knees with a wash cloth in hand. After adding soap, she rinsed her daughter off carefully. The little girl only fussed when Amanda went to wash her hair - she hated that - but eventually she acquiesced, most likely too tired to throw a full-blown tantrum.

"I'm sorry you're sick, baby," Amanda told her, then smiled. "But now you're fresh as a daisy."

Jesse giggled in response, which was a good sign.

Once she was satisfied that her daughter was clean, she pulled Jesse from the water and began to dry her off. She wrapped her up in a fluffy blue towel and picked her up to tote her back to her bedroom. There, she found that her small bed had been stripped of all of the sheets. She quirked an eyebrow, confused, before turning her attention back to Jesse.

"Put your PJs on and come to mama's room, okay?" she explained, pulling a fresh pair of pajamas out of a drawer before setting Jesse down. "I wanna brush that hair out before you lay down."

Jesse nodded and began to clamber into the outfit. Amanda slid out of the room and into her own to find Sonny stretched out on the bed, leaned back against the headboard, leisurely reading something on his phone like it wasn't three o'clock in the morning.

"What happened to the bed?" she asked him curiously.

"I ran the sheets down to the basement. I figured it was better to put it in the washer sooner rather than later," he answered simply, eyes flickering up from his phone to meet hers.

That surprised her - but why? Maybe she still thought his kindness was conditional, like if they weren't fucking or working, Sonny wasn't obligated to be good. Except Amanda found herself repeatedly in awe of his commitment to being a decent human being, no matter the circumstances. "Oh. Okay. Thanks," she replied awkwardly. She looked down at herself: her navy t-shirt was now stained with her daughter's vomit. She cringed, heat rising in her cheeks as she imagined what she must look like. Meeting Sonny's eyes again, she remarked sheepishly, "this is sexy, huh?"

He offered her a grin that crinkled the corners of his eyes. "Very."

Walking over to her bureau, Amanda's back was to him as she peeled off her top and cast it aside in favor of a clean one.

"That's definitely sexy," she heard Sonny smirk.

She tossed a coy glance at him over her bare shoulder before tugging a new t-shirt over her head.

The door creaked open, then Sonny said, "Hey, kiddo. How ya feelin'?"

She turned to see Jesse flinging her stuffed rabbit onto the bed before she started climbing onto the mattress, clad in her fresh pajamas. "Bad."

Amanda eyed her suspiciously. "Are you gonna throw up again?"

She shook her head. "No."

"Try and give me a little warning if you are, okay?" Amanda requested, sinking down next to her on the edge of the bed, armed with a comb. "Otherwise we're gonna run outta sheets."

"I throwed up everywhere!" Jesse told Sonny proudly.

"Yeah, you did," Sonny responded, sitting up straighter and leaning in closer. He poked at Jesse's knee. "Who knew all that could come from such a little girl?"

Amanda rolled her eyes as she gently worked through her daughter's tangled hair, but she found herself smiling, too.

"I a big girl," Jesse corrected him.

"Ah, right. Sorry. You are pretty big." He waggled his eyebrows. "But I remember when you were a teeny tiny baby."

Jesse shook her head, momentarily pausing her mother's work on her hair. "Noooo."

"You were," he insisted. "You were this big." Holding up a hand, he indicated a ridiculously small space between his thumb and his forefinger.

"No I wasn't!" Jesse giggled.

"Yep." Sonny nodded seriously, but a grin was pulling at the corners of his mouth. "I coulda put you in my pocket."

"Your pocket?!" she shrieked with laughter. She clutched her stuffed rabbit and fell forward, giggling into the comforter. "No!" She rolled over onto her back, breathless with amusement. "Mama?!"

"It's true. You were the teeniest, tiniest little thing I had ever seen. I almost ate you right up, you were so cute." She gave one of Jesse's small bare feet a playful squeeze. "Still are. Now, can I get you a little ginger ale to sip on, huh?"

"Uh huh," Jesse agreed.

Getting up and shuffling into the kitchen, Amanda pulled open her refrigerator and peered inside. Usually any ginger ale was kept to be mixed exclusively with whiskey, but this time she dumped some into one of Jesse's covered plastic cups. When she brought it back to her daughter, she held it out for her, instructing, "small sips."

Jesse sat up and scrunched her nose when she drank. "Bubbles."

"It's soda," Amanda explained, sitting back down beside her.

The little girl's eyes widened; she was never allowed to drink _soda_. Eagerly, like she was afraid her mother would realize her error and take it away, she tilted the cup back and began to gulp it down.

"Ah, hey, it's not a keg stand," Sonny chuckled, hand reaching out to guide her cup back down. "Small sips, remember?"

Amanda smiled and lifted her eyes from Jesse to meet Sonny's gaze. He looked tired but content in the sort of way that threatened to stop her heart in her chest, because maybe this wasn't so awful for him after all. Maybe he had room in his heart to care for them both. _I don't need his help,_ the stubborn, prideful part of her thought. _But... I want it._ She could never admit such a thing out loud - she would need at least five drinks, minimum, beforehand - but it was nice to share a bed and meals and bad television with someone. It was more than just a warm body temporarily easing loneliness; it felt more like a partnership than any other 'relationship' she had ever had.

She had never been in love before.

Amanda was well-acquainted with lust, the sensation of burning up from the inside, everything all flushed skin, blown-out pupils and anticipation. She had that with Sonny, but then there was all this other stuff, too. His happiness was hers. She liked the way his mind worked; she learned from him. She couldn't cook, but she found satisfaction in making him a drink or running her hands along the tired muscles in his shoulders after long days. When they worked opposite shifts, she left him secret notes at his desk, hidden between the screen and keyboard of his closed laptop, _can't wait to see you... xo A_. She found reassurance in his hand at the small of her back and the scent of his cologne lingering on her sheets. If all of that was love, she was besotted.

She was too much of a coward to tell him. Leaning over Jesse, Amanda kissed Sonny instead. It was soft, gentle, and when she pulled away he was looking at her so intensely that she felt herself begin to blush.

"Sleepy," Jesse yawned, her little body leaning into Amanda's.

Amanda blinked a few times, re-focusing herself on her daughter. "It's way past your bed time. It's way past _all_ of our bed times." She smoothed a hand over Jesse's hair. "D'you wanna go lay down?"

Jesse nodded.

"I'll keep all the doors open, so I can listen if you need me, okay?" Amanda stood up, taking Jesse's cup in her hand. "Say g'night."

"Night-night." The toddler flopped over and hugged Sonny's leg.

"Night-night," Sonny replied, a palm resting atop Jesse's head affectionately.

"Say, 'thanks for cleanin' up my throw-up,'" Amanda grinned.

"Thanks for cleaning throw-up," the toddler repeated obediently.

"You're welcome," he chuckled.

She helped Jesse climb off of the mattress to go get settled back in her room. Before they left, Amanda looked at Sonny and he looked at her, and the words were right on the tip of her tongue. _Thank you, I love you,_ she wanted to tell him. _I never knew how lonely all of this used to feel until you came around._

Amanda turned around and followed her daughter out into the hallway, leaving Sonny alone in her bed.

* * *

For their two year wedding anniversary, Amanda didn't want to be in the city. Last year, the date had been tainted by her miscarriage, and in a sense she wanted a do-over. They didn't have the money to fly somewhere tropical and extravagant, but she didn't necessarily need all the fuss that came with that, either. They settled on four nights in a cabin in North Creek, New York right in the middle of the Adirondack mountains. It was a four hour drive into the wilderness before they arrived at a cottage overlooking a bubbling river. It was surprisingly spacious, with wood-paneled walls, a lofted bedroom and a big, stone fireplace in the middle of the living room. All the furnishings were rustic and warm, a stark contrast to the sharp edges and cool metallic of New York City. A porch jutted over the creek with two chairs facing outward into the mountains. Given the elevation, the temperature would only reach the high 40's that week.

They had cell service, but nothing more. Amanda was too anxious to be totally disconnected - not with three children, two pets and a job that required near-constant attention. Her maternity leave ended in a few weeks, but this was the first break Sonny had since the baby had been born and she had been hospitalized. He was entitled to time off, but much like Amanda, he stayed tethered to SVU more often than not.

It was Friday evening by the time they arrived. They hauled their belongings - consisting of mostly food and alcohol - inside before getting settled. Amanda took their luggage upstairs to the bedroom, while Sonny tinkered around in the living room. He was determined to start a fire in the fireplace and she knew better than to get involved when he was on any particular mission. She flopped dramatically onto her back onto the king-sized mattress, starfish-ing out her limbs in the center of the bed luxuriously. It was only a few minutes until she was uncomfortable, because she was still in the constrictive jeans and shirt she had been wearing for four hours in the car. Sitting up, Amanda began to rifle through the single, massive suitcase they had both packed their clothes in.

She eventually shed all of her layers in favor of a single, green plaid shirt that belonged to Sonny. It was too big, the hem hitting her at mid-thigh - but that was the point. She kept the top two buttons undone, allowing the soft flannel fabric to drift down her shoulder. Bright blonde hair hanging loose around her face, Amanda padded down the iron spiral staircase. Sonny was struggling with the kindling of the fire, talking to himself as he often did when completing a task, so she moved into the adjoining kitchen. She uncorked a bottle of red wine and dumped some into two Solo cups - bringing real glassware seemed ridiculous. For a few minutes, she silently sipped and observed Sonny's work.

" _Aha!_ Got it!" Sonny suddenly exclaimed victoriously from his spot kneeling in front of the fireplace.

Walking over to him with two cups in hand, Amanda sat down beside him on the rug, her knees bent to one side. Her eyes flickered to the fire, which was small but slowly growing. "What a good boy scout," she purred approvingly over her bare shoulder, an impish grin on her lips. She held his cup out in front of him.

"Thank you," he responded proudly, taking his glass. Swallowing a mouthful of wine, his eyes flickered up and down her form before he leaned in and kissed her. "You look sexy."

She grinned. "Everybody looks sexy in firelight."

"Mm, not true." Sonny pecked at her lips again before kissing her jaw then nuzzling his face into the crook of her neck. His free hand crept up her bare thigh to shamelessly palm the curve of her ass.

Amanda set down her cup and caught his face between her hands. The pad of her thumb grazed over his lower lip as she met his gaze. "You look pretty sexy yourself, bein' all manly and stuff."

He met her mouth with his again. "Y'know the best part of this place?" he murmured against her lips.

She slid her arms around his neck, scooting closer to him in the process. "Hm?"

A mischievous smirk took over Sonny's features. "We can be as loud as we want."

* * *

"The key to good bread is letting the dough rise properly," Mrs. Carisi explained, bent over to peek into the window of her oven. "People are always in such a rush. That ruins it, you know?"

No, she did not know: Amanda ate bread, she didn't think too much about it and she definitely didn't bake it. Thank God for Sonny's family, who didn't expect her to know a damn thing about the kitchen just as long as appreciated whatever they put in front of her. _You're too thin,_ his mother always said, no matter what her daughter-in-law looked like. Over the years Amanda had figured out that feeding people was how Carisis showed love - and she was very appreciative of all of their affection. Especially that evening, which was blustery and unseasonably cold for the end of April, but the house was warm from the work going on in the kitchen. While Sonny helped his father set up a new entertainment system (with the added task of watching Luca), Amanda and Jesse kept Mrs. Carisi company. Ruby was awake in her swing near-by, blue eyes wide as she took in the environment. At three-and-a-half months old, she was growing more and more aware every day.

Standing on a foot stool, Jesse was carefully sculpting her allotted dough into small, lopsided hearts at the counter. Amanda hovered over her, behind her, her dark jeans and gray sweater dusted in flour as if _she_ was the one playing. She didn't mind: it was a sufficient distraction for Jesse and it was fun watching what shapes she came up with.

Amanda toyed with her daughter's long hair, gently brushing it away from her face with her fingers. "Can you make a 'J'?" she asked her.

Jesse nodded. "Uh huh." She squished up a glob of dough and with great concentration, began to form it into the letter - backwards.

"The hook goes the other way, remember?" she reminded Jesse.

"Oh yeah." She looked up. "Will you help me with... with 'e'?"

"Sure." Reaching around her, Amanda took a little bit of the dough and began to slowly make an 'e,' so Jesse could see how the letter was formed.

The doorbell rang, getting everyone's attention.

"Jesse, get the door for nana, will you?" Mrs. Carisi asked as she stirred one pot on the stove and added salt to another.

"Okay!" Jesse jumped from her stool and sprinted into the other room. She loved doing anything that she perceived to be helpful.

"Look through the window to see who it is first," Amanda reminded her, always wary.

"It's a pretty lady," Jesse yelled.

"Can you be a little more specific?" she chuckled.

"What's that mean?" her daughter called back.

"I got it," Amanda assured Sonny's mother, dusting off her hands before walking toward the front of the house. There, she found Jesse peering out the side window panel curiously. Amanda pulled open the door to see a woman, tall and thin beneath an elegant tan pea coat, standing on the steps. Her hair was wavy and blonde, reaching just below her shoulders, and her eyes were remarkably green. When she smiled, she displayed a row of straight, white teeth.

"Hi, um, do the Carisis still live here?" she asked.

"Yeah..." Amanda replied cautiously.

"Oh, my goodness!" came Mrs. Carisi's excited voice from behind her daughter-in-law. "Is that you, Dana?"

"Mrs. Carisi! Hi! Yeah, it's me!" the woman replied, equally as enthusiastic.

Sonny's mother crowded in at Amanda's side. "I can't believe it! What are you doin' here, all the way from L.A.?"

"I'm in New York City for a few weeks of training so I'm spending some time with my folks," Dana explained.

"I just saw them at church and they didn't mention it! Come in, come in," Mrs. Carisi said, waving her hands to motion her inside. "Dom! Sonny! Get in here!" she called over her shoulder.

Amanda stepped aside, confused as the two women embraced.

When Sonny appeared, a wiggling, babbling Luca was under his arm. He set him down by his feet, only for the little boy to cling to his leg. "Is the food done yet?" Sonny asked. "We're-" He stopped mid-sentence, eyes widening on the other woman in the room. "Dana?"

Dana beamed. "Hey, Sonny."

"Uh, I, hi. Hey," he stammered, very obviously shocked. "What are you doin' here?"

"LAPD sent me and three other detectives to the city for some specialized training," she explained. "Chief told us NYPD's Special Victims is the gold standard, so we'll be taking some courses and shadowing-"

"Sonny works for Special Victims!" Mrs. Carisi interrupted. "So does Amanda."

"No way!" Dana grinned, looking between the two of them.

"Yeah! I do," Sonny responded proudly.

Amanda glared at him expectantly.

"Oh, yeah. This is my wife, Amanda," he said hastily. "This is Jesse," he pointed to the little girl next to Amanda, then set a hand on Luca's head, "and this is Luca," he gestured to the baby in her swing, "and right over there is Ruby."

 _Oh, yeah, this is me wanting to punch you in the fucking face,_ Amanda thought irritably. She eyed Dana with a narrow, searching gaze. She did not have to be a trained detective to figure out that this was Sonny's ex-girlfriend. All she knew about her was that they had met on the force in Staten Island and she had moved away to California years and years ago. She was annoyingly attractive; at least three inches taller than Amanda, Dana could have been a model. It made Amanda wish that she had put make-up on that morning, or chosen a different outfit, or hadn't opted to have her hair in a sloppy bun at the top of her head.

Dana's eyes widened. "Wow, are these all your-"

"They're our kids, yeah," Amanda interrupted, smiling even though it was painfully difficult to maintain.

"Dana, we were just finishin' up making dinner," Mrs. Carisi explained. "Can you stay?"

"Are you sure it wouldn't be too much? I don't want to impose..." Dana replied shyly.

"Of course you aren't imposing!" Sonny's mother insisted. She looked between her son, husband and Amanda. "We're so happy to see you!"

* * *

Dinner was painful, but seemingly only for Amanda. Dana was likable. In fact, Amanda could picture being her friend, which somehow only served to make her more irritated. It was obvious that she had returned to the Carisi home in search of Sonny, not to chat with his parents - and definitely not to hang out with his wife and three children - but his mother and father were clearly enamored with her. _Have they ever been that interested in_ my _life?_ Amanda wondered. _Or has it always been too filled with landmines for them to truly want to explore?_ She kept relatively quiet as they all rehashed shared memories, the kids occupying her just enough to have an excuse not to participate in the conversation. It wasn't like she had much to say, anyway, because this was a life Sonny had lived long before he ever met her.

Dana lingered into the evening. After dinner, they moved from the dining room table to sit in the living room to talk. All the while, Amanda took careful note of Sonny's facial expressions and tone of voice - for the majority of the night, he resembled an over-eager golden retriever. When it was too late for any of the children to be up, Amanda made her exit. On the second floor, she fed Ruby a bottle, gave Luca a bath and read him a story, and settled Jesse into bed. Everything was quiet except for the jovial conversation downstairs. Amanda weighed her options: she could return to the group and continue to be a silent bystander, or she could hole herself up in Sonny's old room and seethe. She opted for the latter.

When she finally got into bed, she did so alone. Amanda clutched the sheets tightly around her, teeth gritted as she stared at the door. She hadn't felt jealous in a long time. She remembered Leah - cute as a button with a crush on Sonny but no real malicious intent - and how crazy she had been with her. Granted, Amanda had been pregnant at the time, but it was no excuse to be a bully. It was just that her relationship with Sonny was the most precious thing she had (besides her kids) and whenever she perceived it being threatened, logic seemed to become irrelevant.

When the bedroom door eventually opened, she remained still and silent. In the dark, she watched Sonny move around the room. The floorboards of the old house creaked beneath him as he changed, eventually sliding into bed beside her so her back was to his chest.

"Nice of you to join me, Hometown Hero," she grumbled.

She heard Sonny click his tongue in disapproval. "You could have stayed up with us."

"I had to take care of your children," she reminded him haughtily.

He sighed. "You could have come back down after."

"And break up the 120th Precinct reunion? I wouldn't dream of it," Amanda said snidely.

"What are you, jealous?" he asked.

"Are you kidding me?" she scoffed. "I'm a grown woman."

Sonny's hand crept up her abdomen, on an obvious path to grope her. "That's good..."

She wriggled away slightly. "I'm not in the mood."

"Aw, c'mon..." She felt him move behind her, his arm holding her in place. He kissed her shoulder, then her neck. "You looked so cute, all covered in flour earlier..."

Amanda rolled her eyes. "Sonny..."

"And those jeans you were wearin'? You know I think you've got the best ass in NYPD," he murmured flirtatiously.

"That better include Staten Island PD," she mumbled.

"Including Staten Island PD," Sonny chuckled.

"Good." Her eyes flickered to his hand again, which was now sliding up her chest to her face. He tilted her chin over her shoulder toward him and kissed her, slow and deep. "Sonny... I think your parents are still up," she reminded him against his lips.

"So what?" Sonny's hand drifted back down, roaming over the dip of her waist and the curve of her hip.

She kissed him again, in spite of herself. "I don't want them hearin' us."

"We'll be quiet," he promised. "Plus they're half-deaf anyway, you know that."

Amanda had to admit, the prospect was kind of exciting. She moved onto her back to let Sonny shift on top of her, her arms lacing around his neck as he kissed her once more. She rolled her hips upward, a leg loosely hooking around his. Dana's appearance had made her feel especially possessive, but that sent her mind reeling again. How was Dana in bed? She was definitely gorgeous, which earned her points, but that didn't always equate to a good time...

"Is she prettier than me?" Amanda blurted.

Sonny froze. "What?" he asked breathlessly, looking down at her as if she was crazy.

"Dana. Is she prettier than me?" she repeated. She could have said 'never mind,' but she was much too high-strung for that. "Be honest."

His brow furrowed. "Of course she isn't."

"Why'd you break up?" she demanded.

He sighed and rolled off of her onto his back. He ran his palms roughly up and down his face, clearly frustrated. Amanda supposed she couldn't blame him - instead of having sex, he was being interrogated. "She moved to LA. I told you that."

She looked over at him pointedly. "So if she hadn't..."

" _Amanda._ " His tone was warning; she was going too far.

She rolled over onto her side, back to him, eyes on the door. "She came here to find you, you know," she told him bitterly.

"I know," he replied.

Her eyes widened and she flipped back over, struggling to sit up. Her eyes narrowed on Sonny in the dark. "You do? How do you know that?"

"She told me."

"What?"

"She told me she came lookin' for me. She didn't know I was married."

"You 'are' married. _'Are,_ '" she corrected him.

"You know what I mean." He sounded exasperated.

"Have you guys been talking? I mean, before this?" Amanda demanded, her heart beginning to race in sickening anticipation.

"No, of course not," Sonny exclaimed. "What do I have to talk to her about?"

She scowled. "I don't know, you certainly had a lot to say tonight."

"Amanda, come on. Don't be like this," he pleaded quietly.

The tone of his voice suddenly had her feeling sheepish. She crossed her arms tightly over her chest and stared out into the familiar room. Sonny's mother had long since redone Sonny's old space since he went to college, but she still kept a collection of photographs of him on the desk. Amanda had always jokingly referred to it as _the shrine_ ; her own mother maybe had three pictures of her, total, and they were probably covered in dust in her attic. It was a testament to how adored Sonny was, the Carisis' golden child, their only son.

"Sorry," Amanda eventually mumbled because she was, sort of.

Sonny rolled over onto his side, facing away from her. "S'alright," he sighed. "Let's just get some rest, huh?"

She opened her mouth to go on, then snapped it shut a moment later. She felt rejected now, her ego bruised by his sudden disinterest even though it was definitely her fault. Chewing on her lower lip, Amanda sunk down beneath the sheets again, squeezed her eyes shut and pretended to fall asleep.


	36. Chapter 36

**AN:** Happy Friday friends! A sweet guest reviewer gave me a good idea: a flashback around Sonny finding out about Amanda's incident with Chief Patton. You know I love me some angst. I'll probably toss that in the next chapter, and if anybody has more suggestions, I am open!

* * *

 _what draws you to her / tell me what you like / so I can practice_

* * *

When Liv called her, Amanda was squeezed into the overstuffed armchair in Ruby's room, baby on one side, Luca on the other. It was seven o'clock at night, a half hour before the little boy's bed time, but he had crowded in with his mother instead. It was a battle they waged almost every night; in addition to Luca being a rambunctious toddler, he was jealous of his little sister. Usually, either Amanda or Sonny kept firm to their boundaries, but neither of them had the energy to argue that night. So while Amanda gave Ruby her last bottle, Luca curled his pajama-clad body into any available space on his mother's lap and sucked his thumb. He didn't need a story or entertainment, he just wanted to be close to her, and Amanda had to admit that it was hard to deny her precious two-year-old the affection.

She very carefully lifted her arm from around her son to grab her ringing phone from the top of Ruby's changing table. She balanced it between her shoulder and ear. "Hey, Liv."

"Rollins, how's it going?" the lieutenant greeted her. "You ready to come back tomorrow?"

Amanda looked down at her lap: Ruby's head was lolling to one side, her little body drowsy and filled with milk. Luca was still fighting sleep, blonde eye lashes fluttering atop chubby cheeks, the side of his face pressed against her chest. She frowned slightly. "Yeah, I'm ready."

"I wanted to give you a heads up: it's going to be a little wild here," Liv went on. "We've got some officers in from LAPD and Seattle PD doing some training in Special Victims work-"

"Yeah, I know," Amanda interrupted before she could stop herself.

"Carisi told you?"

"Kinda... yeah."

"Alright, well, they'll be hanging around between their trainings."

"Copy that."

"How's the baby doing?" Liv asked curiously.

She smiled. "She's good. I think she's going through a little growth spurt, she's eating like crazy."

"Is Audrey gonna be able to handle taking care of three kids?" Liv wondered.

"Yeah," Amanda replied tentatively. "Yeah, she'll be okay."

* * *

The night, Amanda couldn't sleep. She was anxious - more anxious than she had been after either of her previous children. It seemed to be an ongoing theme: everything was more challenging with Ruby, except sweet Ruby herself. She was a good baby, but Amanda had struggled quite literally from the moment she was born. Her mood had improved slowly over the past three and a half months, but she was still plagued with worry about nothing and everything at the same time. She had always been high-strung, but now space in her head was rented almost constantly by _what ifs._

Frannie followed her downstairs. Amanda flicked on the track lighting above the kitchen island and quietly pulled a bottle of whiskey from the liquor cabinet. Clinking an ice cube into a glass, she poured the alcohol over it. She hoped the drink would help put her to sleep, because it was one a.m., and six o'clock in the morning would come quickly. She sipped the whiskey before setting down her cup and staring into the amber liquid. The house was so quiet - almost _too_ quiet - and Amanda contemplated settling herself on the living room couch to watch some television just for the noisy distraction.

"I thought I felt you get up."

Amanda looked up to see Sonny padding into the kitchen in an old Mets t-shirt and basketball shorts, his hair looking as if he had just stuck his finger into an electrical socket. He ruffled a hand through the stands as he yawned loudly.

"Sorry, I was trying not to wake you," she apologized sheepishly.

"S'okay. I'm hungry anyway." He pulled open the refrigerator before casting a suspicious glance at her over his shoulder. "What's with the booze?"

Amanda took another sip of whiskey. "I can't sleep."

"How come?" Sonny pulled a pizza box from the middle shelf and set it down on the island. Turning around, he cracked the cardboard container open. "You nervous?"

"No," she insisted hastily, the words leaving her mouth before he even finished the query.

"Yeah, that sounded convincing," he remarked sarcastically as he chewed on a cold, leftover slice. He eyed her. "Is this about Dana?"

She glared at him. "No, Sonny, it's not."

"Good." He tore off another bite before asking, "so what is it?"

Amanda sighed as she swirled the ice and liquor around in her glass. "I'm... I'm gonna miss the baby, that's all," she mumbled. "Bein' at home with all of them... it's hard, but it was nice, too."

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Sonny frown. "I thought you'd be excited to go back."

"I am, I just..." _Just_ what? she lamented internally. _There are so many things, I don't even know where to start._ "I wanna be good at everything," she admitted. "What if I... what if I go back this time and I'm a crappy cop? Or what if I can't figure out how to be a decent mom of three kids and do the job? Luca is so clingy lately, I'm worried he's gonna have a total meltdown tomorrow when I go. I don't know what's going on with him. You don't think something's wrong with him, do you?" She didn't wait for him to answer her anxious question before she was barreling ahead, "and Audrey - Liv made me think, when she called me earlier - what if it's too much for her? She's only twenty-seven years old, I always forget that. When I was twenty-seven years old I was... well, I thought I knew everything and I made so many mistakes. Taking care of an infant and two kids isn't gonna be easy..."

Sonny's eyes were wide when she finally met them; he was holding the crust of his pizza in the air, halfway to his mouth, frozen in obvious surprise. He set it down after a few seconds, brushed off his hands and stepped closer to her. He rested a palm against her lower back and tilted his head in an attempt to catch her gaze. "You've always been a great cop _and_ a great mother. Neither of those things are gonna change. Not a chance," he insisted. "I don't think there's anything wrong with Luca. I think he's the middle kid who loves his mother, and once he starts preschool he's gonna have an easier time bein' away from you. And, Audrey is a saint. She took care of Jesse when she was a baby, then Luca, and now she'll take care of Ruby. Jesse's in school all day so it'll just be the little ones. She can handle it, we've never had any reason to think otherwise."

Head bowed and eyes on her drink, Amanda nodded.

"I'm here too, ya know," he reminded her gently. "Half the time I don't know what the hell I'm doin' either."

Amanda shook her head in disagreement. "You're good at everything," she mumbled bitterly. "A good cop, a good lawyer, a good dad... a great husband..."

"Well, I'm glad you think so," he chuckled, "but the only way I can be good at any of those things is by doin' it all with you."

She felt a little grin pull at the corners of her mouth despite her worry. She lifted her blue eyes to meet Sonny's. "You're awfully sweet for one o'clock in the morning."

He kissed the side of her head before reaching a long arm out for his pizza again. "I'm just bein' honest. I can't imagine doin' any of this by myself." He held the slice out in front of her. "Bite?"

Amanda's eyes narrowed on him, not in suspicion, but in quiet amazement. A simple reminder from Sonny relieved the weight of her anxiety in just a few moments; _she was not alone in anything she did._ She smiled again, sheepish, and leaned in to take a bite of the pizza. She quirked an eyebrow as she chewed. "That's pretty good."

"As good as what I make?" he challenged her.

She shook her head. "Nah."

Sonny responded with a smug grin.

She looked down at her drink again in thoughtful silence, then back over to Sonny. "Thanks," she told him eventually.

"For what?" he asked thickly, now working on slice number two.

Glass in hand, Amanda moved behind him, her free palm giving his back an affectionate rub on the way to the sink. "For... bein' you."

"Oh. Sure. Anytime," Sonny responded, sounding both confused and pleased.

She dumped the last of her whiskey down the drain and climbed the stairs to return to bed.

* * *

The precinct was quiet and dark at eight thirty at night, except for the sound of Sonny typing on his laptop and the dim glow of his desk lamp. He was two hours into catching up on paperwork that was technically due the week prior. He had never been so late with reports before, but he had also never had three children, and that was the real reason why he had fallen behind. Even though he was a fairly energetic person, Sonny was exhausted lately. Ruby slept, but only for an absolute maximum of five hours at a time - and then she was crying again. Luca was deep into his 'terrible twos' and threw epic tantrums, did exactly the opposite of whatever he and Amanda asked, and had gotten into the annoying habit of opening every cabinet and drawer just to empty them of all of their contents at the most inconvenient times. Jesse was less crazed but still needy as she learned to read, write and navigate the kindergarten social system. Even despite the day-to-day struggles, Sonny couldn't imagine a different kind of life that he would prefer - except maybe one where he got to take a nap on occasion.

He peered up from his work when he heard footsteps in the precinct. He saw Dana moving across the bullpen, purse slung over her shoulder, LAPD shield on her hip, and her arms crossed tightly across her chest as she seemingly scanned the room for something.

When Sonny looked at her, he didn't feel anything at all.

He used to, of course. They had spent two years together and most of it had been good. He had loved her back then. Dana was clever, driven and impossibly sweet. She was always smiling, always asking _how can I help?_ , and she never spoke ill of anybody. Their families went to the same church, she was an excellent cook, she was definitely easy on the eyes... but when she left for Los Angeles, Sonny mourned her loss far less than he had anticipated. He supposed in his heart he had always known that she wasn't 'the one,' but it was hard to reconcile that feeling with all of her pleasant attributes. Still, it nagged him, and he had been trying to figure out a kind way to break up with her when she announced that she wanted to move to the west coast. It gave him the perfect out.

Sonny didn't think about Dana anymore, but now that she had returned to New York, he quickly realized that she thought about him. He was glad to see her, happy she was doing well and still had the same enthusiasm for life she had always possessed, but he didn't return her not-so-subtle looks of longing. He thought the simple fact that he was married with children would send a clear enough message, but in the days she had been in town, Dana still lingered with a kind of palpable hopefulness that made Sonny cringe internally.

"Sonny, hey," Dana said. "Lieutenant Benson said I forgot my sweater in here..."

"Hey. Yeah, it's right there on Amanda's chair." He pointed in the direction of Amanda's near-by desk.

Dana walked over and picked up the garment and Sonny turned his attention back to his computer screen.

"Thanks. You wanna take a break and grab a beer?" he heard Dana ask. "There's this bar by my hotel that looks cool..."

He lifted his gaze to look at her. "Ah, I don't think so. I gotta finish this stuff up or Lieu's gonna kill me. Plus, I gotta get home... bedtime has been a real struggle with Luca lately. His head starts spinnin' around..." He offered her a sheepish smile before he went back to his keyboard. He was being honest - he had things to do - but he also knew better than to take her up on her offer no matter his schedule. Focused on his documentation again, Sonny hoped Dana would get the hint.

"She didn't change her last name?" Dana's question broke the momentary silence.

"Huh?" He looked up and saw her studying the placard on Amanda's desk. It was an old name plate: right before she was due to leave Atlanta PD, Amanda had ripped it off of the wall outside of her office and brought it with her to New York. Besides her shield, it was the first official marker of her promotion to detective, reading _DET. A. ROLLINS_ in bright white letters. "Oh, no, she did. It's just here, it woulda been kinda confusing, havin' two Carisis."

"I can't believe your Chief's okay with you two being married and working together," Dana went on.

"Yeah, well, One PP isn't thrilled but... it's kinda the least of NYPD's problems right now," he explained with a shrug. He glanced at his watch; at this rate, he would never get out of there. He wasn't sure what was more daunting: pissing Liv or Amanda off. Just as he was about to return to typing, Dana's spoke again.

"Can I ask you something?" she said.

Either Dana was ignoring his very obvious attempts at appearing preoccupied or she somehow hadn't noticed. Suppressing a sigh, he figured, maybe he could multitask. Sonny kept his eyes on his screen, checking off boxes in the clunky software they used to file certain reports. "Sure."

"What do you see in her?"

"In who?"

"Amanda."

He paused. Turning in his chair, he eyed Dana. She looked serious, almost irritated. "You're askin' me what I see in my wife?" he asked incredulously. He didn't bother hiding his shock; it was an awfully bold question.

She shrugged her slim shoulders. "You two just seem so... different."

Sonny was momentarily rendered speechless - which was a fairly impressive feat. Dana had never been shy, but he couldn't recall her willingly getting involved in the personal lives of others. Maybe she felt like she could with him, like their history meant she was entitled to this sort of conversation, but Sonny found it off-putting.

"I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be rude. Maybe that came out the wrong way, I just... I'm just surprised," Dana went on hastily as she sat on the edge of Amanda's desk. She frowned, then looked wistful. "You and me, we had a good thing going for awhile, didn't we?"

He cleared his throat, bracing himself for what he was sure would be an onslaught of awkwardness. "Yeah, we did."

"And you could have come to California with me," she reminded him earnestly. "I asked you."

"My pops wasn't doin' well with his heart condition, remember? I couldn't leave my ma and my sisters. Plus, I had just got accepted to Fordham..."

"Did you even want to come?"

"No. I didn't," he admitted honestly, although when he saw the hurt flash across Dana's face, he added quickly, "I mean, I just, I've always wanted to stay in New York. Work for NYPD. Raise a family here."

"I would have come back, if you asked me," she told him softly.

Dana looked a combination of sad and hopeful and Sonny felt a twinge of guilt. Was he being insensitive? He was so damn tired; this was a conversation that required a kind of patience that he didn't possess. Still, he didn't want to hurt her. "I was pissed when you decided to leave but, c'mon. You had your goals and I had mine." He tried to keep his tone gentle even if inside, he was becoming more annoyed and defensive by the second. "We wanted different things."

"Sometimes life pulls people apart for a little while, until they're ready to appreciate one another," Dana responded sweetly. "I've always believed that."

In the past, he had admired her tenacity. Now, Sonny was bothered by it. "Dana... I agree with that, but, that isn't what's happenin' here," he explained slowly, wanting to ensure that she heard every word. "Amanda and I want the same things. I know she doesn't always come off as warm and fuzzy, but she's got a really big heart. I don't even... I can't even describe to you what life was like before me and her were together, 'cause I don't remember. She's not just my wife and the mother of my kids, she's my best friend."

The silence that fell between them was painful. Sonny watched Dana's face: her green eyes filled with tears, but they didn't fall, even as she nodded silently. The sight made him want to get up and leave just so he wouldn't have to look at her. He wasn't trying to be cruel, but even though he had the tendency to be a people-pleaser, he was not willing to have any involvement in Dana's ongoing infatuation. She may not have respected his relationship with Amanda, but _he_ certainly did. "I'm sorry," he added eventually, because he was. Not for the choices he had made in his life, but for causing Dana any pain. Sonny didn't get any satisfaction out of doing that.

"Yeah... well, I should get going," she announced suddenly, awkwardly, straightening up and tucking her hair behind her ears. She offered him a small, forced smile. "I'll see you tomorrow."

She looked as uncomfortable as Sonny felt. He nodded. "Alright, yeah. See ya."

* * *

By the time Sonny got home, everything was quiet.

He climbed the stairs as he loosened his tie. He hoped Amanda was awake, although she hadn't responded to the text message he had sent her letting her know that he was finally leaving the precinct. Their bedroom door was ajar, warm light spilling out into the hallway, and he pushed it open further cautiously. In leggings and a white t-shirt, Amanda was curled up on her side on their bed, her back to him. Her bright blonde hair was spread out against their cream-colored comforter, her cheek resting atop her outstretched arm. Sonny walked over to his side of the bed to see Ruby was asleep on her back next to her, dressed in a gray Atlanta Braves onesie. He grinned. When Luca was born, he and Amanda had come to an agreement: Sonny could put the little boy in Mets attire, but whatever child came after, Amanda could deck out in Braves paraphernalia. She had not hesitated to make good on their deal.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, he reached an hand out and set it gently on the toned muscle of Amanda's thigh. He gave it a gentle squeeze. "'Manda?"

"Hm?" she hummed. Her eyes fluttered open, then darted around, eventually settling on the infant between them. "Hey... oh... I meant to put her to bed..."

"I just, I wanna talk to you," he explained. He wasn't sure why he felt compelled to say that, but it came out of his mouth anyway.

"Okay..." She began to struggle to sit up. "Lemme just put her..."

Sonny stopped her with a hand. "I got her." Gently, he picked up the baby, who whimpered and whined in protest. "Alright, Ruby, alright. Sorry to interrupt your snoozin'..." he told her apologetically as he adjusted her in his arms. He carried her into the nursery and carefully set her down on her back in her crib. Her little limbs flailed briefly as she tried to figure out how to get her thumb into her mouth; she had been born with the habit. Leaning in, Sonny smoothed a hand over Ruby's head, which was now covered in a mass of light brown hair. "'Night, gorgeous girl," he told her quietly. "I'm sure you'll be wakin' the whole house up in four hours..."

When he returned to the bedroom Amanda was sitting up on their bed, bleary-eyed but awake. Her gaze narrowed on him through the messy splay of her bangs. "What's goin' on?"

"I just wanted to talk to you." Sonny sat on the edge of bed beside her again.

She pulled her legs into her chest, arms wrapping loosely around them. She wiggled her toes, painted bright red, and yawned. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah, it's fine. I just..." He furrowed his brow. It was an immense relief to be there, at home, with her. This was where he belonged. He had never doubted it, but after his interaction with Dana that night, he was even more certain that the life he lived with Amanda was exactly what he wanted.

"What, Sonny?" Now Amanda looked anxious.

"I love you," he blurted. "I love everything about you. Everything."

For a second she looked confused, then amused. A little laugh bubbled up from her. She reached out and cupped his cheek affectionately, fingers grazing his jaw and chin before falling down to the mattress. "I love you, too."

"I just, ah, wanted to let you know that," Sonny concluded.

"Okay..." Amanda opened her mouth to say something else, then closed it, as if she had thought better of it.


	37. Chapter 37

**AN:** I'm getting the weird urge to put Sonny through the wringer somehow so Amanda can be her crazy protective mama bear self. What's wrong with me?

* * *

 _you're still all over me / like a wine-stained dress I can't wear anymore_

* * *

 **Five years earlier.**

One PP announced that the 16th Precinct would be getting randomly audited, sending every officer and administrator into a panic. SVU had always functioned fairly independently, meaning rules were bent and procedures were adjusted as necessary, which only became a problem when Dodds or IAB started poking around. Liv was gifted at protecting her detectives and their methods, but the Audit Squad was not typically amenable to excuses or explanations. Knowing that SVU's paperwork and documentation wasn't always in the best order, Liv had instructed Amanda and Sonny to go through all of the case files they could manage to make sure everything was in place (or at least appeared that way). It was a tedious, painful task that seemed like punishment to Amanda, but she knew better than to challenge their Lieutenant.

The two detectives organized piles of cases by date on the table in the middle of the squad room. As they rifled through them, they set aside the files that weren't complete; by six o'clock, that stack was alarmingly tall. Hungry and bleary-eyed, Sonny offered to go pick up dinner. When he returned with Chinese food, Amanda was grateful for the break.

"I think Wok 88 is better than Main Noodle House," Amanda announced after a spoonful of won-ton soup.

"No way," Sonny scoffed from across the table. "If Main Noodle hadn't closed 'cause of a burst pipe, I woulda picked dinner up from there."

"Taste this egg roll!" she insisted, picking one up. "This is an _amazing_ egg roll."

"I don't like their egg rolls." He shook his head stubbornly. "I like Main Noodle's egg rolls."

"You've never _had_ Wok 88's egg rolls, so how do you know?" Getting up from her chair, she leaned over the folders between them and waved the egg roll seductively in front of his face. "Here, try it. You know you wanna."

Sonny scrunched up his nose. "Get that outta my face. I'm not betrayin' Main Noodle, no way."

Feeling playful, she childishly prodded his nose with the egg roll, eliciting a laugh from him as he shifted back in his chair like he was trying to escape. "See, you know you-"

"Detectives?" Liv's voice was sharp and sudden.

"Uh, hey, Lieu," Sonny said awkwardly.

Amanda dropped back into her seat and intently studied her soup. She could feel her cheeks heating up with embarrassment, like she was sixteen years old and had just been caught by the school principal making out underneath the football bleachers.

"Remember: I expect this done by tomorrow morning," the lieutenant reminded them curtly.

"Copy that," Amanda replied with a nod.

Once Liv had walked away, Sonny grumbled, "how'd we get stuck doin' this?"

"Paperwork's never been Fin's strong suit," Amanda sighed.

They went back to work, simultaneously eating while they reviewed. Liv would be leaving for the day soon, which was a relief. She didn't know the two of them were sleeping together - or if she did, she hadn't let on. Occasionally Amanda got a little thrill out of sneaking around, while other times it just made her anxious. She knew Sonny hated the deception; he was so damn honest.

"Did you know this guy?" Sonny suddenly asked.

Concentrating, she organized the file in front of her. "You gotta be more specific, Carisi."

"Patton, from Atlanta PD," he clarified.

Amanda's fingers froze and her breath caught in her throat. The Chinese food sitting in her stomach churned. "Give me that."

Sonny looked confused. "Huh?"

"Give that to me," she demanded.

"Okay..." He handed the file over to her.

"I'll do this one," Amanda told him hastily, shoving it underneath the folders she already had in front of her.

"Did you ever work with him?" Sonny asked curiously.

She cleared her throat unnecessarily. "Yeah."

"What's his case doin' here?"

"He raped one of his detectives after Cop Con."

"Really? What happ-"

"At this rate, we're gonna be here till midnight," Amanda interrupted. "Can we move on, please?"

 **xxxx**

Sonny's hands were everywhere: beneath her shirt, between her thighs, groping her ass. Amanda usually loved the feeling of being possessed by him, but now it was as if she was being suffocated.

"Sonny, I can't," she gasped from beneath him, fingers gripping his biceps, pushing him away. "I... I have to tell you something."

"Right now?" he murmured into her neck in between the kisses he was placing there.

"Yeah." She wriggled away, then scrambled up from the bed like it was on fire. She was down to her white t-shirt and the blush lace of her panties, and while she was typically very comfortable with her body, Amanda couldn't have this conversation half-naked. The subject matter made her vulnerable enough. She clambered into a pair of sweatpants that she had tossed on the floor earlier that day.

"Wait, wait, I thought we were takin' clothes _off_ ," Sonny asked, sounding exasperated as he sat up.

Ignoring him, Amanda began to pace, her arms crossed tightly over her chest. "Chief Patton. He, uh, he came to Cop Con with this detective, Reese," she explained. "She was this pretty young thing, barely thirty years old. Anyway, she uh, she was really hard-working. She did anything Patton said, wanted to impress him, wanted to be good at everything."

"Okay..." Sonny sighed, shoulders slumped in defeat. "Why are you tellin' me this?"

"He raped her," she went on. "But, uh, he..."

He blinked at her expectantly.

"When I was workin' in Atlanta, Kim was screwing around. She messed up really bad. At that point she, uh, was facing a felony," she told him. "One day Patton called me into his office to talk about it. He... well, he implied that if I had sex with him, Kim wouldn't be prosecuted."

"So he's always been a scumbag," Sonny concluded.

Amanda stopped moving and studied him sitting on her bed. He looked so handsome, the lean muscles of his chest and arms exposed, his cheeks pink and a curl of hair perfectly out of place against his forehead. He clearly had no idea what her point was - he was probably merely humoring her outburst just long enough to get back to getting laid. Would he want her ever again, after he knew what she had done? It was doubtful. "I did it."

Sonny's eyes widened at her confession. "Huh? What?" he sputtered.

His shocked reaction was enough to get her pacing again; she felt like she was going to crawl right out of her skin. "I... I wanted to help Kim, and I wanted to keep Patton happy with me. He was my mentor; he had all these big plans for me. So one night I met him at a hotel and he was wasted. He got really rough and I kept telling him to slow down, to stop," she babbled, the words tumbling over each other as they left her mouth. She scraped a set of fingers through her hair. "He... he slammed my head so hard against the headboard I started bleedin'. I'll never forget trying to get the dried blood out of my hair... I tried to get away from him, but I couldn't. He pinned me down, told me I wasn't going anywhere and that nobody would believe me if I told."

Sonny slowly rose to his feet. "Are you saying..."

"He raped me." Amanda couldn't look him in the eye, so she focused on the carpet as she moved back and forth, back and forth. "I never told anybody, but that's why I left Atlanta. I didn't want to come to New York. I woulda stayed in Georgia but I just... I couldn't after that. All of the guys there, they knew. They thought I slept with him to get ahead. None of my work mattered anymore. Captain Reynolds used to proposition me all the time but I never took him up on it, so he was pissed, like I had chosen Patton over him or some shit... so he was out to destroy my career. I had to get out of there. But then, five years later, SVU caught Reese's case and he did exactly what he did to me, to her. I was gonna testify, I told Barba everything, but the judge wouldn't allow-"

"You're tellin' me that Barba and everybody knows all this and I haven't till now?" he interrupted her. He sounded angry.

She stilled again and finally met his gaze. "When should I have brought it up? It's not exactly a casual topic of conversation," she challenged him weakly. "But I, I didn't want you to see that case file and read it. It's bad enough that it's documented and the whole squad knows, but, you... I didn't want you to think less of me."

His Adam's apple bobbed in his throat as he swallowed hard. "Amanda..."

"I'm not proud of it. I know that I shouldn't have agreed to it in the first place, I know that set me up for-"

"For what? You know just as well as I do consent can be revoked at any time."

"You can say that, but when it's _you_ , you look back at it and you can't help but think, 'how the hell did I get here?' and 'what could I have done differently?' Could I have prevented it? I think about that all the time," she babbled. She could feel herself unraveling. She wanted to open a window to get some air, but her hands felt too tremulous. "He didn't get jail time. They took his shield and he's on the registry, but he never did time." She wrung her fingers together. "I just, I did what I thought I had to do. I wanted to take care of Kim, I wanted to make sure my job was secure..."

"I... I'm really sorry that happened to you, Amanda," Sonny told her softly.

"Don't say that. Don't use that voice," she snapped, her shame now veiled by defensive irritation.

He looked confused. "What voice?"

"The... the _Sensitive Cop_ voice," Amanda scoffed. "I'm not a victim. I'm not some co-ed who drank too much at a party and didn't know what she was doing. I knew what I was getting myself into. When you're in a boys' club, you've gotta do things their way. That's what I was trying to do and it went bad."

"It doesn't matter how you got into that hotel room!" he exclaimed incredulously. "What matters is what Patton did to you. There's no excuse for it. He's a predatory, scumbag, piece of crap hidin' behind his badge and his power. If I ever met him, I'd beat the living shit outta the bastard so he could experience even one tenth of the pain that he's caused."

 _Pain._ That's what it was. It still hurt, all these years later. She only had to hear his name to be brought back to those frantic moments struggling beneath the Chief's heavy, sweaty frame. Her cheeks grew hot with embarrassment just remembering the smirks on her colleagues's faces, how they had leered at her and made cruel jokes the next morning, as if the event had been broadcast to the entire precinct. Patton had been true to his word - he let Kim off the hook - but it seemed like Amanda had gotten all of the consequences instead.

Sonny looked a combination of furious and sad and she felt her heart swell in her chest. Amanda didn't know what to make of it - would it fade when he really thought about her role in it all? - but for the moment, his outrage was reassuring.

"Sometimes shit happens to you and you can't figure out why," she whispered. She hated the tremor in her voice, but she couldn't fight it. "In the past few years I finally came to this place where... where I was thinkin', 'maybe it happened so I can do this work better. Maybe my suffering can make me useful to others.' Other times, I still get so fucking angry. I don't even know who I'm mad at. Him? Me? Both? I don't know..."

He nodded solemnly, silently.

"I know this is a lot. I... if I'm bein' honest, I never planned on telling you. I... try not to think about it," Amanda admitted sheepishly.

"Why wouldn't you tell me?" he wondered.

"There are so many... things about me, stuff I'm not proud of, I just couldn't stomach bringing up something else. When I say this shit out loud, it's like, 'Jesus, Amanda. How many bad decisions can one person possibly make?'" she explained, tone filled with self-loathing.

Sonny raised his eyebrows. "Doin' what we do, don't you think I coulda handled it?"

"I know you can handle it. It's just, I don't want to be _handled_. I don't want you feelin' bad for me, or trying to fix me, or whatever." She added softly, "I just want you to want me."

"I do want you." He took a step closer to her. "I wanted you then and I want you now."

She didn't know what to say. "Okay," she eventually croaked.

Sonny reached for her. Amanda closed the space between them, her cheek pressed against his chest as she wrapped her arms around his bare torso and squeezed. The sensation of being held by him made tears sting her eyes, but she screwed them shut, preventing them from falling. She didn't know if she was relieved, frightened, grateful... she felt jumbled up, but at least Sonny was there to anchor her in the moment. Amanda only hoped that he would not let go.

* * *

"You didn't bring the baby?"

Kim Rollins sat across from Sonny and Amanda at a steel table in the crowded Riker's Island visiting room. She wore an orange jumpsuit as she looked expectantly at the two of them through the fringe of her bangs. Two weeks earlier, she had called Amanda and asked them to come on visiting day. Sonny had refused until the absolute last minute, still furious with Kim for robbing their house months earlier. Unsurprisingly, Amanda gave in to Kim's pleading, although she had no plans to tell her sister all of the things she undoubtedly wanted to hear.

"You think we'd bring a four-month-old to Riker's?" Sonny scoffed, arms crossed over his chest. Amanda could feel the tension radiating off of him; the burglary had really been the last straw in terms of his relationship with her sister.

"Kim," Amanda sighed. She already had a headache and was in desperate need of another cup of coffee. "Why did you want us here?"

"I wanted to apologize for what I did," her sister explained.

Amanda and Sonny were both silent.

"That prick you were with, he knows where we live," Sonny reminded her eventually.

Kim looked earnest. "He's locked up, too."

"What about any of his scumbag friends, huh?"

"I don't think so-"

" _You don't think so?_ " Sonny interrupted angrily. Unfolding his arms, he leaned in, a finger jabbing emphatically at the cold metal of the table's surface as he spoke, "I swear to God, Kim, if any of those thugs come anywhere near my kids, I'll-"

"Nobody's gonna bother you!" Kim cried, pouting like _she_ was the victim. Doe-eyed, she looked over at Amanda. "'Manda, tell him to calm down."

"Don't tell her what to do," Sonny snapped.

"She's my sister," she challenged him, appearing smug. "I can tell her whatever I want."

Sonny stood up abruptly, tossing his hands up in defeat. "I gotta take a walk," he announced before storming away. He was familiar enough with Riker's staff that they allowed him to breeze past them to escape into the hallway.

Amanda didn't stop him. Her eyes flickered around the busy room: the lingering corrections officers were already eyeing their table, suspicious of the raised voices. She didn't want any trouble; she was already resentful that she was spending her Saturday morning at Riker's Island and not with her children.

"He's real mad," Kim observed meekly.

She nodded. "Yeah, he is."

"I said I was sorry," her sister frowned.

"I appreciate that, but..."

"I'm back on my medication. I'm goin' to groups, and meetings..."

"That's good."

The two sisters stared at one another, quiet.

"It was just stuff, Amanda," Kim shrugged. "I wasn't tryin' to hurt you."

"It wasn't 'just stuff,' Kim," Amanda replied irritably. "You took my jewelry that belonged to grandma. I gave that watch you stole to Sonny for his birthday. And our guns - those are licensed to us by NYPD. They don't belong in anybody else's hands. Ever."

Her sister frowned. "Are you ever gonna forgive me?"

"I forgive you, Kim," she responded levelly. "But that doesn't change anything."

"What do you mean?"

"When you get out - and I'm not helpin' you with that - you need to do this on your own. I told you, I have to take care of my family now. I can't put you first."

" _I'm_ your family!" Kim exclaimed.

"You are, and I'm always gonna support you doing the right thing, but this is on you," she said quietly. "I can't let you stay with us, I'm not giving you money, I'm not making excuses for you... you've got a long way to go before you get my trust back."

"Can't I... can't I at least see the baby?" she pleaded.

"No." Amanda shook her head. She felt sad, but less so than she had imagined she would. "When I see you're doing better, maybe. But I have to _see_ it, not just hear you talk about it."

* * *

The spring was typically a busy time at SVU, but that afternoon, the squad room was relatively quiet. The visiting detectives milled around, poking through case files, trying to stay busy during the lull. Amanda's fingers were flying over her keyboard, trying to finish a report from two days ago. She only looked up from her computer when she felt somebody standing by her desk.

"Sergeant?" Officer Riley said. "This young lady needs to speak to someone." Beside him stood a pretty, young girl with long, straight black hair and perfectly porcelain skin. Her brown eyes darted anxiously around the bullpen as she rocked back and forth on the heels of her loafers.

"Hi." Amanda rose to her feet and offered the girl a small smile. "I'm Sergeant Rollins. How can I help you?"

"I'm Christina," the girl said, meeting Amanda's gaze only briefly. "Do I... can I talk to you somewhere more private? Please?"

"Of course." She glanced over at Dana, who was hovering eagerly. "Is it okay if Detective Sinclair over here comes with us?"

Christina nodded. "Sure. Yeah."

As Amanda led them both to an interview room, she was feeling rather proud of herself for willingly including Dana. She could have very easily shut her out - she wasn't obligated to have her shadow - but Amanda had come to realize that it took a lot more energy to be cold and aloof than it did to be open-minded - at least until Dana crossed her, and then she would definitely not hesitate to let her know her place.

Dana sat beside Amanda on one side of the table, while Christina sat at the other. It was silent for a moment, until Christina said, "I, um, need to report a rape. I... it was me. I was raped."

Amanda frowned. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Dana scribbling notes onto her notepad. "Okay... I'm sorry to hear that," she told her gently. "Who raped you?"

"My statistics professor, Elliott Daly," Christina explained. "I'm a student at Hudson..."

"What happened?" she asked.

"I'm there on scholarship. I'm failing stats. I just can't get it, it's hard for me to understand. My parents, they're from Vietnam. I'm the first one to go to college. They are so strict and so determined for me to be successful. They can barely support themselves, they are relying on me to do well and to help them financially." Her dark eyes studied the table's surface as she continued, "a few days ago, I went to Elliott's office hours and he told me he could help get my grade up... if I had sex with him."

"Did you agree?"

"Yes. I did. Last night. But I, I took it back."

"Tell me what happened."

"We had a drink at his place. We started kissing and undressing in his bedroom, but... he was way too rough. He tied me up, I... I realized I didn't want that. I told him 'no.' I know it's my fault that I agreed but, I took it back." Her voice became thick with tears, "I told him 'no.' I asked him to untie me but he wouldn't."

Amanda felt her throat tighten. Christina's guilt and shame was palpable; it reminded Amanda of her own. "How old are you, Christina?"

"I'm nineteen. I'm a sophomore," she replied. "I already looked it up in the Hudson handbook: it's frowned upon, but it's not technically against the rules to have personal relationships between professor and student as long as-"

"If you consented," she interrupted firmly. "You didn't consent."

Christina sniffled. "I did at first."

"At first. Then you didn't," Amanda clarified. "That makes a difference. Did you shower or go to the hospital since this happened?"

She shook her head. "I haven't done anything but cry, then I came here."

"We've gotta get you to Bellvue for a rape kit, okay?" she explained. "That's the first thing we need to do." She rose to her feet and Dana followed suit. "I'm gonna go talk to my Lieutenant, you just hang out here. Can I get you anything?"

Christina shook her head again and whispered, "no."

"We'll be right back, okay?" Amanda promised before the two of them left Christina alone in the interview room.

"This is kind of a stretch," Dana announced to the squad boldly.

Amanda raised her eyebrows in surprise. Fin looked up from his phone and Sonny put down his crossword puzzle. Liv, who was perched on the edge of Amanda's desk, appeared intrigued.

"What'd she say?" Liv asked.

"She had sex with her professor for a higher grade and now she's claiming rape," Dana told her.

"It's more than that," Amanda insisted, an edge of disdain in her voice. "She agreed to have sex with him, yeah, but then she got scared and took it back, said 'no,' and he raped her."

"This guy's reputation and career is gonna be destroyed 'cause she was hot and cold," Dana remarked incredulously. "That doesn't seem fair."

"Well, I don't think it's fair that men only hear what they want to, when they wanna hear it," she snapped. "She has the right to consent and then change her mind."

"She does, yeah, but it's a little iffy, her getting all the way to the point where she's tied up naked on his bed in his apartment..."

"It doesn't matter what stage they were at in the interaction. She said 'no.'"

"What did she think was gonna happen, agreeing to sex with him?" Dana said with an infuriating little laugh. "It sounds like two, consenting adults made an arrangement. A shady one, yeah, but..."

"It doesn't matter!" Amanda shouted before she could stop herself. "People make crappy decisions, that doesn't mean they deserve to be assaulted!"

The silence that followed was deafening. Liv's eyes were wide, Fin looked pained, and Sonny was intently studying his keyboard. The other visiting detectives seemed uncomfortable.

"I'm... gonna get some air," Amanda stammered before quickly walking away from the group. She kept her eyes on the floor as she moved, too embarrassed to meet anybody's gaze.

She didn't have the patience to wait for the elevator, so she pounded down three flights of stairs before bursting out onto the sidewalk. She pulled in a big gulp of air before exhaling shakily. She toyed with her lower lip while her other arm wrapped around her torso as she silently chastised herself, _after all this time, you still can't let this go?_

"'Manda? You okay?" came Fin's voice from the doorway a few minutes later.

"Yeah, I'm fine," she responded automatically.

"Hit a nerve?" he wondered.

"A little bit, yeah." Amanda turned and looked at him. "Sometimes I just wonder what it's like to be in the place to come at this stuff from such an... oblivious perspective. Like, has your life really been all sunshine and fuckin' rainbows? Is it _so_ hard to believe things like this happen? To imagine what it feels like to be Christina?"

Fin nodded. "Well, they are here for training..."

"I know. I know they are." She shut her eyes and shook her head, like she was trying to clear it. "Go back inside, Fin. I'm okay."

"Alright. If you say so..." he agreed hesitantly before disappearing into the precinct again.

 _Five minutes,_ Amanda thought to herself. _You have five minutes to pull yourself together. Then, you're going to go back inside and do your job, just like you do it every single day. He doesn't get to take that from you, not all these years later..._

* * *

Wrapped up in the soft jersey fabric of her gray bathrobe, Amanda stood in the master bathroom. Her hair was piled up on top of her head in a bun while she washed the make-up off of her face at the sink. She watched the mascara, eyeliner and concealer all swirl around the white porcelain until her skin was soft and clean. She was relieved that the day was finally over, and that she was safe inside of her house.

"'Manda?" Sonny's voice came from the other side of the ajar door.

"Yeah?" she replied against the fabric of her white face towel as she dried off her skin.

"Can we talk?" Inside the bathroom, Sonny leaned his back against the counter top next to her.

"About what?" She reached for her moisturizer and rubbed it between her palms before smoothing it onto her face.

"About what happened today," he clarified.

Amanda suppressed a sigh. "Okay."

He watched her at the sink, brow furrowed in obvious concern. "You seemed really pissed off."

She shook a little of her nighttime face serum into her hand, then swiped it under her eyes. She was always hoping that one day, it would magically make her look less tired. "I just didn't appreciate the insinuation that what happened was that girl's fault." She set the small bottle back down.

"I know. That... wasn't good," he agreed, the cringe on his features evident in his tone.

Bowing her head slightly, Amanda traced an absent pattern against the cool marble surface of the counter. She _did_ feel embarrassed by her outburst; she didn't want anybody thinking she couldn't handle certain kinds of cases because of what had happened with Chief Patton years ago. Maybe if it hadn't been Dana challenging her - pretty, pristine Dana - she wouldn't have had such an impassioned reaction. The woman had only been echoing the thoughts that so many non-SVU officers spoke day after day. "I get it, though," she finally concluded, because she did. Dana was lucky enough not to share in Amanda and Christina's experience. "Not everybody can relate."

"Hey..." Sonny said quietly. He turned and extended an arm over her shoulders and gently squeezed them. "I love you, babe."

She peered over at him and offered a wan smile. "I love you, too."

His hand soothed up and down her upper arm. "You comin' to bed?"

"Yeah," she nodded. "In a second."

When he left, Amanda looked at herself in the mirror and sighed. Her life was so much different now than it had been years ago when she had entangled herself with Patton, but that day, it still felt brand new. Her assault didn't cross her mind often, but when it did, it consumed all of her senses. She could smell him, she could taste him, she could feel the warmth of her own blood trickling down the back of her neck. It was vivid; it was terrifying. It made her angry that Patton still played even the tiniest role in her life, but while that memory resurfaced on occasion, at least Amanda wasn't a prisoner to her fear.

Leaving the bathroom, Amanda pulled her hair out of the bun and shrugged off her robe. The only light left on was the one by the bed, and Sonny was already beneath the sheets when she crawled into the covers on her side of the mattress. Back to him, she reached up to shut off the lamp. Everything was dark except the glow of the baby monitor, which showcased Ruby asleep in her crib. Every now and then, the infant made a little squeak or whine before quieting again.

Amanda couldn't seem to keep her eyes shut, restless despite her exhaustion. "Sonny?" she said into the darkness.

"Hm?" he grunted in response.

She chewed on her lower lip. "Hold me for a little?" she asked meekly.

She felt Sonny move so his back was pressed up against her chest. He draped an arm over her, slotted a knee between hers, and pressed a kiss into her shoulder. He didn't say anything, but she didn't need him to.


	38. Chapter 38

**AN:** 1) Sorry I'm slow at updating lately, I'm taking a huuugge licensing exam on Feb 13 and need to study! 2) Warning: **there is gun violence in here.**

* * *

 _we put a crack in the shadows / and you tell me it's okay to be the light_

* * *

Amanda drove the squad car back to Manhattan with Dana in the passenger's seat. They had left Hudson University's campus a half hour ago after talking to administrative staff about Christina's case. Dana had been mostly silent, much to Amanda's relief; she didn't want them to get into a squabble about consent with already wary audience. The two detectives hadn't discussed Amanda's explosive reaction to Dana's skepticism about Christina, but she didn't want to bring it up again. Years ago, she would have jumped at the chance to start a disagreement. Resentful of everyone and everything more often than not, Amanda was always searching for an easy target for her anger, like winning a fight would somehow satisfy the emptiness inside of her. Now, she didn't have the energy. Her life consisted of things that left her pleasantly exhausted, but more importantly - fulfilled.

The May afternoon was warm, so Amanda let her free arm dangle out of her open window as she drove. She cast a glance over at Dana, who was intently studying the scenery - and most likely doing everything in her power not to look at Amanda. It made her feel a little guilty, which was surprising, since she typically didn't put much stock into what people thought of her. She knew sometimes she came across as cold, the last remnants of the armor that protected her during the tumultuous years of her upbringing and far beyond, but she didn't want anybody labeling her as heartless.

"It must be nice out like this in LA all the time," Amanda mused.

"Yeah," Dana responded.

"I miss that," she went on, hoping to start a conversation. "It was like that in Georgia, too."

"Uh huh."

"I hate the winter. I'm definitely in the wrong place. Snow is pretty for a little while till it gets all dirty..."

Dana didn't say anything.

Amanda pulled in a deep breath. She could stop talking, or she could simply confront the palpable tension. Blue eyes flickered over to briefly study the other woman's stoic profile. "Do you have a problem with me?"

"Huh?" Dana finally turned to look at her.

"Do you have a problem with me?" she repeated slowly.

"No..." Her uneasy tone was hardly convincing.

"Look," Amanda sighed. "This is awkward for the both of us, isn't it?"

"I just..." Dana crossed her arms over her chest and stared straight ahead, out the windshield. "You know, what Sonny and I had, it wasn't some silly little fling. It was a serious relationship."

She felt a nauseating jolt of jealousy and protectiveness that she wanted to act upon. The satisfaction would be brief, but God, would it feel good to put Dana in her place. Amanda pressed her lips together in an attempt to keep something sarcastic or cruel from coming out of her mouth. "Okay..."

"I just want you to know that," Dana concluded haughtily.

"I never said it was silly. Or little. Or, whatever. But... this is the way it is now," Amanda told her carefully. Stopping at a red light, she looked over at her. "I'm sorry if I... I didn't mean to freak out at you the other day, it's just-"

"I know," Dana interrupted. "I know what you did. I read the case."

 _I know what you did._ Amanda's fingers gripped the steering wheel tightly in an effort to ground herself. She could feel heat creeping up from her neck to her cheeks, a combination of anger and embarrassment. She pressed her tongue against the back of her front teeth, suppressing the urge to lash out at the woman beside her. "Yeah."

They drove the rest of the way back to the precinct in silence.

* * *

Amanda dropped from her elbows to lay onto her stomach while Sonny rolled dramatically onto his back beside her on their mattress. Breathless and skin sticky with sweat, she rested a cheek on her folded up arms to study Sonny's profile in the darkness of the bedroom. She felt his hand move over a few inches and give her ass an affectionate squeeze, prompting a satisfied grin to tug at the corners of Amanda's mouth. At six-thirty in the morning, the sun had barely risen, but they had been awake for almost an hour already. Seven o'clock would come quickly- and so would the task of tending to three children - so the moments stolen before the controlled chaos were important. Amanda loved when their sleepy bodies found one another beneath the sheets, everything moving in slow motion until it became all delicious desperation. It was her ideal way to start the day.

Even so: something was off. She felt oddly uneasy despite the fun she had just had. There was an unsettled sensation in her stomach, as if she was apprehensive about something but she didn't know _what._ "I have a weird feeling," Amanda announced.

"Oh, yeah, that's exactly what I wanna hear after sex," Sonny responded sarcastically.

"No, no, not that. That was great," Amanda insisted hastily, honestly. "It's just... you know when you get a feeling, like something's gonna be... off about the day?"

"Nope," he answered bluntly.

Amanda rolled her eyes. "Well, I have that feeling."

Turning his head, Sonny raised both eyebrows. "Ruby's really made you crazy, y'know that?"

Reaching a hand out, she shoved his arm. "You used to trust my instincts," she scoffed.

"I do trust your instincts!" he yelped, flinching at the impact. "This just feels kinda... ominous. Am I gonna be hit by lightening or run over by a bus or something?"

"No. Just... be careful today."

"You wanna read my palm or-"

She whacked his arm again, harder this time.

"Okay, okay!" he laughed as he squirmed away from her slightly. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 'Course I'll be careful." He rolled over onto his side to face her. "Would you rather be goin' to work than takin' the kids to the dentist?"

"That's a ridiculous question," she grumbled.

"It was your turn," Sonny reminded her.

"I know," Amanda sighed as she moved to lay on her back.

He shifted his body over hers, entangling their legs and resting his weight in his forearms on either side of her head. His skin was warm and his hair was wild, the strands damp and unruly. He kissed her. "I'll make it up to you later."

"Promise?" she murmured.

He smiled against her mouth. "I promise."

Lifting her hands, she slowly and gently raked her fingernails up and down Sonny's bare sides. She shifted her hips, allowing one of her legs to snake around his. Tilting her chin up again, Amanda grazed her lips against his. "Tell me you love me."

"I love you." Another kiss.

"Tell me I'm the best wife you've ever had," she went on playfully.

Sonny chuckled. "You're the best everything I've ever had."

"You're just sayin' that," Amanda pouted coquettishly.

"No way." He sprawled out on top of her, then nuzzled his face into the crook of her neck. "I wish I could just stay in bed with you all day."

"Mm. I wish that, too," she agreed, comforted by the warm weight of his frame.

Unfortunately, that wasn't an option. Eventually they both untangled themselves from the sheets and one another, and while Sonny got into the shower, Amanda pulled on track shorts and a t-shirt. She crept into Ruby's nursery to find the baby smiling in her crib, arms and legs wiggling happily.

"Hey, pretty girl," Amanda cooed as she lifted Ruby up into her arms. "Let's get you ready for the day, huh?"

She went through the motions of changing and dressing Ruby in a striped pink onesie, knowing very well that the baby would most likely require an outfit swap at least once before leaving for the day. The amount of laundry their household produced was astounding _without_ an infant, but once Ruby had been born, it seemed to be never-ending. After popping a pacifier in Ruby's mouth, Amanda toted her across the hall to Jesse's room, where she found her older daughter awake in bed, Fluffy sleeping at her feet.

"Hey, you," Amanda greeted her from the door way. "Want some waffles?"

Jesse yawned and haphazardly rubbed her eyes. "Uh huh."

"Come down stairs when you're ready," she told her.

Moving down the hallway, Amanda carefully opened the door to Luca's bedroom next, bracing herself for what she might find. She was pleasantly surprised to see the toddler sitting on the rug amid piles of Legos and toy cars, playing alone.

"Morning, Lu. You hungry?" she asked.

He nodded. "Yes."

"Come downstairs with me, I'll fix you something." Amanda motioned for Luca to get up, and when he did, he pressed close against her leg in a hug. She smoothed a hand over his head, smoothing the disheveled blonde strands. "Good job playin' by yourself and being nice and quiet," she praised him as they began to walk downstairs together. For the past few months, he had been waking up obscenely early and barging into their room like a human alarm clock. Not only did it scare both Amanda and Sonny out of their skin, it also made them both incredibly irritable when they were forced to start their day at four in the morning.

Once they were down on the first floor, Amanda set Ruby on her stomach on her play mat on the adjoining living room floor so she could watch her and cook simultaneously. She assembled a pot of coffee with Luca hovering at her feet before she situated him in his booster seat at the island with a sippy cup filled with milk. Frannie immediately relocated to underneath his chair, anticipating that the toddler would inevitably drop some crumbs her way.

Waffles were one of the few things Amanda could assemble successfully - mostly because the boxed mix only required her to add water, then slop the batter onto a waffle iron. She usually didn't have time for it given how chaotic their weekday mornings were, and on the weekends, Sonny made real breakfast or they went out. Since she didn't have to go into the precinct and Jesse wasn't going to school, it afforded them the opportunity for a more leisurely meal. She began to pile up a stack of fluffy waffles onto a plate on the counter while Luca happily slammed his sippy cup around and Ruby cooed and gurgled on her play mat. Eventually, Jesse padded down the stairs and climbed up the empty stool at the island.

"Can I have whipped cream on mine?" the little girl asked.

Amanda furrowed her brow in skepticism. "What? No. It's breakfast, not dessert."

"Nana does it for me," Jesse pouted.

"She spoils you."

"How come I don't have school?"

"Because you have a dentist appointment at eleven and you only woulda had a half day anyway. You always have half days on Friday."

"Oh."

Amanda doled out waffles for both children, taking care to cut up Luca's in more manageable pieces for him to eat. She scooped Ruby up from her mat before she started to fuss, then poured two cups of coffee with her free hand. She added cream and sugar to them both, then eagerly took a sip of the warm, caffeinated liquid. Soon Ruby would need to be fed, meaning Amanda would have to sacrifice the ability to drink her coffee until the baby was sated.

Sonny's heavy footsteps came bounding down the stairs and he appeared dressed for work in sleek blue suit. "Mornin'."

"Waffles, dada," Luca announced, holding up his fork.

"I see that!" he responded enthusiastically, as if it was the most exciting thing he had ever witnessed. Moving further into the kitchen, he kissed the top of Jesse's head, then Luca's, then Ruby's before giving Amanda a peck on the lips. He reached around her, snatched up a waffle from the plate on the counter and bit into it.

"How about a fork?" Amanda suggested with a roll of her eyes. "Or a plate?"

"Nope. Don't have time for that," he answered her thickly, mouth full. "Good though."

She pulled open the refrigerator for one of Ruby's bottles, which she had wisely assembled the night before. She shook it up before guiding it into the baby's mouth.

"Everybody's gonna be on their best behavior at the dentist, right?" Sonny asked Jesse and Luca from over the rim of his mug of coffee.

"Yes," Jesse promised sweetly as she licked maple syrup off of her fingers.

"Luca?" He raised an eyebrow expectantly at the toddler.

"Uh huh," Luca nodded.

"How about you, Ruby?" Sonny asked playfully, reaching a hand out to squeeze one of the baby's small feet.

"She doesn't have tooths! She's a little baby!" Jesse giggled.

Sonny nodded with an amused grin. " _Ohhh_ , right, right." He took a few more big sips of coffee before saying to Amanda, "alright, I gotta go. You know how the F train's been a real pain in the ass lately."

"Mm." She adjusted the baby in her arms as she continued to drain her bottle. "Call me later."

"Yep." He slid past her, a hand grazing her lower back as he moved to retrieve his coat. "Love ya."

Amanda smiled. "Love you."

"Have a good day, guys," he called to the kids from the hallway. "See you later."

* * *

With his feet up on his desk, Fin asked, "what'd you do with Rollins?"

"She's takin' Luca and Jesse to the dentist," Sonny explained, eyes drifting over the sports section of the Ledger.

Fin snorted. "She lose a bet?"

Lifting his gaze, he smirked. "I had to take them to the doctor last month. Our agreement is that nobody gets tortured twice in a row, if we can help it."

"Hey, everybody?" came Liv's voice as she suddenly burst out of her office. She looked frazzled, phone in one hand, glasses in another. "Everybody listen up," she called out into the bullpen.

The authority in her voice commanded attention. People stopped, turned, and looked at the Lieutenant anxiously - Sonny included. He set his newspaper down on top of his desk to give her his complete focus.

"There's a report of an active shooter at PS 77," Liv explained breathlessly.

"That's only a few blocks away," Fin realized, taking his feet off of his desk and sitting up straighter in his chair.

"We're the closest precinct," she went on. "The call came from somebody inside but we don't know details. The reception is bad in there, the call was dropped. We've gotta go. Vests on, everybody. Obviously."

Sonny had responded to a lot of horrific things as a police officer. Viscous murders, gruesome car accidents, and of course, abominable sexual violence were all part of the job of being in law enforcement. The experiences rented space in his head, but over the years he had learned the importance of compartmentalizing. Sonny loved life - _his_ life in particular - and didn't want his job to cloud all of the good things he was lucky enough to have. He had seen too many colleagues fall prey to those demons, haunted so severely by the trauma they had witnessed that it eroded the edges of even the happiest events.

Nothing could have prepared him for what he saw in PS 77.

When they stormed through the front doors of the school, they found the foyer littered with the shells of bullets and eerily quiet. A middle-aged woman lay dead behind the reception desk. Another was lifeless on the floor near by. As officers fanned out through out the building to locate the shooter, they broke open the first classroom door on the left side of the hallway and discovered a horrifying scene: the bodies of small children were everywhere among turned over desks and chairs, none of them moving, nobody talking. There was an adult, a young blonde woman who had to be their teacher, her blood draining from her head onto the colorful play mat at the center of the room.

"Oh my God," Sonny breathed, frozen in the doorway as he watched fellow officers race from child to child, frantically checking for any signs of life - twelve separate times. They moved aside pigtails and bowl cuts and shoved clumsily-made friendship bracelets away from wrists. They darted around the room in sickening silence; there was nobody to yell for because there was nobody left to save.

He felt like his feet were trapped in cement, his gun hanging loosely at his side, people rushing around him hastily. He couldn't stop staring at the bodies on the floor, at the kids. Their eyes were bright and wide, their little hands still clung to colored pencils and lined paper, and if it hadn't been for the vivid red blood, it would almost look like they were merely frozen in time. Sonny couldn't help but think: when those children were stumbling out of bed that morning, bleary-eyed and eager for breakfast, none of them could have ever anticipated that their life would end in their first grade classroom. Death didn't make sense to children, so how could they succumb to it? What did God want with a slew of innocent five-year-olds - while adult murderers, rapists and terrorists remained alive and well?

Someone would have to tell their parents.

Sonny felt a wave of nausea at the realization; he did not want to be that person. It was different if a child died of a disease or in an accident, because while there may not be a good explanation for those events, there was no malice involved in that sort of tragedy. This, on the other hand, was murder. It was cold, cruel and calculated. It was a violation of a space that was supposed to be kind and nurturing, an act intended to cause an intense pain that lingered as people asked _why?_ and never, ever received an answer.

A door at the back of the classroom was ajar. It was Fin who looked beyond it to find another space littered with the lifeless forms of six more children and two adults. "This is him, we got him!" Sonny heard Fin shout. "He's dead. Bastard shot himself. Got his semiautomatic right beside him."

Sonny didn't want to see the perpetrator. Instead, he turned around and sprinted down the hall to the next room, but found it locked. Back up officers were beginning to swarm the building, but he didn't ask for their help. He slammed his shoulder against the door to force it open and found an empty classroom, although books were on the floor and chairs were tipped over, indicating that people had left in a hurry.

"NYPD! Anybody in here?" he called cautiously.

Nobody responded.

He progressed further into the space cautiously. He felt his heartbeat quicken when he noticed that there was a closed door at the back of the room; anything could have been behind it. He banged on it with his fist and tried the locked knob in vain. He kept his gun at the ready as he shouldered his way in; Fin may have found a shooter, but that didn't mean there wasn't more than one. The door swung open with a loud 'crack,' revealing a three-stall restroom. Huddled on the floor was a group of ten children, all of them wide-eyed and afraid, clinging to one another as they cowered. Their teacher, a young brunette woman, dropped to the ground in front of them with her arms outstretched, as if that would somehow protect them from a spray of bullets. They all shrieked in response to Sonny's violent entrance.

"It's okay, it's okay! I'm the police. You're okay," Sonny explained hurriedly, eyes wide in surprise as he lowered his weapon and shoved it back into the holster at his hip. "Hey, we got kids alive in here!" he yelled over his shoulder, hoping somebody in the hallway would hear him. "Everybody up, okay?" he instructed the group, trying to keep his voice level. The wheels in his mind were turning frantically as he tried to devise a plan. "I'm gonna get you outta here. Everybody... everybody hold somebody's hand and, and we're gonna walk. We're gonna walk outside but we're gonna keep our eyes closed while we do it, okay? Can we all do that?"

The teacher rose to her feet, instructing her students shakily, "come on, guys. Come on, stand up."

The group of children hesitantly joined her, but none of them moved.

"We gotta be quick, okay?" Sonny explained.

"Like a... like a bunny?" a red-headed girl asked timidly.

He felt his heart jump into his throat. Amanda used to say that to Jesse when she was younger and Sonny had always found it sweet. _You gotta be quick like a bunny!_ she would remind the perpetually-distracted toddler. _Move that cute little tail!_ "Yeah. Yeah, like a bunny." He managed a smile, "what's your name?"

"Erin," she told him.

"Erin? That's a nice name. I'm Sonny," he replied gently. He heard shouting and a stampede of footsteps echoing outside of the classroom and tried to ignore it. Somebody yelled, _we're all clear!_ , but it didn't offer the relief Sonny anticipated it would have. Short of shoving the kids out of a too-small window, he would have to navigate the carnage in the hallway with all of the students in tow. He didn't know what had transpired in the minutes he had been in that bathroom, but he was confident none of it was pretty. It was bad enough that the children had violently lost their peers, he didn't want them to have to witness the horrible aftermath, too. They would be traumatized forever. "Now, Erin, you're gonna hold my hand and we'll start the line, okay?" he instructed the little girl. "But when I say shut your eyes, everybody does it, okay? Shut your eyes and just keep walkin'."

Erin looked to her teacher for reassurance, then nodded.

"I want you at the end of the line, alright?" Sonny told the teacher.

"Okay, everybody. Let's do what the nice police officer says," the woman said, tone filled with a lightness that was betrayed by a quiver in her voice. "I'll be right behind you."

Slowly, the children took one another's hand to form a sloppy line. Their teacher held onto the last little boy, while Sonny gripped Erin's small fingers tightly. "Okay, that's a great line. I can tell you guys have done this before, huh?" Sonny praised them with all the brightness he could muster. "Here we go." He began to guide the string of children through the classroom toward the doorway. "Eyes closed, everybody. Don't open them till I say."

The hallway seemed to go on forever. The school was crawling with SWAT officers and EMTs in addition to all of the people who had come from the 16th precinct, all of them darting in and out of rooms, checking for survivors. Flanked by law enforcement, adults and children sprinted ahead of them, desperate for the front door. Sonny kept a firm grip on Erin's hand, especially as they passed the classroom where so many of her young peers lay dead and the front foyer where two administrators were lifeless, too. He kept looking back at the line he was leading, the first graders blindly following him, tripping over one another as they did their best to follow his directions. Even with their eyes closed, they all looked terrified.

When they were finally outside, they were met with chaos. Not only were the police everywhere, but the media and public had begun to surround the site despite the hastily assembled _POLICE LINE - DO NOT CROSS_ tape. It was Dana and Liv who helped shuttle the children into the nearest SWAT van, crowding them all into the vehicle to shield them from the scene. None of Sonny's colleagues were looking one another in the eye, just going through the frantic motions of good police work. Their feelings were too much to add to the pandemonium; their role was to be strong in the midst of a public tragedy.

Sonny could see people gathering on the other side of the yellow caution tape, hysterical as they begged officers maintaining the perimeter for information about the well-being of their own child. He closed his eyes briefly in an attempt to steady himself, but all he saw were flashing images of those small, bullet-riddled bodies. Were there more? Had they missed somebody?

He had to go back inside.

* * *

"Mine!" Luca exclaimed, hands greedily grabbing at all of the magazines on the waiting room table in the Midtown dentist's office. "Mine... mine... these mine."

"Luca, no. Don't mess all those up," Amanda pleaded, scrambling up from her seat to keep the toddler from destroying everything he touched. Grabbing him beneath both of his arms, she hoisted him up so she could set him on her lap once she found her chair again. "C'mon. You've just gotta hang in there till Jesse is done." She smoothed a hand over his mass of blonde hair and tilted her head to look down at him. "What should we get for lunch, huh?"

He toyed with one of the strings of her navy zip-up. "Ice cream."

"Ice cream?" Amanda repeated with a laugh. "Not after we just got those teeth scrubbed."

Eyes on Ruby asleep in her stroller, Amanda kept Luca contained until Jesse reappeared, the little girl's t-shirt covered in animal stickers.

"I did a good job!" Jesse explained, puffing out her chest so her mother could admire all of her rewards.

She raised both of her eyebrows at the sight. "Wow, you leave any for anybody else?"

Jesse shrugged. "Mama, can we visit daddy and Fin at work?"

"I don't know, Jesse... they might be busy."

" _Pleeeease?_ "

"I don't-"

" _Pleeeease?_ "

"Alright, fine. For a few minutes. Then we gotta go, your sister is gonna get hungry."

It was a short and familiar train ride to the station, and once they were all in the elevator that brought them up to the precinct's third floor, Amanda asked Jesse and Luca, "remember the rules about bein' at mama and daddy's work?"

"Keep hands to yourself and use our... inside voice," Jesse recited.

When the silver doors slid open, the precinct was remarkably empty. Luca held onto Amanda's hand while Jesse hovered at the side of Ruby's stroller as they approached Officer Riley at the front desk. Tim Riley was nearing retirement and content to remain in the squad room as opposed to running around on cases or doing patrol. Amanda had always liked him because he was kind and even-keeled. He was confident enough in his thirty years of experience to only interject when his knowledge could be helpful, not just to hear the sound of his own voice.

"Hey, Rollins," Officer Riley greeted her. "What are you doing here on a day off?"

"We just came by for a quick visit..." She looked around, confused. "Where is everybody?"

"Ah, there's been..." Riley looked uneasy as he trailed off, his gaze flickering between the two older children.

Amanda got the hint. "Hey, Jesse? Take your brother over to play at mama's desk, okay? Don't break anything," she instructed, giving them both a nudge in the right direction. Once they were out of earshot, she looked at her colleague expectantly.

"PS 77 had an active shooter. Didn't you see the news?" Riley replied, voice low.

Her eyes widened in shock. "Oh, no... no, I was at the dentist with the kids then we got right on the train..."

"Everybody who responded is fine," he assured her quickly. "But..."

"But?"

He grimaced. "There's a lot of fatalities. So far there's sixteen kids dead."

Her stomach turned. "Oh, my God. What the hell happened?"

"Dunno yet. Shooter is dead, though." He sighed and shook his head dejectedly. "I feel bad for those visiting detectives, having to be a part of all this. We're the closest precinct, so we were the first to respond."

Amanda couldn't imagine the chaos that was happening mere blocks away. Sixteen fatalities was huge, and the fact that they were school-aged children? That sort of devastation was profound. Most likely SWAT was involved by now, providing back up for all of the 16th precinct officers, but Amanda felt an obligation to help her coworkers: "I should get down there."

"Rollins, don't hurt me for saying this," Riley began gently. He glanced over his shoulder at Jesse and Luca, then back at Amanda with noticeable sadness in his eyes. "But... I don't think you wanna go. The kids he killed, they're young, like yours. All the media and the parents, they are all starting to show up and getting news on who's alive or dead. I'm not saying you can't handle it, but... maybe you should be glad this is your day off."

She met the older man's gaze. Usually, a comment like that would have set Amanda's blood boiling, insulted by the insinuation that her role as a mother meant she couldn't handle things just like any other police officer. That day, however, she felt oddly relieved. So often she wanted to be right in the middle of the action, but absolutely nothing sounded exciting about bearing witness to such a tragedy. Her stomach twisted at the thought of those children, of their parents, and her soft-hearted husband in the middle of it all.


	39. Chapter 39

**AN:** I don't watch football. So, here's an update.

* * *

 _I will carry your share for us / no matter how bad the storm_

* * *

Amanda woke up suddenly at one thirty in the morning.

Buried beneath the sheets, she was curled up on her side in bed. Moments earlier, she had been sound asleep, but an unconscious thought of Sonny jolted her awake. She rolled over quickly; the space beside her was empty. She scrambled into a seated position and grabbed her phone off of her bedside table. A message sent from Sonny at eleven thirty read _on my way home_. Amanda could hear the distant sound of the television playing downstairs, prompting her to crawl out of the confines of their bed to pad out into the hallway. Dressed only in an oversized NYPD t-shirt, she made her way to the first floor. The living room was dim except for the glow of the television. Sonny was on the couch, sleeves rolled up and tie loosened, his feet resting on the coffee table next to his badge and gun. A glass of whiskey dangled from one hand as he stared at the screen, seemingly hypnotized.

"Sonny, you should have woken me up," Amanda said quietly, scurrying over to his side. "I tried to stay up. I didn't hear you come home."

He flinched in surprise, startled by her voice, then visibly relaxed at the sight of her. "I didn't wanna wake you. I figured you were tired."

She sunk down close to him on the couch and asked anxiously, "how was... everything?"

"Exactly as terrible as you'd expect," he replied before taking a sip of his drink. He kept his eyes straight ahead. "We didn't get outta there till ten dealin' with all the aftermath, tryin' to figure out who belonged to who, trackin' down parents and tellin' them... the coroner and the medical examiner are still there, they were finally movin' the bodies when I left."

"Any idea about the guy who did it?"

"Some nobody. No sheet, gun was legal. No one at the school recognized him. Looks like he was just some crazy person lookin' for a sick kinda notoriety before he killed himself."

Gaze downcast, she fiddled with her fingers in her lap. "How many...?"

Sonny exhaled. "Seventeen kids from two first-grade classrooms. Five adults."

Swallowing hard, Amanda lifted her eyes to study Sonny's stoic profile. "D'you wanna... talk about it?"

He shook his head. "No."

She bit her tongue to resist begging him to speak. He wasn't ready, but selfishly, Amanda wanted to hear his voice to relieve some of the heaviness in the pit of her own stomach. She hadn't been a part of it all, but it was hard to remain unaffected when a tragedy hit so close to home, both literally and figuratively. After a moment of quiet, she set a hand on Sonny's thigh and squeezed gently. "Why don't you come up to bed? It's late."

"I think I'm gonna watch TV for awhile," Sonny responded.

"Okay..." Lifting her hand from his leg, Amanda reached over and cupped his cheek with her palm. She placed a kiss at the corner of his mouth. "Love you."

"Love you, too," he told her before she disappeared upstairs to return to bed alone.

* * *

The week went by painfully slow. The PS 77 tragedy cast a particular pallor over NYPD - specifically the 16th precinct. It had been awhile since they had been involved in an event of such a terrible magnitude. The perpetrator was dead by his own gun, but then came the process of talking to collateral contacts in an effort to figure out _why._ Then there was the inevitable internal investigation: One PP immediately began to dissect the events of the day to analyze the details of the police's response from the moment the 9-1-1 call was received. The public would want to know if protocol was followed, if they could do better next time, and if law enforcement had any new ideas about preventing all-too-frequent school shootings.

All Amanda cared about was Sonny. Usually full of energy and enthusiasm, lately he was withdrawn and quiet. At night she could feel him tossing and turning in bed beside her, then hear his heavy footsteps as he left their room to watch television in the living room instead. When they spoke, the typical lightness and affection was absent, because Sonny always seemed distracted. His patience was minimal and he got agitated easily, which was totally uncharacteristic of the man who usually tolerated just about everything with a smile and a clever remark. Amanda spent the week treading lightly, trying her best to be patient and understanding, but as days went by it became more and more difficult for her to remain silent. She had endured her fair share of work-related stress, she knew how discombobulating it could be, but now she was on the receiving end and didn't quite know what to do with it. It was hard not to take it personally, the way Sonny dismissed and seemingly looked right through her. It left her feeling perpetually unsettled.

"Are we gonna see the dinosaurs tomorrow?" Jesse asked Sonny, hopping around in front of the television on Saturday night.

Amanda's eyes flickered up from her laptop, where she worked at the island in the adjoining kitchen.

From his spot on the couch, Sonny craned his head, trying to see the screen around the little girl's bouncing form. "Huh?"

"You said on the weekend, on the weekend we could go to the place with the dinosaurs," she reminded him.

He furrowed his brow and took a sip of his beer. "Oh, the museum? Tomorrow? I don't think so."

"The day after?"

"No, probably not."

"Please, can we go?" Jesse whined, her little arms flailing at her side. "You _promised_."

"I said _no_ , Jesse. Let it go, would ya?" he snapped irritably.

Even though it wasn't directed at her, the sharp tone of Sonny's voice stung Amanda; her breath caught in her chest in surprise. Wide-eyed, she watched Jesse's lower lip puff out and her little nose scrunch before she ran from the living room to scamper up the stairs. Frannie, who had been at Sonny's side, jumped up from the couch to chase after her. Amanda closed her laptop, got up from her stool, then bounded up the steps to follow her daughter. In the hallway, she gently rapped her knuckles against Jesse's closed bedroom door.

"Jesse? It's your mama," she called through the wood. "Can I come in?"

"Uh huh," came the little girl's muffled voice.

Amanda let herself inside and shut the door behind her. She frowned at the sight of Jesse, who was sitting on the edge of her bed, her head hung. "You okay?"

She shook her head, eyes on the floor. "Daddy's mad at me."

Sighing, Amanda sat down next to Jesse. "He's not mad at you."

"He used a mad voice," she mumbled.

"He didn't mean to." She toyed with Jesse's long hair as she tried to think of a way to explain the situation when she couldn't really figure it out herself. "He's just... he didn't mean to."

Jesse sniffled.

"I'll take you to the museum tomorrow, how about that?" Amanda told her, hand drifting from her hair to give her back a reassuring rub. "Just you and me."

The little girl lifted her head and shook it, her mouth in a pout and her brown eyes wet with tears. "I wanna go with daddy."

Her answer didn't surprise Amanda; Jesse and Sonny had always found science and history way more interesting than she ever had. "Alright, well. Let me go talk with him, okay?"

Amanda walked down the steps quietly to find Sonny in the exact same spot she had left him in. Arms crossed over her chest, she stood deliberately in front of the television in the position Jesse had occupied moments earlier. "You were kinda harsh on her, Sonny."

Sonny met her narrow gaze. "Well, she wasn't listenin'. She never lets stuff go."

"She's five," she reminded him. "I think you should apologize."

"I'm not gonna apologize for askin' her to listen to me," he scoffed.

She rolled her eyes. "You didn't ask, you told."

"That's the beauty of bein' a parent, isn't it?" he snorted sarcastically.

"Whatever, Sonny." For the first time that evening, her eyes drifted to the coffee table, which was now littered with empty beer bottles and a short glass that held only a melting ice cube. "You wanna slow down a little?" she said irritably, not entirely sure if she was more concerned or pissed off. "We're supposed to be at your sister's at ten tomorrow and I'd rather you not be half in the bag."

"Relax, it's Saturday," Sonny insisted. "I'm fine."

"You aren't fine," she challenged him. "You're bein' a real jerk."

Sonny averted his eyes, looking as annoyed as Amanda felt.

"Hey, pay attention to me," Amanda demanded, her cheeks heating up with her agitation. She could feel her heart beat quickening, knowing she wasn't going to be able to tip-toe around his change in demeanor any longer. "You've been a prick for the past week and I've tolerated it, but it's getting old. What the hell is going on with you?"

His jaw twitched, but he remained silent.

"Is this about, are you upset about the school? Is it still botherin' you?" Amanda went on, her voice softer and gentler as she grew desperate. "I get it, Sonny, I do but... you haven't said a word to me about it."

"I don't have anything to say about it," he finally replied.

"I'm a cop and I'm your wife. Don't you think you can talk to me?" she pleaded. "You've always talked to me."

"Maybe I don't _feel_ like talkin'."

"You're always up my ass to talk about my feelings-"

"Right, and sometimes you don't wanna. So... I don't want to."

Taken aback by his response, Amanda swallowed down the lump that was forming in her throat. She gritted her teeth, on the edge of using his words as an excuse to initiate a colossal argument, tempted to make Sonny feel as hurt as she did. In fact, she wanted to pick up one of the beer bottles and hurl it at his head - and maybe years ago, she would have. She had worked very hard at controlling her reactions to things, to think before she spoke, but this was the most challenging test to Amanda's impulse control to date. She wanted to be a partner to Sonny and to be supportive for better or for worse, but it was so much harder to do than than their marriage vows had ever indicated.

Despite the anger and confusion that was burning in her gut, Amanda lifted two shaky palms up in defeat. "Alright. Okay," she whispered. "You don't have to talk to me."

* * *

When Monday morning came, Amanda was relieved to go into work. SVU provided a distraction from the tension she was trying to navigate at home. She and Sonny moved around one another in the precinct as they always did - focused on their individual tasks and not their private relationship - which meant she could pretend everything was normal for a few hours. Spring was one of SVU's busiest season, so there was no shortage of work for her to do, either. It was barely ten a.m. when Amanda had just finished interviewing her third witness of the day; a Midtown bar fight had morphed into an aggravated rape the night before. In the hallway, she was on her way to talk to Fin when she paused outside of interview room two, the ajar door allowing her to hear the familiar voices of Sonny and Dana.

"...bet you're glad to go back to LA next week," she heard Sonny say.

"Kinda, yeah," Dana replied.

"You holdin' up okay?" he wondered. "Last week was rough."

"I'm okay. How about you, though?" she asked. "You've got that look."

Sonny chuckled. "What look?"

"Y'know. That look you get when you've got stuff on your mind," Dana explained.

"Ah. Well, yeah," he admitted. "It's just... I haven't gotten a lotta sleep since all this happened."

"Me neither." Dana heaved a sigh. "I was trying to explain it to my sister, but..."

"It's hard to talk about it with people who haven't been there," Sonny concluded. "It's a lot to... put on another person."

"Yeah. Well, at least we know we can always talk to one another." The smile was evident in Dana's voice.

Notebook pressed to her chest, Amanda's feet carried her back into the squad room, as if they knew before her brain that she did not want to hear the rest of that conversation. In that brief instant, Sonny had spoken more words to Dana than he had uttered to her in a week. Bile rose up in her throat as she wondered, _is he having an affair with her?_ All of the aloofness and irritability between them, was it not really about PS 77 at all? Was _Amanda_ the real problem - and Dana the solution Sonny had sought?

"Rollins?" Fin's voice cut through her mounting panic. "You good with that witness?"

"Huh? What?" she stammered. She used the back of her hand to brush her bangs away from her forehead, the skin there now sticky with sweat. "I, uh, yeah. She's... all good. She can go."

"You don't look so hot" Fin observed. "Feelin' okay?"

Amanda shouldered past Fin, desperate to get away from his gaze. "I'm fine," she lied.

* * *

Amanda didn't often run at night, but at the end of May, the temperature was ideal when the sun went down. It was Friday evening and Sonny's parents had taken the kids to their house till Saturday afternoon, allowing Amanda to escape the house without worrying about baths and bedtimes. More than anything, her run was an excuse to get away from Sonny. She had spent the past four days obsessing over the conversation she had overheard between him and Dana, picking it apart, analyzing it - but she hadn't mentioned it to him. She didn't know how to, but mostly, she was afraid of hearing Sonny's response. She had never felt so disconnected from him before; she used to think she knew him better than she knew herself. Now, Sonny was like a stranger.

She had been gone two hours by the time she ended up back on the front steps of their Astoria home, breathless and covered in a sheen of sweat. She let herself in and was greeted by the sound of the television, although Sonny definitely wasn't watching it. Instead, he was slumped on the couch, head lolled to one side, very obviously passed out drunk. A bottle of Jameson sat half-empty on the coffee table, right beside his glass. Frannie sniffed him curiously, her tail wagging back and forth quickly as she yearned for some attention.

Concerned, Amanda rushed to Sonny's side and shook his shoulder. "Sonny? Hey, Sonny?" she called, hovering over him. He reeked of booze. "Jesus Christ, you're plastered. C'mon, get up."

Sonny groaned, his eyes fluttering open briefly as he struggled to move away from her. "Stop. Stop it"

"Come on, come upstairs," she urged him, tugging at his arm.

"'Manda, leave me alone," Sonny grumbled, eyes shut again.

She pulled more insistently. "Sonny-"

"I said _leave me alone._ " He shook her hand off of him with so much force that Amanda jumped. Like a child throwing a tantrum, he flopped over so he was one long line on the couch, then turned inward so his back was to her.

She had grown up around enough drunks to know that arguing with an intoxicated person was pointless. With a growl of frustration, Amanda stormed out of the living room and went upstairs. She slammed the door of their bedroom shut behind her, the wood cracking satisfyingly against the frame. Arms crossed tightly across her chest, she paced. Her eyes drifted to their bed, where she spotted Sonny's phone on the comforter. She sunk her teeth into her lower lip as she tried to resist the urge to pick it up - she wasn't _that_ kind of woman, was she? - but soon she was lunging for it like it might disappear from her sight at any moment.

Fast thumbs entered Sonny's numeric passcode - all of the kids' birthdays - and the screen unlocked successfully. Amanda looked over her shoulder cautiously, but was reassured by the fact that Sonny was likely too hammered to make it up the stairs without her hearing him first. Her heart pounded at a sickening rate in her chest as she opened up his iMessages. Dana's name stood out in his inbox and she clicked it to reveal a string of recent texts, just from that day - and apparently nothing prior.

 _Hope you have a good weekend. You deserve it,_ was Dana's first message.

Sonny replied: _thanks. You too. I appreciate you listening to me this week_

 _Of course. You know I'm always here for you_

 _I know..._

 _Call me later if you want xo_

She frantically went to his phone call list, but she didn't see Dana's name incoming or outgoing. In a daze, she sifted through every digital corner of Sonny's phone, from his e-mails to his photos to his browser history. Nothing was out of the ordinary, but Amanda didn't need hard evidence to fuel her hunch - she was already dizzy with dread. She was well-versed enough in technology to know that people could delete data easily, she just never thought Sonny would be one of them. He was so open - he teased _her_ for being paranoid - and his honesty was unfailing.

My _Sonny doesn't keep secrets from me,_ Amanda reminded herself. Except, right now, she didn't feel like she was dealing with _her_ Sonny at all.

* * *

Amanda exhaled a cloud of smoke into the night air. From her spot on a lounge chair in their tiny back yard, she was comfortable in the sixty-degree weather in just a sweatshirt and leggings. With her knees bent to her chest, Frannie was able to curl up at the end of her chaise and keep her company. The baby monitor sat on the grass beside them, displaying Ruby asleep in her crib. Amanda tapped her ashes onto the grass as she stared out at the fence that separated their property from the neighbors'. Every few months, she dug into the pocket of an old coat and retrieved a few cigarettes from a pack she hid there. She was careful to never let the kids see her, and Sonny knew about it but had stopped badgering her since she did it so infrequently. It wasn't a vice Amanda was proud of, but in a sick kind of way, she was comforted by the mere knowledge that the cigarettes were there, even if she barely ever picked them up.

She heard the back door creak open but she didn't turn around; she knew it was Sonny. Amanda was simultaneously worried about him and extremely angry. Her stomach churned whenever she even attempted to process her internal conflict. She had thought maybe it would feel freeing not to yell and throw a fit, but instead, it was suffocating. The anxiety kept building up inside of her day after day; soon it wouldn't have anywhere left to go.

Out of the corner of her eye, Amanda saw Sonny sit on the edge of the empty chair beside her. She kept her gaze straight ahead as she pulled another drag of nicotine in her lungs, weighing her options. It was quiet except for the sound of cars roaming up and down their street - too quiet. Sonny wasn't saying anything, wasn't moving, and after a minute she couldn't stand it. Without turning her head, Amanda finally asked into the darkness, "are you sleeping with her?"

"What? No, of course not," he told her immediately, his voice low but his outrage obvious.

She ran her tongue against the back of her upper teeth and tasted smoke. "I went through your messages yesterday."

"Okay..."

"Yeah."

"Amanda," he said gently. "You know me better than that."

Finally, Amanda turned her head to look at him. Even in the darkness, she could see how rumpled he looked, how tired. She narrowed her gaze. "Do I?"

His brow furrowed, visibly hurt, and he bowed his head.

"You know, I have been... I have been trying really hard to let you work through whatever it is you're workin' through," Amanda told him, a tremor in her quiet voice. "But, you are just... you've shut me out. And I could deal with that, but what I can't deal with is you talking to Dana like you used to talk to me."

Sonny lifted his gaze. "I'm not-"

"Whatever the hell is happening between ya'll, I don't wanna know," she interrupted. "You've always stood by me, even through some really bad shit, so I'm going to do the same for you. I'm gonna keep on doing what I've been doing and try to keep everything all together, 'cause there are three kids in there who think you're a goddamn superhero, and Lord knows I don't want any of this bullshit to impact them." She turned in her chair, now sitting on the edge of it, facing him. Her eyes were burning with unshed tears even though her tone was angry. "But don't you dare make a fool outta me. Don't leave me in the dark and turn around and tell somebody else all the things you're keeping from me. Whatever it is that's going on with you, Sonny, figure it out. Please."

Rising to her feet, she dropped the remainder of her cigarette into the grass before stamping it out with the toe of her sneaker. Snatching up the baby monitor, she disappeared back into the house before Sonny could speak, then bounded up the stairs to their bedroom. It was only after she was shut inside of the bathroom with the door locked that Amanda finally allowed herself to cry freely.

* * *

It was hard to keep his eyes focused on his laptop screen. Sonny rubbed his face with rough palms in an attempt to keep himself awake at his desk. Almost alone in the precinct, he was determined to get the work done that he had been avoiding for days, but on little-to-no sleep it was proving to be a challenge. He heaved a sigh and leaned back in his chair, studying the blank report from a case he worked last week. Everything felt blurry and jumbled together after PS 77. Lately, it was as if he was perpetually moving through a very dense fog...

The sound of footsteps got his attention: Sonny looked up to see Fin weaving through the squad room.

"Hey, Fin," he greeted the sergeant.

"Carisi, hey. Didn't think anybody else would still be here." Fin grabbed his iPhone from his desk and brandished it. "Forgot this."

Sonny nodded then admitted sheepishly, "yeah, well, I've been kinda slackin' on my paperwork."

Fin stopped in front of Sonny's desk, both his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket as he eyed him. "This may not be my place but, is everything okay with you and Rollins?"

"Yeah, everything is fine," Sonny lied, because things had never been _less_ fine.

"Oh. Okay."

"She say something to you?"

"Nah. Just a feeling. Seems like that school hit you pretty hard."

"Yeah."

"Y'want my advice?"

Sonny sighed, shut his tired eyes and squeezed the bridge of his nose. "You're gonna give it to me no matter what, aren't you?"

"Yep," Fin told him bluntly. "This job can make you lose your faith in everything. All this terrible shit happenin'... but..."

He looked up at Fin wearily. "But?"

"Just... " He clapped a hand on Sonny's shoulder on his way toward the elevator. "Don't die before you're dead."


	40. Chapter 40

**AN:** NSFW stuff in here. Also, I've had several requests to make Dana go batshit crazy soooo that could be happening soon. I love when you guys give me ideas, it's such a fun challenge!

* * *

 _lights will guide you home / and ignite your bones / and I will try to fix you_

* * *

Amanda had been home from SVU for two hours, but her badge was on her hip and her shoes were still on. While some evenings after work were laid-back and harmonious, others more closely resembled a circus. Without Sonny or Audrey beside her, Amanda did her best to attend to everybody, but with a five-year-old, a toddler and an infant, she was constantly being pulled in three different directions.

Luca had been diagnosed with asthma a year ago and it was exacerbated by illness or too much physical activity. That night, he had been practically bouncing off of the walls as Amanda had tried to help Jesse get organized for her play date the next day and take care of a fussy Ruby. Sonny was still at the precinct, leaving Amanda to try to keep everything under control, and it was all going fine until Luca's bedtime tantrum. The force and effort of his walling and flailing prompted an episode of coughing and wheezing that, while frustrated, Amanda couldn't ignore. In a way the asthma attack was a blessing in disguise, as it forced the toddler to sit still on the edge of his bed for a few minutes while Amanda prepared his inhaler. They had a big plastic bag full of them now - one for colds, one for allergies, one for sleep and one for emergencies - and it was a task keeping track of when to use what.

"Big, deep breath. It'll make you feel better," Amanda instructed Luca, holding the inhaler to his mouth.

The little boy took an inhale then coughed and shook his head; it tasted terrible.

She shook up the solution again before putting it back to his mouth. "One more, Lu."

"Mama, no," he whined, pajama-clad limbs wiggling in protest. There was a distinct whistling sound when he took a breath, an indication that not enough medicine had reached his lungs yet. "Nuh-uh."

"Just one more," she promised, and when he acquiesced, she was relieved. She watched him for a few moments until she was satisfied that the episode had passed. She smoothed a hand over his hair before she cupped one of his flushed cheeks. "Feel better?"

Luca nodded and pointed to his chest. "In here."

"All better in there? Good," she translated with a little smile. "Now, let's tuck you in." Amanda pulled back the sheets of his bed, allowing the little boy to climb beneath them without protest, then tucked his stuffed bear into the crook of his arm. She guessed that Luca had worn himself out: he popped his thumb into his mouth immediately, which was a tell-tale sign of toddler exhaustion. She leaned down and kissed his forehead. "Mama loves you."

"Lub you," Luca responded around his thumb.

With the bag of his medications in hand, Amanda shut off Luca's light and left his room to go into her own. She tossed the inhalers onto the bed and began to pull off her shoes and change into shorts and a t-shirt - finally. It felt good to get out of constrictive work clothes. At her bureau, she pulled her gold earrings from her ears and unfastened her watch as the door creaked open again to reveal Sonny. Her stomach tightened into an anticipatory knot; he made her anxious lately and she hated that. She wanted space from a person she was already distant from.

"Is Luca okay?" Sonny asked, his eyes on the collection of inhalers on their bed as he shrugged off his suit jacket.

"Yeah. He just worked up himself up and was wheezing," Amanda told him levelly, keeping her focus on putting her jewelry away.

She heard the bed creak and assumed Sonny had sat down on it, but she didn't turn around. "Can we talk?" he asked after a moment of silence.

Amanda suppressed a sigh. She was tired and not emotionally prepared for what would likely be the start of another disagreement - or, worse, a confession from Sonny that confirmed her worst fears. She toyed with the rings in her porcelain jewelry dish. "Okay."

"Y'wanna sit?" he offered.

She turned around and eyed him on the edge of the bed, then crossed her arms over her chest defensively. "I'm fine here."

Sonny nodded, seemingly understanding of her stance. Head bowed, he told the floor, "I wanted to say I'm sorry."

Amanda didn't even have the energy to raise her eyebrows, she simply blinked at him. _Sorry for which part, exactly?_ she wanted to snap, but she chewed on her lower lip in silence instead.

"I'm not sleepin' with Dana, but I did talk to her and you were right, I have shut you out," he went on.

Dana's name out of Sonny's mouth made Amanda feel sick to her stomach, but she would never let him know that. Her expression remained stoic even if her pulse was beginning to pound.

Sonny leaned forward to rest his elbows against his knees, his hands clasped loosely between them. His gaze was still focused on the carpet. "It's just... you and the kids mean everything to me," he began, voice quiet. "Without you guys, there's no me. I keep thinkin'... those kids at PS 77, they probably meant everything to their parents, too. They probably had lives just like ours. Except now they don't, all 'cause their mom and dad chose to send them to school, just like any other day." He pulled in a deep breath before he continued, "pretty much my whole life I've wanted to be a dad, and now I am, and I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I brought kids into a world that's so fucked up, where I don't know if I can keep them safe. Then I feel pissed off and I don't even know what I'm angry at. I keep questioning everything, all this stuff I used to be so sure about and it's, it's scaring the hell outta me. Every time I close my eyes, I see it. Them. I can't sleep, I'm sick to my stomach, I feel like I'm gonna jump outta my fuckin' skin..."

Sonny rubbed his palms together slowly, his eyes gaze still lowered. "I... talked to Dana about it. I did. I did it because she was there. She was in the middle of it, too. I know you can handle a lot of stuff, 'Manda, and that you hate when I try to protect you, but I never want you to have to know what this was like. I never want you to have to carry this - what I saw, how it's made me feel - around." There was a distinct hitch in his voice as he whispered, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for makin' you think... for makin' you think less of me. I just, I guess what I'm sayin' is, I don't really know what to do..."

Amanda felt her heart in her throat, taken aback by the hopelessness in Sonny's tone. She had never heard him sound so sad and she felt his pain like it was her own. It terrified her. She had spent so much time wondering what was going on in his head, and now that she knew it, it was more upsetting than what she could have imagined. He was not unshakable. He was suffering and he needed her. Suddenly, Amanda didn't care about Dana at all.

"Sonny..." Rushing to him, Amanda dropped to her knees in front of his hunched over freame, one hand grabbing his clasped ones, the other reaching up to brush a lock of hair away from his forehead, desperate for him to look at her. "Sonny, hey, it's alright," she whispered. His eyes remained downcast, but she could see them shining with tears that hadn't yet fallen. She squeezed at his hands with both of hers. "I'm right here, and I'm always gonna be here. All those nights you've stayed up with me, helping me deal with whatever's goin' on in my head... I'll do it for you, too."

"You take such good care of us. You always have. Everything out there may be nuts but, in here? In here, in this house, things are always okay. That's all you and me have ever been in control of and hell, sometimes we can't even do that and it's alright because we have each other." Despite her attempt at remaining steady, there was a quiver of emotion in Amanda's voice as she continued, "you don't have to carry around all this shit on your own."

Sonny nodded, his eyes on her hands atop his. "I've never felt this way before," he admitted quietly, as if it was shameful. His voice was so low that if she hadn't been close to him, she never would have heard it.

"You need a break, baby," Amanda urged him. "You need to take a few days off."

His brow creased. "We're already short-staffed-"

"Who cares? It doesn't matter. It's One PP's job to worry about staffing, not you," she insisted. "What are you saving up time for? God knows we aren't going on vacation and I'm sure as hell not poppin' out another kid in this lifetime." She chewed the inside of her cheek anxiously. "You always just... you deal with some really hard stuff and you just keep goin', over and over, and I get it - you know I'm the same way - but we've all got our breaking points." Her throat felt tight as she croaked softly, "I just want you back. I don't wanna lose you to this."

Sonny nodded again slowly.

Feeling desperate, Amanda decided to utilize a classic Carisi coping mechanism: "Are you hungry? Have you eaten anything today?"

"I did this morning." He shrugged. "I am, kinda."

She gave his hands a squeeze. "Let's get you something."

Finally, he looked her in the eye - and cringed. "Please don't cook."

A small smile, prompted by the flicker of normalcy in his plea, tugged at the corners of Amanda's mouth. "I'm not gonna _cook,_ " she promised with a roll of her eyes. She stood up straight again and tugged at his hands, prompting him to do the same. One set of fingers remained entangled with his. "Let's order a pizza or something. We can eat it on the couch and watch _The Bachelorette_ , just like we used to before we had to take care of all these people. And we can talk. We can talk about whatever you want."

Sonny looked down at their entwined fingers and squeezed. "Alright. Yeah."

"Okay. Good." Amanda felt momentarily steadied by the fact that she could do something - anything - somewhat productive. Closing the small space between them, she wrapped her arms around his torso and hugged him as tightly as she could manage, her cheek pressed against the fabric of his dress shirt, her eyes screwed shut. She felt his arms embrace her, like they always did, but this time it felt different. This time, it was Sonny who was holding onto her. "I love you so much."

She felt his palm press into the small of her back. "I love you," he said softly into the top of her head. "I'm really sorry. I'm sorry I'm such a mess over this, that I was bein' such an ass-"

"Stop apologizing," Amanda interrupted him gently. She lifted her head to look up at him, their blue eyes meeting. "It's okay. Just... promise me something."

Sonny nodded. "Yeah."

Pulling away slightly, a thumb grazed over the cool metal of his badge clipped to his brown leather belt. "You and me... we've been partners for a long time now. In everything. I don't want that to change." Amanda rested her palms against his chest as she gazed up at him earnestly. Chewing on her lower lip, she whispered, "promise me that's not going to change."

He reached a hand up toward the side of Amanda's face, fingers carding through her blonde hair. She loved the motion against her scalp; if she hadn't been so preoccupied, her eyes would have fluttered closed and she would have asked him not to stop. Instead, she watched his face intently. Something was different about the way Sonny was looking at her - almost as if her request had caused him to suddenly become sadder. He closed the small space between them, kissed her forehead and murmured into her hairline, "there's nobody else on earth I'd rather be partners with."

* * *

The next morning, Amanda awoke to the sound of the shower running. When she rolled over in bed, Sonny's side was empty. Last night, she had laid awake until his breathing became slow and even, indicating that he had fallen asleep. She felt as though she couldn't relax until she knew he was at peace, too. Their candid conversation and time spent together hadn't fixed everything, but at least it closed the gaping chasm between them.

With a yawn, she untangled herself from the sheets and padded over to the ajar bathroom door. She was greeted by a warm cloud of steam as she slipped inside. She shimmied out of her shorts, then pulled her t-shirt up and off over her head. She slid open the glass door to the shower and stepped inside to find Sonny's back to her, his tall frame beneath the warm cascade of water. Coming up behind him, she wrapped her arms around his torso, pressing her chest against his back and splaying her fingers over the flat plane of his abdomen. Sonny's arms reached behind her in a backward hug and Amanda smiled, her lips grazed the place between his shoulder blades.

Turning around in her embrace, Sonny took her chin between a thumb and forefinger to lift it up and kiss her. She snaked her arms up around his neck, their mouths meeting slowly but intensely, over and over. She felt her back encounter the tiles, cooler than the damp heat radiating off of Sonny's skin pressed against her own. She blindly anchored her fingers in the wet hair at the back of his head. His mouth soon left hers to devour her neck and her collarbone, then the swell of her breasts, her back arching to offer it all up to him.

"You're so beautiful," he breathed reverently against the spot beneath her ear, a palm sliding down the curve of her waist to dip fingers between her thighs.

"Baby..." she sighed dreamily, her head tilted back and eyes closed as she enjoyed the attention she had been starving for. Her own fingertips slid from behind his neck to drift down his chest and his stomach, her nails grazing the jut of his hipbones. She could feel him hard between them; a hand moved to stroke him lazily, her grip slipping easily over wet skin. Heat blossomed in the pit of her stomach and morphed into a desperate kind of ache, as if her body was waking up, suddenly aware of all the space that had previously been between them.

Sonny's hand skimmed along the back of her thigh before he stopped beneath her knee to pull the leg up around his waist. "I need you," her murmured into her mouth.

Her heel digging into his lower back, Amanda draped her arms around his neck again. Standing up on her toes, she gave a little hop to hook her other leg around his hips, the movement prompting a low chuckle of amusement from Sonny as his hand caught her beneath her thigh to keep her there. He pressed forward, the wall of the shower holding part of her weight, and she reached between them to line him up with her entrance. When he pressed himself inside of her, her breath caught in her chest.

Sonny let out a huff of air like he was relieved. "Yeah..." he growled as his hands slid to grip her ass tightly. His thrusts were slow at first and she met them with a rock of her hips, creating an easy rhythm. Then he shifted to press her back more firmly against the wall, stilling her movements to allow him to take control. Pinned against the hard surface of the shower, he began to move in and out of her fast and hard, the sound of their bodies meeting echoing loudly off of tiles and glass.

Amanda's mouth fell open at the onslaught of sensation; two weeks without him had been too long. Now he was taking her with such intensity that it was as if he shared in her desperation. She was flushed and damp with arousal and the hot spray of the shower, her eyes flickering open only long enough to see Sonny's head bowed as he watched himself disappear inside of her. She tilted her hips upward just slightly, until the angle was too good to ignore. "Oh, God, yes..." she moaned wantonly, fingernails biting into the flesh of his shoulders, the muscles of her abdomen taut as she fought to keep the perfect position.

"Is that what you want?" Sonny asked huskily, teeth nipping at her lips as he spoke. "Tell me how bad you want it."

A smirk pulled at the corner of Amanda's mouth before she tangled her tongue with his. "Mm, yes," she breathed.

"Yes _what?_ " he rumbled, the end of his provocative question punctuated by a hard thrust of his hips just before he stilled, clearly trying to torture her.

Trapped against the tiles, she wriggled in protest and let out a little gasp of frustration. Despite her desperation, she always found it incredibly sexy when he rendered her a little helpless. "Please..." When that didn't seem to be enough, Amanda whined breathlessly, emphatically, " _please_."

A smug grin took over his features before he gave in. He was just as undone as she was: his hips collided forcefully with hers even after she cried out her orgasm, using her body to chase his own release. It wasn't long before he was exhaling a string of curse words and praise into the crook of her neck, his muscles going rigid before they all went slack and satisfied. They remained tangled together for a few minutes, the only sound the rush of the shower and their rapid breathing, everything about the afterglow deliciously hot and slick. If Amanda's legs weren't screaming for relief from the position she had been holding, she could have stayed entwined with Sonny forever.

Bodies washed and towels wrapped around them, they made their way back into their bedroom. Sonny sunk down onto the edge of the bed as Amanda adjusted the fluffy white material underneath her arms. Then she straddled his lap, her knees resting on the mattress on either side of his thighs, her arms draped loosely around his neck. They kissed languidly, everything still warm and fuzzy around the edges from their shower. Eventually, they pulled apart, and she rested her forehead against his. Sonny's hands soothed up and down her legs beneath the fabric of her towel and Amanda reveled in it, still greedy for his touch, still needing to be as close to him as possible.

"Y'know what I was thinkin'?" Sonny said eventually.

Amanda toyed with the hair at the back of his neck. She felt his thumbs graze over her hipbones and she shivered. "Hm?"

"I think I'll go to church with my parents, before we all have dinner," he told her. "I haven't in awhile."

She nodded, their foreheads rubbing. "That's a good idea."

"Y'wanna come?" Sonny asked.

Usually, Amanda would have started laughing at his offer. Despite her years with Sonny, she still found organized religion to be creepy. Of course, on holidays she tagged along with his family begrudgingly, but otherwise she kept her distance. That day, though, she had a feeling that this was something Sonny needed. His faith was a huge part of his identity and she felt compelled to support it. Given the toll the last couple of weeks had taken on him, Amanda would do anything to make sure Sonny returned to the kind and patient person she always knew him to be. If God had to be involved in the process, so be it.

She gave him a gentle kiss on the lips. "Sure. We'll all go."

* * *

Church with three young children was work. Thankfully, since Amanda wasn't all that interested in paying attention, she could devote her energy to making sure nobody made too big of a scene. Toward the end of the hour-long service, all was calm: Jesse sat quietly between Amanda and Dominick Sr., Luca sat between his parents, and Ruby slept in Amanda's arms with the help of a well-timed bottle and pacifier. The pews of St. Clare's were packed with families, and when mass was over, they lingered inside of the church to socialize. While Sonny's parents drifted in one direction, they moved in another, soon stopped by the priest that had officiated the service that morning.

"Dominick!" Father Conti greeted Sonny enthusiastically, holding out a hand for him to shake. "It's so good to see you."

"You too, Father," Sonny agreed with a smile. "Great listenin' to you today."

The priest's eyes flickered curiously over the group hovering at Sonny's side. "Is this your family?"

"Yeah. Yeah, this is my wife, Amanda," Sonny explained eagerly, setting a hand on the small of Amanda's back.

Managing to hold Ruby in one arm, Amanda stuck out a free hand. "Hi."

"I've heard so much about you," Father Conti told her, giving her fingers a gentle squeeze. "It's nice to finally meet you, Amanda."

 _Are you surprised my presence hasn't caused this whole place to go up in flames?,_ Amanda thought to herself, trying her best to bite back a mischievous grin. "You too." She shifted the baby in her arms. "This here is Ruby."

"Oh, my, isn't she precious?" Father Conti cooed, peering down at Ruby.

"This is Jesse," Sonny went on, setting a hand on the little girl's shoulder. He indicated to the toddler next to Amanda, "and this is Luca."

Luca held onto Amanda's leg and shyly peeked out from behind it.

The priest smiled kindly at Sonny. "God's been good to you."

Sonny's hand returned to the small of Amanda's back as he nodded in agreement. "I know."

* * *

Sonny took three days off from SVU. It wasn't a lot, but it seemed to be rejuvenating enough. He looked less tired, the surliness that had hardened his features now gone. He was less guarded. When he and Amanda could steal private moments together, she listened to him talk about the anxiety and fear that continued to rent space in his head. A shadow still crossed Sonny's face when he spoke of that day, of what he had seen, but the light crept back in eventually. Sleep wasn't easy, but Amanda was relieved that he no longer retreated to the living room couch with a bottle of whiskey instead of laying beside her. Stubborn pride kept Sonny from pursuing therapy - something Amanda couldn't exactly judge him for, since she was still a relatively hesitant patient of Dr. Lindstrom's - but as long as he felt better, she didn't care how it happened.

On Thursday, from her spot at her desk, Amanda watched Dana hover at Liv's door with her suitcase at her side. She couldn't hear what they were talking about over the bustle of the squad room, but she assumed that they were saying their goodbyes. All of the visiting detectives were leaving that week, at various times. When Amanda watched Dana eventually disappear on the elevator, she thought she would feel relief, but instead there was a nagging concern pulling at her gut. Her gaze flickered over to Sonny's chair, which was empty. He had been on a case with Fin for hours. As subtly as possible, Amanda got up, wove through the bullpen and walked down three flights of stairs.

On the sidewalk in front of the precinct, she saw Dana looking down at her phone, most likely trying to call an Uber to catch her flight. Amanda found it incredibly annoying that even on her way to the airport, she looked like a model, all effortlessly cool and casual.

"Dana, hey," Amanda called to her. "Can I talk to you for a second?"

Dana looked up from her phone and turned around. Her eyes flitted over Amanda, her expression stoic. "Sure."

Standing in front of her, Amanda crossed her arms over her chest. She scrunched up her face a little, bracing herself for what she was about to say. "I wanted to ask you... not to reach out to Sonny."

The other woman raised both of her eyebrows in apparent surprise. "Huh?"

"If you have any respect for our marriage, you won't try to talk to him," she went on slowly.

"That's ridiculous," Dana laughed. "We've known each other for years. We have a connection."

White-hot jealousy rocketed through Amanda even though she had spent weeks attempting to suppress it. She had tried. She had _really_ tried to be an adult about this woman's role in her husband's life. Now, she had reached her breaking point. She took a step closer to Dana, eyes narrow and icy. "Let's be perfectly clear, honey: _we_ have a connection. He married _me._ " She lowered her voice, a coy smirk tugging at her lips as she added quietly, sweetly, "and when he was inside of me last night, I can promise he wasn't thinkin' about _you_ at all."

Her mouth agape and color rising in her cheeks, Dana was rendered speechless.

"Have a safe flight," Amanda concluded cheerfully before walking away.


	41. Chapter 41

**AN:** You asked for crazy...

* * *

 _there's nothing more cruel than being loved by everybody but you_

* * *

"Mama? Mama, up now."

Amanda jerked awake at the sound of Luca's little voice. Eyes flying open, she saw the toddler standing by her side of the bed in his Mets pajamas, his bright blonde hair sticking up almost straight. He wasn't crying and he didn't look sick, he was simply watching her.

"Luca?" she said hoarsely. "What the - no. Go back to bed, it's -" she grappled for her phone to see it was four thirty in the morning, "- way too early."

He padded away, but only to move through the dim room to try Sonny's side of the bed inside. "Daddy, up now."

"Listen to your mother," she heard Sonny grumble into his pillow, his form unmoving beneath the sheets.

"Get up now," Luca repeated.

"It's too early, baby. Remember you're supposed to play nice and quiet..." Amanda pleaded, burrowing her body deeper into the blankets.

He didn't respond, and for a moment, Amanda thought that maybe he had listened to her. Then she felt movement at the end of their bed: Luca was clambering up the mattress and crawling across the comforter to settle in between his parents. Amanda sighed, defeated, but glad the little boy was at least being quiet as he rolled around. Just as she was about to close her eyes again, she heard Luca speak again.

"I tickle you," Luca said. "Tickle, tickle."

Rolling over, Amanda saw Luca wriggling his small fingers against Sonny's shoulder and the crook of his neck. Sonny twitched in surprise and wiggled away from the sensation. "Luca!" he groaned. "Come on, buddy..."

The toddler crawled over his father's frame to plop down in front of him. "Up now?"

"Yeah, I'm up now. I'm up." Heaving a sigh, Sonny flopped over onto his back. He glanced over at Amanda in the dark as Luca began to climb him like a human jungle gym. "This is turning into a problem."

"He's just... I think he gets freaked out, being in his room alone all night," she explained.

Luca slid off of Sonny's chest to snuggle into his side instead, a thumb in his mouth, his other hand reaching out for Amanda. Sonny ruffled the little boy's hair and yawned. "I know, I know."

Sliding closer, Amanda toyed with Luca's fingers, running a thumb across his knuckles before kissing them. "My mother used to put brandy in milk when I was a kid and couldn't sleep. Sometimes when Jesse was really little and wouldn't stop crying, I used to think about doing that, too."

"Are you suggestin' we start mixin' Luca cocktails?" Sonny chuckled, eyes closed.

Amanda grinned, grateful that Sonny's sense of humor had returned - even at four thirty in the morning. "What do you think, Lu?" she asked the two and a half year old playfully. "How about a nice Old Fashioned? Your mama makes a great one."

The bedroom door creaked open, revealing Jesse. She was in her pajamas, too, with her stuffed bunny hanging from her hand by the floppy ear. "Mama? Dad?"

"Jesse?" Sonny said, eyes opening as he lifted his head from his pillow. "What are you doin' up so early?"

"I waked up," Jesse explained, coming over to Amanda's side. "Can I lay with you?"

She sighed and rolled onto her back, too tired to put up a fight. "Alright, come on in."

Jesse climbed in over her mother, settling herself between her brother and Amanda.

"So, the only kid in their own bed is the one who can't walk, huh?" Sonny observed wearily.

"Don't jinx it," Amanda mumbled as the five-year-old wiggled beneath the sheets, unable to stay still for more than a few seconds.

After a few more minutes of talking and wriggling around, the room went quiet and the bodies in Amanda and Sonny's bed drifted off to sleep. Amanda eventually woke up again - just a few minutes before her alarm went off. Carefully, she slipped out of the room to change Ruby, then toted her back into the bedroom. Everybody was exactly as she had left them moments earlier: Sonny was asleep on his side, an arm slung over Luca's belly, and Jesse was curled up beside her brother. Amanda smiled, tired but appreciative of the sight all of the people she loved safe and warm in one bed. Leaning in with Ruby on her hip, she gently kissed Jesse's temple, then Luca's forehead, and finally the corner of Sonny's mouth. "Time to get up."

Sonny groaned, rolled onto his back and flung a forearm over his eyes dramatically. Luca popped up immediately, disheveled but as energized as ever as he sat between his father and sister. Jesse grumbled incoherently and wiggled over to her mother's side of the bed.

"C'mon, daddy," Amanda cooed, plopping the five-month-old in between Sonny and Luca. "Up."

"A few more minutes, c'mon," Sonny begged. "I only just fell asleep."

"Sonny, I've been late all week, Liv's gonna kill me," she reminded him.

"So? At least you're consistent," he smirked.

Amanda rolled her eyes and opened her mouth to challenge him again, but before she could, Sonny was yanking at her arm. He caught her by such surprise that he was able to pull her down on top of him. "Sonny!" she yelped as her frame encountered his, chest to chest, his limbs entangling with hers to prevent her from escaping.

Jesse and Luca both began to laugh uncontrollably, and soon their little bodies were flung atop of Amanda's, creating a wriggling, giggling pile. Ruby was strong enough to lift her head an arms while on her stomach, and she reached out little fingers to grab at the sleeve of Sonny's t-shirt. With the arm closest to her, he pulled the baby closer into his side so she could be part of the action.

"You're trapped!" Jesse squealed, sitting on Amanda's back and bouncing up and down gleefully.

Luca imitated his sister's behavior. "Got you!"

"Carisi sandwich!" Sonny exclaimed.

"Guys, come on..." she pleaded uselessly, laughter punctuating her words despite her protesting. Ruby reached up and pulled at her hair, cooing and giggling.

Sonny made a show of yawning, then stretching his arms out and bending them casually beneath his head. "I could stay here all day."

"Yeah! All day!" Jesse echoed.

"Oh yeah?" Amanda quirked a mischievous eyebrow. Reaching behind her, she began to tickle both the children sitting on her, prompting them to shriek with laughter and wriggle off of her. She rolled over and pounced on them, one set of fingers in the crook of Jesse's neck and the other on Luca's belly. "How about now, huh?" she taunted them as she tickled, grinning at their flailing and breathless giggling. "Y'wanna stay here all day _now?_ "

"Daddy, help!" Jesse cried through her laughter.

"Oh, no, I'm afraid I can't," Sonny told her solemnly despite his grin, sitting up with the baby in his arms and shaking his head. "Then she'd tickle me, too."

* * *

One set of Amanda's fingers dangled from Sonny's as they walked through Queens that afternoon. She had never been one for hand-holding until she met him, but over the years she had grown to find it comforting. He had always been the more physically affectionate one, and while Amanda liked to pretend their relationship hadn't changed her, she finally admitted defeat after two years of marriage. Yes, he had made her just a little softer around the edges, and no, it didn't make her less strong or confident or capable. She could be all of those things at once.

Dana had left for Los Angeles yesterday, but neither of them brought up her departure. Amanda didn't want to devote any more mental energy to her; she felt satisfied that she was able to get the last word, even if that was petty. Her biggest concern was Sonny, who seemed to be steadily returning to his old self. A day ago, she had overheard him apologizing to Jesse - who, in typical little kid form, had already forgotten about their terse interaction. It made Amanda smile with relief anyway, because _that_ was the Sonny she knew.

"What exactly is Jesse doin' after school again?" Sonny asked Amanda curiously.

"Yoga," Amanda answered.

He raised his eyebrows in confusion. "Wha?"

"Yoga," Amanda repeated, as if it should have been obvious. "One of the teachers is holding a weekly class for the kindergarteners and first graders. They are gonna practice poses and breathing and mindfulness..."

"That's the yuppiest shit I have ever heard," Sonny scoffed, blue eyes bright with amusement.

"It is not _yuppy_ ," she insisted. "She used to go with me all the time. Plus, I've got this theory that it'll help her with t-ball. You know how she gets all worked up whenever she's goin' to bat..."

"What, is she gonna meditate in the dugout?" he joked.

"Maybe," she replied haughtily. "Tons of professional athletes do it, you know."

"She's already a great player."

"You're a little biased."

"No way. As the coach, I'm tellin' ya, some of those kids can't even walk in a straight line, let alone hit a ball." He glanced over at her. "What time is the class over?"

Amanda looked down at her watch. "An hour."

"I'll go get her with Frannie," he offered. "She'll need a walk anyway. Then we can pick up dinner on the way back."

"That new Spanish place on 36th?" she suggested.

Lifting their entwined hands, he kissed the back of hers. "Sure."

On the front step of their home, Sonny pulled his keys from his pocket and let them inside. They were greeted first by Frannie, her tail wagging furiously behind her, and the distinct sound of Ruby crying upstairs. Fluffy appeared soon after, meowing at their feet.

"Audrey?" Amanda called, looking around as Sonny shut the door behind them. "Luca?"

"Where is everybody?" Sonny wondered curiously.

"I dunno..." She began to climb the stairs toward the sound of her daughter. Pushing open Ruby's door, Amanda found the baby in her crib, red-faced and loud, as if she had been crying for attention for awhile. She quickly reached in and picked the baby up, holding her close to her body as she rocked back and forth. "Shh, it's alright," she soothed, a palm circling against Ruby's back. After a minute of affection, her wails morphed into more manageable whimpers. Amanda carried the baby out into the hall just as Sonny came up the steps, his brow furrowed in concern.

"Luca?" he called before he opened up the toddler's bedroom door.

Amanda hovered close behind Sonny to find that everything in Luca's room appeared undisturbed. Sonny turned to her, looking worried, and just as his mouth opened to speak, there was a distinct rattling sound from Luca's closet. The wooden sliding doors trembled with the force of whatever was creating the noise. Simultaneously they rushed over, and when Sonny yanked open the panels, they found Audrey on the floor with duct tape over her mouth, her wrists bound behind her back and her feet held together with zip ties. Her brown eyes were wide with terror.

"Jesus! Audrey!" Sonny exclaimed, crouching down to pull the tape from her face. He quickly reached for his keys in his pocket, using the little Swiss Army knife that hung from them to slice through what bound her feet and wrists.

"What the hell happened? Are you okay?" Amanda asked frantically. She spun around, giving the space a once-over again. "Where is Luca?"

"S-she, she had a gun!" Audrey sputtered as Sonny helped her to her feet. "She just, forced her way in here and-"

"Who did?" she demanded, grabbing Audrey's forearm to steady her. "Where is Luca?"

"She took him!" Audrey cried. "The door bell rang... and I, I came downstairs to answer it, she... she showed me her gun and t-told me to stay quiet. She didn't tell me anything, she just kept telling me to shut up. I don't know her, I've never seen her, I am, I'm so sorry, I -"

"What did she look like?" Sonny interrupted her loudly, apparently still able to speak. Amanda, on the other hand, couldn't say or hear anything over the sound of her pulse pounding loudly and rapidly in her ears.

"Tall. Blonde." Tears rolled freely down Audrey's cheeks as she lifted one shaky hand to rub the reddened skin around her mouth. "I thought she was gonna shoot me, or the kids. I couldn't stop her," she moaned. "She held the g-gun to my head, led me up here and, and she tied me up and put me in the closet. I didn't see what she did or where she took him or anything... I heard Ruby crying while she was trying to talk to her and calm her down. I think she tried to take her, but got frustrated that she wouldn't be quiet..."

A sudden realization made Amanda feel like she had been pulled underwater by a violent undertow. Everything was blurry and suffocating, her panic making it hard to do anything but stand upright with her youngest child in her arms - and even that was a challenge. "Dana," Amanda said in a strangled whisper. "It's Dana."

Audrey's brow furrowed. "Who?"

"Sonny's ex-girlfriend, she's... I knew she was jealous, but..." She started to struggle for air, her breathing quick and erratic from her mounting terror. "Sonny, call her! Now!"

He looked a combination of shocked and frightened as her words registered. He fumbled for his phone in his pocket. "She left for LA yesterday, I-"

"Who else could it be? Sonny, I know it's her!" Amanda cried, the sharp desperation in her voice causing Ruby to whine. "I _know_ she has Luca!"

Phone pressed tightly to his ear, Sonny began to pace. "Her phone is off. The number... it's disconnected," he breathed. He began to quickly thumb through the screen. "I'm callin' my guy at TSA."

Amanda tugged at her lower lip with her free hand, her entire body beginning to tremble. "Oh my God, oh my God..."

"Hey, it's Carisi," Sonny said into the phone. "I need you to do me a favor... no, no I need it right now... listen, I need you to check if a Dana Sinclair flew outta JFK either yesterday or today."

Audrey wrapped her arms tightly around herself and bowed her head, tears dripping onto her shirt.

"Audrey, it's okay, it's alright," Amanda whispered, her palm moving to rub the younger woman's back as she tried her best to soothe her through her own terror. She felt numb, like her limbs were moving on their own accord.

"Why would she do this?" Audrey wondered despondently.

Chewing on her lower lip, Amanda couldn't find her voice to reply. Flashes of her last interaction with Dana flitted through her brain - the insistent tone of Dana's voice, the look of shock and anger that had taken over her features when Amanda had asserted her dominance - and she couldn't help but wonder if this was retaliation. Amanda knew she was envious and hurt, but it never occurred to her that she could be _dangerous._

"Nobody. Nobody by that name has boarded a plane outta JFK," Sonny concluded. "He's gonna put out an alert for her..." He carded a hand through his hair, still moving around the room erratically. "I can't believe this. I had no idea. I had no idea she'd... that she was..." He couldn't seem to finish his thought.

"I talked to her. I talked to her before she left," Amanda admitted breathlessly.

Sonny stood still. His eyes went wide, then they narrowed.

"All I did was ask her not to contact you anymore," she explained. "That's it."

"Did you argue?"

"No! I'm sure she was pissed at me, but it wasn't some big thing. Maybe I was a little... explicit..." she went on, then added hastily, "but we didn't fight. She didn't yell, I didn't yell. It was a five minute interaction."

"Okay, we can't... it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter," Sonny babbled like he was trying to convince himself, resuming his pacing with his hands on his hips.

Amanda couldn't focus on anything Sonny was saying. She wished he would stay in one place, because his frenzied movement only served to fuel her own agitation. Reaching into her back pocket, she pulled out her phone. "I'm callin' Liv."

"Here, I'll take her," Audrey offered softly, reaching for Ruby to take her into her arms.

"Rollins, what's up?" Liv answered Amanda's call after just one ring.

"We need your help," she blurted. "Luca's gone."

There was a brief pause before Liv responded, "what?"

"Sonny and I just got home. Audrey was, somebody forced their way in with a gun, tied her up and put her in the closet. And Luca is gone. He's gone."

"Oh my God-"

"I know who did it. It's Dana."

"Dana? Detective Sinclair?" Liv exclaimed incredulously. "What the hell are you-"

"Liv, can you just... can you come here, please? I'll explain it when you get here," Amanda interrupted forcefully.

"I, yeah. I'm coming right now," Liv told her before hanging up.

* * *

"Dana's an ex-girlfriend of mine," Sonny explained to Liv.

They stood in their now-crowded living room, uniformed officers hovering around them. Sonny balanced Ruby on his hip while Amanda kept her arms tightly crossed, as if she was trying to physically keep herself together. After positively identifying Dana and giving her statement, Audrey had offered to go meet Jesse at school. She would then drop her off at their neighbors' house in order to spare the little girl from the chaos.

"She is?" Liv quirked an eyebrow. "From when?"

"Years ago. Before I came to Manhattan," he told her quickly. "She uh, well I didn't realize she still had feelings for me until she sorta... said something to me a couple weeks ago-"

"What?" Liv and Amanda exclaimed in unison, both of them equally surprised.

"No, no," Sonny insisted frantically. "It was just, she was sort of implyin' that she thought we were meant to be together, even after all this time-"

"She is such a crazy bitch!" Amanda spat. A fresh wave of anger washed over her, a momentary distraction from her panic. "When were you gonna tell me about this?"

"It didn't seem important!" he moaned. "I just figured she was, y'know, clueless or somethin'."

Liv put a hand out to stop them from getting into an unnecessary argument. She looked Sonny in the eye as she asked, "do you really think she is capable of something like this?"

His Adam's apple bobbed in his throat as he swallowed hard. "I have no idea," he admitted quietly. "She's always been... I dunno, a good girl. A good cop. I never knew her to even break a rule, let alone... this..."

"There's something else," Amanda added in a mumble.

Liv rounded on the younger woman. "What?"

"I talked to her before she left."

"What did you say?"

"I asked her not to reach out to Sonny again. I just... I made it clear that she doesn't have a place in his life."

"Amanda..."

"I didn't threaten her!"

"Still-"

"Liv, come on," Amanda pleaded. "She's been sidling up to him this whole time, especially after PS 77. I tried to be nice to her but she wasn't havin' it. I bit my tongue this whole time but... you're tellin' me you could just stand by and watch something like that? I sure as hell couldn't." She pulled in a deep breath and lowered her voice, her throat tightening with emotion as she croaked, "I didn't know she was gonna... I knew she was jealous, but... I never would have said anything if I had known she would, that she was crazy enough to... to _take my kid_..." Speaking the words out loud caused hot tears to spring to her eyes and her lower lip began to quiver. She chewed on it, hard, in hopes that the sharp sting of her teeth would ground her. It wasn't enough; her fear was now etched into all the features of her face.

Sonny moved closer to her, his free arm encircling her shoulders to pull her protectively into his side. "It's alright. It's gonna be alright," he murmured.

Liv's expression softened. "It's not your fault, Amanda," she assured her. "There's absolutely no excuse for this. I've already put out an ABP. All airports are covered and TSA knows, plus Fin is alerting the Department of Transportation. If she leaves the city, we'll know." She looked at Sonny again and asked, "is there anywhere you can think she would go to?"

"I dunno... you gotta believe me, she and I... it's not like we're close. I'd hear from her every now and again but our relationship ended years ago," Sonny replied weakly. "I mean... she's from Staten Island. I know where her folks live. It's, ah, in Lighthouse Hill. 1734 Moore Street, right around the corner from my parents. But she's too smart, Lieu. She wouldn't go there."

"Are you sure?" Liv challenged.

"I mean... no. No, I'm not sure."

"We need to get in touch with her parents in case she's talked to them."

"My mother. They all still go to the same church. She's got their numbers."

Liv entered something into her phone. "I'm going to go over there myself."

"I'll go, too," Sonny insisted, about to hand Ruby off to Amanda.

"No," Liv said curtly, putting a hand out again. She glanced between the two of them, facial expression stern. "Both of you stay here. Sonny, she could call you, so stay by your phone. I'll have TARU tap in just in case she isn't smart enough to use a burner."

Amanda wanted to protest. She wanted to - but she felt as if all the energy she possessed had been stamped out by her overwhelming worry. She was nauseated and foggy; she could hear everyone talking but it was hard for her to focus on the actual words. She had never been less sharp, less like a police officer, than she was in that very moment. In fact, she feared that if she wasn't standing so close to Sonny, she would have simply wilted to the floor.

"Okay," she heard herself reply, her own voice an echo in her head.

"Promise me. Promise me you'll both stay right here," Liv demanded of them.

"I'll stay. We'll stay," Sonny told the lieutenant, an edge of irritation in his voice. "We promise."

* * *

Amanda leaned the side of her head against the cool glass of a living room window. The road outside of their small Astoria home was dark now, illuminated by street lamps and the glow from neighboring houses. In front of their gate sat an unmarked NYPD vehicle, waiting for any sign of activity that could signify Dana's return. Jesse was with her friend Robbie next door, while Ruby slept in her room.

The hours since Luca had been taken had ticked by without any news. Amanda had barely left the living room, phone clutched painfully tight in her hand, feet pacing the floor as she obsessively checked the time. In an abduction, every minute a child was gone meant there was less and less chance of relocating them alive - and Luca had been missing for five and a half hours now. Amanda trusted Liv - she knew the lieutenant was leading all of their colleagues in an extensive and exhaustive search - but she felt incredibly helpless. She had fleeting urges to leave, to take matters into her own hands, but she was so muddled with anxiety that she wasn't even sure what she could do. All of the skills she possessed as a detective felt out of her reach now; she was merely a terrified mother.

Sonny couldn't stop moving. He was downstairs, outside, upstairs, then downstairs again. His brow was creased, his hands were on his hips, through his hair, thrumming against the kitchen countertop. Even though it was as if he was only just barely containing a combustable amount of energy, he was mostly silent. When he finally sat down on the living room couch, Amanda only heard him release a weary exhale.

She kept her head against the glass and her arms around her body. She watched a family walk leisurely down the dark sidewalk: a young boy wearing a bicycle helmet was pushing himself along on a scooter ahead of who she presumed to be his parents. The painfully normal sight made Amanda feel like a fist had suddenly and aggressively squeezed around her heart. Fingers toyed anxiously with the bump of scar tissue at her collarbone. "Remember when Luca was born?"

"Of course I do," she heard Sonny answer her.

"He looked just like you," she recalled softly. She pulled her lower lip in between her teeth as she remembered the moment she had first held Luca in her arms. The thought of labor and delivery was all a haze now, but she would never forget what it was like to meet her second child. "You were so happy... I remember thinkin' how old fashioned it was, being kinda proud that I was able to give you a little boy. A son," she whispered, her voice catching in her throat at the memory, at the reality of the situation that they were in now. Finally turning around, Amanda looked over at Sonny. His head was bowed, and she didn't have to see his face to know exactly what it looked like. "I really didn't know, Sonny," she insisted huskily. "I didn't know talking to her was gonna set her off. You know I would never, ever do anything to put our family at risk..."

Sonny lifted his head, frowned, then rose to his feet. He moved to Amanda's side and his arm went around her waist. "Hey, 'Manda. It's okay, it's alright," he assured her quietly. "You don't have to apologize. This isn't your fault, babe."

"I'm just, you know how he's been lately," she went on, a tremulous hand lifting to rub her forehead, eyes still focused out the window. Tears spilled down her cheeks freely now, too exhausted and frightened to try to contain her distress any longer. "Ever since Ruby was born and I had to stay in the hospital, he's been so attached to me, to us, and now... I bet he's so scared. And his asthma. If he gets all upset and he starts having trouble breathing... I will never forgive myself, Sonny. I will never forgive myself if he's not okay-"

"Amanda, stop. Please, don't think like that," Sonny pleaded. After a minute, he suddenly pulled away from her, throwing his hands up in the air as he walked away. "I am gonna figure this out."

His abrupt departure startled her. She turned and watched him as he snatched his coat off of the hook. "What are you doing?"

"I'm goin' down to the precinct," he said simply, pulling on his jacket and grabbing his badge from the kitchen island.

"Sonny, no." Amanda charged toward him, trailing him as he moved around the house to collect his wallet and keys. "You may be able to convince Liv, but if Dodds finds out-"

"I don't give a damn about Dodds!" Sonny shouted, stopping in front of the door to look at her in angry desperation. "Dana is... she's... I've gotta take care of this. It's my attention she wants. I can't just sit here and, and not do anything while she's off God knows where with Luca."

Amanda swallowed hard; the worry and protectiveness radiating off of Sonny was palpable. "Baby..." she began softly, slowly reaching out for the lapel of his jacket. "There's nothing-"

"Don't tell me there's nothing I can do. Don't," Sonny interrupted her angrily, hands flying as he spoke, "the only reason any of this is happenin' is because of me. I shoulda known. I shoulda known she would twist any interactions we had into something meanin' more than it did. I should have realized she was fucking nuts."

His tone was brash and irritable, but Amanda knew it was because he was hurting. She had been so busy blaming herself that she hadn't realized that Sonny was doing the very same thing. "You couldn't have known," she insisted helplessly, quickly wiping away more tears from her eyes. "I know you, I know you were just trying to be kind to her."

"Yeah, well, some good that did," he replied bitterly. He breezed past her, heading directly for the front door. "I'm goin', Amanda."

Frustrated, she squeezed her eyes shut as her hands gripped her skull. "Sonny..." When she heard the door open, she turned on her heel and ran toward it just to see him bounding down the front steps. "Sonny, come on!" she called after him from the top stair. He kept walking, his long legs carrying him toward the gate and onto the sidewalk as if he hadn't heard her.

"Carisi!" Amanda shouted into the night air, her voice cracking from strain.

"I'll call you," she heard Sonny say from the curb before he disappeared around the corner.


	42. Chapter 42

_only love can hurt like this_

* * *

 **Two years earlier.**

The silky satin fabric of Amanda's wedding dress shone in the warm glow of the lights strung around the Stone Mill's expansive patio. The night air in April was cool, but her flushed skin welcomed the drop in temperature. She peered over the wrought iron railing to watch the Bronx river bubbling over jagged rocks, but she couldn't hear the rush of the water over the party happening inside. _Her_ party. Even though her cheeks were sore from smiling all day, another one pulled at her lips once more.

Self-indulgently, Amanda held out her left hand to admire her wedding set: two thin yellow gold bands, one adored with a simple oval diamond. It was still hard to believe that she was looking at _her_ finger. Admiring her jewelry as if hypnotized, she teetered on the tall heels of her shoes, tipsy off of an abundance of champagne and whiskey. She let out a little giggle of surprise before she began tilting her hand slightly one way then another, trying to see what angle made the precious stone glimmer more impressively.

"Don't lose those in the river."

Amanda whirled around at the familiar sound of Sonny's voice. He stood before her on the patio, a bottle of beer dangling from one hand, his light gray suit vest unbuttoned over his crisp white button-down. His sleeves were rolled up to the elbows, too, a sure sign that he no longer gave a damn about his ensemble. Amanda drank in the sight of his pink cheeks and messy hair and couldn't help but grin again.

Leaning her back against the railing, she pressed her left palm to her chest and covered it with the other, protecting the rings. "I won't."

Sonny walked toward her, closing the space between them to kiss her. His free hand roamed over her waist, palm slipping easy against the silken fabric. "Man, my wife is beautiful," he murmured as he rested his forehead against hers.

She scrunched up her nose, the word _wife_ sending an excited shiver down her spine. "That's so weird."

"You're weird," he quipped childishly.

Reaching up, Amanda draped her arms around his neck. "You're my husband," she remarked, her tone of surprise suggesting that she had only just figured that detail out.

Sonny chuckled. "Yeah, I am." Lifting his head, he kissed her again.

She grazed gentle fingers along the smooth surface of Sonny's cheek. "Thank you for all this."

His brow creased in confusion as he took a sip of his beer, body still pressed close to hers. "For what? All I did was put this suit on and show up."

"No, I mean for..." Amanda scrunched up her nose again and squinted, trying to organize her thoughts. "Your parents and your sisters and... all these random cousins I'll never remember the name of..." She smiled softly as she added, "for Luca."

"Well, the Luca part was my pleasure," Sonny smirked.

"I'm bein' serious!" she laughed, giving his shoulder a playful slap. Meeting his eyes, she chewed on her lower lip, feeling almost bashful as she continued, "I never understood what made family all that special till... till you showed me."

A wide smile took over Sonny's features, his blue eyes bright with obvious adoration. Leaning in, he kissed her forehead, then the tip of her nose. "Thanks for lettin' me."

She held the lapels of his open vest in each hand as her mouth met his languidly, tasting the beer on his tongue, smelling the familiar scent of his skin combined with his cologne. "Come on," she murmured against his lips, a set of fingertips trailing down his chest to find his empty hand. "Come dance with your wife."

Still wearing a goofy grin, Sonny's fingers curled around hers as he allowed Amanda to lead him back inside the bustling reception area. The band introduced another song, something slow and smooth, and she pulled Sonny out onto the floor the moment he abandoned his beer bottle. Body pressed flush with his, Amanda hung an arm around his neck as his palm rested against her lower back. They kept their other hands entwined as they moved together in an easy sway. Amanda was keenly aware of the eyes on them; their wedding guests had watched their every move all night. She likened it to being a strange type of temporary celebrity.

Tilting her chin up slightly, Amanda scrunched her nose as she met Sonny's eyes, her own twinkling with mischief. "Everybody is looking at us."

"I know," he nodded with a lopsided smile, fingers squeezing hers. "You hate that."

She shrugged her slim shoulders. "S'okay..." Bumping her nose affectionately against her husband's, she murmured truthfully, "it's okay like this."

* * *

When Sonny burst into the busy squad room, Liv was perched on the edge of Amanda's desk, surrounded by uniformed officers. Her eyes went wide as the detective charged toward his desk, as if she couldn't believe what she was seeing.

"Carisi, what the hell are you doing here?" she demanded, yanking off her glasses and standing up straight. The officers that had hovered around her skittered away.

"I can't sit at home," he confessed, shaking off his coat and tossing it onto his chair.

"Well, you've got to," Liv insisted, hands on her hips. "Look around, Carisi. Every officer in this precinct is working on this, but you can't be. This is your son. Your judgement is off, it's too personal. You have to go home - and that's an order."

Swallowing hard, Sonny met the lieutenant's gaze. Her features were stern, which was typically enough to cow him into obeying her. He had the utmost respect for Liv - she wasn't just his commanding officer, she had become one of his heroes - but that night he didn't feel his typical pull to be obedient. "No."

Liv suddenly looked as if she had been hit over the head with something very heavy. She was used to Amanda's insubordination, not Sonny's. " _What?_ "

"I said _no_ ," he repeated, tone bolder than how he felt. He quickly moved closer to her as he went on hastily, "with all due respect, Lieu, you know exactly what it feels like to not know where your kid is, to be worried about what's happenin' to him. You couldn't sit back and let other people-"

"Carisi, that's not relevant here," she interrupted curtly, clearly unwilling to engage in that particular topic.

Lowering his voice, Sonny pleaded, "Liv, Amanda is fallin' apart. I've never seen her this way. I can't just... watch it." He let his hands fall uselessly at his sides. "At least if I'm here I feel like I'm doin' something, like I'm helpin'. Please."

Liv's stare threatened to bore a hole straight through him. She was silent for what seemed like a lifetime; Sonny could practically see the gears in her mind turning. "Alright. In my office. Now," she finally concluded before stalking away.

Sonny followed her eagerly, long legs carrying him into her office right at her heels. While Liv sunk into her desk chair, Sonny was too anxious to sit down. He crossed his arms tightly over his chest and hovered instead.

"Maybe it's good you're here," the lieutenant sighed. "We haven't gotten anywhere. If Sinclair left the state, she must have teleported, because there's no evidence of her going anywhere by plane, train or car." She looked frazzled, and while Sonny appreciated her obvious emotional investment in the situation, he wasn't feeling encouraged. "Where did you two meet?"

"The Academy," he replied.

"How was your relationship?" Liv wondered.

"It was fine." He started to pace. "We never fought. I mean, at the end we did-"

"About what?" she interrupted.

"She wanted me to move to Los Angeles with her," Sonny explained weakly, eyes on the floor as he moved back and forth. "I said 'no,' obviously. Then she wanted to try a long distance thing and I just... I dunno. I was startin' law school, I couldn't imagine balancin' it all..." Pausing, he glanced over at his lieutenant. "I always knew she wasn't _the one_ , y'know? But, now I'm thinkin' that maybe I was that, to her."

"I know I've asked you this but, can you think of _any_ place she would go?" she pressed him. "Any place at all? Maybe somewhere that meant something to you two? A place you guys would go together?"

Liv was asking him all of the same questions Sonny often posed when he was working a missing persons case. Sometimes he got frustrated with a collateral contact's difficulty remembering, their muddled emotional responses - but now he understood just how hard it was to recall details when you were distracted by terror. "I... no. I mean, I was broke, she was broke... we cooked at my place a lot, or at hers..." Sonny rambled, exasperated. "Every few months, if we could coordinate it and the weather was good, we'd go to my uncle's place on the Jersey shore, in Tom's River. But my uncle's been dead four years now and my family hasn't really done anything with the place since..."

She picked up a pen. "Do you remember the address?"

"Yeah," he nodded. "Yeah, it's, uh... 3 Dock Street..."

Liv scrawled down the location on her desk blotter, then picked up her phone again. "I'm going to contact the department up there and have them check the place out. It's a stretch, but we can't leave any stone unturned, and it's possible she was able to leave the city way before you guys even got home."

* * *

Sonny cracked open a can of Coke in the break room, desperate for the caffeine. He was exhausted despite the fact that he felt like he hadn't been able to _do_ anything at all. Of course, he would never be able to actually _rest_ \- not with his precious son missing - and he would stay awake for days if it meant ensuring the little boy's safe return. Just as he was about to take a sip of soda, Sonny's phone buzzed in his pocket. Abandoning the can on the table, he frantically fumbled for the device to see Amanda's name across the screen.

"Hey. Are you okay?" he answered the call anxiously, his pulse beginning to pound with concern.

"Yeah, everything is fine here," Amanda replied. "I'm just... I'm just worried."

Sonny exhaled. "I know..." Sinking into a chair, he toyed with the tab of the Coke can. "Is Jesse home?"

"Yeah, she's back now," she told him, sounding distracted. "Your mother is coming over."

"Okay, yeah, good," he nodded. "That's good."

"Sonny, I feel sick," Amanda whispered. "I don't know what to do here. I am, I'm scared outta my mind. Every second he's gone-"

"I know, 'Manda. I know," he interjected gently. He felt like he was being repeatedly punched in the stomach. "I'm tryin'. I've been racking my brain, tryin' to think of any place she could be..."

"What if we never find him?" she went on despondently, her voice now thick with tears. "What if he becomes like all those other kids we see on NCMEC? How are we supposed to, how are we gonna..." She let out a strangled sob, unable to finish her sentence.

His elbow resting on the table, he dropped his forehead into his hand, overwhelmed by his own helplessness. "You can't think like that."

"I can't help it," Amanda snapped sharply. "How can you be so calm with one of kids missin'?"

"I'm not calm!" he exclaimed, annoyed by the insinuation. "I'm just tryin' to keep a level head here. It's not gonna help if both of us are worked up."

He heard Amanda let out a shaky sigh on the other end of the phone. After a moment of quiet, she croaked, "I just want him back."

"We're gonna get him back," Sonny insisted with a certainty he didn't really possess. He squeezed the bridge of his nose and screwed his eyes shut in a feeble effort to manage his own anxiety. "Just, I need you to be there for Jesse and Ruby, okay?" he went on quietly. "Lieu's pissed I'm here. She's not gonna be happy if you show up, too."

"I'm trying, I'm not goin' anywhere... it's just... if it weren't for the kids bein' here, I'd fucking..."

"I know." He knew her well enough to understood what she was implying: if their other children hadn't needed her, she would be conducting a manhunt herself.

"If she harms a hair on Luca's head, I'll kill her," Amanda breathed menacingly. "You know I will. If she thinks she's gonna get away with this..."

"She's not gettin' away with anything," Sonny asserted, suddenly going hot with his own anger. "Over my dead body is she gettin' away with this."

There was rustling on the other end of the line. "The baby's up," Amanda said wearily. "I dunno why. I gotta go check on her."

"I'll call you soon, babe," he told her quietly. "I promise, it's all gonna be okay."

"Don't... don't say that."

"Why not?"

She released an unsteady breath. "'Cause if it isn't okay, that makes you a liar."

* * *

"Amanda?"

Amanda was jerked suddenly out of her trance. She looked away from the window she had been staring blankly out of to see Sonny's mother walking toward her across the living room. "Hm?"

"You should eat something," Mrs. Carisi suggested gently, hovering at her side. "Do you want me to heat up a plate from dinner for you?"

"No. Thanks." Amanda shook her head. "I don't think I can."

Mrs. Carisi nodded slowly. "Well, the baby's asleep. Jesse's in her pajamas, playin' with her dolls in her room. She knows she's gotta go to bed soon."

Amanda offered the older woman a weak smile. "Thank you."

Eyes flickering to the phone in her daughter-in-law's grip, Mrs. Carisi asked, "anything?"

She shook her head again. Pulling in a deep breath, she dragged her free fingers through her hair, dislodging some of it from her sloppy ponytail. "I just keep thinking... if I was here... " Amanda eventually trailed off in a whisper. She swallowed hard as she gathered her thoughts. "This isn't Audrey's fault. I love her. For the past five years she's been so much more than a sitter to me, to us. But I can't help but think, if I was _here_ with them, if I didn't have to have somebody else look after them all the time..."

"You can't, Amanda. You can't work like you do and watch three kids full time. That's ridiculous," Mrs. Carisi insisted.

"That's the thing, though. That's what gets me," she went on weakly. "Am I being selfish, holding on so hard to my career? Is it unfair to my kids to spend most of their time with a sitter? Am I, am I not doin' right by them?" She felt her eyes well up and she squeezed them shut, hoping to stave off the tears. "If I had just been here with my own kids, where I'm supposed to be... maybe I could have stopped this. Maybe it never would have happened at all."

"You don't know that," Mrs. Carisi said, settling a comforting hand on Amanda's back. "Everybody has their own circumstances. Everybody parents differently. There's no right way."

"Yeah, well, I'm pretty sure lettin' your kid get abducted is the _wrong_ way," she sneered, the heel of her palm rubbing at one of her eyes roughly.

"This is a terrible situation," Sonny's mother whispered after a moment of silence. "I know Dominick's goin' out of his mind with worry at home, he's beside himself. We all are." She sighed. "You know... I remember one of the very first times Sonny told me about you. I remember him saying, 'she's like superwoman. She does everything.' He's exactly right, but this... this, even superwoman couldn't have seen coming."

Amanda felt her lower lip begin to tremble. Her brows furrowed with the effort not to cry as she kept her gaze focused out of the window.

"Sit down, would you?" she went on to suggest, nudging her. "You're gonna burn a hole right through this nice carpet."

Too tired to argue, Amanda moved to drop down onto the couch, her body heavy as she sunk into the cushions. Mrs. Carisi sat down close beside her and set a hand on her daughter-in-law's knee. "I'm prayin' as hard as I can," she promised Amanda. "That little boy is the light of our life. All of your kids are. Ruby is just the sweetest and Jesse, she is so clever and feisty, just like her mother."

Despite her sadness, Amanda let out a little huff of laughter at the comparison. "I dunno if that's a good thing."

"It's a great thing." She squeezed Amanda's knee. "This... this is the ultimate test of faith. And I know you, I know you're always thinkin' the worst-"

"I can't help that, all I ever _see_ is the worst," Amanda interrupted wearily.

"I know, I know," Mrs. Carisi soothed. "And that must be really hard for you. But I've seen a lot of good, and I've witnessed a few miracles. There's no reason this can't be one of them."

* * *

"Where's this picture from?" Liv asked from her spot perched on the edge of Sonny's desk. In her hand she held a framed photograph of Jesse and Luca, the two children grinning widely as they clung to one another in front of the side of a classic red barn.

"Oh, that?" Sonny looked up from his scribbles - he had been funneling his anxious energy into doodling nonsensically all over his note pad. "Last fall, from some pumpkin patch in Long Island Amanda found online." He added sheepishly, "I just liked the picture 'cause the two of them are hugging, instead of rippin' out chunks of each other's hair."

Liv offered him a small smile as she set the photograph back down carefully. "You're good parents, the both of you."

"Thanks, Lieu," he murmured, flattered even despite his worry.

Fin appeared seemingly out of no where, breathless, his phone in his hand. He looked between the lieutenant and Sonny. "Carisi, your uncle's place... you said nobody's been living there for years?"

"Yeah. Not since my uncle died." Leaning back in his chair, he fiddled with his pen. "My ma still hasn't been able to face cleaning it all out," he explained grimly.

"According to Tom's River PD, the infrared says there's people inside," Fin said. "Two, maybe three."

Shocked, Sonny's blood went cold as his pen fell from his fingers.

Liv jumped to her feet. "Are they sure? We've gotta get over there, now." She reached for her own phone in her pocket as she ordered, "Fin, tell them not to budge till we get there."

"Copy that," Fin nodded before quickly moving to his own desk.

The lieutenant turned back to Sonny, appearing somewhat pained. "Tell Rollins."


	43. Chapter 43

**AN:** Here is some fluffy stuff 'cause I'm feeling nice (and I also get sick pleasure out of keeping people in suspense). I'll try to update sooner next time!

* * *

 _the years of hope / the months of rain / now that we're outside of it / I guess we survived it after all_

* * *

 **Seven years earlier.**

Sunlight seared through the darkness of Amanda's eyelids. With a groan, she blinked, a sharp pain rocketing through her head in response to the brightness pouring into her room. They had forgotten to shut the blinds last night, too distracted by their liquor-fueled lust to bother. Amanda hazily remembered the hours before they had made it back to her Long Island City apartment: McCaffree's pub, the bar lined with the remnants tequila shots and whiskey neats, his hand creeping up her thigh as she attempted to sloppily socialize with the new girl from Warrants. After last call, the two of them had practically devoured one another in the backseat of a cab before they stumbled inside as one, drunk and horny unit.

Rolling gingerly onto her side, Amanda encountered his bare back, the muscles there slack beneath olive skin. She didn't dare touch him, but soon enough he was stirring. Without turning around, he half-hearted punched at his pillow in an attempt to fluff it up beneath his head.

"What time is it?" Nick Amaro rumbled.

"Eight thirty," she answered, voice hoarse from sleep.

"Shit," he exclaimed, suddenly sitting up. He ran a hair through his dark, disheveled hair. "I gotta go. Zara... she's got some science fair thing... I promised I'd be there..."

Amanda nodded wordlessly as she sat up, too. She pulled her knees to her chest and fiddled with the strap of her tank top as she watched Nick dart around her room, clambering back into the clothes he had worn last night. She hadn't expected they would spend the day together - they definitely were not dating - but for some reason she already felt lonely and Nick hadn't even left yet. Maybe it had something to do with the timing.

"It's my birthday," she revealed to him casually, as if she was merely noting the weather. She didn't know why she felt compelled to tell him, but it left her mouth before she could stop herself.

Nick's brow furrowed as he continued to button up his shirt, very obviously preoccupied. "Oh. Yeah? Happy birthday."

She chewed the inside of her bottom lip, somewhat stung by his lackluster response. It wasn't fair: she always made a big deal about how she hated her birthday, so how could she expect others to display any sort of enthusiasm? Perhaps Amanda had secretly hoped that Nick would want to acknowledge it, like he believed it to be something special. Maybe she wanted him to convince her that it she worth celebrating.

"I'll call you later," Nick told her hurriedly once he was dressed. The words sounded hollow, like he spoke them because it was just something you _said,_ not because you were actually going to do it. He snatched his wallet and keys from her bedside table before he disappeared, leaving Amanda alone in her bed.

* * *

 **Five and a half years earlier.**

Amanda leaned back in her chair and yawned. The precinct was dark except for the glow of her lamp; almost everybody was gone at eight thirty on a Friday night. Huffing out a sigh, she slumped over, resting her elbow on her desk and her chin in her hand. She tapped her fingers rhythmically against her cheek, blue eyes staring blankly at her laptop screen. She wondered what Jesse was doing. Not much, probably: she was still a sweet little baby who couldn't yet walk or talk. Even so, Amanda wanted to be with her.

Working full-time and being a single mother was hard - probably the hardest thing she had ever done. Amanda often felt like one role had to suffer in order for the other to prosper; would balance ever be possible? This week, she had fallen so behind on her incident reports that Liv noticed. Wanting to avoid any conflict with her commanding officer, Amanda had downed an extra cup of coffee just as the rest of her squad disappeared for the weekend and set to work on catching up. Jesse was home with the sitter, well taken care of, and it wasn't like Amanda had any other plans.

Even if it was her birthday.

Nobody knew - and she preferred it that way. She didn't have any qualms about getting older, but she did intensely despise being the center of attention. Amanda didn't want balloons or presents or people jumping out from behind things screaming _surprise!_ She had kept herself alive another year - and was somehow simultaneously meeting the immense needs of her beautiful but demanding daughter - and that was enough.

" _Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..._ "

The sound of a familiar voice singing made Amanda's eyes grow wide. She was momentarily frozen in place with her genuine surprise and confusion: wandering through the dim squad room was Sonny Carisi, carefully holding a little plate of some kind of pastry, a candle stuck right on top of it, flame flickering as he moved. Slowly, Amanda pulled her chin off of her palm and sat up. She cast a glance over her shoulder, self-conscious despite the fact that they were alone. It was hard for Amanda to ignore the way her heartbeat started picking up in her chest as Sonny came closer to her; that happened a lot recently. "Carisi, what are you doing? You're still here?"

"Yeah, I'm still here." He approached her desk and set down what Amanda could now see was a glowing piece of tiramisu. He dropped down into the chair beside her, long limbs loose and relaxed, features bright with his familiar grin. "And I'm singin' you happy birthday. Badly."

Amanda's gaze flickered to the dessert between them to avoid looking him in the eye, suddenly bashful. "What's... what is that?"

"It is a piece of tiramisu with a candle in it," Sonny answered. "Full disclosure, I didn't make it myself. I picked it up from Pangione's."

She chewed the inside of her cheek, watching the wavering flame of the candle. Her stomach flip-flopped in her abdomen at the sweetness of Sonny's gesture; it left her momentarily speechless. If he had told her he was going to do something like this, Amanda would have cringed and refused. Now, though, she simply felt special.

"Well, c'mon," he coaxed her. "You gotta make a wish and blow out the candle."

Amanda scrunched up her nose. "Carisi..."

"C'mon, before the fire alarm goes off," Sonny insisted.

Obediently, Amanda closed her eyes. Even though she couldn't see him, she could feel Sonny looking at her. Of course he wouldn't know if she didn't _actually_ make a wish, but if she did it, if she asked the universe for anything, what would it be? More money? A nicer apartment? For Frannie to live forever? Or maybe it would be nice to feel as special as she did in that small moment, to have somebody pay attention to her in a quiet, genuine way that had nothing to do with putting on a show and everything to do with the simple desire to make her happy. Filling her lungs with air, she held her breath for a second before exhaling, the force of the air putting out the flame.

"Alright! Now we can eat it," he said enthusiastically, clapping his hands together and hopping to his feet to lope over to his desk. He tugged open a drawer, rummaged around and pulled out two forks.

She quirked an eyebrow in amusement. "You keep forks in your desk?"

Sonny looked confused. "Yeah. Doesn't everybody?" Back in his seat, he offered Amanda a utensil.

Taking the the fork, Amanda dug it into the piece of tiramisu. "How'd you know it was my birthday?"

"Fin told me," he admitted. "When I asked him what you were doin' for it, he said that you hate your birthday and had work to do."

"What a bigmouth," she grumbled. She licked cream off of her fork and sighed. "I've just been fallin' behind with my reports... I keep trying to take stuff home, but then Jesse cries or needs something and I get distracted..."

He nodded and chewed thoughtfully. "How come you hate your birthday?"

"I don't know." She poked at the rich dessert. "I'm really not into... celebrations, in general."

"Oh, yeah, that's surprising," he remarked sarcastically.

She rolled her eyes. "I just... I don't like bein' the center of attention that way. Plus, growing up, they were never a big deal."

Sonny nodded again and for a few minutes, they ate together in comfortable silence, both of them huddled over the dwindling tiramisu on her desk.

"Why are you here?" Amanda wondered eventually, gaze lifting to study Sonny's face. "It's Friday night. Don't you have some wild law school party to go to?"

"There isn't a lotta partying in law school, actually," he admitted, tone dry. "Most of the drinkin' is done alone with your books."

"That's depressing," she murmured.

Sonny shrugged. "Eh, makes essay writing interestin'."

Amanda couldn't suppress the grin tugging at her mouth. "I should get home soon," she realized with a sigh, then added sheepishly, "the sitter... she probably has a life even if I don't, so..." She felt sad at the prospect of leaving, and it had nothing to do with the desire to complete more reports. Before she lost the courage, she focused her gaze on her fork prodding the last bit of cake as she asked Sonny, "but, uh, you wanna come over? I mean, you don't have to, if you'd rather... drink with your books or-"

"No, yeah, sure. I'll come over," he interrupted.

She tried to make sure her facial expression was benign when she met Sonny's eyes. "Jesse'll be asleep so you won't get to hang out with her..."

He offered her a mischievous smile as he asked, "will _you_ be awake?"

She nodded. "Ideally, yeah."

Sonny's grin grew. "Good."

 **xxx**

They had been sleeping together since May. That's all it was - sex. Sure, they also ate a lot of meals together, knew one another's hopes and fears, were their most comfortable and genuine in each other's presence, had become accustomed to quirks and habits, likes and dislikes, but... no, nope, Amanda was quite adamant that they were absolutely _not_ in a relationship. Of course, she was the only person she was attempting to convince. It frightened her to acknowledge the feelings Sonny had awoken inside of her. She quickly realized that he was different from all of the others in a very substantial and meaningful way. Amanda couldn't articulate how she knew it, she simply _did_. The need to be around him was like some strange gravitational pull that she was helpless to resist. She wasn't worthy of him; she was convinced that this was the universe's cruel joke on her heart. Always a glutton for punishment, Amanda repeatedly entangled herself with Sonny anyway.

Pulling in a steadying breath, Amanda wriggled her shoulders back and knocked on Sonny's apartment door. When he opened it, he appeared surprised. As he should have been: she hadn't told him she would be coming over.

"Rollins! Hey," he greeted her.

"Hi," she smiled. "Can I come in?"

"'Course." He stepped aside to allow her to enter his apartment, then shut the door behind them both. "I'm happy to see you," he told her, standing close enough in front of her so he could reach out and graze her waist with his fingertips. They weren't at the point where they greeted one another with a kiss, but Sonny was always touching her somehow. He furrowed his brow as he realized, "I thought... didn't you say you weren't free tonight..?"

"Mm. Moved some things around," Amanda responded vaguely. She brushed her bangs away from her eyes as she looked up at him. "It's your birthday. I wanted to see you on your birthday."

"Oh, well, thanks," he grinned. "I'm really glad."

Her gaze flickered around his now-familiar apartment. "I thought you'd be out."

"Yeah, I'm meetin' up with some people in an hour or so," he explained.

"I got you something." She began to untie the belt of her favorite olive green trench coat.

Sonny raised his eyebrows. "You didn't have to do that."

"I'm pretty sure it's your size..." With the belt loose, Amanda first shrugged off her purse, then let her jacket pool at her feet revealing her body clad only in bright red lingerie: a barely-there sheer lace and tulle bra, a waspie underbust corset cinched around her ribs and matching panties. She stood taller than usual in nude pumps, and she blinked up at Sonny wearing a coquettish smile.

Sonny's eyes widened with his shock, his pupils dilating so intensely that they almost overtook the blue of the irises. "Jesus Christ," he breathed.

"Let's not bring the Lord into this, hm?" Amanda suggested coyly. She reached for the buckle of his belt, using it pull their bodies closer together, barely a sliver a space left between them. "I'm not so sure He'd approve."

His hands hovered over her sides, as if he was afraid to touch her. His eyes drifted downward to the swell of her cleavage brushing against his chest. "Did you... did you come all the way from Long Island City in just a coat... and...?" he stammered.

Amanda toyed with the leather of his belt, slowly inching the tongue out of a loop. Even while her fingers moved, she watched Sonny's face intently, high off of his attention and the way he was staring like he had been starving for the sight of her. "Mhm."

"Damn," he intoned. "You're so fuckin' hot."

"I know you've got plans, but... maybe you could be a little late...?" she suggested sweetly, fingers pausing at his metal buckle as she stared up at him with wide, innocent eyes, as if she really expected him to refuse.

Sonny answered Amanda by crushing his mouth against hers, simultaneously pressing their bodies together and her back against the front door. She flung her arms around his neck and melted into his touch, dizzy with the sudden lack of air and her excitement. It had been a risk to show up to his apartment unannounced wearing only a coat and form-fitting lace - what if he found it weird or unattractive? Or worse: what if Sonny was spending his birthday with somebody else? Despite their closeness, they technically weren't dating, and they had never had a discussion about only sleeping with one another. She would have no right to be angry if she discovered him with another woman, but she knew that all the logic in the world wouldn't be able to harness her fiery temper.

She felt his palms roving greedily over her, squeezing at her hips, her ass, her chest. Did he touch anybody else with the same kind of possessiveness? A jolt of jealousy coursed through Amanda at the mere thought. With other men, her intimate experiences were mindless. With Sonny, the gears in her head were almost constantly turning.

She was immediately distracted by the sensation of his hands behind her thighs as he hoisted her up so her legs wrapped instinctively around his waist. Amanda let out a giggle of surprise as her forehead bumped his, and in between breathless kisses, she caught sight of the smug smirk on Sonny's face as he carried her across the apartment to his bed. For some reason, it made Amanda feel victorious.

When shins hit the edge of the mattress, they both tumbled on to it, a mess of tangled limbs and groping hands. Amanda quickly wriggled out from beneath Sonny's body to force him onto his back, and the moment he sunk into the bed she climbed on top of him. Straddling his hips, Amanda peered down at him with heavy-lidded eyes. A flush was creeping up Sonny's neck, tinging his cheeks pink. As he wet his lips, he eyed her as if he was seconds away from devouring her.

Amanda allowed her palms to slide down his chest and the flat plane of his abdomen before they slipped up her own body. She used her fingers to slowly untie the delicate bow at the center of her bra, the only bit of fabric keeping the garment together. "Happy birthday, Carisi."

* * *

 **Five months earlier.**

Almost eight months pregnant, Amanda walked home alone. She had spent ten hours at the precinct and was preparing for a lecture from Sonny about her poor work-life balance, although she was hoping he would choose to spare her that night - because it was her birthday. Like every other year that passed, Amanda hadn't wanted any of the pomp and circumstance that often came with celebrating age. While Sonny had had the day off, she went to work as she was schedule, hoping to stay as involved with SVU as possible until she was put on mandatory bed rest by her physician.

The house was dark when she let herself in. She toed her shoes off at the door, shrugged off her coat and her purse, but forgot her badge on her hip. Her gun was locked in the safe at the precinct since she wasn't allowed in the field. Barefoot, Amanda padded into the kitchen. Lunch felt like a million years ago and she was starving. A hand strayed to the light switch and she flicked it on...

" _Happy birthday!_ " a chorus of voices shouted.

Eyes and mouth wide with surprise, Amanda took in the sight: the kitchen was filled with multicolored balloons hovering at the ceiling, the island was covered in confetti, and Sonny stood before her holding a cake with Jesse and Luca jumping up and down excitedly at his feet. "Happy birthday, happy birthday!" the children continued to chirp enthusiastically, arms and legs flailing as they ran circles around their father.

"You guys!" Amanda exclaimed, pressing a palm to her racing heart in genuine shock.

"Can we sing?" Jesse asked, looking up at Sonny. "I wanna sing!"

"Alright, let me light the candles first," Sonny chuckled, setting the cake down on the island. He gave Amanda a grin as he pulled his hands away from the plate with a flourish: "chocolate with peanut butter frosting."

She clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth in appreciative awe. "Oh, my favorite..."

"Mhm..." He dug around one of the drawers in the kitchen and turned back around with a lighter. Carefully, he lit all of the candles (she was relieved there were only ten) until the entire cake was glowing. "Okay, there we go. _Now_ we're ready to sing."

Jesse clambered up onto one of the seats at the island, while Luca tugged at Sonny's leg so he'd pick him up. Hoisting the toddler up against his hip, Sonny looked between both of the children expectantly. Simultaneously, they all began to sing, " _happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday, dear mama. Happy birthday to you!_ " Their voices were mismatched, Luca having trouble keeping up with the words and Jesse over-eager, but it was sweetest rendition of the song Amanda had ever heard. When they were finished, they all clapped and cheered loudly.

"Blow out the candles! Make a wish and blow out the candles!" Jesse demanded excitedly.

"C'mon, help me do it," Amanda said, grinning widely at the performance she had just witnessed. Both children leaned in, all of them hovering over the cake. She closed her eyes, making a show of making a wish - although she realized that she couldn't think of a single thing that her life was lacking. Even so, she counted them down - "one... two... three..." - and with a dramatic exhale, the flames all flickered and died out with their combined effort. Luca and Jesse clapped again.

"What did you wish for?" Jesse wondered.

"Can't tell ya. Then it won't come true," Amanda replied with a wink.

"Can we give her her presents?" the little girl asked Sonny. "Can we?"

"Sure we can," he agreed as he retrieved plates from a cabinet, still toting Luca around.

Climbing off of the stool, Jesse scurried into the living room and quickly returned with an armful of items. Once she was back in her chair, she first pushed a folded-in-half piece of blue construction paper toward her mother. It was taped shut and something was obviously hidden inside. "I made it."

"Ooh..." Amanda carefully opened the paper to find it covered in glitter glue hearts and stars, a sloppy handwritten message in the middle: _hapy birthday Mama i Love you LOVE JESSE_. Also inside was a bracelet made with tightly packed plastic beads in varying shades of blue.

"Your favorite. Your favorite color is blue, you said," Jesse explained eagerly.

"Jesse, I love it," she gasped. "It's beautiful, I'm gonna put it on right now." She slid the bracelet onto her wrist next to her watch, then held out her arm proudly. "There, how's that?"

Jesse reached out and touched the new piece of jewelry reverently. "Pretty."

Leaning in, she squeezed Jesse's shoulders and kissed the top of her head. "Thank you, Jess. It's just what I wanted."

"Me!" Luca chirped from Sonny's arms, straining toward his mother.

With a free hand, Sonny picked up the other piece of white paper Jesse had brought into the kitchen and stuck it in a set of Luca's fingers. "C'mon, show your mother what you made," he prompted him.

Luca thrust the paper toward Amanda. "Here, mama."

"Let's see..." She took it from her son's hand and turned it over to find what looked like a finger painting, barely any of the original paper visible underneath the smatterings of reds, blues, greens and yellows. "Oh, wow, Lu," she exclaimed. "This is so nice. Did you make this?"

The little boy nodded shyly. "Uh huh."

"Wow. I'm gonna put this right in a frame." Leaning in, Amanda cupped Luca's cheek and kissed the other one. "Thank you, baby."

Sonny pushed a little gift bag toward her across the surface of the island. "And something from me, of course."

She frowned, brow furrowed. She had specifically asked for absolutely _nothing_. "Sonny. I told you not-"

"Relax. It's not a big deal," he insisted.

Skeptical, Amanda moved aside tissue paper and peeked inside the bag. She pulled out three little onesies, all of them adorned with various renditions of the Atlanta Braves logo.

"You win," Sonny told her with a grin. "This can be a Braves baby."

A wide smile pulled at the corners of Amanda's mouth as she looked, delighted, between the baby's new outfits and her husband. "Yes!" she exclaimed victoriously before she rushed to lean in and kiss him.

"Happy birthday," he grumbled as if he had only given her the gift begrudgingly, but his eyes were bright with a satisfaction he couldn't hide.

 **xxx**

Later that night, Amanda began to fold the new onesies, nestling them into the top drawer of the baby's dresser. Her fingers grazed over the neat rows of clothing, all of the fabric soft and clean. Many of the outfits had belonged to Jesse and Luca when they were younger; Amanda had picked out all of the gender-neutral things to save for her third child.

"Whatcha doin'?" she heard Sonny's voice ask from the doorway of the nursery.

Amanda glanced over her shoulder. "Just putting this stuff away."

His tall frame loomed close behind her, a hand on her waist as he peered into the dresser. "Oh, wow, you got that all organized, huh?"

"Yeah," she nodded.

He gave her a squeeze. "Looks good."

Shutting the drawer, Amanda turned around, the swell of her pregnant stomach between them. "Thank you for tonight."

"You're welcome." Sonny ran his palms against the sides of her abdomen as he added with a sheepish smile, "I know you don't like your birthday but, the kids really wanted to sing and give you something."

"I loved it. It was perfect." She stood on her toes and kissed him, her throat suddenly tight with emotion as she realized how lucky she was.

Sonny wrapped his arms around her, pulling her in as close as he could given the size of her stomach. She dropped her forehead to rest it against his shoulder, her fingers toying with the soft fabric of his shirt at his sides. "I'm glad," he told her. "We wanted to make sure ya knew how much we love you."

She sniffled, blinking her eyes rapidly to stave off tears. _Damn hormones._ She wasn't sad, she was overwhelmed in the best kind of way. "I love you a lot. Y'all are... you're the best presents."


	44. Chapter 44

**AN** : Despite the fact that the SVU writers clearly struggle immensely with consistency, I'm kinda digging that Mia exists. Should I do something with her? If so, what?

* * *

 _even if we can't find heaven / I'll walk through hell with you_

* * *

"Has anybody gone in yet?" Amanda demanded of Fin the second she was in the passenger seat of his patrol car.

He pulled away from the curb in front of her house immediately. "No. They're waiting for us to get there, Liv's orders."

"When'd Carisi and Liv leave?"

"A half hour ago."

"Is ESU involved?"

"They are now, yeah."

"Are they _sure_ there's people inside the house? You know-"

"Amanda," Fin interrupted her quietly but firmly. His gaze flickered over to her. "You know how this works. Everybody is doin' the best they can."

She pressed her lips together and glared out her window, watching the city fly by as Fin quickly navigated through the familiar neighborhoods. She was so riled up, she didn't know whether she felt like crying or screaming.

"I know you're worried," Fin went on. "And I know-"

"No, Fin. You don't," she snapped, rounding on him again. "You don't know."

* * *

New York and New Jersey police shut down Dock Street in Tom's River. Number three was surrounded by squad cars, ambulances and ESU vehicles, their continuous flashes of red and blue lighting up the night. Neighbors peered curiously out of their windows while the media quickly began to encroach on the blocked off space in hopes of breaking the story first - even if they weren't exactly sure what was even happening.

Amanda jumped out of the car before Fin had even brought it to a complete stop. Badge in hand, she wove through the perimeter of officers and ducked beneath the yellow police tape to find Liv and Sonny. They stood at the back of an ESU van with two people from NJPD. Amanda didn't acknowledge the strangers and turned immediately to her lieutenant. The moment Liv saw Amanda, she didn't bother with unnecessary small talk.

"We've got the house surrounded," she explained. "I'm gonna send ESU to the front door-"

"No. _No,_ " Amanda interrupted frantically. "I want you to go with them. I want you in charge. I don't want those clowns messin' this up."

Liv looked uneasy. "Amanda-"

"Liv, please!" she pleaded, unable to bear the idea of the alternative. For all of her issues with her lieutenant, she trusted her skill and judgment and she needed it now more than ever. "Or I'm doing it myself."

The brunette rubbed her forehead, clearly conflicted. Technically, Liv shouldn't have been so deeply involved either - her closeness to Sonny and Amanda meant the case could be considered too personal - but Amanda was hoping tonight wouldn't be the night the commanding officer of SVU decided to play by the rules. "Alright," Liv conceded quietly. "Alright."

Amanda felt the tiniest bit of relief, although it was clouded by a fear that wouldn't relent until her child was found safe. She couldn't even manage a 'thank you' before Liv was jogging off to talk with ESU and the NJPD captain.

"I can't stand bein' out here, waitin'," Sonny breathed, hands on his hips as he began to pace. "I just wanna bust in there and..."

"Shoot her?" Amanda finished his sentence. She wasn't joking: the gears in her mind were already turning, wondering if she could get enough of a view through a window and take Dana down with one well-placed bullet.

"Liv's goin'," Sonny announced abruptly, standing in place to watch their lieutenant approach the house.

Amanda gripped Sonny's forearm, holding her breath as she saw Liv knock on the door. They were too far away to hear much of anything and she wasn't wearing a wire. In terse silence, they watched as Liv pressed herself closer, seemingly talking to Dana through the wood between them. A few long minutes passed before the lieutenant was pulling away and sprinting back toward the police perimeter.

"She wants Carisi," Liv announced breathlessly.

"Is Luca okay?" Sonny asked anxiously.

"She won't tell me," she sighed. "She'll only talk to you."

"No." Amanda shook her head furiously in protest. "Hell no. He's not going in there. Somebody just, get somebody to line up a shot and-"

Liv reached for her. "Slow down, Amanda-"

Amanda was distracted by Sonny, who was tearing off his bulletproof vest and gun, dumping all of into the back of the ESU van. "What the hell are you doing?" she demanded.

"I'm goin' in," he told her brusquely, jamming his badge onto his hip. "She's not gonna talk to me with my vest and gun on, I know it."

"You are not!" she sputtered in disbelief. "I'm not having both of you trapped inside there with her!"

As if he hadn't heard Amanda, Sonny looked at Liv, his expression stern and expectant. "Lieutenant, tell me I can't go, and I won't."

Liv looked exasperated as she glanced between the two detectives. She pressed her lips together, silent as she weighed the options, all of them risky. Her gaze lingered on Amanda for an extra few seconds before she turned to Sonny. "Go. Don't do anything stupid," she told him curtly. "I'm moving ESU closer and the second we hear anything, we're moving in. Got it?"

Sonny nodded. "Got it."

* * *

He could hear his heartbeat in his ears as he knocked on the door of his uncle's old summer home. Sonny hadn't been there in years; it used to hold warm memories of lazy days on the sprawling beach and cool nights playing cards with his cousins on the porch. He hated the terrible potential it had now.

"Dana?" Sonny called through the wood. "It's me. It's Sonny. Can you let me in?"

He was answered with silence, then Dana's familiar voice asking: "just you?"

"Yeah," he responded eagerly.

"You have your gun?"

"No. Nothing. Not even a vest. Just me."

The door knob twitched and Sonny jumped backward in anticipation. The door creaked open just slightly, revealing a sliver of Dana's face as she surveyed the porch to assure Sonny was truly alone. She opened it only a bit wider to allow Sonny inside; he angled his body to quickly slip through. The living room was dark, lit only by a camping lantern set on the coffee table. The place was dusty, musty and falling apart, a far cry from the bright vacation residence Sonny once knew.

The instant the door clicked shut behind him, Dana skittered further into the living room, turned around and pointed her gun directly at Sonny with shaky hands. He stopped, keeping several feet between them, and slowly put both of his palms up. Dana's bright green eyes were wild as she watched him.

Motionless, his gaze flitted around the old room. "Where's Luca? Is he okay?"

"He's fine," Dana told him irritably. "He's playing in the master bedroom."

Sonny exhaled.

"Is that all you care about?" she snapped.

"Dana... what are you doin'?" he asked weakly. "This isn't... this isn't you."

"I just... I didn't know how else to get your attention!" she cried.

"So you kidnapped my son?" he exclaimed incredulously. "Do you know, do you know how terrified I've been? What this has done to Amanda?"

"I don't give a damn about her," she snarled, fingers flexing around the grip of the gun.

The hair at the back of Sonny's neck stood up. Swallowing hard, he watched the barrel of her firearm, still pointed in his direction.

"But I, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you," Dana whispered gently, demeanor suddenly soft aside from the gun she was brandishing. "I just... I... wanted to talk to you and... and you wouldn't spend any time with me-"

"Dana-"

"I just want you to give me another chance, Sonny," she interrupted frantically. "The way things ended for us, I think about it all the time. I shouldn't have left. We could have had such a good life. We still can. I can move back to New York, we can be together..."

"We have separate lives now, we can't-"

"We can!" she shouted, the gun trembling in her grip. "We can. I know that you've missed me, what we had. I know it. Of course you're with someone else now, I've been gone all these years and you thought I didn't care about you, but I do care! So now, now we've just gotta fix things. It's just... it's just you have to choose me, over _her._ "

"Daddy?" called a small, familiar voice.

Sonny took his eyes off of Dana's gun and saw Luca entering the living room from the hallway. He looked perfectly normal wearing jeans, Converse and his favorite green dinosaur t-shirt - exactly how Sonny had left him that morning. Relief flooded him - until he considered the situation they were both in. Dana's eyes were wide; she clearly hadn't anticipated the little boy's interruption.

"Hi, buddy. Hey," Sonny greeted his son, struggling to keep his voice light and upbeat as to not alarm him.

Luca toddled excitedly over to him, oblivious to the present danger. "Home now?" he asked his father, stopping at Sonny's feet. His big blue eyes - a perfect combination of both Sonny and Amanda's hue - peered up at him curiously.

Sonny moved to set a reassuring palm atop Luca's blonde head. "We-"

"Don't touch him! Don't!" Dana shrieked.

He froze, then slowly put his palm back up into its original position. "Okay, alright..."

Luca tugged at Sonny's jeans. "Daddy..."

"Okay, okay. Luca, just... uh... why don't you go back into the bedroom and I'll, uh, come get you in a minute?" he suggested.

"Where's mama?" the little boy wondered.

"Luca, listen to me: go into the bedroom. _Now_ ," he ordered sternly. _Just go, Luca. Just go back into the bedroom,_ he prayed silently. _Go right now._ He watched Luca's brow furrow, confused and alarmed by his father's harsh tone. It pained Sonny not to be able to scoop him up and comfort him, but he wasn't going to risk the little boy's safety by defying the person with the gun.

After a moment of consideration, Luca turned around and obediently walked away. Sonny met Dana's eyes again while simultaneously trying to keep track of the barrel of her firearm.

"Look, Dana..." he began slowly. "Just put the gun down and we can talk."

She laughed maniacally, as if that was the most preposterous thing she had ever heard. "No," she replied with a shake of her head. "We can talk just like this."

Sonny nodded, all the while entertaining the idea of utilizing a different approach. He didn't know if she would fall for it - she was smart, even in her crazed state - but he was willing to try anything to make sure he and Luca left that house alive. He pulled in a deep breath. "Okay," he conceded. "You're right, okay? You're right that I didn't think you cared." He studied Dana's face, hoping her expression would soften, but it wasn't enough - yet. Sonny knew exactly what the tipping point would be: "and... Amanda," he went on, "she's just... she was just a placeholder. I always hoped you'd come back."

Dana's brows twitched together. "You... you did?"

He couldn't decide if he felt more nauseous due to anticipation or out of disgust for the words coming out of his mouth. "Yeah. I was tryin' not to think about it, 'cause I didn't know what to do or what to say but... we're here now... alone." Boldly, he took a few small steps forward. "You've got my attention."

"Do you... do you love me?" Dana squeaked.

A soft smile played at Sonny's lips. "Of course I do. I've always loved you." Another small step forward. "And I wanna figure out a way to make this work."

She lowered her gun just slightly as a strange smile flickered across her face. "Yeah. Yeah, that's what I want."

"I'm sorry I drove you to all this. You know that's not me," Sonny told her gently. One more step, then he was in within arm's length of Dana. "Let's talk about what we do next, huh?" He offered her his most convincing, charming grin. "You and me."

"You and me," she repeated breathlessly, her green eyes bright with a delusional hopefulness that made Sonny's stomach turn again.

The gun was still quivering between them, now pointed toward Sonny's abdomen as Dana gradually lost more and more of her fight. Cautiously, Sonny lowered one of his raised hands and slowly reached it out to rest it atop of one of Dana's outstretched forearms. Very gently, he began to coax it downward. Without resistance, Dana allowed it.

* * *

Amanda felt like Sonny had been inside of the house forever. The infrared showed them stationary in the living room, and the brief moment when a smaller body appeared had Amanda's heart in her throat.

When a gunshot rang through the air, every member of law enforcement surrounding 3 Dock Street sprang into action.

Amanda didn't wait for any instruction or direction: right at ESU's heels, she sprinted toward the home, anticipating the worst but diving into it head-first anyway. Officers broke through the old wooden door and filtered into the house behind shields and battering rams, prepared to encounter anything. In the dark and dusty living room, Sonny had Dana pressed face-forward against a wall, his hands gripping both of her arms behind her back. Dana wasn't fighting him, but her face was contorted in tearful distress. At first, Amanda was immensely grateful to see her husband alive, but after a few seconds her eyes focused in on a bright red patch of blood seeping through the ripped arm of his shirt. A gun was discarded at Sonny's feet; Amanda had been in enough violent altercations to know that there had most likely been a struggle for the firearm that had resulted in his injury.

"Oh my God, Sonny," she exclaimed once she found her voice. "Are you alright?"

"It's okay, it's okay! I'm alright! It's just, we wrestled for it, it grazed me. It's okay," Sonny shouted over the chaos as another officer joined him to help with Dana. "Go get Luca. He's alright, he's in the back bedroom."

Tearing her gaze away from Sonny, Amanda ran toward the hallway just as the distant voice of an ESU officer hollered, "I got him! Master bedroom, second door on the left!" She burst through the bedroom doorway, skidding to a halt when she found a burly sergeant plucking Luca up from the faded, carpeted floor.

"Mama!" Luca greeted her, straining over the officer's shoulder to reach for her.

"Hi, baby. Hi," Amanda cooed shakily, weak with relief. Her son looked normal, oblivious - until his small features crumpled and he started to cry, as if seeing his mother after a day of uncertainty was too much to bear. She quickly pulled Luca from the officer's arms and he wrapped himself around her, his wet face in the crook of her neck, his body shuddering with his cries. "C'mere, let's get you outta here. You're alright," she soothed, hoping it was true.

"There's a back door. A sliding glass door - that's how she got in. Bring him out that way, I'll tell everybody at the perimeter to stand down," the sergeant told her.

"Thank you." Quick feet carried her through the unfamiliar house, keeping Luca pressed to her body as she escaped through the back door. All she could think about was getting him to the waiting ambulance as quickly as possible; she didn't know if he was hurt and maybe he couldn't tell her. The back doors of the white rescue vehicle were wide open and an EMT waved her over from inside.

"He's got, he has asthma," Amanda explained breathlessly once she reached the ambulance. "He's not coughing yet but sometimes it just sets in outta nowhere after-"

"We'll take good care of him, Sergeant," the EMT assured her gently. "We'll check him out." Crouching down, he tilted his head to try to look at Luca. "Hi, Luca. My name's Dan. Is it okay if we hang out for a little bit?"

"This is an ambulance, it always goes along with the firetrucks you like so much," she explained to the little boy, hoping that would convince him to be compliant.

Luca sniffled. "Firetruck?"

"Once I check you out, I'll let you turn on the red lights. How about that?" Dan offered.

"Okay," Luca nodded.

Amanda carefully handed him over to Dan inside of the ambulance, Luca's arms and legs hesitantly releasing their grip around her torso. Dan set the little boy on the edge of the stretcher, then turned around to grab a latex glove. He blew air into and tied it off in a makeshift balloon, which he gave to Luca in obvious hopes of occupying him. A little smile toyed at Amanda's mouth at the sweet gesture. As she looked on, she felt a hand on her shoulder and turned around to see Fin.

"It's been a bitch keepin' these television cameras outta here. Everybody alright?" he asked her. "Where's Carisi?"

"Sonny got... I don't know what went down, but a bullet clipped him in the arm," Amanda explained, a fresh wave of anxiety washing over her.

Fin's features went dark. "Not a-"

"No, no. It doesn't look like it hit a joint," she interrupted. She knew where Fin's mind was at: getting shot in an appendage was often a career-ending injury.

He nodded. "There's a hospital five minutes away..."

Her attention was suddenly elsewhere: behind Fin, on the front lawn, the man from ESU that had found Luca had one of Dana's arms and an unfamiliar NJPD officer had the other as they led her away from the house. Her field of vision narrowed, everything going black except for the woman who had put her family in so much danger. Rage prickled Amanda's nerve endings, her face going hot with the intensity of her anger. As if her legs were moving on their own accord, she launched herself in Dana's direction.

"You fucking _bitch!_ " Amanda spat, venom in every word.

The officers tried to keep leading Dana away, but Amanda crowded in close, fueled by fiery protectiveness.

"Rollins!" Fin shouted seconds before she felt his strong hands gripping each of her upper arms, holding her back from physically attacking Dana.

Amanda strained forward uselessly. "Did you really think you were gonna get away with this? Did you really think I wouldn't have every goddamn officer in the tristate area after your crazy ass? You're lucky I didn't shoot you when I had the chance," she snarled at Dana, even though her back was to Amanda now. "You can be sure I'm gonna make sure you never come near my family - or anybody else - ever again!"

"Okay, Amanda, alright," Fin murmured soothingly. "Let them take her."

Her chest heaved as she fought to catch her breath, eyes still narrow and icy as she watched Dana get shoved into the backseat of a waiting squad car. Once the door was closed, Fin's hold on Amanda loosened. "If I ever get my fuckin' hands on her..." she breathed, fantasizing about the type of pain she could inflict upon Dana.

Fin nodded, eyes on the squad car as he concluded, "she messed with the wrong woman."

* * *

The squad raced to Community Medical Center in three separate vehicles. Leaving Luca with Liv in the waiting room, Amanda darted through the unfamiliar emergency department to find her husband, who she hadn't spoken to since he had apprehended Dana. She flung back the curtain of the bay he was in to find him sitting on the edge of the exam table in his white undershirt, one of the short sleeves rolled up to better expose his injured arm.

His eyes grew wide at the sight of her. "Is Luca alright?" Sonny asked anxiously.

"He's okay. Liv's got him in the waiting room," she assured him. Crowding close to his side, she took in the gash on Sonny's opposite arm: it was deep, the flesh torn and mangled from the forceful trajectory of the bullet, but at least it wasn't still bleeding. "How's your arm?"

He grimaced and peered down at his injury. "Been better." His other hand reached for Amanda's and squeezed. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," she promised, curling her fingers around his. "I'm just... I'm so glad you and Lu are okay."

Sonny offered her a weary smile as he leaned in give her a gentle kiss on the lips. Her free hand cradled his cheek, comforted by the warmth radiating off of his skin, tangible evidence that though he was wounded, he was very much alive.

"Love you," he murmured.

Amanda's throat tightened and she swallowed over the growing lump there. "Love you."

The curtain to the bay moved to one side and a nurse appeared. "Dominick Carisi?"

The two detectives pulled apart, but their fingers remained entwined. "Yeah, that's me," Sonny replied.

"I'm Katie, a nurse practitioner here. Dr. Adams said you need stitches," the nurse explained, beginning to pull supplies from a cabinet in the room.

Sonny groaned. "Can't you just slap a bandaid on it and gimme a couple painkillers?"

"No. The laceration is too deep," Katie told him simply, dumping all of her various tools onto a stainless steal tray.

He frowned but didn't protest further. Katie arranged his arm where she wanted it before disinfecting the injury and giving him two injections of Novocain. While Sonny was obviously doing his best not to look, Amanda watched, oddly fascinated by the process. Historically, neither of them were particularly disturbed by blood, but she figured it was stomach-turning to watch yourself get sewn up.

"Ah, shit!" Sonny yelped suddenly once Katie began to suture him. "Isn't this supposed to be numb?"

Katie looked unimpressed by Sonny's dramatic reaction. "I gave you two shots of Novocain..."

"Do I have to pay extra for three?" he asked irritably.

Heaving a sigh, Katie reached for her syringe again and jabbed the area surrounding his wound with just a bit more force than was probably necessary. She poked and prodded Sonny until she was confident he was totally numb, then resumed her work.

"I want her charged with everything," Amanda blurted, prompted by another surge of anger toward Dana. "Kidnapping across state lines, forcible entry, attempted murder, all of it."

"She will be," Sonny assured her firmly. "Barba'll make sure of it."

The curtain opened once more and revealed Liv, who was holding Luca by the hand. The toddler's cheeks were pink and tears clung to his long eyelashes. "Hey, he was getting all upset, asking for you guys..." Liv explained. "I figured it was best he see you were still here."

"Oh, no, it's alright, we're right here," Amanda assured Luca hurriedly. She crouched down and scooped him up into her arms. "Mama's gotcha."

Balanced against her hip, Luca rested his head on Amanda's shoulder. He looked over at his father and pointed. "What's that?"

"Ah, that's nothin'," Sonny insisted with a dismissive wave of his hand. "Just a little boo-boo."

"All better?" he wondered.

A little smile tugged at Sonny's mouth. "She's makin' it all better, yeah."

Amanda turned to Liv and asked quietly, "is she being extradited back to the city?"

The lieutenant nodded, arms crossed over her chest. "Two unis are transporting her now."

"Thanks, Liv," she whispered, although the words hardly felt sufficient.

"I'm just glad this sweet boy is okay," Liv said, giving Luca's back a rub. Looking over at Sonny, she added with a teasing grin, "this sweet boy, too."

* * *

Finally back at home, Sonny's mother had managed to keep both Jesse and Ruby sleeping soundly in their respective rooms the entire time they had been gone. She was tearful and clutching rosary beads when Amanda carried Luca into the house, and she hovered until the moment the toddler was finally exhausted and tucked into his bed. Once she was gone, Amanda and Sonny peered in anxiously at Luca several times before they were satisfied that he was content - and, more importantly, exactly where he was supposed to be. Then they drifted apart: Sonny went to take a shower while Amanda picked half-heartedly at cold leftovers from the dinner Mrs. Carisi had made.

Back upstairs, Amanda saw that the door to the nursery was cracked open, a sliver of warm light illuminating the dark hallway. Peering curiously inside, she saw Sonny sitting in the overstuffed chair by Ruby's crib. The baby was tucked into the crook of his uninjured arm, cheek against his chest, sleeping peacefully despite being pulled from her bed. Sonny's eyes were closed and his body was relaxed, but Amanda was certain that he was awake. Quietly, she slipped inside of the room. Amanda perched herself on the arm of the chair, prompting Sonny to blink over at her.

She reached over to smooth a gentle palm over Ruby's fuzzy head. "I can't believe she didn't start screamin' when you picked her up," Amanda mused softly. "She's definitely a daddy's girl."

Sonny smiled. "Well, Luca's a mama's boy. He's your shadow. And Jesse's your mini me."

She shook her head sheepishly. "Yeah but, you're her hero."

He sighed, glancing down at the baby asleep against his chest. "'Manda..." he began quietly, "I feel like... I feel like all of this is my fault."

Her brow furrowed in both concern and confusion. "It's not."

"I shouldn't have interacted with her," Sonny went on weakly. "I shouldn't have made her think that I had feelings for her or... or whatever it was..."

Getting off of the the arm of the chair, she crouched down in front of it instead in an attempt to get a better look at Sonny. She rested a hand on his knee as she peered up at him. "You always wanna see the good in people. That's what I love about you," Amanda whispered. "You both saw some terrible stuff at that school and you thought you could talk to her about it, as a friend. As... as a fellow cop. You couldn't have known she would lose it. You've been dealin' with your own stuff."

He didn't appear convinced. "I guess, yeah," he mumbled.

Amanda gave his knee a squeeze before rising to her feet. He looked up at her and their blue eyes met. "We made it," she reminded him softly. "That's all that matters."


	45. Chapter 45

_are we out of the woods yet?_

* * *

"You've checked on them ten times tonight, 'Manda," Sonny called to her sleepily from the doorway of their bedroom.

Amanda turned around and sunk her teeth into her bottom lip, a little embarrassed that he had noticed what she had been doing. Every few minutes, in between picking up toys and changing out laundry, she was poking her head into one of the children's rooms. The sight of them sleeping soundly in their beds relieved her anxiety temporarily, until some time passed and dread began to gnaw at her stomach once more as she wondered, _c_ _ould it happen again?_ Dana was well-contained at Riker's Island and when Luca was returned to them last night, Amanda had been too exhausted to worry. Now, her mind was concocting wild scenarios - all of them involving one of her kids being snatched from the very place they were supposed to be safest. "I know..."

"They're alright. Everybody's where they're supposed to be," Sonny promised her. He yawned and ruffled his hair. "Come to bed."

Amanda nodded and begrudgingly followed Sonny back into their bedroom, where only one light remained illuminating their space. It was late now; she had been flitting around the house trying to expend her nervous energy for hours. Already dressed in comfortable shorts and a tank top, she crawled beneath the sheets on her side of the bed. When she rolled inward, she was met by Sonny's outstretched arm. She curled in close to him, her head tucked beneath his chin, an arm snaked around his bare torso. She felt his palm rubbing slow circles against her back.

"I love them so much, Sonny," she whispered into the hollow of his throat.

"They love you," he assured her quietly.

She swallowed down another wave of anxiety. "If even _we_ can't keep them safe..."

"I know," Sonny murmured solemnly. "But I'll be damned if I don't keep tryin'."

* * *

Amanda relinquished her gun at the Riker's Island Visit Control building. She slid it through the check-in window to the familiar-looking female correctional officer signing people in and rocked on the heels of her boots, apprehensive. She was definitely not supposed to be there - she had told Sonny she had to go into the precinct to finish incident reports. It was a beautiful spring day, so Sonny opted to take all three children to the playground with the understanding that Amanda would meet up with them when she was finished. He wouldn't last long trying to wrangle all three kids, so while she wanted to be there with him, there was something she had to take care of first.

"Working on a Sunday, Detective?" the officer asked lightly as she slid a sheet of paper toward Amanda.

She focused on signing her name on the visitor's sheet before her - sometimes she wrote her last name as Carisi, but given the nature of her visit that day, she opted for Rollins. "Yeah. Inmate 32982-453. Could you get me an interview room?"

"Sure. I'll have the officers in the south block bring her to... hm, let's see what's free... interview room four." The officer passed Amanda a visitor's badge. "You remember where that is, right? On the south side."

"I remember." Amanda clipped the badge to her shirt. "Thanks."

She walked the familiar hallways of the massive Riker's Island women's facility, greeted by several familiar correctional staff along the way. Outside of interview room four, an officer let her inside the stark space. He would hover outside of the privacy glass to make sure the inmate Amanda was meeting with didn't become physically agitated.

When the heavy door shut behind her, Dana Sinclair jumped in her seat at the metal table in the center of the room. She whirled around in her chair and blinked at Amanda, looking a combination of shocked and frightened. Amanda could feel her heart beginning to race; at the sight of Dana, she was angry all over again. Silently, she dropped into the seat across from her and took in the woman's appearance: unsurprisingly, she even looked fairly decent in an orange jumpsuit.

"Barba told me your lawyer asked for a plea deal," Amanda finally said curtly, arms crossed over her chest. "Three years of jail time and ten probation."

Dana nodded.

Amanda wanted her to talk. No, she _needed_ her to. "Explain. I need you to explain to me why you did this," she urged Dana, her tone something between desperate and aggressive. "Because I can't figure out why you'd hold a gun to a sweet girl's head and take an innocent little boy from his own house."

"I wasn't going to hurt them," Dana whispered eventually. "I was trying to get Sonny's attention. That's all I was after. That's all I've ever been after." Bowing her head, a tear rolled down her face and dropped onto the metal surface between them. "He's the... he's the only guy I ever loved. There's been nobody after him."

Amanda had to resist the urge to slam her fists against the table. "He doesn't want you," she managed through gritted teeth.

Without looking up, Dana only nodded wordlessly, dislodging more tears.

Her brow knitted together at the sight of the woman crying before her. She remembered the day Dana had shown up at the Carisi's doorstep, how beautiful and confident she had been. Amanda had envied Dana more and more with each day she lingered in her personal and professional life - and she was sure her female LAPD colleagues resented her a little, too. So how did she end up _here?_ "Look at yourself, Dana. You're beautiful. You're smart, got a good career... you threw it all away for a _man?_ " Amanda narrowed her eyes in confusion. "For somebody who didn't even pick you?"

Dana didn't say anything.

"I don't even know why I'm here talkin' to you," Amanda admitted with a sigh as she leaned back in her chair. "You tried to take two of the most precious things to me. I guess..." She studied Dana, who wouldn't look her in the eye, her long blonde hair creating a curtain around her pretty face as she sat in tearful silence. "I guess I just... feel bad for you."

Amanda allowed the dreary room to fill with silence for a moment before she rose to her feet. "I'm never gonna forget what you did," she told Dana quietly. "But I'm gonna forgive you. I'm gonna forgive you for a pretty selfish reason: because I'm not gonna let you and what you've done hold me hostage. I've got three great kids and a husband who deserve all of me."

She didn't wait for her reply. Turning around, Amanda banged on the glass once to signal to the correctional officer to unlock the door, slipped into the hallway and left Dana behind.

* * *

On a rainy Saturday night, Amanda sat cross-legged on the living room floor with Ruby in her lap. While the baby waved around a colorful butterfly rattle, Luca was concentrating very hard on building a Lego structure on the carpet.

"What are you makin'?" Amanda asked the toddler curiously. With her free hand, she scratched lovingly at Fluffy's head; he was nuzzling her in a not-so-subtle plea for attention now that she was down at his level.

Luca clicked a yellow block on top of a stack of others. "My house."

"Ohhh," she nodded enthusiastically. "Can daddy and me live in it, too?"

"Uh huh," he agreed.

"How about your sisters?" Amanda smirked.

Luca scowled at his building before agreeing, "okay..."

"Hey, Rollins," Sonny called from the adjoining kitchen. "Did you eat _all_ of my leftover Pad Thai from a couple days ago?"

She chewed her lower lip as she looked over at him innocently. "Um... maybe..."

"Why do you call her that?" Jesse asked Sonny from her seat at the island, where she was coloring.

"Call her what?" Sonny responded as he continued to rummage through the refrigerator.

"Rollins," Jesse clarified.

Empty-handed, he stood up straight again and leaned against the counter. "That's her name."

"No it's not. Her name is 'Manda."

"It's her last name."

"Nuh-uh, her last name is Carisi," Jesse insisted, and Amanda smiled from her spot on the floor.

Sonny sighed. "Her old last name. Sometimes, when girls and guys get married, the girl changes her last name to the guy's."

"Ugh," Jesse shook her head emphatically. "I'm not doing _that._ "

"You don't have to," Amanda promised her daughter.

"I wouldn't worry about it right now, Jess," Sonny chuckled. He reached over and ruffled the hair at the top of her head. "My little girl's not gettin' married anytime soon."

"I am not little!" Jesse chirped indignantly. "Ruby and Luca are little."

"Oh, excuse me." He waggled his eyebrows and teased, "then how come you're not gettin' a job and payin' some bills around here?"

The little girl let out a giggle and a snort of amusement. "No! The mom and dad do that!"

"Lucky us," Amanda muttered sarcastically.

Cautiously beginning to help Luca with his house - he could get very territorial over his Legos - Amanda was surprised to hear the sound of the doorbell. She and Sonny exchanged confused glances as Amanda pulled herself up off of the floor to answer it. Toting Ruby against her hip, she pulled open the front door to see Mia, Sonny's niece, standing on their front step. While the teenager had a jacket on, the flimsy hood had done nothing to protect her hair and face - her skin was streaked with rain and her long brown tresses were soaked. Amanda's eyes widened in surprise as she grabbed Mia's arm to tug her inside: "Mia! Come in, come in. It's pourin' out."

Mia scurried into the house. "Hi! Thanks."

"Hey, you," Sonny called to his niece from the kitchen, obviously surprised. "What are you doin' here?"

"Mia!" Jesse jumped down from her seat and ran over to the older girl to hug her legs.

"Hey, Jesse," Mia greeted the little girl as Amanda helped her shoulder off her dripping wet coat. "I, um, was just in the neighborhood. My shift ended early."

"You've got great timin'," Sonny replied. "I was just gonna order some pizza since Amanda ate everything out of the fridge."

Amanda shot him a warning look as she hung up Mia's jacket. "That sounds a whole lot like you callin' me fat."

"Okay, well, Amanda, I was wondering if I could talk to you?" Mia asked shyly.

She studied Mia's face, curiosity piqued at her request. The teenager looked uneasy despite the smile on her lips. "Yeah. Of course you can. We can... let's go upstairs," Amanda suggested, giving a wave of her free hand.

"What about me?" Sonny asked eagerly.

"Uh... no..." Mia responded sheepishly before she began to climb the steps toward the second floor. "Sorry, Uncle Sonny."

Amanda raised her eyebrows and shrugged at her husband, clueless, then followed Mia to the second floor. Alone in the master bedroom, Mia sunk down onto the edge of the bed while Amanda stood before her with Ruby, apprehensive.

"I think I'm in trouble," Mia finally said, eyes downcast.

She pulled in a deep breath, bracing herself. "What kinda trouble?"

"You can't tell Uncle Sonny," Mia pleaded, looking up at Amanda anxiously. "Or my mother, or nana or grandpa or... or anybody."

Amanda cringed, dreading the direction the conversation was going in. "Mia..."

"I think I might be pregnant," she whispered.

She was caught so off guard that she nearly dropped Ruby; if she hadn't been gurgling and cooing so loudly, Amanda would have forgotten she was holding her at all. Her mouth hung open in shock for a few seconds before she gasped stupidly, " _what?_ "

"I haven't gotten my period, not since..." Mia trailed off, but Amanda knew what she was implying: her body had been out of sync since her terrible ordeal with her former classmate at Hudson University, Ethan.

"Okay, well, that could be stress," Amanda said quickly. "Did you take a test?"

"No." She shook her head, dislodging tears from her big, blue-green eyes. "My mother is gonna kill me," she sobbed, dragging shaky fingers through her damp hair. "She's already so mad that I quit school, she's barely talking to me. This is gonna put her right over the edge."

"Let's not panic, alright?" Amanda soothed, reaching out her free hand to set it on Mia's shoulder. "I, uh, I've got a pregnancy test somewhere in here. You can take it and we can just... go from there."

"But what if it's positive?" Mia croaked.

"Then... well, we'll deal with it," she replied simply before moving into the adjoining bathroom. She was action-focused now; the emotional piece of this situation was too much for Amanda to process at the moment. She dug around the medicine cabinet until her fingers settled on the test she was searching for, left over from before Ruby had been conceived. The box was long gone, but Amanda had taken enough of them to remember the directions. Back in the bedroom, she stuck the stick out in front of Mia.

Tentatively, Mia took it from her, almost as if she was afraid of the piece of plastic. "How do I... use it?"

It was then that Amanda was reminded of Mia's age: she was eighteen years old, a legal adult, but very much a child in many ways. She still had stuffed animals and a dollhouse in her bedroom at home; before Ethan had assaulted her, getting a bad grade on a test was what kept Mia up at night. "You just... pee on it," Amanda explained gently. "Then you put the cap back on the end and we wait a few minutes. You can't mess it up."

Mia nodded silently before shuffling into the bathroom and closing the door. Pacing, Amanda jostled Ruby around as the baby cooed and used drool-covered fingers to grab at her mother's hair. When Mia emerged again, the two of them hovered over the bathroom counter in silence, their eyes focused on the little widow on the test that would reveal Mia's results. Slowly, blue began to appear, the fuzzy color forming two lines.

Two lines, Amanda remembered, meant Mia was pregnant. She felt her heart drop into her stomach, and she swallowed hard before telling her, "it's positive."

"What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to... take care of a kid?" Mia cried, her face flushed and her eyes wide with her panic. "I didn't think this could get worse. It was already so bad. And now, now I'm _pregnant?_ It's like... I'll never get rid of Ethan!"

"Alright, okay," Amanda soothed, using a gentle hand to guide Mia back into the bedroom. "You have options, we-"

Unannounced, Sonny opened the bedroom door. "What are you girls doin' up here? Mia, you stayin' for dinner? We'd love to-" He stopped suddenly as he surveyed the emotional scene he had just walked in on. His brow knitted together in confusion and concern. "Are you cryin'?" he asked his niece.

Amanda and Mia were silent. Ruby babbled, making nonsensical sounds obliviously she fidgeted in her mother's arms. The happy noises were a stark contrast to the mounting tension in the room.

"What's goin' on?" Sonny demanded anxiously. "What's wrong?"

"Mia..." Amanda prompted the teenager quietly.

Mia looked at her uncle desperately. "Don't be mad."

Sonny crossed his arms over his chest. "I don't like sentences that start that way."

"Sonny," Amanda warned, inching closer to him, silently willing him to soften.

"I think I'm pregnant," Mia blurted, then flinched in preparation for her uncle's reaction.

Amanda watched Sonny's face: his expression went from worried to utter bewilderment. "W-what?"

Mia bowed her head and Amanda set a comforting palm at the small of her back. She gnawed at her lower lip as Sonny began move erratically around the room, one hand on his hip and the other carding through his hair.

"Oh, no. No, no," he sputtered as he paced. "This, there has to be some kinda mistake."

"She just took a test," Amanda told him. "A doctor can confirm it..."

"You're eighteen!" Sonny exploded, stopping in front of the both of them. "You just dropped outta school, you have a _very_ part-time job in a coffee shop, you definitely aren't married-"

" _I didn't do it on purpose!_ " Mia shouted, her features contorted in anger and pain.

Amanda's stomach twisted in her abdomen, her own emotions beginning to run high although she was trying to remain the calm one in the situation. She felt Mia's distress and Sonny's horror simultaneously.

"No, of course you didn't," Sonny responded quietly after a few steadying breaths, his facial expression losing some of its hardness. "You didn't. That's not what I'm sayin'-"

"You're thinkin' it!" Mia spat. She rounded on Amanda as she cried, "this is why I didn't want him involved!"

Amanda shifted Ruby in her arms. "Okay, both of y'all calm down..."

Sonny ignored her and asked Mia, "did you tell your mother?"

"No," Mia replied softly, shaking her head.

"You've gotta tell her," Sonny insisted.

"I can't do it. She's going to go crazy. You know her, Uncle Sonny," she pleaded. "I... I just can't do it."

"I'll help you." Amanda looked pointedly at her husband. "We'll help you. After you go to the doctor and you're sure, we'll help you tell her. You don't have to do it today."

Lower lip trembling, Mia looked up at her uncle. She was so clearly desperate for his comfort specifically; Amanda knew she didn't want to disappoint him. "This is such a mess. I'm really sorry," she whispered.

Sonny visibly deflated and Amanda knew that beneath the shock and anger, his heart was breaking for her. He reached out for Mia and she timidly approached him until his arms were around her petite frame in a hug. "C'mere," he said quietly. "S'alright, it's okay. It's not your fault. None of this is your fault."

Amanda watched them embrace in silence. "I'm gonna go get Ruby ready for bed," she eventually murmured, suddenly overwhelmed. She quietly slipped past them to escape into the hallway.

* * *

After Mia was calm enough to head home, Amanda settled an impossibly energetic Ruby into her crib, she found Sonny slamming things around in the kitchen. Dinner hadn't arrived yet, although Amanda was no longer all that hungry.

"You okay?" she asked Sonny tentatively, already knowing the answer.

He set a stack of plates down on the island roughly, wordlessly.

Amanda rolled her eyes. "Please, spare me the patented Dominick Carisi Passive Aggressive Treatment," she quipped sarcastically, yanking open the refrigerator door to pull out two beers. She cracked open the tops of the bottles and slid one across the island toward him. "It's not me you're pissed at."

"No, I'm not pissed at you," he insisted, exasperated. "It's just..." He squeezed the bridge of his nose and exhaled. "Her life is ruined, Amanda."

Amanda swallowed a sip of beer. "Sonny..."

"First she falsely accuses him, then he actually assaults her, then she leaves school because she's totally ostracized, and now she's gonna be a teenage mother _by her rapist?_ Really, could it get any worse?" he went on irritably before taking a swig from his bottle.

She crossed her arms over her chest and raised both of her eyebrows. "Uh, yeah. He coulda killed her."

"Yeah, well, she's gotta live with this," he sighed. "And it's gonna be a really shitty life."

"I know you're upset, but this isn't your-"

"Listen, Amanda," Sonny interrupted her curtly. "Her father is useless. He left them when Mia was three and only communicates by writin' checks. She needs guidance-"

"-not smothering," she interjected pointedly.

"She isn't smothered," he asserted. "Smothering is what my parents did to me and my sisters."

"Teresa is really hard on her." It was bold of her to critique one of Sonny's sisters, but Amanda had gotten braver with the subject matter over the years.

Sonny's eyes narrowed. "Are you implyin' that this is... my sister's fault?"

"What? No," she exclaimed. "What happened to her isn't anybody's fault but Ethan's."

He sighed and appeared surly. "You didn't believe her, when she first said something. I know you didn't."

"You're right. I didn't," Amanda admitted. "But you and I both know these college cases get muddy - and this _was_ muddy. I've just, I know what it's like to be a girl her age. You don't get the friendship dynamics, the pressure... I just had a feeling there was more to the story, is all." She fiddled with one of Jesse's crayons that she had abandoned on the island. "You were all worked up about it and I was tryin' to... tread lightly."

"That's unlike you," he mumbled before taking another drink of his beer.

She frowned, insulted. "Hey..."

He cringed at his own words. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I just... I can't believe this is happenin'."

"You and I both know those tests are wrong sometimes. If she really is pregnant," Amanda said carefully, "she has options."

Sonny's eyes widened in horror. "What are you suggesting?"

She was already anticipating his negative reaction as she answered, "well, she can terminate the-"

"Don't even go there, Amanda," he interrupted brashly. "Don't."

Luca wandered into the kitchen and began to hang onto Sonny's leg. "Daddy, up," he whined, reaching a hand upward. The toddler was in a stage where he wanted to be held all of the time, and after the ordeal he had endured with Dana, neither of them could refuse him.

Distracted by their conversation, Sonny hoisted Luca up as he told Amanda, "it's wrong. It's morally wrong."

"So is _raping someone!_ " she hissed.

He pressed his lips together.

"I could barely figure out how to take care of Jesse when she was born, and I was thirty-one years old," Amanda told him quietly, not wanting the little girl watching television in the adjoining living room to hear her. "How the hell is Mia gonna raise a kid at eighteen? Think about it, Sonny. What were you like when you were eighteen?"

"I was responsible..."

"But you didn't have to be a _parent._ "

Jesse got up from her place on the living room couch and hovered curiously at Amanda's feet. "Why are you yelling?" she asked them. "When's the pizza gonna be here?"

"We aren't yellin'," Sonny told her. "We're talkin'."

"In angry voices," Jesse observed cleverly.

"Let's... let this go for now, alright?" Amanda suggested to Sonny, her gaze flickering between the two young children. "We can talk about it later."

* * *

In track shorts and a faded navy NYPD t-shirt, Amanda perched on the edge of the empty bathtub. With one knee bent up toward her chest, she carefully began to paint one set of toes a shade of bright pink polish called _No Doubt About It._ Even though her feet were almost always in shoes, she liked making the nails there pretty colors as a little hidden touch of femininity. She exhaled deeply, the sweep of her bangs fluttering away from her eyes as she concentrated on her work, every now and then glancing over at the baby monitor on the near-by marble counter top. As she worked, Amanda could hear Sonny's heavy footsteps moving around the second floor as he settled Luca, then Jesse into their respective beds for the night.

After a little while, there was a quiet knock on the bathroom door before it creaked open to reveal Sonny. "Hey. Can I come in?"

She nodded. "Sure."

By the foot of the tub, Sonny dropped his lanky frame onto the floor, stretching his legs out parallel to the bath and leaning his back against the wall. His blue eyes looked tired and his brow was knitted together like he was thinking hard about something.

"Careful with that face, you're gonna get wrinkles," Amanda joked, echoing words her mother had spoken to her many times.

A smile flitted across Sonny's features. "Nah. I'm just gettin' more gray."

"That's inevitable." She swiped at a bit of stray paint from the edge of her big toe before dipping her brush back into the bottle. "Everybody asleep?"

"Yeah, everybody's all good." He looked sheepish as he picked at the knee of his jeans. "Sorry 'bout earlier, how I freaked out. I didn't mean to take it out on you."

Amanda sighed, gingerly switching feet and beginning to apply polish to the bare nails on her right foot. "I know it's not a good situation. It's gone from bad to worse. But..."

"But?"

"You love her. So just... keep loving her. She doesn't need the judgement." She glanced up from her work on her pinky toe and gave Sonny a knowing look. "The world's givin' her enough of that already."

"I do love her. I'll always love her," he insisted. "She just had so much potential-"

"She still has it, Sonny. As long as she's alive, she's got it." Pulling back slightly, she surveyed her foot. "And, she's got options. It's her body, her future."

"Abortion is wrong, Amanda." Sonny's voice was low and serious.

Amanda glanced over at him, but his eyes were focused elsewhere. They would always disagree on this topic - she had accepted that fact years ago. "Nobody's askin' _you_ to get one," she reminded Sonny. "What's wrong is a kid havin' a kid she can't take care of. Even worse - one that reminds her of her scumbag rapist."

His eyes went wide as he met her gaze. "I get that, I really do-"

"You don't, though," she interrupted irritably, suddenly a little hurt by Sonny's cluelessness. Her brow furrowed in frustration and she jammed the brush back into the bottle of pink polish. "I know you think you do, but you don't. Nobody's ever used your body against your will, then told you what to do with it after." She shook her head as she scoffed, "God, it's like you haven't worked in sex crimes for five years."

Sonny appeared abashed, as if it had only just occurred to him that he was talking to a woman who had experienced both assault and unplanned pregnancy, albeit at separate times. He opened his mouth as if to say something, then closed it again. He slumped his shoulders against the tiled wall, defeated. "I know. I know you're right," he admitted quietly. He rubbed at his forehead. "I'm not thinkin' about this the right way."

She screwed the bottle of nail polish shut tightly and set it aside. Leaning her back against the wall opposite of Sonny's, she stretched her bare legs along the edge of the tub. She wriggled her toes, coaxing the bright pink to dry, then studied her husband: he looked sad. "You still think this is your fault, don't you?"

He looked over at her with a sheepish pout.

"Mia wasn't assaulted because you pursued this - because we did. She was raped because Ethan is a rapist," Amanda told him for what felt like the hundredth time.

"But if we hadn't-"

"That's not the kinda cop you are. Or the kinda uncle," she interrupted firmly. "You investigated her disclosure because it was the right thing to do legally and for your family."

Sonny pulled in a deep breath, held it for a second, then exhaled. He settled a hand on her bare shin and met Amanda's eyes. "Thanks."

She tilted her head. "For what?"

"For bein' the voice of reason," he explained, his thumb grazing back and forth slowly over her calf muscle.

Despite the heaviness of the subject, Amanda couldn't help but waggle her eyebrows as she smirked, "who ever woulda thought, huh?"


	46. Chapter 46

**AN:** Thank you for your patience! The month of April will be busy for me (with good things), but I'll try to update as frequently as I can. The beginning of this chapter is mildly NSFW.

* * *

 _do you know every battle that you've had to face / is making you bulletproof?_

* * *

Amanda rummaged through the freezer for a brand new container of mint chocolate chip ice cream. With Jesse and Luca at Sonny's parent's house, it was safe to eat dessert without two sets of grabby hands wanting some, too. Setting the fresh quart onto the island, she popped off the top before retrieving a big spoon and a bowl from the cabinet. Frannie hovered at her bare feet, excited that somebody was eating and she could potentially reap the benefits of the meal. Amanda scooped a giant glob of the ice cream into her bowl, eagerly licking any melting excess off of her thumb in the process. She wore only boy shorts and one of Sonny's old plaid flannel shirts that hung on her more like a dress, still warm from being plucked straight out of the dryer. She was planning on settling down on the couch and watching television until she fell asleep - her idea of a luxurious Saturday night.

As she slung another hunk of mint chocolate chip into her dish, she felt Sonny come up behind her. His lips grazed her hair and she quirked an eyebrow as she teased, "what do you think you're doin'?"

"Givin' you a hug," he replied innocently, one hand squeezing a cheek of her ass and the other snaking around her waist and sliding deliberately up her torso.

"There's a lotta hands involved in this hug," she observed with a smirk.

"Well, in case you didn't notice," he began, "the only kid who's home is the one who's asleep and can't walk..."

" _Ohhh,_ I see." Amanda arched her back slightly, tilting her head back until it encountered his shoulder. "I wanna eat my ice cream..." she pouted coquettishly.

Leaning in, he swiped a finger around the rim of her bowl, picking up melted ice cream with it. He held it out in front of Amanda as he challenged her mischievously, "who said you couldn't do that, too?"

Standing up straighter again, Amanda turned around to face Sonny so he could properly watch her take his sticky-sweet finger into her mouth. She made a show out of nipping playfully at it once she pulled away, then soothed the sting with her tongue again. He let out a low groan of desire that she felt in the warm pit of her own stomach and she grinned with excited satisfaction. Pressing closer to her, Amanda felt her lower back bump the counter as Sonny pinned her in place to kiss her. The intensity with which his mouth met hers was like he was ravenous for her, and it stirred up enough longing inside of Amanda to temporarily distract her from her dessert.

Grabbing his face between her two hands, Amanda shivered at the way the stubble along Sonny's jaw prickled against her palms. "I love it when you're all scruffy. It's so sexy," she panted into their kiss.

"Oh, yeah?" he growled with a low chuckle. "Well, I love it when you wear my shirts..."

"I was hoping you'd notice," she murmured. Standing on the tips of her toes, she hopped up so she was perched on the edge of the island. She wrapped her bare legs around Sonny's waist, trapping him - as if he was going to go anywhere.

A rough palm slid up the side of her thigh and she felt his fingers curling around the waistband of her underwear. "I'm gonna f-"

Suddenly, Amanda's phone began to vibrate loudly on the island and she jerked her mouth away from Sonny's to watch the device bounce around the counter top.

"Ignore it," Sonny ordered huskily.

She squirmed beneath his touch, conflicted. "What if it's work?"

He began to create a trail of kisses down her neck. "You're extremely busy."

Unable to resist, Amanda stretched out one arm and snatched up her phone. She pressed it to her ear. "Hello?" she answered breathlessly.

"Amanda?" a female voice came over the speaker.

Amanda eyes fluttered closed as she felt Sonny's thumb circle her nipple, his hand now shamelessly shoved all the way up and underneath the button-down she was wearing. "This... is Amanda," she managed.

"It's Mia..."

She immediately snatched at Sonny's wrist, stopping him mid-grope, wanting to give the teenager her full attention. "Mia? Hi... what's going on?"

Sonny froze when she spoke his niece's name, eyes wide in anticipation.

"The test was right: I'm pregnant," Mia told her. "The doctor said I'm really pregnant."

"Oh, Mia..." Amanda sighed, her stomach clenching with dread.

"What? What's happenin'?" Sonny hissed anxiously.

"Five weeks," Mia whispered.

"What do you wanna do?" she asked the teenager gently.

"I don't know. I really don't know," Mia croaked. "I... could you and Uncle Sonny come over next week? I can't tell my mother alone."

"Sure," she nodded. "Just tell us when and we'll be there."

"Alright."

"Hang in there, Mia. It's all gonna work out."

"Uh huh..."

"I'll talk to you soon, okay?" Amanda promised before they hung up. After the call had ended, she set her phone back down with a sigh.

"She's really pregnant, isn't she?" Sonny grumbled.

Her blue eyes met his. "Yeah, she is."

"I wanna kill Ethan," he breathed, shaking his head in disgust. "That son of a bitch, he's got no clue what he's done..."

Amanda frowned. She could see the lines etched in Sonny's forehead and around his eyes as he seethed in anger. "Ice cream?" she offered sweetly, nudging the bowl she had been momentarily distracted from toward him.

He scowled, then sighed and picked up the spoon like he didn't have it in him to protest. He dug it into the ice cream and took a bite. "You told her we'd help her tell Teresa?" he asked thickly.

"Yeah." She opened her mouth eagerly like a little kid. "Gimme a bite."

A flicker of a smile crossed Sonny's features at her request. Obediently, he fed her a spoonful of ice cream before getting himself another bite. "Probably best if there's a buffer," he mused through the mint chocolate chip. "I told you what Teresa was like when Mia told her she was takin' a break from school..."

Amanda nodded. "You said her head spun around."

"Pretty much," he replied grimly.

She quirked an eyebrow in amusement as she observed, "you're eating all my ice cream."

"Oh, yeah," he grunted. He thrust the bowl and spoon toward her before he got a spoon of his own and jabbed it into the container Amanda had abandoned on the island.

She took the bowl but set it down at her side. "And... weren't we right in the middle of something?" she reminded Sonny. She tugged at his t-shirt insistently as she insisted, "gimme a kiss."

Sonny waggled his eyebrows and put down the ice cream. "Just a kiss?" he smirked, a cold palm sliding up either side of her thighs.

A flirtatious grin tugged at Amanda's lips. "Some other stuff, too."

* * *

"Coffee?" Liv offered as they hovered outside of the courthouse on a sunny Tuesday morning.

"Yeah. Large, black," Amanda answered her appreciatively. "Thanks."

"You okay, Amanda?" the lieutenant asked after she had ordered from the familiar cart. "You seem a little... distracted."

"Yeah..." she replied automatically, then sighed. She was too tired to pretend. "Well, no. Sonny's niece, Mia... she's pregnant."

Liv's eyes widened in surprise as she passed Amanda her drink. "Oh, no.."

"Yeah." She popped open the top of the cup to eagerly take a sip of the coffee. "Sonny's head practically exploded when she told him. Her mother doesn't know yet. Nobody knows but us."

"What's she going to do?" Liv asked.

"I have no idea," Amanda admitted. She gave Liv a pointed look. "You can guess how the Carisi family feels about abortion..."

"Mm..." Liv quirked an eyebrow. "And how do they feel about unwed mothers?"

She gave a little snort of laughter. "She's screwed either way. She could have the baby adopted, but I don't know if she's ready to think about doing that." After a beat of contemplative silence, Amanda continued, "I always thought my family was screwed up. I mean, don't get me wrong, they are, but... it's weird. Carisi's family, I always put them on a pedestal, you know? Two parents, nice house, nobody with a raging alcohol problem or gambling addiction... but over the years I've realized they've definitely got their issues, too. They're just a different kind."

Liv nodded and gave Amanda a knowing sideways glance. "Honeymoon's over."

* * *

 _The playground was busy on a spring day. The sound of children giggling and shrieking with joy floated easily through the warm air. Jesse and Luca moved side-by-side on the swings like two little pendulums; when one kicked high, the other swayed smoothly backward. Ruby dug in the sand near by, young enough to still be fascinated by the way the tiny granules slipped through her fingers. Their brother, a chubby-cheeked toddler..._

 _...was missing._

 _Amanda's heart started pounding in her ears and her throat began to close. Flooded with fear, she turned around in circles over and over again, hoping to see her forth child. It was so bright out - the light from the sun was blinding - and she couldn't make out faces in the crowd. Her feet like they were trapped in cement, preventing her from taking action. She wanted to scream but she was rendered breathless. He was just a little kid, he couldn't be separated from her, he needed his mother. Did Sonny know what was going on? Why couldn't he help her? Why-_

"-'Manda! _Amanda!_ "

She gulped at air as if she had been drowning and had finally broke the water's surface. She could feel sweat sticky on her forehead and chest as she scrabbled at the tangled sheets enveloping her in order to jerk herself upright. Blue eyes wide, she blinked around the dark room frantically: there was their bureau, the armchair piled with clothes for dry cleaning, the book shelf crowded with novels and law school texts and picture frames. To her right was Sonny, turning on his light, bare limbs rearranging themselves to sit up next to her. It was all familiar, but Amanda was trembling with anxiety, an emptiness deep inside of her still aching and uncomfortable.

"It's alright," Sonny told her. "It was just a dream. You're okay."

Amanda couldn't seem to open her mouth just yet. She lifted one set of shaking fingers and pushed her damp bangs away from her forehead.

"Amanda, hey. You're alright," Sonny soothed in the same way he did when one of the kids had a nightmare, clearly noticing how distressed she was. A hand slid beneath the back of her shirt, his warm palm making slow circles against bare skin as he watched her carefully. "I'm right here."

She swallowed hard and nodded, grounded by his touch.

"What was it about?" he asked after a minute of quiet.

Gingerly, she bent her knees up to her chest. "I was at the park. With the kids. The one we used to go to in Long Island City. The baby went missing."

His brow furrowed. "Ruby? Or Luca?"

Covering her face with her palms, Amanda bowed her head. She felt overwhelmed with a combination of emotions: lingering terror from her dream, disappointment that the child she thought was real was not, and embarrassment that a year later she would have to admit to Sonny that their unborn son still occupied her unconscious. Her eyes began to burn with tears she was far too proud to shed. "No."

Sonny's hand paused. "'Manda..."

"It was _so_ real, Sonny," she whispered, lifting her head to peer over at him even though she felt pathetic. He was looking at her as if he felt badly for her. "I didn't see him. I just knew he was there, that he belonged with me. I knew he was mine. Ours."

Sonny exhaled. He dropped his gaze and studied the wall at the opposite end of the room as he reminded her quietly, "we have three great kids and all of them are safe."

"I know that," Amanda insisted nervously. "Don't you ever think about him, though?"

"I try not to," he admitted, tone grim. "I hated seein' what that did to you."

She picked at the fabric of their comforter and admitted sheepishly, "I've dreamt about him before."

He turned his head and narrowed his eyes on her. "Why haven't you told me?"

Amanda shrugged. "I didn't want you to think... to think that I loved any of the kids less or... that I wasn't happy, or..." she trailed off uselessly.

Sonny angled his body to face her better and set a palm atop her bare knee. "I'd never think that, Amanda." He sighed and shook his head. "It's just, I don't know what to say," he admitted softly, "I didn't know then and I don't know now. It's not that I never think about it."

"It's... different for you. He wasn't part of your body," she whispered, the words a little painful for her to speak.

He squeezed her knee wordlessly.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, a distinct heaviness lingering between them. Amanda felt a twinge of guilt, both for rousing Sonny and for making him shoulder the weight of her lingering grief. "I'm sorry I woke you up," she sighed eventually. Turning her head, she leaned in to give him a soft kiss. "Go back to sleep."

"Hey," Sonny said as she began to pull away, a palm cupping the side of her face. He looked her in the eye as he told her, "you're an amazing mother to all of our kids, even the one who isn't here with us."

She felt her breath catch in her chest at Sonny's words, appreciative of the sentiment and touched by his attempt to comfort her. "Thanks," she managed.

He leaned in kissed her again gently."Y'want anything? Some water? A shot of whiskey?"

Amanda shook her head and offered him a weak smile. "Nah. I'm alright."

Sonny nodded. "Think you can go back to sleep?"

"Yeah," she lied.

* * *

"Jesus, Amanda. Slow down," Sonny pleaded from the passenger's seat, a hand bracing him against the glove compartment.

"I'm not going fast," Amanda scoffed as she sped down Verrazano bridge into Staten Island. "You only think so because you drive so slow in comparison."

"Well, I'm not tryin' to get to my sister's in a hurry," he grumbled petulantly.

She sighed. "I'd rather just get it over - _what the fuck do you think you're doin'? Use your goddamn blinker!_ " she yelled suddenly as she was carelessly cut off by a shiny red Jeep. "Man, who teaches y'all to drive in Staten Island? A blind old lady?"

"Okay, that's your _one_ Staten Island crack of the day," Sonny ordered. "No more."

Amanda pouted but left the topic of his hometown alone. She wasn't looking forward to an afternoon at his sister's, mostly because she was anticipating a disaster. Mia had asked them to be her buffer when she told her mother that she was pregnant, and while neither of them had the heart to refuse, they definitely weren't excited about it. They were familiar with Teresa's quick temper and high expectations; she could be generous and sweet, but she was also demanding and explosive when upset. Her nerves had understandably been frayed from the ordeal surrounding her daughter's assault, but she had only become more frazzled in the aftermath. Mia leaving school had devastated her - a pregnancy would only serve as salt in the wound.

"Hi, you two!" Teresa greeted them cheerfully when Amanda and Sonny stood side-by-side on her front steps. She flung her arms around each of them in a hug before pulling them inside. "Come in. You want a beer? Some wine?"

"Nah," Sonny replied. "Thanks, T."

Amanda shook her head to refuse. "Me neither, I'm good."

"Well, alright. You're not pregnant again, are you?" Teresa chuckled as they all moved into the living room.

She suppressed the urge to cringe. "Ha, no."

"Mia, your uncle and Amanda are here. Come downstairs!" Teresa called. She dropped down into an arm chair and looked between her brother and sister-in-law expectantly. "So... what's the occasion?"

Sonny cleared his throat, his knee knocking against Amanda's as he fidgeted in his spot next to her on the sofa. Moments later, Mia came down the stairs and cautiously took a seat next to her uncle. For a terse minute, nobody said anything.

"What's goin' on with you all?" Teresa laughed.

"I'm pregnant," Mia blurted.

Teresa's mouth hung open and all of the color drained from her face. "What?" she breathed. Shakily, she rose to her feet, eyes wild with her shock and horror. "You have got to be kiddin' me." She rounded on Amanda and Sonny and demanded, "did you two know about this? Dominick?"

"Yeah, we knew," Sonny admitted sheepishly.

"And you kept this from me? All of you?" Teresa cried. "Mia, how could you? I can't believe this!"

Amanda pulled in a steady breath before she said, "this isn't her fault, Teresa-"

"Don't try and be her friend!" Teresa snapped. "This is serious!"

"She's right," Sonny interjected. "This isn't her fault."

"I can't believe this is happenin'! You're a _kid!_ " Teresa began to pace, dragging a hand through her blonde hair. "I didn't think this... situation... could get any worse..."

"Alright, alright. Calm down, Teresa-" Sonny begged.

"Don't you dare tell me to calm down," his sister snarled.

"She has options," Amanda told her sister-in-law gently. "She can have the baby adopted, she can t-"

"I don't wanna hear it. I don't wanna hear any of this." She paused to face Mia again, her eyes filled with angry tears. "I have worked my whole life in order to give you a better one, and now... now this? It was all for nothing!"

"That isn't fair," Amanda protested, suddenly protective of the teenager. "She didn't plan for any of this to happen. Mia's a smart and ambitious girl. She can have a bright future, it just might look a little different-"

"Oh, suddenly you're a parenting expert 'cause your life is so perfect?" Teresa spat, eyes narrow as she stared down at Amanda. "I think we all know that if it wasn't for my brother, you and your daughter's life would have looked a hell of a lot worse."

Amanda suddenly felt like she had swallowed glass. The obvious venom in her sister-in-law's comment stung; she was so shocked by it that she was rendered temporarily speechless. Pink blotches began to blossom against the skin of her chest and cheeks as she imagined what else Teresa thought about her - or worse, all of the other things she could have remarked to the rest of the Carisis.

"Teresa, enough," Sonny exclaimed angrily, rising to his feet and pointing an emphatic finger at his sister as he spoke, "that is enough. You've got absolutely no right to talk to Amanda that way."

"Well, she's got no right thinkin' she can parent my kid!" Teresa retorted loudly.

Amanda found her voice, but fought to keep it even given her level of surprise and embarrassment. "I'm not trying-"

"I'm talkin' to my brother," Teresa interrupted sternly.

"Mom, please..." Mia begged from her place on the couch, very obviously mortified.

"Mia, I can't... I can't even look at you right now," Teresa sobbed, now crying freely. "Everything you've worked for... down the drain..." She shook her head, covered her face with her hands, then declared, "I need some air." She stalked away from them toward the back of the house and disappeared.

"Mia, why don't you go grab some things from your room," Sonny instructed his niece calmly. "You can stay with us for the weekend, give everybody a chance to cool off."

Wordlessly, Mia nodded before scurrying upstairs to her bedroom. Amanda remained sitting on the couch, chewing the inside of her cheek, while Sonny dug the heels of his palms roughly into his eyes in frustration. Neither of them spoke, most likely because enough had been said already.

* * *

Luca had attached himself to Sonny's leg in the doorway of his bedroom, out of bed and curious about the activity in the house. "Alright, c'mon, ya little monster," Sonny chuckled to him quietly, ruffling the little boy's hair. "Go back to sleep."

Now changed into old college sweatpants and a tank top, Amanda slipped past them in the hallway in search of a distraction from the events of the evening. "I'm gonna make sure Mia's all settled."

On the first floor, she found Mia huddled on the living room couch. "Want me to make you some tea?" Amanda offered her as she moved into the kitchen. "It's peppermint. It'll settle your stomach."

Mia nodded. "Okay."

She set the kettle on the stove before retrieving the box of tea from a cabinet. "Sorry you've gotta camp out on the couch. I'll pull out the trundle bed in Jesse's room tomorrow night."

"This is fine." Mia burrowed deeper beneath the big blanket Amanda had gotten her earlier. "It's a nice couch."

Amanda found a clean mug and dropped a tea bag inside. When the kettle began to whistle, she quickly removed it from the heat to dump the boiling water into the cup. She carried the warm drink over to Mia and carefully passed it to her.

"Everybody hates me," Mia whispered, clasping the warm mug in between her palms. "My whole family hates me."

"That isn't true. _I_ don't hate you. Neither does your uncle," Amanda insisted, sitting down next to the teenager. "And your mother is just... afraid. She's sad this all happened to you. She loves you."

Mia shook her head. "No, she only loves me when I live up to her expectations. And this... this is the biggest disappointment. I know that she thinks this is my fault. If only I hadn't lied about Ethan in the first place..."

"Don't go there, Mia," Amanda urged her. "You aren't to blame."

She looked over at her as she admitted softly, "I'm really scared."

Amanda frowned. "Mia... I know I'm older than you, but I remember how scary it felt, havin' a kid on my own. It's a big decision. Taking care of a baby... it's not easy."

"I don't know what to do," Mia lamented. "I've always been told abortion is a sin. But if I have the baby, I'm so afraid... I'm so afraid it'll... be like him. That it'll be bad."

"Nah, that's what's best about babies: they're born innocent little things," Amanda assured her with a small, nostalgic smile. "They're born perfect."

Nodding, Mia bowed her head and seemed to be focusing intently on the tea in her cup.

"There are plenty of people in the world who can't have kids, who'd love one," Amanda continued. "That's an option, too."

"I'd have to... be pregnant the whole time and give it up right away? Right when it's born?" Mia asked meekly.

Amanda studied Mia's face and saw a combination of innocent confusion and apprehension. _She must be so overwhelmed,_ Amanda figured. Pulling in a deep breath, she shook her head lightly as if to dismiss the topic of conversation. "You should get some rest. This stuff, it can wait a little bit," she concluded, giving Mia's blanket-clad leg a reassuring pat. "Frannie usually sleeps with us, so she won't be a pain. Maybe in the morning we can all get breakfast or something." She stood up as she offered, "if you need us, just come upstairs. I'm a light sleeper."

Mia gave her a weak smile. "Thanks, Amanda."

"No problem." She plucked Fluffy up from off of the floor and cradled the cat in her arms so she could carry him upstairs in hopes of keeping him from bothering Mia. She set him outside of Jesse's room and he quickly slipped through her cracked door; Amanda often found him napping close to the little girl.

When she entered her own bedroom, Sonny was sitting on the edge of their unmade bed. He rose to his feet when she shut the door behind herself; his features were wrought with worry. "'Manda, what Teresa said to you earlier-"

Shaking her head, she waved her hand as she walked further into the room. "Let's not talk about it."

He hurried after her. "It's not true. She's just upset about Mia-"

"It's alright, Sonny," she interrupted, reaching for her comb on the bureau, feeling more uncomfortable with every second that passed. Typically thick-skinned, Amanda was surprised by how embarrassed she was by Teresa's remark. Maybe it was because she had spent years yearning for the Carisi's approval; she thought so highly of all of them. It was unsettling to know that one of Sonny's sisters had likely been judging her from the start.

"I could tell it hurt your feelings," he went on gently.

" _'_ _Hurt my feelings?'_ What am I, five?" Amanda scoffed, dragging her brush through her long hair. Her blue eyes were icy and narrow with disdain - even though Sonny's observation was totally accurate.

"It bothered me."

Amanda turned to face the mirror, watching as blonde strands slipped through the teeth of her comb, Sonny hovering anxiously directly behind her. "At least she actually said what she's been thinking this whole time you and me have been together," she remarked crassly.

"That isn't true," Sonny insisted, visibly exasperated. "She says a lot of stupid stuff when she's pissed off. Look at all the shit she's called me since... well, forever."

She set her brush down and turned around again. Arms crossed over her chest, she met her husband's gaze, her features stony. "Yeah, well, this wasn't name-calling. It's clear she's got a pretty low opinion of me and _my_ daughter."

" _Our_ daughter," he asserted, appearing offended by her choice of words. "Whatever she says about you, she says about me, and I'm not gonna stand for it."

"What are you gonna do? Tell your mother?" she asked him with a snort of sarcastic laughter.

Sonny's jaw clenched and his lips pressed together in a hard line.

"Has she ever talked about me like that before, to you?" Amanda demanded. Even though rehashing the incident was making her cringe, she couldn't help but be morbidly curious. "Has anybody in your family? And don't lie to me."

"What? Of course not!" he sputtered, eyes big with outrage from the mere suggestion. "My parents love you like you're their kid. You know that."

"Your sisters?" she pressed.

His brow knitted together as he shook his head. "Absolutely not. They'd never have the nerve to talk about you to me."

She wasn't convinced. "That doesn't mean they don't _think_ I'm trailer trash."

"Amanda-"

"Whatever, Sonny," she interjected hastily, walking away to yank at the covers on her side of the bed. Somehow, talking to him about his family's opinion of her was making her feel worse - like even more of a misfit outsider. "Worse things have been said about me. But this is really about Mia. I'm sorry if I'm causin' some... some big Carisi feud, but she's a good kid and she deserves support."

"I don't disagree," he replied diplomatically.

Amanda tugged at the three delicate rings that were stacked on her finger: her engagement and wedding bands, then the ring Sonny had given her after Ruby was born. She set them down on her nightstand. "So let's just... let it go."

"C'mon, don't be like that," Sonny pleaded. "We've gotta talk about this. Don't shut me out."

Her heart squeezed in her chest at the touch of desperation in his voice. Crossing her arms over her chest, she turned around and looked at him - he appeared as hurt as she felt. She couldn't quite meet his eyes; it was hard for her to admit that his sister's comment had made her sad. Amanda was ashamed, like she should have been able to brush it off and dismiss it - not let it eat away at her insides all night. "What do you want me to say, Sonny? Huh?" she asked him in quiet exasperation. "You want me to admit she _hurt my feelings?_ Is that it? Fine. She did. She doesn't think I'm good enough for you. And she brought Jesse into it, like I was some terrible mother before you and me got together. Say what you want about me, but her..."

"Amanda, she's just jealous," he insisted weakly. "She's jealous because her marriage failed and all her attempts at relationships after that have failed, too. But you and me? We've got a good life. She wishes she had that."

"Well, maybe all her relationships failed because she's a crazy bitch," Amanda mumbled, glaring at the wall behind Sonny.

"I mean, that's my workin' theory, yeah," he admitted. He reached out to her, each of his hands squeezing at her upper arms. "But, God, 'Manda. Don't take what she said to heart. It's not true. I know you know that."

She rubbed at her forehead and exhaled. "I just wasn't expectin' to hear it-"

Their bedroom door cracked open, revealing Luca in his pajamas. "Mama? Daddy?"

Turning around, Sonny reminded him with a sigh, "Lu, you know you're supposed to be in bed."

"I wanna nuggle," the toddler declared, charging into their bedroom.

"Huh?"

"Nuggle."

" _Snuggle,_ you mean?" Amanda guessed, smiling a little despite herself.

Luca nodded. "Yes." He toddled over to her and wrapped his arms around one of her legs. Peering up at her curiously, he asked, "where Jesse?"

"In bed, like you should be," she told him, setting a hand atop his blonde head.

"Where Ruby?" Luca went on.

"She's in bed, too," Sonny said.

"Let's _all_ go to bed, huh? How 'bout that?" Amanda suggested lightly, shamelessly using her anxious son as a way to avoid further discussion with Sonny.

"Me in the middle!" Luca announced happily as he let go of his mother and clambered up onto the big mattress. "Bed time, daddy!"


	47. Chapter 47

**AN:** Thanks for hanging in there, guys! Hope I didn't lose too many of ya. Two more weeks till I move and work gets a little less crazy!

* * *

 _skeletons and plans / you've got to let 'em go_

* * *

A neon green softball flew through the Staten Island air on a warm Sunday afternoon. Jesse was ready: she leapt for it, her pink and gray leather glove straining to catch it with an excited little shriek.

"Good catch, Jess. You're not afraid of the ball anymore, huh?" Sonny praised her from the other side of his parents' backyard.

It was just the two of them in Staten Island that day. Luca had an ear infection and Amanda had opted to stay home in Queens with both the toddler and Ruby. Jesse had been rambunctious and buzzing with energy since six o'clock that morning, and since she was unable to get the undivided attention she craved from her mother, she made a show of whining and moaning in bored despair for hours. Getting her out of the house made everybody's life easier.

Jesse puffed out her chest proudly and shook her head. "No." Grabbing the softball in her free fingers, she hurled it weakly in Sonny's direction as she demanded excitedly, "again! A fast one this time."

"Alright, comin' at ya..." He scooped the ball up from the grass and made a show of winding up, although he had no intention of throwing it to her with any significant force.

Before he could let go of the ball, the little girl was suddenly distracted. She craned her head to look at the sliding glass doors that led into the Carisi home. She waved her gloved hand as she called, "hi, aunt Teresa!"

Sonny turned, too, to see his sister peeking out of the doorway. Teresa offered a timid wave to them in return. "Hi, guys."

Watching Jesse smile innocently at his sister, Sonny felt a little jolt of irritation shoot through him - one he couldn't seem to shake. "Jesse, I'll be right back," he promised before he strode quickly inside the house after Teresa.

"Teresa, we need to talk." Sonny couldn't help but get straight to the point as he followed her into the empty kitchen.

"About what?" she asked sweetly, busying herself with drying the clean dishes that were waiting by the sink.

"About what you said to Amanda the other week," he clarified irritably. "Why would you say something like that, huh? That really hurt her. She'd never tell you that, but it did."

Teresa continued to organize the dishes in silence.

"And Jesse... she's my kid. Not biologically, but she's mine," Sonny went on, getting angrier with each passing second. "She's been mine for the past six years. Since when do you have a problem with that?"

"I don't, Sonny, alright? I don't," his sister blurted. Heaving a sigh, she set down the bowl she was drying and turned around to face her brother. She appeared embarrassed. "I shouldn't have said what I said, it's just..."

Sonny crossed his arms over his chest expectantly. "Just _what?_ "

"All this stuff with Mia, it's just... it makes me feel like I've failed as a parent," she admitted. "I couldn't keep my marriage together, her dad is barely involved... now what she's goin' through and how much she's struggling..." She squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head before looking at Sonny again. "Amanda is a great mother. I don't know how she does it, takin' care of three kids and workin' as hard as she does. You two are a great team. All of it just makes me feel inadequate."

"What happened to Mia has nothing to do with your parentin', Teresa," Sonny insisted, exasperated. "It has everything to do with Ethan bein' a rapist."

"It's just-"

" _Dad!_ " Jesse's voice shouted suddenly, followed by the sound of her fast footsteps as she ran into the kitchen.

He whirled around, eyes wide in anticipation at the urgency in the little girl's voice. "What? What is it?"

Tears streaming down her cheeks, Jesse thrust her bare right arm toward him, her dirty softball glove falling to the pristine floor. "I got, a bee, a bee stung me!" she cried.

Frowning, Sonny crouched down to Jesse's level to examine her outstretched limb. "Okay, it's alright," he soothed automatically. "C'mere, let's take a look." He gently turned her arm: a small, red welt with a tiny stinger in the center stood out against the little girl's otherwise unblemished skin.

"It hurts!" she sobbed.

"I bet it does, but we're gonna fix you right up," he promised over Jesse's breathless wails. He set a hand on each of her small shoulders to steady her and looked her in the eye. "Hey, take a deep breath. You're okay," Sonny encouraged the little girl gently. "That little bee is just doin' what bees do. He must not have known who he was messin' with." Looking up at Teresa, who was still hovering near by, he asked her, "hey, can you grab some ice outta the freezer and put it in a bag for her?"

Teresa nodded. "Yeah, of course," she agreed, a hand brushing affectionately over the top of Jesse's head as she moved toward the refrigerator.

"Alright, hold your arm still for me..." Sonny quickly used a fingernail to pick out the broken stinger even as Jesse wiggled and protested underneath this grip. "Ah, there ya go," he breathed triumphantly once he had freed it from her skin. "All done."

"Hold this on there, okay?" Teresa instructed Jesse gently, handing her the bag of ice wrapped up in a small towel. "It'll make it feel better."

Sniffling, Jesse nodded and pressed the cold compress to her arm, but then she shuffled closer to Sonny in order to hug him. He smiled and squeezed her petite form close to his as she whimpered. "Hey, there's no cryin' in base- er, softball, remember?" he teased Jesse before kissing the top of her head.

From above him, Sonny heard Teresa say softly, "I'm really am sorry, Sonny."

* * *

 **A few months later...**

Sitting in front of Ruby, Amanda tried to contain mashed up sweet potato to the baby's high chair tray. Ruby was learning to feed herself with both her hands and her small plastic fork, which was inevitably a messy experience. Beneath Amanda's chair sat Frannie, eating whatever fell her way. Luca entertained himself by watching television and playing with his trucks in the adjoining living room. Jesse and Sonny had been gone for several hours - they were spending the afternoon at the children's museum with Mia.

Sonny's niece had been noticeably more isolated and reserved since her pregnancy had been confirmed. She hadn't made a choice about what she wanted to do - instead she seemed to be avoiding it all together. Family gatherings were tense, with everybody just barely holding back their own personal opinions and judgements - until they didn't. For once, Amanda felt like she was the sanest of the bunch. She and Teresa were civil to one another; neither of them mentioned the hurtful words that were exchanged the day Mia told her mother she was pregnant. With everything else going on, it just seemed easier to sweep the interaction under the rug.

In an effort to check up on Mia, Sonny had invited her out that day. Jesse idolized the older girl and Sonny and Amanda hoped that some time out of the house doing something relatively mindless would lift Mia's spirits. Amanda also secretly wondered if being in a place surrounded by rambunctious little children would get the teenager thinking about what her own future held. When the front door of their Queens home finally swung open that evening, she was eager to know how it all went.

"Hey, guys," she called over her shoulder as Sonny and Jesse shrugged off their coats. "How was the museum?"

"It was the funnest!" Jesse exclaimed, running toward Amanda. "Mia and me made _slime!_ "

She quirked a brow. "You didn't bring it home, did you?"

The little girl shook her head solemnly as she hovered at her mother's side. "Daddy said 'no.'"

"Mm. Smart daddy," she murmured approvingly, turning back to continue to help Ruby get more sweet potato in her mouth - as opposed to in her hair. "Mama doesn't want that gunkin' up the carpet."

"I also saw, I also saw a dino, a dinosaur!" Jesse went on eagerly. She tended to stammer when she was excited or particularly enthusiastic about something. "And when dad picked me up, on his shoulders, I could reach it's head!"

"Wow. Sounds like y'all had a lot of fun."

"We did, uh huh."

"Dadada. Dada," Ruby cooed, holding up sticky orange fingers as her father entered the kitchen. It was one of the only words she said clearly; 'mama' had yet to leave her mouth.

"Hey, you!" Sonny greeted the baby cheerfully from behind Amanda. Setting a hand on her shoulder, he looked over at the six-year-old and said, "Jess, go wash your hands, would ya? Museums are filled with germs."

Amanda rolled her eyes as Jesse obediently skittered away to the bathroom.

"Did you stir my sauce?" Sonny wondered, moving so he could peer into the simmering pot he had left on the stove hours ago.

"Yes, every couple hours, just like you asked," Amanda promised before admitting sheepishly, "I ate a meatball outta there a few minutes ago, sorry. I was starving."

He retrieved a new, empty pot from a cabinet and filled it with water so it could boil for pasta. "Good?"

"Very." Amanda used the edge of Ruby's spoon to scrape some stray food off of her chubby cheek.

After he was done at the stove, Sonny dropped down into the chair next to her, leaned over and pecked her on the lips. "Hi," he murmured. When he pulled back, his eyes flickered over her. "Your hair looks nice."

Amanda smiled and reached a set of fingers up to graze over her long blonde tresses thoughtfully. She had managed to make it to a hair appointment earlier that day. Attached to the length, she hadn't had it cut much, but color was fresh and bright. "Y'like it?"

"Yeah, you always look good," he insisted, one of his hands giving her thigh a squeeze.

"Dadadada," Ruby babbled before hurling her spoon in Sonny's direction with surprising power.

"Whoa! Easy there, slugger," Sonny exclaimed with a laugh, quick reflexes allowing him to catch the utensil mid-air.

"Okay, I think we're done with the appetizer course," Amanda determined, swiftly removing the plastic bowl Ruby had been attempting to eat out of. When the baby's eyes widened in confusion, she promised, "you can have some of daddy's pasta in a little bit."

Luca appeared from the living room, anxious for attention as he crowded in at Sonny's side with a toy firetruck in his hand. Sonny curled an arm around the little boy as he promised his youngest daughter with a grin, "that's better than some boring old sweet potato anyway."

"How's Mia doin'?" Amanda asked curiously as she began to wipe off Ruby's hands with a damp paper towel.

He heaved a sigh while Luca drove his truck up and down his thigh making quiet siren noises. "She's depressed. She still hasn't decided what she's gonna do. I think she's still just avoidin' it all together."

She stopped wrestling with Ruby's wriggling fingers, set down the towel and shook her head lightly in dismay. "Well, she's five months along now..."

"I'm hungry," Luca whined, now rolling the firetruck up Sonny's chest.

"We're havin' dinner soon," he promised him, seemingly unfazed by the way the little boy was using him as a roadway for his toy. "I dunno, 'Manda..." he continued wearily as he fiddled with Ruby's discarded spoon, "I'm worried about her."

"She talk about Teresa?"

"She said it's still tense at home. They pretty much steer clear of one another. But, ah... Teresa did text me."

"What'd she say?"

"She was hoping that we - you - could help Mia make her decision."

Amanda's eyes narrowed on her husband. "Oh, _now_ she wants my help?"

"She said every time she tries to talk about it with Mia, they get into a huge argument."

"Wonder who's fault that is," she muttered sarcastically as she handed Ruby her bottle filled with water.

"Amanda," Sonny warned.

"I'm not sure how much help I'll be, but... for Mia, yeah, I'll talk to her," Amanda agreed with a sigh. She cast a pointed glance over at him. "I'm assuming you'd prefer not to be involved."

"Yep," Sonny told her simply. "C'mon, Lu. Help me put the pasta in the water," he suggested to the fidgeting toddler at his side before he rose to his feet.

"Okay." Luca abandoned his firetruck on the kitchen table to follow his father. Familiar with the routine, he pulled the small, folding step stool out from where it was stored by the refrigerator and sat it right next to the stove.

"You know, I really don't wanna be involved either," Amanda reminded Sonny.

"Nobody does," Sonny remarked grimly, "that's the problem."

* * *

"It's a boy," Mia announced as she sat across from Amanda at a table at El Rey, a small coffee shop and lunch place in the Lower East Side.

Amanda poked her fork at her salad, thinking. She was exhausted: this was a heavy topic to be addressing on her break from work. Eventually, she asked Mia carefully, "have you given any more thought about what you're gonna do?"

Mia visibly bridled, crossing her arms over her chest. Amanda noticed she was wearing a Hudson University sweatshirt. "Is that why you asked me to lunch?"

"I'm just, I'm worried about you, is all," she insisted, because it was true. "You seem down."

"I wanna keep it. Him."

"Okay... how's that gonna work?"

"We'll live with my mom."

"Is your mom okay with that?"

She shrugged.

"What about school? And work?"

"You sound like my mother," Mia grumbled.

Amanda sighed. "I'm just curious."

"I'll go back to school when he's born," Mia said.

She couldn't help but arch an eyebrow "Who's gonna watch him?"

"I dunno, he can go to daycare," she replied easily.

"How are you gonna pay-"

"Stop interrogating me!" Mia hissed angrily, casting a furtive glance over her shoulder to make sure they didn't have an audience.

Chewing the inside of her cheek, Amanda leaned in and met the teenagers irritable gaze. "Look, Mia. I know what it feels like to have somebody... hurt you the way you've been hurt," she admitted quietly. "I can't imagine how angry and scared you're feeling right now. But if I've learned anything - and trust me, it's taken me awhile to figure this out - if I've learned anything, it's you gotta talk about this stuff or it'll eat you alive." Her fingertips nudged Mia's on the table's surface. "If you can't talk to your mother, you can talk to me."

Mia bowed her head and fiddled with a french fry hanging off the edge of her plate. "I think I could be a mom," she mumbled. "A good mom."

"I think so, too," Amanda agreed diplomatically. "It's just... it's a lotta work, Mia."

"I've always been a hard worker."

"I know. And whatever you decide, you've got me and your uncle's support."

"My mom still feels bad about how she freaked out at you," Mia told her sheepishly, looking Amanda in the eye again. "I don't think she's very good at apologizing."

Amanda shook her head dismissively. "I'm not either. I get it."

"I'm sorry I... well, thank you for... for caring about me, through all this," she went on, fidgeting in her chair. "Sometimes I feel like all everybody ever thinks about is what happened to me, not... about me as a person, if that makes any sense..."

She nodded. "Yeah, it does."

* * *

At one thirty on a Monday morning, the body of an African American, teenage female was found lifeless in an alley in crime-ridden East New York. Stuck working an overnight shift because of staffing issues, Amanda and Sonny were called from the 16th precinct by Homicide, asking for back-up given the girl's age. Fin was already working a case in Harlem, while Liv had left for vacation the day before.

"Rollins, Carisi," Detective Devin Holiday greeted them curtly when they arrived on the scene. She stood in front of the yellow police tape like she was personally guarding the perimeter.

"Surprised you called SVU, knowin' how highly you think of us," Sonny quipped sarcastically. He kept his hands tucked into the pockets of his NYPD jacket; he clearly had no intention of greeting Devin properly, which had Amanda struggling to suppress a smug grin by his side.

"She's just a kid and there's evidence she's been sexually assaulted," Devin explained, tone clipped as she led them underneath the tape to approach the body. "Just following protocol." She pulled back the sheet covering the form of the young girl: on her stomach, limbs akimbo, one cheek pressed against the filthy pavement. A single bullet hole stood out at the base of her skull, dark blood draining down the back of her hot pink dress. "Some guy went back here to shoot up. He found her and called us. CSU went through her purse: it's filled with condoms, lube, make-up..."

"Damn, she looks like she's barely fifteen years old," Amanda breathed, noticing the girl's young features.

"She was shot execution style," Devin went on. "This was likely gang-related."

Sonny moved carefully around the body, then crouched down to further assess its condition. "VICE in on this?"

"Yeah," Devin nodded. "Apparently they've been trying to snag Cypress Hill Crip leaders who've been targeting teenage girls for their prostitution ring. They've been hanging around their high schools and contacting them on Facebook, promising them a lot of cash for sleeping with men. They wine and dine them, give them a taste of what they think is going to be their glamorous new life, before they start beating the shit out of them to keep them obedient and working."

"Yeah, we know what sex trafficking is, detective," Amanda assured Devin sardonically.

Devin bristled. "Anyway," she continued irritably, "we found a Cypress Hill College Preparatory school I.D. on her. According to VICE, a couple weeks ago a girl in that same school told one of her teachers that she got a Facebook message propositioning her to join the ring and she didn't know how to respond. When the detectives interviewed her, she denied everything and said that she was 'living the life she wanted to live.'" She passed Sonny the I.D. card before crossing her arms over her chest.

"Tara Blakely. Looks like she's a junior, so she's, what, sixteen, maybe?" Sonny observed, standing up again and peering down at the small photograph of the girl. He met Devin's hard gaze. "You contact the parents?"

"I figured I'd leave that up to you," Devin replied. "Chief Boyce at VICE wants you to report back to him with details. He said not to move forward until you talk to him."

Sonny rolled his eyes. "You're passin' the buck?"

"Of course not," Devin told him sweetly. "Just deferring to the sex crime experts."

* * *

They didn't make it to VICE until two hours later. Bleary-eyed and armed only with information from Tara's hysterical, shell-shocked grandmother and Facebook, they entered the bustling Queens precinct. They encountered Chief Boyce behind his overflowing desk; he was barely visible behind stacks of files and paperwork. Middle-aged and perpetually tired-looking, he stood up from his chair to greet them.

"Detective. Sergeant," Boyce said, shaking both of their hands firmly. "Holiday told me you were headed my way. Where's your lieutenant?"

"Disney World with her son till next week," Sonny explained. "She knows what's goin' on."

"Ah. Coffee?" Boyce offered, moving toward the beverage station in his office.

"Please," they replied gratefully in unison.

He began to pour them both cups. "What do you have for me?"

Whenever Amanda and Sonny worked cases together, there was always a quiet element of competition between them. Both were enthusiastic about their jobs - and both of them liked being right. Shamelessly wanting to show off a little for the Chief she barely knew, Amanda immediately replied, "Tara's grandmother was raising her and her two little brothers alone... mom has been MIA for five years, father's incarcerated for drug trafficking. Grandma got us in to her Facebook. Tara had exchanged hundreds of messages with older men arranging times and places to meet to have sex since April. She also had 'bodyguards' who look like they were other gang members assigned to 'watching' her when she went out; that came up in some of the chats. Going back in her history, it was a guy named Ray Alexander who first propositioned her via Messenger on April second."

"We know him," Boyce sighed, handing them each steaming hot cups of coffee. "He works under Mario Maxson, which means Tara was a part of the Crips prostitution ring. Maxson runs the operation. We've been trying to nail the scumbag for months. We haven't even bothered with the losers underneath him - my undercovers don't wanna risk their position and waste their time when it's Maxson we want."

"You think he's the one who did this to her?" Sonny wondered.

"From what I know about this guy - this gang - if he didn't do it himself, he ordered it. My men infiltrating are still too low-level to get any details on a planned hit, if that's what this was - or maybe this was something impulsive out of necessity." He perched himself on the edge of his desk gingerly. "The fact that the medical examiner said she was raped right before she was killed... she could have been doing a date, yeah, but for what it's worth, I'm willing to bet Maxson did it himself before he shot her. He's a sick bastard."

"Her grandmother told us Tara was pretty depressed the past couple of weeks," Sonny explained. "Maybe she was tryin' to escape the life and he wasn't havin' it."

"Maybe." Boyce looked between the two of them, appearing both tired and frustrated. "But these are all hunches. Right now Tara just looks like a misguided kid who was prostituting herself and got killed in the game. There's no evidence of something bigger. I'm hoping somebody blabs to one of my undercovers at the right time, but... these guys are pretty tight-lipped. They aren't dumb. They don't trust anybody and they know what we need to make a case against them."

"We're gonna go back to the high school tomorrow, see if any other girls there are victims," Amanda said after a swallow of coffee. "Maybe they can tell us something about Tara - or about any of these guys."

"Yeah, I get that, but..." Boyce heaved another sigh. "Here at VICE, sometimes we gotta get these guys from other angles, you know? A lot of times we can't get gang members on a sex crime. We can get drug trafficking, armed robbery, car theft, extortion... but rarely can we prosecute anything to do with sexual assault."

Amanda felt a rush of indignation. "Well, SVU is sure as hell gonna try."

* * *

"Carisi."

Coat in hand, Sonny turned around at his locker to find Chief Dodds standing behind him. He was both startled and mildly concerned; while he had respect for Dodds, he found him somewhat terrifying from an administrative standpoint. Whenever they interacted, Sonny tried to conjure memories of his old buddy Mike, Dodds' kind and hard-working son. He had died years ago, but he wondered if Dodds still grieved his loss, if it played into the callous way he sometimes interacted with others. Now that Sonny was a father, he couldn't imagine what it would be like to lose a child - losing a friend had been hard enough.

"Glad I caught you before you left," Dodds went on, sinking into a chair at the break room table. He gestured to an empty seat. "Have a minute?"

Closing his locker, he slung his jacket over his knee as he sat across from Dodds. "What's goin' on, Chief?"

"How are things?" he asked curiously.

Sonny suppressed the urge to raise his eyebrows; he was fairly confident Dodds wasn't interested in his life. "Uh... fine..."

Dodds nodded, then admitted, "I need a favor."

"Alright..."

"VICE is down-staffed. Since we do so much of the same kind of work at SVU, Boyce asked to borrow an experienced detective from SVU."

"I'll do a couple shifts with them, sure."

"It's a little more than that."

He furrowed his brow and waited.

"The Tara Blakely case we've all been working on this week," Dodds clarified. "Mario Maxson. VICE has been trailing him for months but they haven't got enough evidence to nail him on anything worthwhile. Even if they did, nobody'll talk and nobody'll be willing to testify against him. You know how it is with gangs." He leaned back in his chair, gaze still on Sonny. "I've been told that he's also suspected to be a major gun dealer. VICE is thinking they can get an A1 felony for that, even if we can't prove he's also a murderer and a pimp - which is the working theory."

"As you know, sometimes we have to... guide suspects into opportunities to reach the level of law-breaking we want - for maximum prosecution," the Chief went on, a mischievous glint in his eye. "We want to put this guy away for good, so we've gotta catch him in something big. VICE has got a couple undercovers with the Crips in Cypress Hill - they've been watching the guns and the drugs - but they need someone specifically working the gun angle, somebody to come in and up the ante. A buyer."

Sonny felt his stomach turn over in anticipation. "I dunno, Chief..."

Dodds appeared surprised. "I thought you'd jump at the chance to do something this big."

"I mean, I would, I am... well, it's just..." he stammered stupidly. He was immediately conflicted: he was flattered that Dodds wanted him for such an important job, but he was also apprehensive about getting involved in something so dangerous and complex as a husband and father of three children.

"You'd get paid more, don't worry about that," Dodds assured him with a small, knowing smile.

"No, that's not what I meant," Sonny finally managed. "I mean, I've done undercover work like this before. This could go on for months and I... well, I've got three little kids I gotta think about, Chief."

"When I was your age with two kids, I was still a beat cop, Carisi. I woulda jumped at the opportunity to do something like this," Dodds exclaimed. "It's a career-maker. With your extensive knowledge of the legal system, you're the only one I've considered for the job."

"I get it, yeah, but with all due respect, Chief-"

"I'm not asking you, detective," Dodds interrupted curtly, rising to his feet. "Lieutenant Benson's not happy. She doesn't wanna be down a good detective, but..."

Sonny peered up at him nervously. "But?"

He clapped a hand on Sonny's shoulder on his way out of the room. "Let's just say: it's good to be king."


	48. Chapter 48

**AN:** I'M BACK! Thanks for your patience, fellow Rollisi lovers! Here is a random one-shot from "Service" aaaaaand all the other stuff. Yes, there is Esther angst is coming and no, I haven't forgotten about our girl Mia! xox

* * *

McCaffree's Pub was empty, save for two men huddled close over beers at a corner table and Amanda Rollins staring into her dwindling whiskey at the bar. The amber liquid slid in and out of focus before her blue eyes, already five glasses in, and she blinked hard a few times to combat the effects of the alcohol impairing her vision. With an elbow on the sticky bar, she plopped her chin into her palm; she could feel the bow-shape of her mouth turning downward in an involuntary frown.

"Rollins, hey," a familiar, breathless voice said, "thought I'd find you here."

Amanda blinked again, disoriented. Tall and lean, dressed in a navy pea coat, Sonny Carisi was suddenly hovering at her side. "What are you doin' here?" she blurted out of genuine confusion.

He shoved his hands in the pockets of his jacket sheepishly. "You seemed like you were havin' a hard time. I just wanted to-"

"Are you comin' to bust my ass about Skye - Sandy - whatever the hell her name is?" she slurred before continuing haughtily, "I already apologized, _soooo_ , you can save your self-righteousness for somebody else."

He quirked a brow as his gaze flickered down to her drink. "How many of these have you had?"

"A couple," she replied vaguely.

"Where's Jess-"

"Oh my God, _relax_ , Carisi. The sitter's watchin' her till eleven."

Sonny glanced at his watch. "It's eleven fifteen..."

Amanda's eyes widened. "Ah, shit." She quickly rummaged through her purse resting on the barstool next her, pulling out a handful of crumpled pills to toss onto the bar.

She felt a hand on her shoulder as Sonny said, "I'm gonna take you home."

She snorted in amusement, clambering off of her seat and snatching at her coat that she had been sitting on. "No, you're not."

"C'mon, you're shitfaced," he challenged her with a frown. "It's dark and-"

"And _what?_ I'm just a delicate flower who could fall victim to a predator at any time?" she sneered with obvious sarcasm before offering him a smirk. "I throw a better punch than you do. I'm good." With her jacket hanging off of her shoulders, she swayed past him toward the front door.

Sonny strode quickly behind her, clearly undeterred. "Okay, let's get you a cab at least."

Putting two fingers in her mouth, Amanda let out an expert whistle once she was outside teetering on the edge of the curb. A bright yellow taxi slid up to the sidewalk mere seconds later. She managed to yank open the car's door and topple into the back; she practically crawled into the worn out seat. She felt a presence come up behind her, and when she looked over her shoulder, through her unruly blonde bangs she saw Sonny settling into the taxi, too. "Hey! What are you doin' in my cab?" she sputtered indignantly.

"I told you, I'm takin' you home," he replied coolly.

Amanda strained forward between the two front seats, wedging her slim body over the center console. "Uh, 'scuse me, sir," she slurred to the driver, "this man is harassing me and I want him to leave. I am a New York City p-"

"Long Island City. Jackson and 50th," Sonny interrupted loudly, and the car pulled away from the bar as if Amanda hadn't said anything at all.

She slumped back into her seat dramatically. "Jesus, fuck, no wonder you're single," she huffed, crossing her arms tightly over her chest like a petulant child as she glared at him. "You are the most suffocating, invasive, know-it-all I've ever met."

Sonny offered her a charming grin in the dark, his familiar features illuminated by the glow of the iPhone he was thumbing through. "Aw, Rollins, don't make me blush."

Scowling, she jerked her chin away to stare out of the window, dizzily watching the city fly by as the taxi traveled to Queens. They rode together in silence until they eventually arrived at her street corner. Amanda didn't protest when Sonny followed her up to her unit, or when he lingered in her kitchen even after the sitter left. In fact, it was kind of nice to go home with somebody familiar. She was so used to doing everything alone, although, foolishly, recently, she had allowed herself to believe those days were over. That, of course, was what all the whiskey was for.

In order to stave off any potential awkwardness with Sonny, Amanda opted to keep drinking. She shrugged off her coat and purse and tossed them carelessly onto her couch before she grabbed two clean tumblers from the dish rack by her sink. "You know what the problem with men is? You think with your dick," Amanda declared to Sonny randomly, bending down to rummage through her liquor cabinet next. Her fingers curled around the neck of a half-empty Maker's Mark bottle. "And it's like - you know what it's like? Gambling. Y'all get a good setta cards and you could stop there, you could be satisfied with that, but you aren't. You keep going because there's a chance you can do better." She popped back upright with the whiskey in hand, the entire apartment wobbling before her eyes before she got her bearings again. "Hell, there's a whole fuckin' _universe_ filled with chances to do better! Why stop at just one lousy hand?" She dumped the alcohol in the two glasses and thrust one toward Sonny across the counter.

He held up a hand in protest. "No, I'm-"

"C'mon, don't make me drink alone," she whined, puffing out her lower lip in a pout.

Visibly relaxing, he reached for the liquor and took a sip.

Amanda took a gulp of whiskey, too, the alcohol burning her chest. Her gaze narrowed on Sonny, who was dutifully drinking along with her. "Somebody like Skye..." she continued curiously, "have you ever...?"

"Ever what?" When he realized what she was implying, his blue eyes grew wide in outrage. "Been with a prostitute? Of course not."

"Psh," she scoffed, giving her glass a dismissive wave. "Don't act like you don't know half of NYPD is dirty, getting three a.m. blowjobs in their squad cars while their wives and kids are at home hopin' they come home from another shift alive."

Sonny's brow furrowed in disapproval. "They're scumbags."

"Mm, not always." Amanda waggled her eyebrows as a slow smirk tugged at her mouth. "I have a pretty good scumbag radar, y'know. I've arrested - and banged - my fair share of 'em." After a few quiet seconds, the coy grin flickered and faded from her features. She set her whiskey down on the counter top and peered down into the glass. "But sometimes... sometimes they're educated and successful and sweet," she went on softly, wistfully, "and you're thinkin', 'wow, I finally did it. I finally found somebody who... who knows how to make a goddamn dinner reservation - why is that such a feat for y'all? - and, and they're interested in how my Tuesday is going and they think my kid is smart and fun - not some awkward burden they've gotta work around to get laid...'" Lifting her gaze, she met Sonny's eyes. "Then you realize, that's 'cause they're gettin' laid elsewhere. They're just hoping to keep you distracted enough with their... with their _Nice Guy_ act so you don't figure it out."

"There's so many," she whispered wearily, head bowed as she spoke to her drink again. "There's so many women who... who'll be smarter or prettier or more successful or a better fuck. It's like you're in some lifelong competition you never even wanted to be a part of, just to find somebody who... who cares about you _just a little bit more_ than they do all the others. Somebody who _chooses_ you." If she hadn't been so drunk, she would have been embarrassed by her stream of consciousness, by the lump of emotion rising in her throat. Instead, totally disinhibited by alcohol, she dared to look up at Sonny again and said the next thing on her mind: "I can't figure out why I'm never anybody's choice."

Sonny's brows knitted together; he seemed more sad than disturbed by her tangent. He carefully set his drink down on the counter and took a step closer to her. "'Manda..." he began quietly, "there _are_ good people out there."

She let out a snort of laughter, her skepticism impossible to mask. "Have you found one?"

His gaze was steady on hers. "I'm lookin' at her."

Taken aback by his simple words, Amanda's face flushed hot. She had never thought of herself as _good._ Maybe that was the problem - she was constantly trying to convince men that she was enough, but she didn't believe it herself. "Don't fuck with me, Carisi," she heard herself say brashly.

"I'm not," Sonny insisted. "You're an amazing woman, Amanda. I've been tryin' to tell you that for years."

"I, uh, well, I..." She could feel her throat tightening and hands starting to tremble. Was she having a panic attack? She (secretly) put Sonny on such a pedestal, so to hear him speak so highly of her was overwhelming. Her eyes began to prickle with tears and she was too hazy with whiskey to do anything when one escaped and leaked down her cheek.

Sonny looked vaguely surprised, then uncomfortable as he wondered, "are you... are you cryin'?"

She was able to pull herself together enough to use a knuckle to quickly brush away the rogue tear. "No, I'm not," she lied.

"I didn't mean-"

"That's the thing, Carisi," Amanda interrupted, her voice scratchy and thick with emotion. "You do mean it. You mean everything you say." Another hot tear, and this time she didn't bother to wipe it. "When you talk to me I always know you're being honest."

He lifted a palm up and rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, his gaze flickering to his shoes before they flitted back to her face."Here, you got some-" He took a few more steps toward her until there were only a few inches left between them. Reaching out to her, each of his thumbs slowly and gently swiped beneath her eyes. "-black stuff..."

"Mascara," she murmured. She allowed her eyes to close briefly, savoring the barely-there sensation of his fingers. "Hm, your hands are warm."

"I think that's your face," Sonny chuckled quietly. His hands didn't move: his palms hovered at her cheeks, just barely cradling them, grazing her skin.

"Oh." Amanda blinked him back into focus slowly. Was it the alcohol - or was he looking at her with a special kind of intensity? She could have sworn there was something in his blue eyes she had never seen before... "You look like you wanna kiss me."

A slow, lopsided grin formed on his mouth. "I do."

"So why don't you?" she challenged him.

Sonny wet his lips nervously, his gaze wandering around the room as if someone could be watching. Still, he didn't release her face. "You're... we shouldn't..."

Amanda brazenly reached up and wrapped her fingers around the edges of his hands. Rising up onto the toes of her boots, she leaned in and did it herself: she pressed her lips against Sonny's. His mouth was warm, unfamiliar but oddly comforting anyway. Kissing him was different, exciting - not just because it was new. The longer it went on, the deeper they explored each other's tongues, the more clearly she determined that his mouth made her feel things others' entire _bodies_ had not. Suddenly, she was dizzy with the intensity of the realization. Amanda jerked away from Sonny abruptly, eyes wide, a palm pressing against her sternum as she pulled much-needed oxygen into her lungs.

"Are you okay?" he asked anxiously before his blown-out pupils narrowed on her suspiciously, "are you gonna puke?"

"No, I just, I... nobody's ever... it's like you took the air right outta me," she explained breathlessly, her ability to sensor herself gone long before Sonny even appeared at McCaffree's. She set both of her palms against his chest, appreciating the sturdiness of it, the warmth. She met his eyes and saw how earnest his gaze was, how anticipatory, how lovely - and it terrified her. "I... don't wanna talk about this tomorrow," she whispered, already anxious to protect the sober, confused woman she would inevitably become in the morning.

Sonny covered her hands with his own as he asked slyly, "how about the day after?"

Amanda couldn't help the tiny smile that played at her lips. "Okay."

* * *

Ruby's warm, chubby cheek rested against her mother's chest as she slept. A set of the baby's small fingers clung to the scooped collar of Amanda's white t-shirt and she was only wearing one sock, despite starting the evening off with a pair. Periodically, Amanda looked away from the television show she was watching and stole glances down at her youngest daughter, making sure her eyes were still closed. She had spent the last hour toting the child around the bedroom in hopes of soothing her; she had woken up wailing for no particular reason at nine o'clock that night. Thankfully she had successfully gotten her back to sleep without waking the two other children in the house, but only twenty-five minutes into the new-found peace, Amanda didn't want to risk returning Ruby to her crib just yet. Instead, she gingerly sat down on her bed with the baby cradled in her arms and resumed watching television.

A box of opened Girl Scout cookies sat on the night stand in she and Sonny's room, the plastic carton half-empty over the course of consuming three episodes of _Sister Wives_ before she was interrupted. She had the night off - and that's how she had proudly chosen to spend it. Eating while balancing a sleeping child was a skill that had come with a few years of practice. Amanda had only gotten a few stray Thin Mint crumbs on Ruby's head by the time that Sonny came through the door.

"Hey," she greeted Sonny with a smile.

"Hi." Sonny's eyes flickered to Ruby as he shrugged off his suit jacket and tossed it onto a chair in the corner. "She okay?"

"Just a little grumpy," Amanda explained. "She's been asleep for almost a half hour now, though."

Leaning down, he kissed Amanda. When he pulled away, he spotted the cookies on the nightstand. "Where'd those come from?"

"I bought them from one of Jesse's friends a few months ago, remember? It's just that, well, I hid the last box behind all the canned stuff so the kids wouldn't find it," Amanda admitted sheepishly. She held up a Thin Mint with mischievous grin. "Want one?"

He shook his head as he loosened his tie and began to unbutton his vest. "Nah."

Amanda watched Sonny move around the room: he set his badge, wallet and keys on the bureau, locked his gun in the safe in their closet - all the while wearing an incredibly serious frown. While Amanda had perfected the art of the poker face, Sonny's features were always extremely expressive, and the way he looked that night sparked mild concern in the pit of her stomach. "What's the matter?" she asked curiously. "You look... not right."

Sonny exhaled as he dropped down to sit on the edge of the bed beside her. Despite refusing moments earlier, he reached over for a cookie. "Dodds wants me to go undercover."

She arched an eyebrow, confused by how distressed he seemed to be by a fairly normal request. "Okay..."

"Like, really undercover," he clarified after he finished chewing. "With VICE for the Tara Blakley case. They don't have enough evidence. They wanna get him on gun dealin' instead."

"What are they thinking? You work for SVU. You don't belong mixed up all that," she remarked. "Let VICE figure it out, just like we've always gotta make due."

He cringed. "I don't know..."

"You are not going undercover buying guns," she laughed incredulously. "This is just the typical _Never Yielding Perpetual Dickaround._ They'll find somebody else to sucker into it."

"Well, that's the thing. It wasn't a question - it sounded like more of an order."

"You can't do it."

"Because?"

"Because... I said so."

"I don't think mom logic applies here."

"Tell him 'no.'"

"I tried."

"You're a pushover. You probably let Dodds steamroll you."

"How do you know? You weren't there."

"Because I know you," she insisted irritably, worry beginning to rise inside of her chest. The baby in her arms stirred and Amanda gave her a gentle jostle in hopes of keeping her asleep as she studied Sonny's profile. "You don't... want to go, do you?"

He looked momentarily outraged at the suggestion, then sheepish. "I mean, no, but..."

"But?" she pressed him.

"I can't help but think if I _had_ to do it, it would be good for my career," he explained slowly, casting a tentative glance over at Amanda as if he was afraid of her reaction. "It's pretty high-profile."

Ruby began to whimper and wriggle more insistently in her mother's arms, prompting Amanda to stand up so she could begin to walk around the room with her again. "You _do_ wanna do it," she exclaimed, eyes wide in disbelief.

"I don't!" Sonny insisted, putting his hands up in surrender. "I don't wanna be away from you guys, but... c'mon, if Dodds offered it to you-"

"-I'd say no," she interrupted. "Maybe six years ago I'd jump on it, but not now. Not with three little kids."

"I don't think I have a choice, 'Manda," he sighed. "He already talked to Liv about it, before he brought it to me."

Shocked, Amanda stopped in her tracks despite Ruby's protesting. She felt her heart drop heavily into the pit of her stomach. "What the - and she didn't say anything to us first?" she sputtered.

"Guess not," Sonny muttered.

"What am I supposed to do, huh?" she demanded, resuming her pacing although it was less about soothing the baby and more of an outlet for her own mounting anxiety. "There's no way I can keep workin' as much as I do and take care of the kids on my own."

"My mother-"

"I don't want your mother. I want you."

Frowning, he pressed his lips together and nodded solemnly in apparent understanding.

"You're not gonna be able to see us or even really talk to us. Nothing," Amanda went on, voice quieter but still strained. "It's gonna be like you don't exist. And this gang shit, it's dangerous. What if something happens to you?"

Leaning over, Sonny rested his elbows against his knees and put his head in his hands. "I know. I know, you're right."

"I can't believe Liv agreed to this," she whispered, genuinely shocked. "I can't believe she didn't tell us."

He scraped his fingers through his hair and sat up straight again. "I don't think Liv or Dodds is all that interested in our two cents."

Teeth sinking into her lower lip, she shook her head in dismay. "After everything... after all the times we've looked out for Liv and Noah..."

"I'm gonna talk to Dodds again, see if I can get out of it," Sonny promised her.

Amanda scowled. "I don't trust him. He's a shady asshole and nobody can convince me otherwise."

"I know, I know. I don't trust him either," he agreed, tone grim. "He's so different from Mike..." Rising to his feet, Sonny strode over to her. "Don't freak out just yet, okay?"

"I'm not..." she said unconvincingly.

Sonny sighed wearily before he offered, "c'mon, you want me to put her to bed?" He reached for Ruby insistently. "Your arms must be goin' numb."

"Yeah, kinda," she grumbled, carefully passing the sleeping baby off to him. "Thanks..."

Sonny gingerly adjusted Ruby in his arms before he slipped out of the bedroom. Alone, Amanda let out an audible exhale as she rubbed her forehead in thought. Her first instinct was to address this with Dodds on her own, but she knew Sonny would never forgive her if she meddled so blatantly in his job. Amanda trusted that Sonny would ask the Chief not to be reassigned, but she wasn't convinced that his request would be granted. No matter what, it was out of her control; she hated that.

When Sonny returned to their room empty-handed, they moved easily around one another as they each got ready for bed. Eventually, they both settled atop their mattress, lazy limbs stretched out as the television still played in front of them. Amanda curled into Sonny's side, her head resting on his chest. She felt his arm snake around her, a palm settling on the bare skin between the waist of her sweatpants and the hem of her top. An ear against the soft fabric of his t-shirt, she could hear his heart beating steadily, the rhythmic sound somewhat relaxing. Above her, she knew his gaze was flickering between his phone in his free hand and the television, which was now playing _Chopped_ \- their compromise. She let her eyes drift shut, but she couldn't seem to leave them closed for more than a minute. "Sonny?"

"Hm?" he grunted in response.

Amanda sat up straight. With a knee on either side of his thighs, she sunk down onto his lap. Her palms drifted down the warm, solid planes of his chest, stopping at his waist so she could fiddle with the frayed hem of his old Fordham t-shirt. She watched her fingers, eyes downcast, almost embarrassed by the words on the very tip of her tongue.

Sonny put his phone down on the mattress and his hands settled on her hips instead. "What is it, 'Manda?"

She pulled at a loose maroon thread and rolled it between the pads of her forefinger and thumb before she peered up at Sonny through the blonde curtain of her bangs. "I get that this is our job. Really, I do," she began hastily, clearly referencing their previous conversation. "You're a good cop, Sonny. You should be able to showcase that..." Amanda took a breath, steadying herself in order to continue, "I don't want you to think I can't handle it here without you, but..." She felt a sheepish pout form on her lips as she admitted, "I don't wanna be here without you."

He gave her a wan smile. "It's not that I wanna be gone. You and the kids are more important to me than anything. I can't even... I can't imagine not seein' all of you every day. It's hard enough when we work opposite shifts." He looked bashful as he told her, "I'm just, I was kinda flattered that Dodds wanted me, to be honest."

Amanda nodded slowly. "I get it," she said, because she did.

"You mad at me?" Sonny wondered.

Amanda shook her head. "Nah."

His hands squeezed her appreciatively. "Nervous?"

"Yeah..." She chewed her bottom lip.

"I bet. You guys would all starve without me," he teased her.

She frowned, not amused by Sonny's attempt at humor.

He took her face between his palms, familiar, calloused skin warm against her smooth cheeks. "Hey, enough of that. I told you, don't freak out just yet," he urged her gently. "You always get ten steps ahead."

Amanda scrunched up her nose and offered him a small smirk. "That's why I'm a good detective."

"And an anxious woman," Sonny added.

She scowled and crossed her arms over her chest, defensive. "Look, I'm sorry I'm not excited for you. The prospect of you bein' murdered by one of the city's most notorious gangs doesn't exactly thrill me."

"Hey, hey, hey. Slow down, alright?" he implored her again, hands moving to tug at her folded arms, prompting her to reluctantly drop them away from her chest. He tangled their fingers together, their palms flush. "I'm not some twenty-two year old rookie lookin' for glory. Doin' something like this, at the end of the day, it's not worth it. I wanna do my job with SVU, sleep in my own bed with my wife, and be there for my kids every day. I'm not after anything else."

Even though it wasn't something new, a reassuring warmth crept into Amanda's chest at Sonny's genuine love for his family. "So, you're gonna talk to Dodds?" she asked timidly, even though he had already told her that he would.

Sonny nodded. "I am."

"Okay." Momentarily satisfied, she began to shift her body off of his.

"Where do you think you're goin'?" Sonny asked her playfully, fingers still entwined with hers.

She sunk back down onto his lap. "Next to you..."

"Hm, no," he hummed with a mischievous glint in his eyes. "Stay right here. I like the view."

Pink blossomed along her cheekbones as a coy smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. Releasing one of his hands, Amanda prodded his chest playfully. "After all this time, Carisi," she sighed wistfully, "after all this time, you still make me blush. How d'you manage that?"

* * *

Amanda surveyed the vending machine in the break room as if she hadn't seen its contents a million times before. Nine thirty in the morning was too early for soda for most people, but she was desperate for some caffeine: the coffee in the precinct was old and her six a.m. Starbucks was long gone. She gnawed on her ragged thumb nail in contemplation as she rocked back and forth on the heels of her boots.

"Rollins, how are you?" Liv's familiar voice came from behind her; she was back from her trip to Florida with Noah.

She kept her eyes focused straight ahead as she replied briskly, "fine." Amanda was well-aware that it was an obviously passive-aggressive response, but that was sort of her trademark.

"Everything okay while I was gone?" Liv wondered.

Amanda used the side of her fist to forcefully punch at the Diet Coke button. The machine whirled and her soda dropped into the bottom compartment with a 'thud.' "Yep."

The lieutenant sighed. "I'm guessing Dodds talked to Carisi."

"Yeah, he did." She finally turned around to face Liv, wearing a scowl that was more indicative of her hurt rather than anger. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Liv sighed again and crossed her arms over her chest, appearing sheepish. "It's not about you."

Her blue eyes widened in genuine confusion. "We're married," she reminded her.

"I understand that, but that detail is irrelevant here at work," Liv replied slowly. "You should know that by now."

She felt color begin to rise in her face. "I just, I thought we had each other's backs..."

"We do, Amanda," Liv insisted. "You're taking this personally."

"It _is_ personal," Amanda snapped, annoyance prickling through her veins. "I've gotten _personal_ for you, remember? All that shit with Cassidy, I put my ass on the line for you. For _both_ of you. I knew how much he meant to you and what a crappy position he put you in and I didn't want to see either of you hurt. But you couldn't even have the decency to _talk_ to me - to both of us - about this VICE thing before having Dodds back Carisi into a corner?"

"Like it or not, Amanda, I'm in charge here and Dodds is in charge of me," the lieutenant retorted curtly. "Sometimes obligations to the job have to be prioritized over friendship."

"Don't act like you have no control over this," she scoffed. "You're _the_ Olivia Benson, aren't you? You fix everything. Or is it just that since it's not you bein' taken away from _your_ kid, you don't really give a damn?"

Liv's cheeks colored and her mouth fell open in shock before her gaze narrowed on Amanda dangerously. "You are way outta line."

"What else is new?" Amanda spat sarcastically before she turned to storm back into the precinct. She was so angry that she knew she needed to leave the room before she said something she _really_ regretted. She didn't need the damn soda anyway. Just as her hand yanked at the door handle, however, she felt Liv's grip on her arm.

"Amanda, hey, wait," Liv pleaded. "Wait a second."

Genuinely confused, Amanda stopped. She scowled and looked at Liv over her shoulder. "Huh?"

"I'll, I'll tell him," Liv told her quietly. "I'll tell Dodds to back off."

"You will?"

"You have my word."

Slowly, Amanda turned around, freeing herself from her lieutenant's grip. She crossed her arms over her chest and eyed Liv suspiciously. "Why?"

"Because you're right," Liv admitted. "You've always had my back. Now I have yours."

Amanda relaxed slightly, but remained somewhat skeptical. "Just like that? Just like that, this is all gonna go away?"

"Well, it's not gonna be easy. I've got some asses to kiss, but..." she explained grimly," I'm willing to do it for you."

Amanda cleared her throat, somewhat embarrassed by her outburst moments earlier. Her gaze flickered down to the floor as she chewed the inside of her cheek. "I, uh, I'm sorry I-"

"Just do me a favor, okay?" Liv asked.

Peering up at Liv again, she nodded. "Yeah."

"We never had this conversation," the lieutenant instructed.

Amanda nodded eagerly, gratefully. "Copy that."


	49. Chapter 49

**AN:** Some of this dialogue isn't mine - it's from Sunk Cost Fallacy - so don't sue me. Again, thank you for your patience. It's been a busy spring! Happy SVU finale night... let's hope nobody we love dies/gets kicked off/breaks the law so heinously they get incarcerated for life/etc!

* * *

 _I can't send back the rain / but if I could I would / my love, my arms are open_

* * *

"'Nother one," Luca mumbled thickly through his thumb in his mouth. He was tucked into Amanda's side in his bed, warm and pliant in his pajamas as his mother finished reading him his third story of the night. Frannie was curled up at the end of Amanda's outstretched legs, seemingly content to listen to the string of books, too.

"No way. We already read three," Amanda yawned, giving the toddler's shoulders a squeeze. The pleasant narratives had effectively made her drowsy; she could only hope they had done the same for Luca. "It's time for sleep."

Luca let out a whine of protest, his little limbs wriggling beneath his sheets.

She closed the book and set it on his nightstand before planting a kiss atop his blonde head. "Love you, Lu."

"Love you," he grumbled, giving one more dramatic flop against her side before he settled down onto his pillow.

Smiling, Amanda pulled herself off of Luca's bed and Frannie followed suit. "Sweet dreams."

Padding down the hallway, she poked her head into Jesse's room. The six-year-old was on her floor, dressing up all of her dolls and stuffed animals in various outfits and accessories with great concentration.

"Jesse, put your pajamas on soon, okay? Bedtime in an hour or so," Amanda reminded her. Her gaze narrowed on Fluffy, who was wearing a pink ribbon tied in a sloppy bow around his neck as he padded around the carpet. "What'd you do to the cat?"

"It's a necklace!" Jesse responded brightly. "Frannie wears a bandanna, so Fluffy should have something, too."

She raised her eyebrows. "Okay, but, he's a boy..."

"When's dad coming home?" the little girl asked, apparently choosing to ignore her mother's mild concern about the cat's attire.

"I dunno," Amanda answered honestly, "whenever he's done with his work. He's on the late shift tonight."

Jesse crawled across her floor to rummage through one of her baskets of toys. "Morgan in my class says that her dad goes to work every day in the morning and comes home every dinner time," she offered idly, yanking her American Girl Doll from the depths of her collection, "and that her mom doesn't have a job."

She quirked a curious eyebrow. "Oh yeah?"

Crawling back to her circle of toys, she nodded. "Yeah."

Amanda crossed her arms over her chest and remarked haughtily, "I think that's weird."

Jesse placed her doll gently among its friends, smoothing its disheveled hair out as she mumbled, "sometimes... sometimes, a little bit, I wish you and dad were like that."

Frowning, she stepped further into her daughter's room. "You know our jobs are kinda different, Jesse," Amanda reminded her.

"Uh huh." Without looking up, Jesse nodded.

Amanda sighed. She approached her oldest daughter and crouched down beside her. She reached a hand out, her fingers brushing away the little girl's hair from her face so she could study her petite features. Her eyes were the deepest shade of brown - the one thing Declan Murphy had bestowed upon his child. Taking her small chin between her fingers, Amanda turned Jesse's face toward her. "You okay, baby?"

Jesse nodded again, this time a little more convincingly. "Yes, mama." She released her doll, leaned in and put her arms around her mother instead.

Wrapping her own arms around her daughter, Amanda hugged her. She screwed her eyes shut and held on, hoping to wordlessly convey her love to Jesse with the force of her embrace. "I know it's hard sometimes, bein' different," she murmured apologetically.

"'We can do hard things.' You tell me that," Jesse said, repeating words Amanda spoke to her often.

A small smile played at Amanda's mouth as she gave Jesse another squeeze. The statement was powerful in its simplicity - _we can do hard things._ Amanda wanted all of her children - but especially her daughters - to know that they were capable even in moments of frustration and fear. Right now Jesse's biggest struggles were school assignments and playground drama, but one day they would be more, and Amanda strove to raise a young woman who wouldn't be derailed even when life's burdens felt impossible to bear. She felt a pang of guilt at Jesse's confession that night, however, knowing that she played a role in that blip of sadness. "We can," Amanda agreed, then pulled back to eye her daughter's face. She winked as she finished her thought, "but it's okay to complain about the hard stuff, when it really stinks."

Jesse toyed with the long blonde tendrils of Amanda's hair. "Will you ask daddy to say 'night to me when he gets home?"

She tilted her head and challenged her, "doesn't he always?"

 **xxx**

In the quiet kitchen, Amanda pulled a package of Oreos from the cabinet and set them on the island, then twisted one cookie apart methodically. She could feel Frannie hovering at her feet curiously, her tail wagging against her calves as she waited to see if a scrap of her owner's snack would fall her way. As Amanda licked the cream out of the center of an Oreo and eyed the video baby monitor sitting on the counter, her phone buzzed in her back pocket. One hand fumbled for the device to see Sonny's name on the screen; she put it on speakerphone as to not hinder her cookie-eating. "Hey. Were your ears burnin'?" Amanda answered the call as she chewed, "Jesse was just... well, we can talk about what she said later-"

"Amanda, there's been a, I - there was an accident," Sonny's voice replied, sounding breathless and frantic on the other end of the speaker, "I hit, I couldn't stop-"

"What?" she exclaimed, caught totally off guard by his panicked disclosure. Her heart rose up into her throat as her fingers began to toy nervously with her lower lip. The Oreo in her mouth felt like cement. "Sonny, what happened? Are you okay?"

"Liv asked me to, to bring Jules Hunter to the hotel," he stammered. "At an intersection, some guy ran a stop sign and hit us and, and I tried to save her, I... I, it's bad, Amanda-"

"Where are you?" she demanded. She knew her voice sounded angry, but it was fear she felt. "I'm callin' back up and coming right now."

"Ah, the, uh, the... ah, Jesus, there's blood everywhere..." Sonny breathed shakily, his anxiety and discombobulation palpable. "The intersection of sixth, Thompson and Canal."

"I'm coming," Amanda promised him, "I'm coming now."

In a whirlwind, she made phone calls: first to Rachel, their next door neighbor, the mother of Jesse's friend Robbie. She immediately agreed to come over to stay with the three children, no questions asked, for as long as it took. Before she arrived, Amanda tried not to focus on the look of worry etched on her six-year-old's features as she fabricated some disjointed excuse about needing to return to the precinct; Jesse was much too smart to believe it. It only served to further exacerbate her guilt from earlier - did 'normal' parents have their kids enduring this sort of chaos?

Sonny was sitting on the back of ambulance by the time Amanda arrived on scene, his hunched shoulders draped with what she knew to be an itchy, standard-issue EMT blanket. His hair was disheveled, his face, hands and clothes covered in drying blood; he was missing his vest and his suit jacket. How had things changed so drastically - so terribly - in twenty-four hours? Everything was so blissfully normal the evening before, Amanda recalled. After dinner Sonny had taken Luca along to the barber with him and they had both returned home proudly displaying new haircuts. _The side of my head's fuzzy!_ Luca kept shouting excitedly as he ran around the house, rubbing around his own ears. Frannie had chased him in dizzying circles and the little boy's laughter had bubbled up bright and breathless until he hid behind Sonny's long legs in surrender...

"Sonny!" Amanda sprinted toward him before dropping onto the back of the ambulance beside him. She set a gloved hand on his back, partly to comfort him, partly to make sure he was really alive in front of her. "Oh my God... are you alright? What the hell happened?"

Eyes wide, he breathed shakily, "I'm okay, I'm okay." He swallowed hard as he confessed, "she's dead, 'Manda. It, it happened so fast. She was bleedin' so much, she just got totally..."

She tried not to focus on the blood on his face - was it his? Was it hers? - as she squeezed her husband's shoulder. "It's alright, Sonny," she tried to reassure him gently. "You did what you could. I know you did."

"He sped off. He's gone," he continued like he hadn't heard her. "The plates, I... Jersey. They're Jersey plates."

"Alright, that's good," she nodded encouragingly, switching into detective-mode because she knew it was necessary. Her free hand pulled her phone from her coat pocket. "You remember the number?"

Sonny's brow furrowed. "5G... 5GB88V."

Her thumb dialed dispatch before she pressed her phone to her ear, her other palm never leaving Sonny's back. "I'm gonna call it in." Her eyes flickered to the scene around them as she waited for the operator to pull up information about the plate: red and blue lights flashed bright in the dark while uniformed officers worked to keep the intersection cordoned off. Amanda hadn't yet approached the mangled vehicle or the body, but admittedly she wasn't eager to - she gladly allowed the first responders to take ownership of the accident scene. She didn't need to see Jules' lifeless form beneath the black CSI sheet - even if she was nauseatingly relieved that it wasn't Sonny in her place.

Amanda shoved her phone back in her pocket one she had the information she needed. "Stolen, three days ago," she told Sonny grimly.

"I tried to save her," he croaked.

"I know you did," she soothed. "I know."

"Carisi!" Liv's voice came across the street in a shout, and when Amanda looked up, she was sprinting over to them. She skidded to a halt at Sonny's side and set a hand on his shoulder, her brown eyes wide with in shock.

"I couldn't stop, no, I couldn't stop the car," Sonny babbled frantically, "I tried..."

"Take it easy..." Amanda implored him gently. She knew that he was always eager for Liv's approval and that having to explain something of this horrible magnitude to her was probably torturous.

"Okay, just calm down," Liv added.

"He just blew through the stop sign..." he concluded weakly.

Liv looked confused. "Who did?"

"He's in the wind," Amanda told her bitterly.

"Did you see him?" Liv asked Sonny.

"He had, uh, he had a baseball cap," he replied before stammering helplessly, "I tried, I tried to, ah... I couldn't stop... I couldn't stop the bleedin'."

Heavy silence fell over the three of them. Amanda's fingers curled against the itchy fabric of the blanket around Sonny's shoulders as she chewed the inside of her cheek, determined to keep her own composure. She lifted her eyes to meet Liv's; the lieutenant shifted her gaze, indicating wordlessly that she wanted to talk to her away from Sonny. She understood: this was their case, there was work to do.

"I called in the plates," Amanda told her as they walked toward the body that laid supine on the pavement. They stopped and hovered over Jules' shrouded form. "Stolen three days ago from Short Hills."

Liv crouched down and pulled at a corner of the tarp, revealing Jules' still and bloody features. Amanda winced as Liv gasped, "oh, dear God." Liv looked up at her as she breathed, "he's responsible."

Her brows knitted together. "Nick Hunter?

"Can you think of a better way to get sole custody of your daughter?" the lieutenant asked angrily.

An icy shiver ran down Amanda's spine at the thought. She cast a tentative glance back over her shoulder at Sonny, who was still huddled on the back of the ambulance. "I need to..."

"Go. Be with Carisi," Liv sighed as she stood upright again. She tossed Amanda a set of keys, which she easily caught. "Take the squad car, I'll be here for awhile."

"Thanks." She hurried back over to Sonny, who was now grimacing as he got to his feet. "Do you wanna go and get checked out?" Amanda asked him anxiously.

He shrugged off the blanket. "No, I'm fine. I'm okay," he insisted, which was somewhat difficult to believe spoken by a man covered in blood, surrounded by eager EMTs.

Amanda frowned. "Are you sure, Sonny?"

"I'm okay, Amanda," Sonny insisted, although his voice lacked any power.

She nodded, knowing better than to press him despite her lingering concern. "Liv gave me the squad car," she explained, holding up the keys. "Let's go home, huh?"

In the darkness of the squad car, Amanda navigated the familiar city streets back to their house in Astoria. Out of the corner of her eye, she watched Sonny, his head leaned against the glass of the passenger seat window, his tired gaze focused out the windshield.

"I don't want the kids seein' me like this," Sonny eventually said, breaking the silence ten minutes into the drive.

She nodded. "They should all be asleep by now. Rachel's with them."

They drove the rest of the way home without speaking. Rachel was reading at the kitchen island when they walked through the front door; she nearly fell off of her stool when she saw the state Sonny was in. She knew better than to try to engage them in a big conversation so late at night after such an ordeal, but when Sonny headed upstairs, Amanda told her what had happened - mostly because she didn't want her neighbor thinking her husband often came home covered in blood. After thanking Rachel profusely for the favor, Amanda went up to the second floor to find Sonny.

She nudged open the bedroom door. Sonny stood in the center of the room, pulling at his tie. He began to gingerly undo the buttons of his shirt so he could take a shower, shaking off the bloody fabric until it was balled up in his soiled hands. He cast a glance around the space, unsure of where to put it.

"I'll put this stuff in the wash," Amanda suggested quickly, reaching out to him.

He shook his head, grimacing as if the mere thought of preserving the clothing was too much to bear. "Just toss it. Throw it all away."

Taking the shirt and tie from him, Amanda nodded slowly. "Okay."

Amanda looked down at the bloodied garments in her hands: both were from Sonny's beloved tailor in Staten Island. For a moment she contemplated throwing them in the washer anyway, but knowing Sonny, even clean they would stay shoved at the back of the closet forever now that they were associated with such a terrible night. So instead she went back downstairs into the kitchen, found a trash bag, stuffed them inside and tossed them into the garbage outside of their house.

She scrubbed her palms with scalding hot water and soap at the kitchen sink, taking care to work suds beneath her fingernails and to wash up her wrists and forearms. Then she looked around the kitchen and the living room: they were both a mess. Sometimes she felt like a bad mother because more often than not, she didn't feel compelled to organize things. The house was always clean, but in a chaotic kind of way. That night she was fueled by an anxious kind of energy, so she harnessed it and moved around the spaces, tidying it all up. When everything was in its rightful spot, Amanda found herself sighing in front of the liquor cabinet. She grabbed a fresh bottle of whiskey and cracked open the top before she poured the amber liquid into two ice-filled glasses.

Alone at the counter, she took a sip of her own drink as she allowed her mind to slow down. The upstairs shower had stopped running awhile ago; she had heard the water go off while collecting Luca's Legos up from off of the living room floor. She didn't want to hover over Sonny and overwhelm him further, but she was worried by how rattled he appeared. Sonny was undoubtedly resilient and strong, but he also possessed a special kind of sensitivity that meant he experienced situations more intensely than most. Sometimes Amanda feared that horrible incidents like these would eventually chip away at his desire to stay with NYPD. Despite not practicing, Sonny kept his attorney's registration current - he renewed it every two years - and sometimes Amanda wondered if he was quietly keeping that option open for a reason.

Looking up at the clock in the kitchen, she realized she had been downstairs for an hour. With a glass in each hand and Frannie at her feet, Amanda made her way quietly up the stairs to the second floor. As she walked down the hallway, she heard Sonny's voice coming from Luca's room and she paused outside the ajar door to listen to the conversation between father and son.

"...was just a bad dream. It wasn't real," Sonny promised gently, "there's nothing under your bed."

"You have bad dreams?" Luca's timid voice wondered.

"Every once in awhile, yeah," Sonny sighed.

"Mama?" the little boy tried.

Amanda smiled to herself.

"She does, too," Sonny told him.

"Do you get scared?" Luca mumbled.

"Everybody gets scared sometimes, buddy."

"Even if you're big and strong?"

"Even if you're big and strong," Sonny assured him. "Why don't you try and close your eyes? I'll sit here for a few more minutes, make sure that monster knows to keep outta here."

Silently, Amanda slipped down the hallway and into her own bedroom. She set down the drinks she had made on their bureau so she could get changed; her tired body was grateful once she was in old college sweatpants and one of Sonny's threadbare St. John's t-shirts. She tied her blonde hair up into a sloppy knot at the top of her head seconds before the door creaked open.

"Luca's absolutely convinced something lives under his bed," Sonny grumbled, appearing weary as he shut the door behind himself and dragged himself further into the room. "Ever since Jesse played hide n' seek with him and hid under there and grabbed his legs when he came lookin' for her..."

"If he's not anxious about one thing, it's something else..." Amanda murmured, shaking her head in dismay. She picked up the tumbler filled with whiskey from the dresser and held it out to him. "Here. I made it a double." Her gaze flickered to Sonny's hands, which were visibly trembling as he reached for the glass. Frowning, she took a step closer to him. "Sonny... baby, it's alright," she consoled him softly, fingers curling around his wrist in an attempt to steady him. "You're alright."

Sonny's Adam's apple bobbed in his throat as he swallowed. He shut his eyes and shook his head, as if he was trying to clear it, then opened his eyes to look at her again. "Ruby. Ruby Hunter," he whispered, sinking down onto the edge of their bed. He took a long, slow drink of his whiskey, wincing at the burn - or maybe at what was on his mind. "I just kept thinkin', 'I can't allow this kid to be left with, with her, her piece a shit father..." he continued huskily, slowly, "'she needs her mother... her mother needs her...' and now..." He peered up at Amanda solemnly as he trailed off.

Amanda felt his sadness like it was her own; her heart felt like it was being torn from her chest. Abandoning her whiskey, she scurried over to him and sunk down beside him. She reached an arm around him and rubbed a few slow circles between his shoulder blades and set her other hand atop his thigh. "C'mere. I know, I know," she whispered, "you did everything you could."

"What if I didn't, though?" Sonny challenged her miserably, head hung. "I'm not an EMT, I'm not... I only had my jacket-"

"Sonny, that other SUV was on a mission," Amanda interrupted. "Jules... she didn't stand a chance." She squeezed his leg as she added, "you're lucky you weren't killed, too." Her voice caught her throat at the end of her sentence and the quiver of obvious emotion took her by surprise. It was as if she had only just allowed herself to realize how close she had come to losing him.

He was silent for a minute, his gaze focused intently on their bedroom carpet. "I just keep seein' her face," he eventually admitted softly. "She was alive when I got to her, 'Manda. Her eyes were open, she held onto me for a minute..." He turned his head and met her eyes as he asked gloomily, "how am I supposed to live with this?"

She searched Sonny's weary features and saw how hopeless he looked. She felt a lump rise in her throat again as she frowned. While she was sick with the idea that it was likely mere centimeters that saved Sonny from his own death, he felt guilty that he had survived. "What's the alternative?" she whispered meekly.

He nodded slowly as he replied bitterly, "'it is what it is,' right?"

Amanda winced at his cynicism; she hated when it so closely resembled her own.

 **xxx**

September sunlight came streaming through gauzy curtains covering their bedroom windows. Amanda scrunched up her features and blinked her eyes in response to the intrusion before her surroundings slid into focus: laying on her side in bed, she could see Sonny on his back beside her. His chest was rising and falling slowly with the ease of sleep, one arm flung over his eyes, the other outstretched lazily to fill the space between them. The gold of his wedding band glinted in the warm light he was bathed in. With her cheek resting on her upper arm, Amanda watched him for a moment, then couldn't resist the urge to reach out her other hand and set it atop his. She expected Sonny to jerk awake at the sensation, but instead his palm shifted upwards and his fingers curled around hers in response. His other arm fell away from his face and he turned his head to look over at her. A lazy smile formed on his lips; it was a relief for Amanda to see.

Sonny rolled over toward her, then shifted on top of her, all warm weight and long limbs as he supported his weight on his forearms on either side of her head. With his unruly hair falling in front of his bleary gaze, he dipped his lips down to kiss her forehead, then each of her closed eyelids. She smiled at the sweetness of the gesture as she felt another kiss land on the tip of her nose. She settled her hands against each of his biceps, her thumbs grazing slowly back and forth over the curve of the muscles there. She tilted her chin upward so their lips could meet before she murmured, "Sonny?"

He swept a warm palm against her forehead, moving her undoubtedly messy bangs away from her eyes. "Hm?" he yawned.

Amanda's eyes searched his face, her thumbs pausing their movement. "Are you... are you gonna be okay?" she asked him timidly. Even though she had only just woken up, the events of the night before came flooding back to Amanda immediately.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna be okay," Sonny told her quietly, nodding. After a moment of contemplative silence, he smiled down at her. "Every mornin' when I open my eyes, no matter what's happened the day before, I'm thankful you're next to me."

She couldn't help the little grin that pulled at her mouth. Weaving her arms between them, she cupped his face with her hands, the stubble along his jaw rough against her palms. "I'm always gonna be next to you," Amanda promised him, blue eyes intently focused on Sonny's.

His smile melted into a sleepy smirk. "Or under me..." His lips grazed hers again. "Or on top of me..."

"If you're lucky," she mumbled coquettishly.

Sonny relaxed his weight on top of hers, his cheek resting on Amanda's chest. One of his palms slid beneath the fabric of her shirt, lazily soothing up and down the warm skin of her side. She tangled a set of fingers in the hair at the base of his skull, her other arm stretched leisurely over her head, enjoying the way his fingertips felt against the expanse of her rib cage. For a few minutes, neither of them said anything; they simply laid there as one quiet, contemplative unit.

"I think you should take a few days off," Amanda finally suggested.

Sonny grunted.

"Really."

"Okay."

"Audrey'll be here at seven today," she reminded him. "You could get up then go back to bed."

"Maybe... maybe text her and tell her to stay home," he said. "I'll spend the day with the kids."

Amanda tilted her head in an attempt to look at Sonny's face. "You wanna?"

He nodded against her chest. "I think it'll help."

* * *

The kitchen table was covered in old newspaper, protecting the surface from five pumpkins of varying sizes. They hadn't yet been carved - first, Jesse, Luca and Amanda each had to draw their own design. Sonny was supervising - quick to let anybody know if he thought what they were sketching would actually be carve-able - and Ruby was perched in her high chair with extra-large crayons to scribble with so she wouldn't feel too left out.

"What's yours, Lu?" Sonny wondered, peering over his son's shoulder.

"A spider," Luca replied, on his knees in his seat, his tongue between his teeth as he concentrated on his drawing. A marker was squeezed inside of his small, balled-up fist as he worked. "How's it light up?"

"We're gonna cut out the design and put a candle inside," Sonny explained.

Luca doodled another leg on his spider. "Oh."

"Are you making a dog, mama?" Jesse asked Amanda.

Amanda dragged her Sharpie along the tough orange skin of her small pumpkin; she hadn't expected to become so enthusiastic about her design, but now she was planning on taking the knife away from Sonny once it was her turn so she could have complete control of the end result. "Uh huh."

"I'm just makin' a pumpkin face," Jesse told her proudly.

She looked over at her oldest daughter and raised her eyebrows, impressed by how well Jesse was able to draw on such a difficult surface. "It looks really good," Amanda praised her. "Will you make one for Ruby, too?"

Jesse nodded excitedly. "Okay!"

"Somebody's textin' you, babe," Sonny announced.

Amanda focused on her dog's tail, her eyes narrowing as she tried to make sure all of her lines connected perfectly. "Mm. My boyfriend?"

He snorted. "No such luck. It's Mia."

Heaving a dramatic sigh, she looked over at Sonny curiously. "What's it say?"

Leaning back against the island, he read from her phone: "she asked what we were up to and if it's okay if she stops by after work."

"Tell her 'sure.'" She shrugged and returned to her pumpkin.

He set her phone back down on the counter and quirked an eyebrow. "Wonder what it's about."

"Maybe she just wants to hang out," she suggested. "I don't think she's got many friends left at this point."

"She can have your pumpkin, dad! You're a bad draw-er," Jesse offered.

"Gee, thanks, Jesse," Sonny grumbled.

Amanda snickered as she capped her marker, satisfied with her work.

Jesse and Luca quickly lost interest in pumpkin carving when they discovered that neither of them were allowed to use a knife or matches. It made the process go fairly quickly: Amanda and Sonny could efficiently scoop out all of the pulp and seeds, hack away at the designs and light them up without little hands in the way. Soon the kitchen counter was glowing orange - none of the carvings were particularly recognizable given the family's poor artistic ability, but they were all enthusiastic about the display anyway. By the time Mia arrived after her shift at work, Luca and Jesse were content to draw more Halloween-themed pictures at the kitchen table by the light of their jack-o-lanterns.

"You look great," Amanda told Mia cheerfully, although if she were to be entirely honest, lately she couldn't help but notice that Mia had stopped putting much effort into her appearance. Usually the type of girl who had her hair done and clothes neat, since getting pregnant, she hid her body beneath big t-shirts and hoodies and almost always had her hair in a ponytail. Amanda couldn't figure out if it was because she didn't know what to do with her transformed body or if it was because she was depressed. No matter what, she wanted to support Mia; in a lot of ways she understood what she felt like.

Sonny adjusted Ruby on his lap as they all sat in the living room. The baby mouthed sloppily at one of the strings of his hoodie. "What's new?" he asked his niece.

"Um, I just. I've been thinkin'..." Mia began, shifting in her seat and tucking a few strands of stray brown hair behind her ears.

He leaned back into the cushions of the couch beside Amanda. "Okay..."

Mia appeared to pull in a deep breath, then exhaled her hurried statement: "I decided I'm putting the baby up for adoption."

Amanda's blue eyes widened. "That's a big decision-"

"And I want you guys to have him," Mia blurted.

Amanda felt all of the air leave her lungs; her mouth fell open in shock. Her heart began to pound with nervous excitement.

"Uh, what?" Sonny responded stupidly, sounding as dumbfounded as she felt as he scrabbled to sit up straight again.

"I know you guys are great parents," Mia explained timidly. "I've seen you with your kids and I wanna... I wanna see this baby have a good life. So.. I want you to have him. I don't want him to be with strangers."

"I, uh, Mia," Sonny stammered. He cast a nervous, sideways glance at Amanda. "I mean, me and Amanda, we gotta talk about this..."'

Mia nodded. "Okay-"

" _Mama!_ " Jesse shrieked from the adjacent kitchen, whirling around in her seat at the table. "Luca won't give me back my marker!"

"All of the markers are the same, Jesse," Amanda managed to temporarily find her voice.

"No! That one was, was mine!" Jesse moaned. "Tell him to give it back!"

"Nuh uh," Luca whined, "it's my mark-"

"Hey, both of you, cut it out, will ya? It's a damn marker," Sonny ordered. "Some kids don't have food. How about that?" he added, unable to resist sprinkling in a bit of the Catholic Guilt he was raised with.

"See, I can't do all this," Mia admitted softly. "I can't, I can't raise a kid to be a... good human being."

"Mia, do you understand what this all would mean?" Sonny asked carefully. "I mean, we're family. This baby would be... around you all the time."

Mia nodded solemnly. "I know."

"Mamamama," Ruby babbled from Sonny's lap, reaching out for Amanda.

"Did you talk to your mother about this?" Sonny wondered quietly as he handed the baby over to Amanda.

"Yeah. She wanted me to talk to you guys, before we all talked about it together," she told her uncle. She looked over at Amanda. "Amanda, I know how my mom reacted when I first told her I was pregnant and I want you to know she's in support of this idea."

A wave of fresh embarrassment washed over Amanda, remembering that judgmental sneer on Teresa's face months ago. Avoiding Mia's eyes, she busied her hands adjusting Ruby's shirt. _I'm a good mother,_ she thought indignantly, _I could love this baby. This baby could love me. I knew I was supposed to have four children. I knew I was supposed to have another son. I knew-_

"You do realize that this is like... a really big deal? This is a baby we're talkin' about. A kid. A person," Sonny reminded his niece gently. "This is a huge decision."

"I know I'm asking a lot of you guys," Mia admitted.

Amanda glanced over at Sonny to find that he was staring at her. He seemed like he was desperate for her to say something, but she couldn't seem to get any words past her tongue. She ignored her racing heart, the butterflies in her stomach, not wanting to feel the crushing weight of inevitable disappointment. She sunk her teeth into her lower lip and offered him a small shrug. "We'll have to talk about it."


	50. Chapter 50

_lights that used to blind us / somehow they will guide us through the night_

* * *

In the hours after Mia left, Amanda couldn't stop thinking about her baby. She and Sonny were immediately distracted by a screaming match between Luca and Jesse over markers and personal space, then Ruby needed to be fed and put to sleep, but Amanda's mind kept wandering despite it all. She had always wrestled with the idea of fate - sometimes she thought the 'everything happens for a reason' thing was a sugarcoated cop-out for people who couldn't come to terms with the fact that sometimes crappy things just _happened_ \- but maybe for once she could put her cynicism aside. Maybe, this was the universe arranging things _just so_ for the two of them. In the end how it came to be was irrelevant, as long as the distinct yearning in Amanda's heart was satisfied.

"You look just like your daddy when you smile like that," Amanda murmured to Ruby, who was sleepily grinning up at her mother from her changing table with the type of smile that crinkled the corners of her blue eyes. Warm and clean from her bath, she allowed Amanda to guide her limbs into her onesie, covered in little pink stars, without a fight. "Maybe tonight you can sleep in your own bed for more than four hours," she suggested as she scooped Ruby up into her arms. She kissed the side of her youngest daughter's head and gave her a gentle squeeze, closing her eyes as she held her little body close. "I love you so much," she whispered into the baby's fine brown hair before she set Ruby down in her crib. She turned on the soft glow of her mobile overhead, flicked off the light and slipped out of the room.

As she began to walk down the stairs, the cat galloped in the opposite direction just as Amanda heard Sonny say from the kitchen, "Luca, I swear, you pull the cat's tail again I'm puttin' you outside, not Fluffy. Y'hear me?"

"Noooo..." Luca whined, dramatically scampering into the kitchen from the living room. "We just playin'..."

"How would you like it if somebody followed you around, yankin' at your arm all the time, huh?" Sonny challenged him, waggling his eyebrows at his son.

Luca flailed his toddler limbs before flinging himself against his mother once she reached the kitchen, burying his face against her hip. "Mama..."

Amanda smoothed a hand over his blonde head and simpered with a little smirk, "yes, baby?" Sometimes she got a secret, competitive thrill when one of their children ran to her when Sonny disciplined them over something petty.

"Oh, no. Don't 'yes, baby' him after terrorizin' an innocent animal," Sonny scoffed with a chuckle.

"An 'innocent animal,' huh?" Amanda laughed. "Remember when you wanted to euthanize Fluffy on Christmas?"

He cleared his throat and shifted uncomfortably in his spot. "I don't recall that conversation."

"Mm." She peered down at her son and gave him a knowing look. "You really shouldn't do that to the cat, Luca."

Luca pouted. "Sorry," he mumbled into her thigh, then begrudgingly looked over at Sonny and added, "sorry, daddy."

A little smile flickered across Sonny's features. "S'okay, buddy."

"Can I stay inside?" Luca asked, genuinely nervous about his father's teasing threat.

Sonny grinned and made a show of appearing contemplative. "Hmm, whaddya think, mama? Can he stay?"

"I guess so, he's gotten too big for the cat door now..." Amanda sighed dramatically.

Luca giggled and shook his head against his mother's leg. "I can't fit through there!"

"You're gonna need a serious bath to get all this marker off of you," she told the little boy as she eyed the scribbles up and down his arms. "So you-"

"Noooo!" he cried in protest, bolting away from her at the mere mention of a bath and scurrying back into the living room to fling himself against the sofa.

Rolling her eyes, Amanda dropped onto a stool at the island. She rested her elbow on the counter top and her palm in her chin, blue eyes watching the warm glow of flickering candles inside all of the little pumpkins they had carved, now lined up by the refrigerator. Later, they would set them on the stoop by the front door and hope - like every New York City family at Halloween - that no neighborhood kids would smash them for amusement in the middle of the night. Lifting her gaze, Amanda saw Sonny leaned against the opposite counter, arms crossed loosely over his chest, studying her. She knew exactly what he was thinking about. "So..."

Sonny nodded slowly. "So."

Suddenly shy, Amanda lifted her chin from her palm but dropped her gaze. She picked off some of the chipping taupe polish from her thumb nail. "What Mia asked earlier..."

"You didn't say much," Sonny noticed.

"Yeah," she admitted sheepishly.

"I saw the look on your face," he continued.

Amanda looked back up at him and automatically scowled. "There was no _look_ on my face," she insisted - a total lie.

A small smile toyed at his mouth as he raised his eyebrows in skepticism. "Yeah, there was."

"What kind of look, Detective?" she challenged him with a roll of her eyes.

"Like... a hopeful one," Sonny responded gently.

She felt heat rise in her cheeks. "Okay," she grumbled in defeat. She gnawed at the skin around her nail as she peered up at Sonny through her bangs meekly. "So what if it was?"

He shrugged. "So, that's alright."

She dropped her hand from her mouth. "I think about it sometimes."

Amanda expected him to smile, but instead, Sonny heaved a sigh. The twinge of disappointment she had preemptively felt hours ago surfaced once more - but this time it seemed to be rooted in evidence. "What, Sonny?" she pressed him anxiously.

"No, I get it," he insisted quickly, "you know that I'd have ten kids. But..."

"But?"

He walked closer to her until the corner of the island was between them. He lowered his voice as he explained, "but we're stretched thin as it is. With another baby one of us is gonna have to work less or Audrey is gonna have to work more. Either way we're gonna end up spendin' more and probably not makin' more money."

"I'll cut my hours," Amanda suggested eagerly. "I'll stay home more."

Sonny offered her a wry smile. "You say that now, 'Manda, but after two weeks of maternity leave you always end up rippin' your hair out and calling the precinct six times a day." His grin flickered, then faded from his face completely. "And it doesn't fix the money issue."

"This'll be different!" she promised energetically, reaching over to grab at his wrist. She squeezed it in emphasis and met his eyes, her own big and hopeful; she was suddenly desperate to make him feel the flurry of butterflies she had experienced when Mia had first offered them the opportunity to adopt her child. "This'll be a real change. A permanent one." Another squeeze. "And the money, we can do it. We can figure it out. Look at this house! We made this house work. We went from having Jesse sleeping in a glorified closet and Luca in the living room to buying a real house."

Sonny looked down at her hand around his wrist and nodded slowly, but he hardly seemed convinced.

She felt defeated and disconcerted by his lack of enthusiasm. She slumped back in her chair and crossed her arms tightly over her chest, her brows knitted tightly together in frustration. "I hate when we have conversations where you make me feel like I'm a little kid askin' their old man for a puppy," Amanda huffed.

Lifting his eyes, Sonny frowned. "You always react this way when I'm givin' you facts you don't like," he retorted. "I'm just bein' logical and you're takin' it personally."

"It _is_ personal, Sonny!" she exclaimed, then cast a cautious look over her shoulder into the living room. Luca was in a trance on the couch watching television, while Jesse was still coloring - just at the coffee table now instead of in the kitchen. Thankfully, neither of them seemed interested in their parents' conversation.

His eyes widened as if he was genuinely surprised by her reaction. "Okay, you wanna get personal?" he replied, his voice low and level although she could sense he was about to say something she definitely would not appreciate. "What's personal is the 2011 Cubs-Braves game you're - _we're_ \- still payin' a debt on. And the 2012 Knicks-Miami game."

Amanda stiffened as a hot rush of embarrassment washed over her. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew the remnants of her gambling addiction still haunted them, but she actively avoided thinking about it. She was lucky that Sonny was so good with keeping their finances organized; with their combined income he took ownership of every bill they had. "I thought those were almost paid off..."

"With interest it's twenty-two thousand dollars worth of debt, Amanda. I'm sorry, but your accountant's doin' the best he can here," he remarked dryly, the sarcasm in his voice tinged with a hint of what she was sure was resentment.

"I didn't mean it like that," she insisted quickly, cringing at her own words. She hadn't intended to imply that it was his job to fix the problems she created - and that he wasn't doing it competently. "You're just so good with managing money..."

"Yeah, well, I can't make it appear outta no where," Sonny grumbled.

Dropping her gaze, Amanda stared intently at the surface of the island. They stood in silence for several minutes, the only sound Luca's television show in the adjoining living room. It was obvious neither of them knew what to say next. Eventually Sonny moved away from her: out of the corner of her eye she saw him drift to the opposite end of the kitchen to rifle through some mail. Amanda supposed that was an indicator that the conversation was officially dead. She could feel a distinct tightness creeping into her throat every second she sat alone at the counter; she was becoming overwhelmed with both shame and the letdown she had thought she had prepared herself for. With an exhale, she slid off of the stool and wordlessly walked upstairs.

Amanda closed herself in their bedroom. She wasn't angry at Sonny - although she did despise the fact that he was right - she just she didn't want to get visibly emotional with Jesse and Luca so near by. Hot tears stung her eyes the second the door closed and, now alone, she allowed them to fall in privacy. She sunk down on the edge of the bed and stared blankly out the window; the houses in Astoria were so close together she could practically see inside her neighbor's bedroom. A hand drifted back to her mouth, fingers tugging at her lower lip, her thumb nail digging into the flesh there in hopes of distracting herself with the sting. It had been awhile since her guilt around her gambling had bubbled up to the surface, but it burned just as hot as ever, as if it had only been festering inside of her, waiting for the right moment to reemerge.

She wasn't sure how long she sat there alone with her own thoughts, but eventually she heard the door creak open. She didn't turn around; Amanda was well-acquainted with Sonny's footsteps.

"Hey, 'Manda, look. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have... I didn't mean to say what I said, how I said it," Sonny apologized, his voice tight with worry as he hurried to her side. He sat down next to her on the edge of the bed. "I'm really sorry."

"No, you're right. You're stating facts," Amanda told him wetly, brushing tears away from her eyes with her knuckles, "and if you resent me a little for havin' to deal with the mess I've made all these years later, I don't blame you." She shrugged her slumped shoulders as she admitted, "I mean, hell, _I_ resent me." Resting her elbows on her knees, she put her face in her hands. Her fingers gripped the roots of her blonde hair before smoothing it all back over her head. "Sometimes I feel like... for my entire life, these mistakes I've made are gonna follow me around and punish me forever. Not just me, but you, the kids," she whispered, "and I... to think that gambling could take this from me too, I..."

"Amanda..." Sonny pressed up closer against her side, his arm encircling her back. "Maybe I, maybe I got a little ahead of myself, okay?" he continued gently, "we should look at everything - our budget, our schedules - and see if it's doable. I just... I worry about makin' sure all of us are taken care of," he admitted. "I want all of us to have a good life and I want us to be part of it - not just passin' our kids off to whoever while we work our asses off ninety hours a week."

She nodded into her hands. "I know."

"But... c'mon, talk to me," Sonny urged her softly, his arm squeezing her.

Amanda sniffled. Slowly, she sat up straight again, wiping at her eyes. "I'm so thankful for Ruby. This isn't about her not bein' enough. Or any of the kids not bein' enough. But, but ever since we lost... the other baby I just, I've had this feeling like something is missing," she admitted quietly, "like we were _supposed_ to have another kid, four kids. I know you think I'm crazy for-"

"I don't think you're crazy, Amanda," Sonny interrupted. "I've always trusted your instincts. As a cop, as a friend and as a mother." He heaved a sigh. "I've thought about what it'd be like to have another kid. You know I've always wanted a big family. After what happened with Ruby, though-"

She shut her eyes and shook her head, not wanting him to get into the details of the traumatic birth of their last child. "I know."

With his other hand, he reached over and gently brushed strands of hair away from Amanda's face, tucking them behind her ear. He tilted his head to look at her. "But, alright, maybe it was meant to happen this way instead."

She peered over at him tentatively and searched his eyes: his expression had softened significantly. "I don't care where a baby comes from. In this situation, he's innocent in it all, just like Mia is," Amanda whispered. "I meant what I said earlier, Sonny. I know it'll be a change but if Liv lets me, I'll tell her I wanna work more normal hours. Luca'll be in preschool, Jesse's gonna be in the first grade, then it'll just be Ruby and this baby at home. I'm ready to do that. I _want_ to do that."

A small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. "I gotta be honest, I can't believe I'm hearin' you say this."

"I don't know what's changed, Sonny," she admitted. "I love my job. I don't wanna give it up, but I wanna see our kids grow up, too. Maybe that's selfish, because I put us in this crappy financial position in the first place, but..." She shrugged. "But when Mia came over, and she said that she wanted us to have him, it was like... something clicked. It just felt right." She chewed her bottom lip before admitting meekly, "and I wanted you to feel it, too."

Sonny nodded slowly, his gaze drifting around the room thoughtfully. After a moment of quiet, he said, "Mia's my niece. She's family. I don't want this kid - family - goin' into foster care. Not if there's a way you and me can give him a good life here." He glanced over at Amanda with that smile - the one that crinkled the corners of his kind blue eyes. "I'd be proud to raise four kids with you, just like my parents did with me and my sisters." He set his hand on her leg, his thumb grazing over her kneecap. "My thing was, with how sick you got, I wasn't willin' to lose you in the process. You're right: we _are_ lucky to have Ruby, but we're lucky to have you, too."

Holding his gaze, Amanda nodded.

"I want this to work, Amanda," he went on earnestly, "I just don't want to do this impulsively, that's all I was sayin'."

She rubbed sheepishly at her nose with a knuckle before frowning. "The money. I know I can't fix the money."

"It's not about fixin' anything," Sonny told her, "we've just gotta readjust."

* * *

On a brisk Thursday evening, Amanda scurried alongside Sonny as they walked down the sidewalk toward Teresa's Staten Island home. She tugged her gray beanie over her ears to shield them from the biting cold; she couldn't believe how harsh the October weather was.

"If the weather's like this for trick-or-treating next week, I'm stayin' home," she huffed, her breath leaving her mouth in clouds.

"If you think I'm wrestlin' Ruby into that bumble bee costume by myself, you've got another thing comin'," Sonny grumbled, hunched over in his own jacket with his hands shoved in his pockets.

"Hm. That is a pretty cute costume," Amanda recalled. "I don't want you taking all the credit for it with the neighbors." As Teresa's house grew nearer, the knot in her stomach coiled tighter. She went to bite her thumb nail, but remembered her hands were covered by her leather gloves. She cast a glance over at Sonny. "I'm nervous."

Looking over at Amanda, he gave her a little nod. "I am, too."

Thankfully, it only took a few seconds for Teresa to retrieve them from her doorstep. She eagerly pulled them inside of her warm home, grabbing at their coats and hats in the process. "Come in, come in," she urged them. "Thanks for comin' over, guys." She led them directly into the formal dining room, where Mia and an unfamiliar man sat at the large mahogany table.

Mia stood up immediately to greet them. "Hi, Uncle Sonny, 'Manda." She hugged them both tightly, her big belly between them - but covered beneath several layers of clothing.

"This is Brady Clark, the family lawyer I was tellin' you about," Teresa introduced the unfamiliar man, who got up and strode across the room to be introduced.

"Oh, yeah, hi. Dominick Carisi, call me Sonny," Sonny said, shaking Brady's hand warmly before gesturing to Amanda. "This is my wife, Amanda."

Amanda smiled before holding out her own hand for Brady to take. "Hi, nice to meet you."

"Shall we get to it?" Brady asked lightly as he returned to his seat. "Your sister told me a little about you both..."

"I'm not sure if that's good or bad," Sonny chuckled as he sat down.

Amanda took a seat next to him, across from Teresa and Mia, with Brady at the head of the huge table. Above them hung a delicate chandelier, the little beaded details jingling every time anyone made even the slightest movement. Amanda realized she was holding her breath; the gathering felt uncomfortably formal, although everything at Teresa's house did, given her extravagant taste in furniture. It always made her wonder just how much her ex-husband Tony sent her in alimony.

"No, no, all good things," Brady insisted with a smile. He began to rifle through his leather folio, peering over a document they couldn't see. "Both NYPD... two, no - three kids, right?"

Sonny nodded. "Right."

"How old?" the lawyer wondered.

"Jesse's six, gonna be seven," Amanda answered, "Luca's three. Ruby will be one in January."

"Are all your children biological or have you been through this process before?"

"Yes - well, kind of."

"Jesse, she isn't biologically mine but I adopted her a few years ago," Sonny interjected.

"Her father has never really been in the picture," Amanda added awkwardly. "It's, uh, a long story."

Brady nodded in apparent understanding, reshuffled his paperwork, then looked around the table. "So, where are we at in this process?"

For an agonizing moment, nobody said anything; eyes shifted nervously around the table in silence. Finally, Sonny glanced over at Amanda, and she saw him pull in air as he prepared to speak. Her heartbeat began to quicken.

"Ah, well... Amanda and I have been talkin' about this for the past week or so..." he began slowly, carefully. His gaze flickered over to Amanda, then back to the group. "We wanna move forward with the adoption."

Beneath the table, Amanda squeezed Sonny's knee; he set his palm atop hers and threaded their fingers together. She looked across at Mia, who was wearing a fragile smile. She tried to read what was behind the younger woman's big brown eyes, but selfishly she didn't really want to see anything but enthusiasm there, even if it was somewhat forced. This had to be difficult for Mia - maybe one of the hardest things she had ever done - but her tragedy was Amanda's miracle.

Teresa looked immensely relieved. "I think that's the best choice for... everybody involved," she exhaled, as if she had been holding in that particular breath the entire night.

Mia nodded in agreement. "I'm glad." She looked between Sonny and Amanda with a small smile. "I was really hoping you'd wanna do it."

"Alright then," Brady grinned. "Given that you're family, this would be an open adoption, meaning the biological mother - that's you, Mia - would have contact and interaction with the adoptive parents - Sonny and Amanda - unless you plan to never see each other ever again."

"I - no. Like you said, we're family. We'd see each other all the time," Mia said hurriedly, "the baby just, he wouldn't be mine."

Amanda shifted in her chair, words forming on the tip of her tongue. She flipped the palm beneath the table upward, keeping her fingers anchored with Sonny's as she eventually suggested awkwardly, "in the interest of not keepin' secrets, Mia, if you want... I think once he's old enough to understand, it'd be important to explain to him who you are to him. If you want."

The younger woman nodded. "I'd like that."

"That's often part of an open adoption, yes, especially in these sorts of circumstances," Brady agreed. He looked over at Mia, "you'd sign the agreement upon the birth of the baby. Mia, you'd fill out one birth certificate - you can give the baby a name, but Sonny and Amanda will have the right to change it."

Mia shook her head. "No, I want them to name him."

"Okay. After you fill out a birth certificate, it'll be sealed, and another will be created upon adoption of the baby for Sonny and Amanda," the lawyer went on, "in New York, the biological parent has forty-five days to change their mind and reverse the adoption. After that, it's permanent."

Everybody nodded in understanding.

Brady glanced down at his paperwork and furrowed his brow. "The baby's father-"

"-is a scumbag who's exactly where he belongs," Sonny brusquely completed his sentence.

"I'm assuming he is unaware of this turn of events?" Brady asked Mia coolly.

Mia nodded; in that moment she looked especially young despite her condition.

"That's fine. It's irrelevant," the lawyer assured her, "as a convicted rapist, his parental rights would be terminated if he ever tried to pursue anything."

Amanda shifted in her seat again, feeling a combination of excited and anxious. "Mia, I just wanna be really sure that you're okay with this," she blurted, completely ignoring the current topic of conversation in favor of what was worrying her. "That this a decision you'll be okay with two months from now, when the baby is born."

All eyes shifted their focus to Amanda, but she was only looking at Mia.

"I know that I'm making the right choice," Mia assured her, glancing between Amanda and Sonny. "You both can give him a better life than I can. I can't, not like this." She looked over at her mother as she continued, "mom and I talked about me going back to school and stuff. I know that this isn't the way... any of this is supposed to happen." Turning back to Amanda and Sonny, Mia concluded with a wan smile, "you guys have been there for me, so I know you'll be there for him."

Meeting Mia's eyes again, Amanda nodded, satisfied with her reply. Beneath the table, Sonny squeezed her hand.

* * *

Amanda's fingers flew over the keys of her laptop at seven-thirty in the morning. She was finishing an overnight shift; Fin and Sonny had just arrived at SVU to begin theirs. The night had been busy and she was exhausted, but despite her bleary eyes and strong desire to put her head on her desk, she was determined to finish her reports before she left the precinct.

"I figured you'd be leavin' by now," Sonny remarked cheerfully as he perched himself on the edge of his desk with his coffee.

"Uh huh," she grunted without looking up. "Please tell me everybody is in school or sleepin' or doin' whatever it is their supposed to be doin' at home."

"Yeah, yeah, everybody's fine," he assured her.

"Rollins?" Liv's voice cut through the squad room suddenly.

Amanda's head jerked upward to see the lieutenant standing outside of her office door, a piece of paper in her hands and her glasses at the end of her nose. "My office," Liv completed her request.

Simultaneously, Fin - who had only just sat down at his desk - and Sonny cast her a look that asked wordlessly: _what did you do now?_

With a low groan, Amanda hauled herself up from her seat and obediently followed Liv into her office. She shut the door behind herself in anticipation; she didn't know what Liv was about to bring up. She slid her hands into the back pockets of her pants as she began rock back and forth on the heels of her boots. "Yeah, Liv?"

Liv brandished the piece of paper she had been holding and raised an eyebrow. "Why is there a request for six weeks of maternity leave starting at the end of December with your name on it on my desk?" Her gaze trailed the length of Amanda's unchanged body. "If you're seven months pregnant, you're doing a hell of a job hiding it."

She felt simultaneously relieved and nervous. "No, I'm not."

"So, this is just a One PP clerical error?" Liv concluded, tossing the request onto her desk.

Amanda shook her head. "Not that, either."

The lieutenant looked at her expectantly.

She pulled in a deep breath. "I didn't wanna say anything till we met with the lawyer, but..." she admitted before blurting, "Sonny and I are gonna adopt Mia's baby."

Liv's eyes widened in surprise. "Oh. Oh, wow."

"Yeah." Amanda ran a hand through her hair, which was disheveled from a long shift. "It all happened kinda fast... it's just, it's something we want to do."

"How'd this all come about?" she wondered.

She used the elastic on her wrist to tie up her hair into a sloppy ponytail, feeling somewhat fidgety. The topic of adopting Mia's child excited her, but in a way that meant she would be on-edge until the baby was actually in her arms. "Mia asked us if we'd be willing. She decided she was gonna put the baby up for adoption either way," she explained, "knowin' how ugly the foster system can be..."

"Is Mia going to be okay with seeing you raise her baby?" Liv asked.

"She says she is." Amanda shrugged. "I think, on top of still dealing with the sexual assault, she knows she's not ready to be a parent."

"Wow," Liv sighed. For a moment she studied Amanda in silence, then smiled. "Well, good work."

She raised her eyebrows wordlessly.

Liv clapped a hand on Amanda's shoulder. "When I told you how important it is to find a life outside of SVU... this, this sort of stuff, this is exactly what I meant by it."

* * *

Amanda's naked limbs untangled themselves from the sheets early Saturday morning. In the October light filtering through their shades, she saw Sonny sprawled out on his back, his unruly hair a mess from their earlier activities, his long limbs taking up more than their fair share of the mattress. This was their second round of sleep after their bodies had encountered one another in the dark hours ago, both hungrily seeking the passion and intimacy only those private hours of their day would allow. Warm and hazy, Amanda found it rather luxurious to wake up on her own accord yet another time - as opposed to a jarring alarm clock or a screaming child. She skittered into the bathroom without bothering to put on clothes, then crept back out into the dim bedroom when she was done. She crawled back onto the bed, but instead of returning to her spot, she made her way up the length of Sonny's frame. Her legs straddled his hips as she leaned down to touch her lips against his. She felt him shift beneath him, his hands sliding up her bare thighs before they settled against her hips as he returned her kiss.

"Mm, mornin'," Sonny grunted. She felt him smirk against her mouth as he added, "again."

"Mornin'," she murmured.

Sonny reached up and took her face between his warm palms, deepening their kiss into something long and languid. "When we have four kids," he eventually mumbled huskily, lips still brushing hers, "are we ever gonna have sex again?"

Amanda laughed quietly, pulling away only to catch her breath. She straightened up again, gazing down at Sonny beneath her. She always found him especially handsome first thing in the morning, with traces of stubble on his jaw, his cheeks flushed and his hair disheveled. Maybe it was because that was the version of Sonny only she was privy to; it was only ever hers. "Of course." She dragged finger down his sternum. "Nothin' is hotter than watching you be such a good dad."

His hands squeezed her thighs as he quirked his eyebrows. " _Nothin'?_ "

Amanda rolled her eyes. "Well, alright, a few other things..." She leaned back down to kiss him again, grinning as she did so. Sitting up again, she traced abstract shapes against his chest. "But you know what I mean."

Sonny stretched both of his arms to rest them behind his head and gazed up at her with a smile. "You're really happy, aren't you?"

"Yeah, I am," she admitted almost shyly. Her finger paused its lazy mapping against his skin to meet Sonny's eyes. "I just... he's not even here yet, but I know he's ours, Sonny."

He nodded. "We're gonna give him a good life."

A mischievous grin formed on Amanda's lips. "And I don't even have to get fat or stop drinking to do it."

"I think we're all thankin' God for that," Sonny teased.

"Hey!" she laughed with mock indignation before launching herself toward him, immediately tickling his exposed underarms while she had the chance.

Sonny responded with a yelp of surprise, his long limbs flailing as he simultaneously tried to fight her off and entrap her. Like rambunctious children they wrestled around the mattress, both of them too competitive to immediately relinquish control. They each knew all of the most ticklish spots on one another's bodies; in minutes they were both breathless with laughter as they knocked pillows off of the bed as a result of their tussle. Amanda knew how to win, of course: beneath him at one point, she hooked a leg around his waist and pressed her mouth against his, confident the position and the kiss would be enough of a distraction to stop Sonny's ruthless fingers. He couldn't help but respond, especially since they were tangled together and pressed closed, already out of breath and happy.

"Hey. This God guy," Amanda panted, taking Sonny's chin between her fingers so she could look him in the eye, "if he exists, I'm glad he stuck me with you."

Raising a brow, there was a mischievous glint in Sonny's eye. "Or did he stick _me_ with _you_?"

Amanda rolled her eyes and encircled his neck with her arms. "Let's argue about it later."


	51. Chapter 51

_be careful, oh my darling / oh be careful what it takes / from what I've seen so far / the good ones always seem to break_

* * *

The day after Thanksgiving, the Carisi's put their Christmas decorations up. As Sonny's father got older, each year he made a point to go to Staten Island to help him with the task. Thanksgiving was Amanda's favorite holiday, so she welcomed the opportunity return to the Carisi home to eat leftovers all day while the two men squabbled over the contents of dusty boxes from the attic and basement. Jesse had been doing a puzzle with her on the living room floor, until she had lost interest and joined her brother, who was helping Sonny's mother fold laundry upstairs. For some reason both of them found that chore much more exciting at their grandparents' house than when at home with their own mother. That didn't deter Amanda: they were almost done with the puzzle - which depicted three golden retriever puppies clambering out of a wicker basket - and she wanted to finish it. She still had Ruby to tend to, the baby somewhat mobile and very curious about the world around her, so Amanda multi-tasked with one eye on her youngest child and another on the pile of cardboard puzzle pieces on the carpet.

"Ah, look at this gorgeous girl. Walkin' on her own already," Dominick Sr. observed proudly from the couch as Ruby wobbled around in front of him, using the coffee table for balance. The little girl was mesmerized by the lights both of the men were attempting to untangle before they went outside to hang them.

Still sitting cross-legged on the floor, Amanda hovered a palm behind Ruby's back just in case she fell suddenly backward. "She started walking faster than Jesse or Luca," she mused in response to her father-in-law, "guess she's got places to go."

Ruby reached her small arm across the coffee table, straining for the lights in her father's hand, babbling nonsensically but loudly. Sonny looked around for something safer to give the little girl, then settled on some tissue paper that one of the decorations had been wrapped up in. "Here ya go, sweetheart," he offered her cheerfully, balling it up and passing over.

Satisfied, Ruby took the crumpled paper, but when she used both hands to play with it she lost her balance and dropped back into Amanda's lap with a small 'thud.' Thankfully, Amanda was prepared to catch her.

"So, it's official?" Sonny's father wondered after a few beats of silence, "Mia's gonna have this piece of crap's baby and you two are gonna adopt him?"

Sonny and Amanda exchanged cautious glances, then Sonny nodded, "yeah."

"And the father, he's not gonna... interfere with this at all?" Dominick went on suspiciously.

"In New York state if you're convicted of rape your parental rights can be terminated," Sonny explained as he set aside a string of lights.

The older man passed Sonny another tangle of multicolored bulbs. "And Mia? How's she doin'?"

"'Manda and I went to Teresa's and met with her and the lawyer a couple weeks ago. We verbally agreed on everything but... nothing's signed till the baby's actually born," Sonny replied.

"Nothin' in writing yet, huh?" Dominick responded, sounding skeptical.

Sonny's hands stopped their work and he let out an audible exhale. "What, pops? Go ahead, I've been waitin' for your two cents," he blurted irritably, suddenly appearing surly.

Amanda was taken aback by her husband's reaction, but also nervous about what exactly he was anticipating his father would say. She knew the entire situation was sensitive - it had been from the moment Mia had disclosed that she had been assaulted - so Amanda hadn't made a point of discussing much about the adoption with the Carisis just yet. She was anxious about it, too; it was hard to relax without the baby officially - legally - in her arms.

Dominick's eyes widened as he quickly shook his head. "No, Sonny," he insisted. He looked between his son and Amanda. "You've got three great kids and they're great because of you guys. You're doin' the right thing. A good thing. I'm proud of you."

Sonny appeared surprised, then sheepish. "Oh. Well. Okay."

"I think what Sonny _means_ to say is 'thank you,'" Amanda offered gently, giving Dominick a small smile.

"Yeah. Yeah, thanks, dad," Sonny mumbled. He glanced over at Amanda, then his father as he admitted, "I'm just a little... all of this is a little... uh, touchy, I guess."

"Well, anytime Teresa's involved in anything, y'know it's gotta be dramatic," Dominick sighed. He clapped a hand on Sonny's shoulder as he continued, "but Mia's family. You're takin' care of family. That's what we do."

Looking down at Ruby, who was still contentedly playing with the balled-up paper her father had given her, Amanda smiled. Even after all this time, it still surprised her just how different Sonny's family was from her own. While the Rollins were always selfishly protecting their own individual agendas, the Carisis took care of one another even amid arguments and struggles. They could be loud and overbearing, but that never impacted their unconditional love.

Lifting her eyes again, she met Sonny's as she spoke even though her words were directed at his father. "We just really want it to work out okay."

A little smile tugged at the corners of Sonny's mouth as he held Amanda's gaze for a moment before he returned to his string of Christmas lights.

"It's gonna work out fine," Dominick assured them. "We're-"

"Mama, I have hot chocolate?" Luca interrupted as he suddenly burst into the living room, breathless with anticipation as he ran to his mother. He hopped around at Amanda's side impatiently. "Can I?"

She sighed as she glanced down at the watch on her wrist. "One cup. I don't want you bouncin' off the walls."

"Nana, I can have some!" the little boy shouted gleefully as he scampered back into the kitchen. "She said I can!"

"No matter where kids come from, none of this stuff is easy," Dominick concluded after a moment of quiet. He glanced over at his son with an arched eyebrow. "You gave me hell, all the crap you pulled. All four of ya did. But I wouldn't take any of it back. Without kids, what's all this for otherwise?" He gestured around the expansive living room. "For me and your mother to sit around and look at each other?"

Amanda bit back a laugh, smoothing a palm over Ruby's head while she fidgeted in her lap. She recalled a time when she was certain that she would always prefer a child-free existence - now she was clamoring for a forth to complete the family she never knew she wanted. She met her husband's eyes, who appeared amused but appreciative of his father's support, and grinned.

* * *

"Luca, Jesse, come in here please," Sonny called up the stairs of their Astoria home one evening.

Moments later, there was the sound of two sets of little feet bounding down the steps before Jesse and Luca appeared. They joined Amanda and Sonny in the living room, both children dressed in their pajamas, their hair still damp from their respective baths.

"We wanna talk to you about something," Amanda explained from her spot on the couch.

"Am I in trouble?" Jesse wondered.

Sonny arched an eyebrow as he sunk back down next to Amanda, one arm stretched along the back of the couch behind her. "No... why, you do somethin'?" he teased.

The little girl grinned sweetly. "No..."

"That wasn't very convincing," he chuckled. "C'mon, sit," he went on to urge both of the kids, "we wanna talk."

Jesse plopped into the oversized armchair across from her parents but immediately began to fidget on the cushion, while Luca shamelessly wedged his body between Sonny and Amanda - despite all of the available space on the sectional. After a moment of wriggling, he clambered onto Amanda's lap instead, curling himself against her chest. His limbs were long for an almost-four-year-old - he was definitely his father's son - so she always found his gangly attempts at cuddling somewhat comical. The little boy popped his thumb in his mouth, the tell-tale indicator that he was tired, and waited.

"So, you know how Mia has a baby in her belly?" Amanda began, looking at her daughter but giving Luca's back a pat to keep him alert. She was oddly nervous, despite the fact that she was the adult in this situation.

"Yeah..." Jesse nodded, then asked, "how'd it get there?"

Sonny loudly and awkwardly cleared his throat. Jesse was at the age where questions about babies, sex and gender came up - repeatedly. Despite his years working at SVU, all of Sonny's training seemed to conveniently disappear when it came to addressing sensitive issues with his own daughter.

The six-year-old narrowed her eyes on her mother. "'Cause you said, you told me that when a mom and a dad-"

"Okay, well, uh, your mother'll go over all that again later," Sonny interrupted her quickly. "So, ah, anyway, like your mother was sayin': when the baby is born, he's gonna live with us."

Jesse's brow furrowed, sufficiently distracted but confused. "Why?"

"Because Mia is... she's not quite a grownup, so she can't take care of him," Amanda explained carefully, "so we're gonna."

"So he'll be yours and Luca's and Ruby's brother," Sonny concluded.

"A brother?" Luca chirped, lifting his head from Amanda's chest.

Sonny nodded and looked over at the little boy with a grin. "Yeah, a brother."

"Where's he gonna sleep?" Jesse wondered.

"He can share my room!" Luca exclaimed.

Amanda smiled down at her son. "That's very sweet of you, baby," she praised him, patting his back before she looked back over at Jesse. "You don't have to worry about that, Jess. Once he's old enough, Luca's room is big enough for the two of them to share. For now, since he'll be so little, he'll stay with us."

Sonny asked Jesse curiously, "whaddya think about all this?"

The little girl shrugged and pulled her knees up to her chest.

"Nothin'?" he prompted her.

"I dunno," the six-year-old huffed, "I don't think we need a new baby."

Sonny raised his eyebrows. "No? Why not?"

Jesse shrugged again before she began to toy with her blue-painted toes, which dangled off of the edge of the armchair. "Luca and Ruby are babies."

" _I_ _'m not a baby!_ " Luca cried, suddenly alert and ready for an argument.

"Shush, alright," Amanda chastised him, restraining him from jumping off of her lap. With her brow furrowed, she studied her daughter - who was very clearly pouting. "Jesse, I thought you'd be excited," she continued timidly, nervous to delve deeper into the little girl's adverse reaction to the news.

"You're always busy all the time," Jesse lamented, her petite limbs going loose as she dramatically flopped against the chair. She rolled her head to one side to look over at Sonny, brown eyes wide and features distressed. "Are you still gonna coach my t-ball?" she whined.

"Of course I am, Jess," Sonny promised her earnestly, casting a quick but concerned glance over at Amanda, "only a hundred and... twenty-three days till spring trainin', remember?"

"Is that what you're worried about?" Amanda asked gently, "that we won't have any time for you?"

With her lower lip puffed out, Jesse scowled at both adults in silence.

"Things are gonna be a little different, okay?" Amanda insisted, adjusting Luca's weight in her lap but still watching her daughter intently. "I know it's always been busy, but we're gonna change some stuff, your dad and me," she went on, "we're gonna rearrange our schedules a little, I'm gonna be workin' less so I can be home earlier with everybody..."

Jesse met Amanda's blue eyes as she mumbled, "like at dinnertime?"

Amanda's heart squeezed in her chest; she hadn't anticipated this conversation making her feel so damn guilty. "Yeah," she replied with a weak smile, "like at dinnertime."

"When?" she challenged her further, continuing to prove that she was every bit her mother's daughter.

"Soon..."

"Tomorrow?"

"Not that soon..."

"The day after?"

"The-"

"The baby will be born at the end of December. So around then," Amanda explained, her eyes flickering over to Sonny in a silent plea for support. She couldn't believe she was being interrogated by a six-year-old - and that it was making her so uneasy.

"Jess," Sonny interjected gently, "I know it's tough sometimes when we've gotta work a lot or at weird times. Every family is different, though, alright? Your friends' parents may work one way, we work another. Like, okay, think about this: how about when your mother's not here for dinner, then she wakes you up in the mornin' to walk you to school? Doesn't she do that a lot?"

"Uh huh," Jesse mumbled, her little brow furrowed.

"And doesn't she do it even when she's so tired her eyeballs are practically fallin' outta her head?" he continued.

"Yes," Jesse giggled despite herself.

"That's because she loves you so much, she'd rather be with you than goin' to bed," Sonny told her earnestly. "'Cause she knows we've gotta do stuff differently sometimes, but she doesn't want to miss out on seein' you however she can."

Amanda looked appreciatively over at her husband.

 **xxx**

Curled up on her side on the couch beneath a blanket later that night, Amanda watched Sonny lope down the stairs back into the living room. "He asleep?" she asked.

He nodded before hovering in front of her. "Out like a light."

She sat up only just enough to allow him to sit down beside her, then immediately dropped her head into his lap. She stared at the blank screen of the television. "Jesse?"

"On the iPad." Settling back into the couch cushions, she felt Sonny's hand drift to her hair, fingers toying through blonde strands lazily as he mused, "she's a tough critic, huh?"

Amanda pulled in a deep breath and exhaled, silently debating speaking the words on the tip on her tongue. "Is this... are we doing the right thing, Sonny?" she eventually asked him, voice soft.

Sonny's fingers kept roaming through her hair. "What d'you mean? Are you havin' second thoughts?" His tone wasn't accusatory; he sounded genuinely curious.

She shook her head against his thigh. "No, I just... I didn't think Jesse would get upset..."

"She's the oldest, 'Manda. Y'know how kids are. She's adjusted great to bein' a big sister twice now. She'll do it again." He added, "we're good parents."

"I just want him to be here already," Amanda whispered.

His palm smoothed over her head before he resumed toying with her tresses. "Me too."

"I was thinking about something."

"About what?"

"'Bout the baby."

"What about him?"

Amanda rolled over so she was on her back. "Well, I named Jesse and you named Luca, and I named Ruby..." She glanced over at Sonny with a little smile as she concluded, "so it's your turn."

Sonny's features lit up. "I gotta great name in mind-"

" _Not Dominick,_ " she interrupted quickly.

He deflated dramatically as he scowled down at her. "Aw, c'mon!"

"There's enough of y'all already," she laughed.

"I know. I'm only teasin'," he grinned goofily. He stretched his long arms along the back of the couch and appeared thoughtful. "If Ruby had been a boy, there was a name I was thinkin' of..."

She quirked an eyebrow. "Yeah? You didn't tell me that."

"Well, we said we said we were only gonna come up with names when we saw her," Sonny reminded her, "and when she was born, she was a she. So..."

"So tell me now," she urged him.

After a moment of contemplation, Sonny told her, "I like the name Leo."

Amanda felt her heart flutter with new excitement; hearing Sonny put a potential name to this baby made the entire experience so much more concrete. They had been talking about the adoption almost obsessively for weeks, but it still felt so far away, so abstract. To call the baby something, to give him an identity in their family - that was the most real thing Amanda had felt since Mia had originally offered them the opportunity to parent her child. "Leo," she repeated slowly, allowing the sound to roll from her tongue and hover in the air between them. "I like that name, too," she concluded, a smile playing at her lips. "What about his middle name?"

"Something that sounds nice with Leo," Sonny replied simply.

She rolled her eyes.

"I'll work on it," he smirked.

* * *

The house was dark except for the glow of Amanda's laptop. Wrapped up in one of Sonny's old Staten Island PD sweatshirts and track shorts (ones that she'd never admit she had owned since college), she sat perched at the kitchen island, focused on the Macbook's screen as she was deep into an internet search. One leg dangled off of the stool while her other knee was bent upward, providing the perfect place for her chin to rest as she browsed. She had worked all day but it didn't matter: she had become obsessed with Esther and the Labott case. It had been a long time since a situation had caused her blood to boil so fiercely, but telling William that he was free to leave with his daughter had sickened her to the core. Now she was two hours into reading about cult culture and New Jersey incest law, determined to find some small loophole that would allow her to arrest the patriarch of the Labott family. She wasn't willing to accept that enough T's were crossed and I's were dotted to permit SVU to legally walk away from a monster; it felt wrong to Amanda on every level. She would work the case alone if it meant securing justice for a woman who had likely been oppressed and abused all of her life.

"Mama?"

The sound of Jesse's small voice startled a fixated Amanda; she almost fell out of her seat. Heart pounding, Amanda slapped her palm to her chest as she saw her daughter walking toward her through the kitchen in her pajamas. "Jesus, Jesse! You scared me," Amanda exclaimed breathlessly.

"Sorry," Jesse squeaked, coming up to her mother's side.

"It's alright." She smoothed a hand over Jesse's head, the little girl's hair wild from sleep. "What are you doin' up?"

Jesse prodded at Amanda's thigh. "I'm thirsty."

"Here, I'll get you some water." Untangling her limbs, she climbed off of the stool to fill a glass with water for her daughter.

"What are you doing?" Jesse wondered.

"Some work." She carefully passed Jesse a half-full plastic cup.

After taking a gulp of water, she asked Amanda, "will you come lay down with me?"

Amanda gave her a pointed look, as if to say, _are you kidding me?_ "Jesse..."

"Pleeease?" she whined.

Heaving a sigh, she was too tired to argue. "Alright, c'mon. Finish that water."

Once Jesse was done, Amanda closed the cover of her laptop, shut off the kitchen light and followed her daughter upstairs to her bedroom. She let the little girl climb into her bed first, then joined her beneath the blankets. Jesse tucked herself into her mother's side immediately. Now that she was lying down, Amanda was glad to no longer be staring at a screen or searching every corner of the internet for a solution to the Labott case. Not only was she tired, but she was grateful that her own life was so vastly, blessedly different than Esther's.

"Y'know, one day you're gonna be too old for me to keep doing this," Amanda yawned, slipping an arm around Jesse's small shoulders so she could toy with the ends of her hair.

Jesse shook her head against the crook of her mother's shoulder. "Nuh uh."

"When you were a real little baby, I used to sleep with you all the time," she admitted.

"How come?"

"I dunno. I guess I was lonely."

"Why?"

"'Cause it was just you and me. And Frannie."

"What about daddy?"

"He wasn't around so much yet."

"Were you sad?"

Amanda smiled wanly up at the ceiling. "Sometimes. You made me happy, though. When you weren't screamin' and cryin', that is."

Jesse giggled. "Did I cry a lot?"

"No. You were a good baby." Her lips brushed against the top of her daughter's head. "My first baby."

"I'll always be that?" she asked meekly.

"Yes, baby. No matter what," Amanda assured her quietly, recalling their conversation about the new baby the other day and suddenly feeling nostalgic. "You'll _always_ be the first."

* * *

On a blustery Wednesday night, Amanda walked into the living room in search of Sonny, her head spinning. Instead she found her oldest daughter on the couch, gaze adhered to the television. The dog was curled up at her side; her ears barely perked at Amanda's presence.

"Where's your daddy?" she asked Jesse curiously.

Jesse's eyes didn't leave the screen, apparently too mesmerized by the Disney Channel show. "In the basement, fixin' something."

"Oh, lord..." Amanda muttered. She tugged at Sonny's NYPD zip-up hanging from the bannister of the stairs and shrugged it on before she padded down the hallway toward the basement. It wasn't that Sonny _wasn't_ handy - it was that his brain worked so much differently than her own that they couldn't do tasks together without squabbling. He saw one solution and she inevitably saw another - and they were both too stubborn to allow the other to be right.

She creaked down the old, narrow basement stairs until she reached the landing. Sonny was tinkering at the makeshift workbench the last family had left behind, the small space illuminated by a dusty overhead light. By his side was what appeared to be Ruby's old bassinet, although it was only half-assembled and didn't look quite like she remembered it.

"Hey, baby. What are you doing?" she asked curiously as she approached him.

Sonny glanced over his shoulder at the sound of Amanda's voice. "I was puttin' this back together the other night and I couldn't find a coupla of the special screws to the bottom." He gestured to the bassinet. "Had to order all new ones, then take it apart again..." He sighed. "They must do that on purpose, make the screws special. Make sure you keep spendin' money."

Amanda scrunched her nose and tilted her head as she eyed the piece of baby furniture, trying to suppress a smile. "It's lookin' a little lopsided..."

Sonny groaned as he turned around and crouched down to assess one of the legs of the bassinet. "Damn, I think I mixed up part 'L' and part 'M'..."

She put her hands in the pockets of the too-big hoodie, her fingers encountering spare change and a gum wrapper. She toyed with what felt like a penny. "Liv said I could go to New Jersey tomorrow night."

He peered up at her through the sweep of his disheveled hair, an eyebrow arched. "This about Esther?"

Amanda chewed her lower lip and nodded. "Yeah."

Sonny nodded, too, but he didn't say anything as he worked to unscrew the misplaced part.

"You don't want me to go?" she guessed timidly, although she had been prepared for him to protest.

"If Lieu says you can go, who am I to say anything different? But... I dunno, in my opinion?" He rose to standing again and exhaled audibly, meeting her eyes as he did so. "In my opinion, you should let this go, Amanda. Yeah, Esther's family is totally crazy but technically, nobody broke the-"

"Something is going on, Sonny," she interrupted anxiously, unable to stop herself, "that girl's brainwashed and tortured and I bet all her brothers and sisters are, too. I'm not just gonna look the other way and pretend I'm not seein' it."

"It isn't your responsibility to save her," Sonny said slowly. "Whatever she's involved in, it's her life."

"It _is_ my responsibility!" Amanda insisted. "It's my job!"

"No, now this is personal for you," he challenged her. Leaning back against the workbench, he crossed his arms over his chest, appearing skeptical. "What happened to you workin' less, huh?"

Amanda visibly bridled at his question. "I am gonna work less, when the baby comes," she responded defensively. "I just, I have to look into this. I'm telling you, something is really wrong here. There's a case here!" she babbled, face flushing with indignation.

Sonny blinked slowly at her, as if taken aback by her impassioned response. "Well," he sighed wearily, "we'll be right here waitin' for you when you're done runnin' around the tristate area on your wacky scavenger hunt."

She scowled, annoyed that he wasn't taking her case seriously. "It's just gonna be a couple of days. I'll go down tomorrow night and come back into the city to check in before going back." Chewing on her lower lip, she eyed her husband, who didn't look angry - just concerned. She deflated, her shoulders slumping. "I just, I'm sorta wrapped up in this, you're right," she admitted, "but just gimme a couple days to do some research and get it outta my system. Please?" Moving so she was standing close in front of him, fingers reached out to tug at the belt loops of his jeans as she offered him a small, coquettish smile. "I know you like it when I say 'please.'"

" _Amanda_..." He rolled his eyes while very obviously attempting to keep the smirk off of his lips. Meeting her gaze again, he said, "Liv's lettin' you go. You've never asked my permission to do anything. What's different about this time?"

She crossed her arms over her chest and looked down at the dirty cement floor. They were toe-to-toe: her feet were inside her old black Uggs, his in battered Converse. "I dunno. Liv's not too crazy about me goin' either," she spoke to their shoes almost bashfully, tucking a piece of hair behind her ears, "I want you on my side for this one, is all."

"I'm always on your side," Sonny reminded her.

Lifting her head, she frowned. "You think I'm in too deep."

"A little bit, yeah," he admitted. "But even though it kinda drives me crazy when you pull this shit..." he continued with a small, knowing smile, "I've always loved how much you care about the work we do." He reached out for her hips and tugged her into him. "And it's not for the glory-"

"-there's glory in this?" she snorted sarcastically, feet shuffling toward him at his prompting.

"-it's 'cause you know all these people in these cases we work, they've got lives to live after our shift's over," Sonny went on, "it doesn't end for them just 'cause we submit some paperwork."

Standing between his legs, body flush with his, Amanda peered up at Sonny. She slowly uncrossed her arms and smoothed her palms up his chest before encircling her arms around his neck loosely. "Thanks," she murmured, fingers toying absently with a bit of his hair.

"'Manda, just be careful, please," he implored her, giving her hips a squeeze, "I trust your instincts here, I do, but just... don't do anything crazy, okay?"

"I'm not," Amanda insisted, "I'm not gonna be crazy."

"No, you're always crazy," Sonny corrected her with a smirk. "I said don't _do_ anything crazy."

She frowned, then her features softened as she studied the worry etched on her husband's face. "I just... this girl, she didn't choose this life," Amanda whispered, "I know she's technically an adult now, but she doesn't know any other way. And this incest stuff, it may not be illegal in Jersey, but if it's okay in that house, God knows what other stuff is happening there." Her frown deepened, emotion rising in her throat at the mere thought of the possibilities. "Her brothers and sisters aren't safe, Sonny. We know it. How can we know it and not do anything about it?"

His palms soothed up and down her sides slowly. "I get it. I get what you're doin'," he assured her. "I just want you to be careful."

"I will be," Amanda vowed. "I promise."


	52. Chapter 52

**AN:** GUYS! This took forever, but this is only HALF of the chapter I have written (for those keeping score, that means I had over 6k worth of Rollisi chillin' on my Mac)! The other half is waiting to be edited, but I figured I'd slacked off long enough and I'd post what I had fixed up so far. Thank you **so** much for your patience and continued interest in this nonsense. FYI: this bit ties in the request for _Book of Esther_ stuff, to be continued next chapter!

* * *

 _there will be days / when even the strong ones need shelter too / honey let me shelter you_

* * *

Amanda stared at the television in her New Jersey motel room; HGTV was her other secret, guilty pleasure. The intricate details of modern farmhouse decor were so far from the sorts of things that occupied the corners of her mind on a daily basis, so she couldn't help but be fascinated by people who had the luxury of worrying about it all. Would the apron sink look silly with the marble counter tops? How would the reclaimed wood cabinets contrast against the floors? How many mason jars is considered _too many_ mason jars? Watching a picture-perfect family wander through their dream home, Amanda tried to imagine her own loved ones occupying such a chic and expensive space. Ruby's sippy cup would probably put a few unsightly dents into a five thousand dollar pinewood kitchen table...

A quick knock on the door startled Amanda out of her reverie. Confused, she hauled tired limbs up off of the bed to approach the door. Rising up onto her toes, she attempted to peer through the peep hole, but the old glass was clouded and it distorted the image of whoever was outside. "Real safe," she muttered sarcastically before pulling open the door, allowing a rush of cold night air into the room. Her eyes immediately widened at the sight of her husband, standing tall and lean in his navy peacoat beneath the flickering neon light outside. He was wearing a smug smile, clearly proud that he had managed to surprise her, a dimple making an impression in one of his rosy cheeks. "Sonny!" she exclaimed as she threw her arms around him, her reaction on par with a person who'd been separated from their loved one for a year - not a few hours. "What are you doing here?!"

Sonny's arms encircled her frame as he held her close in a hug. "My parents offered to watch the kids so I thought I'd take a little road trip."

Without breaking their embrace, she pulled back to look at him, their blue eyes meeting. "Baby..." she simpered with a pout, "I'm so happy to see you."

"You just saw me this afternoon!" he chuckled. It was true: hours earlier Amanda had driven back into the city to report her findings regarding the Labott investigation to the rest of the squad.

"I know, it's just..." she trailed off, unable to put into words the precise reason for her intense gratitude.

Sonny shrugged as he grinned down at her; he didn't seem to need an explanation. "Well, I figured you might be wantin' a little company."

She nodded, then tugged at the lapels of his coat to bring him in from the cold.

"As usual, NYPD really spares no expense on the digs, huh?" he quipped, looking around the shabby motel room with raised eyebrows as he shouldered off his jacket. He tossed it onto the armchair in the corner, where Amanda had tossed the clothes she had worn earlier that day.

"Yeah, well, considerin' I'm not even really supposed to be here..." Amanda muttered sheepishly, raking a hand through her hair. She huffed out a sigh before admitting, "since I saw y'all, I've been debating whether I'm gonna go to the Labott's house tomorrow..."

Sonny unholstered his gun from his hip and set it on the table, then dropped down onto the bed, leaning his back against the headboard. He toed off his shoes before stretching his long legs out in front of him. "Y'think their gonna invite you in for tea and cookies?" he asked skeptically as he visibly relaxed.

She started to pace at the foot of the bed as she thought, arms crossed loosely over her chest. "No, but maybe if I can just get Esther alone for a couple of minutes, away from her father-"

"And do what, Amanda? Kidnap her and bring her to our house?" Sonny interrupted, sounding weary. "You gotta focus less on savin' her and more on the bigger picture here."

Amanda stopped moving and sighed. She looked at her husband, who appeared exhausted - maybe from a day at work, more likely from hearing her ramble on about Esther incessantly. "Do you want me to not talk about this anymore?" she guessed.

He used both palms to rub at his face roughly before dropping his hands back down at his sides. "Kinda, yeah," he admitted, "just for a little while."

Even though she was prepared for his response, Amanda felt a little prickle of embarrassment anyway. She gave a nod of understanding as she mumbled, "sorry."

"S'alright."

Moving to the side of the bed, she straddled Sonny's lap. She lazily snaked her arms around his neck and rested her forehead against his, their noses bumping as she mumbled again, "I'm really glad you're here."

"You're not mad I'm checkin' up on you?" he wondered as his arms encircled her waist.

She quirked an eyebrow. "Is _that_ what you're doin'?"

His hands slid beneath the fabric of her shirt, his palms sliding over the warm skin of her back as he admitted sheepishly, "maybe a little bit."

"Well..." Amanda lifted her head to meet his eyes with a teasing grin. "You wouldn't be the Sonny Carisi I know and love if you weren't." She cupped the side of his face with one of her hands and admired his familiar, handsome features. "Thanks."

"You're _thankin'_ me?" Sonny asked with both skepticism and amusement in his tone. "You usually hate it."

"I know, I do hate it," she insisted quickly, as if she was afraid he might think she had changed. With gentle fingertips, she unnecessarily fiddled with strands of Sonny's hair that had fallen against his forehead, nudging them back upward. "It's just... this Esther thing's been taking over my head lately and..." She dropped her hand down with a sigh, putting her arm back around his neck loosely as she concluded, "I could use a distraction."

He nodded, his palms making slow, soothing circles against her back muscles. "Y'wanna go out and get a drink or some dinner or something?"

Amanda shook her head before sinking her teeth into her lower lip sheepishly. "I know it's not much to look at, but can we just stay here? I kinda just wanna be with you."

Sonny pressed a kiss into her lips as his hands gave her waist a squeeze. "'Course."

She leaned in and met his mouth with her own again, fingers wandering down between their bodies so she could begin to tug his dress shirt out of his pants. All at once, a realization flashed through her mind and her hands paused their work as she pulled away once more. Eyes narrowed, Amanda gave Sonny an expectant look. "Did you finish your homework assignment?"

He furrowed his brow in confusion. "I had an assignment?"

" _Yeah,_ " Amanda replied, using a finger to poke at his stomach emphatically. "Leo's middle name."

Sonny perked up instantaneously at the reminder. "Oh, yeah." He reached beneath himself to pull his phone from his back pocket, swiped through it with his thumb, then turned the screen to face her. "Here, I made a list," he told Amanda proudly.

With a smirk, she took the device and looked down at the small list he had typed into the 'notes' section. A grin lit up her features at the first name she read; it sent warmth straight to her chest. "Leo Michael," Amanda recited, lifting her gaze to meet Sonny's. "That's a perfect name."

"Y'think so?" Sonny smiled, "I liked it a lot. It just... came to me."

She set his phone down on the nightstand. "What if he doesn't look like a Leo Michael?"

"Then we'll think of something else," he assured her easily.

Amanda put a palm against her flat abdomen thoughtfully. "It's so weird, Sonny, talkin' about this baby and not... having him inside of me," she confessed. Her brow furrowed with a realization: "I'm never gonna feel that again."

Sonny tilted his head slightly as he studied her, a shadow of concern crossing his face. "Does that bother you?"

"No," she answered him honestly after a moment of consideration, shaking her head. "The end result is the same."

* * *

Heavy and warm, Amanda felt a gentle nudge against her shoulder that allowed conscious awareness to float to the forefront of her hazy mind. Her eyes fluttered open to see Sonny's tall form hovering over her, shrugging his suit jacket over his shoulders.

"Mm, y'goin'?" she rumbled from beneath the cheap sheets. She burrowed deeper instead of making an effort to get up and join him, but she stuck an arm out to fumble for her phone. Bleary-eyed, she blinked at the time on the device's screen - five-fifteen a.m. - then tossed it back on the nightstand.

"Yeah," Sonny replied, slipping his tie around his collar before he began to knot it with practiced hands. "Traffic back into the city's gonna be hell."

She let out a yawn. "K."

"What are you gonna do?" he wondered.

"I'm goin'."

"Goin'...?"

"To the Labott's house."

"Remember: we don't have any bedrooms left for Esther," Sonny quipped.

"Very funny," she grumbled.

He leaned down and took her chin between his fingers, tilting it upward so he could kiss her. "Love you."

"Love you," Amanda murmured.

* * *

Storming out of the interrogation room, Amanda's anger was barely contained by Liv's office. She was boiling hot with it, mere seconds away from putting her hands on Labott in the most unprofessional yet satisfying way. She knew her lieutenant would pull her out of there for getting out of control - hell, maybe she had been counting on it - but it felt good to at least express even just a fraction of the disgust she harbored for a man who had enslaved, tortured and brainwashed his entire family. She was willing to endure the consequences from Liv - again.

"Amanda..." Liv's tone was warning as she eyed the blonde detective pacing her office erratically. "I know that this is hard-"

" _Hard?_ Just imagine how hard those kids' lives were!" Amanda exclaimed indignantly, "and then to have to sit there and listen to that zealot use God to justify it!"

"I get it, Amanda," Liv assured her levelly, "but I need you to get your head on straight."

"Okay. I'm fine," she insisted insincerely.

"Okay? Do you think you can do that?"

"Yes."

"Because when this case is finally over-"

"It is over," Amanda said, tone brash as she finally came to a halt in front of the lieutenant's desk.

Liv's features turned stony. "I wish that were true."

She furrowed her brow in silent confusion.

"Preliminary ballistics came back on the siege of the Labott house," the lieutenant continued.

"That was fast," Amanda murmured.

"You fired the bullet that killed Esther Labott."

All of the air left Amanda's lungs. "No..." she gasped. The anger she had felt moments ago was replaced with breathless horror - how could _she_ be the person that had ended Esther Labott's life? "Oh, God..."

Liv took a cautious step toward her. "Amanda..."

"Oh, my God..." she wheezed as she dropped to sit down onto the nearest available surface: the edge of the coffee table. Her limbs felt weak, tremulous and woefully ill-equipped to support her.

"You know the drill. You're gonna talk to the Force Investigative Group and you're gonna talk to IAB," Liv explained coolly, bending slightly to speak to Amanda at eye-level, "and I am confident that you're going to be back on the job in the next few days."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry," Amanda moaned as tears slid down her face, although she didn't even know who she was apologizing to. Could Esther hear her, wherever she was? Each of her hands gripped hair on either side of her head, shaking fingers threatening to tear out blonde strands. "Oh, my God..."

Liv pressed her lips together; she appeared a combination of sad and stern before she slipped out of the room, leaving the detective alone. By herself, it gave Amanda the opportunity to allow more of the tears burning her eyes to fall, but seconds later she heard the door to the opposite interview room swing open.

"Hey, Lieu, I-" Sonny came bursting into Liv's office appearing energized and eager to report his discussion with Mrs. Labott to his Lieutenant, but skidded to a halt at the sight of Amanda crumpled over in the middle of the room. "'Manda? What's wrong? What happened?" he demanded immediately, rushing over to crouch down in front of her.

"It was me, Sonny," was all Amanda could manage.

Sonny gently gripped both of her wrists in an attempt to get a better look at her face. "What was you?" he urged her, "What happened?"

"I killed her," she croaked, her fingers releasing their vice-like grip on her hair and instead trembling around her head. "I shot her. I killed Esther." Saying those words out loud sent Amanda's stomach lurching; she barely kept herself from vomiting all over Sonny.

"Whoa, whoa, wait a second," Sonny stammered, obviously stunned. "How do you know that?"

"Liv, she just told me. The ballistics report just came back," Amanda was able to explain as she shakily stood up straight, although her voice didn't sound like her own. "I fired twice. And one of the bullets... the bullet that killed her came from _my_ gun."

Sonny winced as he rose slowly to his feet, too. "'Manda, oh God..." he breathed in disbelief, dragging his fingers through his hair.

" _Dead-Eye Amanda._ That's me, right?" she remarked huskily, her sarcasm painful to her own ears. It prompted another onslaught of tears. "I was only trying to help and I killed her," she choked, "how could this happen? How could, out of all the... how could it be me that did that?"

"I don't know. I don't know, but this is a freak thing, a thing you couldn't control," Sonny insisted almost frantically, grabbing at both of her forearms to look her in the eye. "You could have never known this would happen. I mean, the odds of this..."

"I just wanted to help her escape from, from that hell hole she was trapped in..."

Liv suddenly reappeared in her office, her brown eyes wide with confusion before they narrowed on Sonny. "Carisi, what are you doing out here? Where's Labott's wife?"

Sonny instinctively let go of Amanda but remained by her side. "I just finished with her in interview two," he explained distractedly. "What's goin' on? The ballistics came back? Are you-"

"Rollins, I need your weapon," Liv interrupted him briskly, her attention focused on Amanda as if she had never asked Sonny any questions at all, "somebody from the Force Investigative Group needs to talk to you upstairs now."

"C'mon, Lieu, can't that wait till tomorrow?" Sonny pleaded, his decision to insert himself a bold one.

Liv shot him a warning look, one that wordlessly indicated that he was absolutely overstepping his bounds.

"It's alright, Sonny," Amanda insisted, hastily wiping away the tears she had been freely shedding just moments earlier. She would be damned if she let any administrative officers see her crying. "I'll go, I'm going..."

 **xx**

Amanda didn't return home until nine thirty; every bone in her body felt like lead as she dragged herself through the darkened first floor. She was grateful it was quiet, but sad that once again she had missed the benign chaos of a normal weekday night with her family. The Force Investigative Group didn't challenge her about the siege on the Labott house - no protocols had been broken - but Amanda still felt emotionally drained. She hadn't been worried about formalities or procedures - she was worried about the life she had unintentionally stolen. She couldn't seem to get her stomach out of her throat or the crushing weight off of her heart; she felt tremulous and nauseated with the sheer effort it took to keep from replaying her last moments with Esther over and over again in her mind.

With heavy footsteps, Amanda slowly made her way up the stairs until she reached the silent second floor. When she nudged open the master bedroom door, Sonny practically leapt off of the bed where he was laying down watching television.

"How'd it go?" he asked her anxiously. He appeared wild-eyed with worry, out of his suit and tie in favor of his old Staten Island precinct t-shirt and basketball shorts.

She closed the door behind her and shrugged. "It went."

"Did you talk to IAB?" he wondered.

"Not yet." She took her watch off and set it on the bureau. "Tomorrow, probably."

"Y'want some dinner?" he offered eagerly, "I saved you some."

She shook her head, which was pounding. The thought of eating repulsed her.

"How 'bout a drink?" Sonny tried.

For some reason, as Amanda's eyes flickered around the room, they settled on a photograph of Ruby and Sonny on their bookshelf. She remembered taking the picture: both of them were asleep on the living room couch, an infant Ruby in the crook of Sonny's arm, Sonny's head lolled to one side with exhaustion. Hot tears sprung to Amanda's eyes, suddenly overwhelmed by the realization that Esther would never have a child, or get married, or do anything at all ever again. She felt bile rise in her throat in disgust, because Esther's lack of a future was all her fault.

"Hey, c'mere," Sonny coaxed her gently, taking one long stride to Amanda's side, "it's okay, Amanda. It's alright." He reached for her, tugging at her arm and guiding her to the edge of the bed. "Just sit down, alright? Take a deep breath."

Boneless, Amanda complied and dropped down to sit on the mattress as tears escaped her sore eyes. "I just wanted... to help her..."

"You did help. You... you, you connected with her more than anybody else ever had, probably in her entire life," Sonny insisted, voice strained with the obvious effort to convince her that this was not her fault, "you went totally above and beyond for her, Amanda, and you advocated for somebody who didn't know how to ask for the help she needed." His put his arm around her shoulders and squeezed her into his side. She leaned into him willingly and his lips grazed the top of her head as he continued to speak quietly, "she had a miserable existence. She was a slave to a... a screwy version of faith that kept her sick and isolated and, and totally stunted. You fought to try to free her from all that."

"And now she's dead," she sobbed freely into his t-shirt, "I connected with her, I, I advocated for her and then I killed her."

He pulled back suddenly, gripping her shoulders with his hands so he could look her in the eye, even though her head was hung. "You fired into that house like everybody else, tryin' to protect your fellow officers while keepin' the Labott family safe," Sonny told her sternly. His palms moved to cup her face, thumbs grazing over her cheek bones to brush her tears away, although his efforts were futile. "There's no good explanation for this, 'Manda, okay?" he concluded softly, "all I can say is, all I can say is that at least Esther died knowin' somebody was in her corner."

She felt her features crumple in Sonny's palms again at his words. Her mind flashed to the image of Esther's lifeless body on the ground and the sensation of the younger woman's small and fragile hand in her own; she could have sworn she felt it in her grasp right then and there. As guilt twisted her stomach again, Amanda yearned to take solace in what her husband was telling her. "I just feel so sad for her. Why'd it have to happen this way? Why'd she have to, have to, be tortured her whole life just to die like this?" she whispered, "for me to do this to her?" She squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head. "I keep thinking about our kids," she croaked, "out of all the shit I've done, this is something I'd never want them to know..."

"All they know is that you're a great mother and a great cop," he promised, "this doesn't change that."

"I don't feel like it," she said pathetically, roughly rubbing at her running nose with the back of her hand. "I feel like a piece of shit."

Sonny reached up and smoothed her hair away from her face with the kind of gentleness that reminded her of the way he cared for any of the children when they were upset or sick - with complete, genuine compassion. Through her sore and bleary eyes she watched him frown and shake his head. "You aren't, 'Manda."

Amanda met his eyes and shrugged. "It's over now," she concluded after a moment of silence. Her words sounded hollow but she wanted to say them, because maybe that would make them true.

He nodded slowly, cautiously, as if he wasn't sure if he should agree. "Yeah, it is."

She sunk her teeth into her lower lip and felt her eyes begin to prickle with hot tears again. Even if it _was_ over, it still happened - and it was still her wrongdoing to atone for. She just wasn't confident that she ever could.


	53. Chapter 53

_baby, you're my holy ghost / I need you close / come back to me_

* * *

When Amanda snuck out of the house Saturday morning, her intention had been to go on a walk. The opportunity to steal a few, private moments to herself was rare, and while she felt a little guilty creeping away from her sleeping husband and children, she needed the space desperately. In the wake of Esther's death, Amanda hadn't had a chance to process it all on her own; her head was filled with static from Liv, Sonny, the Force Investigative Group and IAB. She valued some of their input more than others, but at the end of the day, it was ultimately her situation to make peace with.

Amanda never planned to pull open the heavy door of Immaculate Conception Church in Astoria that day.

Something had compelled her to stop in front of the wrought iron gates and go inside. This was not an urge that had ever struck her before: normally, Amanda stayed far away from all forms of organized religion unless dragged to services by Sonny and his family. That morning, though, her heart felt so sick, she figured it was the one option she had never really tried before.

The old church was cavernous and very empty. She tentatively stepped inside, almost in the same way she entered uncleared areas where armed perpetrators may have lurked - only at that moment she didn't have her gun or SVU backup. While she may have attended mass as a child and with Sonny as an adult, this was not a comfortable place for Amanda. Soundlessly, she slipped into a pew three rows from the front; she couldn't quite commit to taking off her jacket just yet, so she stayed huddled inside of it. Her eyes took in the ornate altar and idols before her as she wondered irritably, just as she always did every time she entered an allegedly sacred space, _am I supposed to feel differently here?_

"I don't think I've seen you here before," a male voice observed.

Amanda jumped, startled. She turned her head to see an older man dressed in dark, clerical clothing standing by her pew. He appeared to be in his seventies, with gray hair, glasses and soft wrinkles on his face. "I, uh, yeah." She began to get to her feet, suddenly extremely uneasy, as if he had caught her doing something wrong. "I'm sorry, I should-"

"No, no. Stay," he urged her. He put his hand out for her to take and offered her a kind smile. "I'm Reverend Marino, the pastor here."

Slowly, hesitantly, she sunk back down into the pew. "I'm Amanda. I'm not Catholic," she immediately felt compelled to disclose after shaking the reverend's hand.

He raised his eyebrows. "Okay."

"I mean, I grew up Baptist, sort of. I'm from the South. My husband's Catholic," Amanda babbled, "I go to church with him sometimes, not here, but in Staten-"

"You don't have to prove anything to be in here," the reverend interrupted gently, "everybody's welcome."

She nodded, somewhat embarrassed by her obvious anxiety.

"What brings you in today?" he wondered as he took a seat in the pew beside her. "I'm sorry to tell you that you're too early for the Saturday service at eleven..."

"That's good," she blurted, then cringed at her own response. "I mean... I'm not, well, organized religion's not really my thing. I just... I need some, I need somebody to..."

"To...?"

Amanda turned to look at the reverend, who appeared genuinely interested in why she was there. Disarmed slightly, she shrugged. "Forgive me?" It was more of a question than an answer, because truthfully, she wasn't quite sure why she was in that church herself.

Reverend Marino nodded. "For what?"

She turned to look straight ahead; even though he was a total stranger, she couldn't look him in the eye and talk about this. "I did something awful when I was tryin' to do something good and I..." Amanda pulled in a deep, steadying breath in order to compose herself enough to continue: "my husband, he always finds a lot of peace at church. And I don't even know if I believe in God or any of this or whatever but, I just want... to feel better. Maybe that's selfish. Maybe that's not what this is for..."

"Go on," he coaxed her, tone gentle.

"I... I'm a police officer. I got personally involved in a case, I..., the details aren't really - I shot and killed an innocent girl," she said, her tone oddly matter-of-fact to keep from becoming emotional. She sunk her teeth into her lower lip and debated voicing the question on the tip of her tongue. Eyes still focused on the grand altar in front of them, she finally asked: "God... did He know all along that I was meant to fire the bullet that killed her?"

"He knew." Reverend Marino's tone was quiet but confident.

Amanda swiveled in her seat, eyes now narrowed on the older man. "Then why didn't He stop it?" she demanded, suddenly hot with indignation. "Why doesn't He stop all the bad sh- stuff that happens in the world, if He knows it all before it happens?"

A wan smile formed on the reverend's lips. "The idea that God 'already' knows what we'll do in the future isn't the right way of looking at it," he explained, "we as human beings are trying to approach God's perspective in an all too human way. God does not look into the future and 'see' what's going to happen. God sees everything from an eternal state of being _outside_ of time and space. He simply _sees_ and therefore knows everything that to us is past, present and future." He paused, appearing thoughtful, and held Amanda's gaze. He concluded quietly, "Amanda, God knows what's in your heart. He knows your true intentions."

She felt a lump rising in her throat and she swallowed it down. "My intention was to help her," Amanda insisted, oddly anxious to convince him, "I took an oath to protect and serve. That's what I was trying to do. I wanted her to be safe. I wanted to show her that a different sorta life was possible..." She shook her head before adding in a whisper, "I have three kids. My husband and I, we're adopting another one soon. I can't help feeling like I'm not worthy of bein' their mother now that I've done this. I've felt like that before, but... why'd this have to happen at all, let alone now?"

"Faith in God includes faith in his timing," Reverend Marino replied simply.

Amanda's brow furrowed in obvious skepticism.

He offered her small grin. "You look... unconvinced."

"I, uh, don't know what to do with that information," she admitted.

Still smiling, the reverend appeared somewhat baffled by her response. "Be comforted by it, Amanda."

 **xxx**

"Hi, mama," Jesse greeted Amanda from the couch. The little girl was in her pajamas with Frannie's head in her lap as she watched the Disney Channel. Neither of them budged when Amanda walked through the door; this was their Saturday morning ritual.

Amanda shook her coat off and hung it up while simultaneously toeing off her boots. "Hey, Jess."

"Daddy's gonna make pancakes," Jesse informed her, toying with the ever-patient dog's ears with her eyes still glued to the television.

She nodded, distracted. "Yum."

Sonny came loping down the steps with Ruby on his hip and Luca at his heels, everyone still looking rumpled and comfortable from a night's sleep. "Hey, where'd you go?" Sonny wondered when he reached the base of the stairs. Amanda could see that the baby was gnawing on the string of his hoodie, effectively drooling freely on herself and her father.

"Mornin', mama!" Luca shouted energetically, although he didn't come running to greet her. Instead, he immediately barreled past both of his parents and joined his older sister on the living room couch.

"Mornin', Lu," she said before turning to Sonny as he wandered into the adjoining kitchen. "I was up early, so I went for a walk..."

"Mamamama," Ruby cooed, her arms straining as they reached out for her from Sonny's hold.

"Hi, sweet girl," Amanda murmured. She took her youngest daughter from Sonny and adjusted the wriggling baby against her hip. She kissed the top of Ruby's head before smoothing down her soft hair with her free hand.

"Oh, alright," Sonny replied easily to his wife's explanation for her early morning disappearance. He leaned in and gave Amanda a quick kiss. "I'm glad you're back, I'm gonna make some breakfast." He looked beyond her to the children in the living room and called, "who wants what in their pancakes?"

"Chocolate chips!" Jesse and Luca answered in unison.

"Alright, good choice." He looked back at Amanda and his brows knitted together. He set a palm on her shoulder and squeezed as he studied her face with obvious concern. "You okay?" he wondered.

"Yeah." It wasn't necessarily the truth, but she didn't want to talk about Esther in front of the kids. She offered Sonny a weak smile. "I just need some coffee."

" _Mamaaaa_ ," Ruby babbled more insistently in her arms, pressing her wet face into the side of Amanda's before grabbing a fistful of her mother's hair and yanking it.

"Ow, yes, Ruby, I'm right here, holdin' you. We can't get any closer," Amanda chuckled as she flinched.

"She's enterin' that phase where you're the only person she's interested in," Sonny sighed, casting an amused grin over his shoulder as he tugged open the refrigerator door. "What d'you want in your pancakes?"

Amanda shook her head. "I'm alright. Coffee's fine."

"I'll make ya one anyway, for when you get jealous of all of ours," he concluded with a smirk as he pulled a bowl from a cabinet by the stove. After a minute of assembling all of the ingredients for pancakes, he cast another glance over at Amanda. Voice lower than before, he told her, "got the mail this mornin'... Luca's preschool is goin' up two hundred bucks a month next semester."

Her stomach lurched with anxiety but outwardly, she scowled. "Seriously?"

"Yep. I dunno what we're payin' them so much for, besides makin' sure he's alive at the end of every day," he grumbled as he cracked eggs into a bowl, "and sometimes I'm not so sure they're competent at doin' that..."

"It's a good school, Sonny," Amanda sighed. Just as she went to open her mouth again, her phone buzzed in the back pocket of her jeans. Adjusting Ruby on her hip, she freed the device to see two messages from Mia. The first was a text: _thought you might want to see the latest sonogram._ Below it was an ultrasound image: the perfect black and white silhouette of Leo in her womb at thirty-three weeks gestation. "Oh, Sonny, look," Amanda breathed excitedly, now sufficiently distracted from both Luca's tuition and her struggles around Esther. "Look what Mia just texted me."

"Hm?" Sonny wandered over to her and curiously peered over her shoulder.

"It's a sonogram," she explained, "it's Leo."

"Oh, hey, there he is." Chest against Amanda's back, Sonny leaned over her shoulder further to study the photo more closely, the grin evident in his voice. "He's lookin' good."

"I wanna see! I wanna see!" Luca cried from the couch.

"Me too!" Jesse chirped.

"C'mere, come see," Sonny beckoned them both.

The two children scampered from the living room into the kitchen to clamber up onto stools at the island. The crowded close to Amanda, who stood in between both of them.

"This is a picture from inside Mia's belly," Amanda explained, trying to keep the phone away from Ruby's eager fingers while simultaneously showing her two older children. "That's his head, there's his little hand... and there's his foot. See that?"

"He's waving!" Luca exclaimed with a laugh, as if it was the funniest thing he had ever seen.

"You're right," Sonny chuckled, "he is."

"When's he gonna be here?" the little boy whined.

"Very soon. Christmas time, remember?" Amanda reminded him. She smiled down at Luca, "you're so excited to meet him, huh?"

Luca nodded. "Uh huh."

"Is Santa gonna know to bring him presents?" Jesse wondered, appearing very serious.

"Maybe you guys should mention him in your letters this year, just to be sure," Sonny suggested.

"Okay," she replied, "I'll do that."

"That's very nice of you," Amanda told her, relieved every time her oldest daughter made any sort of remark indicating that she was accepting of the idea of a new baby.

The little girl nodded eagerly. "Santa likes when kids do nice things. Maybe I'll get an extra present," Jesse explained with the sort of Georgia-peach-sweetness that Amanda could only laugh at.

* * *

Amanda nibbled on a chocolate chip cookie in the basement of the Battery Park Community Center. Her Gambler's Anonymous meeting was over that evening, but several of the members lingered to socialize around leftover refreshments. Her blue eyes flickered to the watch on her thin wrist; Sonny was supposed to meet her there so they could walk to the train together.

"Amanda, long-time no-see."

She turned around to see an older woman, Nora, who had been a part of Gambler's Anonymous since Amanda had joined years ago. She always had such a warm, supportive energy; Amanda found solace simply being around her. Apparently Nora had lived quite the chaotic life, but one would never know it from her peaceful demeanor now. She hadn't gambled, drank or done drugs in thirty years. "Hey," she replied with a sheepish smile. "Yeah, I know... it's been awhile."

"How are those beautiful babies of yours?" Nora wondered with a grin.

A smile tugged at her lips. "They're doin' really well, thank you for asking."

"And that handsome husband?"

"He's great, too. He's meetin' me here, actually."

"And how are you, more importantly?" Nora coaxed her gently, "you didn't say much tonight."

She picked a chocolate chip out of her cookie before meeting Nora's eyes. "I needed to do more listening than talking," she admitted.

The older woman nodded in quiet understanding.

"I'm good, though. I don't even want to gamble necessarily..." Scrunching her nose up at the cookie in her hands, Amanda tossed the remainder of it in the trash, officially disinterested. "Just some other stuff goin' on..."

"Well, we're here for all of it, you know that," Nora reminded her, reaching out to give Amanda's arm a gentle squeeze.

She nodded appreciatively. "I know."

"See you next week?" the older woman asked hopefully.

"Yeah," Amanda replied, appreciative of Nora's genuine interest in her well-being.

Left alone, she dusted any remaining cookie crumbs off of her palms before wandering upstairs. Bundled up in her coat, Amanda waited in the community center's darkened lobby; it was too cold outside to wait for Sonny on the sidewalk. She recognized his lanky form the moment he quickly rounded the corner, his familiar frame hunched over slightly as he braced himself against the frigid air, hands shoved into the pockets of a camel-colored pea coat. When Amanda emerged from the building, he skidded to a halt inches in front of her.

"Hey," she greeted Sonny. She rose up on her toes to give him a quick peck on the lips and found that his mouth was pleasantly warm in comparison to the chilly wind around them.

"Hi." Sonny's gloved hands briefly cupped her face before he slipped one set of fingers into hers. They began walking down the street, their pace immediately steady and evenly matched despite their differences in height. "How was the meeting?"

"S'alright." She cast him a sideways glance, her free hand tugging her beanie further over her ears. "You finish up those reports?"

"Yes, Sarge," he smirked. "Let's get a drink."

Amanda quirked a suspicious eyebrow at his suggestion. It was a Tuesday night, Sonny had worked late, she had just left Gambler's Anonymous, and they had three children at home with Audrey. It wasn't necessarily abnormal for them to steal an hour or two alone before returning to Queens, but Amanda's ordeal with Esther hadn't exactly left her feeling like the life of the party lately.

"C'mon, we got time," he insisted earnestly, looking at his watch. "Let's stop into Max's."

"Okay," she sighed.

There were a few people taking refuge from the cold inside of Max's, but the bar was generally quiet. They ordered their drinks - an IPA for Sonny and a whiskey neat for Amanda - before finding a booth by a window to sit at together.

Sonny shook off his coat, then his suit jacket, before he leaned over the table like he was going to tell Amanda a secret. "I got some good news." He grinned widely and waggled his eyebrows. "I've been waitin' all day to tell you in person."

She took a sip of her whiskey before replying distractedly, "hm?" Her eyes darted around the bar, interested in who else was lurking there on week day night.

"Y'know my uncle's place, in Tom's River?" Sonny continued.

Amanda focused her gaze back on her husband, jarred back into the present as she vividly recalled the location where her son was abducted to by his crazy ex-girlfriend not so long ago. "How could I forget?" she muttered cynically.

"Well, my mother finally went up there to clean some stuff out," he said after a swig of beer, "y'know how she's been avoidin' it for awhile. She was goin' through all the rooms and pulled the fridge away from the wall-"

"What the hell was she doing, doing that?" she interrupted in disbelief. She wasn't sure she had ever felt compelled to move a refrigerator in her entire life, no matter how deeply she was cleaning.

"You know her, she gets kinda outta control when it comes to cleanin'," Sonny explained with a roll of his eyes. "Anyway, she goes to get behind the fridge and she finds this... thing, this file folder down there." He turned in his seat and fumbled with his suit jacket, brandishing a manila envelope which he had folded in half. He slid it across the table toward her once it was flattened. "It was filled with a buncha paperwork from an old job he had with the state of Connecticut. Apparently he had a deferred compensation retirement fund there and named me the beneficiary. Nobody knew about it when he died; he hadn't worked there in eight years and it was different from the pension he had been gettin'." He opened up the envelope and pulled out the contents, turning a document to face her. "She dropped this off to me today..." He pointed to first section of the paperwork. "There's nineteen thousand, sixty-seven dollars and fifty-two cents in there."

Brow knitting together, Amanda's gaze dropped to Sonny's finger as her eyes scanned the words on the page. "This... this account? This is for you?"

"Yeah," he responded eagerly, "it's just been sittin' there, accruin' interest, waitin' for me to claim it as the beneficiary. It's not like anybody from the company was gonna go out of their way to track me down when he died."

Her mouth dropped open in amazement, blue eyes flickering over the document repeatedly to make sure he had read it correctly - and that she was reading it correctly now, too. She picked the statement up off of the table and leaned back into the booth, gaze narrow and almost accusatory as she studied the quantity of money. Her heartbeat began to quicken as she realized that, yes, the comma and decimal points were all precisely in the places Sonny said they were.

"We can knock out almost all of that debt, Amanda," he breathed excitedly. "We can finally get ahead of it."

Amanda set the paper down again and lifted her eyes to meet her husband's. She sucked her lower lip into her mouth as it began to tremble, trying to keep herself from succumbing to the overwhelming urge to cry.

"Don't cry," Sonny chuckled, reaching for her hand and squeezing her fingers.

Amanda quickly flicked away any hint of tears and shook her head. "No, it's just... I did something the other day," she admitted.

He immediately appeared concerned. "What did you do?"

"I... went to church," she confessed.

Sonny made the mistake of taking a massive swig of his beer precisely when she answered his question - which he promptly began to choke on. "You _what?_ " Sonny coughed, his eyes wide both with shock and his effort to breathe.

She chewed her thumbnail as she watched him attempt to collect himself; his reaction was understandable. "I was walkin' by and just... went in," Amanda mumbled. She lowered her eyes from Sonny to gaze into her whiskey, swirling the amber liquid around in the glass gently. "I dunno, you always go when something is bothering you. I figured I could use all the help I could get and... the reverend there, I was talking to him about how this Esther thing... how I can't understand how this happened, how it happened this way and, and why'd it have to happen now, y'know? With Leo comin', I wanted to feel like a good person, a good mom, and now I'm second guessing everything... and..." She lifted her gaze to meet Sonny's, "he told me something."

He cleared his throat and took another, cautious sip of his beer. "What'd he say?"

"He said," Amanda went on slowly, "to... trust in God's timing."

There was a distinct glint in Sonny's blue eyes, as if he had been vindicated - as if he had spent their entire relationship waiting for this very moment. "I see," he replied simply, very obviously fighting a smile as he lifted his glass to his mouth again.

She looked down at the retirement statement, at the quantity of money she had only ever seen before in the negatives. She felt a sense of relief take the edge off of the sadness and worry that had been weighing so heavily on her lately. "So maybe..."

"Maybe...?" Sonny coaxed her.

"Maybe... there's somethin' to the stuff you're always saying," Amanda mumbled, as if it pained her to admit such a thing.

"The 'stuff,' huh?" he repeated skeptically, an eyebrow raised. "Alright, I'll take that."

"With the baby and everything," she whispered reverently, "the timing really is..."

Sonny smiled as he completed her sentence, "perfect?"

Amanda nodded, the corners of her own mouth flickering and turning upward. "Yeah."

* * *

Straddling his lower back, knees settled into the mattress, Amanda's hands traveled along Sonny's spine. "There?"

"No, lower," he instructed, voice muffled as his head rested on his folded arms.

With steady pressure, her fingers obediently crept downward. "There?"

"Ow, shit!" he yelped, his body reacting so dramatically that he practically knocked Amanda off of his form.

"Guess I found it," she smirked triumphantly. Once Sonny laid flat once more, her thumb slid deliberately along the stretch of knotted muscle beneath his warm, freshly-showered skin. "Are you ever gonna go to a doctor about this?"

"No. You know how - ah! - I feel about medical institutions," he replied, flinching beneath her touch before relaxing again. "Plus, you always fix it."

She rolled her eyes. "Mm."

"Did you see Jesse's math worksheet on the counter?" he murmured sleepily.

"Yeah, you guys were working on that for hours," she sighed. "She's not so good at subtraction, huh? Must get that from her mama."

"She gets so pissed off when she doesn't get the answer right. Gets that from you, too." She could hear the smirk in Sonny's voice.

"Declan was never so great at bein' wrong either," she reminded him with a little grin. Enough time had passed that his name didn't make their stomachs churn with dread anymore. In fact, sometimes Amanda felt a tiny pinprick of guilt when Declan crossed her mind; she definitely did not miss him, but she did hope that he was doing okay. "With this Esther thing, I thought about him," she went on to admit, "how he'd handle it and what he'd tell me, y'know?"

"Mm," he grunted. "What would he say?"

Amanda paused thoughtfully before she offered one of the lieutenant's old, familiar platitudes: "'what doesn't kill you makes you a better detective.'"

"Does that make you feel better?" Sonny sounded genuinely curious.

She released a sigh as her fingers relented against his muscles, tracing gentler patterns against his back instead. "Maybe it would have years ago, when bein' a detective was all I ever cared about."

"That was Murphy's problem," he murmured, "his job was his whole life. That's all he ever cared about."

"Yeah," Amanda exhaled, then shrugged. "And I dunno what's really gonna make me feel better about it besides time, I guess."

Sonny nodded. "I think you're right."

Sonny's phone buzzed on the mattress. He extended one arm and reached for it, expending the minimum amount of effort to jab at the 'speaker phone' option to answer his sister Teresa's call. "Hey, T," he said, immediately flopping back down to rest his head on his arms again.

"Hi, Teresa," Amanda greeted her.

"Oh, I'm glad I've got you both," Teresa's voice rang out from the device.

"What's up?" he wondered.

"Mia's in labor!" his sister exclaimed.

Amanda froze, shocked, then scrambled off of Sonny's back to kneel on the mattress closer to phone, as if she hadn't heard correctly. "Huh?" she sputtered, "she's like... five weeks early!"

"I know, I know! But she's definitely in labor. She's young, first baby... you know how it goes, Amanda," Teresa rambled frantically. "I think it's gonna be awhile but, I know with the kids, d'you want to bring them to mom and dad's? I'm assumin' you want to be here-"

"Of course we do," Sonny interrupted as he struggled to sit up. He ran a hand through his damp hair and looked at Amanda with wide eyes. "We'll, ah, we'll call mom and we'll put everybody in the car and go over there."

"Do you even have stuff ready for the baby yet?" Teresa asked.

Amanda's mouth fell open, insulted at the insinuation that she and Sonny weren't prepared for something this important - as if they hadn't already spent years being parents.

"Nah. Amanda and me just figured we'd keep him in the yard till we sorted it out," Sonny responded sarcastically. "That sound good?"

"Dominick!" Teresa gasped.

"That was a really stupid question," he muttered. Shaking his head, he continued, "okay. We're gonna get the kids together and get goin'. Keep us posted, would ya?"

"I will," his sister replied.

"Is Mia doing okay?" Amanda asked, her mounting excitement overriding her irritation with Teresa. She clambered off of the bed, now unable to stay sitting - or still.

"She's nervous," Teresa explained, "aside from bein' early, everything is goin' fine so far. I'm just tryin' to keep her calm."

Amanda and Sonny exchanged skeptical looks; Teresa was not exactly the most relaxing presence. "Tell her we'll be there as soon as possible," Amanda assured her.


	54. Chapter 54

**AN:** Feelings, fluff, smut, oh my!

* * *

 _the answers were there / when I stared into you_

* * *

"Mama, please can I come? Please?" Luca pleaded, hopping around at his parents' feet in the kitchen of his grandparents' home.

"Lu, it's way too late for you to be up and it's gonna be awhile," Amanda reminded the little boy, both palms wrapped around a steaming mug of coffee. She waggled her eyebrows behind the sweep of her blonde bangs. "I already told you that."

With a pout, Luca turned his big blue eyes on his father. "Daddy, please?"

Sonny offered him a playfully chastising look. "What'd your mother just say?" he challenged his son after a gulp of his own coffee.

" _Pleeeeaseee?_ I wanna see my brother!" Luca dramatically dropped to his knees on the tiles before crumpling completely to belly-flop onto the floor. His limbs spread out like a star, he flailed them, then he stilled with a huff.

"You better not let your grandpa see you like that," Sonny chided him with a chuckle he couldn't contain, although Amanda was sure he possessed a fleeting desire to discipline his son. After a moment of eyeing the little boy stubbornly face-down before them, Sonny heaved a defeated sigh. He hauled Luca up off of the tiles and held him instead, the little boy's limbs wrapping around his father's waist and neck even though he was scowling. "C'mon, gimme a hug and go back upstairs," Sonny coaxed him. "He'll be home with us before ya know it."

"Mama..." Luca moaned, wriggling in his father's arms and rolling his head back like he was pained.

Moving in close to her husband, Amanda abandoned her mug and carded a set of fingers through her son's thick hair, the strands as bright blonde as her own. "Go on, bed time," she insisted. "The answer's not gonna change."

With another dramatic huff, Luca wiggled from Sonny's arms and slid to his feet to stand on the floor again. He stomped away from his parents and up the the stairs with his little fists in balls at his side.

Amanda rolled her eyes and rested her elbows on the countertop so she could cradle her head in her hands. Her mind was racing. "I'm really nervous," she admitted to the formica, "I just hope the baby's okay, and Mia's okay..."

"Now you know how I've felt all these times with you," she heard Sonny reply.

The comment was lost on her; she was too wrapped up in her mounting apprehension. She dragged her fingers through her hair as she stood up straight again. Turning around, she leaned her back against the counter and crossed her arms over her chest, eying her husband - who looked much more relaxed than she felt. "You don't think..."

Standing before her, Sonny appeared confused over the rim of his cup. "Huh?"

"You don't think she's gonna change her mind? Once she sees him?" Amanda clarified.

"Mia wouldn't do that," Sonny exclaimed, shaking his head quickly as if it was the most absurd thing he had ever heard in his thirty-something years on earth. "She'd never do that to us. No way."

"I just... havin' a baby, though," she pressed him further. "You don't really get it, what it's like to actually _have_ one. It's an intense thing..."

He shook his head again, skepticism etched onto his features. "'Manda, c'mon. She knows how serious this is," he scoffed, "this is a legal transaction-"

"Not yet it isn't," she reminded him.

Sonny visibly bridled. "Well, then, this is family," he concluded firmly, tone indicating that this topic was nearing its conclusion. "This is family helpin' family and that means more than anything." After a moment he appeared sheepish at his own intensity and a small, hopeful grin formed on his lips. He reached his hand over to squeeze her shoulder, "don't worry, okay? This is a good thing."

She found the look on his face endearing; his positivity was palpable. Amanda nodded and mirrored his smile, finding both relief and distraction in the glimmer of excitement in his eyes. "You're right. I just can't wait to have him with us already." She pressed her free palm against her sternum like she was attempting to calm her racing heart from the outside, then exhaled audibly. "I felt like it was never gonna actually happen..."

Grinning, Sonny closed the space between them and kissed her. When he pulled back just slightly, he took her chin in between his thumb and forefinger, blue eyes searching her face. "You alright?"

Amanda settled her hands on his waist and nodded sincerely. "I'm alright. Are you alright?"

"I'm alright," Sonny promised. He gave her another kiss. "Let's go."

 **xxx**

"Hi," Amanda greeted the nurses behind the window at the Staten Island University Hospital Labor and Delivery unit as she began to shimmy off her coat. "We're here for Mia Moreno."

"Alright..." a brunette in pink scrubs replied with a smile as she clicked around on her computer. Both of her eyebrows rose as she seemed catch sight of something particular on her screen, then she looked up at Amanda and Sonny again. "Does she know you're coming? She's in active labor..."

They exchanged glances before Sonny told the nurse, "uh, well, her mother does."

The nurse rose to her feet. "Give me a second, okay?" she told them before she left her desk and disappeared out of their line of sight.

Amanda and Sonny didn't have time to talk before Teresa suddenly came scurrying over to them, appearing frazzled and distracted. "Hi. Hi, guys," she greeted them breathlessly. She gave them each a brief hug.

"How is she?" Amanda and Sonny asked anxiously in unison.

"She's doin' alright. Pretty uncomfortable now," Teresa explained, "I tried to convince her to get an epidural but she took one look at the needle and puked..."

Sonny cringed. "Sheesh..."

"Can we see her?" Amanda wondered, voice hopeful.

Teresa shook her head and offered her a small smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. "I don't think she's up for visitors right now... plus, they technically only allow two people in the delivery room, so..."

"Alright, that's okay. I get it," Amanda said quickly, awkwardly, not wanting to overstep any boundaries - but at the same time not quite sure what the boundaries were. She looked tentatively over at Sonny. "We'll just wait."

"Ms. Moreno?" The same brunette nurse that had greeted them earlier reappeared, this time looking for Teresa. "Mia's asking for you."

"I'll be back out when I can," Teresa promised Amanda and Sonny hastily, beginning to back away from the both them. "Just hang tight, okay?"

 **xxx**

"Sonny? Amanda?"

Amanda's eyes flew open at the sound of her name, disoriented. She blinked her surroundings into focus: ugly sea green wallpaper, messy piles of old magazines, a carpet that looked like it had been nearly paced through thousands of times... and Teresa was hovering, gently shaking her brother's shoulder. Sonny was right beside Amanda, slumped in one of the uncomfortable, institutional couches on the Labor and Delivery floor for hours now. Her legs were bent over his lap and her head was against his shoulder, and she couldn't quite remember what time the both of them had given in to sleep, but her watch now read five o'clock in the morning. They had spent the majority of last night moving from the waiting room, to the cafeteria, back to the waiting room again, anxious for bits and pieces of information on Mia's progress from Teresa until neither of them could keep their eyes open any longer.

"He's finally here," Teresa announced wearing a weary smile. "You guys wanna meet him?"

"Huh? What? Yeah!" Sonny babbled, jerking to attention, roughly rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

They quickly untangled their limbs and clambered to their feet. Amanda's heart began to pound in her chest as she and Sonny began to follow his sister to Mia's room. She entered right behind Teresa, now as awake as she had ever been.

"Mia? Hi - oh..." Amanda's breath caught in her chest when she saw Mia holding a swaddled infant in her arms - _Leo._ He appeared smaller than any of Amanda's children had been when they were born, but his face was full and round and the familiar Carisi button nose sat cutely in between his rosy cheeks. His head was covered in a smattering of fuzzy dark brown hair and one little hand had escaped his blanket to sit curled up by his mouth. Amanda tried to read the expression on Mia's face: she looked exhausted, of course, but to Amanda's relief she was wearing a smile.

"Hi, guys," Mia greeted them. She gingerly adjusted herself to sit up a little straighter. "He's here..." she told them quietly, "come hold him."

Amanda and Sonny approached her bedside and Mia carefully passed the baby to Amanda first. Her heart was still racing as she took him into her arms, aware that this moment was unconventional and strange but selfishly focused on the little boy she had been yearning for. "He's beautiful," she breathed reverently. Keeping him cradled with one arm, she used her free hand to graze a gentle knuckle against one of Leo's soft cheeks; there was nothing like the feeling of warm, new baby skin. _This_ baby's skin. All at once she felt a rush of emotion, her eyes burning and throat tightening, overwhelmed by the distant but distinct memory of the miscarriage that had haunted her until that very moment. Then, just then, she felt like something inside of her slotted into place, quieting the lingering ache that kept her wondering _what if?_ late at night.

Amanda bit the inside of her cheek and swallowed down her tears, determined to keep her composure. "He's perfect," she concluded softly, speaking the words directly to the baby so she was sure that he knew it. In this moment and all of the moments going forward, Leo's biological father was irrelevant; Ethan was reduced down to a bit of DNA that would never impact how much Leo was loved. Sonny hovered close behind Amanda; _he_ was Leo's dad. He was gazing down at the infant with a smile that lit up all of his tired features, and that made Amanda grin, too.

"He's only five and a half pounds..." Mia explained, sounding almost bashful, as if she had done something wrong. "The nurses say he's okay, though, as long as he eats."

"He's a Carisi, he'll eat. Won't ya, buddy?" Sonny insisted cheerfully, very obviously bursting with the same sort of pride he did when he spoke of his three other children. One of his big palms rounded over the baby's small head lovingly, his other hand settling on Amanda's shoulder where he squeezed her gently.

"Because he's technically premature, he'll have to stay here a couple days," Teresa added as she hovered by the head of her daughter's bed. "Y'know, to get his weight up a bit."

"That's okay, that's alright," Amanda assured both women hastily. "It doesn't matter, as long as he's okay." As difficult as it was to tear her eyes away from the bundle in her arms, she looked up directly at Mia to ask, "are you alright, Mia? How are you feeling?"

"Really tired," Mia replied with a weary smile, "and hungry."

Amanda nodded with genuine empathy. "I bet."

"Mom says the lawyer's gonna come by tomorrow with all the paperwork..." the younger woman went on, casting a glance over at Teresa as if she was looking for permission.

"We'll be here," Sonny assured his niece.

Amanda's gaze flickered back down to Leo, whose nose and eyes scrunched up before his little mouth stretched open in a yawn. "He really is perfect, Mia," she repeated quietly before she turned inward and carefully handed the baby over to Sonny, who eagerly took him into his own arms. She pressed closed into his side, her arm winding around his back, watching as he he took in the sight of the infant who would now become his youngest son.

"Hey, buddy," Sonny cooed to Leo quietly, "we sure are glad you're here."

 **xxx**

Sonny quietly rapped on the door of Mia's hospital room. When he heard his niece's voice call _come in_ in response, he slipped inside. Leo was sleeping in the bassinet beside Mia's bed; he was born just seven hours ago. Mia was sitting up, thumbing through her phone, and Sonny wondered if this was strange for her. She had just given birth to a child and she wasn't bonding with him - she could have been, but it would not have been wise. Sonny had only ever been witness to the birth of his own children - he had seen how Amanda's eyes had lit up with adoration, felt his own heart swell with pride - so it was odd to see a parent so disconnected from their own baby. Then again, Mia's distance from Leo was what made room for Sonny and Amanda to become his mother and father instead.

"Hey," Sonny greeted her. "Your mom and Amanda went to get some coffee. You sure you don't want anything?"

Mia looked up from her phone, smiled and shook her head. "I'm good."

Sonny perched himself at the end of Mia's bed. "I know the lawyer's comin' soon, but I wanted to talk to you first."

She frowned. "What's wrong, Uncle Sonny?"

"No, nothing, absolutely nothing is wrong," he insisted hastily. He offered her a sheepish smile as he explained, "I just, ah, you know how much this means to me and Amanda, but..." His expression turned serious. "I don't want you to think I've forgotten how all this started. I still think about what you went through all the time - what you're still goin' through."

Mia was silent for a moment as she toyed with her phone in her lap. She eventually met her uncle's eyes as she said quietly, "I hope you don't still feel like that... situation is your fault."

"I just worry about you, is all," Sonny admitted. "I can't help it. You're my niece."

"It's gonna be okay, Uncle Sonny," she promised with a little smile. "It's gonna be better this way. I made this choice for a reason."

"I know you're doin' what's best for the baby, but somebody's gotta look out for you, too. You've got your mom, but she can be kinda... well, y'know." He clapped his hand over her blanket clad foot. "So I just wanted to remind you that me and Amanda, we're always here, if you ever need us. I don't want you thinkin' that's changed with us adoptin' the baby."

"I know that," Mia nodded. "This is a new start." With a sigh, she leaned back and gave her uncle a timid smile. "I've just gotta figure out what exactly I'm starting..."

 **xxx**

The family lawyer, Brady Clark, laid out paperwork on the table in Mia's hospital room. He looked especially sharp in his navy three-piece suit in comparison to the Carisis and Morenos, who were rumpled and sleep-deprived from spending almost two entire days waiting for - and now spending time with - Leo. Amanda was certainly tired but she didn't care what she looked like; she was simply happy to be sitting on that vinyl couch with her baby cradled close against her chest. Every now and then she peered down to see Leo's little face resting on her shoulder, blinking up at her drowsily, and she lost focus on whatever other conversation was happening in the room. When Brady showed up, however, Amanda made sure to pay attention.

"The original birth certificate, filled out by Mia, will be sealed," Brady began to explain to everyone. He held up one document and turned to Amanda and Sonny on the couch. "This is the form that you two will fill out to create a new birth certificate. It has both of your names on it, Leo's name... once you sign it, it goes to the Vital Records department and you'll receive the new, official copy from the state of New York in a few weeks."

"Once this is done, you and Sonny are allowed to leave the hospital with the baby with Mia's permission," Brady continued. "From that point forward, after forty-five days, the adoption is permanent. Irreversible." He looked between Mia and Teresa, over at Amanda and Sonny, then back to Mia again. "Is everybody clear?"

"Uh huh," Sonny said as Amanda nodded by his side.

"Yes," Mia agreed.

"Good." Brady slid a form in front of Amanda, along with a pen. "Now, Amanda, Sonny, if you two will just look this over and make sure everything seems right..." He offered them a playful grin. "Sure you don't wanna change his name? Last chance..."

"Nah. He's been Leo to us for awhile now," Sonny assured the lawyer with a smile.

"Very good." Brady's features went serious again as he turned to Mia once more. "Mia, do you have any questions at all?"

Amanda lifted her eyes from the document on the table, her heart suddenly in her throat. She tightened her arms around Leo, the movement imperceptible but the response automatic. Despite how thrilled she was upon Leo's birth, it didn't totally quell her anxiety around the circumstances. She still wondered if seeing Leo would be a powerful enough experience to change Mia's mind around giving him up for adoption, and while on some level Amanda would understand it, it would still devastate her. She cast a quick, nervous glance over at Sonny, but he was leisurely reading over the paperwork in front of them. He was so trusting; to him a promise between family was as good as any legal document.

Mia shook her head. "No. I feel good about this. This is what's best for the baby." She met Amanda's eyes. "For Leo."

* * *

"Hey, everybody, Leo's home!" Sonny called into his parent's house on a cold December Sunday. Exhausted but both wearing wide grins, he and Amanda stood in the threshold of the kitchen with a sleeping Leo in his carseat carrier between them. Nobody had met the baby yet; he had stayed four days in the hospital in order to monitor his eating and weight. Mia had been discharged two days earlier, but aside from a couple of curious text messages about Leo's progress, she had kept her distance.

"Lemme see!" Luca's voice shouted from the other room, the sound of his scampering feet preceding him. He barreled into the kitchen and skidded to a stop in front of his parents, immediately followed by Mrs. Carisi carrying Ruby on her hip, Jesse, then Dominick Sr. Luca peered into the carrier curiously. "That's my brother?" the little boy wondered.

"Mhm," Amanda nodded, crouching down to Leo's level to move the blanket away from the baby's face so Luca could get a clearer view. "That's your brother."

"Oh, look at him," Sonny's mother gasped, pressing a hand to her chest as she gazed down at the infant, "he's just precious!"

"He's so small, mama," Jesse observed, standing by Luca's side and looking at Amanda with a furrowed brow. "How come he's so small?"

"He was born a little bit before he was done growin', that's all," Sonny explained lightly.

To Amanda's relief, Jesse asked the same question she had when both Luca and Ruby had been born: "can I hold him?"

"Sure you can," Amanda replied, reaching into the carrier and pulling Leo from his confines to cradle him against her chest. She carefully stood upright again as she suggested, "let's all sit in the living room, huh?"

With Luca close at her heels, Jesse ran into the living room, jumped onto the couch and immediately stuck out both of arms, her little fingers wiggling in anticipation. The adults followed her, Amanda taking a seat on the other side of Jesse so she could gently pass her oldest daughter the bundled-up infant. "Remember, hold his head up," she reminded Jesse, gently readjusting the little girl's arms to hold the baby in a more relaxed way.

"Good job!" Mrs. Carisi praised her from the armchair where she sat with Ruby on her lap. "You're a pro at this by now."

Jesse beamed proudly at the compliment; Leo was almost irrelevant as long as somebody was acknowledging that she was good at something.

"How's Mia doin'?" Dominick Sr. wondered, perching himself on the arm of his wife's seat.

"Pretty good," Sonny replied, dropping down to sit next to Luca in order to supervise how he crowded Jesse's side. "No complications or anything. She went home a couple days ago."

Dominick narrowed his eyes on his son. "Did you get all the paperwork with the lawyer squared away?"

"Yeah, what could be done," Sonny nodded, gaze flickering between Luca and his father. "Went over it with everybody right after he was born."

"Well, where is it?" he pressed.

"I dunno, dad," Sonny sighed, rubbing his eyes. "In the car somewhere?"

"Maybe you should-"

"Dominick, please," Mrs. Carisi interjected wearily, "the baby just got home. Give 'em a second to breathe."

"Can I touch his head, mama?" Luca asked, enviously focused on his older sister holding Leo, his hand already hovering over the baby's face.

"Sure," Amanda agreed before adding, " _nicely._ "

Dominick opened his mouth again to offer casually: "He's a handsome kid. Thank God he doesn't look like E-"

"Yeah, we know," Sonny interrupted, holding a hand up to indicate that the topic of Ethan was definitely not up for discussion now - and probably not ever.

* * *

Amanda woke with a start. She blinked the room into focus: the bed was a mess of tangled sheets and Sonny's side was empty. Her head felt woozy, like she was drunk, but she knew she was only exhausted. Uncoordinated fingers grappled for her phone on her nightstand: the screen revealed that it was three sixteen in the morning. With a huff, she released the device and looked back over at the empty expanse of mattress. She and Sonny were alternating feeding Leo, which meant they each got to steal a couple of hours of sleep every time the other one was awake downstairs.

Sitting up, she switched on the light and slowly made her way out of bed. She plucked her Atlanta Braves sweatshirt up from off of the floor and tugged it on over her t-shirt - which was now stained with formula - before scraping her hair back into a ponytail. Barefoot, she crept out of the bedroom and into the dark hallway, then padded softly down the stairs. Almost at the bottom, she paused when she heard Sonny talking to someone. Her brow furrowed in confusion as she peered around the corner to see his lanky frame moving around the kitchen, dressed in the gray sweatpants and the wrinkled white t-shirt he had fallen sleep in a few hours ago. There was a shadow of stubble along his jaw and the salt and pepper coloring around his temples appeared more pronounced with how disheveled his mass of hair was, but despite how rumpled he looked, he was assembling a bottle with precision.

"Alright, little guy. I know your mother only gave you two ounces earlier, but I'm gonna give you three," Sonny spoke as he measured out the powdered formula. He cast a glance over his shoulder at the baby in his swing in the adjacent living room as he added water then twisted on the cap. "Y'know why?" he continued as he put the completed bottle in the microwave, "'cause I think you can handle it." He jabbed at the appropriate numbers to allow the bottle to heat briefly. "We gotta get you growin', alright? It's important. You've gotta lot of things to accomplish. You could be a basketball player like your old man. Although clearly that didn't get me very far..." He gave a cynical snort at his own comment before adding, "you get my point. Or maybe you don't, since you're only eighteen days old... but my point is, I love ya and I wanna see you do some great stuff. So does your mother. Your brother and sisters, too, they just don't know it yet..."

Grinning, Amanda steepled her fingers over her mouth to keeping from laughing, although her heart was growing big and warm in her chest. After composing herself, she opted to take the final step down onto the landing and clear her throat loudly instead.

Shaking up the warmed bottle, Sonny turned around, eyes wide with surprise at the sight of her. "Hey, what are you doin' up?"

"No idea. Just am." Amanda shrugged as she padded toward Leo. She carefully removed him from the swing and held him upright against her chest, where he made little grunts and whimpers but didn't cry. She leaned her cheek against the top of his head and swayed gently; fluctuating around six pounds, it was as if she was barely holding him at all.

He nodded and yawned as he shuffled toward the couch and dropped down into the cushions. He waved her over and she joined him, first passing the baby over to Sonny before she settled down next to him. She curled her legs underneath her, resting her knees up against the side of his thigh as she watched him nudge the tip of the bottle's nipple into Leo's mouth. The baby initially scrunched up his face in protest and Sonny grunted in disapproval, then Leo acquiesced and began to drink in earnest. Amanda released the breath she hadn't realized she had been holding and relaxed deeper into the couch. Since Leo was born so small, gaining weight now that he was out of the hospital was the main priority. Every time he was fed, she experienced a twinge of anxiety, because it wasn't as simple as it had been with her other children. The nurses had warned them that it would take extra encouragement to get him to eat as much as he should.

She rested her elbow on the back of the couch and dropped the side of her head in her palm as she studied Sonny's profile. "So, what were you guys talking about?"

Sonny's brows knitted together. "Huh?"

A little smile toyed at the corners of her lips. "Seemed like a pretty one-sided conversation."

"Oh. Y'heard that," he mumbled sheepishly.

The hand holding up her head toyed languidly with a stray strand of her hair, which desperately needed to be washed. "Mhm."

Sonny's gaze lingered on Leo, who was still dutifully drinking, then he looked over at Amanda. He appeared uneasy as he admitted, "I'm just a little worried, is all."

Amanda frowned. Her fingers stopped toying with her hair as her blue eyes searched his features. "'Bout what?"

He released a sigh as Leo spit out the nipple of the bottle, his little mouth suddenly sealed shut. "He's so tiny..." Sonny answered her, leaning in to set the bottle on the coffee table despite the fact that it still had milk inside. He shifted the baby so he was sitting up, using one of his big hands to brace him and another to give him a series of pats on the back to burp him. "He's gonna gain weight and stuff, right? Be normal?" he concluded, his worried gaze meeting Amanda's eyes.

Her frown deepened. "Yeah, Sonny," she insisted softly, shifting closer to him. She dropped her hand away from her head and let it linger at the nape of Sonny's neck. "He's just gotta keep eating. The doctor said he could even gain up to a pound a week." She gave the muscles at the base of his skull a reassuring rub. "He's gettin' there. Don't worry."

Leo hiccuped and his eyes began to drift shut as he fell asleep; it was a struggle to keep him awake long enough to eat. "I just want him to be healthy, like our other kids. That's all," Sonny explained, carefully repositioning the baby to attempt to feed him again. He hovered the bottle over Leo's face, waiting for the moment when he could sneak it back into his mouth.

"Me too." Amanda reached over and toyed with Leo's tiny bare feet, running her thumb along the soft soles and over his little toes. She thought it might get him to wake up, but he didn't seem fazed. Instead, she leaned in, took a gentle hold of both of his ankles and peppered both of his feet in kisses. Leo began to wriggle and mewl, his eyes slowly blinking open in response to the sensation. "Oh, there you are," she cooed with a smile, peering up from his toes.

Seizing the opportunity, Sonny stuck the nipple of the bottle back between Leo's lips before the infant knew what was happening. He fussed for a few seconds before instinct took over and he began to drink again.

"See? It's alright," Amanda said as she sat up again, needing to convince herself just as much as Sonny.

Sonny cast a sideways glance over at her, giving her a coy smile that crinkled the corner of his eyes. "We're a good team, you and me."

"Yeah. We should get married and have some kids and stuff," she teased.

He waggled his eyebrows and chuckled. "Y'think so?"

"Mm." Amanda leaned in and kissed the corner of his mouth before she dropped her head to rest it against his shoulder. She let out a yawn and allowed her eyes to flutter shut. Her stomach growled. "I hope you're planning on feeding me next."

* * *

Amanda was leaned back against the headboard of she and Sonny's messy bed while Jesse climbed all over her as if she was a human jungle gym. With the remote in one hand she lazily thumbed through the television channels, but between her daughter's antics and how exhausted she was, her attempt was half-hearted. Jesse eventually straddled her mother's lap and gave a couple of enthusiastic bounces with her knees against the mattress. Amanda closed her eyes in frustration; only one more hour until her oldest had to go to bed. When Jesse stopped moving, Amanda felt her daughter's little fingers toying with her favorite necklace.

"Mama?" Jesse said.

"Hm?" Amanda grunted, too tired to bother opening her eyes again.

She felt Jesse tug at her jewelry. "What is this?"

Amanda reluctantly cracked open one eye and looked down at her chest. Jesse was rolling the tiny gold charm between her thumb and forefinger. "Huh?" she answered uselessly. "It's an arrowhead."

"How come?" Jesse pressed.

"How come what?" she sighed wearily.

"You wear it all the time?"

"'Cause it's special. I've had it since I first became a police officer. Courage, protection and... strength, I think. That's what an arrowhead means."

"I want one."

"Maybe I'll get you one when you're older."

"Can I be a police officer with you and dad, when I grow up?"

Amanda raised her eyebrows and looked at Jesse with an amused grin. "By the time you can be police officer, me and dad will be old and gray."

Jesse appeared confused. "Daddy's already gray."

"Mm. Good point," she grinned. With renewed interest, she picked up the remote again and began to flip through the television channels once more. Jesse slumped forward, wriggling around so she could lay on top of her mother, which was still somewhat obnoxious but at least it allowed Amanda to see the screen.

Sonny entered the room with Leo in his arms and Frannie at his feet. "What are you girls doin'?" he wondered as he carefully placed the baby in the bassinet near the end of the bed.

"Watchin' television," Jesse mumbled into Amanda's chest.

"You gotta do that directly on _top_ of your mother?" Sonny chuckled.

The little girl nodded. "Uh huh."

Amanda suddenly stopped listening to her husband and daughter. Her eyes were fixated on the television, her hand holding the remote frozen in mid-air. _Dateline_ was flashing images of the Labott family across the screen before replacing it with helicopter footage of the NYPD and NJPD siege on their household. Amanda could feel her heartbeat quickening as clips of private, disturbing Labott family movies came next, haunting scenes of the children engaging in cult-like rituals filling her bedroom. The narrator described it all with morbid intensity: " _...siblings had been suspected of stealing food and being disrespectful, authorities said. The children said they had been tied up with ropes at first and then, after learning to wriggle free, restrained with increasingly larger chains on and off over six years. Two of the Labott girls, eleven and fourteen, had been hastily released from their chains when police showed up. Children were deprived food and things other kids take for granted, such as toys and games, authorities explained. They were allowed to do little except write in journals that may corroborate the horrific stories they told investigators. Some suffered from severe malnutrition and muscle wasting. The eleven-year-old Labott daughter who was shackled to a bed had arms the size of an infant. Now-deceased Esther Labott, age twenty-seven, appeared-_ "

"Change that garbage," Sonny ordered sternly, immediately sitting down beside Amanda and reaching over for the remote.

Amanda jerked her hand away, oddly anxious to hear the television presentation even though it was making her warm and queasy. "Wait, no, I-"

"'Manda, c'mon. Stop," he pleaded with her, tugging at the device. He gave a quick tilt of his head in Jesse's direction, as if to say, _do you really want her seeing this?_ "C'mon."

Her eyes flickered from the screen, down to Jesse and over to Sonny before she tossed the remote over to him. She didn't even know why she wanted to hear what such a flimsy excuse for a news show had to say about an investigation that had so deeply traumatized her; it likely wouldn't tell her anything she didn't already know. Maybe she would always be a glutton for punishment. Amanda put both her arms around Jesse and swallowed down her nausea, unable to keep from wondering about the well-being of the remaining Labott children. They didn't know that she had been the one to fire the bullet that killed their oldest sister, but she still hoped for their forgiveness.

Sonny quickly changed the television over to the History Channel, prompting Amanda to roll her eyes. He stretched out his legs next to hers and bent an arm behind his head lazily as he leaned back against the headboard. For awhile, they all sat relaxed in silence, although Amanda's mind was still turning. Her fingers toyed with Jesse's hair, the little girl's breathing becoming slower and steadier as time passed until Amanda caught sight of her closed eyes.

"Y'think it's strange that Mia's gonna spend Christmas with her dad this year?" Amanda eventually wondered quietly, not wanting to wake the child now sleeping soundly on top of her.

"I don't think it's strange," Sonny told her. "I think this is part of Mia, y'know... this is her tryin' to reset herself. Tryin' to figure out what she's gonna do next."

"I hope she doesn't move back to Connecticut," she mused, brushing a lock of hair away from Jesse's pink cheek.

Sonny yawned and shook his head. "Nah. She couldn't wait to get outta there once Teresa told her they were movin' back to the city."

After a moment of quiet, Amanda looked over at him again and asked innocently, "what are you gonna get me for Christmas?"

He appeared thoughtful. "I'll... uh, pay your Bloomingdale's card," he offered.

She waggled her brows, eyes bright with mischief. "Can I put some more stuff on it first?"

Sonny cast her a warning look.

* * *

Sitting alone by the multicolored light of the Christmas tree, Amanda folded laundry. The monotony of the task was making it difficult for her to stay awake, as was the time - eleven o'clock at night was obscenely late to her now. Fighting a yawn, she tossed one of Sonny's ancient t-shirts back into the basket and pulled her hair out of its ponytail, officially defeated. She stretched out on the couch beneath a chenille knit blanket, rested a forearm over her eyes and allowed them to fall shut, savoring the way the plush cushions of the sectional cradled her tired limbs. It was a luxury to care for a five-week-old infant without having to simultaneously nurse her own recovering body back to health, but it was no less exhausting to figure out what their new 'normal' was with four children under the age of seven. So she enjoyed the momentary peace, allowing herself to drift into the hazy space between sleep and awake even though there was still a laundry basket filled with clean clothes to be organized.

She eventually heard Sonny's heavy footsteps coming down the stairs but her body felt too leaden to move or acknowledge him. She felt him approach her and as she fluttered her eyes open, she saw him maneuver his lanky frame above hers. His mouth immediately met her own and she smiled into the sensation. "Mmm, Sonny..." Amanda murmured sleepily against his lips. The rest of her body responded to his presence automatically: her legs parted to make room for his hips atop her own and her arms threaded loosely around his neck. "What's the-"

"He just fell asleep," Sonny answered her question before she needed to ask it: she was wondering where Leo was, although it wasn't as if he could go very far. Beneath the tangled blanket, one of Sonny's palms gripped her ass, hoisting her leg around his waist. "C'mon, we've got a little while with everybody sleepin' at the same time and I know you can be quiet if you try..." he goaded her, the smirk evident in his voice.

Amanda grinned. "Mhmm..." A hand slid between their bodies to palm him teasingly through the mesh fabric of his basketball shorts. Suddenly, she wasn't so tired anymore.

He released a low groan of approval before nuzzling his face into the crook of her neck. "God, shit, sometimes I get so jealous of the kids, hangin' on you all the time. Is that crazy?" he breathed hotly. "I know it's crazy, it's just, sometimes it's hard to share you..."

Her heart squeezed in her chest, overwhelmed with affection and desire for the man who had made her life this chaotically wonderful. Turning her head, she nipped at Sonny's earlobe before whispering against the shell of it, "you're crazy. You're crazy if you think there's anybody else I'd want hangin' on me but you." She peppered kisses against his cheek and along his jawline. "I'll always be yours first."

The hand against her hip started tugging at the waistband of her leggings, his fingertips dragging the fabric downward. "I just miss... _you._ "

"Baby," she whined. She arched her back beneath him, hips wriggling to facilitate his eager fingers even though their position wasn't making it easy to get her out of her clothes. "I'm right here."

"Mm," he rumbled into her mouth, "I love you..." He braced his weight on one forearm by her head, but his other hand slid beneath her t-shirt to roughly palm at her breast.

She kept her hips lifted to allow just one of her legs to bend and be freed from the dark fabric of her leggings and underwear, then she immediately wound her bare limb around his waist again in her impatience. "I love you," she answered him breathlessly, "so much." She writhed beneath him, warmth pooling at the base of her spine as she rolled her body against him and he ground down into her in return. Amanda suddenly felt like an overeager teenager who was stealing a secret moment with her boyfriend; she felt like she could have exploded from friction alone. She blindly shoved the waistband of his shorts and boxers downward, fingers closing around his hardness to give him a few firm strokes. She guided him until he brushed against her entrance and then he pushed himself inside of her without waiting for any other assistance; their bodies slotted together with such familiarity and ease. She let out an audible exhale at the sensation, her teeth sinking into her lower lip as her chin tilted toward the ceiling, her eyes falling shut to lose herself in how deliciously full she felt. Her body was taut until it melted around him, ready and eager for anything he would give her.

"God, yeah..." he growled salaciously. His thrusts were slow and deep at first, but his pace quickened almost immediately. She met his movements easily, hungrily. There were moments between them that were languid and luxurious, where they could dreamily reacquaint themselves with all the details of one another that they had come to love so much - but this was definitely not one of those occasions. They didn't even consider taking the time to remove all of their clothing.

"Baby, yes... oh..." Amanda let out a gasp, suddenly breathless at how good he felt inside of her, as if she had somehow forgotten. The angle that his hips met hers was perfect, striking an ideal rhythm against the bundle of nerves that was already primed and ready to combust. She tightened her leg around his waist and dug her nails in his back. "I..."

She knew Sonny could feel her; he knew her body so well. "Already? You're gonna come for me already? Jesus, 'Manda..." His words were dripping with a lustful kind of awe, like he was proud of himself. He roughly burrowed his face into the crook of her neck, teeth nipping at the space just below her ear. "Lemme feel you..."

Shivers rippled down her spine. Her mouth fell open and her head tilted back as her orgasm bloomed in the pit of her stomach and spread through out her body, muscles tensing and releasing, tensing and releasing. Her eyes fluttered closed as she lost herself in the warm rush of feeling. "Mm, yes," Amanda rasped, instantly greedy for more as her wave crested and crashed. She carded fingers through Sonny's unruly hair before nipping kisses at his mouth, purring, "you're so good for me, baby."

With the hand that wasn't supporting his weight, Sonny gripped behind one of her knees and bent it forward, deepening the angle that she was receiving his thrusts. She arched her back further, offering herself up to him, both sets of her fingers now biting into his shoulders as encouragement. His body was joining hers fast and hard, Sonny's frame hovering just above Amanda's, his heavy-lidded eyes flickering between their colliding hips and her flushed face. A coquettish smile tugged at her lips as goosebumps rose on her hot skin; she liked being admired.

Sonny's hold underneath her knee tightened further, as if he was afraid she was going to go somewhere. "I'm gonna come," he breathed before his forehead dipped to press against hers. "You feel so fuckin' good... fuck..."

A small cry caught in the back of Amanda's throat at the renewed force of his movements, sparks of excitement and adrenaline lighting up all of her nerve endings as she held on to him to ride out his orgasm. Panting raggedly, Sonny collapsed on top of her, both of their half-dressed bodies radiating incredible heat. Amanda felt his face nuzzle into the crook of her neck, the grit of his stubble a stark contrast against soft skin, his breath coming rapid and hot. Legs relaxing, she wrapped her arms around him, one of her hands stroking lazily through his hair while the other settled against his back. Amanda smiled as she felt Sonny's lips press a kiss into her jaw, then against the spot right beneath her ear, the searing sensation making her shiver. She responded with a small but deliberate roll of her hips, causing him to grunt in surprise against her neck. He was still inside of her, but she liked it that way.

"Sonny?" Amanda broke their silence meekly.

"Hm?" he replied distractedly. His hand was soothing up the outside of her thigh, underneath her shirt, over one of her breasts that he had groped free of her bra earlier.

She pulled in a breath. "I'm sorry if I don't, if I get distracted by the kids and I-"

Amanda felt Sonny's head lift slightly. "Hey, no. No way," he insisted, his voice quiet but firm. "That's not what I meant, by what I said." He cupped the opposite side of her face and kissed her cheek. "You're a great wife and a great mother," he murmured against her skin. "You're a great everything."


	55. Chapter 55

**AN:** This chapter was originally almost 10k long. I had to control myself for the sake of... well, chapters. :)

* * *

 _even when there is no star in sight / you'll always be my only guiding light_

* * *

 **August, five years earlier.**

On a humid summer night, the ancient air conditioning unit hummed in their small Long Island City apartment. Propped up on pillows, legs draped over Sonny's lap, Amanda was leisurely stretched out across the couch after her last day at SVU before a month of bedrest began. At eight months pregnant, every little thing felt more challenging; her feet were swollen, her back ached, and she swore her stomach grew three sizes by the end of every shift. She hated admitting her limitations but they were too hard to ignore now, even sitting behind a desk, because the mere act of hauling herself up from her chair was a chore. Most of all, she despised the brief but mildly judgmental gazes from her male colleagues, as if her pregnancy was some kind of embarrassing disability she should have kept hidden at home all along. Sonny, on the other hand, got jovial claps on the back and handshakes, like he deserved some sort of praise for merely having sex with her.

Amanda thumbed through content on her phone's screen. She lost herself in catching up news - both legitimate and celebrity-related - while Jesse slept and Sonny surfed the television channels. She was glad to be home, at her most relaxed, but when she began to think about her usual getting-ready process for tomorrow a rush of anxiety gripped her chest when she remembered she wouldn't be going into the precinct in the morning. In fact, it would be months before Amanda would step foot back in SVU again. She lifted her free thumb and began to gnaw at the skin around the nail, actively shifting her focus back to the words glowing on the device in front of her.

"What's it feel like?" Sonny's curious voice broke through her thoughts as she felt his big palm soothe over the curve of her stomach.

Her eyes never strayed from her screen as she continued to scroll through an article about all of the ridiculous rules Kim Kardashian had set for her pregnancy surrogate. "What's what feel like?" she replied distractedly.

"Havin' him in there," Sonny clarified, prodding her belly with a finger.

A smile tugged at the corners of Amanda's lips and she lifted her gaze. "In the beginning it feels like... fluttering. Like a little fish is swimming inside of you," she explained. "Now that he's big it's like, something heavy rolling around or shiftin' side to side. Especially after I eat."

"That's my boy," he beamed proudly.

She waggled her brows playfully. "As a reminder, he especially likes Cherry Garcia and those garlic knots from Napoli's."

Sonny quirked his own eyebrows. "Noted."

With a wriggle, Amanda settled deeper into the cushions and focused back on her phone.

"'Manda?" Sonny spoke again after a few minutes of comfortable silence.

"Hm?"

"I've been thinkin'..."

She looked up from her screen, wide-eyed and hopeful. "About orderin' some garlic knots? I'm _starving_ ," she breathed excitedly.

"No," he replied with a roll of his eyes. Upon seeing her immediate disappointment, he added hastily, "well, I mean, yeah, we can do that. But... something else."

Amanda watched his profile expectantly, but he didn't go on immediately. Instead, the hand that wasn't settled atop the swell of her stomach picked at a piece of lint on the shin of her leggings, his eyes intently focused on the thinning black fabric. She frowned as she pressed him, "what, Sonny?"

Sonny released an exhale before he turned to look over at her. He appeared almost self-conscious about whatever he was going to say. "Growin' up, you know how my dad and me didn't always get along so well," he began slowly. "You know what a hardass he can be."

Her gaze searched his uneasy features and she set her phone down, letting the device lean against her abdomen. "He can be intense, yeah..." she agreed carefully, unsure of what direction the conversation was headed in.

"He pushed me really hard," Sonny continued,"in school, with sports, everything. He was always on my ass. Don't get me wrong: I understand now that he just wanted the best for me and I love him for that. I just..." He pulled in a big breath before admitting to her sheepishly, "this baby, I wanna make sure I don't do that with him. I wanna make sure he doesn't feel pressured to be one thing or another..."

"You're already a great dad to Jesse," she reminded him gently.

He was quiet for a moment, his palm smoothing a slow, thoughtful circle over her stomach. "This is different," he eventually concluded, the motion of his hand stopping.

"Why?" Amanda pressed him, genuinely confused.

"Jesse's a girl," he explained wearily. "Fathers and sons... it's just a different kinda thing."

Furrowing her brow, she sighed. Wincing with the effort it took to maneuver her heavier body, she attempted to sit up a little straighter. She set a hand atop his and squeezed his fingers. "This kid stuff, Sonny, we're both figuring it out together," she said. "Sometimes I think, sometimes I think without you, to this day I still wouldn't know what the hell 'Ferberizing' meant..."

A smile twitched at Sonny's lips, although he was still glowering down at her legs over his lap.

"Everyday I hope that I'm doin' right by Jesse," Amanda went on, "I didn't exactly grow up with the best examples. I worry all the time I'm gonna do something like my mother, say something like my mother, _look_ like my mother-"

Sonny cringed and cast her a pleading look. "Don't go there, please."

She rolled her eyes. "But, seriously, Sonny: you couldn't be less _you_ if you tried - and you're the most gentle, understanding man I know." She squeezed his hand atop her belly as she added earnestly, "this baby is lucky to have you for a daddy."

Sonny gave her a genuine, appreciative grin before he leaned over to kiss her. When he pulled away, she felt his body relax a little deeper into the couch. Her honest words of encouragement seemed to placate him, because he shifted his attention back to the television, allowing Amanda to return her focus back to the celebrity gossip waiting on her phone.

"So," he spoke up again after a mere five minutes of quiet between them. He prodded her belly, "how many of these are we gonna have?"

Amanda rolled her eyes again. "Ask me that again after this one makes its way outta me," she mumbled.

"Four is a nice even number," Sonny suggested lightly.

"You're insane," she scoffed with a laugh.

"Three," he bargained.

"Maybe."

"We're gettin' married first, of course."

"I told you: I'm never gettin' married."

"Right."

Amanda could feel Sonny's gaze on her, his blue eyes undoubtedly searching her features, causing her cheeks to tinge pink like they always did when he started prodding at details of their potential future - the ones that she pretended not to care about. "Stop looking at me like that," she huffed, committed to her facade of irritation as she kept staring firmly at her phone.

"It's just, for somebody who spent so much time playin' cards, your poker face has really deteriorated over the years, that's all," Sonny observed slyly.

Finally lifting her eyes, she narrowed her icy gaze on him. "Y'know, if I wasn't so damn fat, I'd..."

Sonny waggled his eyebrows. "You'd?"

"I dunno," she snapped uselessly, "do something to subdue you."

He looked down at her body sprawled across his lap. "Well, don't worry, I definitely can't go anywhere with all this on top of me, so..."

Mouth falling open in indignation, in one swift movement, Amanda used the side of a closed fist to give him a quick punch in the shoulder in retaliation.

"Ow!" Sonny yelped, flinching in response to the blow. He rubbed at the muscle as if she had really caused an injury. "Jesus..."

She offered him a coy smile before sighing dramatically. "You're annoying as hell, but I do love you, y'know," she admitted, making a point of sounding put-upon, like her relationship with him was some terrible burden.

"I know." He looked obnoxiously smug. "That's why you'll see."

"See what?"

"You'll see that I'm right about us gettin' married and havin' a buncha kids."

She sighed again, making a show of appearing weary.

"I'd like two girls and two boys," Sonny told her casually. "That'd be good."

"What d'you think you're doing? Ordering at a drive-thru?" Amanda laughed, eyes wide at Sonny's boldness.

Wearing a charming, boyish grin, he put both of his hands up in mock surrender. "I'm just sayin'."

She shook her head, although she was actively fighting her own smile. "You say a lot of things."

"I always mean them," Sonny reminded her.

"Did you also mean it about the garlic knots?" Amanda wondered sweetly, batting her eyelashes flirtatiously.

It was Sonny's turn to heave a sigh. He reached over to grab his own phone off of the table by the couch, appearing a combination defeated and seduced. "Have you ever known me to turn down an opportunity to eat?"

* * *

"You better save me some of that gingerbread you made, alright?" Amanda said aloud in the kitchen, her phone resting on the island, Jesse on the other end of the speaker.

"A whole plate!" her daughter shouted excitedly, content in Staten Island at her grandparents' house for the weekend. "But you have to share it with daddy and Ruby."

Amanda grinned. "Oh alright, I guess so," she sighed dramatically. She fiddled with the Christmas card she had been attempting to write for the past twenty minutes. "Love you, baby. Give Luca a big kiss for me."

"Uh huh. I will," Jesse promised. "Night, mama. Night, dad!"

"G'night, Jess," Sonny called, finally pulling his head out of the refrigerator with some of the ingredients he needed for the dinner he was assembling. "Love ya."

After hanging up, the quiet sound of Christmas music filled the room again, combining with Sonny rustling around for pots and pans and the electronic, rhythmic hum of Leo's swing in the adjoining living room. The baby monitor crackled on the counter, displaying the image of Ruby rolling around in her crib as she tried to fall asleep for the night. With a deep breath, Amanda looked back down at the card in front of her. She had been standing at the island filling all of the others out with ease; she didn't send many, except to the few people she still communicated with in Georgia.

 _Mama - Merry Christmas!_ Amanda's pen hovered over the exclamation point, unsure of what to write after it. Her teeth sunk into her lower lip as she thought. She could say that she missed her, but that wasn't necessarily true. She could talk about the kids... was that really what a Christmas card was for, though? It felt awkward. _Hope you have a good holiday. Thinking of you,_ she eventually scrawled, cringing as the superficial words appeared in black ink against the red card stock. _Love: Amanda, Sonny, Jesse, Luca, Ruby & Leo._ It wasn't like the sentiment was a _complete_ lie...

"Is that a Christmas card or a doctoral dissertation?" Sonny quipped, obviously noticing the look of pained concentration on her face.

"It's for my mother," she grumbled, finally closing the card and setting down the pen.

"Ah." He wiped off his hands on a dishtowel and moved to come up behind her, palms setting on her upper arms. He brushed strands of long blonde hair away from her temple with gentle fingers and kissed the side of her head. "You're so pretty," he hummed sweetly.

She smirked down at the address she was writing as she murmured, "must be that luxurious five minute shower I took earlier."

Sonny's hands slid down to her waist and he tugged her backward by the loops of her jeans. "Dance with me."

"I'm doin' something," Amanda replied coyly.

"Frank Sinatra's on. Gotta take a break for Frank," he insisted playfully.

She heaved a melodramatic sigh and turned around to see Sonny wearing a boyish grin, holding out his arm and wriggling his fingers with the expectation that she would take them. Unsuccessfully biting back a smile, Amanda put her hand in his so he could lead her the few steps into the adjacent living room. With their bodies flush to one another's, she loosely hung her free arm around his neck. She felt his other palm slide to the lowest spot on on her back as they began to sway in a slow, leisurely circle to the sound of _Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas._

Amanda smiled up at Sonny. There was stubble forming along his jaw and darkness beneath his blue eyes - he was tired, just like she was, because caring for Leo and three little kids was a lot of work - but he was still wearing his warmest grin. With her free hand, she reached up and cupped his cheek with her palm, her thumb ghosting over the curve of his lower lip.

"What?" Sonny wondered, a playful glint in his eye.

"Nothin'," Amanda replied innocently.

With a knowing smirk, he stepped away from her to use their entwined hands to coax her into a playful twirl. Laughter bubbled up from Amanda as she spun away and then back toward Sonny, then he caught her flush against his frame once more. She tilted her chin up to look at Sonny again, smiling widely as she hung her arms around his neck. "I love you," she admitted breathlessly, "that's 'what.'"

The hand at her back slid a few inches lower to give her ass a teasing squeeze. "The twirl. Gets ya every time," he concluded with a smug smile.

With another little laugh, Amanda rose up on her toes and kissed him. "Yeah, that's what it is," she mumbled sarcastically between small, affectionate pecks.

"Love ya," Sonny murmured against her lips.

From his swing, Leo made a squeak loud enough to get both Amanda and Sonny's attention.

"Oh, are you lookin' to cut in?" Sonny teased the baby, peering over Amanda's shoulder with a quirked eyebrow. He broke his embrace with Amanda briefly to scoop the infant out of his confines, then gently held him to rest against his chest. He was so small that Sonny only needed the crook of one arm to keep him there. "I guess I can share..."

Now the baby was between them, one of his chubby cheeks settled against Sonny, one brown eye curiously blinking at Amanda. She let one arm drape over Sonny's neck again as her other palm rubbed Leo's back. "How'd I get so lucky, dancin' with two handsome gentlemen at once?"

* * *

Christmas Eve was always spent with Sonny's parents. It was cold enough to snow that year, but the weather was unlikely to deter the hoards of family and friends that always flocked to the Staten Island home for a massive holiday meal. Sonny's mother managed to cook and bake everything while simultaneously maintaining the role of flawless host all night. Amanda had long given up trying to figure out how the hell she did it - she simply appreciated Mrs. Carisi's genuine love for the people in her life.

Before her relationship Sonny, the holiday didn't mean much to Amanda, but by now she knew exactly how special it was to the family she was so grateful to be apart of. Having children had changed her perspective, too. It was sweet to watch their palpable excitement blossom over the season, plus, Amanda got a secret thrill out of picking out their holiday outfits every year. That evening Jesse was in a red sequin dress with capped sleeves and a tulle skirt she could twirl, Ruby was in simple, midnight blue taffeta and Luca was desperate to wear a navy suit like the ones he saw his father put on every day. Amanda had dressed Leo in a dark green sweater to contrast against the little red bandana around his neck - the accessory was a nod to her southern roots that she had used with all of her babies to combat drool - but now the colors had the baby looking seasonally appropriate.

Dressed up and hungry, they all piled into their month-old SUV to head to Staten Island. Amanda referred to the steel gray Ford Explorer as Sonny's fifth child; the new car was precious to him. It was purchased out of practicality - it could transport all of them and it wasn't a hideous minivan which Amanda staunchly refused to own - but every time Sonny saw a handful of Cheerios rolling beneath a seat or Goldfish crackers smashed into the carpeting, he had a minor heart attack. Neatness was not Amanda's strong suit, but she did her best to keep the vehicle tidy after any of the kids left it, knowing how much the truck meant to Sonny. He did so much for all of them as a husband and a father, it was the least she could do to keep the car aesthetically pleasing.

As they entered the familiar neighborhood, Amanda peered at herself in the mirror: tendrils of blond hair hung wavy to frame her face, the rest gathered in a purposefully loose chignon at the base of her neck. Manicured fingertips prodded the strands for what had to be the hundredth time that night, encouraging them to fall into place exactly as she wanted them to.

Sonny reached over the center console and batted her hand away from her hair. "Stop doin' that, will ya? You look great," he said with a chuckle. "Why are you actin' like you've never met my family before?"

"You know holidays make me anxious," Amanda sighed. "Plus, this is different."

Even in the dark of the car, she could see Sonny's confused expression. "It is?"

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah. Leo."

"I don't think he cares about your hair," Sonny quipped as he turned the SUV onto his parents' street.

Amanda bit back a snarky reply. "I just want, I wanna make sure everybody thinks we're... doin' a good job with him," she explained.

Sonny's expression softened. Wordlessly, he set his hand on her knee and squeezed.

Cars were crammed into the driveway and around the Carisi home. Once parked, they all headed toward the house, Jesse and Luca running ahead while Sonny carried Ruby and Amanda toted Leo in his car seat carrier. Huddled on the doorstep, Sonny reached for the doorknob a mere second before the door flew open to reveal his mother.

"Merry Christmas!" Mrs. Carisi greeted them joyfully, her arms wide as she ushered the group of them inside the warm, bustling house. She stepped back to admire them all in the foyer, beaming proudly as she took in all of the children's holiday outfits as Amanda peeled off all of their coats. "Look at you all!"

"Hey, ma," Sonny replied as they all crowded into the house. "Merry Christmas."

"My handsome son," she cooed as she hugged him tightly before she moved on to Amanda, squeezing her with similar enthusiasm. "My beautiful daughter. I'm so happy to see you." She patted both of their cheeks affectionally before pulling away. "I hope you're hungry."

"Nana, nana!" Luca exclaimed, standing directly in front of Mrs. Carisi and puffing out his chest. "Look at my tie!"

"Wow!" Mrs. Carisi gasped with a grin. "Did you tie that all by yourself?"

Luca looked over his shoulder at Sonny, then back at his grandmother impishly. "Dad helped."

Mrs. Carisi smiled before she crouched down and gave Luca a hug. "You look very handsome. Just like your father."

"Jesse, you look just perfect," Mrs. Carisi told the little girl as she stood upright again, clasping her hands together approvingly. "And you're absolutely adorable, Ruby," she added, taking the youngest girl's chin between her fingers. She turned to Jesse again and asked, "will you take your sister in to see your grandpa? He's in the living room with everybody just dyin' to see his girls."

"Uh huh!" Jesse took Ruby's hand when Sonny set her down and began to carefully walk with her sister through the kitchen toward the living room, her pace slow and uneven as she waited for the younger girl to catch up.

"Now, let me get my hands on this precious little one." Mrs. Carisi reached into the carrier to pull out Leo. "What an angel," she breathed, holding him close to her chest. She kissed his fuzzy head before declaring, "you belong right on top of the tree!"

 **xxx**

Dominick Sr. appeared in the doorway of Sonny's old bedroom, looking curious. "Hey. What are ya doin' up here?"

Sonny shook up a bottle, then eyed the consistency of the formula inside. "Gotta feed Leo. Little guy waits for no one," he explained. He could hear the party rumbling downstairs below them. "I know ma wanted to sit with him but she's in the middle of three conversations..."

"Ah, I see." Walking further into the room, Dominick looked at the bottle, then at the infant wriggling impatiently on his back on the bed, then back at Sonny. He smiled hopefully at his son. "Can I...?"

"Yeah, sure ya can." Sonny waited for his father to take Leo into his arms and sit in the armchair in the corner of the room before handing over the bottle. He watched as the baby drank eagerly; Leo didn't care who was feeding him and it was a relief that it wasn't a struggle. Sonny dropped onto the edge of the bed and exhaled before joking to his dad, "kinda weird to sit without anybody hangin' on me."

"I bet. He's gotten so big so I last saw him." Dominick smiled down at Leo, "haven't ya, buddy?"

"He's eatin' a lot better. We've really been trying to stick to a good schedule with him," Sonny explained.

"I can tell you-"

"Dad!" Jesse's voice shouted suddenly from the hallway.

"What?" Sonny called back automatically.

The little girl skidded into the room, surveyed the scene and grinned, her eyes alight with mischief. "Nothin'," she admitted sweetly, "I just wanted to see where you were."

He rolled his eyes. "I'm right here." He raised his eyebrows the longer he looked at her: the skirt of her dress was rumpled and her hair was disheveled despite the fact that Amanda had pulled part of it back in the barrette of Jesse's choice earlier. "What happened to your hair?"

"Huh?" She gripped her two hands against her head and scrunched up her nose, confused, then shrugged a moment later. "Oh. It musta gotten messed up when me and Angelina, we were playin' Barbies in the fort we built."

"Ah. Well if you go downstairs lookin' like this your mother is gonna have a fit." He waved her over before giving her arm a gentle tug so she was standing between his knees. He coaxed her to turn around so she wasn't facing him. "C'mere, hold still..." He gently took the barrette from her tangled strands and held it between his teeth while he gathered up half of her hair to pull it away from her face. When he was satisfied that it was neat enough, he clipped it back so the barrette sat at the center of the back of her head. Over the years he had become rather skilled at these kind of tasks. "There."

Jesse immediately spun around to look between the two men. "Is it dessert time yet?"

Sonny and his father exchanged smiles. "Soon, I think," Dominick Sr. replied.

"You wanna share a big piece of tiramisu with me?" Sonny asked Jesse.

The little girl nodded excitedly. "Yeah!"

"You better go down there and get a seat right in front of it, then." He poked playfully at Jesse's belly. "You know how your Aunt Gina and cousin Nico like it, they could eat it all between just the two of 'em..."

Jesse's eyes grew wide with horror. "No!" she gasped before scampering out of the room and pounding down the stairs. "I want some tiramisu!" Sonny heard her yell.

Amused, Sonny shook his head and grinned. A moment later his attention was drawn to his wrist, where his Apple watch buzzed with a notification from Liv: she had sent both he and Amanda a text message: _Merry Christmas! Big hugs to you and the kids._

"Sonny?" his father said.

He looked up from prodding at his watch. "Yeah?" He was surprised to see his father was watching him intently, wearing a sheepish smile.

"You really are a... you're a great dad," Dominick told him quietly, sounding as if he was admitting to something he had had on his mind for awhile. "I'm proud of ya."

Sonny shifted in his spot awkwardly, surprised and momentarily rendered speechless by his father's compliment - something he was genuinely flattered to hear. It was suddenly very warm in his old bedroom. He cleared his throat as his palm rubbed at the back of his neck absently. "Thanks, pops."

* * *

It was two thirty in the morning and Ruby was shrieking. Her little face was bright red, tears rolling down her chubby cheeks as she wailed despite her mother gently bouncing her up and down against her hip in a vain attempt to soothe her. The sound had startled both Amanda and Sonny out of their tenuous state of sleep, sending them running toward the second youngest child in their home. They found Ruby agitated and warm, prompting Sonny to dig out the thermometer, which he was now struggling to read in the dim lighting of the baby's room.

"What's it say?" Amanda asked, her tone more pleading than curious.

Sonny rubbed his eyes and squinted at the digital screen of the thermometer. "Man, I'm either really tired or really gettin' old..." he muttered. "A hundred and one."

"Shit," she sighed, looking down at Ruby in her arms as the little girl continued to cry. One of Ruby's small hands was positioned by her right ear, her fingers grabbing at it haphazardly. "It's probably her ear again," Amanda concluded. "She keeps pulling at it..."

" _My_ ears aren't doin' so good right about now, I can tell ya that," Sonny remarked sarcastically.

As if on cue, Amanda heard another sound: from the direction of their bedroom, even over Ruby's wailing, she was certain she heard Leo crying, too. "Wait, wait, listen," she ordered Sonny, holding up her free hand.

"I just told you my-" Sonny paused mid-complaint, his eyes widening as he, too, heard Leo in the next room. His features crumpled in melodramatic horror. "Oh, God, is that the other one?"

"C'mon, c'mon, let's just, go to our room," she suggested hastily, anxious that all of the noise was going to wake up Jesse and Luca - and then they would _really_ be miserable.

They scurried into their bedroom and shut the door, and while Amanda helplessly hovered over a crying Leo, Sonny rummaged around their bathroom for medication for Ruby.

"Alright, sweetheart, this'll make you feel all better..." Sonny emerged brandishing a plastic syringe filled with sticky red children's Advil. He prided himself on administering medication to the kids now; he saw it as a personal challenge to get as much of it into their mouths with as little dribbled down their faces as possible.

"Dada, dada, no..." Ruby moaned, shaking her head and waving her hands in protest as Sonny approached her with the medicine. "No." She only knew a few words and was utilizing the majority of them.

"C'mon, Ruby. Open up," Amanda coaxed, voice sweet and soft even though her daughter was too uncomfortable to notice. When Ruby begrudgingly accepted the medicine from her father, there was a blessed bout of silence that followed as she swallowed it - but it was hard to appreciate with Leo howling near by.

"There ya go, atta girl," Sonny praised his youngest daughter, quickly moving the syringe out of sight as to not provoke anymore tears. Sonny then moved to stand over the infant's bassinet, grumbling, "this is a nightmare."

Amanda went back to wandering around the room with Ruby, hoping to keep her whimpers from growing into full-blown cries again with the soothing movement. "Just feed him, Sonny," she implored him irritably, "don't just _stand_ there."

"He ate an hour ago," Sonny insisted, reaching down to carefully pick up the crying baby. "How do you know he's hungry again?"

"It was two hours ago," she challenged him.

"It wasn't, Amanda," he huffed, snatching the half-empty bottle off of their bureau resentfully. "It was two."

"It was," Amanda argued wearily, smoothing a palm over Ruby's warm face as the baby thankfully stuck a thumb in her mouth. "And even if it wasn't, there's only so many other options to choose from."

Sonny prodded the nipple of the bottle against Leo's lips, but it only made him wail more forcefully. He turned his head away as his cries got louder. "See, he's not hungry. I told you he just ate," Sonny concluded haughtily. "It's only been an hour, that'd be crazy..."

"Okay, fine. Change him? Swaddle him again? Walk him around a little? Why are you acting like you've never had a baby before?" she snapped, tone as agitated as she was beginning to feel. Her head was pounding from a combination of exhaustion and frustration, although only one of those feelings was fair. Infants were difficult because they didn't _tell_ anybody what they needed; a person had to make an educated guess, but it was often a sloppy game of trial and error. Selfishly, in that moment Amanda just wanted Sonny to _know_ what to do so they could all get some rest. She wanted him to fix it, like he so often fixed every other problem they had.

"Alright, alright," he grumbled. "I'm just fuckin' exhausted."

"So am I, Sonny!" she lashed out before she could stop herself. "That's why I'm annoyed I have to go over Baby 101 with you."

"Hey, lose the attitude, okay?" he retorted irritably. "Your bitchin' is never particularly helpful."

"You're the one doing the bitching, Sonny. Not me," she retorted. "You can be such a damn whiner sometimes."

"Well maybe that's because I'm always the one gettin' screwed outta sleep!" he argued.

Her mouth fell open in annoyed exasperation. "You got the same three hours I did."

"Two. I got two," Sonny challenged her childishly. "Yesterday I got three."

"Oh my God, shut up, will you?" Amanda moaned. She nuzzled her face into the top of Ruby's head, murmuring, "c'mon, Ruby. Let's go sit in your chair, huh?" Turning on her heel, she left the bedroom to retreat to Ruby's, dropping down into the armchair there. She let out a huff as she adjusted the baby on her lap, who whimpered and wriggled in discomfort. "Shh, s'alright," she cooed, wrapping her arms around her warm little body. She felt a twinge of guilt for abandoning Sonny, then a rush of new annoyance and exhaustion that ultimately kept her right where she was in her seat. She remained there until Ruby was sleeping soundly against her chest an hour later.

Carefully, Amanda maneuvered Ruby back into her crib without waking her. She crept back down the hall into her own room, which was now quiet. The light was still on, but Leo was sleeping in his bassinet and Sonny was laying on his side in bed, his back toward the door. Remorse tugged at her chest again.

She sunk down onto the mattress and reached out a hand to set it on Sonny's arm. "Hey. I'm sorry I was a bitch," she told his back quietly.

"S'okay," Sonny grumbled.

Amanda prodded his bare shoulder. "Will you look at me, please?"

"Seriously?" he groaned without moving an inch. "I literally just closed my eyes five minutes ago, Amanda."

Frowning, she opened her mouth to say something else before thinking better of it and snapping it shut again.

 **xxx**

It was the feeling of Sonny's warm, sturdy frame pressed against her back that gently roused Amanda from sleep. As her eyes fluttered open, his arms encircled her, and she felt his face nuzzle into the crook of her neck. Her mouth formed a lazy smile but she didn't speak; she let her eyes fall shut again and savored the peace. Nobody was crying, whining or screaming. Her alarm wasn't going off. Frannie wasn't whimpering and pawing at the edge of the mattress. _Nothing._

It was Sonny's quiet, husky voice that eventually broke the silence. He murmured into her hair, "I'm sorry 'bout last night."

"No. No, I'm sorry," she whispered anxiously, cringing as she remembered their heated argument. Before she could stop herself, she admitted sheepishly, "this is really hard."

He wriggled closer and tightened his arm around her. "Mm. It is," he rumbled. "S'alright, though."

Amanda peered over her shoulder, but she really couldn't see Sonny given the angle, with his face buried in her mess of hair and hidden in between her neck and shoulder. "Promise?" she wondered timidly.

"Mhm," he replied sleepily. "S'all I've ever wanted."

She felt a new twinge of guilt. "I know."

"You okay, babe?" he asked, voice clearer now as he became more aware that she was bothered by something.

She pulled in a deep breath and exhaled it slowly. "I'm just... I really am sorry I got so overwhelmed that I snapped at you how I did, is all." She wiggled to turn around in his arms. Sonny was resting his cheek on his bicep, blinking at her lazily beneath his massive crown of unruly hair. She adjusted her own pillow beneath her head before puffing out her lower lip childishly. "I really never anticipated how hard it was gonna be having four little kids," she confessed. She felt embarrassed as the words left her mouth, but she forged ahead anyway, "it's so much different than three."

Sonny grunted and rubbed at his eyes roughly. "Well," he yawned, "my mother-"

"Not helpful," she interrupted him immediately, absolutely _not_ interested in hearing a story about how flawlessly the matriarch of the Carisi family raised four children.

He heaved a sigh. "Don't think too much about it all, 'Manda," Sonny told her. A lazy, lopsided smile played at his lips. "We both were tired and pissed off last night. We're figurin' it out, but at the end of the day, we love the kids. Isn't that all that matters?"

The sincerity in Sonny's voice made Amanda smile; she knew she had given him variations of this speech when he needed it, too. "Yeah," she nodded. "Yeah, it is."

* * *

"Mama?" Luca appeared at the doorway of Ruby's room on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

"Hi, Lu," Amanda greeted him from her spot in the armchair where she was feeding Leo. She craned her neck to peer behind her oldest son. "Where is everybody?"

Luca scampered toward her; he didn't require an invitation. "Ruby's takin' a nap with dad on your bed," he replied as he climbed up to sit next to her, toy firetruck in one hand. "And Fluffy. Fluffy's sleeping."

"Fluffy's a cat. He's always sleeping," she teased him. She shifted as much as she could to make room for him on the oversized seat. "You don't wanna take a nap?"

"I'm not tired." He squeezed his body to fit against her side then peered up at her with big, blue eyes. He appeared guilty as he hugged his toy truck. "Dad took me for a donut in the morning, when we took Frannie for a walk," he whispered, "he told me not to tell you."

"You just told me, silly," she laughed.

He frowned, his lower lip puffing out in disappointment. "Oh... yeah."

Amanda rolled her eyes and grinned. "You didn't bring me one?"

"Dad ate yours," he giggled. Wriggling around, Luca gently set his firetruck atop Leo, so it balanced between his legs while Amanda continued to feed him. "Leo can play with this today," he explained.

She quirked an eyebrow. "Your new firetruck that you got for Christmas?"

"Uh huh." He rested his cheek against Amanda's upper arm as he watched his younger brother drowsily finish his bottle, oblivious to the toy stop him.

"That's so nice of you," she praised him.

"Do you think, do you think when Leo's bigger he'll wanna play 'fire station' with me?" Luca wondered.

"Of course he will," Amanda assured the little boy. "You're his big brother, you'll have a lot to teach him."

"I help Ruby with her spoon," he reminded her randomly.

She smiled, amused. "Yes, you do."

"She's not very good at it," he went on. After a thoughtful pause, Luca continued, "I'm happy I have sisters, but I like a brother."

Amanda tilted her head to look down at her oldest son. "Yeah?"

Luca nodded. "Uh huh."

"That makes me happy, too," she smiled.

Another beat of silence, then: "mama?"

"Hm?" She looked at Luca expectantly.

The little boy grinned sweetly up at her. "I think you're the best mom."

Amanda's heart swelled in her chest. "Thank you, baby. I'm glad you think so."

* * *

"Sonny?"

He looked up from the copy of the Ledger he was reading to see his sister standing in the middle of the precinct: Teresa was bundled up in an elegant camel-colored pea coat, watching him expectantly.

"Hey, Teresa!" Sonny quickly took his feet off of his desk and stood up. He looked around SVU, which was fairly empty given the lack of cases. "What are you doin' here?"

"I was just wonderin' if you're able to take a little break?" she asked, closing the space between them and giving him a hug. "Maybe we could get some coffee."

"Ah, yeah. Sure. It's kinda slow," Sonny admitted. He looked over at Fin at his desk, who was very obviously lost in a game on his phone. "Fin, I'm gonna go grab some coffee with my sister. You want me to bring you back anything?"

Fin's gaze flickered up from his screen. "Hey, Teresa. Nah, I'm good."

Sonny and Teresa scurried down the cold New York City sidewalks to Birch Coffee and found a small table to sip their drinks at. He was grateful for the excuse to escape the monotony of the precinct; he hated being trapped there when things were slow.

"So, how's it goin'?" Sonny wondered after a swallow of coffee.

Sitting across from him, Teresa kept her eyes on her mug.

Sonny frowned. "What is it, T?" he pressed his sister. "Tony's not actin' up again, is he?"

"No, no, it's not Tony," Teresa sighed. "He's been great, actually." She finally lifted her gaze to meet her brother's. "It's Mia."

His brows knitted together in concern. "What's wrong with Mia?"

Teresa's manicured palms pressed flat against the surface of their table. "I don't know how to say this..."

"What, Teresa? Is she sick? Is she doin' drugs?" he demanded anxiously. His heart was beginning to race with mounting worry. "What is it?"

"She... she's having second thoughts. About the baby," his sister finally admitted.

His mouth went dry. The coffee tasted acrid on his tongue. "Excuse me?"

"She's miserable, Sonn. She's been crying every day, she can barely get outta bed. She misses him."

"It's been over a month, we-"

"But it hasn't been forty-five days. It's been thirty-nine."

"What, what are you sayin' here, Teresa?"

"I contacted Brady and let him know how Mia's been feelin'."

"You _what?_ " he exclaimed, his voice just below shouting.

"Shh, Sonny!" Teresa hissed, casting a furtive glance around the cafe, "Jesus, don't make a scene."

"Teresa, you - are you insane?" he demanded, "you can't just, you - do you realize what you've started?"

"I didn't have a choice!" she moaned.

"Of course you had a choice!" Sonny disagreed. His voice sounded frantic to his own ears - because he was. "This is, Mia is just... she is goin' through a phase. She's confused. This'll pass. She is just, she knows Leo is better off with us. He's our son."

"Biologically, he's Mia's," she argued.

"So, what?" he balked. "She's just gonna, take him from us? After all this time?"

"'All this time,' Sonny? It hasn't even been two months," she challenged him icily, her face stony as she glared at him from across the table.

His sister's words felt like a punch in the gut; he was momentarily rendered speechless.

The harshness in Teresa's features softened; maybe she noticed the hurt in her brother's eyes. "I have to take care of my daughter, Sonny, and my daughter is in pain," she continued quietly. "She doesn't sleep, she doesn't eat - this isn't a _phase._ Talk to me the next time you carry a human in your body for nine months then give it away to somebody else, okay?" She jabbed a finger at the tabletop. "There are six days left before this adoption's set in stone so I did the only thing I knew to do."

Sonny leaned back in his chair, his arms crossed tightly over his chest and his jaw tense as he gazed defiantly out of the window. He couldn't bring himself to meet his sister's eyes, too afraid of what words would come out of his mouth - the type he wouldn't be able to ever take back. "I can't believe this is happenin'," he seethed, "I can't fuckin' believe this..."

"I wanted to tell you before he got in touch with you and Amanda," Teresa went on.

He jerked his head to look at her again, features hard. "How considerate of you," he sneered sarcastically.

Teresa appeared pained. "Sonny-"

Sonny's phone began to vibrate in his pocket and he was glad for the distraction - both from the conversation with his sister and from the frantic thoughts racing though his head. It was Fin's name on his caller ID; he was hoping that meant there was work to be done.

"What's up?" he answered the phone.

"Hey, we caught a case," Fin's voice replied. "Meet me at Spring street?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'll be right there," Sonny agreed before hanging up. He shoved his phone back into his pocket and returned his gaze to his sister. "I gotta go back to work."

"We aren't done-"

"I have to go to work, Teresa. Remember what that is? That's something people do when they aren't livin' off their rich ex-husband," he interrupted her cynically as he stood up and roughly shouldered on his coat.

Teresa leapt to her feet. "This conversation isn't over."

"You're right, it isn't," Sonny agreed, voice now low and threatening as he narrowed his eyes on his sister. He couldn't remember the last time he had ever been so furious with her. It was then that a sickening rush of disappointment washed over him: it was really his beloved niece that he needed to direct his anger - and his questions - toward. "Like hell this is over."


End file.
